Billie Joe Decided to Shut the Door to His Past, Once and For All, chapter 5
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It was about then Adie made up her mind to call her housebound. After what her son had told her she had become really worried. Not that Billie Joe would hurt, and definitely not, kill Mike but that they might have gotten into a fight. She picked up the phone and it started to ring in her hand. It made her jump and it took her a little while to answer.
"Adrienne" she said as calm as possible but she couldn't keep her voice from shaking a little.
"Hey baby, it's me" Billie Joe said. He waited for her to throw a tantrum but she didn't say anything at all. He thought to himself that she was strangely quiet, since when was a woman quiet? Also she always got upset when he went away and didn't call her, but not this time as it seemed. "Um, I called to say that I'll stay here over the night"
"Ok, and where is 'here'? " Adrienne asked when she got her voice to work.
"At Mike's place of course" Billie Joe said like it was obvious and, actually, it kind of was. Adie didn't replay and for a while both of them were quiet. To Billie Joe it felt like an eternity. The voice in his head started to whisper that she was on to him. It mumbled that she had found out about the plan. He told it to leave him alone.
"Am I bothering you? " Adie asked confused. It took him a little while to understand what she meant. Then he realized that he must have said 'leave me alone' aloud. How stupid of him. The voices screamed at him and he put down the phone and screamed back at them. Adie thought he talked to Mike, she didn't pay that much attention to it.
"No I, um, talked to Mike, yeah I talked to him. I don't want you to leave baby" Billie Joe said as an answer to hear question. She didn't notice that he lied 'cause the only thing on her mind was that she needed to know that everything was ok with Billie Joe and Mike.
"Sweetie? You haven't hurt Mike have you? " Adie's voice was filled with anxiety. She had no idea why she felt so scared. Billie Joe would never do something like that, it had just been her son's imagination. None the less she was Trembling with fear. Billie Joe was silently wondering how she could know, and if she had found that out he wouldn't be able to hide the plan much longer. Then he shook his head and thought to himself that he was being paranoid.
"I wish I could say no" he sighted. His voice was lifeless and only the slightest trace of sorrow could be found in it. Adie started to cry and sob like her heart was going to break. Billie Joe didn't understand anything at all. He tried to comfort her but she didn't even her him.
"Oh no, please tell me it isn't true, tell me Mike's ok! " she managed to say in between her sobs. Billie Joe felt like someone was driving a sharp object into his heart. He had hurt both Mike and Adie really bad. How he wished that he could make it undone. Once again he wanted to cry but didn't. It was needles to cry. Tears didn't change the past or fix the present.
"Don't cry, it's true but don't cry. Mike is not ok and it's my fault" it didn't cross neither his nor her mind that they wasn't talking about the same thing. Adie meant it physically, she thought that her housebound had hit or kicked Mike or even worse. Billie Joe on the other hand was referring to that he had hurt Mike by abandoning him.
"How could you? He's your best friend! " Adie blurred out without thinking. It made Billie Joe snap. He didn't mean to hurt anyone. He just wanted everything to be ok but he kept fucking up. It was bad enough that he tortured himself by thinking that he was a worthless person but when Adie didn't believe in him anymore it became too much.
"Since when did you start to care about him?! " he screamed "I didn't mean to hurt him! I didn't mean to hurt anyone! Can you fuckin' understand that! " Adie tried to calm him down but he kept screaming. He lost control as usual and he's temper flied. "But don't you worry, I'll put an end to his pain! " he ended and hung up. Adie sunk down on the couch crying. She kept telling herself that everything was going to be ok. Billie Joe and Mike had just had one of those fights that even best friends have. He wasn't going to kill Mike, of course not, he probably stayed so they could sort things out. Adrienne felt bad about herself. She had upset Billie Joe for no reason. As she sat there Jakob walked in. He couldn't sleep and went looking for his mommy so she could tuck him in. He didn't know why she was sad but he started to cry to just because she did. Jakob snuggled up beside her and she put her arms around him. So they sat for a while before he feel asleep. Adie carried him back to bed and then went to bed herself. She didn't get much sleep that night though.
When Billie Joe hung up he sunk down on the floor. Then he took a deep breath and screamed until he had no air left in his lungs. After that he just sat quiet. Mike was upstairs and he had heard Billie Joe's screams but he figured it was better to leave him alone for a little while so he had time to settle down. Mike couldn't help that he felt like a jerk. He shouldn't have told Billie Joe anything. It was too late however and regrets were useless. The only thing to do was to make the best of it. Maybe it would have been better if he had done otherwise. Billie Joe felt empty, sort of drained, and the constant feeling of being all alone was more distinct than usually. Without thinking he took of his belt off and hit himself on the arm. It stung a little. The next hit was harder and actually hurt. He did it over and over again. The pain in his arm somewhat numbed the feeling of loneliness. Eventually the hits ripped up his skin. Once again he had got himself wound up. When he saw the blood on his arm he stopped. Slowly he got on his feet and put his belt back on. His head felt like it was filled with clouds that whirled around along with his thoughts. Billie Joe took one step at a time and slowly went up the stairs. For each step he tried to put the broken pieces of his mind back together. Things that had built up inside of him for years and all the pain he had hid in the corners of his mind was dangerously close to break its chines and drown him. His shattered life was so close to come crushing down on him. When he reached the top of the stairs he had gotten himself together as well as he could.
"I heard you scream" Mike said when Billie Joe walked into his bedroom. Mike was lying down stretched out on his bed. He had taken his sweater off and thrown it on the floor. Billie Joe stood in the doorway looking at him.
"Are you ok? " Mike asked Billie Joe nodded at him and walked over to the sweater. He picked it up and looked at it. Mike had obviously taken it off 'cause it was bloodstained. Billie Joe dropped it back on the floor and sat down next to Mike.
"I'm fine" he answered a little absent. He glanced at Mike from the corner of his eye. A doubt had come creeping onto him when he had seen Mike lying on the bed. What was his reason to stay over the night? Was it to help? Or could it be something else?
"Alrighty, but your arm sure doesn't look fine" Mike said with a wry smile. Billie Joe gave his arm a brief look and sighted. "I know you wanna help me, and I think you can, but you have to admit that it's a little like a blind leading a blind. And you know what happens if a blind lead a blind" Mike said though he knew that his friend wasn't paying much attention.
"What are you talking 'bout" Billie Joe asked sounding a little confused. Mike laughed at him.
"If a blind leads a blind both will fall in a pit" he said coming to the point but Billie Joe didn't understand what he meant at all.
"Would ya stop talking in riddles" he was a bit annoyed that he didn't get it. Normally he would've understand it but he was a mess and very tired.
"I hurt myself and have gotten to the point where I can't stop anymore and I want your help. The thing's that you are self-destructive as well" Mike explained. Billie Joe turned his head to look at him. Then he looked first at Mike's arms and then at his own. His friend was right, how could he help when he did the same?
"Hey, it's ok" Mike smiled at him "I only need you around that's all since I cut 'cuz I'm lonely and pathetic, don't worry. " Billie Joe bobbed his head once and then he let it hang down. Mike closed his eyes and wondered why he hadn't let things stay the way they where. The only thing he believed he'd achieved by telling Billie Joe everything was to upset his friend. Suddenly he felt Billie Joe's cold hand on his bare chest. Mike opened his eyes and stared at his friend.
"What the hell? " he thought but was too surprised speak, he was dumbstruck. Billie Joe looked him in the eyes and smiled.
"Throb, throb, throb" Billie Joe said to the pace of Mike's heartbeats. Mike lifted an eyebrow at him still too shocked to speak. Billie Joe's behavior made him a little suspicious. He had always been a very physical person who liked to hug and kiss his friends so Mike was used to it. However, since BJ was bisexual, Mike was always on his guard so his friend would get any ideas.
"Don't look at me like that! Why so suspicious? " Billie Joe asked with a smile. Mike smiled back at him and finally he could speak again.
"Well, to judge from the sound of the phone call to 80 you two had a fight. You're impulsive and you don't always think things through. And you're bi" Mike added the last sentence sort of afterwards like it just had crossed his mind.
"Um, I guess you're right 'bout that. " Billie Joe said, "You're so good at pointing out the obvious! " he ended with a sarcastic voice. He looked at Mike with his eyes cross-eyed and Mike laughed at him. "But do you really believe that I want you? " Mike laughed even more at Billie Joe's last comment.
"What? Am I not good enough for ya? " Mike asked and wiggled his eyebrows jokingly at his friend. "Come on! I'm sexy and you know it" Mike joked since he figured that they both needed a good laugh.
"Oh yeah, veeeeery" Billie Joe said still being sarcastic "I just want to kiss ya. " He leaned towards Mike a little and ran his tongue over his lips. They both started to laugh. Billie Joe had a hard time making his laugh sound genuine. He had to fake it very well or else Mike would notice something. He didn't feel like laughing at all but it was that thing about making those he cared for happy. Billie Joe felt like he wasn't worth anything 'cause he hurt everyone that was important to him so he had to do everything it took to make it up.
"I knew it! You faggot" Mike said and now it was Billie Joe's time to raise an eyebrow.
"C'mon, like you don't want me to! " he said rolling his eyes. Mike wiggled his eyebrows again and Billie Joe shook his head at his friend. "I think you're a little bi yourself"
"Hah! You wish! " Mike spitted out "YOUR hand is on MY chest"
"You haven't tried to move it now have you? " Billie Joe said and he knew he had won their little game. It was one thing they had done long ago when life wasn't so complicated. The game wasn't the slightest advanced, they simply tried to outwit each other. Mike's smile vanished from his face and he made a grimace and mumbled something Billie Joe couldn't catch. Then he grinned devilishly and pulled Billie Joe down on top of him. Mike placed a kiss on his friend's lips before he had a chance to react. Billie Joe closed his eyes.
"Mmmmm" escaped his lips before he could stop it.
"I knew it! I knew it! You liked it! " Mike said with a 'in-your-face' sort of voice.
"YOU kissed ME! " Billie Joe remained him as he rolled of Mike. His friend could think he wanted him, he didn't mind. He liked to kiss Mike, that he wouldn't deny, but he would never do anything that would hurt Adie. He loved her so much and couldn't live without her. To spoil their marriage by fucking Mike was just insane. It wasn't going to happen.
"But you didn't try to stop me, did you? " Mike said with satisfaction in his voice, he smiled from ear to ear.
"Ok, fine you win" Billie Joe said and Mike said a lot of 'oh yeah' and 'I rock' before he settled down. He hadn't realized how much he had missed messing around with his friend. Mike thought to himself that he must have missed it a good deal if he kissed Billie Joe and not vice versa. Normally he wouldn't be so hyperactive, that was more like Tré. No, he was the clam and quiet one out of the three guys most of the time. It was just 'cause he had been lonely and bored for quite a long time.
"Why did you place your hand on my chest anyway? " Mike asked more to break the silence then 'cause he was actually curious. Billie Joe started to laugh. He couldn't stop and it made Mike starting to wonder if everything was ok with him. Eventually he settled down enough to talk.
"Adrienne" she said as calm as possible but she couldn't keep her voice from shaking a little.
"Hey baby, it's me" Billie Joe said. He waited for her to throw a tantrum but she didn't say anything at all. He thought to himself that she was strangely quiet, since when was a woman quiet? Also she always got upset when he went away and didn't call her, but not this time as it seemed. "Um, I called to say that I'll stay here over the night"
"Ok, and where is 'here'? " Adrienne asked when she got her voice to work.
"At Mike's place of course" Billie Joe said like it was obvious and, actually, it kind of was. Adie didn't replay and for a while both of them were quiet. To Billie Joe it felt like an eternity. The voice in his head started to whisper that she was on to him. It mumbled that she had found out about the plan. He told it to leave him alone.
"Am I bothering you? " Adie asked confused. It took him a little while to understand what she meant. Then he realized that he must have said 'leave me alone' aloud. How stupid of him. The voices screamed at him and he put down the phone and screamed back at them. Adie thought he talked to Mike, she didn't pay that much attention to it.
"No I, um, talked to Mike, yeah I talked to him. I don't want you to leave baby" Billie Joe said as an answer to hear question. She didn't notice that he lied 'cause the only thing on her mind was that she needed to know that everything was ok with Billie Joe and Mike.
"Sweetie? You haven't hurt Mike have you? " Adie's voice was filled with anxiety. She had no idea why she felt so scared. Billie Joe would never do something like that, it had just been her son's imagination. None the less she was Trembling with fear. Billie Joe was silently wondering how she could know, and if she had found that out he wouldn't be able to hide the plan much longer. Then he shook his head and thought to himself that he was being paranoid.
"I wish I could say no" he sighted. His voice was lifeless and only the slightest trace of sorrow could be found in it. Adie started to cry and sob like her heart was going to break. Billie Joe didn't understand anything at all. He tried to comfort her but she didn't even her him.
"Oh no, please tell me it isn't true, tell me Mike's ok! " she managed to say in between her sobs. Billie Joe felt like someone was driving a sharp object into his heart. He had hurt both Mike and Adie really bad. How he wished that he could make it undone. Once again he wanted to cry but didn't. It was needles to cry. Tears didn't change the past or fix the present.
"Don't cry, it's true but don't cry. Mike is not ok and it's my fault" it didn't cross neither his nor her mind that they wasn't talking about the same thing. Adie meant it physically, she thought that her housebound had hit or kicked Mike or even worse. Billie Joe on the other hand was referring to that he had hurt Mike by abandoning him.
"How could you? He's your best friend! " Adie blurred out without thinking. It made Billie Joe snap. He didn't mean to hurt anyone. He just wanted everything to be ok but he kept fucking up. It was bad enough that he tortured himself by thinking that he was a worthless person but when Adie didn't believe in him anymore it became too much.
"Since when did you start to care about him?! " he screamed "I didn't mean to hurt him! I didn't mean to hurt anyone! Can you fuckin' understand that! " Adie tried to calm him down but he kept screaming. He lost control as usual and he's temper flied. "But don't you worry, I'll put an end to his pain! " he ended and hung up. Adie sunk down on the couch crying. She kept telling herself that everything was going to be ok. Billie Joe and Mike had just had one of those fights that even best friends have. He wasn't going to kill Mike, of course not, he probably stayed so they could sort things out. Adrienne felt bad about herself. She had upset Billie Joe for no reason. As she sat there Jakob walked in. He couldn't sleep and went looking for his mommy so she could tuck him in. He didn't know why she was sad but he started to cry to just because she did. Jakob snuggled up beside her and she put her arms around him. So they sat for a while before he feel asleep. Adie carried him back to bed and then went to bed herself. She didn't get much sleep that night though.
When Billie Joe hung up he sunk down on the floor. Then he took a deep breath and screamed until he had no air left in his lungs. After that he just sat quiet. Mike was upstairs and he had heard Billie Joe's screams but he figured it was better to leave him alone for a little while so he had time to settle down. Mike couldn't help that he felt like a jerk. He shouldn't have told Billie Joe anything. It was too late however and regrets were useless. The only thing to do was to make the best of it. Maybe it would have been better if he had done otherwise. Billie Joe felt empty, sort of drained, and the constant feeling of being all alone was more distinct than usually. Without thinking he took of his belt off and hit himself on the arm. It stung a little. The next hit was harder and actually hurt. He did it over and over again. The pain in his arm somewhat numbed the feeling of loneliness. Eventually the hits ripped up his skin. Once again he had got himself wound up. When he saw the blood on his arm he stopped. Slowly he got on his feet and put his belt back on. His head felt like it was filled with clouds that whirled around along with his thoughts. Billie Joe took one step at a time and slowly went up the stairs. For each step he tried to put the broken pieces of his mind back together. Things that had built up inside of him for years and all the pain he had hid in the corners of his mind was dangerously close to break its chines and drown him. His shattered life was so close to come crushing down on him. When he reached the top of the stairs he had gotten himself together as well as he could.
"I heard you scream" Mike said when Billie Joe walked into his bedroom. Mike was lying down stretched out on his bed. He had taken his sweater off and thrown it on the floor. Billie Joe stood in the doorway looking at him.
"Are you ok? " Mike asked Billie Joe nodded at him and walked over to the sweater. He picked it up and looked at it. Mike had obviously taken it off 'cause it was bloodstained. Billie Joe dropped it back on the floor and sat down next to Mike.
"I'm fine" he answered a little absent. He glanced at Mike from the corner of his eye. A doubt had come creeping onto him when he had seen Mike lying on the bed. What was his reason to stay over the night? Was it to help? Or could it be something else?
"Alrighty, but your arm sure doesn't look fine" Mike said with a wry smile. Billie Joe gave his arm a brief look and sighted. "I know you wanna help me, and I think you can, but you have to admit that it's a little like a blind leading a blind. And you know what happens if a blind lead a blind" Mike said though he knew that his friend wasn't paying much attention.
"What are you talking 'bout" Billie Joe asked sounding a little confused. Mike laughed at him.
"If a blind leads a blind both will fall in a pit" he said coming to the point but Billie Joe didn't understand what he meant at all.
"Would ya stop talking in riddles" he was a bit annoyed that he didn't get it. Normally he would've understand it but he was a mess and very tired.
"I hurt myself and have gotten to the point where I can't stop anymore and I want your help. The thing's that you are self-destructive as well" Mike explained. Billie Joe turned his head to look at him. Then he looked first at Mike's arms and then at his own. His friend was right, how could he help when he did the same?
"Hey, it's ok" Mike smiled at him "I only need you around that's all since I cut 'cuz I'm lonely and pathetic, don't worry. " Billie Joe bobbed his head once and then he let it hang down. Mike closed his eyes and wondered why he hadn't let things stay the way they where. The only thing he believed he'd achieved by telling Billie Joe everything was to upset his friend. Suddenly he felt Billie Joe's cold hand on his bare chest. Mike opened his eyes and stared at his friend.
"What the hell? " he thought but was too surprised speak, he was dumbstruck. Billie Joe looked him in the eyes and smiled.
"Throb, throb, throb" Billie Joe said to the pace of Mike's heartbeats. Mike lifted an eyebrow at him still too shocked to speak. Billie Joe's behavior made him a little suspicious. He had always been a very physical person who liked to hug and kiss his friends so Mike was used to it. However, since BJ was bisexual, Mike was always on his guard so his friend would get any ideas.
"Don't look at me like that! Why so suspicious? " Billie Joe asked with a smile. Mike smiled back at him and finally he could speak again.
"Well, to judge from the sound of the phone call to 80 you two had a fight. You're impulsive and you don't always think things through. And you're bi" Mike added the last sentence sort of afterwards like it just had crossed his mind.
"Um, I guess you're right 'bout that. " Billie Joe said, "You're so good at pointing out the obvious! " he ended with a sarcastic voice. He looked at Mike with his eyes cross-eyed and Mike laughed at him. "But do you really believe that I want you? " Mike laughed even more at Billie Joe's last comment.
"What? Am I not good enough for ya? " Mike asked and wiggled his eyebrows jokingly at his friend. "Come on! I'm sexy and you know it" Mike joked since he figured that they both needed a good laugh.
"Oh yeah, veeeeery" Billie Joe said still being sarcastic "I just want to kiss ya. " He leaned towards Mike a little and ran his tongue over his lips. They both started to laugh. Billie Joe had a hard time making his laugh sound genuine. He had to fake it very well or else Mike would notice something. He didn't feel like laughing at all but it was that thing about making those he cared for happy. Billie Joe felt like he wasn't worth anything 'cause he hurt everyone that was important to him so he had to do everything it took to make it up.
"I knew it! You faggot" Mike said and now it was Billie Joe's time to raise an eyebrow.
"C'mon, like you don't want me to! " he said rolling his eyes. Mike wiggled his eyebrows again and Billie Joe shook his head at his friend. "I think you're a little bi yourself"
"Hah! You wish! " Mike spitted out "YOUR hand is on MY chest"
"You haven't tried to move it now have you? " Billie Joe said and he knew he had won their little game. It was one thing they had done long ago when life wasn't so complicated. The game wasn't the slightest advanced, they simply tried to outwit each other. Mike's smile vanished from his face and he made a grimace and mumbled something Billie Joe couldn't catch. Then he grinned devilishly and pulled Billie Joe down on top of him. Mike placed a kiss on his friend's lips before he had a chance to react. Billie Joe closed his eyes.
"Mmmmm" escaped his lips before he could stop it.
"I knew it! I knew it! You liked it! " Mike said with a 'in-your-face' sort of voice.
"YOU kissed ME! " Billie Joe remained him as he rolled of Mike. His friend could think he wanted him, he didn't mind. He liked to kiss Mike, that he wouldn't deny, but he would never do anything that would hurt Adie. He loved her so much and couldn't live without her. To spoil their marriage by fucking Mike was just insane. It wasn't going to happen.
"But you didn't try to stop me, did you? " Mike said with satisfaction in his voice, he smiled from ear to ear.
"Ok, fine you win" Billie Joe said and Mike said a lot of 'oh yeah' and 'I rock' before he settled down. He hadn't realized how much he had missed messing around with his friend. Mike thought to himself that he must have missed it a good deal if he kissed Billie Joe and not vice versa. Normally he wouldn't be so hyperactive, that was more like Tré. No, he was the clam and quiet one out of the three guys most of the time. It was just 'cause he had been lonely and bored for quite a long time.
"Why did you place your hand on my chest anyway? " Mike asked more to break the silence then 'cause he was actually curious. Billie Joe started to laugh. He couldn't stop and it made Mike starting to wonder if everything was ok with him. Eventually he settled down enough to talk.
