Billie Joe Decided to Shut the Door to His Past, Once and For All, chapter 12

Billie Joe lifted the gun aiming it at his temple. He was just about to pull the trigger when there was a knock on the door. The sound made him freeze and he stared at the door. His heart was beating out of time and the words that seconds ago meant nothing was filling his heads. He looked at the gun in his hands.
"What the hell am I doing?!" he whispered with a shaky voice.
"Billie? Why have you locked the door?" Adie said sounding very worried. "Please let me in so we can talk!"
Billie Joe didn't know what to say. He couldn't let her in. He couldn't let anyone into his life, not even her. Especially not her. If she found out about the plan and why he acted like he did it would hurt her. The plan. Finally he understood what had been holding him back all the time. Suicide wasn't going to salve the problems, it was wrong to believe that. He had to take care of his past. Adie kept knocking on the door begging him to let her in but he remained quiet. He didn't bother to listen and soon he didn't hear her anymore. Billie Joe first figured that he should put the gun back since he remembered the plan, his reason not to kill himself. At least not just yet. He could still make things right so he didn't need a gun did he? It wasn't put back however, it could come in handy.
"Good boy," someone said.
Billie Joe looked around throwing his head quickly from side to side. Who had said it? He'd locked everyone out so who could it be?
"Now it's time to go, gotta take care of the past right?" the voice hissed in his ear. The sudden sound made him jump and cold shivers went down his back.
"J-Jimmy?" he whispered his voice raspy with fear.
"You weren't going to kill us, were you?" Jimmy asked. His voice was cold, with a promise of pain.
"N-no, no!" Billie Joe assured shaking his head violently scared that Jimmy would discipline him. He fiddled nervously with his wedding ring.
"Good boy," Jimmy mumbled again with a caressing voice that made Billie Joe relax. When Jimmy was pleased with him he felt like he'd done something good. He knew it wasn't true since Jimmy made him do violent and destructive things, but no one else was ever proud of him. Nothing he did was ever right and he always fucked up. Billie Joe was so afraid that he would disappoint Jimmy like he'd let everyone else down. Jimmy was his last chance to make everything all right. He was the last glowing light in the darkness, the spark in the night. Billie Joe shuddered as Jimmy crept back into a shadow-filled corner of his mind. He didn't want him there but neither did he want him to leave. 'Cause if St. Jimmy disappeared Billie Joe would be hopelessly unable to make things right. He would probably end up not doing anything about his past yet again. Billie Joe sighted weakly realizing that what he'd feared for some time had finally happened. His world had collapsed in front of him and he just couldn't pick up the pieces that lay scattered across his whole being. There was nothing left but fragments of a shattered life that kept slipping through his fingers whenever he tried to grasp for them. Maybe it was impossible to fix. A broken heart can healed, a broken soul can be mend, but, what about a broken mind? What if it's like broken glass inside your head, cutting through every thought, leaving scars that never heals and bloodstains on every word that comes over your lips? Could you still be able to pick up the pieces and put yourself together? Perhaps you could, perhaps not. Billie Joe however had quickly realized that for him it seemed impossible. At the moment taking down a few of the stars on heavens field would be easier done then become whole again.
"Jimmy can't leave, he fucking can't," Billie Joe mumbled still moving his wedding ring around. "Without him I'm gonna end up quitting."
He sighted as he again turned his gaze towards the window. The rain was still falling and behind the coulds the sun was setting. Soon night filled the sky. Billie Joe sat down on the floor once more and kept staring out the window into the rain filled evening; silently hoping that everything was going to be ok.

Mike had lifted his head towards the sky when it had started to rain. The thought that had crossed his mind had been that heaven was crying over the loss of an angel. That angel being Billie Joe. The water of the sky had mixed with Mike's salty tears, streaming down his face and falling forgotten to the ground. He had finally admitted to himself that BJ was crazy. As much as he didn't want it to be true he knew it was. Not that Billie Joe was actually insane but his mental stability was defiantly questionable. Mike was sure that his best friend was fully capable to kill, either himself or someone else. He shook his head and sighted as he reached the front door to his house. Stepping inside without caring about messing up the recently cleaned floor Mike walked straight over to the couch and sunk down on it. His head was filled whit thoughts. Thoughts about Billie Joe, about Jimmy, about what was going on. Pretty much about everything, and it didn't do anything to help making his headache go away. He pressed his hands against his forehead and sighted once again. What should he do? Should he tell the others about what he knew? Mike just didn't know if it would help to let Adie and Tré know. Or if it would make things worse. Billie Joe could commit suicide and yet Mike remained silent, not telling anyone what he'd found out. He was so torn between letting the others know and keeping quiet 'cause Billie Joe trusted him to do so. Not that his friend actually had told him to be quiet but he didn't have to say it aloud. Besides, Mike had said that he loved Billie Joe too much as a friend to hurt him. He'd meant cutting, or that's what he'd been referring to. Mike guessed it included all his actions though. He'd simply promised not to harm Billie Joe and telling Adie and Tré would definitely be doing precisely that. Mike sighted once more. He didn't know what to do and it was driving him crazy. His headache throbbed painfully and the whirling thoughts threatened to rip him apart. A laugh without even a hint of joy escaped his lips. Everything was so fucked up.
"Who knows, maybe I'll go nuts to before this is over," he muttered, hand still pressed hard against his forehead. "Well, talking to myself is the first sign. I'm definitely a bit cracked."
The next thought that crossed his mind was to go find a sharp object and let physical pain drown the emotional. It was so much easier to deal with.
"What's holding me back?" he thought to himself "Billie Joe won't notice one or two more cuts, will he? I did promise not to do it. But, no one has to know, right? No one will find out. Just a few cuts to sort myself out. That's all, no biggy."
Mike scrambled to his feet and walked towards the kitchen. He slowly opened a drawer and then just stood there looking down at the various knifes that lay in a messy pile. It would be so damn easy to pick one up. Hell, it would be even easier to start cutting 'cause once you give in nothings stopping you from running the cold metal through your flesh over and over again. Mike shook his head closing the drawer after one last look on those shiny knifes. It was very tempting but he couldn't do it. He'd promised Billie Joe not to and he was going to keep that promise.
"I really hope I'm able to actually do as I promised," he mumbled. "But, it'll be damn hard. It'll be so fucking damn hard."
As Mike sunk back down on the couch he closed his eyes with a last deep sight. Slowly he drifted of to sleep. He sat there peacefully, for once free from all pain. Billie Joe was very right; Mike didn't suffer when he was asleep.

When Mike fell asleep Billie Joe was still sitting in his and Adie's bedroom, the door remaining locked. Adie had knocked a few times asking him to open. The last time she'd more begged actually than asked. She couldn't understand why the hell he'd locked himself in nor could she figure out what he was doing. As a matter of fact he wasn't doing much. Not since he'd made up him mind not to commit suicide. Billie Joe had stayed almost motionless in the same position for at least a couple of hours. He slowly realized that there were no more questions that needed an answer. He didn't need to figure anything else out. Everything that he'd meant to do was done and all the words were already spoken. Nothing was left to analyze. The only thing left to do was to go through with the plan. He couldn't linger any longer; he had no more excuses. It was time. Slowly he got up, turned around and walked over to the door. Somewhere inside of his head Jimmy lulled calmly but there was something bloodthirsty in his soft voice. Strange to say it didn't give Billie Joe the creeps like it would have only hours ago. Instead he found himself mumbling along with Jimmy together creating a whispering foreboding of death. He unlocked the door and opened it and as he went to find Adie the murmuring voice of Jimmy fade into silence. Billie Joe became quiet too not wanting anyone to hear him mumble to himself. Not did he only find Adie when he stepped into the living room but also his sons. Joseph and Jakob turned their little heads to look at him. Billie Joe met their gaze realizing that it contained fear. Especially Joseph's. Billie Joe tried his best to ignore it and walked closer only to be met by a terrified squeal from his oldest son who backed away. Adie looked at the scene that was displaying in front of her. It made a tiny part of her die every second that ticked by. For each step that her housebound took Joseph moved further away. His eyes was filled with something very close to fear and his lover lip quivered like he was struggling not to cry. Actually he was on the verge of tears but he did his best not to let anyone find out. He didn't want to weep in front of his whole family, especially when there seemed to be no reason for it. Joseph couldn't explain even to himself why he felt scared. Neither did he know why he felt like crying and it was most annoying.
"What's up Joey? Why are you running away from me?" Billie Joe asked confused and a bit hurt. He too had no idea why his son acted like he did. When he spook Joseph stopped and stood still for a while just staring at him. Joseph opened his mouth a little taking a deep breath. Then he opened it a little more in effort to speak. At first not a single word came over his lips but after trying and failing a few times he managed to talk.
"I'm not running from you, I'm running from him<i/>," he said and pointed with a shaky finger towards his dad. The puzzled look that crossed Billie Joe's face didn't completely fill his eyes. He knew whom Joseph was talking about. St. Jimmy was enough to make anyone want to run away and hide. That explained his son's behavior. Billie Joe got a little nervous though, 'cause if he'd figured out why Joseph acted like he did, well he was maybe not the only one to do so. Adie wasn't stupid. She was bound to understand what it was all about eventually if he didn't make up a good excuse. He had to lie. Again.
"Don't be silly, there's no one else here. Just me," Billie Joe said comforting as he smiled warmly at his son. Joseph didn't calm down the slightest though. The other way round he became even more frightened. It annoyed Billie Joe somewhat but he was carefully not to let it show through. Instead he shrugged his shoulders at Joseph and went over to Adie and Jakob whom remained seated. He picked up his youngest son and put him on his lap as he sat down next to Adie.
"Hey you," he said to her with a soft smile curling his lips slightly. She gave him a suspicious look that he did his best to ignore. Suddenly Jakob wiggled a little to get out of his dad's grasp. Billie Joe held on tighter in pure surprise. Then Jakob looked up at him pouting his lips.
"Let go!" he whined as he struggled to get free by kicking and twisting around. His eyes flickered with indignation.
Billie Joe's mouth dropped in astonishment over the way Jakob acted. He couldn't quite comprehend the look on his son's face. Jimmy wasn't that big of a part of him was he? Surly they didn't know that he lured inside. Did they? Was it possible that they had figured it out somehow? Could they? No, they didn't, they couldn't! It just wasn't possible. And still. Still they did seem to know, seemed to understand. Had someone told them? But who, no one was supposed to know. He'd been so careful. So very, very careful. None the less Mike had found out the truth. Wait a second. Mike. He knew, but he wouldn't tell anyone. Would he?
"He better not have," Billie Joe thought gritting his teeth. "I had no choice but to trust him. I fucking wish I could be able to trust at least him. But I can't. I can't. And now, now he's told my family? He better not have. He better not."
"He better not what?" Adie asked confused and Billie Joe turned his head to look at her. Once again he'd spoken his thoughts aloud. He gave her a blank expression and didn't even bother to answer. Instead he let Jakob go and the boy quickly ran to take cover behind his older brother. Billie Joe barely noticed it and just started to walk away.
"Why are you leaving? Are you walking away from the problems, is that it? Why can't you stay and talk? Stay and explain? Billie! Come back! Don't ignore me dammit! [i]Billie!" Adie screamed after him but without result. Nothing she'd said had made him turn around or even stop. He'd simply continued to leave. Adie sunk down on the couch and buried her face in her hands. He'd kept walking. He'd walked away from her. Walked away, and who knows if he would ever come back. Her eyes filled up with bitter tears that started to roll down her cheeks. Jakob clung to his older brother staring wide-eyed at his dad who disappeared into the shadows at the end of the room. Then he turned his gaze towards his mommy whose whole body was shaking with each heartbreaking sob. Jakob looked up at his older brother. Tears started to gather at the corner of his eyes and he tried to blink them away. His eyes kept watering up though and very soon the salt tears found their way down his cheeks too. Joseph let his eyes dart around, taking in everything around him. Everything was so wrong. His world had been turned upside down. He looked at his brother who gripped his T-shirt snuggling closer to him. Jakob's tears soaked Joseph's T-shirt and started to wet down his bare skin. He tried to comfort him but he knew it was no use. Jakob's sobs ripped through his whole body and he cried harder and harder desperately clinging to his brother for comfort and protection. Joseph knew he couldn't give him that, as much as he wanted to he couldn't. He was not the one who was supposed to cheer Jakob up. But, the again, even if their mom did it that scary person in their dad's eyes would still be there. Until whoever it was had left no one could comfort Jakob. He would continue to be scared. Joseph hugged his little brother and swallowed down his own tears nearly choking on them.
"Big boys don't cry," he though as he clumsily rocked Jakob back and forth "I don't care what daddy says about not being macho. Big. Boys. Don't. Cry!"

If Billie Joe knew what he had done to his family he might had given up on the plan. If he had seen them crying in fear he maybe would have kicked Jimmy far away never letting him come back. Perhaps he had taken care of those he loved and just left the past be. Simply moved on. 'Cause if you can't let go of the past you're unable to live in the present, and you miss out on the future. That was his problem. He let the past come back to hunt him worrying about things he had done and said not realizing that done is done. You can't change it, but what you can do is learn from your mistakes. In that way the present won't be affected by things that happened long ago. Billie Joe knew this, deep down inside, but he was simply unable to believe it. To him his past was very much alive and he needed to take care of it so it wouldn't interfere with his present life. And since he couldn't forget and move one he had to do something drastic in order to leave it behind once and for all.
"If I could change I would," Billie Joe mumbled. "If only I could take back all the pain I've caused, make things undone. But, I can't. I'm I walking away from the problems? Maybe, maybe I am. Oh, hell, it's easier to go."
It is easier to go than face problems, pain or fears. But it doesn't solve anything. It keeps building up inside until it can't be held back. Then it starts to leak, starts filling your soul with sorrow and your mind with memories. Billie Joe couldn't help thinking about the darkness of his past that was filled with memories he rather didn't have. He wanted to let go and never look back but it just didn't seem to be possible. He'd pretended that nothing was wrong, indeed walked away from it all acting like everything was ok. 'Cause it's simpler than change. You can't escape memories though. It's something you'll always carry, and if you're not careful you might end up with only memories left.