Drenched In My Pain, chapter 6

So I swallowed the lump in my throat once againand began to talk, my voice even more shaky than before "after about 4 years when Elise was eight it was..to much for her to handle ... me and Lily found her hanging from the top of the stair rail" my voice became more high pitched and tears fell heavily down my face as i retold this painful memory. Billie Joe was in shock he looked sick " I'm so sorry " he said and reached out and patted my arm like it was a cat, comforting me, I swallowed again and presed on "when the police came back he put on this act like he was crying and he told them that he was going to take us out of this town to get Lily and I away from her and mums memory but really he didnt want the police checking up on us to see if everything was ok because we might let something slip or something like that. Lily and i were punished severly for Elises suicide because it brought the police back again but they just thought she was having trouble dealing with our mothers death, but that was only scratching the surface of it. Me and Lily were told if we "pulled that stunt on him" he would hurt the one left behind. When Elise died Lily and I became each others everything she was my rock and i was hers, without her there i would have gone insane but 2 years ago....2 years ago Lily....Lily...was..killed" at that moment my insides exploded my pain and i cried very very heavily and i brought my legs up onto the seat and wrapped my arms around them and cried into my knees, rocking back and forth, I was in so much pain words wont even begin to describe it, Billie Joe put his arm arouround me and pulled me towards him and i just kept crying, he had his hand on my head and he was just holding me like a daughter telling me that everything was gunna be ok. I just cried and cried and the tears kept coming for hours until eventually i had none left. I sat up and wiped the tears from my face and said in a very croaky voice "sorry" but he waved it off once more and said "um..look you dont have to keep going you know..i ..i understand" but i shook my head "no..now that i've started..i i want you to know the rest of the story..i..i need to do this." He nodded and i continued "yes wellum after Lily..Lily after she.." I stopped and closed my eyes to the pain and when i opened them, silent tears were runnning down my face and my voice was very shaky "after..Lily..after Lily..." I couldnt seem to find a way to say it that didnt hurt "passed away" I hickupped then started talking " everything got worse, the drinking, the drugs, the abuse..I had no one everyone i ever cared about was...was..was" I started crying again and mumbled "just give me a minute and i wrapped my arms around my stomach and clutched my sides and slowly rocked back and forth while sobbing, I let my head fall onto the back of the seat and blew out as much oxygen as i could I felt like alot of air was trapped inside me and it was pressing up against me trying to escape " everything was worse" I say quietly "he would beat me harder and more often and the abuse got much much worse, he had to buy a new iron twice" As i said this i shuddered " I swithced schools to avoid attention and i met this girl nicole..she tried to be my friend but i never like dher much, but i needed the support but all she ever said was that i was wrong and stupid and deserved what i got, because once I told her i was going to run to the police, she would tell me that it wont work that he will find me - kill me, she broke my spirits until I had no hope left. Today I just got sick of it she told me to just give up, to grin and bear it she told me I was useless and that he was right and i just cracked and ran away" Tears were still streaming down my face, Billie Joe was dumbstruck then his expression changed to anger and he yelled "WELL NICOLE IS FULL OF BULL SHIT! you are NOT useless hjear me ? you are not and as for your dad? he is just an arse wipe!" he softend his face a bit and asked me "why didnt you leave sooner" "because I was afraid that Nicole was right and that he would track me down" Billie joe looked me in the eye, his face was full of sympathy and he hugged me and i cried myself to sleep in his arms.