Billie Joe Decided to Shut the Door to His Past, Once and For All, chapter 3
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"Eh, yeah, I don't really want to talk about it over the phone so could we meet somewhere?" Mike asked and quickly added "If you're not busy or anything."
"No, I'm not. What about the Café, ya know? We could meet there and grab a coffee." Billie Joe suggested knowing that Mike never said no to a cup of coffee. They agreed to be there in five and hung up. Billie Joe rested his head in his hands and sighted. Always problems. He grabbed the keys to the house and walked out. He only took two steps before he turned around and went back to the front door.
"And I forget to lock, always problems" he muttered to himself "Well, I lock, step, I'm gone" he mumbled when he came to think of Rancid's song 'Lock, Step & Gone' but he only walked a very short distends before he turned around again. "I'm a mess today, I don't know where I'm going" Billie Joe had walked the opposite direction to where he was supposed to go. Eventually he got to the Café and Mike was already there waiting for him. They sat down in a lonely corner where they could have some privacy. For a while none of them spoke and Mike didn't even look at Billie Joe. He stared at his coffee and sighted over and over. Billie Joe studied his friend and realized that something was wrong. Not only the way he acted but also there was something about him that wasn't quite right. Billie Joe couldn't put his finger on it though. What was different? It was so obvious and yet he didn't see it. Maybe he looked too close to see? Right then he knew what was so different. Mike was wearing a sweater with long sleeves. He always wore a tank top, or almost always. Sometimes he would wear a shirt but that was seldom. Never something like that, and in the summer when it's boiling hot? It didn't make sense at all.
"So, you wanted to talk?" he asked at the same time as Mike said 'here' and gave him a few papers. Billie Joe looked at them. They were lyrics, to judge by the look of it, and quite many too. "I didn't know you'd written anything lately, 'cuz they're new right?" he asked and Mike nodded.
"Just read them" Mike said when he saw that his friend was about to ask another question. Billie Joe did as he was told. He was just relived that Mike didn't know anything about the things he had been writing lately. He and his little, secret friend. Billie Joe picked up one named 'Carving' and started to read.
Carving letters in my skin
Trying to link them together
Trying to make them mean something
Carving a word in my skin
Wanting it to mean something
The red blood is leaving stains on my thoughts
Carving your name in my skin
Like it would make me remember
The fragmented dream about you is slipping away
So I'm carving your name in my skin
Trying to carve your name in my soul
As I'm writing it with my own blood
Carving your name in my skin?
Ore is it really a name? Your name?
Is it really a word, does my blood form letters?
Carving in my skin
Replacing one pain with another
Seeing the last drop of blood falling
Why aren't you here?
Why did you leave me alone?
Where did everybody go and what do you do
when everyone moves on without you?
When they leave you behind to rot
Carving my wrists
Carving to die
Dying
Billie Joe read it a second time and the he read it again, and again. He read it over and over. He just couldn't believe that Mike actually had written something like that. Then he picked up another one and started to read them all one by one. There was sentences like 'I hear a voice inside my head. It says I'm better off dead. It's screaming "go ahead" Colour the bedroom floor red' and 'Call me what you want. I really couldn't care less. And my mind is a mess. And I don't care.' When he got to one that was called 'Bloody Thoughts' he got very worried about Mike. He'd never written anything like that before. Never. Billie Joe read that one a little more carefully then some of the others and mumbled the words silently to himself.
Bloody Thoughts
Beating my head against the wall
Trying to understand
Why don't I see that all I get
Is the blood that color my forehead
It's pointless and stupid
I'm getting nowhere
So many questions
Crawling in my brain
Feeding on my mind
And breaking me down
Run, run, running in circles
Trying to understand
The world is spinning faster
And I'm way to slow
It's so lonely in this house
So lonely when you don't got a home
The taste of confusion on my mind
Making me feel sick
Why don't I just let go?
My life is all fucked up
All alone in a world of bloodstained thoughts
Letting it drift away
Nothings left in my empty head
A hollow soul is all I got
Broken pieces smashed to nothing
And so many questions
Crawling among vacant thoughts
Left bloody and beaten
Close my eyes, sleep
Shut the mind, leave
Letting it break me down
Why would he write things like this, he'd never been the suicidal one out of them. He was always the one who would tell Billie Joe to cheer up and not to hurt himself. What had happened to the Mike he used to know and the Mike that had been his friend since they were ten years old?
"Trembling on the edge. Of my dark and empty mind. Don't know where to look. Don't know what I'm supposed to find. Pleas help me" Billie Joe read aloud from the last paper. He gave Mike a questioning look. Mike looked away with sadness in his eyes.
"I will help you, but you got to tell me what's wrong" Billie Joe said calmly to his friend but on the inside he was screaming. Screaming 'cause nothing was ever alright. Screaming 'cause he knew what was wrong and it was his fault, he just didn't want to admit it. Screaming to drown the other voices in his head. Mike gave him a weak smile.
"You know, or didn't you figure it out from reading the lyrics?" he said with that monotone voice. "Let's continue this conversation somewhere else please" Billie Joe nodded at him.
"Yeah, yeah we could go home to you" he mumbled and it sounded as if he was speaking from somewhere in the distance. His voice reached Mike as a faint echo.
"That house is no home" Mike said very low and Billie Joe didn't seem to hear it, but he did. He did and he knew exactly what Mike meant. His friend had never really had a home. Only for a few years in his entire life, and that can make you feel quite homeless. Mike had often quoted what Jesus said in the Bible 'Foxes have lairs and the birds of heaven have nests, but I have no place to rest my head' That's not exactly how it's written but no one cared about such little details. No one of them was really Christian anyway.
Soon the two friends where at Mike's place and still the awkward silence was between them. Billie Joe felt very bothered about it, usually they could talk about everything. Not that they always did but they could if it was needed. Whatever was up with Mike it had to be serious. The minute they got inside Mike's house he sat down on the couch and stared blankly into thin air. Billie Joe sat down next to him and did the same, only he was looking inwards. The good thing was that Mike didn't know anything about the voices in his head or the letters. Or the plan. No one knew about that. That made him feel a little better but he couldn't stop worrying about his friend. Billie Joe was sure it was his fault, it always was. He hurt the ones who were closest to him in the whole wide world. Those who he loved above everything else. He just kept fucking everything up.
"I have a knack for fucking everything up" he thought and sighted.
"You must have guessed by now why I wanted to talk." Mike said still not looking at Billie Joe "But if you want to be sure, if you want proof or whatever" he didn't finish the sentence, but then again he didn't have to since Billie Joe already were pulling up his left sleeve. He gently folded it up all the way to Mike's elbow. Billie Joe wanted to cry but he couldn't. All his tears where on the inside. They couldn't be seen and they couldn't be wiped away. They left a lump down his throat and he swallowed hard. On Mike's arm there was several cuts, some old and some so fresh that they was still bleeding. He counted the cuts without thinking about it but as soon as he realized what he was doing he stopped. He didn't want to know how many they were. Far too many anyway. Billie Joe looked closely at some of the older ones and noticed that a few seemed to form letters. He could barely make out that it said 'Sarah' written with capital letters.
"So you actually did carve a name in your skin" Billie Joe said and it was something in between a question and a remark. Mike didn't know how to reply so he just shrugged his shoulders. "Is it about Sar" Billie Joe started to ask when he saw more letters. He examined them closely thinking to himself that it didn't read what he thought it did. No it didn't, it just couldn't be right. He had got it wrong. It had to be wrong.
"No, I'm not. What about the Café, ya know? We could meet there and grab a coffee." Billie Joe suggested knowing that Mike never said no to a cup of coffee. They agreed to be there in five and hung up. Billie Joe rested his head in his hands and sighted. Always problems. He grabbed the keys to the house and walked out. He only took two steps before he turned around and went back to the front door.
"And I forget to lock, always problems" he muttered to himself "Well, I lock, step, I'm gone" he mumbled when he came to think of Rancid's song 'Lock, Step & Gone' but he only walked a very short distends before he turned around again. "I'm a mess today, I don't know where I'm going" Billie Joe had walked the opposite direction to where he was supposed to go. Eventually he got to the Café and Mike was already there waiting for him. They sat down in a lonely corner where they could have some privacy. For a while none of them spoke and Mike didn't even look at Billie Joe. He stared at his coffee and sighted over and over. Billie Joe studied his friend and realized that something was wrong. Not only the way he acted but also there was something about him that wasn't quite right. Billie Joe couldn't put his finger on it though. What was different? It was so obvious and yet he didn't see it. Maybe he looked too close to see? Right then he knew what was so different. Mike was wearing a sweater with long sleeves. He always wore a tank top, or almost always. Sometimes he would wear a shirt but that was seldom. Never something like that, and in the summer when it's boiling hot? It didn't make sense at all.
"So, you wanted to talk?" he asked at the same time as Mike said 'here' and gave him a few papers. Billie Joe looked at them. They were lyrics, to judge by the look of it, and quite many too. "I didn't know you'd written anything lately, 'cuz they're new right?" he asked and Mike nodded.
"Just read them" Mike said when he saw that his friend was about to ask another question. Billie Joe did as he was told. He was just relived that Mike didn't know anything about the things he had been writing lately. He and his little, secret friend. Billie Joe picked up one named 'Carving' and started to read.
Carving letters in my skin
Trying to link them together
Trying to make them mean something
Carving a word in my skin
Wanting it to mean something
The red blood is leaving stains on my thoughts
Carving your name in my skin
Like it would make me remember
The fragmented dream about you is slipping away
So I'm carving your name in my skin
Trying to carve your name in my soul
As I'm writing it with my own blood
Carving your name in my skin?
Ore is it really a name? Your name?
Is it really a word, does my blood form letters?
Carving in my skin
Replacing one pain with another
Seeing the last drop of blood falling
Why aren't you here?
Why did you leave me alone?
Where did everybody go and what do you do
when everyone moves on without you?
When they leave you behind to rot
Carving my wrists
Carving to die
Dying
Billie Joe read it a second time and the he read it again, and again. He read it over and over. He just couldn't believe that Mike actually had written something like that. Then he picked up another one and started to read them all one by one. There was sentences like 'I hear a voice inside my head. It says I'm better off dead. It's screaming "go ahead" Colour the bedroom floor red' and 'Call me what you want. I really couldn't care less. And my mind is a mess. And I don't care.' When he got to one that was called 'Bloody Thoughts' he got very worried about Mike. He'd never written anything like that before. Never. Billie Joe read that one a little more carefully then some of the others and mumbled the words silently to himself.
Bloody Thoughts
Beating my head against the wall
Trying to understand
Why don't I see that all I get
Is the blood that color my forehead
It's pointless and stupid
I'm getting nowhere
So many questions
Crawling in my brain
Feeding on my mind
And breaking me down
Run, run, running in circles
Trying to understand
The world is spinning faster
And I'm way to slow
It's so lonely in this house
So lonely when you don't got a home
The taste of confusion on my mind
Making me feel sick
Why don't I just let go?
My life is all fucked up
All alone in a world of bloodstained thoughts
Letting it drift away
Nothings left in my empty head
A hollow soul is all I got
Broken pieces smashed to nothing
And so many questions
Crawling among vacant thoughts
Left bloody and beaten
Close my eyes, sleep
Shut the mind, leave
Letting it break me down
Why would he write things like this, he'd never been the suicidal one out of them. He was always the one who would tell Billie Joe to cheer up and not to hurt himself. What had happened to the Mike he used to know and the Mike that had been his friend since they were ten years old?
"Trembling on the edge. Of my dark and empty mind. Don't know where to look. Don't know what I'm supposed to find. Pleas help me" Billie Joe read aloud from the last paper. He gave Mike a questioning look. Mike looked away with sadness in his eyes.
"I will help you, but you got to tell me what's wrong" Billie Joe said calmly to his friend but on the inside he was screaming. Screaming 'cause nothing was ever alright. Screaming 'cause he knew what was wrong and it was his fault, he just didn't want to admit it. Screaming to drown the other voices in his head. Mike gave him a weak smile.
"You know, or didn't you figure it out from reading the lyrics?" he said with that monotone voice. "Let's continue this conversation somewhere else please" Billie Joe nodded at him.
"Yeah, yeah we could go home to you" he mumbled and it sounded as if he was speaking from somewhere in the distance. His voice reached Mike as a faint echo.
"That house is no home" Mike said very low and Billie Joe didn't seem to hear it, but he did. He did and he knew exactly what Mike meant. His friend had never really had a home. Only for a few years in his entire life, and that can make you feel quite homeless. Mike had often quoted what Jesus said in the Bible 'Foxes have lairs and the birds of heaven have nests, but I have no place to rest my head' That's not exactly how it's written but no one cared about such little details. No one of them was really Christian anyway.
Soon the two friends where at Mike's place and still the awkward silence was between them. Billie Joe felt very bothered about it, usually they could talk about everything. Not that they always did but they could if it was needed. Whatever was up with Mike it had to be serious. The minute they got inside Mike's house he sat down on the couch and stared blankly into thin air. Billie Joe sat down next to him and did the same, only he was looking inwards. The good thing was that Mike didn't know anything about the voices in his head or the letters. Or the plan. No one knew about that. That made him feel a little better but he couldn't stop worrying about his friend. Billie Joe was sure it was his fault, it always was. He hurt the ones who were closest to him in the whole wide world. Those who he loved above everything else. He just kept fucking everything up.
"I have a knack for fucking everything up" he thought and sighted.
"You must have guessed by now why I wanted to talk." Mike said still not looking at Billie Joe "But if you want to be sure, if you want proof or whatever" he didn't finish the sentence, but then again he didn't have to since Billie Joe already were pulling up his left sleeve. He gently folded it up all the way to Mike's elbow. Billie Joe wanted to cry but he couldn't. All his tears where on the inside. They couldn't be seen and they couldn't be wiped away. They left a lump down his throat and he swallowed hard. On Mike's arm there was several cuts, some old and some so fresh that they was still bleeding. He counted the cuts without thinking about it but as soon as he realized what he was doing he stopped. He didn't want to know how many they were. Far too many anyway. Billie Joe looked closely at some of the older ones and noticed that a few seemed to form letters. He could barely make out that it said 'Sarah' written with capital letters.
"So you actually did carve a name in your skin" Billie Joe said and it was something in between a question and a remark. Mike didn't know how to reply so he just shrugged his shoulders. "Is it about Sar" Billie Joe started to ask when he saw more letters. He examined them closely thinking to himself that it didn't read what he thought it did. No it didn't, it just couldn't be right. He had got it wrong. It had to be wrong.
