You're My Little Secret, chapter 3
March 4th, 2004
I had just got done taking a hellacious Calculus exam and all I wanted to do was go home, drink some vodka and take a hot bath. I was happy in the fact that it was Thursday, which meant I had no more classes for the week AND it was the start my spring vacation; I had a seven day vacation from exams and classes. That alone made me smile. As I waved goodbye to a fellow classmate and slid into my car I heard my cell phone chirping next to me, telling me I had a new voicemail. I had two voicemails in fact. The first one was from my boyfriend, Jack, sending me well wishes and promising that I did well on my exam. I smiled as I went on to the next message; I loved how he always made me feel better. Calculus really was my worst subject, and even though he had to get up for work the next day he had spent all of last night helping me go over past assignments, guaranteeing that I would pass.
The smile vanished from my face when the next voicemail I received was from Adrienne about 20 minutes earlier; she was crying and I could hardly understand what she was saying. I quickly dialed the house.
"Hello?" Adrienne whimpered into the phone.
"What's wrong babe?" I asked throwing my car into reverse and quickly exiting the parking lot.
Upon hearing my voice she started to cry all over again. It made my heart ache to hear my sister in such anguish and not really knowing the reasons why.
"I'll be there in 15 minutes, ok? Don't go anywhere." I calmly replied to all of her attempts to form a clear sentence through her sobs.
I hung up the phone after she mumbled something and then the line went dead. I threw my cell phone on the seat next to me and pressed my foot harder on the accelerator. I knew only one thing could make my sister cry like that; Billie Joe.
I reached their house shortly after and I walked right in without knocking. Billie Joe was sitting at the kitchen table with his head in his hands, but when I entered the room he brought his head up to look at me. He looked angry and miserable all at the same time, his green eyes dark and clouded.
"What the hell is going on?" I demanded hands on my hips.
"She's upstairs." He simply said glaring up at me.
"Are you two fighting again?" I asked when he didn't say anything else.
He nodded and then placed his head back in his hands.
I left it at that; Billie Joe and I had gotten into some pretty heated arguments as of lately but today I didn't feel like getting into it with him, especially when my sister was upstairs and needed me.
I quietly knocked on their bedroom door, which was partially open. Adrienne emerged from the closet with a handful of clothes in her hands.
"Ava, I'm fed up with his fucking shit." She said upon seeing me standing in the doorway of the bedroom.
"I know, Adi, how about you come stay with me tonight?" I asked helping her fold a few shirts before shoving them into an overnight bag. "You need a break."
"I'm going to leave him." She calmly replied, looking me dead in the eyes.
I stared back into the familiar eyes of my sister, completely stunned. I knew they had been having problems for awhile and they have had some horrible fights, but she's never talked about leaving him. I didn't know it had gotten this bad.
"Alright, you'll come stay with me and we'll figure this all out." I replied following her into her bathroom where she grabbed a few things. Shoving them into her bag she slung it over her shoulder and turned to look at me.
"We can't fix this." She insisted, her eyes distraught and tired.
"You're upset, babe, and that's ok. We'll eat some ice cream and we'll bitch until the sun comes up." I answered. "Let's not make any hasty decisions."
I knew she was angry and she always said things she didn't mean when she was angry so it was just easier to pacify her by listening and agreeing. I followed her down the stairs and dreaded the confrontation that was bound to take place between her and Billie Joe. He was still sitting at the kitchen table when she came storming into the room, me close on her heels.
"I'm going to stay with Ava for awhile. The boys are with your mother for the night, do you think you can manage to pick them up tomorrow after school?" she asked coldly.
He nodded miserably. "I'll be in the studio for the afternoon but I can after that."
"OF COURSE YOU'LL BE IN THE FUCKING STUDIO!" she yelled suddenly, causing me to jump and Billie Joe to cringe.
"Adrienne, what would you like me to do?" he asked shrugging his shoulders.
"We have a commitment, we can't just fucking abandon this album because you're unhappy."
I grimaced. Jesus, that was a poor phrasing of words. No wonder she was pissed; men always have such a way with words.
"As far as I'm fucking concerned YOU can shove that fucking album up your ASS, Billie Joe." Adrienne replied heatedly.
I knew this wasn't going to get us anywhere. "ALRIGHT, we're leaving!" I intervened grabbing her arm and pulling her towards the door. I knew my sister well enough to know that she would scream at him for hours and hours with him screaming back and get absolutely nowhere. It was best to walk away.
Billie Joe didn't say another word but Adrienne mumbled all the way to the car, I caught bits and pieces; hearing words like 'worthless' and 'bastard'. The drive to my apartment was filled with nothing but her sniffles and sobs. The more she cried the more I hated Billie Joe even though I knew he wasn't entirely to blame; it was just a natural reaction. My sister could be stubborn and bitchy; and she could hold a grudge like it was going out of style. I knew all of this because she and I are very similar in our habits and traits. I sighed; this year had turned out to be really shitty one and it was only March.
An hour later we were both in our pajamas, a tub of ice cream between us, spoons systematically delivering the treat to our mouths. We were watching old episodes of 'Roseanne', occasionally chuckling to ourselves.
"I should call the boys." She finally said after a long of silence.
I wordlessly passed her the cordless phone and listened as she pretended to be happy for the boy's sake. That made my heart ache even more. She hung up and passed the phone back to me so I could place it back on the charger.
"How come they spent the night over there tonight? Don't they have school tomorrow?" I asked.
"It's Grandparents Day at Joey's school tomorrow and Ollie thought it would be nice to spend some extra time with both of the boys." She mumbled through the ice cream in her mouth.
"You gonna tell me about the fight?" I asked, finally biting the bullet.
"Same shit, different fucking day." She replied turning to look at me. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying.
"I thought things were better since January?" I asked, setting my spoon down and muting the television.
She turned away, her eyes fixed on the screen. "He's a different person, Ava, I can't explain it any better than that. Ever since the guys have started to work out their differences with this fucking album he's been different. It consumes him and he doesn't give a shit about anything else."
"I know the past year and a half have been shitty because of the fighting between the guys, but back in January you hashed everything out and he promised to pull his head out of his ass. What happened to that?" I responded reaching over to wipe a few tears off her face.
"He was better for awhile, but he's constantly in that fucking studio. You know, it's not like he's never recorded or never been gone before, but he's never physically been home and mentally been gone before. That kills me. I mean, I have needs and we have two sons who need their dad. He's just being selfish and my GOD is he moody." She explained, her voice came out a little strained as she closed her eyes. "And I know I'm not perfect, but I deserve to be treated better than this. He just keeps pushing me away."
I saw the tears start to fall behind her closed eyelids.
"Come here, Adi." I said moving the ice cream out of the way and pulling her against me.
She sobbed into my arms for awhile before deciding she had exhausted herself and just wanted to go to bed.
My roommate had graduated and moved out in January leaving me a two bedroom, two bathroom loft apartment all to myself, which meant I had plenty of space for visitors. It was in these moments I was glad I lived alone; I had lots of privacy. I led Adrienne to the spare bedroom and tucked her in.
"Sorry for ruining your night, Ava." She mumbled.
"Shut up." I said playfully. "I'll always be here for my big sister." I said before kissing her cheek and turning off the light.
I wandered back out in the living room and sighed, picking up the phone and dialing Jack's number.
"Hey." I replied when he answered.
"Hey you, how was your exam?" he asked. "I'd thought you'd call sooner."
"I know, I'm sorry. The exam was alright, but the real fun came after I got out of the test." I said sarcastically.
"Why, what happened?" he asked, concern creeping into his warm voice.
"Billie Joe and Adrienne had another big fight." I answered sinking deeper into the couch.
"Everything come out alright?" He questioned.
"It's pretty bad. She actually said she wanted to leave him when I went to pick her up."
He was silent for a moment. "That's awful, Ava." He finally mumbled.
"She's put up with a lot of shit over the years."
I felt comfortable discussing all of this with Jack because he had been around when the onslaught of the fighting came on. And he was always willing to listen and lend advice, being almost 30 himself he'd gone through a lot of shit in his life.
"Want me to come over?" he asked.
I entertained the idea for a moment. "Nah, Adrienne's spending the night here. Maybe a few days, you know, girl time." I responded. "But I'll call you soon."
"I understand." He replied. "I would hate to interfere with that." He joked.
I laughed. "I love you." I replied.
"Love you too. Bye."
I hung up and closed my eyes. On top of my concern for my sister I was also dealing with the possibility of a long distance relationship. Jack and I had been dating since last April and things had really been going well, but last month Jack was offered a really great job opportunity in New York. He worked as an architect for a company located in San Francisco, but they were expanding and planning on opening a branch in New York City, wanting Jack to head up the company. It was such a great opportunity for him and I was happy, but at the same time I was feeling selfish in not wanting him to go. I had two semesters more to go after I finished this one, and with my scholarship there was no way I could pick up and move to New York right now. I hated the thoughts of only being able to see him on long weekends and breaks, and then whenever he flew in. We hadn't really discussed it in great detail, but I couldn't blame him for being excited and wanting to take the job.
I got up and made sure all of the doors were locked before heading out on the deck for one last cigarette. I was looking forward to the week ahead of me; I had a week off from work seeing as how the University was closed until next Monday, and I was hoping to spend some down time with Jack, but I was willing to put all of that aside for Adrienne; she was priority one.
The next morning I awoke to the sound of someone pounding on the apartment door. Glancing over at my bedside clock I groaned when it said 6:30. Someone was going to pay for waking me up at the butt crack of dawn on my first day of spring break. The pounding didn't cease as I made me my way through the living room.
"WHAT?" I yelled throwing the door open.
I stood face to face with a very drunken looking Billie Joe and an apologetic looking Tre.
"Oh good, the peanut gallery is here." I muttered sarcastically.
"Ava, sorry it's so early but Billie Joe REALLY wants to see Adrienne. He fucking woke me up at 5 this morning, bugging me until I finally agreed to drive him over here." Tre mumbled. He looked sleepy and miserable, just as I probably did.
I glanced at Billie Joe who hadn't said anything since I opened the door.
"That true?" I asked, eyebrow raised. "You think you can come strolling over here this early and just expect her to forgive you?"
"I want to see my wife." He slurred. "Adrienne."
"I'm glad you clarified for me. I wasn't sure which sister you were referring to." I replied, sarcastically.
Billie Joe stumbled back and Tre reached out to stand him back up.
"Alright, come in." I motioned, stepping aside praying they hadn't woken up any of my neighbors.
"She's that way Romeo." I said pointing in the direction of the spare bedroom.
He mumbled something and then sort of stumbled, leaning against the hallway wall as he walked. I watched him disappear through the door and then heard a large belch echo off the walls. I'm sure she enjoyed being greeted by that lovely noise.
I turned to look at Tre who looked positively attractive in his black t-shirt and wrinkled jeans so early in the morning. Every time I saw him I always got a funny feeling in the pit of stomach, which made me feel guilty immediately after because I had been dating Jack for almost a year now and he didn't even give me that much of a tingle.
"Was he staying at your house?" I asked confused.
"No, apparently he started drinking when she left last night and then he got this idea in his head that he needed to see her so he started calling my house around 4 and kept it up until 5... and finally Claudia threatened to kick me out if I didn't take care of it. We drove around for awhile, I knew if I showed up here at 5 you'd have my head." Tre replied chuckling. "So we got coffee and donuts and here we are. And at least he didn't drive drunk!"
"Yes let's praise him for his good choices." I answered sarcastically.
I turned my head when I heard their raised voices coming from down the hall and rolled my eyes.
"I wish they would just solve this once and for all. Both of them are so fucking stubborn." I said.
Tre nodded as he yawned. "Fuck I'm tired, can I crash on your couch?" he asked.
"They'll keep you awake if you stay in here. Come on." I replied, grabbing his hand and leading him across the apartment to where my bedroom was.
"You can sleep in here if you promise to be good." I teased before breaking into a yawn myself.
He graciously climbed into my bed. "Scouts Honor." He replied holding up three fingers. "Ohh fuck, Ava, your bed is to die for." He mumbled from underneath my down comforter.
I giggled and climbed in next to him. I never gave a second thought to offering for him to sleep in my bed; this guy was like my brother. The memory of the hot tub discussion popped into my head but I wasn't embarrassed; he knew I was serious about Jack but there was no need to lie I AM attracted to him. But it wasn't an issue for us; it wasn't like I was dying to sleep with him. So how come I couldn't stop smiling as I drifted off to sleep with him by my side? And how come Jack never crossed my mind?
I woke up a few hours later feeling a little more rested. I was very surprised to see that Tre was sleeping so close to me as I rolled over on my back. I had a king size bed, it wasn't like he didn't have any room. Maybe he was one of those people that gravitated towards whoever else is was in the bed. Either way I didn't mind that he was this close to me, and was slightly angry with myself for that realization.
I looked at his sleeping form and smiled a little. I looked up at the ceiling and then looked back a moment later, jumping a mile when I realized that two very blue eyes were staring back at me.
"It's rude to stare." He admonished stretching his arms over his head.
"I was worried you were drooling on my favorite pillow." I responded.
He grinned at me.
"Gonna make me breakfast, kid?" he asked.
"What the fuck does this look like? A bed and breakfast?" I replied. "And besides you should make me breakfast. This is the first day of my spring vacation and you ruined it."
He laughed. "You're right, I should make you breakfast." He thought for a moment before fixing his bright blue eyes on me once again. "How about I go fix us up some CEREAL?"
I rolled my eyes. "Men." I muttered to myself before throwing back the covers and heading for the door. "Such useless mammals." I said turning back around to see him watching me.
"Where you going?" he questioned.
"To see if Billie Joe and Adrienne are both alive. And if they're not then my sister will need help hiding the body." I replied smiling back at him.
Tre laughed as I opened the door and walked across the apartment. I listened at the door and when I didn't hear anything I carefully pushed the door open. I stuck my head in and just as quickly pulled my head back and shut the door again, giggling to myself.
I padded back to the kitchen where Tre was standing looking through my cupboards.
"Well? Any bloodshed?" he asked.
I shook my head. "I think they made up." I giggled again.
Tre's eyebrow rose in curiosity. "Oh yeah? How do you know?"
"Because they're naked and all tangled together... sleeping like babies. A sight I NEVER want to see again." I responded.
He laughed. "They fuck like rabbits. Christ, I swear they fight like this to just to get some good sexual tension going and then they go at it for hours."
"HEY! Tre have some compassion, that's my SISTER. I don't need to hear things like that." I scolded cringing.
Tre shrugged. "It doesn't bother me any." He replied pulling a gallon of orange juice out of the refrigerator and bringing it up to his mouth.
"Use a glass!" I said grabbing one out of the cupboard and thrusting it into his hand.
He shrugged again. "I don't need one." But he obliged and poured some into a glass.
"You're worse than Joey and Jakob." I mumbled taking eggs out of the fridge.
"Ohhh, omelets?" Tre questioned eyeing the eggs.
"No, I was thinking french toast." I laughed at the look of disappointment on his face.
"If you want an omelet so bad you make one."
"How about I take you out to breakfast?" Tre asked.
"We can't just leave them here." I responded motioning to the spare bedroom.
Tre looked confused. "Why? They probably just went to bed a little while ago anyway. We have time."
"You're right. I deserve breakfast out." I said nodding my head once for good measure. "Let me change into some jeans." I scurried out of the room to change.
March 7th, 2005
I turned up My Chemical Romance's "Helena" really loud as I danced around packing my suitcase and double checking to make sure I had everything. I was very excited that I would be accompanying Adrienne to visit the guys on tour in Australia for the week of my spring vacation. I hadn't seen them since a week after Billie Joe's birthday because of their hectic schedules and their overseas tour preparation.
I had spoken to Tre on the phone a few times, but every time we tried to get somewhere with phone sex someone would walk in on his end and I would end up being "Aunt Fannie" or "Uncle Stew"; it was frustrating. I couldn't wait to get there and see him.
I know Adrienne was also excited, not only because she hadn't seen him for awhile but because the boys were staying behind with grandma; meaning some alone time for the two of them. I could tell she felt guilty as I arrived at her house the following day. She kept kissing their heads as they pouted and continued to beg to go with us.
"Be good for your grandma, ok?" Adi was saying, her eyes sad.
"And don't hide from her; you know how that makes her nervous!" I added winking at Jakob.
He smiled up at me innocently. "We'd never do that aunt Ava." He responded, crossing two fingers behind his back inconspicuously.
Adrienne was still rambling off instructions and numbers when our taxi arrived and I practically had to drag her into the car.
"We'll be fine, go, have fun! And give my baby a kiss for me!" Ollie called gathering her two grandsons to her side as they waved and called out "I love you" one last time.
Adrienne rolled down her window as we drove away waving and calling out various things. She held my hand tightly as we drove to the airport, but once we got there she seemed to be more excited than anything; although she did call home before we got on the plane to remind the boys one last time to feed the dog.
It was a long flight and all the while Adrienne was asleep next to me I kept envisioning Tre and those warm lips of his. I couldn't wait to be in his arms. But as I glanced at my sister I felt really guilty. She assumed I was going for the scenery and to spend some time with her, when in fact I was mainly going to fuck her husband's best friend; the Godfather of her children. I was so torn between the pleasure Tre brought and the guilt I felt whenever I walked away from him and faced Adrienne afterwards. I leaned my head against the back of my seat and sought peace in the phrase 'what she doesn't know can't hurt her', but I knew the aftermath of her findings would be devastating; and I wasn't sure how you could put back the pieces of a trust that had never been broken. I really was selfish, I thought miserably. I should just walk away from him, but the damage had already technically been done and I found myself addicted to his touch.
When we arrived at the airport we were escorted back to the hotel; the guys hadn't arrived yet from Brisbane so we checked into our separate rooms and I fell asleep immediately, not having slept more than a few hours on the plane. I woke up awhile later when I felt a warm hand on the side of my face. I cracked an eyelid to see Tre sitting next to me on the bed, smiling.
"Hey beautiful." He whispered smoothing pieces of hair out of my face.
I sat up immediately and wrapped my arms around his neck, burying my face in his chest. "Hey." I finally said after a moment.
He wrapped me closer to him in his arms and held me. "How was your flight?" he asked.
I shrugged. "It was long. I thought about you a lot." I responded still feeling sleepy, but also feeling that tingle inside me that only Tre seemed to produce.
"Oh yeah? Any good thoughts?" he whispered huskily into my ear.
I pulled back and ran my hands over his face. "Yeah, I managed to think of a few things that only served to make the fucking flight take longer." I complained, smiling all the while.
"I see." He mumbled.
"I like the facial hair." I said touching his cheeks and chin.
"This is the masterpiece of me being fucking lazy." He said smirking.
I giggled. "You did good for once." I answered.
I watched as his eyes searched mine for a moment before he leaned in and tenderly kissed me on the mouth. I wasn't prepared for a kiss like this. Usually when we hadn't seen each other for awhile we launched right into some very satisfying sex, and then we talked and cuddled afterwards... if we had time.
"Wanna take a nap with me?" he asked pulling away and staring at me with those big blue eyes.
I nodded, unable to say anything. He didn't even remove his button down shirt or jeans as he crawled across the bed and laid down, pulling me against him. I rested my face against his chest as he sighed and pulled me closer.
I felt a small ounce of panic rise in my stomach. I could handle the emotional repercussions of meaningless sex and close encounters; it was fun and reckless, but I couldn't handle the cuddling and the soft words; that was a whole other stage of reckless I wasn't prepared for. There was no way Tre and I could find ourselves in a serious relationship... no way.
I woke awhile later to an empty bed and felt almost relieved, but somewhere deep inside I felt sad. It was shit like cuddling and promises that encouraged that sadness inside of me to come out when he went away. I didn't want disappointment and attachments; this wasn't a serious relationship. He could sleep with who he wanted to and I could sleep with who I wanted to. But in all honesty I hadn't slept with anyone else since Tre and I started up our fling in October. I didn't want to let myself believe that he was all that I needed, but I hadn't found anyone else attractive since my break from Jack and my transition into Tre.
I changed my t-shirt and combed my hair, feeling a little refreshed as I went in search of Adrienne. I knew the guys had a show that night, but I was hoping maybe we could go out afterwards and get some drinks or something. I knocked on Adrienne and Billie Joe's hotel room door and moments later Adi answered. We decided we would skip the show tonight and rest a few more hours, get ready, and then wait for them to get back. So after another nap and a shower I wandered back down to her room again to see if she was ready.
"Billie mentioned something about a bar that was recommended to him by the front desk before he left." Adrienne was saying as she applied her eyeliner later that night.
I sat on the counter of the bathroom watching her paint her eyes; the same eyes that I saw every time I looked in the mirror. We looked quite similar except I kept my hair dyed blonde with brown and red highlights. I was a little shorter than she, and also blessed with a well endowed chest. My hips weren't as prominent as hers, after all she did give birth to two kids, but I could fill out a pair of jeans, and I surely wouldn't blow away in the wind like some of these floozies living in Hollywood.
"I'm glad you came with me." She said looking at me before pushing a curly strand of hair out of my face.
"Me too, Ad. I'm glad to take a break from school and spend some time away. I feel like my head is going to explode with all of this fucking pressure... and graduation, Christ." I muttered.
She smiled. "I'm proud of you, kid." She said sweetly leaning over to kiss my cheek.
I smiled back. "I'm proud of you too." I replied honestly.
She furrowed her eyebrows together. "What do you mean?" she asked curiously.
"It takes a strong woman to put up with all of this shit. You know, your husband being gone all the time, being in the limelight, and raising two sons mostly on your own. I couldn't do it, Adi, I'm proud of you. I've never told you that but I am."
She smiled and leaned over. "He's worth it." She whispered winking.
I nodded. "I know he is. And I knew Jack wasn't worth trying to keep our relationship alive cross country. We weren't mean to be." I admitted a little bitterly.
"I've never heard you say that out loud, Ava." She replied looking at me through the mirror as she applied another coat of mascara. "Even after it was over."
"I know but it's true. When I spent all that time in New York City last summer I just felt like it was in vain. He is so great, but he's not my type. I need someone who is fun and has some spirit to him; Jack was boring and safe. I don't know, I need someone who can keep me on my toes. I want a bad boy." I said laughing at my own confession.
She laughed too. "We'll find you someone." She assured me. "And I agree, Jack was nice and he was mom's dream come true, but Jesus he was stuffy. You need someone who likes to live a little."
I giggled again. "Want to know a secret? He ironed his jeans."
Her eyes widened. "No!" she insisted. "Tightass!"
I nodded and we continued laughing until we heard the door open and a very sweaty Billie Joe pop his head into the bathroom.
"What are you two laughing about?" he asked suspiciously.
Adrienne waved her hand at her husband. "Girl stuff." She said winking at me.
"Glad I wasn't here." He replied. "Ready to get going after we all get showers?" he asked.
I nodded and hopped off the counter giving them the privacy they needed.
"Meet in the lobby in 20 minutes?" Billie Joe asked as I headed past him towards the door.
"Sounds good." I replied.
I grabbed my jacket from my room, fixed my hair, and then headed down to the lobby a little early. Tre was the first to arrive, looking very clean and freshly shaven.
"Hey Ava, sorry about earlier." He said dropping a quick kiss on my lips before backing away and sitting in a chair across from me.
"It's okay, I figured you needed to get out of there." I responded looking up as Mike made his way over to us.
"Hey kid." He said planting a kiss on my cheek and sitting down next to me.
"Hey Mikey. How was the show?" I asked looking at both of them.
"It was awesome; the crowd was cool as hell." Mike answered smiling.
"That's good. Here comes Billie Joe and Adrienne, should we go?" I asked standing up.
We ended up being able to walk to the bar because it was so close. When we got there an alternative band was performing and I immediately warmed to the cozy atmosphere and the good music filling the room. We sat down at a large table in the back, waiting for some of the crew to get there. Adrienne and I ordered a pitcher of margaritas, not wanting to start right out with beer. I sat next to Tre and across from Mike who looked pretty damn smug sitting there staring at the two of us. We both noticed and tried to act casual as we greeted the rest of the people arriving. After a few margaritas I was starting to loosen up a little; I had been feeling tense after the flight and the guilt wasn't helping any. Adrienne and Billie Joe got up to dance to a slow song leaving Tre, Mike, and I at our end of the table to talk.
"I wish Sidney was here." I called over the table to Mike as I lit my cigarette and blew the smoke upward. "I feel like I'm always saying that."
"Business." Mike muttered. Not only was Mike traveling all the time, but so was Sidney; and they could never seem to get their schedules to coexist. He was looking a little bitter as he drained his bottle of beer and started on another one.
"It's okay, Mikey, you'll be back in the States soon enough and it'll be easier to see her." I assure patting his hand.
I felt Tre's hand daringly rest on my thigh, and I couldn't stop myself from smiling a little. Mike continued to whine as I concentrated on Tre's hand crawling farther up my thigh.
"She wants to have a threesome, you know?" Mike was saying as I forced myself back to the conversation.
Jesus, I did miss a chunk of the conversation. "Huh?" I asked.
Tre smiled. "You know, a threesome isn't a bad idea. Maybe a foursome."
"Every night is a threesome for you: you, your porno tape, and your hand." I responded looking up at him. God he smelled good.
His eyes danced with amusement as he put his arm over the back of my chair; disappointing me and my happy thigh.
"I'm serious lets have a threesome." He insisted looking at me. I just rolled my eyes.
"Hey, don't be including my girlfriend in your threesome thoughts." Mike said waving a finger at Tre.
"I was thinking more along the lines of us three." Tre responded pointing at Mike and me.
This caused me to start giggling and Mike looked amused as well.
"We already tried that, remember Pookie?" Mike joked wagging his eyebrows at Tre.
"WHAT?" I questioned setting my beer down on the table with a thud and glancing at Tre who was looking sheepish and avoiding eye contact at all costs. I glanced back over to Mike who leaned back against his chair and waited for Tre's reply. "WHAT?" I repeated.
"THAT was a VERY long time ago!" Tre finally responded.
My mouth dropped open as I looked back and forth between the two of them.
"You mean you guys... " I couldn't even begin to wrap my brain around it. "I mean, I've always thought you guys are a little touchy feely and you joke around about having sex with each other... .but you actually slept together?" I asked leaning my elbows on the table and looking at Tre.
"Billie Joe too." Tre replied shrugging his shoulders.
My mouth dropped open in amazement again. "WHAT. Oh God, please, that's my brother-in-law." I said plugging my ears and shuddering a little.
"Adrienne never told you any of this?" Mike asked, his face a truly bright shade of red.
"NO!" I exclaimed. "When? Where? I want some fucking details." I demanded. "Pun intended." I added, grinning.
Tre glanced at Mike and they both looked pretty uncomfortable.
"OH COME ON, you are NOT shy about your sexuality!" I exclaimed looking at Tre again. "You've told me you've messed around with OTHER guys, but you failed to mention that you and Mike, or you and Billie Joe, or... " I couldn't finish my sentence and I waited for them to say they were joking, but I could tell they weren't.
Tre shrugged taking a long sip of his beer.
"It was a LONG time ago." He assured me and Mike agreed nodding his head.
I glanced over at Adrienne who was still engrossed in Billie Joe.
"That's fucking hot." I said looking back over at Tre and Mike.
They both started laughing and I leaned into Tre's side because his arm was still around my chair.
"Next time I want to watch." I joked and with that we let the subject die, but I intended to bring it back up later. Especially to Adrienne.
A few hours later I was a little buzzed and ready to head back to the hotel for a night cap. Tre had moved down a couple seats as he and Jason were enthralled in some deep conversation about pogo sticks, and he was not noticing the urgent looks I was directing him. Adrienne and Billie Joe cut out early because Billie Joe was 'tired'; lucky bitch, she was getting some action, which was precisely what I flew here for. Mike was sitting across from me still drinking a beer, silently observing me.
"Ready to head back?" he asked after awhile.
I nodded. "I'm tired."
"Want me to walk you back?" he offered.
I glanced at Tre and realized he was a lost cause because he was still deeply involved in whatever he and Jason were discussing.
"You don't mind?" I asked.
"No, I'm tired too." He replied standing up and pulling his coat on.
"Thanks Mike." I replied gratefully.
"We're leaving." I called to the other end of the table. Tre jerked his head up, surprised.
"Leaving, already?" he asked confused.
"It's late, we're tired." I summed up. I was a little irritated that we had spent maybe fifteen minutes together since we got to the bar. And I was also a little irritated that I was irritated with him; flings are supposed to be fun and noncommittal and here I was expecting more than I deserved. Tre looked at me for a moment, noticing my conflicted emotions.
"I'll walk you back." He offered.
"No, you stay and have fun. Mike offered to walk with me, he's tired too." I said shoving my cigarettes in my purse. "Bye everyone!" I called to the rest of the crew that was still hanging around.
"Bye Tre." I said.
He nodded. "Night Ava."
Mike waved as well and we set off for the hotel. I hooked my hand around his arm and we walked back in silence. I knew he wanted to ask me about Tre and me, and I knew he knew that he wanted to ask but we didn't talk about it. I was grateful for his company and I told him so as he dropped me at my door.
"Night Ava." He said winking at me before disappearing into his own room. I sighed and opened my own door plopping down on the bed. I knew the lies were going to catch up with me sooner or later, but I hope it was later rather than sooner. And I knew I could trust Mike not to butt in, it was just hard accepting the fact that the first person to know about me and Tre was not my sister; she was always the first person to hear about everything.
I shed my coat and changed into my pajamas wishing the smoke and the beer smell in my hair would just go away. This vacation had not really turned out like I planned. I was cursing the world for a third time when I heard a soft knock on my door. I was tempted to let Tre in, but I was still a little irritated and the buzz I had only enhanced the amount of guilt I felt. I knew he would be pissed, but I didn't want to see him and I couldn't bring myself to open the door. I heard him whisper my name and knock one last time before giving up and scoffing off.
The next morning at breakfast I was met with an icy stare from across the table. I had woken up late and hurried to meet up with the gang for breakfast, but as I feared Tre was indeed angry at me. I tried to ignore it but I couldn't. Afterwards the guys were given a small window of free time before the departure into the next city and Adrienne and Billie Joe scampered off immediately, Mike also left wanting to check out a few gift shops, and before long Tre and I were the only two still sitting at the table.
"What the fuck was that all about last night?" he asked looking up from his plate.
I acted dumb, hoping he wouldn't catch on. "What?" I responded.
"Don't give me that shit, Ava. I came back from the bar almost right after you did. I know you heard me knocking; your light was still on." He whispered angrily.
"I feel really guilty Tre, REALLY guilty. And I think we're getting too wrapped up in this." I responded leaning across the table.
He looked confused. "What are you talking about?"
"Mike knows. He doesn't have to say anything but I know he does. I don't know, I just think we should take a break for awhile and get our bearings." I mumbled pathetically.
"You flew across the damn ocean to take a break from me? For fuck's sake, Ava. I think you're the ones that confused, but alright, we can take a break." He said leaning back in his chair and giving me another cold stare.
"Tre, don't act like a sarcastic bitch, please. I want to hang out and I want to spend time with you, but I'm just worried this is going to blow up in our faces." I reasoned reaching for his hand, but he pulled it away and crossed his arms over his chest.
"You're the one who wanted to keep this a secret in the first place." He mumbled.
My jaw dropped open. "Excuse me? I wasn't alone on keeping this from everyone. And I don't see you running up to Adrienne and everyone else to tell them the truth!" I responded, my voice rising.
He quickly shushed me. "You're right. But you know why." He said quietly.
"Yeah, I do. We have good reasons for wanting to keep this secret, but the more I think about it the shittier I feel. She's going to be so hurt." I said putting my head in my hands. "I think we're being selfish."
He sighed but didn't say anything. I looked back up into his eyes and frowned.
"I don't like it either, Ava." He finally said leaning across the table to whisper. "But here we are."
"I'm going back to my room." I replied standing up and pushing my chair in. "Talking to you is like banging my head against a fucking wall." I said before turning around and walking towards the door.
"It's a good thing we only fuck then, huh?" he replied sarcastically.
"Real mature." I muttered but I know he didn't hear me; I was already out the door.
That night Adrienne and I watched from backstage as the guys played. I couldn't get the sour look off my face and I knew it wouldn't be long before Adrienne would notice.
"Something wrong, kid?" she asked as Billie Joe launched into 'St. Jimmy'.
I tried to keep calm. "No, I'm just tired and feeling a little sick after drinking too much last night." I answered.
I watched as Tre made faces at the crowd and I smiled to myself.
"Maybe that's it... you do look a little sick." She replied shifting her focus back to the stage.
Tre glanced over to where we were standing and winked. I hadn't talked to him since breakfast, but watching him play always made me a little hot.
"Things good with you and BJ?" I asked leaning against Adrienne slightly.
She nodded. "Yeah, it's nice having a small break from the kids. But I miss them and so does he."
I nodded. "Ever think about having more kids?" I questioned.
I think I caught her off guard because she turned to look at me oddly.
"We were trying for another baby two Christmases ago when all of the fighting started up again, and then he got busy with the album and Joey got pneumonia, blah blah blah, and we just kind of stopped talking about it. I'm not sure he wants another one anyway, I think I was mainly the one pushing for it." She answered in a strange voice.
"I'm not sure why I asked you that." I admitted.
She smiled down at me. "You're very random sometimes." She teased.
"Love you."
"Love you too."
Awhile later the guys finished up their set and we ran outside to the cars waiting to take us back to the hotel. I sat scrunched up against Tre in the backseat of one car with Billie Joe and Adrienne.
"You're so gross." I teased Tre, trying my best to lean against Adrienne rather than him.
He smiled evilly at me before leaning over and rubbing his sweaty face all over my cheek and my neck.
"YUCK!" I exclaimed trying to lean against Adrienne who was scolding me to sit still right before Billie Joe mimicked Tre's actions by rubbing his sweaty head all over Adrienne's bare arms and neck.
"YUCK!" she yelled seconds after I did.
We giggled as the guys continued their assault trying to fend them off.
"Next time we're taking our own damn car back to the hotel!" she announced shoving at Billie Joe's chest. He just laughed and took a long sip of water.
I glanced up at Tre and for a moment I let myself get lost in his eyes, forgetting about our fight and my worries from earlier.
"We going out tonight?" Adrienne asked after a moment of silence.
I broke eye contact with Tre and glanced at her; she was giving me a weird look.
"How about a hotel room par-tay?" Tre said wiggling his eyebrows.
"I'm all about that shit." Billie Joe agreed. "We can get drunk and disorderly and then fuckin' pass out in the same place."
Adrienne laughed. "Sounds like a plan."
Awhile later we were all gathered into Billie Joe and Adrienne's room playing a drinking card game called Waterfalls, which I wasn't entirely sure how to play; hence the reason I was getting so drunk. I gave up awhile later, wandering outside on the deck to have a smoke and get some air. Moments later I heard the balcony door open and close as someone else joined me on the deck; I turned to see Tre coming towards me with a beer in his hand.
"Hey." I greeted him.
He smiled and leaned against the railing. "Get sick of the game?" he asked.
I blew a stream of silvery smoke out into the cool air and nodded. "I don't think I know how to play and I was getting pissed."
He nodded. "There are a lot of rules to remember, which is hard when you're piss ass drunk." He replied.
He was eyeing my cigarette so I offered him one but he declined. "I could use a joint though." He mused out loud.
"No shit." I replied.
We didn't say anything for a few minutes as I enjoyed the last puffs of my cigarette and he drank his beer. I glanced inside and noticed that no one was paying attention to us so I turned to him studying his profile; his eyes were fixed on something in the distance.
"Sorry about earlier." I said stepping a step closer to him.
He turned to me with an unreadable expression and watched as I took another daring step towards him.
"That's alright." He shrugged turning so his side was leaning against the railing.
"It sort of made it real to me that we are doing something wrong last night when Mike couldn't even bring it up to talk to me about it. And I flew 23 hours to fuck you, maybe that is a little extreme." I admitted.
"I'm glad you're here." He replied.
"I bet." I teased poking his chest with my finger.
He smirked. "No really. I'm glad you flew all this way... even if it just was to fuck me. I like when you're around."
I stared into his eyes for a moment before smiling. "Me too, Tre. Me too."
Hours later I felt his hand brush my ass lightly as he walked by me on his way to the door. I waited exactly ten minutes before faking a yawn and saying goodnight to everyone. The only person who paid me any sort of attention was Mike; and that was only to give me a knowing look. I shrugged at him and he smirked, returning to the conversation he was having on his cell phone with Sidney. I stepped out of the room and walked just a few doors down, I found myself giggling when I didn't even have to knock; he just pulled me inside and pressed me against the wall.
His mouth crashed against mine, a welcomed sensation after not having properly kissed him in weeks. I pushed him away only once to lead him to the bedroom where he obediently sat on the edge of the bed and pulled me into his lap.
"I've been waiting for this." I whispered into his ear moments later as he turned off the light next to the bed. I felt him smile and pull me closer before he pushed me over on to the bed and covered my body with his own.
My new favorite place: Australia.
I had just got done taking a hellacious Calculus exam and all I wanted to do was go home, drink some vodka and take a hot bath. I was happy in the fact that it was Thursday, which meant I had no more classes for the week AND it was the start my spring vacation; I had a seven day vacation from exams and classes. That alone made me smile. As I waved goodbye to a fellow classmate and slid into my car I heard my cell phone chirping next to me, telling me I had a new voicemail. I had two voicemails in fact. The first one was from my boyfriend, Jack, sending me well wishes and promising that I did well on my exam. I smiled as I went on to the next message; I loved how he always made me feel better. Calculus really was my worst subject, and even though he had to get up for work the next day he had spent all of last night helping me go over past assignments, guaranteeing that I would pass.
The smile vanished from my face when the next voicemail I received was from Adrienne about 20 minutes earlier; she was crying and I could hardly understand what she was saying. I quickly dialed the house.
"Hello?" Adrienne whimpered into the phone.
"What's wrong babe?" I asked throwing my car into reverse and quickly exiting the parking lot.
Upon hearing my voice she started to cry all over again. It made my heart ache to hear my sister in such anguish and not really knowing the reasons why.
"I'll be there in 15 minutes, ok? Don't go anywhere." I calmly replied to all of her attempts to form a clear sentence through her sobs.
I hung up the phone after she mumbled something and then the line went dead. I threw my cell phone on the seat next to me and pressed my foot harder on the accelerator. I knew only one thing could make my sister cry like that; Billie Joe.
I reached their house shortly after and I walked right in without knocking. Billie Joe was sitting at the kitchen table with his head in his hands, but when I entered the room he brought his head up to look at me. He looked angry and miserable all at the same time, his green eyes dark and clouded.
"What the hell is going on?" I demanded hands on my hips.
"She's upstairs." He simply said glaring up at me.
"Are you two fighting again?" I asked when he didn't say anything else.
He nodded and then placed his head back in his hands.
I left it at that; Billie Joe and I had gotten into some pretty heated arguments as of lately but today I didn't feel like getting into it with him, especially when my sister was upstairs and needed me.
I quietly knocked on their bedroom door, which was partially open. Adrienne emerged from the closet with a handful of clothes in her hands.
"Ava, I'm fed up with his fucking shit." She said upon seeing me standing in the doorway of the bedroom.
"I know, Adi, how about you come stay with me tonight?" I asked helping her fold a few shirts before shoving them into an overnight bag. "You need a break."
"I'm going to leave him." She calmly replied, looking me dead in the eyes.
I stared back into the familiar eyes of my sister, completely stunned. I knew they had been having problems for awhile and they have had some horrible fights, but she's never talked about leaving him. I didn't know it had gotten this bad.
"Alright, you'll come stay with me and we'll figure this all out." I replied following her into her bathroom where she grabbed a few things. Shoving them into her bag she slung it over her shoulder and turned to look at me.
"We can't fix this." She insisted, her eyes distraught and tired.
"You're upset, babe, and that's ok. We'll eat some ice cream and we'll bitch until the sun comes up." I answered. "Let's not make any hasty decisions."
I knew she was angry and she always said things she didn't mean when she was angry so it was just easier to pacify her by listening and agreeing. I followed her down the stairs and dreaded the confrontation that was bound to take place between her and Billie Joe. He was still sitting at the kitchen table when she came storming into the room, me close on her heels.
"I'm going to stay with Ava for awhile. The boys are with your mother for the night, do you think you can manage to pick them up tomorrow after school?" she asked coldly.
He nodded miserably. "I'll be in the studio for the afternoon but I can after that."
"OF COURSE YOU'LL BE IN THE FUCKING STUDIO!" she yelled suddenly, causing me to jump and Billie Joe to cringe.
"Adrienne, what would you like me to do?" he asked shrugging his shoulders.
"We have a commitment, we can't just fucking abandon this album because you're unhappy."
I grimaced. Jesus, that was a poor phrasing of words. No wonder she was pissed; men always have such a way with words.
"As far as I'm fucking concerned YOU can shove that fucking album up your ASS, Billie Joe." Adrienne replied heatedly.
I knew this wasn't going to get us anywhere. "ALRIGHT, we're leaving!" I intervened grabbing her arm and pulling her towards the door. I knew my sister well enough to know that she would scream at him for hours and hours with him screaming back and get absolutely nowhere. It was best to walk away.
Billie Joe didn't say another word but Adrienne mumbled all the way to the car, I caught bits and pieces; hearing words like 'worthless' and 'bastard'. The drive to my apartment was filled with nothing but her sniffles and sobs. The more she cried the more I hated Billie Joe even though I knew he wasn't entirely to blame; it was just a natural reaction. My sister could be stubborn and bitchy; and she could hold a grudge like it was going out of style. I knew all of this because she and I are very similar in our habits and traits. I sighed; this year had turned out to be really shitty one and it was only March.
An hour later we were both in our pajamas, a tub of ice cream between us, spoons systematically delivering the treat to our mouths. We were watching old episodes of 'Roseanne', occasionally chuckling to ourselves.
"I should call the boys." She finally said after a long of silence.
I wordlessly passed her the cordless phone and listened as she pretended to be happy for the boy's sake. That made my heart ache even more. She hung up and passed the phone back to me so I could place it back on the charger.
"How come they spent the night over there tonight? Don't they have school tomorrow?" I asked.
"It's Grandparents Day at Joey's school tomorrow and Ollie thought it would be nice to spend some extra time with both of the boys." She mumbled through the ice cream in her mouth.
"You gonna tell me about the fight?" I asked, finally biting the bullet.
"Same shit, different fucking day." She replied turning to look at me. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying.
"I thought things were better since January?" I asked, setting my spoon down and muting the television.
She turned away, her eyes fixed on the screen. "He's a different person, Ava, I can't explain it any better than that. Ever since the guys have started to work out their differences with this fucking album he's been different. It consumes him and he doesn't give a shit about anything else."
"I know the past year and a half have been shitty because of the fighting between the guys, but back in January you hashed everything out and he promised to pull his head out of his ass. What happened to that?" I responded reaching over to wipe a few tears off her face.
"He was better for awhile, but he's constantly in that fucking studio. You know, it's not like he's never recorded or never been gone before, but he's never physically been home and mentally been gone before. That kills me. I mean, I have needs and we have two sons who need their dad. He's just being selfish and my GOD is he moody." She explained, her voice came out a little strained as she closed her eyes. "And I know I'm not perfect, but I deserve to be treated better than this. He just keeps pushing me away."
I saw the tears start to fall behind her closed eyelids.
"Come here, Adi." I said moving the ice cream out of the way and pulling her against me.
She sobbed into my arms for awhile before deciding she had exhausted herself and just wanted to go to bed.
My roommate had graduated and moved out in January leaving me a two bedroom, two bathroom loft apartment all to myself, which meant I had plenty of space for visitors. It was in these moments I was glad I lived alone; I had lots of privacy. I led Adrienne to the spare bedroom and tucked her in.
"Sorry for ruining your night, Ava." She mumbled.
"Shut up." I said playfully. "I'll always be here for my big sister." I said before kissing her cheek and turning off the light.
I wandered back out in the living room and sighed, picking up the phone and dialing Jack's number.
"Hey." I replied when he answered.
"Hey you, how was your exam?" he asked. "I'd thought you'd call sooner."
"I know, I'm sorry. The exam was alright, but the real fun came after I got out of the test." I said sarcastically.
"Why, what happened?" he asked, concern creeping into his warm voice.
"Billie Joe and Adrienne had another big fight." I answered sinking deeper into the couch.
"Everything come out alright?" He questioned.
"It's pretty bad. She actually said she wanted to leave him when I went to pick her up."
He was silent for a moment. "That's awful, Ava." He finally mumbled.
"She's put up with a lot of shit over the years."
I felt comfortable discussing all of this with Jack because he had been around when the onslaught of the fighting came on. And he was always willing to listen and lend advice, being almost 30 himself he'd gone through a lot of shit in his life.
"Want me to come over?" he asked.
I entertained the idea for a moment. "Nah, Adrienne's spending the night here. Maybe a few days, you know, girl time." I responded. "But I'll call you soon."
"I understand." He replied. "I would hate to interfere with that." He joked.
I laughed. "I love you." I replied.
"Love you too. Bye."
I hung up and closed my eyes. On top of my concern for my sister I was also dealing with the possibility of a long distance relationship. Jack and I had been dating since last April and things had really been going well, but last month Jack was offered a really great job opportunity in New York. He worked as an architect for a company located in San Francisco, but they were expanding and planning on opening a branch in New York City, wanting Jack to head up the company. It was such a great opportunity for him and I was happy, but at the same time I was feeling selfish in not wanting him to go. I had two semesters more to go after I finished this one, and with my scholarship there was no way I could pick up and move to New York right now. I hated the thoughts of only being able to see him on long weekends and breaks, and then whenever he flew in. We hadn't really discussed it in great detail, but I couldn't blame him for being excited and wanting to take the job.
I got up and made sure all of the doors were locked before heading out on the deck for one last cigarette. I was looking forward to the week ahead of me; I had a week off from work seeing as how the University was closed until next Monday, and I was hoping to spend some down time with Jack, but I was willing to put all of that aside for Adrienne; she was priority one.
The next morning I awoke to the sound of someone pounding on the apartment door. Glancing over at my bedside clock I groaned when it said 6:30. Someone was going to pay for waking me up at the butt crack of dawn on my first day of spring break. The pounding didn't cease as I made me my way through the living room.
"WHAT?" I yelled throwing the door open.
I stood face to face with a very drunken looking Billie Joe and an apologetic looking Tre.
"Oh good, the peanut gallery is here." I muttered sarcastically.
"Ava, sorry it's so early but Billie Joe REALLY wants to see Adrienne. He fucking woke me up at 5 this morning, bugging me until I finally agreed to drive him over here." Tre mumbled. He looked sleepy and miserable, just as I probably did.
I glanced at Billie Joe who hadn't said anything since I opened the door.
"That true?" I asked, eyebrow raised. "You think you can come strolling over here this early and just expect her to forgive you?"
"I want to see my wife." He slurred. "Adrienne."
"I'm glad you clarified for me. I wasn't sure which sister you were referring to." I replied, sarcastically.
Billie Joe stumbled back and Tre reached out to stand him back up.
"Alright, come in." I motioned, stepping aside praying they hadn't woken up any of my neighbors.
"She's that way Romeo." I said pointing in the direction of the spare bedroom.
He mumbled something and then sort of stumbled, leaning against the hallway wall as he walked. I watched him disappear through the door and then heard a large belch echo off the walls. I'm sure she enjoyed being greeted by that lovely noise.
I turned to look at Tre who looked positively attractive in his black t-shirt and wrinkled jeans so early in the morning. Every time I saw him I always got a funny feeling in the pit of stomach, which made me feel guilty immediately after because I had been dating Jack for almost a year now and he didn't even give me that much of a tingle.
"Was he staying at your house?" I asked confused.
"No, apparently he started drinking when she left last night and then he got this idea in his head that he needed to see her so he started calling my house around 4 and kept it up until 5... and finally Claudia threatened to kick me out if I didn't take care of it. We drove around for awhile, I knew if I showed up here at 5 you'd have my head." Tre replied chuckling. "So we got coffee and donuts and here we are. And at least he didn't drive drunk!"
"Yes let's praise him for his good choices." I answered sarcastically.
I turned my head when I heard their raised voices coming from down the hall and rolled my eyes.
"I wish they would just solve this once and for all. Both of them are so fucking stubborn." I said.
Tre nodded as he yawned. "Fuck I'm tired, can I crash on your couch?" he asked.
"They'll keep you awake if you stay in here. Come on." I replied, grabbing his hand and leading him across the apartment to where my bedroom was.
"You can sleep in here if you promise to be good." I teased before breaking into a yawn myself.
He graciously climbed into my bed. "Scouts Honor." He replied holding up three fingers. "Ohh fuck, Ava, your bed is to die for." He mumbled from underneath my down comforter.
I giggled and climbed in next to him. I never gave a second thought to offering for him to sleep in my bed; this guy was like my brother. The memory of the hot tub discussion popped into my head but I wasn't embarrassed; he knew I was serious about Jack but there was no need to lie I AM attracted to him. But it wasn't an issue for us; it wasn't like I was dying to sleep with him. So how come I couldn't stop smiling as I drifted off to sleep with him by my side? And how come Jack never crossed my mind?
I woke up a few hours later feeling a little more rested. I was very surprised to see that Tre was sleeping so close to me as I rolled over on my back. I had a king size bed, it wasn't like he didn't have any room. Maybe he was one of those people that gravitated towards whoever else is was in the bed. Either way I didn't mind that he was this close to me, and was slightly angry with myself for that realization.
I looked at his sleeping form and smiled a little. I looked up at the ceiling and then looked back a moment later, jumping a mile when I realized that two very blue eyes were staring back at me.
"It's rude to stare." He admonished stretching his arms over his head.
"I was worried you were drooling on my favorite pillow." I responded.
He grinned at me.
"Gonna make me breakfast, kid?" he asked.
"What the fuck does this look like? A bed and breakfast?" I replied. "And besides you should make me breakfast. This is the first day of my spring vacation and you ruined it."
He laughed. "You're right, I should make you breakfast." He thought for a moment before fixing his bright blue eyes on me once again. "How about I go fix us up some CEREAL?"
I rolled my eyes. "Men." I muttered to myself before throwing back the covers and heading for the door. "Such useless mammals." I said turning back around to see him watching me.
"Where you going?" he questioned.
"To see if Billie Joe and Adrienne are both alive. And if they're not then my sister will need help hiding the body." I replied smiling back at him.
Tre laughed as I opened the door and walked across the apartment. I listened at the door and when I didn't hear anything I carefully pushed the door open. I stuck my head in and just as quickly pulled my head back and shut the door again, giggling to myself.
I padded back to the kitchen where Tre was standing looking through my cupboards.
"Well? Any bloodshed?" he asked.
I shook my head. "I think they made up." I giggled again.
Tre's eyebrow rose in curiosity. "Oh yeah? How do you know?"
"Because they're naked and all tangled together... sleeping like babies. A sight I NEVER want to see again." I responded.
He laughed. "They fuck like rabbits. Christ, I swear they fight like this to just to get some good sexual tension going and then they go at it for hours."
"HEY! Tre have some compassion, that's my SISTER. I don't need to hear things like that." I scolded cringing.
Tre shrugged. "It doesn't bother me any." He replied pulling a gallon of orange juice out of the refrigerator and bringing it up to his mouth.
"Use a glass!" I said grabbing one out of the cupboard and thrusting it into his hand.
He shrugged again. "I don't need one." But he obliged and poured some into a glass.
"You're worse than Joey and Jakob." I mumbled taking eggs out of the fridge.
"Ohhh, omelets?" Tre questioned eyeing the eggs.
"No, I was thinking french toast." I laughed at the look of disappointment on his face.
"If you want an omelet so bad you make one."
"How about I take you out to breakfast?" Tre asked.
"We can't just leave them here." I responded motioning to the spare bedroom.
Tre looked confused. "Why? They probably just went to bed a little while ago anyway. We have time."
"You're right. I deserve breakfast out." I said nodding my head once for good measure. "Let me change into some jeans." I scurried out of the room to change.
March 7th, 2005
I turned up My Chemical Romance's "Helena" really loud as I danced around packing my suitcase and double checking to make sure I had everything. I was very excited that I would be accompanying Adrienne to visit the guys on tour in Australia for the week of my spring vacation. I hadn't seen them since a week after Billie Joe's birthday because of their hectic schedules and their overseas tour preparation.
I had spoken to Tre on the phone a few times, but every time we tried to get somewhere with phone sex someone would walk in on his end and I would end up being "Aunt Fannie" or "Uncle Stew"; it was frustrating. I couldn't wait to get there and see him.
I know Adrienne was also excited, not only because she hadn't seen him for awhile but because the boys were staying behind with grandma; meaning some alone time for the two of them. I could tell she felt guilty as I arrived at her house the following day. She kept kissing their heads as they pouted and continued to beg to go with us.
"Be good for your grandma, ok?" Adi was saying, her eyes sad.
"And don't hide from her; you know how that makes her nervous!" I added winking at Jakob.
He smiled up at me innocently. "We'd never do that aunt Ava." He responded, crossing two fingers behind his back inconspicuously.
Adrienne was still rambling off instructions and numbers when our taxi arrived and I practically had to drag her into the car.
"We'll be fine, go, have fun! And give my baby a kiss for me!" Ollie called gathering her two grandsons to her side as they waved and called out "I love you" one last time.
Adrienne rolled down her window as we drove away waving and calling out various things. She held my hand tightly as we drove to the airport, but once we got there she seemed to be more excited than anything; although she did call home before we got on the plane to remind the boys one last time to feed the dog.
It was a long flight and all the while Adrienne was asleep next to me I kept envisioning Tre and those warm lips of his. I couldn't wait to be in his arms. But as I glanced at my sister I felt really guilty. She assumed I was going for the scenery and to spend some time with her, when in fact I was mainly going to fuck her husband's best friend; the Godfather of her children. I was so torn between the pleasure Tre brought and the guilt I felt whenever I walked away from him and faced Adrienne afterwards. I leaned my head against the back of my seat and sought peace in the phrase 'what she doesn't know can't hurt her', but I knew the aftermath of her findings would be devastating; and I wasn't sure how you could put back the pieces of a trust that had never been broken. I really was selfish, I thought miserably. I should just walk away from him, but the damage had already technically been done and I found myself addicted to his touch.
When we arrived at the airport we were escorted back to the hotel; the guys hadn't arrived yet from Brisbane so we checked into our separate rooms and I fell asleep immediately, not having slept more than a few hours on the plane. I woke up awhile later when I felt a warm hand on the side of my face. I cracked an eyelid to see Tre sitting next to me on the bed, smiling.
"Hey beautiful." He whispered smoothing pieces of hair out of my face.
I sat up immediately and wrapped my arms around his neck, burying my face in his chest. "Hey." I finally said after a moment.
He wrapped me closer to him in his arms and held me. "How was your flight?" he asked.
I shrugged. "It was long. I thought about you a lot." I responded still feeling sleepy, but also feeling that tingle inside me that only Tre seemed to produce.
"Oh yeah? Any good thoughts?" he whispered huskily into my ear.
I pulled back and ran my hands over his face. "Yeah, I managed to think of a few things that only served to make the fucking flight take longer." I complained, smiling all the while.
"I see." He mumbled.
"I like the facial hair." I said touching his cheeks and chin.
"This is the masterpiece of me being fucking lazy." He said smirking.
I giggled. "You did good for once." I answered.
I watched as his eyes searched mine for a moment before he leaned in and tenderly kissed me on the mouth. I wasn't prepared for a kiss like this. Usually when we hadn't seen each other for awhile we launched right into some very satisfying sex, and then we talked and cuddled afterwards... if we had time.
"Wanna take a nap with me?" he asked pulling away and staring at me with those big blue eyes.
I nodded, unable to say anything. He didn't even remove his button down shirt or jeans as he crawled across the bed and laid down, pulling me against him. I rested my face against his chest as he sighed and pulled me closer.
I felt a small ounce of panic rise in my stomach. I could handle the emotional repercussions of meaningless sex and close encounters; it was fun and reckless, but I couldn't handle the cuddling and the soft words; that was a whole other stage of reckless I wasn't prepared for. There was no way Tre and I could find ourselves in a serious relationship... no way.
I woke awhile later to an empty bed and felt almost relieved, but somewhere deep inside I felt sad. It was shit like cuddling and promises that encouraged that sadness inside of me to come out when he went away. I didn't want disappointment and attachments; this wasn't a serious relationship. He could sleep with who he wanted to and I could sleep with who I wanted to. But in all honesty I hadn't slept with anyone else since Tre and I started up our fling in October. I didn't want to let myself believe that he was all that I needed, but I hadn't found anyone else attractive since my break from Jack and my transition into Tre.
I changed my t-shirt and combed my hair, feeling a little refreshed as I went in search of Adrienne. I knew the guys had a show that night, but I was hoping maybe we could go out afterwards and get some drinks or something. I knocked on Adrienne and Billie Joe's hotel room door and moments later Adi answered. We decided we would skip the show tonight and rest a few more hours, get ready, and then wait for them to get back. So after another nap and a shower I wandered back down to her room again to see if she was ready.
"Billie mentioned something about a bar that was recommended to him by the front desk before he left." Adrienne was saying as she applied her eyeliner later that night.
I sat on the counter of the bathroom watching her paint her eyes; the same eyes that I saw every time I looked in the mirror. We looked quite similar except I kept my hair dyed blonde with brown and red highlights. I was a little shorter than she, and also blessed with a well endowed chest. My hips weren't as prominent as hers, after all she did give birth to two kids, but I could fill out a pair of jeans, and I surely wouldn't blow away in the wind like some of these floozies living in Hollywood.
"I'm glad you came with me." She said looking at me before pushing a curly strand of hair out of my face.
"Me too, Ad. I'm glad to take a break from school and spend some time away. I feel like my head is going to explode with all of this fucking pressure... and graduation, Christ." I muttered.
She smiled. "I'm proud of you, kid." She said sweetly leaning over to kiss my cheek.
I smiled back. "I'm proud of you too." I replied honestly.
She furrowed her eyebrows together. "What do you mean?" she asked curiously.
"It takes a strong woman to put up with all of this shit. You know, your husband being gone all the time, being in the limelight, and raising two sons mostly on your own. I couldn't do it, Adi, I'm proud of you. I've never told you that but I am."
She smiled and leaned over. "He's worth it." She whispered winking.
I nodded. "I know he is. And I knew Jack wasn't worth trying to keep our relationship alive cross country. We weren't mean to be." I admitted a little bitterly.
"I've never heard you say that out loud, Ava." She replied looking at me through the mirror as she applied another coat of mascara. "Even after it was over."
"I know but it's true. When I spent all that time in New York City last summer I just felt like it was in vain. He is so great, but he's not my type. I need someone who is fun and has some spirit to him; Jack was boring and safe. I don't know, I need someone who can keep me on my toes. I want a bad boy." I said laughing at my own confession.
She laughed too. "We'll find you someone." She assured me. "And I agree, Jack was nice and he was mom's dream come true, but Jesus he was stuffy. You need someone who likes to live a little."
I giggled again. "Want to know a secret? He ironed his jeans."
Her eyes widened. "No!" she insisted. "Tightass!"
I nodded and we continued laughing until we heard the door open and a very sweaty Billie Joe pop his head into the bathroom.
"What are you two laughing about?" he asked suspiciously.
Adrienne waved her hand at her husband. "Girl stuff." She said winking at me.
"Glad I wasn't here." He replied. "Ready to get going after we all get showers?" he asked.
I nodded and hopped off the counter giving them the privacy they needed.
"Meet in the lobby in 20 minutes?" Billie Joe asked as I headed past him towards the door.
"Sounds good." I replied.
I grabbed my jacket from my room, fixed my hair, and then headed down to the lobby a little early. Tre was the first to arrive, looking very clean and freshly shaven.
"Hey Ava, sorry about earlier." He said dropping a quick kiss on my lips before backing away and sitting in a chair across from me.
"It's okay, I figured you needed to get out of there." I responded looking up as Mike made his way over to us.
"Hey kid." He said planting a kiss on my cheek and sitting down next to me.
"Hey Mikey. How was the show?" I asked looking at both of them.
"It was awesome; the crowd was cool as hell." Mike answered smiling.
"That's good. Here comes Billie Joe and Adrienne, should we go?" I asked standing up.
We ended up being able to walk to the bar because it was so close. When we got there an alternative band was performing and I immediately warmed to the cozy atmosphere and the good music filling the room. We sat down at a large table in the back, waiting for some of the crew to get there. Adrienne and I ordered a pitcher of margaritas, not wanting to start right out with beer. I sat next to Tre and across from Mike who looked pretty damn smug sitting there staring at the two of us. We both noticed and tried to act casual as we greeted the rest of the people arriving. After a few margaritas I was starting to loosen up a little; I had been feeling tense after the flight and the guilt wasn't helping any. Adrienne and Billie Joe got up to dance to a slow song leaving Tre, Mike, and I at our end of the table to talk.
"I wish Sidney was here." I called over the table to Mike as I lit my cigarette and blew the smoke upward. "I feel like I'm always saying that."
"Business." Mike muttered. Not only was Mike traveling all the time, but so was Sidney; and they could never seem to get their schedules to coexist. He was looking a little bitter as he drained his bottle of beer and started on another one.
"It's okay, Mikey, you'll be back in the States soon enough and it'll be easier to see her." I assure patting his hand.
I felt Tre's hand daringly rest on my thigh, and I couldn't stop myself from smiling a little. Mike continued to whine as I concentrated on Tre's hand crawling farther up my thigh.
"She wants to have a threesome, you know?" Mike was saying as I forced myself back to the conversation.
Jesus, I did miss a chunk of the conversation. "Huh?" I asked.
Tre smiled. "You know, a threesome isn't a bad idea. Maybe a foursome."
"Every night is a threesome for you: you, your porno tape, and your hand." I responded looking up at him. God he smelled good.
His eyes danced with amusement as he put his arm over the back of my chair; disappointing me and my happy thigh.
"I'm serious lets have a threesome." He insisted looking at me. I just rolled my eyes.
"Hey, don't be including my girlfriend in your threesome thoughts." Mike said waving a finger at Tre.
"I was thinking more along the lines of us three." Tre responded pointing at Mike and me.
This caused me to start giggling and Mike looked amused as well.
"We already tried that, remember Pookie?" Mike joked wagging his eyebrows at Tre.
"WHAT?" I questioned setting my beer down on the table with a thud and glancing at Tre who was looking sheepish and avoiding eye contact at all costs. I glanced back over to Mike who leaned back against his chair and waited for Tre's reply. "WHAT?" I repeated.
"THAT was a VERY long time ago!" Tre finally responded.
My mouth dropped open as I looked back and forth between the two of them.
"You mean you guys... " I couldn't even begin to wrap my brain around it. "I mean, I've always thought you guys are a little touchy feely and you joke around about having sex with each other... .but you actually slept together?" I asked leaning my elbows on the table and looking at Tre.
"Billie Joe too." Tre replied shrugging his shoulders.
My mouth dropped open in amazement again. "WHAT. Oh God, please, that's my brother-in-law." I said plugging my ears and shuddering a little.
"Adrienne never told you any of this?" Mike asked, his face a truly bright shade of red.
"NO!" I exclaimed. "When? Where? I want some fucking details." I demanded. "Pun intended." I added, grinning.
Tre glanced at Mike and they both looked pretty uncomfortable.
"OH COME ON, you are NOT shy about your sexuality!" I exclaimed looking at Tre again. "You've told me you've messed around with OTHER guys, but you failed to mention that you and Mike, or you and Billie Joe, or... " I couldn't finish my sentence and I waited for them to say they were joking, but I could tell they weren't.
Tre shrugged taking a long sip of his beer.
"It was a LONG time ago." He assured me and Mike agreed nodding his head.
I glanced over at Adrienne who was still engrossed in Billie Joe.
"That's fucking hot." I said looking back over at Tre and Mike.
They both started laughing and I leaned into Tre's side because his arm was still around my chair.
"Next time I want to watch." I joked and with that we let the subject die, but I intended to bring it back up later. Especially to Adrienne.
A few hours later I was a little buzzed and ready to head back to the hotel for a night cap. Tre had moved down a couple seats as he and Jason were enthralled in some deep conversation about pogo sticks, and he was not noticing the urgent looks I was directing him. Adrienne and Billie Joe cut out early because Billie Joe was 'tired'; lucky bitch, she was getting some action, which was precisely what I flew here for. Mike was sitting across from me still drinking a beer, silently observing me.
"Ready to head back?" he asked after awhile.
I nodded. "I'm tired."
"Want me to walk you back?" he offered.
I glanced at Tre and realized he was a lost cause because he was still deeply involved in whatever he and Jason were discussing.
"You don't mind?" I asked.
"No, I'm tired too." He replied standing up and pulling his coat on.
"Thanks Mike." I replied gratefully.
"We're leaving." I called to the other end of the table. Tre jerked his head up, surprised.
"Leaving, already?" he asked confused.
"It's late, we're tired." I summed up. I was a little irritated that we had spent maybe fifteen minutes together since we got to the bar. And I was also a little irritated that I was irritated with him; flings are supposed to be fun and noncommittal and here I was expecting more than I deserved. Tre looked at me for a moment, noticing my conflicted emotions.
"I'll walk you back." He offered.
"No, you stay and have fun. Mike offered to walk with me, he's tired too." I said shoving my cigarettes in my purse. "Bye everyone!" I called to the rest of the crew that was still hanging around.
"Bye Tre." I said.
He nodded. "Night Ava."
Mike waved as well and we set off for the hotel. I hooked my hand around his arm and we walked back in silence. I knew he wanted to ask me about Tre and me, and I knew he knew that he wanted to ask but we didn't talk about it. I was grateful for his company and I told him so as he dropped me at my door.
"Night Ava." He said winking at me before disappearing into his own room. I sighed and opened my own door plopping down on the bed. I knew the lies were going to catch up with me sooner or later, but I hope it was later rather than sooner. And I knew I could trust Mike not to butt in, it was just hard accepting the fact that the first person to know about me and Tre was not my sister; she was always the first person to hear about everything.
I shed my coat and changed into my pajamas wishing the smoke and the beer smell in my hair would just go away. This vacation had not really turned out like I planned. I was cursing the world for a third time when I heard a soft knock on my door. I was tempted to let Tre in, but I was still a little irritated and the buzz I had only enhanced the amount of guilt I felt. I knew he would be pissed, but I didn't want to see him and I couldn't bring myself to open the door. I heard him whisper my name and knock one last time before giving up and scoffing off.
The next morning at breakfast I was met with an icy stare from across the table. I had woken up late and hurried to meet up with the gang for breakfast, but as I feared Tre was indeed angry at me. I tried to ignore it but I couldn't. Afterwards the guys were given a small window of free time before the departure into the next city and Adrienne and Billie Joe scampered off immediately, Mike also left wanting to check out a few gift shops, and before long Tre and I were the only two still sitting at the table.
"What the fuck was that all about last night?" he asked looking up from his plate.
I acted dumb, hoping he wouldn't catch on. "What?" I responded.
"Don't give me that shit, Ava. I came back from the bar almost right after you did. I know you heard me knocking; your light was still on." He whispered angrily.
"I feel really guilty Tre, REALLY guilty. And I think we're getting too wrapped up in this." I responded leaning across the table.
He looked confused. "What are you talking about?"
"Mike knows. He doesn't have to say anything but I know he does. I don't know, I just think we should take a break for awhile and get our bearings." I mumbled pathetically.
"You flew across the damn ocean to take a break from me? For fuck's sake, Ava. I think you're the ones that confused, but alright, we can take a break." He said leaning back in his chair and giving me another cold stare.
"Tre, don't act like a sarcastic bitch, please. I want to hang out and I want to spend time with you, but I'm just worried this is going to blow up in our faces." I reasoned reaching for his hand, but he pulled it away and crossed his arms over his chest.
"You're the one who wanted to keep this a secret in the first place." He mumbled.
My jaw dropped open. "Excuse me? I wasn't alone on keeping this from everyone. And I don't see you running up to Adrienne and everyone else to tell them the truth!" I responded, my voice rising.
He quickly shushed me. "You're right. But you know why." He said quietly.
"Yeah, I do. We have good reasons for wanting to keep this secret, but the more I think about it the shittier I feel. She's going to be so hurt." I said putting my head in my hands. "I think we're being selfish."
He sighed but didn't say anything. I looked back up into his eyes and frowned.
"I don't like it either, Ava." He finally said leaning across the table to whisper. "But here we are."
"I'm going back to my room." I replied standing up and pushing my chair in. "Talking to you is like banging my head against a fucking wall." I said before turning around and walking towards the door.
"It's a good thing we only fuck then, huh?" he replied sarcastically.
"Real mature." I muttered but I know he didn't hear me; I was already out the door.
That night Adrienne and I watched from backstage as the guys played. I couldn't get the sour look off my face and I knew it wouldn't be long before Adrienne would notice.
"Something wrong, kid?" she asked as Billie Joe launched into 'St. Jimmy'.
I tried to keep calm. "No, I'm just tired and feeling a little sick after drinking too much last night." I answered.
I watched as Tre made faces at the crowd and I smiled to myself.
"Maybe that's it... you do look a little sick." She replied shifting her focus back to the stage.
Tre glanced over to where we were standing and winked. I hadn't talked to him since breakfast, but watching him play always made me a little hot.
"Things good with you and BJ?" I asked leaning against Adrienne slightly.
She nodded. "Yeah, it's nice having a small break from the kids. But I miss them and so does he."
I nodded. "Ever think about having more kids?" I questioned.
I think I caught her off guard because she turned to look at me oddly.
"We were trying for another baby two Christmases ago when all of the fighting started up again, and then he got busy with the album and Joey got pneumonia, blah blah blah, and we just kind of stopped talking about it. I'm not sure he wants another one anyway, I think I was mainly the one pushing for it." She answered in a strange voice.
"I'm not sure why I asked you that." I admitted.
She smiled down at me. "You're very random sometimes." She teased.
"Love you."
"Love you too."
Awhile later the guys finished up their set and we ran outside to the cars waiting to take us back to the hotel. I sat scrunched up against Tre in the backseat of one car with Billie Joe and Adrienne.
"You're so gross." I teased Tre, trying my best to lean against Adrienne rather than him.
He smiled evilly at me before leaning over and rubbing his sweaty face all over my cheek and my neck.
"YUCK!" I exclaimed trying to lean against Adrienne who was scolding me to sit still right before Billie Joe mimicked Tre's actions by rubbing his sweaty head all over Adrienne's bare arms and neck.
"YUCK!" she yelled seconds after I did.
We giggled as the guys continued their assault trying to fend them off.
"Next time we're taking our own damn car back to the hotel!" she announced shoving at Billie Joe's chest. He just laughed and took a long sip of water.
I glanced up at Tre and for a moment I let myself get lost in his eyes, forgetting about our fight and my worries from earlier.
"We going out tonight?" Adrienne asked after a moment of silence.
I broke eye contact with Tre and glanced at her; she was giving me a weird look.
"How about a hotel room par-tay?" Tre said wiggling his eyebrows.
"I'm all about that shit." Billie Joe agreed. "We can get drunk and disorderly and then fuckin' pass out in the same place."
Adrienne laughed. "Sounds like a plan."
Awhile later we were all gathered into Billie Joe and Adrienne's room playing a drinking card game called Waterfalls, which I wasn't entirely sure how to play; hence the reason I was getting so drunk. I gave up awhile later, wandering outside on the deck to have a smoke and get some air. Moments later I heard the balcony door open and close as someone else joined me on the deck; I turned to see Tre coming towards me with a beer in his hand.
"Hey." I greeted him.
He smiled and leaned against the railing. "Get sick of the game?" he asked.
I blew a stream of silvery smoke out into the cool air and nodded. "I don't think I know how to play and I was getting pissed."
He nodded. "There are a lot of rules to remember, which is hard when you're piss ass drunk." He replied.
He was eyeing my cigarette so I offered him one but he declined. "I could use a joint though." He mused out loud.
"No shit." I replied.
We didn't say anything for a few minutes as I enjoyed the last puffs of my cigarette and he drank his beer. I glanced inside and noticed that no one was paying attention to us so I turned to him studying his profile; his eyes were fixed on something in the distance.
"Sorry about earlier." I said stepping a step closer to him.
He turned to me with an unreadable expression and watched as I took another daring step towards him.
"That's alright." He shrugged turning so his side was leaning against the railing.
"It sort of made it real to me that we are doing something wrong last night when Mike couldn't even bring it up to talk to me about it. And I flew 23 hours to fuck you, maybe that is a little extreme." I admitted.
"I'm glad you're here." He replied.
"I bet." I teased poking his chest with my finger.
He smirked. "No really. I'm glad you flew all this way... even if it just was to fuck me. I like when you're around."
I stared into his eyes for a moment before smiling. "Me too, Tre. Me too."
Hours later I felt his hand brush my ass lightly as he walked by me on his way to the door. I waited exactly ten minutes before faking a yawn and saying goodnight to everyone. The only person who paid me any sort of attention was Mike; and that was only to give me a knowing look. I shrugged at him and he smirked, returning to the conversation he was having on his cell phone with Sidney. I stepped out of the room and walked just a few doors down, I found myself giggling when I didn't even have to knock; he just pulled me inside and pressed me against the wall.
His mouth crashed against mine, a welcomed sensation after not having properly kissed him in weeks. I pushed him away only once to lead him to the bedroom where he obediently sat on the edge of the bed and pulled me into his lap.
"I've been waiting for this." I whispered into his ear moments later as he turned off the light next to the bed. I felt him smile and pull me closer before he pushed me over on to the bed and covered my body with his own.
My new favorite place: Australia.
