Billie Joe Decided to Shut the Door to His Past, Once and For All, chapter 14

"Yeah, right," Tré mumbled as he let go of Mike. He waved at Joseph who looked at him like he was a bit crazy.
"Or, maybe we should talk right away," Mike said more to himself than to Tré.
"Mhmm," Tré hummed absent-minded.
Mike walked over to Joseph and Tré found himself being alone by the door. He didn't know if he should join Mike or if he it would be better to just stay where he were. Tré decided that he might as well wait for Mike to come back. Mike glanced at Tré before he sat down next to Joseph.
"I gonna have to talk to Tré, ok?" Mike told the kid who nodded understanding at him, even if he rather would continue talking to his newfound friend.
"What am I going to do?" Joseph asked hoping that Mike would let him do something fun.
"Well, what would you say about playing guitar, or bass if you rather want that," Mike suggested smiling as the kids face lit up.
"Yayness!" Joseph exclaimed. "My dad never let me play with his guitars!"
Once again he was close to bounce up and down where he sat. All of a sudden the boy were full of energy. It doesn't take much to make a child happy.
"That's 'cause you're not supposed to play with the guitar, you're meant to play on it," Mike lectured jokingly. Joseph stuck out his tongue at him.
"But I can still play, can't I?" Joseph asked. "Pretty please?"
"Sure you can," Mike nodded placing a hand on Joseph's head, ruffling the child's hair. "The instruments are in my bedroom, just don't plug them in. And be careful."
"Alrighty!" Joseph assured jumping up. He started to run towards Mike's bedroom but before he'd got far he turned around and ran back. He stopped in front of Mike giving him a hug. "You're the best Mikey!" he said before he ran away again.
Mike smiled still after the child had disappeared out of sight. Then he remembered Tré who he momentarily had forgotten. His friend where still standing where he had been abandoned. Mike shook his head. It was so typically Tré not wanting to get in the way. It wasn't a bad thing though, it was actually kind of sweet. Mike motioned for Tré to come and sit down. Tré approached slowly like he felt insecure. He seemed to still be embarrassed from freaking out earlier. He sat down and smiled weakly at Mike.
"Mikey," he said. "Kinda brings back memories."
"It does?" Mike asked confused which made Tré roll his eyes at him jokingly.
"Yeah, you dumb-ass! Isn't that what Billie used to call you, long ago?" Tré answered. His tone of voice made it sound more like a statement than a question. He gave Mike a big smile as Mike's cheeks turned slightly red.
"Hrm, it was just a stupid pet name," Mike mumbled scratching the back of his head trying not to look at the grinning Tré.
"Suuure it was," Tré agreed patting Mike on the shoulder. Mike just snared at him and swatted away his hand.
"Enough now," he muttered. "You stormed in here 'cause you wanted to make sure I was ok and you wanted to talk, didn't you?" he then said in a serious voice.
"That was my intention anyway," Tré nodded.
"You know, right?" Mike sighed rubbing his temples tiredly. The stupid headache was back again.
"Know what? I don't get it," Tré whined confused. He wasn't dumb but sometimes he seemed a bit stupid none the less. Mike looked at him in disbelief. He couldn't imagine that Tré had forgot what he obviously had figured out earlier. If he didn't know he wouldn't have rushed over to Mike acting like a lunatic. Mike tilted his head backwards somewhat muttering 'why' silently to himself like so many times before.
"You always do that," Tré pointed out having Mike's habit in view. "But that's not what I came here to talk about. You confused me! Of course I know about the cutting!"
"Thought so," was all Mike said in reply.
"Can I, is it ok if, erm, I mean," Tré said stumbling over his words as he tried to organize them into forming a question. He reached out his hand stopping it right before touching Mike's sleeve. Mike didn't answer but he knew that Tré could see in his eyes that he rather not show him. Tré choused to ignore it more or less though. He started to fold up Mike's sleeve giving Mike nervous glances every so often. Mike looked away however with an uninterested look on his face. It was the second time a friend of his saw the scars he much rather would like to keep hidden. He was wishing more and more that he never had mentioned anything. That he had stayed alone in his house not bothering anyone else with his problems.
"I kinda wish I had cut where nobody had noticed it," he said into open air. "Like on my legs for example." At the end of the sentence Tré made a sound like he was choking on something. It made Mike snap his head in his friend's direction. There was a strange expression on Tré's face. He looked guilty. Why the hell would he look guilty? Mike thought he never would get to know when it hit him like a ton of bricks.
"You haven't!" he gasped and for once Tré understood what he meant even though he didn't say it. Tré nodded at him not daring to meat his gaze.
"I-I have," he mumbled with a shaky voice.
"So that's why you don't wear shorts anymore. But why Tré, why? I though you of all people would be happy. That you never would need to do something like that. I believed you had no idea what it was like. Shit, I thought you're like an innocent child!" Mike said sounding shocked. Despair was painted all over his features capturing his concerns and cares about his friend in a mask of complete misery. His eyes were filled to the bring with grief in form of unshed tears.
"I am happy, it's because of you and Billie," Tré snuffled. A second later he understood the full width of what he'd said. The look upon his friend's face made him regret it instantly. Tré wished he could take it back and make it unsaid but he could might as well have wished for the moonlight to come and play in his hands. Mike was completely crushed. The only thing that he had ever wanted was for those that he cared about to be happy. Once again his eyes turned to blue orbs of ice. The tears that had been pooling in his eyes froze and he wondered if ever would be able to cry again. Numbness similar to the one coming over him when he had been so alone crabbed a hold of him again. And right then, right there, Mike Dirnt died inside.
"Mikey! I didn't mean it like that!" Tré assured but it was too late and Mike just gave him a blank stare. "It's not your fault it's just that, erm, I, or you. Or I mean, that we, uh. Wait I'll explain it," Tré babbled trying to make Mike understand that he meant it in different way than it had sounded. Tré took a deep breath, preparing himself for explaining it all.
"I'm not doing it because I'm alone or miserable. It's just 'cuz I sometimes need something to focus on when I get too confused. You know that I can sense when something's not right with you or Billie and when I can't figure it out or do anything about it, well, that's when and that's why I do it. It's really bringing me down when you guys are sad so I just need something that can take my attention of that," Tré managed to tell Mike. He hoped that the explanation would be good enough and that Mike would understand.
"So it is my fault," Mike stated in a monotone. Tré shook his head violently but it made no difference to his friend.
"No man! It's not! It's not," he exclaimed. "I'm not suicidal or anything. It all started as an accident really. It got nothing to do with you."
"An accident?" Mike asked but there was no curiosity in his voice whatsoever.
"Yeah," Tré nodded, "That's how it started. I realized that it was kinda relaxing in a way. I don't really have any intention of harming myself. And it's definitely not because of you."
"Maybe not when it started but admit that it's my fault it continued," Mike said still stubbornly not letting Tré convince him otherwise. "You do it 'cuz I've been such an idiot. If I had thought about you and Bill instead of myself things wouldn't be so fucked up right now."
"You don't really believe in that, do you Mike?" Tré asked distrustfully.
"Of course I do. It's true, isn't it? I mean I thought Bill had abandoned me when really I was the one who had withdrawn. I stayed here in my house feeling sorry for myself. If I just had talked to him he would maybe be ok now. And I believed that you sorta had forgot about me. So feeling rejected and lonely I self harmed and now look what's happened. Look what I've done! If I had talked to you instead of assuming you didn't care 'bout me you would never have needed to do what you've done. You wouldn't have felt confused and unable to make things right," Mike explained still in a monotone and with the blank stare.
"C'mon man. How was you supposed to know how I felt? It wasn't exactly obvious. But that you were lonely, that was goddamn obvious. And don't blame yourself for BJ's behavior. He could've paid you more attention and things wouldn't be like this," Tré said in what he hoped sounded like a comforting voice. He felt so helpless. Why did Mike refuse to get it? Tré wanted to make everything alright but it seemed like nothing he said worked. Mike had all right not to believe in Tré's reasons, 'cause after all he was lying. He was miserable, but just not because of the reasons Mike assumed.
"Don't you dare giving Billie the blame!" Mike hissed in a cold voice. The look on his face remained the same though except for a flicker of anger that had been lit in his eyes.
"I'm not, not exactly. But you gotta admit that this mess is his fault. Well, mostly anyway," Tré said unaware of the danger in the whole situation. If it was one thing that could make Mike snap it was when someone was picking on Billie Joe.
"No it isn't. Joe-Joe haven't done anything," Mike stated starting to sound slightly angry.
"Joe-Joe? How cute!" Tré prattled with a huge smile. He had absolutely no idea of how close he had been to make Mike really furious with him. "I don't think I've ever heard you call him that. I don't think you ever have been this protective either."
"Shut up, it just slipped. And I've always been protective when it comes to you guys, especially Billie," Mike said and his voice went back to sounding monotone.
"Yeah, what would we have done without. What would we be without you taking care of us?" Tré smiled at his friend.
"Messed up, like you are right now. I should've been there for you guys. But I wasn't. I wasn't and now, now it's too late." Mike said without even the slightest trace of emotion in neither his voice or in his eyes.
"Oh, Mike when will you understand that we aren't your responsibility," Tré mumbled. He had no idea what to say or do 'cause nothing had any effect. It scared him that Mike's soul appeared to be just as could as his eyes and his heart as dead as his tone of voice.
"I deserve to be alone. To have this fuckin' headache. To have stupid nightmares all the time," Mike muttered either not hearing what Tré said or not caring.
"Nightmares?" Tré questioned. He knew a thing or two about nightmares. If he could find out what Mike's nightmares meant he might would be able to help. Tré believed that there were omens in dreams and if you understood what they meant you were able to make better decisions concerning your future. Most people would call that superstition but Tré who was much like a child from time to time, at least when it came to such things as believing in the power of dreams, was firmly convinced that it wasn't just pure imagination. It was for real.
"What did you dream of? Do you remember? Tell me Mike, tell me," he urged almost bouncing up and down where he sat much like Joseph had done earlier.
"Why does it matter," Mike asked, or at least Tré guessed that it was a question. Because he sounded so monotone that it was hard to know for sure.
"It could be very important," Tré stated before he started to chant "Tell me, tell me, tell me!"
"Fine, but I can't recall the details that well," Mike muttered.
"Doesn't matter, go on!" Tré told him.
"Well, I was alone and I couldn't find you guys. It started to rain so I ran. I think I ran to my house but I couldn't get in 'cuz I'd lost the keys. I think it was night 'cuz I saw the moon, but there was no stars though. Anyway, I got inside and I found bottles and a joint. My house was almost completely tumbled-down and it was dark. There was a cup of coffee in the kitchen, I spitted it out though. Tasted awful. What more? Yeah, it was a mirror in my dream. In the bathroom I think. I looked in it but I could only see my mouth. Then I spotted a razorblade but I don't remember if I picked it up or just let it be. After that I heard first whispers and then laughter. Billie Joe was the one laughing. I found him, kinda, and I can recall his shadow falling on me 'cuz it gave me the creeps. He ran away and I chased after him. I don't know how but I knew that he was running 'cuz he was hiding something. A secret you know. When I caught up on him I felt scared for some reason so I hid. I was convinced that he was going to hurt me if he found me. Can't remember why but I know I ran away from him. Then I was outside. It was dark. I heard something, someone digging. I called for the person but got no reply. Walking around I found a grave. After that I woke up. That's it," Mike finished.
Tré shuddered 'cause even though Mike had talked about being scared he'd sounded like he was talking about the weather. Feelings appeared to be noting more than words to him.
"Hmmm I can't remember much of what Kathy have said about those kind of things," Tré said biting his bottom lip. "But I do know that mirrors are evil!" he stated putting up his index finger.
"Are they really," Mike mumbled uninterested.
"Yes they are!" Tré nodded emphatically. "I had a dream and there was a mirror in it and when I told Kathy she said that it meant dishonesty and lack of loyalty".
"Maybe she was right," Mike said not seeming to care about whether she was or not.
"Of course she was," Tré agreed.
"That dream of yours with the mirror must have been about me then, I've been both dishonest and not very loyal, haven't I" Mike muttered and Tré rolled his eyes at him.
"Oh, C'mon! You have not," Tré sighed smacking himself in the head.
"So you're going to give BJ the blame then?" Mike wondered raising an eyebrow at his friend and Tré shook his head at him tiredly.
"But everyone knows that mirrors are evil," Tré said with a childish stubbornness in his voice.
"Yeah," was Mike's short reply, which really got on Tré's nerves.
"They are! Not only in dreams but always! It only tells you who you are on the outside. And many people don't like what they see 'cuz they think they're ugly or fat but they're not. Beauty is on the inside and not what's shown in a mirror," Tré lectured waving his hands up and down in the air.
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and if you look at yourself thinking you're ugly or whatever that means you are. An ugly person is only ugly if he thinks so himself," Mike contradicted.
"But Mike, mirrors are evil," Tré nagged. "I don't like to look at myself in the mirror 'cuz I don't know who I am. I feel so lost Mike. The mirror can't tell me who I am; it just shows what I look like. On the outside I look fine. I look like the good old happy Tré, but that's not how I feel Mike, not even close to how I feel. I don't know who I am without you and Billie Joe. Guess I'm nothing really. You guys are a huge part of my life and a major part of me. I mean our band is my life and the band is you, Bill and I so yeah."
Finally Mike looked at him and there was something in his eyes. A tiny glow of understanding, care and concern shone faintly in them. Tré noticed it and gave Mike a beaming smile.
"I don't know who I am either. But that's different," Mike confessed quietly.
"How is it different?" Tré asked.
"I've never known. I don't belong anywhere and I have no identity really. Who I am depends on who you guys need me to be. Which means that when I'm alone I'm no one. I'm nothing," Mike whispered confessing exactly how he'd felt all those long years. His still talked in a monotone and his face had the same neutral expression but flickers of emotions momentarily filled his cold eyes.
"Aww, Mikey!" Tré snuffled. "I think I lost myself a few years after the break down after Warning. When did you lose yourself?"
"I didn't, I never found out who I am. But that's ok 'cuz I found Billie Joe instead," Mike said.

Just when Tré believed he understood Mike there was a loud crashing noise that distracted him long enough to make whatever conclusion he had came to slip away. Both he and Mike got up and rushed over to where the noise had come from. Mike opened the door leading to his bedroom and when it swung open a little child who had made a huge mess could be seen. Joseph gave the two adults an innocent smile, the kind of smile you only can give someone when you in fact are guilty.
"What did you try to do? Fly?" Tré asked chuckling. The sight of Joseph lying on the floor with his arms and legs sprawled in weird angles reminded a lot of a young Billie Joe. The kid hadn't tried to fly but the result was much the same as if he actually had.
"No, I was just trying to jump around like dad does when he plays," the child explained still smiling.
"Oh, ok," Tré said in an amused tone of voice. "But do you wanna know a secret? Your dad doesn't trip when he jumps around."
"I know!" Joseph muttered. "I didn't mean to fall but I got tangled in the cord. But I didn't break anything, I swear!"
"Good," Mike said without even the slightest trace of emotion as he walked over to the child. Mike helped Joseph up and put everything back to place. During the whole time he didn't speak to Joseph and neither did he look at him, not even once. Mike simply ignored the boy completely which confused the child.
"Are you angry with me Mikey?" Joseph asked with a small voice. The way Mike acted made him sad but he couldn't tell why. Joseph decided that it had something to do with his newfound friend's eyes. They seemed so cold.
"No," was the short and emotionless reply Joseph received.
"Ok," Joseph whispered. He knew though that it made no difference to Mike if he spoke or remained quiet. He had a feeling that it wouldn't matter if he was there or not, he could might as well be invisible. The boy knitted his brows and bit his bottom lip as he tried to figure out what had happened to Mike. He simply couldn't understand why his friend didn't seem to care about him anymore. Joseph studied him for a while in search for clues. He really hated the nagging feeling that something was wrong, especially when he didn't know what it was. That feeling had been one of the many reasons he'd run away from home. Joseph sighed and wondered if he ever would get rid of it. He couldn't understand what it was good for. It just made him sad that he knew everything wasn't alright with people he cared about since he didn't know what was wrong, and therefore he couldn't help. He was about to give up trying to figure out why Mike was down when something on Mike's arm caught his attention. Joseph's eyes widened as he realized that the marks running up and down his friend's arm were scars. The oldest were white and glimmered mother-of-pearl colored in the light of the ceiling lamp. Some seemed to be rather new judging by the look of it. Those were either dark red or brown. For a second Joseph though he saw some of the scars forming letters but then Mike caught him looking and pulled the sleeve down.
"What's happened to you?" Joseph asked. He kind of knew what had happened but he didn't know for sure. He also had an idea of what it had to do with Mike being sad but the answer kept slipping through his fingers. It was just beyond his grasp. Like the starry sky above his head that shined so very bright the nights he'd gazed at it. So near yet so untouchable. Seeming so close, close enough to fill his vision, but still out of reach. Too far away to ever touch. It gave the same feeling of uselessness as the issue about Mike.
"Nothing that matters," Mike answered in a monotone that made a shill run down Joseph's spine.
"Hey, it does matter!" Tré butted in and Mike was just about to once again say that it didn't when the phone interrupted them.
Mike turned his attention from Tré to the phone as he picked up.
"Hello," he said with the same empty tone of voice. "Yeah, he's here."
Joseph who immediately after Mike spoke guessed that it must be his mother calling shook his head violently trying to hint that he didn't want his mom to know where he was.
"He's ok," Mike continued like he didn't notice what Joseph tried to tell him, or like he didn't care. "No he is not here. How am I supposed to know where he is? Why would he be here anyway? Yeah right, like he runs to me every time something's wrong. He what? Are you sure? Ok, well yeah. You know one thing is funny though. You tell me you hate me, which is no surprise, but whenever it really comes to the point you, like everybody else, turn to me for help and guidance. I'm sick and tired of it. If you're only gonna care when you need help and then turn around and continue to hate my guts you can might as well just leave me alone."
"That goes for all of you," he added nodding at Tré and Joseph. "I don't need people who only care about me when they have problems they want help to salve. I have problems of my own thank you very much. If you're gonna leave me alone after I've helped you out, well then just let me be alone 24/7 instead."
"But Mike," Tré started but he was cut short by his friend who motioned for him to be quiet. He moved away from them towards the window so Tré would understand that he really meant for him to shut up.
"He did? When? Oh, shit, this is bad. Of course I'm gonna help! As long as you know I'm doing it for him, not for you. Never for you," Mike went on talking to Adie. He turned his back towards them and gazed at the dark night sky through the window.
Both Tré and Joseph were shifting their weight from one leg to the other bouncing up and down slightly with anxiety. Something was clearly up and Mike didn't pause to tell them what. They simply had to wait until he had finished talking.
"Oh, God. It's my fault. Never mind. Yeah, Tré is here too. I'll tell him, no worries. No, why the hell would I tell you son dammit? Don't cry Adie I'll help you. I'll make things right, haven't I always? I think it's worse than that to be honest, far worse. You don't know half of it. Ok, sure. See you later then. Yeah, I'll tell Tré to come too. Bye," Mike finished and hung up. During the conversation both Tré and Joseph had noticed that some emotions momentarily had floated across Mike's features. When he hung up they were all gone however but in his eyes a faint glow remained. Neither Tré nor the child could make up their minds whether it was an improvement or not since the flicker of emotion was so filled with grief and concern that it was heartbreaking. None of them had seen Mike so worried ever before. Tré couldn't recall that his friend ever had looked so completely crushed with sorrow. Whatever had happened must have been something terrible considering Mike had experienced misery many times in many different forms. Not one single of these times had he looked like he did after the phone call though. Mike himself knew that nothing so far had been as bad as the incident Adie had called about. He feared it was going to get much worse however. Mike tilted his head slightly backwards like he had done countless times before. His gaze was still fixed upon the sky. The stars twinkled like diamonds placed on a background of black velvet.
"Why?" he whispered silently but like all the other times he got no answer. If it was because no one listened, no one cared or simply because there was no one out there to here his question he didn't know. What he did know however was that the stars was as indifferent as his dead soul. The emotions that managed to merely fill his eyes were the once that was bleeding through the open wounds which was running across his whole being. Once all of his emotions had been drained nothing would be left, and he wouldn't have any reason to stay alive.