You're My Little Secret, chapter 6
In the morning I vaguely remember Frankito coming in around dawn and crawling on the bed begging for Tre to watch cartoons with him. I heard Tre groan next to me and then I felt him quickly pull the blanket up around me, since I was only wearing my bra and underwear. He placed a kiss on my temple and whispered, "Go back to sleep" as Frankito dragged him by the hand out of the room. I rolled over and snuggled into Tre's pillow, it was still warm and smelled like him which lulled me right back to sleep.
Around noon I cracked one eye open and looked around confused as to why I was alone in Tre's bed. I sat up as quickly as my hung over head would allow and felt panic rise in my stomach. Tre and I had only slept together once at his house and that was when Claudia was out of town; how were we supposed to explain me sleeping in his bed even if I was crashing over because I was drunk? I knew Claudia would tell Adrienne; not because she meant to but at some party it would get brought up casually and Adrienne would fillet Tre and disown me... I could see it now.
After locating my jeans and throwing on one of his T-shirts I slowly and quietly walked down the stairs, stopping when I got to the bottom to listen for voices. The only thing I heard was the sound of cartoon voices coming from the living room. I peered around the corner to see Tre and Frankito, both in their pajamas, lying on their stomachs with their heads in their heads in their hands watching TV at a dangerously close proximity.
"Haven't you ever heard you can ruin your eyes sitting that close?" I teased.
Tre looked up at me and smiled. "Good morning. Or afternoon, actually."
I smiled at Tre and then turned my attention to his brown eyed little boy. "Hey Frankito. What are you watching?" I asked smiling over at him.
He grinned up at me. "We're watching Scooby Doo." He replied quickly looking back at the television.
"Ohhh. I like Scrappy Doo the best." I commented.
Frankito shook his head. "He's not in this one."
Tre stood up. "I'm going to go talk to Ava, you stay here and be a good boy." Tre said kissing Frankito's head and walking towards me.
He took my hand and pulled me out into the kitchen sitting down on a stool and pulling me to stand between his legs, wrapping his arms around my waist.
"You were up early this morning." I commented, running my fingers across the stubble that was coming in on his upper lip.
"Tell me about it! It was like 6:45... I'm dragging ass already." He complained.
"Poor baby." I cooed running my fingers through his hair and looking around. "Where is Claudia anyway?"
"She went to a day spa with one of her friends from work. She won't be back until late."
I nodded. "Does she know about us?" I asked quietly.
He looked up at me and frowned. "She knows you stayed over."
I sighed. "She's going to tell Adrienne." I said regretfully.
"Oh well, Ava, Mike will back up our story. We'll just tell her you got drunk and you crashed here. No big deal."
"Yes, we'll just tell my sister I crashed in your BED, that'll go over real well. And I'm not asking Mike to lie, I just won't." I snipped backing away from him.
He sighed and ran his hands through his hair. "What do you want to do?" he asked.
"I want this whole situation to go away." I answered turning around and heading for the stairs. "I'm going to get my stuff."
I was on the floor looking under his bed for my shirt when I heard the bedroom door slam and I looked up to see a very heated looking Tre.
"What the hell does that mean?" he asked putting his hands on his hips. I didn't really think it was fair for him to expect me to take him seriously considering he was wearing Daffy Duck boxers, but I would try anyway.
"Have you seen my shirt?" I asked ignoring his apparent frustration.
"Don't do that, don't fucking evade my questions. I hate when you do that." He growled walking into his closet and coming out with my shirt in his hand and throwing it at me.
"Thank you." I said shedding his shirt and putting my own back on. He was still standing in front of me waiting for some sort of response.
I sighed and ran my hands through my tangled hair. "What do you want to do?" I asked. "Do you want to keep seeing me? Do you want to keep lying?"
"You know we could tell them the fucking truth; it's not like we don't have that option." He insisted. "Jesus Christ, Ava, what do you think they're going to do? Yeah, Adrienne will be pissed for a while but she'll get over it."
I laughed sarcastically. "Oh that's sweet Tre but I think we're far beyond telling the truth." I answered. "I think the damage has been done."
He groaned in frustration and sat down on the edge of his bed. "Is this your way of blowing me off, Ava? I'm leaving for another long tour in a week, overseas no less; I won't be back until the middle of July. Is this your way of telling me it's over?" He asked quietly.
I sighed. "Wouldn't that be for the best, Tre? I mean, what if we just stopped all of this? No one would ever have to know and this guilt that we walk around with might just go away. Wouldn't that be for the best?" I asked walking over to him and touching his arm. "
His face fell a little and I felt my stomach lurch at the realization that this isn't really what I wanted either.
"If this is what you want... If you're just going to give up then I'm not going to fight you." He mumbled standing up and heading for the door. "Ready to go?" He asked.
"Tre, come on. Don't be angry at me, eventually it would have had to end, right? We might as well get out while we can."
He didn't answer but nodded sadly and then turned around to leave.
I stood in the middle of his room staring at the doorway he had just walked out of it and I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that this conversation was going to haunt me. I knew I may very well have just thrown away something I could never get back and that scared me. Was I making a huge mistake? When I broke up with Jack it had felt right, not like this; not empty and callus. I sighed and slowly walked out of his bedroom and towards the stairs.
August 15th, 2004
"Yeah, Manhattan is great... Miss you too... Happy birthday again Mom." I said smiling into the phone. "Love you too. G'bye." I placed the phone back on the receiver and glanced over at Jack. "She says hello and thank you for the package; she loved the gift certificates."
Jack looked up from his drawings on the kitchen table and grinned. "Good." He replied simply, pushing his glasses farther up on his nose. I watched in frustration as he reached for his cell phone and called his colleague, Greg, for about the sixteenth time that morning. I listened for about a half a second as he muttered about insufficient something or another before I tuned him out, busying myself on my laptop answering emails.
I sent an email to Mike, telling about him about a great new book I had just finished and was just about ready to email Sidney when the intercom buzzed, signaling we had company.
"Are you expecting anyone?" Jack asked walking over to the intercom.
"Nope." I replied, curious as to who might be visiting on a Sunday morning.
Jack pressed the button. "Yes,"
"HI, is Ava home?" I giggled and felt butterflies in my stomach when I heard the unmistakable voice of Tre bouncing through the walls of Jack's very pristine penthouse.
"Someone for you." Jack said, as though I wasn't present when the exchange took place.
"Thank you." I muttered sarcastically.
I jumped off the couch and made my way towards the door as Jack buzzed Tre up. I opened the door and found myself enveloped in one of Tre's bear hugs.
"HEY!" he said when we finally pulled away from each other.
"What are you doing here?" I asked in amazement as I pulled him further into the apartment.
"I'm visiting Ramona, thought I would pop in and see what the fuck you've been doing." Tre answered enthusiastically. "You look good." He commented looking me over casually, his eyes straying a little too long on the plunging neckline of my shirt.
"Thanks, so do you." And I wasn't lying.
I watched Jack frown and make his way over. "Hello Tre, great to see you again." Jack said sticking his hand. Tre shook it politely. "Same here."
"I can't believe you're here." I said happily. "I miss the hell out of everyone back home."
Jack frowned again. "I keep telling you that you should go visit again, Ava." He said impatiently.
We all heard the unmistakable ring of his cell phone start up again. "Excuse me." He said hurrying over to the kitchen table where he had left it. "Yes Greg, yes... "
I turned back to Tre who was scanning the apartment with his eyes. "Jesus, this place is like a museum." He commented. "Let's break something!"
I giggled. "No, but let's go get some lunch or something. I'm dying to catch up with you. Or did you eat already?" I asked.
He shook his head. "No, I thought we would grab a bite, if you were home that is."
"Great. Let me say good-bye to Jack and we can go."
"He won't want to come?" Tre asked curiously.
I shrugged. "Maybe he can catch up with us later."
The truth was I was getting a little sick of Jack's endless dedication to his job and his attachment to his cell phone, I think he pressed the buttons on that thing more than he pressed mine. Besides I was looking forward to spending some quality time away from the apartment with an old friend.
"Jack, Tre and I are going out for some lunch." I said strolling over to where he was standing and interrupting his conversation.
He looked up in surprise, covering the mouthpiece of his cell phone. "Oh, OK. Will you be home for dinner?" he questioned.
I shrugged. "I'll call you." I said before planting a kiss on his cheek and grabbing my purse from the front hall.
"Let's go!" I said grabbing Tre's arm and leading him from apartment.
Once on the street we decided we both had a craving for really good pizza so we decided on a small restaurant a few blocks away.
"So Adrienne sent you?" I said taking a sip of my shake and grinning at his uneasy look.
"Well, no, not exactly... I said I would like to see you and she might have made mention of you possibly needing the company of an old stud like me." He responded taking a bite of his breadstick and grinning.
"I'm glad you came over. How is Ramona?" I asked.
He got a goofy grin on his face, just like he always did when you brought up either of his kids. "Good. She's just amazing; smart and beautiful. Just like her Mom." He responded.
I nodded. "I always liked Lisea. How is she doing?"
"She's doing well; her company is really taking off. And she's seeing someone named Tim who Ramona really seems to like." He answered, his voice sounding a little sad at the last part.
I reached across the table and touched his hand. "No one can ever take your place, Tre." I reminded him. "Your daughter loves you... AND she thinks you're pretty fucking cool."
He nodded. "I know I'm just being a pussy. I'm happy Lisea found someone, she deserves to be happy. It's just that sometimes I wish things had worked out between us... Everything might have been a little easier on Ramona."
I frowned. "Your daughter loves you unconditionally, and now that she's getting older she understands what happened a little better. And you know the thing with Lisea... Someone people just aren't meant to be." I replied shrugging. "Just chalk it up to that."
He took a sip of his drink, watching me over the rim of the glass as I helped myself to another breadstick.
"So you moved all the way to New York City for the summer to be with this guy... Are you marrying him?" Tre asked. "Are you two meant to be?"
"Adrienne tell you to work that into the conversation?" I teased. "She keeps asking me the same damn question."
He shook his head. "Inquiring minds want to know, kid." He paused. "She also mentioned when she visited you a couple weeks ago that you seemed different, not a good different, and she took that to mean you weren't happy. Whether it be because you're not in California or because of Jack. Either way she was pissed... Raving on about some 'promise' you made to her in May." He said waving his hands around in the air and imitating Adrienne's ranting voice.
I didn't answer right away because our pizza came but when our waitress walked away I smirked. "I know what promise she's talking about, and yes I sort of broke it. But she encouraged me to come out here... You all did." I said helping myself to the cheesiest piece of pizza on the platter.
"I never encouraged you." Tre insisted licking sauce of his finger. "I think this guy has a stick up his ass."
"Hey, watch it Mr. Cool. That's my man you're talking about." I teased kicking him a little under the table.
"So are you happy?" he asked eyeing me as he helped himself to another slice of pizza.
"No, not particularly." I answered shrugging. "But the sex is great and you know just as well as I do that good sex can keep a relationship going far after it's died."
He chuckled quietly. "I forgot how straight forward you are sometimes. I was convinced, well actually I was hoping, I was going to have to tie you down and spank you until you told me the truth." He said wagging his eyebrows.
I giggled. "I have no reason to lie. But I would still like you to tie me down and spank me." I replied leaning over to wipe off a piece of cheese that was hanging from his chin.
He smirked. "I'll take you over my knee right now." He said suggestively rubbing the top of his thighs.
I laughed again. "Fuck, I never thought I would say this... But I missed you. How did that happen?" I joked.
He shrugged. "I'm irresistible."
"Yeah, that must be it." I said smiling back at him.
"So you're coming home then?" He summed up.
I nodded. "By the end of this week... I'm dumping him tonight. I can't handle being on the East Coast anymore, and we would never work. He needs someone who is boring and doesn't require a lot of his attention." I replied.
"You're too high maintenance." Tre teased.
"Nothing wrong with that, just means I'm high quality." I grinned.
"That you are, Ava that you are."
***
The car ride back to retrieve my car was awkward at best. I kept looking over at him while he drove, hands gripping the steering wheel tightly, his eyes covered by his sunglasses but he never looked back at me.
Frankito talked endlessly from the back-seat about the neighbor's dog or something, I wasn't really paying attention to him; my mind was elsewhere. Tre half heatedly would talk back to him, but I could tell he could have given a shit about the damn dog.
When we got to the bar he put the car in park and I sat there gripping my purse and staring straight ahead. A few minutes earlier Frankito's ramblings had turned into murmurs as he drifted off to sleep as he so often did when you put him in a car. And without Frankito talking we were left in silence, the tension consuming both of us.
"I don't want to get out of the car." I whispered turning to look at Tre.
He didn't say anything in response so I reached over and took off his sunglasses tucking them down the front of his shirt. He frowned and looked a little irritated but I didn't think it was because I touched his favorite sunglasses.
He still hadn't said anything so unfortunately for him I began rambling. "Because if I get out of the car it's over, that's it. And I know I said back at your house that I want it to be over but I don't mean I want you and me to be over I just want there to be some resolution, some sort of sign that we should keep going. And I'm confused, and you're probably confused because I keep changing my mind and... "
"AVA." Tre said slamming his hand against the steering wheel and then quickly flinched and looked into the back-seat to see if he woke up Frankito. "Stop rambling."
His sudden outburst surprised me and I wondered suddenly if I had pushed him too far away and if I was wasting my time here. Without another word I grabbed for the door handle and got out, quietly closing the door behind me. I felt tears start to burn my eyes as I fumbled around in my purse for my keys, managing to drop the damn things on the pavement. I was about to unlock my car door when I heard Tre's door open and him curse quietly to himself.
I paused and waited as he walked over, his hands buried into the pockets of his torn jeans. He stopped right in front of me and leaned against my car preventing me from being able to get in even if I wanted to.
"This is fucked up." He mumbled finally looking up at me with those blue eyes of his that on more than one occasion had caused my knees to go weak.
"I'm sorry." I replied leaning forward without warning and burying my face into his T-shirt as the tears that had hung in my eyes fell against the soft cotton of his shirt. "Fuck, I don't know why I'm crying." I half laughed half hiccupped as he pulled me closer and dropped his chin on my shoulder.
"Don't cry." He mumbled as I held on to his waist for dear life, pinning him against my car.
"I'm so sorry, Tre." I said, my words sounding muffled against his T-shirt. "For everything."
"I know, baby. I know and it's not your fault." He said rubbing his hands up and down my back. "I'm sorry I snapped at you."
I could have stayed in his arms forever, but unfortunately we heard Frankito cry out through the driver side door, which Tre purposely left open so he could hear if his son woke up.
He sighed into my hair and I wasn't sure if it was going to be physically possible for me to let go of him and I'm pretty sure he was thinking the same thing.
"Will you come over later when Claudia gets home?" I asked. "I want to talk about this. All of it."
He nodded in a silent agreement and I think he knew that was the only way I was willing to release him from my death grip.
I pulled away a little and touched the wet spots on his T-shirt and laughed a little as he wiped away a few stray tears off my cheeks with his thumb.
"You're too beautiful to cry." Tre mumbled kissing my wet cheek. "Especially over me." He added grinning.
Frankito cried out again. "Go." I said touching his face once again before he kissed my palm and turned to walk back. "I'm coming little man!" he called to his son.
I slid into my car and sat there for a moment, wondering when everything became so emotionally complicated. It seemed like just recently I couldn't hold a steady thought for more than three seconds without quickly changing my mind, and then changing it again landing back where I initially started. It was maddening.
At 1:30 that morning when he still hadn't shown up I gave up on the notion that he was coming over. I dragged myself off the couch and turned off the lights in my apartment, trying to ignore the nagging feeling in my stomach, the one guaranteeing I wasn't going to get any sleep tonight. I trudged into the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth as I mentally acknowledged the fact that I had fucked up a really good friendship in the process of all of this. I changed into an oversized T-shirt and slid between the cool sheets of my bed and sighed. Fuck, I missed him already.
December 23rd, 2004
"What did you ask for from Santa this year?" I asked as Tre and I lay tangled together in my bed.
He yawned and pulled me closer. "You." He mumbled closing his eyes.
I was aware that it was 4 in the morning and he was probably tired, hell I was tired, but I just couldn't get enough of him. We had just made our way home from Mike's annual Christmas party and he had ended up coming back to my place after dropping Claudia, his date for the evening, off. My date had been my very dear and very queer friend Brian; he hadn't been hard to get rid of.
"Don't fall asleep yet." I whispered placing feathery kisses on his jaw and throat.
He mumbled something incoherent but smiled sleepily, leaning into my kisses.
"Hmm?" I responded, reveling in the feel of his fingers caressing my bare back.
"This is going to be complicated." He said, this time more clearly.
"What do you mean?"
"I'm going to fall in love with you and then I'll be fucked." He murmured rolling over on his side to face me.
I traced the lines of his abdomen with my fingers and giggled. "You can't fall in love with me." I replied.
"Oh yeah and why's that?" he asked brushing my long bangs off my face.
"Cuz I won't love you back." I teased kissing his nose. "I refuse to fall in love with any musician, drummer or otherwise."
"That's too bad." He responded chuckling. "We could have had something good."
"We DO have something good." I clarified. "We shouldn't ruin this with conversations about love. That's too complicated." I insisted.
"Whatever you say, Ava." He mumbled before pressing his lips to mine one last time before he murmured, "Goodnight."
I stayed awake a long time after he fell asleep, listening to his gentle breathing and trying to figure out why I was lying to Adrienne. I guess I mainly didn't want to tell her because there was nothing to share; Tre and I were just sleeping together, something that I didn't feel necessary to broadcast to the entire world. Had I been madly in love with him and we started dating then it would have turned into a problem, I would have been keeping a secret from my sister? I had no intention of falling in love with this man; he was an incredible friend and a spectacular lay but as I told him I had no intention of ending up with a musician, it just wasn't in the cards.
***
It was 4 in the morning and I was still awake wondering how the hell I managed to make such a mess of everything. I reached for my phone and dialed a familiar number. I sighed in relief when I got his voicemail, I would have hated to wake him up at this ungodly hour. "Hey Mike, it's Ava, I was just wondering if I could steal you away for an hour tomorrow... Maybe grab lunch? It's kind of important. Call me, OK? Bye."
I needed to talk to someone sane, pronto.
Around noon I cracked one eye open and looked around confused as to why I was alone in Tre's bed. I sat up as quickly as my hung over head would allow and felt panic rise in my stomach. Tre and I had only slept together once at his house and that was when Claudia was out of town; how were we supposed to explain me sleeping in his bed even if I was crashing over because I was drunk? I knew Claudia would tell Adrienne; not because she meant to but at some party it would get brought up casually and Adrienne would fillet Tre and disown me... I could see it now.
After locating my jeans and throwing on one of his T-shirts I slowly and quietly walked down the stairs, stopping when I got to the bottom to listen for voices. The only thing I heard was the sound of cartoon voices coming from the living room. I peered around the corner to see Tre and Frankito, both in their pajamas, lying on their stomachs with their heads in their heads in their hands watching TV at a dangerously close proximity.
"Haven't you ever heard you can ruin your eyes sitting that close?" I teased.
Tre looked up at me and smiled. "Good morning. Or afternoon, actually."
I smiled at Tre and then turned my attention to his brown eyed little boy. "Hey Frankito. What are you watching?" I asked smiling over at him.
He grinned up at me. "We're watching Scooby Doo." He replied quickly looking back at the television.
"Ohhh. I like Scrappy Doo the best." I commented.
Frankito shook his head. "He's not in this one."
Tre stood up. "I'm going to go talk to Ava, you stay here and be a good boy." Tre said kissing Frankito's head and walking towards me.
He took my hand and pulled me out into the kitchen sitting down on a stool and pulling me to stand between his legs, wrapping his arms around my waist.
"You were up early this morning." I commented, running my fingers across the stubble that was coming in on his upper lip.
"Tell me about it! It was like 6:45... I'm dragging ass already." He complained.
"Poor baby." I cooed running my fingers through his hair and looking around. "Where is Claudia anyway?"
"She went to a day spa with one of her friends from work. She won't be back until late."
I nodded. "Does she know about us?" I asked quietly.
He looked up at me and frowned. "She knows you stayed over."
I sighed. "She's going to tell Adrienne." I said regretfully.
"Oh well, Ava, Mike will back up our story. We'll just tell her you got drunk and you crashed here. No big deal."
"Yes, we'll just tell my sister I crashed in your BED, that'll go over real well. And I'm not asking Mike to lie, I just won't." I snipped backing away from him.
He sighed and ran his hands through his hair. "What do you want to do?" he asked.
"I want this whole situation to go away." I answered turning around and heading for the stairs. "I'm going to get my stuff."
I was on the floor looking under his bed for my shirt when I heard the bedroom door slam and I looked up to see a very heated looking Tre.
"What the hell does that mean?" he asked putting his hands on his hips. I didn't really think it was fair for him to expect me to take him seriously considering he was wearing Daffy Duck boxers, but I would try anyway.
"Have you seen my shirt?" I asked ignoring his apparent frustration.
"Don't do that, don't fucking evade my questions. I hate when you do that." He growled walking into his closet and coming out with my shirt in his hand and throwing it at me.
"Thank you." I said shedding his shirt and putting my own back on. He was still standing in front of me waiting for some sort of response.
I sighed and ran my hands through my tangled hair. "What do you want to do?" I asked. "Do you want to keep seeing me? Do you want to keep lying?"
"You know we could tell them the fucking truth; it's not like we don't have that option." He insisted. "Jesus Christ, Ava, what do you think they're going to do? Yeah, Adrienne will be pissed for a while but she'll get over it."
I laughed sarcastically. "Oh that's sweet Tre but I think we're far beyond telling the truth." I answered. "I think the damage has been done."
He groaned in frustration and sat down on the edge of his bed. "Is this your way of blowing me off, Ava? I'm leaving for another long tour in a week, overseas no less; I won't be back until the middle of July. Is this your way of telling me it's over?" He asked quietly.
I sighed. "Wouldn't that be for the best, Tre? I mean, what if we just stopped all of this? No one would ever have to know and this guilt that we walk around with might just go away. Wouldn't that be for the best?" I asked walking over to him and touching his arm. "
His face fell a little and I felt my stomach lurch at the realization that this isn't really what I wanted either.
"If this is what you want... If you're just going to give up then I'm not going to fight you." He mumbled standing up and heading for the door. "Ready to go?" He asked.
"Tre, come on. Don't be angry at me, eventually it would have had to end, right? We might as well get out while we can."
He didn't answer but nodded sadly and then turned around to leave.
I stood in the middle of his room staring at the doorway he had just walked out of it and I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that this conversation was going to haunt me. I knew I may very well have just thrown away something I could never get back and that scared me. Was I making a huge mistake? When I broke up with Jack it had felt right, not like this; not empty and callus. I sighed and slowly walked out of his bedroom and towards the stairs.
August 15th, 2004
"Yeah, Manhattan is great... Miss you too... Happy birthday again Mom." I said smiling into the phone. "Love you too. G'bye." I placed the phone back on the receiver and glanced over at Jack. "She says hello and thank you for the package; she loved the gift certificates."
Jack looked up from his drawings on the kitchen table and grinned. "Good." He replied simply, pushing his glasses farther up on his nose. I watched in frustration as he reached for his cell phone and called his colleague, Greg, for about the sixteenth time that morning. I listened for about a half a second as he muttered about insufficient something or another before I tuned him out, busying myself on my laptop answering emails.
I sent an email to Mike, telling about him about a great new book I had just finished and was just about ready to email Sidney when the intercom buzzed, signaling we had company.
"Are you expecting anyone?" Jack asked walking over to the intercom.
"Nope." I replied, curious as to who might be visiting on a Sunday morning.
Jack pressed the button. "Yes,"
"HI, is Ava home?" I giggled and felt butterflies in my stomach when I heard the unmistakable voice of Tre bouncing through the walls of Jack's very pristine penthouse.
"Someone for you." Jack said, as though I wasn't present when the exchange took place.
"Thank you." I muttered sarcastically.
I jumped off the couch and made my way towards the door as Jack buzzed Tre up. I opened the door and found myself enveloped in one of Tre's bear hugs.
"HEY!" he said when we finally pulled away from each other.
"What are you doing here?" I asked in amazement as I pulled him further into the apartment.
"I'm visiting Ramona, thought I would pop in and see what the fuck you've been doing." Tre answered enthusiastically. "You look good." He commented looking me over casually, his eyes straying a little too long on the plunging neckline of my shirt.
"Thanks, so do you." And I wasn't lying.
I watched Jack frown and make his way over. "Hello Tre, great to see you again." Jack said sticking his hand. Tre shook it politely. "Same here."
"I can't believe you're here." I said happily. "I miss the hell out of everyone back home."
Jack frowned again. "I keep telling you that you should go visit again, Ava." He said impatiently.
We all heard the unmistakable ring of his cell phone start up again. "Excuse me." He said hurrying over to the kitchen table where he had left it. "Yes Greg, yes... "
I turned back to Tre who was scanning the apartment with his eyes. "Jesus, this place is like a museum." He commented. "Let's break something!"
I giggled. "No, but let's go get some lunch or something. I'm dying to catch up with you. Or did you eat already?" I asked.
He shook his head. "No, I thought we would grab a bite, if you were home that is."
"Great. Let me say good-bye to Jack and we can go."
"He won't want to come?" Tre asked curiously.
I shrugged. "Maybe he can catch up with us later."
The truth was I was getting a little sick of Jack's endless dedication to his job and his attachment to his cell phone, I think he pressed the buttons on that thing more than he pressed mine. Besides I was looking forward to spending some quality time away from the apartment with an old friend.
"Jack, Tre and I are going out for some lunch." I said strolling over to where he was standing and interrupting his conversation.
He looked up in surprise, covering the mouthpiece of his cell phone. "Oh, OK. Will you be home for dinner?" he questioned.
I shrugged. "I'll call you." I said before planting a kiss on his cheek and grabbing my purse from the front hall.
"Let's go!" I said grabbing Tre's arm and leading him from apartment.
Once on the street we decided we both had a craving for really good pizza so we decided on a small restaurant a few blocks away.
"So Adrienne sent you?" I said taking a sip of my shake and grinning at his uneasy look.
"Well, no, not exactly... I said I would like to see you and she might have made mention of you possibly needing the company of an old stud like me." He responded taking a bite of his breadstick and grinning.
"I'm glad you came over. How is Ramona?" I asked.
He got a goofy grin on his face, just like he always did when you brought up either of his kids. "Good. She's just amazing; smart and beautiful. Just like her Mom." He responded.
I nodded. "I always liked Lisea. How is she doing?"
"She's doing well; her company is really taking off. And she's seeing someone named Tim who Ramona really seems to like." He answered, his voice sounding a little sad at the last part.
I reached across the table and touched his hand. "No one can ever take your place, Tre." I reminded him. "Your daughter loves you... AND she thinks you're pretty fucking cool."
He nodded. "I know I'm just being a pussy. I'm happy Lisea found someone, she deserves to be happy. It's just that sometimes I wish things had worked out between us... Everything might have been a little easier on Ramona."
I frowned. "Your daughter loves you unconditionally, and now that she's getting older she understands what happened a little better. And you know the thing with Lisea... Someone people just aren't meant to be." I replied shrugging. "Just chalk it up to that."
He took a sip of his drink, watching me over the rim of the glass as I helped myself to another breadstick.
"So you moved all the way to New York City for the summer to be with this guy... Are you marrying him?" Tre asked. "Are you two meant to be?"
"Adrienne tell you to work that into the conversation?" I teased. "She keeps asking me the same damn question."
He shook his head. "Inquiring minds want to know, kid." He paused. "She also mentioned when she visited you a couple weeks ago that you seemed different, not a good different, and she took that to mean you weren't happy. Whether it be because you're not in California or because of Jack. Either way she was pissed... Raving on about some 'promise' you made to her in May." He said waving his hands around in the air and imitating Adrienne's ranting voice.
I didn't answer right away because our pizza came but when our waitress walked away I smirked. "I know what promise she's talking about, and yes I sort of broke it. But she encouraged me to come out here... You all did." I said helping myself to the cheesiest piece of pizza on the platter.
"I never encouraged you." Tre insisted licking sauce of his finger. "I think this guy has a stick up his ass."
"Hey, watch it Mr. Cool. That's my man you're talking about." I teased kicking him a little under the table.
"So are you happy?" he asked eyeing me as he helped himself to another slice of pizza.
"No, not particularly." I answered shrugging. "But the sex is great and you know just as well as I do that good sex can keep a relationship going far after it's died."
He chuckled quietly. "I forgot how straight forward you are sometimes. I was convinced, well actually I was hoping, I was going to have to tie you down and spank you until you told me the truth." He said wagging his eyebrows.
I giggled. "I have no reason to lie. But I would still like you to tie me down and spank me." I replied leaning over to wipe off a piece of cheese that was hanging from his chin.
He smirked. "I'll take you over my knee right now." He said suggestively rubbing the top of his thighs.
I laughed again. "Fuck, I never thought I would say this... But I missed you. How did that happen?" I joked.
He shrugged. "I'm irresistible."
"Yeah, that must be it." I said smiling back at him.
"So you're coming home then?" He summed up.
I nodded. "By the end of this week... I'm dumping him tonight. I can't handle being on the East Coast anymore, and we would never work. He needs someone who is boring and doesn't require a lot of his attention." I replied.
"You're too high maintenance." Tre teased.
"Nothing wrong with that, just means I'm high quality." I grinned.
"That you are, Ava that you are."
***
The car ride back to retrieve my car was awkward at best. I kept looking over at him while he drove, hands gripping the steering wheel tightly, his eyes covered by his sunglasses but he never looked back at me.
Frankito talked endlessly from the back-seat about the neighbor's dog or something, I wasn't really paying attention to him; my mind was elsewhere. Tre half heatedly would talk back to him, but I could tell he could have given a shit about the damn dog.
When we got to the bar he put the car in park and I sat there gripping my purse and staring straight ahead. A few minutes earlier Frankito's ramblings had turned into murmurs as he drifted off to sleep as he so often did when you put him in a car. And without Frankito talking we were left in silence, the tension consuming both of us.
"I don't want to get out of the car." I whispered turning to look at Tre.
He didn't say anything in response so I reached over and took off his sunglasses tucking them down the front of his shirt. He frowned and looked a little irritated but I didn't think it was because I touched his favorite sunglasses.
He still hadn't said anything so unfortunately for him I began rambling. "Because if I get out of the car it's over, that's it. And I know I said back at your house that I want it to be over but I don't mean I want you and me to be over I just want there to be some resolution, some sort of sign that we should keep going. And I'm confused, and you're probably confused because I keep changing my mind and... "
"AVA." Tre said slamming his hand against the steering wheel and then quickly flinched and looked into the back-seat to see if he woke up Frankito. "Stop rambling."
His sudden outburst surprised me and I wondered suddenly if I had pushed him too far away and if I was wasting my time here. Without another word I grabbed for the door handle and got out, quietly closing the door behind me. I felt tears start to burn my eyes as I fumbled around in my purse for my keys, managing to drop the damn things on the pavement. I was about to unlock my car door when I heard Tre's door open and him curse quietly to himself.
I paused and waited as he walked over, his hands buried into the pockets of his torn jeans. He stopped right in front of me and leaned against my car preventing me from being able to get in even if I wanted to.
"This is fucked up." He mumbled finally looking up at me with those blue eyes of his that on more than one occasion had caused my knees to go weak.
"I'm sorry." I replied leaning forward without warning and burying my face into his T-shirt as the tears that had hung in my eyes fell against the soft cotton of his shirt. "Fuck, I don't know why I'm crying." I half laughed half hiccupped as he pulled me closer and dropped his chin on my shoulder.
"Don't cry." He mumbled as I held on to his waist for dear life, pinning him against my car.
"I'm so sorry, Tre." I said, my words sounding muffled against his T-shirt. "For everything."
"I know, baby. I know and it's not your fault." He said rubbing his hands up and down my back. "I'm sorry I snapped at you."
I could have stayed in his arms forever, but unfortunately we heard Frankito cry out through the driver side door, which Tre purposely left open so he could hear if his son woke up.
He sighed into my hair and I wasn't sure if it was going to be physically possible for me to let go of him and I'm pretty sure he was thinking the same thing.
"Will you come over later when Claudia gets home?" I asked. "I want to talk about this. All of it."
He nodded in a silent agreement and I think he knew that was the only way I was willing to release him from my death grip.
I pulled away a little and touched the wet spots on his T-shirt and laughed a little as he wiped away a few stray tears off my cheeks with his thumb.
"You're too beautiful to cry." Tre mumbled kissing my wet cheek. "Especially over me." He added grinning.
Frankito cried out again. "Go." I said touching his face once again before he kissed my palm and turned to walk back. "I'm coming little man!" he called to his son.
I slid into my car and sat there for a moment, wondering when everything became so emotionally complicated. It seemed like just recently I couldn't hold a steady thought for more than three seconds without quickly changing my mind, and then changing it again landing back where I initially started. It was maddening.
At 1:30 that morning when he still hadn't shown up I gave up on the notion that he was coming over. I dragged myself off the couch and turned off the lights in my apartment, trying to ignore the nagging feeling in my stomach, the one guaranteeing I wasn't going to get any sleep tonight. I trudged into the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth as I mentally acknowledged the fact that I had fucked up a really good friendship in the process of all of this. I changed into an oversized T-shirt and slid between the cool sheets of my bed and sighed. Fuck, I missed him already.
December 23rd, 2004
"What did you ask for from Santa this year?" I asked as Tre and I lay tangled together in my bed.
He yawned and pulled me closer. "You." He mumbled closing his eyes.
I was aware that it was 4 in the morning and he was probably tired, hell I was tired, but I just couldn't get enough of him. We had just made our way home from Mike's annual Christmas party and he had ended up coming back to my place after dropping Claudia, his date for the evening, off. My date had been my very dear and very queer friend Brian; he hadn't been hard to get rid of.
"Don't fall asleep yet." I whispered placing feathery kisses on his jaw and throat.
He mumbled something incoherent but smiled sleepily, leaning into my kisses.
"Hmm?" I responded, reveling in the feel of his fingers caressing my bare back.
"This is going to be complicated." He said, this time more clearly.
"What do you mean?"
"I'm going to fall in love with you and then I'll be fucked." He murmured rolling over on his side to face me.
I traced the lines of his abdomen with my fingers and giggled. "You can't fall in love with me." I replied.
"Oh yeah and why's that?" he asked brushing my long bangs off my face.
"Cuz I won't love you back." I teased kissing his nose. "I refuse to fall in love with any musician, drummer or otherwise."
"That's too bad." He responded chuckling. "We could have had something good."
"We DO have something good." I clarified. "We shouldn't ruin this with conversations about love. That's too complicated." I insisted.
"Whatever you say, Ava." He mumbled before pressing his lips to mine one last time before he murmured, "Goodnight."
I stayed awake a long time after he fell asleep, listening to his gentle breathing and trying to figure out why I was lying to Adrienne. I guess I mainly didn't want to tell her because there was nothing to share; Tre and I were just sleeping together, something that I didn't feel necessary to broadcast to the entire world. Had I been madly in love with him and we started dating then it would have turned into a problem, I would have been keeping a secret from my sister? I had no intention of falling in love with this man; he was an incredible friend and a spectacular lay but as I told him I had no intention of ending up with a musician, it just wasn't in the cards.
***
It was 4 in the morning and I was still awake wondering how the hell I managed to make such a mess of everything. I reached for my phone and dialed a familiar number. I sighed in relief when I got his voicemail, I would have hated to wake him up at this ungodly hour. "Hey Mike, it's Ava, I was just wondering if I could steal you away for an hour tomorrow... Maybe grab lunch? It's kind of important. Call me, OK? Bye."
I needed to talk to someone sane, pronto.
