You're My Little Secret, chapter 15
I laid awake for a long time after Tre left. I didn't really bother to glance at the time, I knew it was sometime in the early morning when he had gently woken me up to tell me goodbye. We had crawled into bed after spending a great amount of time on the floor and fell asleep whispering to each other; him admitting that he had been kidding about having a long distance relationship with the random girl in a bar over the webcam. And me admitting that he was the real reason why Ian and I never properly had a relationship, my heart wasn't in it. I treasured falling asleep in his arms, but still felt like I contradicted myself when I said we needed to be more honest, and here we were sneaking around again. I found comfort in the fact that at least this time I had every intention of telling my sister the truth about us. It soothed me some but my heart tugged at how she might react.
And then there was her suspicious behavior... what was she hiding?
After awhile I got up and got ready, resolving to figure out what was going on with my sister; I figured a nice chat over breakfast was just the thing. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face as I picked up the remains of last night's feast on the floor. And I couldn't shake the happy thoughts of not having to sneak around anymore, no more unnecessary stress to deal with.
Awhile later I walked down the hall and knocked on Adrienne's suite and waited patiently as I heard footsteps approaching. I looked up in surprise as Billie Joe pulled open the door, looking as though he just finished getting ready himself.
"Hey Ava." He greeted me. "Adrienne and the boys are out doing some shopping and getting breakfast... she said she needed some things." He added, scratching at his messy hair.
I nodded, jamming my hands in my pockets. "Oh okay, I just thought I would see if she wanted to get breakfast, but I guess that answers my question." I replied, shrugging as we stood looking at each other uncomfortably for a moment.
"Well, umm, I haven't had breakfast yet. Do you, uh, do you want to get something to eat with me?" he asked, looking a little unsure as he did.
I shrugged, also a little leery. "Sure."
He nodded, "Okay, let me grab my wallet. Just a sec." he said, closing the door as he disappeared back inside.
He rejoined me in the hallway a moment later, pulling a black jacket on as we silently made our way to the elevator.
"What do you feel like?" He asked as we rode down to the lobby, each of us fidgeting in one way or another.
"Uhh, waffles?" I suggested, shrugging.
He nodded. "I was thinking eggs." He put in, grinning a little as I felt my usual annoyance with him rise slightly in my stomach.
"Okay, well, I'm sure we could find a place that offers both." I replied, taking the higher road. Sarcasm and bitchy comments would only earn me the same in return from him, and I found myself really trying to make an effort to get along better with him.
We walked silently out of the hotel as we both lit up our respective cigarettes and crossed the street to see what the town had to offer. We decided on a small little restaurant a few blocks down. Billie Joe graciously pulled out my chair for me as I slid into it, thanking him. He was nothing if not a gentleman, I would give him that. We both ordered a coffee and an orange juice and settled back in our respective chairs, with me picking at my fingernails and him looking out the window.
"So, uh, are you looking forward to heading home in a couple of days?" he asked, breaking the silence that settled over the small table.
I shrugged, staring into my coffee. "Yes and no. I like being overseas with you guys and Adrienne, but I miss my bed. And I kind of miss my job." I replied as he nodded and twirled his wedding band around his finger.
Our food arrived shortly after we ordered, and as I took a bite of my waffles I noticed him eyeing me from across the table.
"Why do you suppose we don't get along?" He questioned curiously, stabbing a forkful of scrambled eggs. "Never mind the fact we're both stubborn as fuck."
I smirked as I mulled over an appropriate way to answer him back for a moment.
"We've NEVER gotten along." I pointed out lamely. "I guess we just sort of got into the habit of simply tolerating one another for Adrienne's sake."
He nodded at me and then lowered his eyes back down to his plate. "It's kind of fucking pathetic, don't you think? I mean, I'm not going anywhere... you're not going anywhere. Don't you think it's time we learned to get past all of the bullshit and learn to find common ground beyond Adrienne?" he asked daringly, picking up his coffee mug and taking a sip.
I nodded in agreeance. "There has never been a doubt in my mind that you love my sister and my nephews... it's not that, but last year with all the bullshit going on... I just, I just found it easier to blame you." I replied honestly. "I hate that you're away all the time and I used to think you never saw what Adrienne and the kids go through, but lately I've tried to see things from your perspective too. I don't know... it's just a fucked up situation... but I need to be more open to the fact that my sister can be difficult too. I know that more than anyone else. And she chose to be with you, and she knew the lifestyle she was getting into." I said, as a small smile played on his lips as I continued, "Look, I'm sorry for being an asshole and for barging in on your business and for more often than not putting my bitch hat on, as you say, it's just an instinct for me sometimes. I want to protect my sister. But maybe I need to learn to only butt in sometimes."
He nodded and set his coffee cup back down. "And I want to apologize for ever making you feel unwelcome or unappreciated. You may not realize, but you're a very important part of your sister's life, therefore you're important to me too... I think you give her the sanity that I can't." He replied quietly. "And I understand your distaste for me sometimes... hell, I can't fucking stand myself most of the time either." He joked lightly. "I can be an asshole of the grandest kind."
I surprised myself by reaching across the table and taking his hand. "We're both in the wrong for different things... so let's start over, huh? And I mean REALLY try to play nicely with each other." I insisted, feeling a sense of happiness fill me at the prospect of finding a resolution with him. "We'll let bygones be bygones."
I could tell he was floored at my extension of peace, but he grinned and patted my hand that was closed around his. "Deal. But only if you promise to stop making jokes about my hair."
My mouth dropped open a little as I quickly retracted my hand and he chuckled. "Let's not put the cart before the horse." I joked back as he laughed harder and nodded. "Alright, alright."
I felt a cloud lift over our heads as we sat and ate the rest of our meal, chatting a bit about sports and different things. Neither of us tried to be over the top and fill each moment with conversation, but I felt that Billie Joe and I making a pact to start over was a reason to smile and to feel good; we were working towards making amends, something we should have tried to do years ago. But I'm a big believer in things happening for a reason... maybe it was only supposed to happen now because of the events that brought us here. Either way, I was happy to sit peacefully across from my brother-in-law, someone I never saw eye to eye with, and finish my breakfast.
Later on at the venue I was walking towards the bathroom when I felt two of my favorite arms wrap around me and pull me down an adjoined hallway. I sighed in contentment when I felt Tre's hips press mine against the wall, his lips claiming mine instantaneously. I gripped his waist as his palms pressed into the cool wall behind me, blocking me between him and the wall. I giggled when he started playfully nibbling on my neck, but he quickly jerked his head up to look towards the main hallway.
"Shhh." He whispered, nervously.
"No one's around." I promised, leaning back in for a kiss.
At that exact moment we heard the sound of high heels clicking across the floor, coming closer with each step.
"Sidney." We muttered in unison, breaking apart and quickly separating as she glanced down the adjoining hall at us.
"Hey!" She chirped happily, making her way over to me and throwing an arm around my waist. "Do you think you could help me find a great club to reserve for my birthday?"
I nodded and threw an apologetic look over my shoulder at Tre, who shrugged, as she led me back towards the lounge. "I forgot your birthday is coming up." I mumbled uselessly.
She nodded. "I'm looking to make this a large celebration, spare no expensive." She replied, gesturing wildly with her hands as she hauled out her laptop and turned it on.
We sat for awhile looking through clubs on the internet that she was interested in, and I was wondering what purpose I served in all of this when she suddenly looked up at me through her painted eyes and said, "I think Mike is sick of me."
I glanced nervously over at her, feeling like I was under interrogation as she regarded my reaction slowly.
"I don't want to be put in the middle." I said, holding my hands up as if surrendering. "You should talk to Mike if you feel that way."
She sighed, ignoring my request. "He hasn't said anything to you?"
"Sidney... " I started but she cut me off.
"Just level with me, kid, is he going to break up with me?" she asked quietly, her chin quivering a little as she stared at me.
My defenses crumbled as I softened at her anxiety and patted her leg reassuringly. "He just hates that you guys have such different schedules, that's all."
Her eyes still looked a little sad so I added, "If you've been making it work for this long why can't it continue to work? Just try and call him more... he needs some stability in his life." I said as she grinned a little.
"Thanks Ava, I guess I needed some reassurance from you... he seems to talk to you the most."
I eyed her carefully. "Mike has been through a lot of shit with women in the past... remember that." I added as she nodded and pointed to something on her computer screen.
"I like this club... think we could get it for two weeks from tomorrow?" she asked as she hauled out her cell phone. And before I could answer she said confidently, "I'll make it work."
I watched her get up and pace around the room as she talked to several different people before being connection to who I assumed was the owner. She bargained and negotiated, surprisingly not having to raise her voice more than a few times. I heard her painful gooey gushing as she thanked him and then hung up, plopping back down on the couch next to me.
"Piece of fucking cake." She mumbled, letting her eye flutter closed as she crossed her stiletto heeled feet up on the coffee table in front of us.
"Are you inviting colleagues to your party?" I asked.
She nodded. "Yeah, I'm expecting almost 300 people." She muttered lazily.
I nodded. "Sounds impressive."
She ignored my compliment. "How did you and Mike get to be so close?" she asked instead and still with her eyes closed.
I regarded her silently for a moment.
"Umm, well, when I was growing up Mike and I just seemed to get along. He never treated me like I was 8 years younger than he was... he always treated me like an equal and I appreciated that. And I don't know... we always kept in touch when I moved to Paris by email, updating each other on stuff. And then when I moved back I started seeing him more and more as I started seeing Adrienne more and more. You must have realized by now that Mike and Billie Joe are a package deal." I said, shrugging even though she couldn't see it. "He's just always been like my big brother I guess. I trust him."
She shifted a little and glanced over at me, shoving my knee with her hand.
"And what about Tre? What was he like growing up with?" She asked, not bothering to hide her curiosity.
I couldn't help but grin. "Tre was like a big kid growing up... he always took me to concerts and bought me CD's. He was like a big playmate I guess." I said simply, shrugging to show my nonchalance.
I saw her grin from the corner of my eye as I concentrated on an article in my magazine.
"Did you ever have a crush on him growing up?" She pressed, again not bothering to keep the obvious interest out of her voice.
"I thought he was cute when I was younger... like when I was 18... but he was also married for quite a few of the earlier years that I've known him." I reminded her as she kind of chuckled.
"He isn't married now." She replied, winking at me before standing up. "Anyway, thanks for your help Ava dear. And I expect to see you on July 23rd." She reminded, pointing the end of her cell phone antenna at me as she headed for the door. "Oh, and bring a date. Maybe Tre?" She quickly threw out before giggling and exiting the room.
I exhaled nervously. "Nosy bitch." I muttered playfully under my breath before wondering if maybe I was wearing a sign that confessed how I was feeling towards a particular drummer lately. Or maybe it had just been this way all along and I hadn't bothered to stop and look.
I was still flipping through my magazine awhile later, enjoying the peace when I heard the sound of a muffled cell phone ringing. I glanced around and realized it was coming from Adrienne's bag on the table next to me. I clamored to my feet and dug around quickly for the cell phone that was playing the theme song to 'I Dream of Jeannie'. I glanced at the caller ID; never thinking twice about picking it up, seeing that it said Dr. Roberts, our family physician.
"Hello?"
"Hello Mrs. Armstrong, this is Dr. Roberts." A chipper voice greeted me from the other end.
"No, this is.." I started, trying to explain that I was just answering my sister's cell phone, suddenly remembering that we sounded almost identical on the phone. Sometimes our own mother had trouble telling us apart.
But the man didn't seem to hear me. "We have your test results back." He said softly, the tone of his voice and the regret that seemed to float to my end of the phone was enough to make me not only close my mouth, but to sink down onto one of the big couches in fear; I wasn't even aware she had tests done recently.
"Umm, okay. And?" I asked, gripping the side of the couch and praying that it was just a virus or something. She had been looking rather tired and run down lately... oh please God, let it be a virus.
"This is a rather delicate situation we have on our own hands, you see. We, um, we found a tumor on your ovary. It's benign, which means it's not cancerous Mrs. Armstrong, but it will have to be removed. We would like you to come in as soon as possible to discuss further treatments." The doctor said in a straightforward manner, which seemed to numb my brain even more.
I forgot for a moment that I had to respond and that I had been mistaken for Adrienne. "What could happen to her... to me." I stuttered, trying to correct myself.
The doctor cleared his throat. "Well, like I said we would like you to come in to discuss treatment options... and we will have to run some more tests. But I think surgery would be your best bet, we need to get this out of your body." He answered patiently.
I paused for a moment, letting my mind reel at all of this new information. Why the hell hadn't she said something about all of this? I didn't even know anything was wrong with her.
I cleared my throat and tried to think logically. "Well, I'm out of the country until the end of next week but when I get back I'll have her... I mean, I'll call you and we can set something up." I murmured, feeling my stomach twist into tiny knots.
"That would be fine, Mrs. Armstrong, just continue to take the pain medication I have prescribed if you feel any discomfort. And call me as SOON as possible." He stressed and then he wished me a good day and hung up.
I let her cell phone drop from my hands on to the table as I stared at the floor. I didn't understand... why hadn't she said anything? I was pretty sure Billie Joe didn't know, he never let on that anything was wrong; he was just always concerned that she was tired.
I fought the tears as I continued to sit on the couch, wrapping my arms around myself. I was angry at her for not telling me, but I was angrier at the fact that this was happening to my sister and she had chosen to go at this alone. A tumor? Hearing that it is benign made me feel a little better, and I kept trying to tell myself that we had good doctors, Billie Joe saw to that. I didn't want to think of the worst case scenario but I couldn't help but wonder if she could die... and that was something I couldn't bear.
That night at the venue after the guys took the stage I watched in annoyance as my sister fluttered around, talking to herself and trying to organize something in her Blackberry. I sat on a chair in the backstage area and watched as Joey and Jakob played an impromptu game of golf that involved a rolled up piece of paper as the ball and two large wooden rulers as the putters, giggling as they gave up on trying to hit the paper ball and instead took to swatting one another.
"Alright, break it up you two hoodlums." I said as Joey whacked Jakob fairly hard on the tush.
Adrienne, still messing around with the electronic organizer in her hand, never looked up as the kids began bickering back and forth. Luckily, the boys bickered themselves into an agreement to play Xbox in lounge just down the hall. After a few minutes of silence and my intense staring she brought her head up and looked around, confusion running across her face.
"Where did the boys go?" she asked curiously.
"Oh, I sent them to run around the venue with sharp objects in their hands." I muttered sarcastically as she raised her eyebrows. "Xbox." I simply muttered as she nodded and turned her attention back to her Blackberry.
My anger and frustration and hurt came pouring out of me in a single moment when I walked the short distance between us and ripped the device out of her hand.
"How could you not tell me?" I demanded, realizing in the back of my mind what a fucking hypocrite I was being. She wasn't the only one harboring a secret... but at least mine didn't involved life or death.
She looked at me as though I was mental as she sat rigidly in her chair.
"I, uh, I didn't think you would care if I went ahead and booked the KC Reception Hall for mom and dad's anniversary. I mean, I know it's in September but we really should get a move on things." She replied, cautiously, trying to grab her organizer out of my hand. "We could always reserve the English Hills Country Club if you're more comfortable with that."
I shook my head vigorously. "I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about your doctor's appointments."
Her face visibly paled as she sat in shock. "Ava, what?" I... "
"How could you not tell ME?" I demanded. "Does Billie Joe know?"
I watched as her eyes dropped away from my gaze as she shook her head. "No one knows." She whispered.
I stood in front of her, wanting to grab her shoulders to shake her, to yell at her for not telling any of us, but I didn't. I simply sat down next to her and pulled her in for a hug. I felt her head drop on to my shoulder as she sniffled. "Ava, I'm scared."
I nodded wordlessly and realized that I was going to have to be the one to tell her the news, God I was glad I wasn't a doctor; I could never deliver people's fate to them over a telephone or in person day after day. It would break my heart every time.
"I'm sorry for yelling at you... I just... it came out of nowhere." I admitted, holding her close as we sat quietly for a moment listening to Billie Joe trying to pick out members of the audience for a band onstage, his favorite part of the show. "I knew something was going on, but I didn't think it was anything like this."
"How did you find out?" she whimpered into my shoulder.
I sighed. "Your cell rang while I was in the lounge, and we've always told each other to answer the other's phone if we weren't around... and well, you weren't around." I muttered lamely, before continuing, "Dr. Roberts said they found a tumor on your ovary."
I felt her body tense against mine as the words lingered in the air, clashing against the sound of Billie Joe's out on stage. "But it's not cancerous." I rushed on; wanting to give her some comfort, hoping those words would soothe her a little. "He, uh, he wants you to come in for some more tests and to talk about your options."
She sniffled a little and I tried to imagine what it would be like to know there was something so foreign in your body, something that demanded such attention.
"I won't be able to have any more babies?" She said shakily as I heard a small sob escape her throat. I pulled her closer to me as a member of the tech crew walked by with a concerned look on his face. I waved him on as I smoothed her hair.
"He said they would probably have to do surgery... but Adrienne, it is possible to get pregnant with just one ovary." I assured her but I don't think she heard me. I felt her tears soak my shirt as she finally broke down and cried. I held her, rocking back and forth in a slow motion, as all the moments of confusion and feeling alone poured out. We sat like that for awhile, her sobs dying away and masked by her sniffles as she sat up and fumbled in her purse for a tissue.
"I don't want the boys to see me cry." She explained, glancing around as though she was in embarrassed.
I rubbed her back as she sat miserably slumped in her chair. "I felt a lump about two months ago." She said, glancing over at me. "I've been in for a couple tests with Dr. Roberts... .I just... I didn't want you guys to worry."
I shook my head. "But we want to be here for you, Adrienne. You would be fucking PISSED if something like that was going on with me and I didn't tell you." I mumbled as she grinned a little.
"You're right. I'm sorry." She said reaching over to pat my leg.
"You need to tell Billie Joe... he's going to be pissed as hell that you didn't tell him, but he would want to know. He's your husband, he DESERVES to know."
She nodded. "I just didn't want the boys to worry... and there's so much shit going on... I'll tell him when the tour is over and when we're all home." That seemed to be a popular idea around here lately.
I pulled her against me once more for good measure. "I want to go with you when you get your tests done. You shouldn't have to go through this alone... we're all here for you." I mumbled into her hair as the boys came scampering down the hallway towards us.
Adrienne quickly sat upright and brushed at her teary eyes.
Jakob skid to a full stop in front of her, his brown eyes full of confusion.
"What's wrong mommy?" He asked, leaning against her knees as she shook her head.
"Nothing, kiddo, aunt Ava just told me a funny story. You know how mommy likes to laugh." She explained, but I could tell her oldest son wasn't convinced.
"I'm hungry." Joey whined, eyeing his mother carefully from behind Jakob.
"Okay, let's go grab something to eat." Adrienne said, sounding a little glad for some normalcy, a distraction. "Coming?" she asked, once she was standing, holding both of her son's hands.
I shook my head. "I'm good." I replied as she nodded in understanding.
"We'll see you back at the hotel."
I watched my only sister walked away with my nephews hanging off of her like monkeys as they made their way back towards the lounge. It made me sad to think of what the months ahead would bring, but I vowed to stick by her through all of it.
My last remaining days with the guys went by in a blur. I think Tre sensed a change in me, but I didn't say anything to make him think otherwise when he chalked it up to me being sad because I had to leave him. That was true too. I felt a little anxiety over my promise to tell Adrienne about Tre and I now that I knew she was sick, but I did want to be with him so I needed to find a right time and place to talk with her about all of this. I wish I could have talked to Mike about everything but I had sworn on our mother's grave not to mention anything to anyone. And she was right; it was her place to tell Billie Joe and our parents.
Our mother and father were going to flip when they found out, but I knew we would all make it through; Adrienne and I didn't get our strength from anywhere strange, we were taught to be strong by our parents.
Adrienne and I had had actually been discussing plans since I arrived for their upcoming anniversary in September. They would be celebrating 35 years together and we thought it would be appropriate to throw them a big surprise party back home amongst their close friends and our family. That was set to take place on Friday, September 16th because the guys just happened to be playing a show that night in Minneapolis, and because Adrienne wanted the guys to be there to help them celebrate, we thought that would be perfect. But right now that party was moved back on the list of priorities, her health and healing became priority one.
On my last night with the guys I began the long process of sorting and packing my things. Tre sat perched on my bed watching a movie on TV, shooting me exasperated looks every time I would have to walk in front of his line of vision to grab something.
"Jesus, you act like you haven't seen this movie a hundred times." I teased as he glared at me and waved at me to move.
"I keep hoping the ending is going to change." He murmured as I giggled.
"Sweety, I'm sorry but I don't think Russell Crowe is ever NOT going to die."
I watched him close his eyes in mock disappointment before turning back to my packing duties. I was in the middle of trying to figure out how I shut my suitcase in the first place, which always seemed to be my problem, when Tre extended his leg and shoved my entire suitcase off my bed with one kick of his foot. I placed my hands on my hips and tried to shoot him a glare but he looked so funny pretending to be innocent.
"Oh no, I have shoved all your clothes on the floor. Guess this means you have to stay." He said, shrugging his shoulders and grinning at me.
I shrugged back at him. "No, it just means I get to spend less time making your toes curl because I have to pack everything again instead."
The desperate look he gave me made me want to laugh as he launched forward and began grabbing shirts and pants off the floor and placing them back on the bed. I laughed at his antics, leaning forward to kneel on my bed amongst all my clothes as he also leaned towards me, cupping my face with his hands as we kissed. Before long he had me pinned me underneath him as we continued to kiss and cuddle. Things were moving forward in a satisfying manner when I heard my cell phone ring from somewhere beneath the depths of my clothes.
"Ignore it." He mumbled against my neck as I began digging through some shirts with one arm. I giggled when he grabbed for my arm, but as he moved I managed to slither out from underneath his warm body, locating my cell phone. I felt him kneel behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist.
"Who is it?" he murmured against my ear, sending shivers down my spine.
My breath hitched in my throat when I realized it was Ian that was calling. Tre read the name the same time I did because he tensed a little.
"You going to answer it?" he questioned, his voice wavering in annoyance.
I shrugged. "I guess. I don't know what he could want." I offered as an excuse, turning to look at him as I flipped open my cell phone.
"Hello?" I asked as Tre released his grip on my waist. I grabbed for him but he climbed off the bed and made his way towards the bathroom.
"Ava, hey." Ian mumbled into the phone. "You sound so far away."
I felt guilty all over again, never really bothering to level with him and explain my situation with Tre, but I had a feeling he also knew things weren't going to pan out. Regardless, I still felt bad that I had never really given him a chance, but he really was a great guy; he would find someone to make him happy.
I laughed politely. "I feel like I've been away forever... how is everything back home?"
"Good, real good." He answered. There was a brief moment of silence and I was wondering why he had called out of the blue, especially when I would be home the following evening.
I think he quickly realized this because he rushed on to explain. "I called to let you know that I'm going to visit some family in Oregon for about two weeks... I, uh, wasn't sure if you wanted me to pick you up from the airport and I didn't want to leave you hanging if you wanted a ride."
I smiled. "That's sweet Ian, I appreciate you calling but I'm more than happy to call a cab, that's fine. Go and have fun with your family, I know how you miss them." I assured him, hoping despite our circumstances that maybe in the end we could still be friends... he really was sweet.
I heard the toilet flush as Tre emerged from the bathroom, leaning against the doorway of the bedroom, his expression unreadable.
"Oh okay then. Well, I'm sure we can talk more about your trip later. I, um, I just wanted to call to tell you that I miss you and that I hope you have a safe flight." He mumbled, and I could almost see him running his hands through his hair in a nervous habit.
"You too, Ian. Travel safely." I replied, saying goodbye as we hung up.
I threw my cell phone back on top of my clothes and held my arms out to Tre.
"Come here."
He hesitated for a moment before ambling towards me and sitting down on the edge of the bed. I crawled towards him and wrapped my arms around him from the back as he sat hunched forward.
"What did he want?" he asked quietly.
"He's leaving to visit his family in Oregon and he wanted to make sure I had made proper arrangements to get home I guess." I explained nonchalantly, kissing the back of his neck as he nodded.
"You miss him?"
I laid my head against his back and sighed. "I hope that he and I can be friends because he's a really great guy... but Tre, it's you I want." I replied confidently. "I want you and I to work, not me and Ian."
I felt his hands grasp mine, which were still wrapped around his mid section.
"I want that too." He replied quietly, twisting around and placing a hand on the bed. "I just don't want anything to get in the way of us. I've waited too long to be with you... Adrienne is the only acceptable barrier at this point." He joked as he leaned in to kiss me. "And I think that will be a big enough."
I giggled against his lips as he maneuvered to pin me underneath him once again.
"Now where were we?" He teased as I wrapped my legs around his waist and pulled him closer against me. "Oh yeah, I think I remember now... "
And then there was her suspicious behavior... what was she hiding?
After awhile I got up and got ready, resolving to figure out what was going on with my sister; I figured a nice chat over breakfast was just the thing. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face as I picked up the remains of last night's feast on the floor. And I couldn't shake the happy thoughts of not having to sneak around anymore, no more unnecessary stress to deal with.
Awhile later I walked down the hall and knocked on Adrienne's suite and waited patiently as I heard footsteps approaching. I looked up in surprise as Billie Joe pulled open the door, looking as though he just finished getting ready himself.
"Hey Ava." He greeted me. "Adrienne and the boys are out doing some shopping and getting breakfast... she said she needed some things." He added, scratching at his messy hair.
I nodded, jamming my hands in my pockets. "Oh okay, I just thought I would see if she wanted to get breakfast, but I guess that answers my question." I replied, shrugging as we stood looking at each other uncomfortably for a moment.
"Well, umm, I haven't had breakfast yet. Do you, uh, do you want to get something to eat with me?" he asked, looking a little unsure as he did.
I shrugged, also a little leery. "Sure."
He nodded, "Okay, let me grab my wallet. Just a sec." he said, closing the door as he disappeared back inside.
He rejoined me in the hallway a moment later, pulling a black jacket on as we silently made our way to the elevator.
"What do you feel like?" He asked as we rode down to the lobby, each of us fidgeting in one way or another.
"Uhh, waffles?" I suggested, shrugging.
He nodded. "I was thinking eggs." He put in, grinning a little as I felt my usual annoyance with him rise slightly in my stomach.
"Okay, well, I'm sure we could find a place that offers both." I replied, taking the higher road. Sarcasm and bitchy comments would only earn me the same in return from him, and I found myself really trying to make an effort to get along better with him.
We walked silently out of the hotel as we both lit up our respective cigarettes and crossed the street to see what the town had to offer. We decided on a small little restaurant a few blocks down. Billie Joe graciously pulled out my chair for me as I slid into it, thanking him. He was nothing if not a gentleman, I would give him that. We both ordered a coffee and an orange juice and settled back in our respective chairs, with me picking at my fingernails and him looking out the window.
"So, uh, are you looking forward to heading home in a couple of days?" he asked, breaking the silence that settled over the small table.
I shrugged, staring into my coffee. "Yes and no. I like being overseas with you guys and Adrienne, but I miss my bed. And I kind of miss my job." I replied as he nodded and twirled his wedding band around his finger.
Our food arrived shortly after we ordered, and as I took a bite of my waffles I noticed him eyeing me from across the table.
"Why do you suppose we don't get along?" He questioned curiously, stabbing a forkful of scrambled eggs. "Never mind the fact we're both stubborn as fuck."
I smirked as I mulled over an appropriate way to answer him back for a moment.
"We've NEVER gotten along." I pointed out lamely. "I guess we just sort of got into the habit of simply tolerating one another for Adrienne's sake."
He nodded at me and then lowered his eyes back down to his plate. "It's kind of fucking pathetic, don't you think? I mean, I'm not going anywhere... you're not going anywhere. Don't you think it's time we learned to get past all of the bullshit and learn to find common ground beyond Adrienne?" he asked daringly, picking up his coffee mug and taking a sip.
I nodded in agreeance. "There has never been a doubt in my mind that you love my sister and my nephews... it's not that, but last year with all the bullshit going on... I just, I just found it easier to blame you." I replied honestly. "I hate that you're away all the time and I used to think you never saw what Adrienne and the kids go through, but lately I've tried to see things from your perspective too. I don't know... it's just a fucked up situation... but I need to be more open to the fact that my sister can be difficult too. I know that more than anyone else. And she chose to be with you, and she knew the lifestyle she was getting into." I said, as a small smile played on his lips as I continued, "Look, I'm sorry for being an asshole and for barging in on your business and for more often than not putting my bitch hat on, as you say, it's just an instinct for me sometimes. I want to protect my sister. But maybe I need to learn to only butt in sometimes."
He nodded and set his coffee cup back down. "And I want to apologize for ever making you feel unwelcome or unappreciated. You may not realize, but you're a very important part of your sister's life, therefore you're important to me too... I think you give her the sanity that I can't." He replied quietly. "And I understand your distaste for me sometimes... hell, I can't fucking stand myself most of the time either." He joked lightly. "I can be an asshole of the grandest kind."
I surprised myself by reaching across the table and taking his hand. "We're both in the wrong for different things... so let's start over, huh? And I mean REALLY try to play nicely with each other." I insisted, feeling a sense of happiness fill me at the prospect of finding a resolution with him. "We'll let bygones be bygones."
I could tell he was floored at my extension of peace, but he grinned and patted my hand that was closed around his. "Deal. But only if you promise to stop making jokes about my hair."
My mouth dropped open a little as I quickly retracted my hand and he chuckled. "Let's not put the cart before the horse." I joked back as he laughed harder and nodded. "Alright, alright."
I felt a cloud lift over our heads as we sat and ate the rest of our meal, chatting a bit about sports and different things. Neither of us tried to be over the top and fill each moment with conversation, but I felt that Billie Joe and I making a pact to start over was a reason to smile and to feel good; we were working towards making amends, something we should have tried to do years ago. But I'm a big believer in things happening for a reason... maybe it was only supposed to happen now because of the events that brought us here. Either way, I was happy to sit peacefully across from my brother-in-law, someone I never saw eye to eye with, and finish my breakfast.
Later on at the venue I was walking towards the bathroom when I felt two of my favorite arms wrap around me and pull me down an adjoined hallway. I sighed in contentment when I felt Tre's hips press mine against the wall, his lips claiming mine instantaneously. I gripped his waist as his palms pressed into the cool wall behind me, blocking me between him and the wall. I giggled when he started playfully nibbling on my neck, but he quickly jerked his head up to look towards the main hallway.
"Shhh." He whispered, nervously.
"No one's around." I promised, leaning back in for a kiss.
At that exact moment we heard the sound of high heels clicking across the floor, coming closer with each step.
"Sidney." We muttered in unison, breaking apart and quickly separating as she glanced down the adjoining hall at us.
"Hey!" She chirped happily, making her way over to me and throwing an arm around my waist. "Do you think you could help me find a great club to reserve for my birthday?"
I nodded and threw an apologetic look over my shoulder at Tre, who shrugged, as she led me back towards the lounge. "I forgot your birthday is coming up." I mumbled uselessly.
She nodded. "I'm looking to make this a large celebration, spare no expensive." She replied, gesturing wildly with her hands as she hauled out her laptop and turned it on.
We sat for awhile looking through clubs on the internet that she was interested in, and I was wondering what purpose I served in all of this when she suddenly looked up at me through her painted eyes and said, "I think Mike is sick of me."
I glanced nervously over at her, feeling like I was under interrogation as she regarded my reaction slowly.
"I don't want to be put in the middle." I said, holding my hands up as if surrendering. "You should talk to Mike if you feel that way."
She sighed, ignoring my request. "He hasn't said anything to you?"
"Sidney... " I started but she cut me off.
"Just level with me, kid, is he going to break up with me?" she asked quietly, her chin quivering a little as she stared at me.
My defenses crumbled as I softened at her anxiety and patted her leg reassuringly. "He just hates that you guys have such different schedules, that's all."
Her eyes still looked a little sad so I added, "If you've been making it work for this long why can't it continue to work? Just try and call him more... he needs some stability in his life." I said as she grinned a little.
"Thanks Ava, I guess I needed some reassurance from you... he seems to talk to you the most."
I eyed her carefully. "Mike has been through a lot of shit with women in the past... remember that." I added as she nodded and pointed to something on her computer screen.
"I like this club... think we could get it for two weeks from tomorrow?" she asked as she hauled out her cell phone. And before I could answer she said confidently, "I'll make it work."
I watched her get up and pace around the room as she talked to several different people before being connection to who I assumed was the owner. She bargained and negotiated, surprisingly not having to raise her voice more than a few times. I heard her painful gooey gushing as she thanked him and then hung up, plopping back down on the couch next to me.
"Piece of fucking cake." She mumbled, letting her eye flutter closed as she crossed her stiletto heeled feet up on the coffee table in front of us.
"Are you inviting colleagues to your party?" I asked.
She nodded. "Yeah, I'm expecting almost 300 people." She muttered lazily.
I nodded. "Sounds impressive."
She ignored my compliment. "How did you and Mike get to be so close?" she asked instead and still with her eyes closed.
I regarded her silently for a moment.
"Umm, well, when I was growing up Mike and I just seemed to get along. He never treated me like I was 8 years younger than he was... he always treated me like an equal and I appreciated that. And I don't know... we always kept in touch when I moved to Paris by email, updating each other on stuff. And then when I moved back I started seeing him more and more as I started seeing Adrienne more and more. You must have realized by now that Mike and Billie Joe are a package deal." I said, shrugging even though she couldn't see it. "He's just always been like my big brother I guess. I trust him."
She shifted a little and glanced over at me, shoving my knee with her hand.
"And what about Tre? What was he like growing up with?" She asked, not bothering to hide her curiosity.
I couldn't help but grin. "Tre was like a big kid growing up... he always took me to concerts and bought me CD's. He was like a big playmate I guess." I said simply, shrugging to show my nonchalance.
I saw her grin from the corner of my eye as I concentrated on an article in my magazine.
"Did you ever have a crush on him growing up?" She pressed, again not bothering to keep the obvious interest out of her voice.
"I thought he was cute when I was younger... like when I was 18... but he was also married for quite a few of the earlier years that I've known him." I reminded her as she kind of chuckled.
"He isn't married now." She replied, winking at me before standing up. "Anyway, thanks for your help Ava dear. And I expect to see you on July 23rd." She reminded, pointing the end of her cell phone antenna at me as she headed for the door. "Oh, and bring a date. Maybe Tre?" She quickly threw out before giggling and exiting the room.
I exhaled nervously. "Nosy bitch." I muttered playfully under my breath before wondering if maybe I was wearing a sign that confessed how I was feeling towards a particular drummer lately. Or maybe it had just been this way all along and I hadn't bothered to stop and look.
I was still flipping through my magazine awhile later, enjoying the peace when I heard the sound of a muffled cell phone ringing. I glanced around and realized it was coming from Adrienne's bag on the table next to me. I clamored to my feet and dug around quickly for the cell phone that was playing the theme song to 'I Dream of Jeannie'. I glanced at the caller ID; never thinking twice about picking it up, seeing that it said Dr. Roberts, our family physician.
"Hello?"
"Hello Mrs. Armstrong, this is Dr. Roberts." A chipper voice greeted me from the other end.
"No, this is.." I started, trying to explain that I was just answering my sister's cell phone, suddenly remembering that we sounded almost identical on the phone. Sometimes our own mother had trouble telling us apart.
But the man didn't seem to hear me. "We have your test results back." He said softly, the tone of his voice and the regret that seemed to float to my end of the phone was enough to make me not only close my mouth, but to sink down onto one of the big couches in fear; I wasn't even aware she had tests done recently.
"Umm, okay. And?" I asked, gripping the side of the couch and praying that it was just a virus or something. She had been looking rather tired and run down lately... oh please God, let it be a virus.
"This is a rather delicate situation we have on our own hands, you see. We, um, we found a tumor on your ovary. It's benign, which means it's not cancerous Mrs. Armstrong, but it will have to be removed. We would like you to come in as soon as possible to discuss further treatments." The doctor said in a straightforward manner, which seemed to numb my brain even more.
I forgot for a moment that I had to respond and that I had been mistaken for Adrienne. "What could happen to her... to me." I stuttered, trying to correct myself.
The doctor cleared his throat. "Well, like I said we would like you to come in to discuss treatment options... and we will have to run some more tests. But I think surgery would be your best bet, we need to get this out of your body." He answered patiently.
I paused for a moment, letting my mind reel at all of this new information. Why the hell hadn't she said something about all of this? I didn't even know anything was wrong with her.
I cleared my throat and tried to think logically. "Well, I'm out of the country until the end of next week but when I get back I'll have her... I mean, I'll call you and we can set something up." I murmured, feeling my stomach twist into tiny knots.
"That would be fine, Mrs. Armstrong, just continue to take the pain medication I have prescribed if you feel any discomfort. And call me as SOON as possible." He stressed and then he wished me a good day and hung up.
I let her cell phone drop from my hands on to the table as I stared at the floor. I didn't understand... why hadn't she said anything? I was pretty sure Billie Joe didn't know, he never let on that anything was wrong; he was just always concerned that she was tired.
I fought the tears as I continued to sit on the couch, wrapping my arms around myself. I was angry at her for not telling me, but I was angrier at the fact that this was happening to my sister and she had chosen to go at this alone. A tumor? Hearing that it is benign made me feel a little better, and I kept trying to tell myself that we had good doctors, Billie Joe saw to that. I didn't want to think of the worst case scenario but I couldn't help but wonder if she could die... and that was something I couldn't bear.
That night at the venue after the guys took the stage I watched in annoyance as my sister fluttered around, talking to herself and trying to organize something in her Blackberry. I sat on a chair in the backstage area and watched as Joey and Jakob played an impromptu game of golf that involved a rolled up piece of paper as the ball and two large wooden rulers as the putters, giggling as they gave up on trying to hit the paper ball and instead took to swatting one another.
"Alright, break it up you two hoodlums." I said as Joey whacked Jakob fairly hard on the tush.
Adrienne, still messing around with the electronic organizer in her hand, never looked up as the kids began bickering back and forth. Luckily, the boys bickered themselves into an agreement to play Xbox in lounge just down the hall. After a few minutes of silence and my intense staring she brought her head up and looked around, confusion running across her face.
"Where did the boys go?" she asked curiously.
"Oh, I sent them to run around the venue with sharp objects in their hands." I muttered sarcastically as she raised her eyebrows. "Xbox." I simply muttered as she nodded and turned her attention back to her Blackberry.
My anger and frustration and hurt came pouring out of me in a single moment when I walked the short distance between us and ripped the device out of her hand.
"How could you not tell me?" I demanded, realizing in the back of my mind what a fucking hypocrite I was being. She wasn't the only one harboring a secret... but at least mine didn't involved life or death.
She looked at me as though I was mental as she sat rigidly in her chair.
"I, uh, I didn't think you would care if I went ahead and booked the KC Reception Hall for mom and dad's anniversary. I mean, I know it's in September but we really should get a move on things." She replied, cautiously, trying to grab her organizer out of my hand. "We could always reserve the English Hills Country Club if you're more comfortable with that."
I shook my head vigorously. "I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about your doctor's appointments."
Her face visibly paled as she sat in shock. "Ava, what?" I... "
"How could you not tell ME?" I demanded. "Does Billie Joe know?"
I watched as her eyes dropped away from my gaze as she shook her head. "No one knows." She whispered.
I stood in front of her, wanting to grab her shoulders to shake her, to yell at her for not telling any of us, but I didn't. I simply sat down next to her and pulled her in for a hug. I felt her head drop on to my shoulder as she sniffled. "Ava, I'm scared."
I nodded wordlessly and realized that I was going to have to be the one to tell her the news, God I was glad I wasn't a doctor; I could never deliver people's fate to them over a telephone or in person day after day. It would break my heart every time.
"I'm sorry for yelling at you... I just... it came out of nowhere." I admitted, holding her close as we sat quietly for a moment listening to Billie Joe trying to pick out members of the audience for a band onstage, his favorite part of the show. "I knew something was going on, but I didn't think it was anything like this."
"How did you find out?" she whimpered into my shoulder.
I sighed. "Your cell rang while I was in the lounge, and we've always told each other to answer the other's phone if we weren't around... and well, you weren't around." I muttered lamely, before continuing, "Dr. Roberts said they found a tumor on your ovary."
I felt her body tense against mine as the words lingered in the air, clashing against the sound of Billie Joe's out on stage. "But it's not cancerous." I rushed on; wanting to give her some comfort, hoping those words would soothe her a little. "He, uh, he wants you to come in for some more tests and to talk about your options."
She sniffled a little and I tried to imagine what it would be like to know there was something so foreign in your body, something that demanded such attention.
"I won't be able to have any more babies?" She said shakily as I heard a small sob escape her throat. I pulled her closer to me as a member of the tech crew walked by with a concerned look on his face. I waved him on as I smoothed her hair.
"He said they would probably have to do surgery... but Adrienne, it is possible to get pregnant with just one ovary." I assured her but I don't think she heard me. I felt her tears soak my shirt as she finally broke down and cried. I held her, rocking back and forth in a slow motion, as all the moments of confusion and feeling alone poured out. We sat like that for awhile, her sobs dying away and masked by her sniffles as she sat up and fumbled in her purse for a tissue.
"I don't want the boys to see me cry." She explained, glancing around as though she was in embarrassed.
I rubbed her back as she sat miserably slumped in her chair. "I felt a lump about two months ago." She said, glancing over at me. "I've been in for a couple tests with Dr. Roberts... .I just... I didn't want you guys to worry."
I shook my head. "But we want to be here for you, Adrienne. You would be fucking PISSED if something like that was going on with me and I didn't tell you." I mumbled as she grinned a little.
"You're right. I'm sorry." She said reaching over to pat my leg.
"You need to tell Billie Joe... he's going to be pissed as hell that you didn't tell him, but he would want to know. He's your husband, he DESERVES to know."
She nodded. "I just didn't want the boys to worry... and there's so much shit going on... I'll tell him when the tour is over and when we're all home." That seemed to be a popular idea around here lately.
I pulled her against me once more for good measure. "I want to go with you when you get your tests done. You shouldn't have to go through this alone... we're all here for you." I mumbled into her hair as the boys came scampering down the hallway towards us.
Adrienne quickly sat upright and brushed at her teary eyes.
Jakob skid to a full stop in front of her, his brown eyes full of confusion.
"What's wrong mommy?" He asked, leaning against her knees as she shook her head.
"Nothing, kiddo, aunt Ava just told me a funny story. You know how mommy likes to laugh." She explained, but I could tell her oldest son wasn't convinced.
"I'm hungry." Joey whined, eyeing his mother carefully from behind Jakob.
"Okay, let's go grab something to eat." Adrienne said, sounding a little glad for some normalcy, a distraction. "Coming?" she asked, once she was standing, holding both of her son's hands.
I shook my head. "I'm good." I replied as she nodded in understanding.
"We'll see you back at the hotel."
I watched my only sister walked away with my nephews hanging off of her like monkeys as they made their way back towards the lounge. It made me sad to think of what the months ahead would bring, but I vowed to stick by her through all of it.
My last remaining days with the guys went by in a blur. I think Tre sensed a change in me, but I didn't say anything to make him think otherwise when he chalked it up to me being sad because I had to leave him. That was true too. I felt a little anxiety over my promise to tell Adrienne about Tre and I now that I knew she was sick, but I did want to be with him so I needed to find a right time and place to talk with her about all of this. I wish I could have talked to Mike about everything but I had sworn on our mother's grave not to mention anything to anyone. And she was right; it was her place to tell Billie Joe and our parents.
Our mother and father were going to flip when they found out, but I knew we would all make it through; Adrienne and I didn't get our strength from anywhere strange, we were taught to be strong by our parents.
Adrienne and I had had actually been discussing plans since I arrived for their upcoming anniversary in September. They would be celebrating 35 years together and we thought it would be appropriate to throw them a big surprise party back home amongst their close friends and our family. That was set to take place on Friday, September 16th because the guys just happened to be playing a show that night in Minneapolis, and because Adrienne wanted the guys to be there to help them celebrate, we thought that would be perfect. But right now that party was moved back on the list of priorities, her health and healing became priority one.
On my last night with the guys I began the long process of sorting and packing my things. Tre sat perched on my bed watching a movie on TV, shooting me exasperated looks every time I would have to walk in front of his line of vision to grab something.
"Jesus, you act like you haven't seen this movie a hundred times." I teased as he glared at me and waved at me to move.
"I keep hoping the ending is going to change." He murmured as I giggled.
"Sweety, I'm sorry but I don't think Russell Crowe is ever NOT going to die."
I watched him close his eyes in mock disappointment before turning back to my packing duties. I was in the middle of trying to figure out how I shut my suitcase in the first place, which always seemed to be my problem, when Tre extended his leg and shoved my entire suitcase off my bed with one kick of his foot. I placed my hands on my hips and tried to shoot him a glare but he looked so funny pretending to be innocent.
"Oh no, I have shoved all your clothes on the floor. Guess this means you have to stay." He said, shrugging his shoulders and grinning at me.
I shrugged back at him. "No, it just means I get to spend less time making your toes curl because I have to pack everything again instead."
The desperate look he gave me made me want to laugh as he launched forward and began grabbing shirts and pants off the floor and placing them back on the bed. I laughed at his antics, leaning forward to kneel on my bed amongst all my clothes as he also leaned towards me, cupping my face with his hands as we kissed. Before long he had me pinned me underneath him as we continued to kiss and cuddle. Things were moving forward in a satisfying manner when I heard my cell phone ring from somewhere beneath the depths of my clothes.
"Ignore it." He mumbled against my neck as I began digging through some shirts with one arm. I giggled when he grabbed for my arm, but as he moved I managed to slither out from underneath his warm body, locating my cell phone. I felt him kneel behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist.
"Who is it?" he murmured against my ear, sending shivers down my spine.
My breath hitched in my throat when I realized it was Ian that was calling. Tre read the name the same time I did because he tensed a little.
"You going to answer it?" he questioned, his voice wavering in annoyance.
I shrugged. "I guess. I don't know what he could want." I offered as an excuse, turning to look at him as I flipped open my cell phone.
"Hello?" I asked as Tre released his grip on my waist. I grabbed for him but he climbed off the bed and made his way towards the bathroom.
"Ava, hey." Ian mumbled into the phone. "You sound so far away."
I felt guilty all over again, never really bothering to level with him and explain my situation with Tre, but I had a feeling he also knew things weren't going to pan out. Regardless, I still felt bad that I had never really given him a chance, but he really was a great guy; he would find someone to make him happy.
I laughed politely. "I feel like I've been away forever... how is everything back home?"
"Good, real good." He answered. There was a brief moment of silence and I was wondering why he had called out of the blue, especially when I would be home the following evening.
I think he quickly realized this because he rushed on to explain. "I called to let you know that I'm going to visit some family in Oregon for about two weeks... I, uh, wasn't sure if you wanted me to pick you up from the airport and I didn't want to leave you hanging if you wanted a ride."
I smiled. "That's sweet Ian, I appreciate you calling but I'm more than happy to call a cab, that's fine. Go and have fun with your family, I know how you miss them." I assured him, hoping despite our circumstances that maybe in the end we could still be friends... he really was sweet.
I heard the toilet flush as Tre emerged from the bathroom, leaning against the doorway of the bedroom, his expression unreadable.
"Oh okay then. Well, I'm sure we can talk more about your trip later. I, um, I just wanted to call to tell you that I miss you and that I hope you have a safe flight." He mumbled, and I could almost see him running his hands through his hair in a nervous habit.
"You too, Ian. Travel safely." I replied, saying goodbye as we hung up.
I threw my cell phone back on top of my clothes and held my arms out to Tre.
"Come here."
He hesitated for a moment before ambling towards me and sitting down on the edge of the bed. I crawled towards him and wrapped my arms around him from the back as he sat hunched forward.
"What did he want?" he asked quietly.
"He's leaving to visit his family in Oregon and he wanted to make sure I had made proper arrangements to get home I guess." I explained nonchalantly, kissing the back of his neck as he nodded.
"You miss him?"
I laid my head against his back and sighed. "I hope that he and I can be friends because he's a really great guy... but Tre, it's you I want." I replied confidently. "I want you and I to work, not me and Ian."
I felt his hands grasp mine, which were still wrapped around his mid section.
"I want that too." He replied quietly, twisting around and placing a hand on the bed. "I just don't want anything to get in the way of us. I've waited too long to be with you... Adrienne is the only acceptable barrier at this point." He joked as he leaned in to kiss me. "And I think that will be a big enough."
I giggled against his lips as he maneuvered to pin me underneath him once again.
"Now where were we?" He teased as I wrapped my legs around his waist and pulled him closer against me. "Oh yeah, I think I remember now... "
