You're My Little Secret, chapter 18
Two days after Mike's visit I took the afternoon off of work in pursuit of making amends with Ian. I stood outside the radio station that he worked at and tried to psyche myself up mentally, hoping that he would forgive me for ditching him... Now, on more than one occasion.
I walked through the main entrance and greeted the lady at the receptionist desk, and because I had never here before, asked her which floor I could find Ian on. As I rode up to the fifth floor I began to get nervous; I knew he had every right to slam the door in my face, which was something I needed to accept.
I stepped off the elevator and walked down a hallway, glass rooms surrounding me on each side. I didn't see him at first and I was about to get back on the elevator when I saw him at the end of the hall leaning against a coffee machine, his ankles crossed, looking rather at ease as he read over a piece of paper in his hands. I walked up slowly behind him and gently tapped him on the shoulder.
His look of surprise quickly turned to that of an unwelcoming one as he looked back down at his paper.
"Hi." I said quietly, taking a step back and jamming my hands in my pockets. "I thought it was my turn to come visit you at work." I tried to keep my tone light, but it came out strangled... And that line definitely sounded better in my head.
He mumbled some sort of greeting as he poured himself a cup of coffee and turned to walk away from me without a word. I momentarily panicked but recovered, maybe this was the equivalent to him slamming the door in my face. I was prepared for something like this, and I was willing to work for his forgiveness.
"I came by to talk to you... About a lot of stuff." I muttered to the back of his retreating suit coat as I followed him back down the hallway I had just come from. He waved to a man that passed us, "Hey Jim, will you tell Karen I need her to send out a memo about Leah reading the weather reports on the weekends... People aren't really in the know yet." Ian requested as his colleague nodded. "Right away."
I continued following him, feeling rather uninvited but not really expecting to feel otherwise. "I hope you don't mind me stopping by. Will your boss care?" I asked, remembering suddenly Ian's visit to my work.
"No." He mumbled as we rounded a corner. We walked past a friendly young woman at a desk who damn near fell out of her chair cooing, "Ian, you have a call on line one." I smiled at her apparent adoration for him. He looked over and handed her a piece of paper, his voice steady, "Hold my calls, Jessica." She nodded furiously and shot me a confused yet territorial, 'bitch, step off' sort of look as I passed by her.
He pushed open a door to an office, his office apparently. I stood outside in the hallway, trying to decide whether to wait for an invitation or to be aggress and just barge right in. I decided to wait; I wasn't much for being rude. I watched him set his coffee down and move a stack of papers off a chair that sat on the other side of his cluttered desk. He turned around and for the first time actually looked at me, it nearly took my breath away. He looked rather angry, something I hadn't ever seen from him.
"You can sit." He motioned with his hand as I stepped inside the office and shut his door for privacy.
I cautiously sat down as he moved around the small office, straightening and picking up random papers. "I guess I never realized how established you were." I said quietly as he finally settled down in the seat across from me.
He nodded a little. "I've been here a long time. It's about damn time they put me in charge of productions."
"Congratulations." I replied genuinely as he looked back down at his desk.
"So what do you want?" He asked, bringing his head back up and shooting me a less than friendly glare.
I shifted in my chair a little, feeling uncomfortable as I cleared my throat. "I came to apologize for... "
"I don't need an apology." He muttered running his hands through his hair. "I don't need you to tell me you're sorry."
I was so confused that I just sat there for a moment. "Ian, I... "
He held up his hand, cutting me off once more. "I shouldn't have just shown up at that party, your sister's invitation aside. You and I were sort of on the outs before you left and I was wrong to just show up without checking with you first." He replied, looking rather embarrassed.
I was floored. "Oh God Ian, I'm not mad that you showed up." I managed to get out as I felt my chest close up. There was so much I needed to say to him and I felt like there wasn't enough time. "I'm the asshole here."
He looked up with an amused expression. "I could never think you're an asshole." He quietly replied. "You're amazing."
My jaw must have hit the floor at that point. I stood up out of my chair and paced behind it in desperation. "How could you think I'm amazing after all of the horrible shit I put you through? You should fucking hate my guts. Your behavior when I first arrived was right on, Ian. You should call me names and tell me I'm selfish and a liar and... " And then he was out of his chair, coming around to lean on the front of the desk.
"Ava, what are you talking about? I was angry at myself, so much so that I couldn't stand to be in your presence a few minutes ago. First, the dinner with my wretched mother..." He trailed off as a miserable expression crossed his face. "Jesus, that will haunt me until I'm like sixty."
I chuckled a little as he continued, "And then the awkward car ride to the airport... And the awkward phone conversation. And then me just showing up out of the blue at your friend's party. Just a lot of shitty moments right in a row." He finished, looking down at his feet.
I walked over and grabbed one of his hands and squeezed it. "First of all, I blame my sister for calling you and luring you to one of our twisted charades under false pretenses." He smiled a little as I continued, "And second, while the dinner with your mother was wretched it didn't make me hate you. I resented you, yes, but that isn't the real reason I pushed you away." I admitted quietly as I dropped his hand and began pacing back and forth again. "Or I guess I should say I never really gave you much of a chance."
Ian's face shown with confusion as he watched me pace in front of him. "I guess I don't understand, Ava."
And here it was, an opportunity to be honest and explain everything. "Tre." I said simply as the confusion on his face cleared up a little and disappointment took it's place. "The guy at the bar?"
I nodded. "Yeah, the rude one that accosted you and tried to make you feel like shit, when in fact he was really trying to get back at me." I could feel myself start to ramble so I paused a moment and tried to gather my thoughts.
"Tre and I had been, uh, seeing each other I guess you could say since last October." Ian's face fell a little and I wished desperately that I could say something to make it better, but I had a feeling it was going to get worse for him before it got better.
"We had been sneaking around behind Adrienne's back since then. Well, actually everyone's back, no one knew we were sleeping together. And that's why everything went awry." I began the inevitable rambling that always happened when I needed to explain so much and only felt I had little time to do so. After all I was taking up his work day. Ian sat there and looked at me in a mixture of shock and amazement; it occurred to me that he had never heard me go off before. "You see, I've sort of had a thing for Tre most of my adult life. Now you have to realize my sister met Billie Joe when I was ten so I've had these three men in my life ever since I can remember, I love them dearly... And when Adrienne married him it was like not only did I acquire Billie but I got Tre and Mike as brothers too. Only problem was when I got older I stopped seeing Tre as a brother and more as this unobtainable crush that seemed to constantly follow me around. However, he also happened to be married for most of the years I've known him. So only recently, and by recently I mean the past two years, has he been unattached and more of a problem than ever."
I glanced over to see if Ian's eyes had glazed over with boredom but he looked beyond curious. "And?" He said, encouraging me to keep going.
I took a deep breath and licked my lips. "And we've always flirted. He flirts with everything that moves, actually. But last summer things got a little intense between us, there was a moment in the hot tub... " I glanced up in embarrassment when I realized what I was saying. "Nevermind!" I muttered, waving away my words with my hands.
"I can fill in the blanks." He muttered, a little resentment coming through.
I nodded and took another breath. "After that things with my sister kind of got crazy, her and Billie Joe took a break, I was on the outs with Jack, my long time boyfriend. Remember I spoke of him?" I asked quickly as he nodded. "So I took off to New York City for the summer to try and hold together some sort of relationship with him, what a fucking waste of time, I mean come on... " I felt myself starting to speak faster and faster.
"Ava!" I looked up as Ian playfully smiled, cutting off my rant.
"Focus hun, Tre. You're talking about Tre." He said simply as I nodded and ran my hands through my hair.
"Umm ok, so when I came back from New York I was kind of moping around for awhile, I had two more semesters of college to go, blah blah blah. So the weekend of Halloween I flew out to be with the guys and we went to a party... One thing led to another and Tre and I slept together for the first time. After that we started sneaking around and I had convinced myself by December that it was only sex and Adrienne didn't need to know. And plus, she had made me promise awhile back that I would never get involved with a musician or any sort of man who had to travel more than he was home because she wanted me to have a better life than her, basically she has a lot of issues with that kind of thing... Umm, so that tore at my mind. And gradually I began to, um, fall for him and consistently and very effectively, might I add, also managed to convince myself that I felt nothing for him and it was all for the sex."
I paused for a moment as he cringed at the last part and I felt my heart tug. "I'm sorry... I just want to tell you the truth, I want to tell you EVERYTHING. Everything I couldn't tell you when we were together because I was so fucking confused and turned around in my own mind." I said quietly as he nodded and crossed his arms over his chest.
"I'm glad you're telling me all of this, Ava. It's just kind of hard... You know, I care about you."
I nodded and stepped closer to touch his forearm. "I care about you too, Ian. None of what I ever said to you was a lie. That month we spent together was amazing... YOU are amazing. I just think the disaster with your mom was like a sign, it sort of pointed out that we weren't meant to be." I explained as he nodded a little regretfully, a pained smile finding it's way across his lips. "So in a way my mother drove you back to him?" He asked.
I tilted my head to the side and looked into his soulful eyes. "That's a poor way of looking at it." I mumbled as he chuckled. "But I guess so... It made me realize how important he was in my life. It made me appreciate things I hadn't appreciated in awhile."
I saw him nod. "Go on with your story." He said reaching his arm around the desk to grab for his coffee.
"Well, as time went on we started getting restless with one another, he knew how he felt and he was a lot braver than I was about admitting it. You know, admitting something makes it real... And I couldn't face that I've been lying to my sister for so long. So we kind of had a falling out about a week before I met you. You came spiraling into my life at a really weird time... " I trailed off as he smiled a little and ran his fingers around the rim of his coffee cup. "But I'm glad you did, all the same." I finished with a smile.
"And then when you went overseas at the end of June you reunited and all of that stuff?" he asked quietly.
I nodded a little. It seemed like it had been forever ago now. And without sounding like a bad teen movie; it seemed rather bittersweet.
I shook myself out of my thoughts to see Ian watching me closely.
"So what happened?" He inquired, patting the bare spot on the front of the desk next to him. I gratefully walked the few steps to where he was leaning and joined him. "I found out my sister has a tumor on her ovary... She's having surgery on August 27th to have it removed." I replied as he frowned and reached over to put a hand on my shoulder.
"I'm sorry to hear that, I didn't know." And in that instant I remembered why I had warmed to him immediately, he really was a genuine and kind person.
"Thank you, I'm confident she'll pull through just fine." I replied, smiling over at him. "So anyway, Tre and I got closer again and for some reason something finally clicked with us this time, well, for me mostly I guess... I finally opened my eyes I guess you could say. So we agreed that we were going to be honest this time around... And before I could tell Adrienne what was going on, not that I was in a hurry to, the whole party debacle happened and I ended up telling her about it in the parking lot after I chased after Tre and she chased after me." I paused for a moment as the memory of her walking away from me surfaced, I could still see the disappointment radiating from her. "And we haven't talked since."
He looked over at me sympathetically. "She'll come around Ava, if she's anything like you she just needs some time to blow off steam and work through it on her own terms. I know you'll be together in the end..." He trailed off in the end and I wondered if he was talking about my sister or Tre.
"I just want some peace and quiet for awhile." I admitted.
Ian frowned. "You've had quite a summer." He mumbled as I looked over and smiled a little.
"I know... I almost wish I were taking classes. I would love to distract myself with some mind numbing Sociology or something." I replied as he chuckled.
"Jesus, I wouldn't wish that on my sworn enemy." He joked.
There was a small silence that loomed between us as he sipped his coffee and as I tried once again to piece together a way to express my apologies for the way I had treated him, but he didn't really seem interested in hearing it.
"I know what you're trying to do, Ava." Ian said suddenly, shaking me from my thoughts. "I know you're trying to come up with some way to apologize or explain why you and I didn't work without hurting my feelings."
I stared at him as he spoke and found that I was only able to nod as he continued, "But don't you see? You don't have to. What you just told me today... It makes sense to me. Yeah, I'm disappointed but the way you light up when you're talking about him... Or even at that party, I felt the pull between you two. It's incredible. And I'm happy for you, really." He said as I continued to stare at him. I almost wanted to cry because this wonderfully amazing man sitting next to me made me feel absolutely nothing for him... I guess the universe really is mad. Either that or I was fucked up. Probably both.
"Ian... I just... You're... " And I honestly had nothing. Once again I couldn't convey to him all that I wanted to say, or how much I wanted to thank him for understanding. He simply smiled at me, and I think he knew as he leaned over and pulled me into a hug.
"Thank you for an incredible couple of months." He whispered into my ear as I laid my head down on his shoulder and sighed. "You renewed my faith in women again."
I thought it was quite ironic that I had metaphorically ended up in another guy's arms and he still was thankful for having me in his life. "You're not breaking up with me... Are you?" I muttered into his jacket as I felt him laugh.
"No, I'm not breaking up with you. I still expect you to come see Eric's band play. And I want you to come hang out and listen to music... And there's this new coffee place I want to take you to." He said, determination in his voice as he continued to hug me close.
I smiled in appreciation and wondered when someone perfect was going to come along and sweep him off his feet. He was still young, granted, but I knew he was going to make someone extremely happy one of these days.
I pulled back, suddenly remembering something else. I leaned over and picked my purse off the floor.
"I have something for you... Sort of a peace offering, you know, please be my friend again sort of a thing." I said as he chuckled.
"What'dya get me?" He asked trying to peer into my bag.
I swatted at his prying hand as he chuckled and I rooted around for the desired item. He looked confused as I held up an unmarked envelope.
"This is for being such a great person... And for putting up with my mood swings and my unforgivable craziness. It's a family trait."
He laughed as I pushed the envelope into his hands. I watched as he carefully tore open the envelope and then watched as his eyes almost popped out of his head.
"DASHBOARD TICKETS!" He yelled in amazement, grabbing the two tickets and holding them closely, as if he had just found the golden ticket like Charlie had.
I laughed when he leaned over and pulled me in for a rib shattering hug. "HOLY FUCK!" He exclaimed, pulling away quickly to look at the tickets again.
"The concert is in October and there are two tickets there... Take whoever you want." And then leaning in closer I whispered, "Maybe take your assistant, Jessica. She's definitely digging you with a large, angular shovel."
His face colored a little more, which I thought would be impossible considering it was entirely red from all of his excitement.
"Really?" he whispered back. God he was so cute.
I nodded earnestly. "She likes Dashboard, right? And even if she doesn't who would say no?" I asked as he shook his head, as though he was sobering from all of his excitement suddenly.
"I want to take you." He said with determination, his brown eyes smiling.
I shook my head. "No, take Eric or whoever you want... I got these for you. AND if you look closely, you'll see a couple of backstage passes in there for you too. I thought you might like to meet the band."
I giggled when he brought me in for another quick hug and then proceeded to do a small dance around his office. "This is unbelievable!" He yelled and I suspected his colleagues were now officially alarmed and probably rather intrigued as to what was happening in his office.
He was starting to sing a song of theirs when he turned to me again. "No Ava, I want to take you. You'll go with me, right?" He inquired as I smiled. How could I say no? He was so excited.
"Of course I will. I would love to spend an evening with you and Dashboard."
He grinned and settled next to me on the desk again, still clutching the tickets. I suspected he would probably be falling asleep with those under his pillow tonight... Either that or he would lock them in a safe, one of the two.
"Great... Let's think of this outing as a tribute to the new beginning of us. A more platonic us." He added as I smiled.
"I would love that." I replied as he nudged his shoulder against mine.
"Me too, Ava. Me too."
I walked a little lighter as I left Ian's building. I was glad that he had forgiven me and that we could make amends. I'm sure the Dashboard tickets helped the healing process a little, but all the same I was glad I had finally addressed this issue with him, something that had been plaguing my mind. But not as much as Tre had been.
It wasn't that Tre didn't mean as much to me as Ian, and that's why I didn't go to him first, that wasn't the case at all. But I found it easier to sit down and chat with someone who I cared for deeply as a friend, rather than trying to piece together a speech to share with someone I had been in love with for almost seven years. I smiled to myself as I slid into my car, realizing that it was in Paris that I first fell for him. I was only eighteen then but I knew what I wanted. Him. It had always been out about him.
I drove back to my apartment with the windows down, enjoying the sunshine and humming along to the radio. I knew the guys were leaving for tour at the end of the week and I was running out of time if I wanted to clear the air before Tre took off again.
When I arrived home I noticed my answering machine was blinking, sending a feeling of dread hurling into the pit of my stomach. I knew eventually my mother was going to call either Adrienne or I, catch wind of us not getting along, and throw a holy fit. We would both hear a lecture on the blessings of having siblings and how no matter happened in our lives family always came first, to hell with petty fights. And then mom would catch wind of Tre and I... And who knows what she would do then.
I sat on my couch for a moment and tried to remember ever having a conversation regarding my parent's thoughts on Tre. My dad always seemed to be Switzerland as far as people were concerned; he always remained neutral and for the most part tolerant of others. My mother on the other hand always had a very cut and dry opinion. In the beginning she had a hard time adjusting to my sister's lifestyle, Billie Joe namely. He was a lot for her to handle but eventually she warmed to his rebellious nature and welcomed him into the family. And my mother all but adopted Mike when she first met him, she thought he was simply the nicest guy on the planet, and occasionally would give me gentle shoves in his direction. This always amused Mike and me because we never once felt an ounce of attraction or desire for one another.
But I couldn't remember a whole lot about what she thought of Tre. One Thanksgiving the guys were over and he helped her make dinner, which surprised all of us because he was about as responsible as Frankito sometimes. But they had stayed in the kitchen together for most of the morning, talking and cooking. And when I had gone into the kitchen to refill everyone's wine glasses I noticed a sparkle in my mother's eye that I had never seen before, it was like they shared a secret bond. I was only 17, just a few days shy of 18 and at that time I was itching to move to Paris. I remember catching Tre's eye as he leaned over and playfully fed me a piece of fudge. "Your mother is a very vibrant woman, no wonder her daughters are such hellions." He teased as I smiled. I took that as a compliment, my mother was a very strong woman and she taught us to be no different. But he continued, "You're going to make someone really happy one day, kid. I'm jealous of the man who gets to grow old with you... You're going to be a spunky little grandma who does 95 down the highway and listens to Guns N' Roses until the day you die."
I had giggled and hugged his side before I busied myself with filling up the empty wine glasses, but I had felt his eyes on me as I moved around the room. And when I looked up again I saw something that made my insides warm, I sensed that he saw a real glimpse of me. His big blue eyes fixed on mine, a secret smile playing on his lips as he turned his attention back to stirring the gravy. Maybe he felt something right then, but it wouldn't be until later that I would realize the magnitude of our connection. It wouldn't be until we were in Paris together, flirting and standing out on my apartment's starry lit balcony talking about politics and making each other laugh. I could still feel his warm breath on my neck as he leaned closer and told me that I was beautiful, that he had been watching me all night. I remember that I was wearing a red dress that had billowed around me as I walked and I could still feel his hands on my waist as he leaned in closer to whisper in my ear that he would always remember us this way... In Paris, happy.
Happy seemed a far cry from where we stood right now.
I sighed, ripping myself away from the memories of my balcony in Paris, it was just too easy to get caught up in all of that. I leaned over to listen to my messages; one was from my mom and the other from Mikey, just checking in. I would call them both back later.
I wandered into my bedroom to change into an old t-shirt and I was about to start dinner when I heard my phone ring. I walked over to the caller ID and damn near threw up a lung when I saw that it was Tre calling. I froze for a moment, debating whether or not to answer it... In the end I chickened out again. I sat perched on the couch by the answering machine waiting, NEEDING to hear his voice.
And then his unsure and desperately familiar voice filled the room. "Uhh, hey Ava, it's me. Tre. Cool. Aww fuck, I doubt you know any other guys by the name of Tre... Considering my name really isn't even Trey... I don't have a y at the end of my name." I giggled a little, he sounded a lot like me when I left messages. I rambled and delayed my reason for calling as long as possible out of habit. "So, umm, I see you're avoiding me and that's cool I guess. Except, umm, I need to talk to you. I want to talk to you. I've realized over the past week that the past couple of months have been kind of shitty for you, maybe I've been kind of shitty to you. And I want to make it right. I don't even know how you feel anymore... I just... I want you in my life. As a girlfriend, as a friend, as a pen pal... Anything. I can't stand to be without you."
I felt the tears start to well up as I hugged my knees close to my chest and sighed.
"Oh and by the way, I'm sitting outside your apartment in my car. I, uh, saw you get home but I was too much of a chicken shit to get out of my car... Or knock on your door... So if you want to talk to me I'll be here. For awhile. Think about it."
And then the machine hung up on him, ripping his familiarity away from me again.
I sat in the silence of my living room, my mind reeling as I tried to think of what to do. And no matter how I looked at it or how I twisted the scenarios I always came back to the same conclusion; it's either Tre or Adrienne, I couldn't have both. It seemed ridiculous but I knew if I walked outside right now and walked into his arms my sister would never forgive me. Those wounds would never heal. But if I didn't go outside could Tre ever forgive me? He was obviously putting himself on the line here... Could I really just sit back and let him slip through my fingers?
And as I sat there losing track of precious time I cried because I couldn't bring myself to do it, I couldn't get off the couch, even though all I wanted to do was hug him close and stay with him forever.
I couldn't choose him over Adrienne again. I refused.
And so I sat alone, stoic, until it was dark outside and until my body felt hollow from the emotions that I had been left to pour out. Hour after hour I sat on my couch, trying to distinguish whether or not I was doing the right thing. Nothing was logical anymore, I could only identify with the maddening thoughts that ran through my head.
I dragged myself off the couch finally, which proved to be difficult because the tingling sensation of my legs falling asleep from being cramped under my body for so long made me want to scream in agony. I doubt I had enough energy to even do that. But I still hated the feeling of a thousand needles being jammed into my legs as I tried to get my circulation going again. I rummaged through my freezer and found my old best friend tucked in the back.
Hello Vodka. I've had a tough night... Wanna cuddle?
Three shots later I was feeling a little better, a numbness migrating over my limbs, which was a welcomed sensation. I moved into my bedroom after that, but I found myself frozen in place staring at my bed in horror. I could almost see him lying under my covers with me, smiling and laughing as we tickled each other, those blue eyes beaming at me from behind his beautiful eyelashes. And damn it I could hear the passionate breathy sighs as we made love over and over again on Sunday mornings. I could hear him calling from the kitchen, asking me where I kept my peanut butter or yelling from the bathroom that we should conserve water by showering together if we wanted to be environmentally friendly.
He was going to haunt me forever.
I turned on my heel and headed towards the guestroom, at least I knew he wouldn't follow me in there. I laid down on the cold, hard bed and sighed, trying to convince myself that I had done the right thing. But in the end I just decided I was my own worst enemy. And a dumbass.
And finally when I couldn't stand not to say it out loud anymore, when I couldn't bear to have it inside of my fucked up brain, "I love you, Tre." I whispered to the plain white walls that surrounded me. "I love you and I'm sorry."
I walked through the main entrance and greeted the lady at the receptionist desk, and because I had never here before, asked her which floor I could find Ian on. As I rode up to the fifth floor I began to get nervous; I knew he had every right to slam the door in my face, which was something I needed to accept.
I stepped off the elevator and walked down a hallway, glass rooms surrounding me on each side. I didn't see him at first and I was about to get back on the elevator when I saw him at the end of the hall leaning against a coffee machine, his ankles crossed, looking rather at ease as he read over a piece of paper in his hands. I walked up slowly behind him and gently tapped him on the shoulder.
His look of surprise quickly turned to that of an unwelcoming one as he looked back down at his paper.
"Hi." I said quietly, taking a step back and jamming my hands in my pockets. "I thought it was my turn to come visit you at work." I tried to keep my tone light, but it came out strangled... And that line definitely sounded better in my head.
He mumbled some sort of greeting as he poured himself a cup of coffee and turned to walk away from me without a word. I momentarily panicked but recovered, maybe this was the equivalent to him slamming the door in my face. I was prepared for something like this, and I was willing to work for his forgiveness.
"I came by to talk to you... About a lot of stuff." I muttered to the back of his retreating suit coat as I followed him back down the hallway I had just come from. He waved to a man that passed us, "Hey Jim, will you tell Karen I need her to send out a memo about Leah reading the weather reports on the weekends... People aren't really in the know yet." Ian requested as his colleague nodded. "Right away."
I continued following him, feeling rather uninvited but not really expecting to feel otherwise. "I hope you don't mind me stopping by. Will your boss care?" I asked, remembering suddenly Ian's visit to my work.
"No." He mumbled as we rounded a corner. We walked past a friendly young woman at a desk who damn near fell out of her chair cooing, "Ian, you have a call on line one." I smiled at her apparent adoration for him. He looked over and handed her a piece of paper, his voice steady, "Hold my calls, Jessica." She nodded furiously and shot me a confused yet territorial, 'bitch, step off' sort of look as I passed by her.
He pushed open a door to an office, his office apparently. I stood outside in the hallway, trying to decide whether to wait for an invitation or to be aggress and just barge right in. I decided to wait; I wasn't much for being rude. I watched him set his coffee down and move a stack of papers off a chair that sat on the other side of his cluttered desk. He turned around and for the first time actually looked at me, it nearly took my breath away. He looked rather angry, something I hadn't ever seen from him.
"You can sit." He motioned with his hand as I stepped inside the office and shut his door for privacy.
I cautiously sat down as he moved around the small office, straightening and picking up random papers. "I guess I never realized how established you were." I said quietly as he finally settled down in the seat across from me.
He nodded a little. "I've been here a long time. It's about damn time they put me in charge of productions."
"Congratulations." I replied genuinely as he looked back down at his desk.
"So what do you want?" He asked, bringing his head back up and shooting me a less than friendly glare.
I shifted in my chair a little, feeling uncomfortable as I cleared my throat. "I came to apologize for... "
"I don't need an apology." He muttered running his hands through his hair. "I don't need you to tell me you're sorry."
I was so confused that I just sat there for a moment. "Ian, I... "
He held up his hand, cutting me off once more. "I shouldn't have just shown up at that party, your sister's invitation aside. You and I were sort of on the outs before you left and I was wrong to just show up without checking with you first." He replied, looking rather embarrassed.
I was floored. "Oh God Ian, I'm not mad that you showed up." I managed to get out as I felt my chest close up. There was so much I needed to say to him and I felt like there wasn't enough time. "I'm the asshole here."
He looked up with an amused expression. "I could never think you're an asshole." He quietly replied. "You're amazing."
My jaw must have hit the floor at that point. I stood up out of my chair and paced behind it in desperation. "How could you think I'm amazing after all of the horrible shit I put you through? You should fucking hate my guts. Your behavior when I first arrived was right on, Ian. You should call me names and tell me I'm selfish and a liar and... " And then he was out of his chair, coming around to lean on the front of the desk.
"Ava, what are you talking about? I was angry at myself, so much so that I couldn't stand to be in your presence a few minutes ago. First, the dinner with my wretched mother..." He trailed off as a miserable expression crossed his face. "Jesus, that will haunt me until I'm like sixty."
I chuckled a little as he continued, "And then the awkward car ride to the airport... And the awkward phone conversation. And then me just showing up out of the blue at your friend's party. Just a lot of shitty moments right in a row." He finished, looking down at his feet.
I walked over and grabbed one of his hands and squeezed it. "First of all, I blame my sister for calling you and luring you to one of our twisted charades under false pretenses." He smiled a little as I continued, "And second, while the dinner with your mother was wretched it didn't make me hate you. I resented you, yes, but that isn't the real reason I pushed you away." I admitted quietly as I dropped his hand and began pacing back and forth again. "Or I guess I should say I never really gave you much of a chance."
Ian's face shown with confusion as he watched me pace in front of him. "I guess I don't understand, Ava."
And here it was, an opportunity to be honest and explain everything. "Tre." I said simply as the confusion on his face cleared up a little and disappointment took it's place. "The guy at the bar?"
I nodded. "Yeah, the rude one that accosted you and tried to make you feel like shit, when in fact he was really trying to get back at me." I could feel myself start to ramble so I paused a moment and tried to gather my thoughts.
"Tre and I had been, uh, seeing each other I guess you could say since last October." Ian's face fell a little and I wished desperately that I could say something to make it better, but I had a feeling it was going to get worse for him before it got better.
"We had been sneaking around behind Adrienne's back since then. Well, actually everyone's back, no one knew we were sleeping together. And that's why everything went awry." I began the inevitable rambling that always happened when I needed to explain so much and only felt I had little time to do so. After all I was taking up his work day. Ian sat there and looked at me in a mixture of shock and amazement; it occurred to me that he had never heard me go off before. "You see, I've sort of had a thing for Tre most of my adult life. Now you have to realize my sister met Billie Joe when I was ten so I've had these three men in my life ever since I can remember, I love them dearly... And when Adrienne married him it was like not only did I acquire Billie but I got Tre and Mike as brothers too. Only problem was when I got older I stopped seeing Tre as a brother and more as this unobtainable crush that seemed to constantly follow me around. However, he also happened to be married for most of the years I've known him. So only recently, and by recently I mean the past two years, has he been unattached and more of a problem than ever."
I glanced over to see if Ian's eyes had glazed over with boredom but he looked beyond curious. "And?" He said, encouraging me to keep going.
I took a deep breath and licked my lips. "And we've always flirted. He flirts with everything that moves, actually. But last summer things got a little intense between us, there was a moment in the hot tub... " I glanced up in embarrassment when I realized what I was saying. "Nevermind!" I muttered, waving away my words with my hands.
"I can fill in the blanks." He muttered, a little resentment coming through.
I nodded and took another breath. "After that things with my sister kind of got crazy, her and Billie Joe took a break, I was on the outs with Jack, my long time boyfriend. Remember I spoke of him?" I asked quickly as he nodded. "So I took off to New York City for the summer to try and hold together some sort of relationship with him, what a fucking waste of time, I mean come on... " I felt myself starting to speak faster and faster.
"Ava!" I looked up as Ian playfully smiled, cutting off my rant.
"Focus hun, Tre. You're talking about Tre." He said simply as I nodded and ran my hands through my hair.
"Umm ok, so when I came back from New York I was kind of moping around for awhile, I had two more semesters of college to go, blah blah blah. So the weekend of Halloween I flew out to be with the guys and we went to a party... One thing led to another and Tre and I slept together for the first time. After that we started sneaking around and I had convinced myself by December that it was only sex and Adrienne didn't need to know. And plus, she had made me promise awhile back that I would never get involved with a musician or any sort of man who had to travel more than he was home because she wanted me to have a better life than her, basically she has a lot of issues with that kind of thing... Umm, so that tore at my mind. And gradually I began to, um, fall for him and consistently and very effectively, might I add, also managed to convince myself that I felt nothing for him and it was all for the sex."
I paused for a moment as he cringed at the last part and I felt my heart tug. "I'm sorry... I just want to tell you the truth, I want to tell you EVERYTHING. Everything I couldn't tell you when we were together because I was so fucking confused and turned around in my own mind." I said quietly as he nodded and crossed his arms over his chest.
"I'm glad you're telling me all of this, Ava. It's just kind of hard... You know, I care about you."
I nodded and stepped closer to touch his forearm. "I care about you too, Ian. None of what I ever said to you was a lie. That month we spent together was amazing... YOU are amazing. I just think the disaster with your mom was like a sign, it sort of pointed out that we weren't meant to be." I explained as he nodded a little regretfully, a pained smile finding it's way across his lips. "So in a way my mother drove you back to him?" He asked.
I tilted my head to the side and looked into his soulful eyes. "That's a poor way of looking at it." I mumbled as he chuckled. "But I guess so... It made me realize how important he was in my life. It made me appreciate things I hadn't appreciated in awhile."
I saw him nod. "Go on with your story." He said reaching his arm around the desk to grab for his coffee.
"Well, as time went on we started getting restless with one another, he knew how he felt and he was a lot braver than I was about admitting it. You know, admitting something makes it real... And I couldn't face that I've been lying to my sister for so long. So we kind of had a falling out about a week before I met you. You came spiraling into my life at a really weird time... " I trailed off as he smiled a little and ran his fingers around the rim of his coffee cup. "But I'm glad you did, all the same." I finished with a smile.
"And then when you went overseas at the end of June you reunited and all of that stuff?" he asked quietly.
I nodded a little. It seemed like it had been forever ago now. And without sounding like a bad teen movie; it seemed rather bittersweet.
I shook myself out of my thoughts to see Ian watching me closely.
"So what happened?" He inquired, patting the bare spot on the front of the desk next to him. I gratefully walked the few steps to where he was leaning and joined him. "I found out my sister has a tumor on her ovary... She's having surgery on August 27th to have it removed." I replied as he frowned and reached over to put a hand on my shoulder.
"I'm sorry to hear that, I didn't know." And in that instant I remembered why I had warmed to him immediately, he really was a genuine and kind person.
"Thank you, I'm confident she'll pull through just fine." I replied, smiling over at him. "So anyway, Tre and I got closer again and for some reason something finally clicked with us this time, well, for me mostly I guess... I finally opened my eyes I guess you could say. So we agreed that we were going to be honest this time around... And before I could tell Adrienne what was going on, not that I was in a hurry to, the whole party debacle happened and I ended up telling her about it in the parking lot after I chased after Tre and she chased after me." I paused for a moment as the memory of her walking away from me surfaced, I could still see the disappointment radiating from her. "And we haven't talked since."
He looked over at me sympathetically. "She'll come around Ava, if she's anything like you she just needs some time to blow off steam and work through it on her own terms. I know you'll be together in the end..." He trailed off in the end and I wondered if he was talking about my sister or Tre.
"I just want some peace and quiet for awhile." I admitted.
Ian frowned. "You've had quite a summer." He mumbled as I looked over and smiled a little.
"I know... I almost wish I were taking classes. I would love to distract myself with some mind numbing Sociology or something." I replied as he chuckled.
"Jesus, I wouldn't wish that on my sworn enemy." He joked.
There was a small silence that loomed between us as he sipped his coffee and as I tried once again to piece together a way to express my apologies for the way I had treated him, but he didn't really seem interested in hearing it.
"I know what you're trying to do, Ava." Ian said suddenly, shaking me from my thoughts. "I know you're trying to come up with some way to apologize or explain why you and I didn't work without hurting my feelings."
I stared at him as he spoke and found that I was only able to nod as he continued, "But don't you see? You don't have to. What you just told me today... It makes sense to me. Yeah, I'm disappointed but the way you light up when you're talking about him... Or even at that party, I felt the pull between you two. It's incredible. And I'm happy for you, really." He said as I continued to stare at him. I almost wanted to cry because this wonderfully amazing man sitting next to me made me feel absolutely nothing for him... I guess the universe really is mad. Either that or I was fucked up. Probably both.
"Ian... I just... You're... " And I honestly had nothing. Once again I couldn't convey to him all that I wanted to say, or how much I wanted to thank him for understanding. He simply smiled at me, and I think he knew as he leaned over and pulled me into a hug.
"Thank you for an incredible couple of months." He whispered into my ear as I laid my head down on his shoulder and sighed. "You renewed my faith in women again."
I thought it was quite ironic that I had metaphorically ended up in another guy's arms and he still was thankful for having me in his life. "You're not breaking up with me... Are you?" I muttered into his jacket as I felt him laugh.
"No, I'm not breaking up with you. I still expect you to come see Eric's band play. And I want you to come hang out and listen to music... And there's this new coffee place I want to take you to." He said, determination in his voice as he continued to hug me close.
I smiled in appreciation and wondered when someone perfect was going to come along and sweep him off his feet. He was still young, granted, but I knew he was going to make someone extremely happy one of these days.
I pulled back, suddenly remembering something else. I leaned over and picked my purse off the floor.
"I have something for you... Sort of a peace offering, you know, please be my friend again sort of a thing." I said as he chuckled.
"What'dya get me?" He asked trying to peer into my bag.
I swatted at his prying hand as he chuckled and I rooted around for the desired item. He looked confused as I held up an unmarked envelope.
"This is for being such a great person... And for putting up with my mood swings and my unforgivable craziness. It's a family trait."
He laughed as I pushed the envelope into his hands. I watched as he carefully tore open the envelope and then watched as his eyes almost popped out of his head.
"DASHBOARD TICKETS!" He yelled in amazement, grabbing the two tickets and holding them closely, as if he had just found the golden ticket like Charlie had.
I laughed when he leaned over and pulled me in for a rib shattering hug. "HOLY FUCK!" He exclaimed, pulling away quickly to look at the tickets again.
"The concert is in October and there are two tickets there... Take whoever you want." And then leaning in closer I whispered, "Maybe take your assistant, Jessica. She's definitely digging you with a large, angular shovel."
His face colored a little more, which I thought would be impossible considering it was entirely red from all of his excitement.
"Really?" he whispered back. God he was so cute.
I nodded earnestly. "She likes Dashboard, right? And even if she doesn't who would say no?" I asked as he shook his head, as though he was sobering from all of his excitement suddenly.
"I want to take you." He said with determination, his brown eyes smiling.
I shook my head. "No, take Eric or whoever you want... I got these for you. AND if you look closely, you'll see a couple of backstage passes in there for you too. I thought you might like to meet the band."
I giggled when he brought me in for another quick hug and then proceeded to do a small dance around his office. "This is unbelievable!" He yelled and I suspected his colleagues were now officially alarmed and probably rather intrigued as to what was happening in his office.
He was starting to sing a song of theirs when he turned to me again. "No Ava, I want to take you. You'll go with me, right?" He inquired as I smiled. How could I say no? He was so excited.
"Of course I will. I would love to spend an evening with you and Dashboard."
He grinned and settled next to me on the desk again, still clutching the tickets. I suspected he would probably be falling asleep with those under his pillow tonight... Either that or he would lock them in a safe, one of the two.
"Great... Let's think of this outing as a tribute to the new beginning of us. A more platonic us." He added as I smiled.
"I would love that." I replied as he nudged his shoulder against mine.
"Me too, Ava. Me too."
I walked a little lighter as I left Ian's building. I was glad that he had forgiven me and that we could make amends. I'm sure the Dashboard tickets helped the healing process a little, but all the same I was glad I had finally addressed this issue with him, something that had been plaguing my mind. But not as much as Tre had been.
It wasn't that Tre didn't mean as much to me as Ian, and that's why I didn't go to him first, that wasn't the case at all. But I found it easier to sit down and chat with someone who I cared for deeply as a friend, rather than trying to piece together a speech to share with someone I had been in love with for almost seven years. I smiled to myself as I slid into my car, realizing that it was in Paris that I first fell for him. I was only eighteen then but I knew what I wanted. Him. It had always been out about him.
I drove back to my apartment with the windows down, enjoying the sunshine and humming along to the radio. I knew the guys were leaving for tour at the end of the week and I was running out of time if I wanted to clear the air before Tre took off again.
When I arrived home I noticed my answering machine was blinking, sending a feeling of dread hurling into the pit of my stomach. I knew eventually my mother was going to call either Adrienne or I, catch wind of us not getting along, and throw a holy fit. We would both hear a lecture on the blessings of having siblings and how no matter happened in our lives family always came first, to hell with petty fights. And then mom would catch wind of Tre and I... And who knows what she would do then.
I sat on my couch for a moment and tried to remember ever having a conversation regarding my parent's thoughts on Tre. My dad always seemed to be Switzerland as far as people were concerned; he always remained neutral and for the most part tolerant of others. My mother on the other hand always had a very cut and dry opinion. In the beginning she had a hard time adjusting to my sister's lifestyle, Billie Joe namely. He was a lot for her to handle but eventually she warmed to his rebellious nature and welcomed him into the family. And my mother all but adopted Mike when she first met him, she thought he was simply the nicest guy on the planet, and occasionally would give me gentle shoves in his direction. This always amused Mike and me because we never once felt an ounce of attraction or desire for one another.
But I couldn't remember a whole lot about what she thought of Tre. One Thanksgiving the guys were over and he helped her make dinner, which surprised all of us because he was about as responsible as Frankito sometimes. But they had stayed in the kitchen together for most of the morning, talking and cooking. And when I had gone into the kitchen to refill everyone's wine glasses I noticed a sparkle in my mother's eye that I had never seen before, it was like they shared a secret bond. I was only 17, just a few days shy of 18 and at that time I was itching to move to Paris. I remember catching Tre's eye as he leaned over and playfully fed me a piece of fudge. "Your mother is a very vibrant woman, no wonder her daughters are such hellions." He teased as I smiled. I took that as a compliment, my mother was a very strong woman and she taught us to be no different. But he continued, "You're going to make someone really happy one day, kid. I'm jealous of the man who gets to grow old with you... You're going to be a spunky little grandma who does 95 down the highway and listens to Guns N' Roses until the day you die."
I had giggled and hugged his side before I busied myself with filling up the empty wine glasses, but I had felt his eyes on me as I moved around the room. And when I looked up again I saw something that made my insides warm, I sensed that he saw a real glimpse of me. His big blue eyes fixed on mine, a secret smile playing on his lips as he turned his attention back to stirring the gravy. Maybe he felt something right then, but it wouldn't be until later that I would realize the magnitude of our connection. It wouldn't be until we were in Paris together, flirting and standing out on my apartment's starry lit balcony talking about politics and making each other laugh. I could still feel his warm breath on my neck as he leaned closer and told me that I was beautiful, that he had been watching me all night. I remember that I was wearing a red dress that had billowed around me as I walked and I could still feel his hands on my waist as he leaned in closer to whisper in my ear that he would always remember us this way... In Paris, happy.
Happy seemed a far cry from where we stood right now.
I sighed, ripping myself away from the memories of my balcony in Paris, it was just too easy to get caught up in all of that. I leaned over to listen to my messages; one was from my mom and the other from Mikey, just checking in. I would call them both back later.
I wandered into my bedroom to change into an old t-shirt and I was about to start dinner when I heard my phone ring. I walked over to the caller ID and damn near threw up a lung when I saw that it was Tre calling. I froze for a moment, debating whether or not to answer it... In the end I chickened out again. I sat perched on the couch by the answering machine waiting, NEEDING to hear his voice.
And then his unsure and desperately familiar voice filled the room. "Uhh, hey Ava, it's me. Tre. Cool. Aww fuck, I doubt you know any other guys by the name of Tre... Considering my name really isn't even Trey... I don't have a y at the end of my name." I giggled a little, he sounded a lot like me when I left messages. I rambled and delayed my reason for calling as long as possible out of habit. "So, umm, I see you're avoiding me and that's cool I guess. Except, umm, I need to talk to you. I want to talk to you. I've realized over the past week that the past couple of months have been kind of shitty for you, maybe I've been kind of shitty to you. And I want to make it right. I don't even know how you feel anymore... I just... I want you in my life. As a girlfriend, as a friend, as a pen pal... Anything. I can't stand to be without you."
I felt the tears start to well up as I hugged my knees close to my chest and sighed.
"Oh and by the way, I'm sitting outside your apartment in my car. I, uh, saw you get home but I was too much of a chicken shit to get out of my car... Or knock on your door... So if you want to talk to me I'll be here. For awhile. Think about it."
And then the machine hung up on him, ripping his familiarity away from me again.
I sat in the silence of my living room, my mind reeling as I tried to think of what to do. And no matter how I looked at it or how I twisted the scenarios I always came back to the same conclusion; it's either Tre or Adrienne, I couldn't have both. It seemed ridiculous but I knew if I walked outside right now and walked into his arms my sister would never forgive me. Those wounds would never heal. But if I didn't go outside could Tre ever forgive me? He was obviously putting himself on the line here... Could I really just sit back and let him slip through my fingers?
And as I sat there losing track of precious time I cried because I couldn't bring myself to do it, I couldn't get off the couch, even though all I wanted to do was hug him close and stay with him forever.
I couldn't choose him over Adrienne again. I refused.
And so I sat alone, stoic, until it was dark outside and until my body felt hollow from the emotions that I had been left to pour out. Hour after hour I sat on my couch, trying to distinguish whether or not I was doing the right thing. Nothing was logical anymore, I could only identify with the maddening thoughts that ran through my head.
I dragged myself off the couch finally, which proved to be difficult because the tingling sensation of my legs falling asleep from being cramped under my body for so long made me want to scream in agony. I doubt I had enough energy to even do that. But I still hated the feeling of a thousand needles being jammed into my legs as I tried to get my circulation going again. I rummaged through my freezer and found my old best friend tucked in the back.
Hello Vodka. I've had a tough night... Wanna cuddle?
Three shots later I was feeling a little better, a numbness migrating over my limbs, which was a welcomed sensation. I moved into my bedroom after that, but I found myself frozen in place staring at my bed in horror. I could almost see him lying under my covers with me, smiling and laughing as we tickled each other, those blue eyes beaming at me from behind his beautiful eyelashes. And damn it I could hear the passionate breathy sighs as we made love over and over again on Sunday mornings. I could hear him calling from the kitchen, asking me where I kept my peanut butter or yelling from the bathroom that we should conserve water by showering together if we wanted to be environmentally friendly.
He was going to haunt me forever.
I turned on my heel and headed towards the guestroom, at least I knew he wouldn't follow me in there. I laid down on the cold, hard bed and sighed, trying to convince myself that I had done the right thing. But in the end I just decided I was my own worst enemy. And a dumbass.
And finally when I couldn't stand not to say it out loud anymore, when I couldn't bear to have it inside of my fucked up brain, "I love you, Tre." I whispered to the plain white walls that surrounded me. "I love you and I'm sorry."
