A Note Don't Come Easy, chapter 18
I got out of bed like a shot and ran to the door. I opened it up eagerly, my heart skipping beats. Billie Joe was standing there; with a big box wrapped up. What the fuck was that?
“Hi.� I managed to say, staring confusingly at the box he was standing next to.
I couldn’t take my eyes off of it. What the hell was it?
“Can I come in?� He asked, gesturing with his hand to go inside.
“Yeah sure.� I replied, still keeping my eyes on the box, which he picked up and brought inside.
I closed the door behind me and strolled behind him, as he walked into my room and propped the box up against the end of the bed. He groaned slightly in the weight of it. He stood back up, and saw me staring at it in confusion.
“Well, open I then.� He told me, smiling and brushing his hands clean on his jacket.
I pointed at myself in shock, not knowing what the hell to do. That was for me?!? I couldn’t believe it. I went ahead and opened it though, like he had told me to, not quite knowing what to expect. Billie Joe watched, beaming as I ripped the top half of paper off of the box. My heart collapsed inside, stopped working and restarted itself again. I looked up at Billie Joe, gob-smacked, shocked, surprised, excited, and thrilled all at the same time. A huge smile spread across his face, the one that only he could ever own. In mixed emotions I excitedly ripped the rest of the paper to reveal my new guitar – the blue Fender Jagstang I had seen in the shop Billie Joe had taken me to a couple of weeks ago. I didn’t know what to do. Billie Joe had just bought me a guitar. But not just any old guitar – A Fender Jagstang. My heart was literally in my throat. I lunged up from my crouching spot by the box and threw myself around him. I was speechless to say the least.
“Oh.my.god.� I cried. “Thank you so much. I don’t know what to say.�
“You don’t have to say anything.� Billie Joe told me, returning the hug, beaming still. “I’m glad you like it.�
“Like it?!� I screamed sarcastically in happiness. “I LOVE IT!!! I can’t thank you enough!�
I threw myself around him again because I still didn’t know what to do. My face was glowing with happiness and pride.
“I can’t believe you got me a new guitar!� I screamed out loud, trying to understand it all.
“It’s ok kid. I wanted you to have a new guitar for the final tomorrow.�
Kid. He called me kid! Now I was officially happy! I was jumping up and down inside, bursting with so much energy. I couldn’t grasp anything mentally. Oh.my.god. He had bought me a guitar!!! I wanted to grab him and kiss him hard, but I didn’t know whether to or not.
“You don’t know how fucking happy you’ve made me.� I told him, staring into his gorgeous green eyes.
Words could not describe what I was feeling right now – It was just all very new to me. Tears started to well up in my eyes, why was I always so fucking emotional?
“Hey,� Billie Joe smiled, holding me around him, realising my watery eyes. “It’s ok. I wanted to buy you one. You deserve one. Take it as a good luck present – not that you need it. What are you playing anyway?�
I looked up at him again, a smile spreading across my face at my secret.
“You’ll have to wait and see won’t you?� I teased, holding him tight.
“You not seriously going to make me wait until tomorrow are you?� He asked, frowning.
I nodded in agreement, cheekily smiling back to him.
“Wait, that’s not fair.� He playfully moaned, jigging me about in his arms like a mum does to her child.
“If I tell you, it will spoil the big surprise tomorrow won’t it?� I teased once again, moving my face closer towards his.
“Alright.� He cried, giving in. “You’ll just have to make it worth while. But it will be anyway, without my pathetic pleading.�
“I promise – it will be worth every penny you’ve spent on that guitar.� I told him, determined to blow his mind tomorrow.
He smiled shyly; taking my hint that he was going to be somewhat surprised tomorrow night.
“I’ll take your word for it.� He smiled down on me once again.
A surge of sudden ‘love’ ran through me – whatever you like to call love. No one ever knows what love is, its different for everyone. But right now, right here, I felt the closest to Billie Joe I had ever been. And I meant that. I would savour this moment forever.
“Well…� Billie Joe awkwardly said, interrupting our moment and the silence. “I better be getting back. I said I’d only be a little while, plus you need to sleep for tomorrow.�
At this rate, I would never be able to get to sleep. The excitement and thrill was all too much for me.
“Do you have to go?� I asked, pulling him back as he headed towards the door.
That had been the first time I had actually done something about wanting Billie Joe. I wanted him here, now, and to stay with me.
“I can’t stay.� He whispered, looking disappointed. “We can spend time together tomorrow evening, yeah?�
What he didn’t know was that I had had that already planned for him.
“Ok.� I replied, sadly. “Oh, Billie Joe…�
I called him, as he attempted to go out of the door again. He turned to look at me as I sighed deeply.
“Thanks.� I simply said, because that’s all that I could say.
There wasn’t a word to say thank you enough. I could never repay him back. Never.
“That’s ok kid.� He smiled, before disappearing behind the other side of the closing door.
* * * * * * * *
“Hi, how’s it going?�
I awkwardly shook hands with my rival finalist Jimmy, as we both waited outside in the lobby to be called in individually for our audition. I hadn’t had a lift from Green Day this morning, I didn’t want them to see my before the audition because it would just make me more nervous than I already was. I had been up since 6 this morning, practising the last few times before the audition. This would be the last time I ever had to do this. I was glad of it too. I was wearing my new black trouser style pants, with my black studied belt and my converse that had been worn day in, day out over the last year or so. My red and black tie that I had brought yesterday stood out against my black shirt. I looked like a guy, I know. But I felt confident in this. My eyeliner had been carefully applied; careful not to smudge it under my eyes otherwise I would end up looking stoned. For the first time in days, I had actually sat and done my hair properly. All the tiniest of details could earn or loose me marks. I was determined to make an impression. Jimmy smiled at me innocently.
“So…what are you going to play then?� He asked, his freckles on his cheeks beaming as he smiled.
“Why?� I asked, growing suddenly suspicious.
“I was just wondering.� He replied, shrugging his shoulders.
“What are you playing?� I asked him back, waiting for his reply.
“Not telling.�
“Would you have told me if I had told you mine?�
“Nope.� He said, again shrugging his slumped shoulders and laughing to himself.
Ok - this kid didn’t seem that innocent anymore. He was annoying. I could tell he was going to wind me up today.
“Do you think you’ll win?� He asked, pulling out a cigarette from his pocket.
What kind of a question was that?! What was he trying to do? Throw me into some kind of trap? How do you answer that without sounding too big headed?
“I don’t know.� I replied, not knowing what to say. “What about you?�
“My mum thinks I’ve got a good chance.� He smiled to himself, lighting his fag.
I stood back in shock, he was a bastard. What kind of a person asked and said things like this? I walked away from him and sat against a wall. I was so nervous, especially with this Jimmy guy around. He was a creep – he made me cringe. He wasn’t exactly making things easy for me was he?
“Do you smoke?� He asked, walking towards me.
I wish he would just go back to where he came from.
“Erm…no.� I replied, growing more suspicious by the minute.
“Too bad.� He mocked, putting his lighter away. “So…�
He was kind of pissing me off now. What was it with him and wanting to know every little detail about me?
“How desperate do you want to win this?� He asked, looking me straight in the eye.
“Quite desperate.� I choked, showing no emotion towards him.
“Is that it?� He mocked, laughing to himself. “Quite?�
Ok, my opinion had changed. He wasn’t kind of pissing me off. He WAS pissing me off and had succeeded.
“I’ve been a fan for ages.� Jimmy told me, looking out of the glass doors that were at the front of the studio.
“So have I.� I cried back, nastily.
There was no point in trying to be nice to him, he wouldn’t return the favour. Did he think I was just here for fun? Did he think I wasn’t a fan? He didn’t know anything about me.
“ What’s their albums in order then?� Jimmy asked me, smiling, thinking that he had caught me out. “Only a true fan knows that.�
I smiled to myself. God, now he was in for it. This was easy enough.
“1,039 Smoothed Out Slappy hours, Kerplunk, Dookie, Insomniac, Nimrod, Warning, International Superhits, Shenanigans, and American Idiot.� I told him, naming them and showing off a little.
“I knew it.� He laughed, sucking on his fag hard.
“Knew what?� I groaned, confused and suddenly scared that I had said something wrong.
“International Superhits isn’t an album.� He stated, being big headed.
And he had been a fan for how long?
“Yeah it is.� I cried back, putting him into place. “It’s got two tracks on it that aren’t on any other album, so therefore that makes it an album.�
“If you say so.�
He inhaled harshly again on his cigarette, his chest heaving out.
“Does your mum know you smoke?� I asked, kind of disgusted in the way he was breathing all the smoke onto me.
“What do you think I am?� He asked, putting the fag out by stepping on it. “Of course my mum knows. My mum knows everything. She’s the one who made me audition. If it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t be here today. My mum gives me everything I need and lets me do what ever I want. It’s not like I'm locked up all day or anything.�
I envied him so much. He didn’t know how lucky he was. I wanted to scream at him and tell him about my past, and how he should be grateful for what he has.
“What about your mum?�
“Erm…� I stammered, wanting to blurt the truth out but I didn’t because that would be telling him everything I didn’t want him to know. “My mum hates Green Day.�
I wanted to see how hard life was for me sometimes.
“Really?� He sounded surprised. “Does she know you’re here?�
“I…I really don’t know. If she does, there’s nothing she can do. She’s back in the UK.�
“No shit!� Jimmy laughed, staring at me still. “So who are you staying with now then?�
“With Gr - � I suddenly cut my self short. “With…great old me, myself and my…Green Day posters.�
God, that was too fucking close. I nearly gave myself away. I bit my lip as my nerves started to build up on me. When were they going to call us for the audition? I just wanted to get it done and over with – and get back to the hotel room with Billie Joe. Suddenly Toni waltzed through the doors that lead to the actual studio room, smiling at Jimmy as she approached us. I could tell that he was her favourite. She absolutely hated me, the fucking bitch. I hadn’t done anything to her except audition for this competition.
“Ok, Jimmy would you like to come in?� She beckoned to him as he eagerly jumped up and ran into the studio behind her.
The doors closed behind both of them, and silence filled the lobby. I looked on the floor next to me where Jimmy had been sitting, his cigarette squished against the clean crisp carpet that looked brand new. He had no respect for other people’s property. I sighed deeply and tried to calm myself down from feeling nervous. I sat and thought about the evening that awaited me after the audition – and Billie Joe. I know I sounded like a teenie, but I actually had a feeling that this time things would work. How many times had I said that though? I would drag him up to my room and make sure there were no distractions around us, or even near us. I was determined to make tonight work, for both of us. We were both filled up inside with so many emotions, and we needed to let it all go, sort everything out, and forget most of it. I strained to hear what was being said in the studio, when I heard Jimmy starting to play on his guitar. St.Jimmy. I should have known he would play that. His name was Jimmy, duh? I was so stupid. It was obvious that it was going to be that. Oh well. I really didn’t care. I had a 9-minute song to perform, now that surely would get one better than him.
* * * * * * * *
“Good luck.� Jimmy sarcastically called out to me as I walked into the studio.
Ok, now I was scared. This was the final. The fucking final. This was my last chance; I had to do my best. I couldn’t let Green Day down. I had dreamed about going to a Green Day gig for what seemed like ages, and now was my chance to prove that I deserved just that. Beneath all the shit and lies, I had been given a chance in this cruel world. I stopped at a halt and stood in front of all 5 judges – Toni, Igor, Billie Joe, Mike and Tre. As soon as I walked in Green Day looked up, kind of amazed at what I was wearing, Billie Joe in particular. I’m not trying to be big headed here either. I smiled confidently at Billie Joe, the Fender he had brought me last night clutched tightly in my hand. Tre gave me a thumbs up whilst Igor and Toni jotted down more notes. Well, Toni jotted down notes whilst Igor doodled on his pad, not paying any attention to me.
“Ok, when you’re ready.� Toni told me, less enthusiastic than she was with Jimmy.
Did she only like the opposite sex or something? What was her fucking problem? I grabbed a stool and sat perched on the edge, propping my guitar – my NEW guitar on my lap. Oh my god. This was it. This was the final – the least I had expected. I didn’t even think I would survive the first audition. To be honest, I don’t know how I had survived with judges like Toni and Igor constantly giving me a hard time and hating me. I looked at Billie Joe one final time, everything he had ever taught me flowing back into my mind. I took a deep breath before I played the first chord of The Jesus of Suburbia – F#. Well I think it is anyway! I looked out of the corner of my eye to see Billie Joe, Mike and Tre’s reaction. A huge smile seemed to spread across their faces – now that was the assurance I needed. I knew a 9-minute song would get me somewhere. I soon moved on to my favourite part, City of The Damned, playing it with real emotion, as Billie Joe had once told me to. I had related each part of the song to some aspect of my life, so I could relate to it easily. The City of The Damned I had referred to as my hometown, somewhere I could never run from, where everything was just a lie. The pretty same thing with Dearly Beloved. I Don’t Care to me, was just like a repeated message I kept saying to the chavs and teenies at school. And finally, Tales of Another Broken Home, had reminded me of my flight from home and coming here to America. For the first time, I was actually enjoying the audition, Tre sometimes jigging about in his chair to my playing. I tried not to laugh or smile too much as it would have given the game away, but I couldn’t resist it. A permanent smile was slapped across my face – the first time in ages.
* * * * * * * *
Billie Joe’s face was a picture. I had never seen him so happy when I had been with him. Of course I had seen him this happy with Adrienne before, but never with me. I took it as a good sign. Tre and Mike too were beaming, as I flicked my wrist by my side from the constant playing for 9 minutes.
“You may go now.� Toni ordered me, pointing to the door, whilst looking at her notes.
I walked out of the audition room and a burst of relief and excitement overcome me. I turned back before the door close to snatch a glance from Billie Joe – one that I will never forget. It suddenly came to me that I actually might win this. For the first time ever, I had a good chance of winning. It was weird walking out of the studio and nobody else being there, waiting to go in. I don’t know where Jimmy had gone. I didn’t really care either. The more I seemed to talk to him the more I disliked him. His perfect life and family made me scream inside. He had it good and took advantage of life, whilst I had to scrape through and get by without asking for too much. And I’m not trying to get sympathy votes here. I wandered around the lobby for a while, and for the last time. I just wish they would hurry up and let us know who had won. I could just imagine me in the mosh pit of a Green Day gig, rocking out and head banging the night away. I couldn’t wait! Hold on a second, I might not even win this, so what am I thinking? God, was I being big headed or what?! I sat down on the floor against a pillar for a while, but had to move again because I couldn’t keep still. I was bursting with energy – and I needed to use it before it got wasted away. I wanted to run back into the studio and give Billie Joe the biggest kiss he had ever experienced…but that was obviously not going to happen because he had a wife and 2 kids and would never want to kiss me again anyways. Well, not after our last experience. But tonight I was going to try and change things for good. I thought back to the day when we first touched lips, the taste still in my mouth. That was before I had even started auditioning, and before things had become too complicated. But had been the start of the feelings between me and Billie Joe, if he had any for me at all. I fiddled with the end of my tie in suspension of waiting for the results. I was urging to be with Billie Joe right now, with no interruptions or nothing to stop us. I wanted that more than anything at the moment. I had never had an urge for him like this before. Maybe it was a sign, a start of something big. Oh Billie Joe, why wont you just walk through those doors now and scoop me up in your arms? A door slammed shut behind me, making me jump and turn around suddenly. Jimmy strolled out of the toilets, adjusting himself as he went.
“Have they called us in yet?� He asked, pointing to the door.
“If they had, I would be in there, wouldn’t I?� I told him, giving him a sarcastic look.
“You’re so funny.� Jimmy laughed, not meaning any of it. “I only wanted to know.�
“Well use your brain then.�
“Alright twisted arse.� He whined. “You know, you’re not as smart as I thought you were.�
“Thanks for the compliment.�
“You’re just like a teenie, you know that?�
“You did not just call me a teenie?!� I screamed, not quite believing what he’d just said.
“See, you don’t even realise you’re doing it.�
“Doing what?�
“See!� Jimmy mocked, pointing at me.
“What?!�
“You’re just like them…at school.� He whispered, anger in his eyes.
“Who at school?� I wondered, raising my eyebrows.
“Never mind – you obviously don’t understand.� He sighed, looking away.
Suddenly, for a moment, he reminded me of me. I stood back to take a look at him, not knowing how to react.
“Look, if you tell me, then maybe I will understand.� I told him, trying to have a decent conversation with him. “If it’s about being picked on at school I had the same problem. I understand what it’s like.�
“No you wont, � He groaned, turning away, his guitar strapped to his back. “You’ll just pretend you do and then get it all wrong like fucking everyone else does.�
“I won’t pretend. You think you’ve got problems? You don’t know anything about me, do you?!� I screamed at him.
“I know a lot more than you think.� Jimmy boasted. “Call yourself a real fan? I know that your only goal in life is to fuck Green Day, that’s why you’re here.�
“You don’t mean that.� I grunted, frowning.
“You think not?�
“I’m not going to listen anymore.� I told him, turning away, annoyed.
“Why? Because you know it’s the truth?�
“What the fuck are you going on about?!� I screamed at him, my mind spitting sparks everywhere inside.
“Don’t try and hide it.�
I looked back at him, not understanding him at all.
“You’re awkward.� I sighed frustrated, moving away from him.
“So are you.� He yelled back, an expression of anger on his face.
“No I’m not.� I replied, walking away.
“Yes you are. I know that you’re hiding something. I know that you’re staying with Green Day.�
I stopped and stood there in shock, my heart pounding so fast I couldn’t count the beats. How did he know?
“What are you talking about?� I answered back, trying to hide my secret.
“Don’t lie. I know you do. I’ve seen it in the way that you look at them, especially Billie Joe.� He called to me.
“Don’t lie about what?� I yelled. “I’m not lying.�
“See, you’re doing it again now!� He screamed back.
“Don’t fucking start this again!�
“You started it.�
“Now, you’re the one who’s acting like a teenie!�
“I’m not the one who’s having a love affair with Billie Joe.�
“First the last time, I don’t know him, ok!?� I cried out loud.
“I know you do! It’s obvious. Everyone knows that the girl who sits on her own in the corner with her guitar has a secret. And that secret is that you’re secretly seeing Billie Joe Armstrong!�
“For fuck’s sake!� I screamed, the happy energy I once had wasting away into nothing.
“You wouldn’t be reacting like this if it wasn’t true, Stef.�
“How the hell do you know my name?� I asked, starting to feel sick.
“Everyone knows your name. How do you know my name?� He asked slyly.
“I…� I stuttered. “I just do.�
I knew from Green Day what his name was, but where the fuck did he get my name from? I turned to walk away again, my guitar swinging by my side.
“Nice guitar you’ve got there.� Jimmy called to me, realising my new guitar Billie Joe had brought me.
I didn’t no whether to say anything back or not, but he said something else before I had a chance to answer.
“What happened to your other one? Did it get nicked?�
“Something like that.� I hesitated, wanting to thump him one.
“Must have cost a lot of money.� He commented, raising his eyebrows.
I was kind of getting the impression that this kid knew too much about me. Too much for me to handle.
“What if it did?� I answered back, tutting to myself.
Toni finally walked through the double doors in front of us, saving me from any more hassle from Jimmy.
“You can come in now.� She beckoned, but mostly to Jimmy, completely blanking me.
You could tell he was her ‘favourite’; just by the way she smiled and winked at him. She was always praising him and not me, I preferred Green Day on my side though. We both walked behind her, glaring at each other whenever our eyes met by mistake. Toni went back to her seat next to Igor whilst me and Jimmy stood on opposite sides of the room, as far away from each other as possible. I stole a glance from Billie Joe, who suddenly looked really pissed off. He was the happiest guy on earth a minute ago, what could have made him change moods so quickly? The look on his face made me feel nervous, as if something was wrong. I looked back up to see Jimmy eying me carefully. I gave him an evil look before finally listening to what Toni had to say, and the results.
“Well, the time has come to reveal the winner.� Toni screeched, smiling towards Jimmy.
I was starting to think that maybe she was happy because Jimmy had been chosen as the winner. I didn’t think any more of it though, to stop myself from panicking or freaking out. I shifted about on the spot in the frustration of waiting longer for the results because of Toni’s constant babbling. Finally, she decided to us the news that we’d all been waiting for.
“And the winner is…� She said, cutting short her sentence.
My heart raced and my hands became sweaty and clammy. Both me and Jimmy watched Toni carefully, taking in every movement she took. None of the guys looked happy. Wait, but Igor was…smiling? The first time I had ever seen him smile. Wait, this shouldn’t be right. It should be the other way round, Green Day smiling and Igor and Toni looking pissed off. Shit, I had fucked it up. I had failed. I suddenly feared the worst, just before Toni confirmed the very fear.
“JIMMY!�
Dead. I was dead. Physically and mentally. I just…shut down…completely. I wanted to cry hysterically in Billie Joe’s arms, but I couldn’t. The tears started to well up inside, my eyes stinging. I couldn’t bear to look at Green Day. I had let them down so much. Everything…in the world was just…pure evil. No one could ever win. This was a game I could never play right, always being punished in the end…for my trying. Even the feelings I had for Billie Joe were overcome with evil. At this moment in time, I fucking hated everything; Igor, Toni, Jimmy, the bitches who beat me up, my mum, step-dad…everyone. Jimmy was beaming now as you could imagine, his face a bright glowing red. Toni reached over the table, still smiling, giving me her hand to shake.
“Sorry you didn’t make it…erm…Sarah was it?� She questioned.
I took one final look at her and stormed out of the studio, dragging my guitar with me. It wasn’t until I was outside that I finally let the tears flow.
* * * * * * * *
I knocked on Green Day’s hotel room door, still clutching my new Fender in my hand, my heart sinking because I had let them all down. It had taken me twice as long to walk back to the hotel by foot then it had for Green Day in car, so they had been back a while before me. This was going to painful, but I had to face them some time though. Mike answered the door, his face stunned in seeing me. I don’t think he knew what to say. Didn’t know what to say to the loser. He moved aside to let me pass through, still seemingly holding his tongue. I walked into their room where I found Tre and Billie Joe. Tre looked up to see it was me, then shot his head in the other direction of Billie Joe, who was staring into nothing. He slowly looked up, his face saddened at the sight of me. I felt so awkward. He was killing me. He didn’t know it, but he was. Mike leaned in the doorway to the bathroom after re-joining us, as I stood in the middle of them all. I hated it; it was like they were all staring at me – too much attention.
“Jimmy…won then.� I choked, breaking the awkward silence.
I didn’t know what else to say. I knew we were all thinking about the same thing.
“Jimmy’s an arsehole to say the least!� Tre grunted in anger, like a bomb that had just exploded. “He doesn’t deserve to win or…or even have that name!�
He was trying to make up excuses. He was going mental.
“He certainly ain’t a saint.� Mike added, tutting.
Mike would never get wound up about anything. He was always calm about everything. Infact, I don’t even remember him being angry once. Not since I’ve been around anyway.
“It’s not fair.� Tre sighed. “You should have won.�
“I didn’t…deserve to win.� I whispered, looking at my feet.
“Why the fuck NOT?!� Tre screamed, questioning me, as his eyes widened.
“I…cheated. We all know I did.� I replied, still standing amongst them all.
“You need to cheat to get through life.� Billie Joe told me, finally looking up.
That was the first thing he had said to me all day. I felt as if I had let him down so much. I had failed – I didn’t deserve to be here.
“You didn’t cheat.� Billie Joe continued. “You just had a little help.�
“If you say so.� I replied, sighing and sitting on the edge of the bed next to Tre.
I didn’t know what else to say to him. We all sat in silence for a few minutes, all far away with our own thoughts.
“Can’t you just get…me a ticket…or something?� I asked, pleading with my eyes at Billie Joe.
“Yeah!� Tre yelled. “Why can’t we just do that?�
“Tre, you know we can’t give tickets away to people.� Mike told him softly, but hitting us hard with the truth.
“But it’s not like she’s a stranger is it? Couldn’t we just sneak her in?� Tre whined, pushing his luck.
“And how do you suggest we do that?� Mike asked sarcastically, as he watched Tre try to think of an answer.
“Erm…� Tre stuttered. “I don’t know! We could…try and hide her in a….guitar case! Right Billie Joe? …Billie Joe?!�
“No. Mike’s right.� Billie Joe sighed, stretching his hands down his face and coming out of his thoughts. “There’s nothing we can do.�
Tre looked down in more disappointment like a little kid. Billie Joe WAS right – again. There was nothing we could do. After everything we’d done, it had all gone to waste. If it weren’t for that competition, I wouldn’t be here right now with Green Day. I would still be at home, wanting to escape and follow my dreams, whatever they were. Now the competition was over and I had lost, I technically had nothing else to stay for. Except for Billie Joe. So much for a night celebrating with him and dragging him up to my room. I was afraid that Green Day would dump me now I wasn’t there for a real reason anymore. I feared the day that would happen, but now it felt as if it was drawing near. More rejection from the people, and the PERSON I loved the most.
“Hi.� I managed to say, staring confusingly at the box he was standing next to.
I couldn’t take my eyes off of it. What the hell was it?
“Can I come in?� He asked, gesturing with his hand to go inside.
“Yeah sure.� I replied, still keeping my eyes on the box, which he picked up and brought inside.
I closed the door behind me and strolled behind him, as he walked into my room and propped the box up against the end of the bed. He groaned slightly in the weight of it. He stood back up, and saw me staring at it in confusion.
“Well, open I then.� He told me, smiling and brushing his hands clean on his jacket.
I pointed at myself in shock, not knowing what the hell to do. That was for me?!? I couldn’t believe it. I went ahead and opened it though, like he had told me to, not quite knowing what to expect. Billie Joe watched, beaming as I ripped the top half of paper off of the box. My heart collapsed inside, stopped working and restarted itself again. I looked up at Billie Joe, gob-smacked, shocked, surprised, excited, and thrilled all at the same time. A huge smile spread across his face, the one that only he could ever own. In mixed emotions I excitedly ripped the rest of the paper to reveal my new guitar – the blue Fender Jagstang I had seen in the shop Billie Joe had taken me to a couple of weeks ago. I didn’t know what to do. Billie Joe had just bought me a guitar. But not just any old guitar – A Fender Jagstang. My heart was literally in my throat. I lunged up from my crouching spot by the box and threw myself around him. I was speechless to say the least.
“Oh.my.god.� I cried. “Thank you so much. I don’t know what to say.�
“You don’t have to say anything.� Billie Joe told me, returning the hug, beaming still. “I’m glad you like it.�
“Like it?!� I screamed sarcastically in happiness. “I LOVE IT!!! I can’t thank you enough!�
I threw myself around him again because I still didn’t know what to do. My face was glowing with happiness and pride.
“I can’t believe you got me a new guitar!� I screamed out loud, trying to understand it all.
“It’s ok kid. I wanted you to have a new guitar for the final tomorrow.�
Kid. He called me kid! Now I was officially happy! I was jumping up and down inside, bursting with so much energy. I couldn’t grasp anything mentally. Oh.my.god. He had bought me a guitar!!! I wanted to grab him and kiss him hard, but I didn’t know whether to or not.
“You don’t know how fucking happy you’ve made me.� I told him, staring into his gorgeous green eyes.
Words could not describe what I was feeling right now – It was just all very new to me. Tears started to well up in my eyes, why was I always so fucking emotional?
“Hey,� Billie Joe smiled, holding me around him, realising my watery eyes. “It’s ok. I wanted to buy you one. You deserve one. Take it as a good luck present – not that you need it. What are you playing anyway?�
I looked up at him again, a smile spreading across my face at my secret.
“You’ll have to wait and see won’t you?� I teased, holding him tight.
“You not seriously going to make me wait until tomorrow are you?� He asked, frowning.
I nodded in agreement, cheekily smiling back to him.
“Wait, that’s not fair.� He playfully moaned, jigging me about in his arms like a mum does to her child.
“If I tell you, it will spoil the big surprise tomorrow won’t it?� I teased once again, moving my face closer towards his.
“Alright.� He cried, giving in. “You’ll just have to make it worth while. But it will be anyway, without my pathetic pleading.�
“I promise – it will be worth every penny you’ve spent on that guitar.� I told him, determined to blow his mind tomorrow.
He smiled shyly; taking my hint that he was going to be somewhat surprised tomorrow night.
“I’ll take your word for it.� He smiled down on me once again.
A surge of sudden ‘love’ ran through me – whatever you like to call love. No one ever knows what love is, its different for everyone. But right now, right here, I felt the closest to Billie Joe I had ever been. And I meant that. I would savour this moment forever.
“Well…� Billie Joe awkwardly said, interrupting our moment and the silence. “I better be getting back. I said I’d only be a little while, plus you need to sleep for tomorrow.�
At this rate, I would never be able to get to sleep. The excitement and thrill was all too much for me.
“Do you have to go?� I asked, pulling him back as he headed towards the door.
That had been the first time I had actually done something about wanting Billie Joe. I wanted him here, now, and to stay with me.
“I can’t stay.� He whispered, looking disappointed. “We can spend time together tomorrow evening, yeah?�
What he didn’t know was that I had had that already planned for him.
“Ok.� I replied, sadly. “Oh, Billie Joe…�
I called him, as he attempted to go out of the door again. He turned to look at me as I sighed deeply.
“Thanks.� I simply said, because that’s all that I could say.
There wasn’t a word to say thank you enough. I could never repay him back. Never.
“That’s ok kid.� He smiled, before disappearing behind the other side of the closing door.
* * * * * * * *
“Hi, how’s it going?�
I awkwardly shook hands with my rival finalist Jimmy, as we both waited outside in the lobby to be called in individually for our audition. I hadn’t had a lift from Green Day this morning, I didn’t want them to see my before the audition because it would just make me more nervous than I already was. I had been up since 6 this morning, practising the last few times before the audition. This would be the last time I ever had to do this. I was glad of it too. I was wearing my new black trouser style pants, with my black studied belt and my converse that had been worn day in, day out over the last year or so. My red and black tie that I had brought yesterday stood out against my black shirt. I looked like a guy, I know. But I felt confident in this. My eyeliner had been carefully applied; careful not to smudge it under my eyes otherwise I would end up looking stoned. For the first time in days, I had actually sat and done my hair properly. All the tiniest of details could earn or loose me marks. I was determined to make an impression. Jimmy smiled at me innocently.
“So…what are you going to play then?� He asked, his freckles on his cheeks beaming as he smiled.
“Why?� I asked, growing suddenly suspicious.
“I was just wondering.� He replied, shrugging his shoulders.
“What are you playing?� I asked him back, waiting for his reply.
“Not telling.�
“Would you have told me if I had told you mine?�
“Nope.� He said, again shrugging his slumped shoulders and laughing to himself.
Ok - this kid didn’t seem that innocent anymore. He was annoying. I could tell he was going to wind me up today.
“Do you think you’ll win?� He asked, pulling out a cigarette from his pocket.
What kind of a question was that?! What was he trying to do? Throw me into some kind of trap? How do you answer that without sounding too big headed?
“I don’t know.� I replied, not knowing what to say. “What about you?�
“My mum thinks I’ve got a good chance.� He smiled to himself, lighting his fag.
I stood back in shock, he was a bastard. What kind of a person asked and said things like this? I walked away from him and sat against a wall. I was so nervous, especially with this Jimmy guy around. He was a creep – he made me cringe. He wasn’t exactly making things easy for me was he?
“Do you smoke?� He asked, walking towards me.
I wish he would just go back to where he came from.
“Erm…no.� I replied, growing more suspicious by the minute.
“Too bad.� He mocked, putting his lighter away. “So…�
He was kind of pissing me off now. What was it with him and wanting to know every little detail about me?
“How desperate do you want to win this?� He asked, looking me straight in the eye.
“Quite desperate.� I choked, showing no emotion towards him.
“Is that it?� He mocked, laughing to himself. “Quite?�
Ok, my opinion had changed. He wasn’t kind of pissing me off. He WAS pissing me off and had succeeded.
“I’ve been a fan for ages.� Jimmy told me, looking out of the glass doors that were at the front of the studio.
“So have I.� I cried back, nastily.
There was no point in trying to be nice to him, he wouldn’t return the favour. Did he think I was just here for fun? Did he think I wasn’t a fan? He didn’t know anything about me.
“ What’s their albums in order then?� Jimmy asked me, smiling, thinking that he had caught me out. “Only a true fan knows that.�
I smiled to myself. God, now he was in for it. This was easy enough.
“1,039 Smoothed Out Slappy hours, Kerplunk, Dookie, Insomniac, Nimrod, Warning, International Superhits, Shenanigans, and American Idiot.� I told him, naming them and showing off a little.
“I knew it.� He laughed, sucking on his fag hard.
“Knew what?� I groaned, confused and suddenly scared that I had said something wrong.
“International Superhits isn’t an album.� He stated, being big headed.
And he had been a fan for how long?
“Yeah it is.� I cried back, putting him into place. “It’s got two tracks on it that aren’t on any other album, so therefore that makes it an album.�
“If you say so.�
He inhaled harshly again on his cigarette, his chest heaving out.
“Does your mum know you smoke?� I asked, kind of disgusted in the way he was breathing all the smoke onto me.
“What do you think I am?� He asked, putting the fag out by stepping on it. “Of course my mum knows. My mum knows everything. She’s the one who made me audition. If it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t be here today. My mum gives me everything I need and lets me do what ever I want. It’s not like I'm locked up all day or anything.�
I envied him so much. He didn’t know how lucky he was. I wanted to scream at him and tell him about my past, and how he should be grateful for what he has.
“What about your mum?�
“Erm…� I stammered, wanting to blurt the truth out but I didn’t because that would be telling him everything I didn’t want him to know. “My mum hates Green Day.�
I wanted to see how hard life was for me sometimes.
“Really?� He sounded surprised. “Does she know you’re here?�
“I…I really don’t know. If she does, there’s nothing she can do. She’s back in the UK.�
“No shit!� Jimmy laughed, staring at me still. “So who are you staying with now then?�
“With Gr - � I suddenly cut my self short. “With…great old me, myself and my…Green Day posters.�
God, that was too fucking close. I nearly gave myself away. I bit my lip as my nerves started to build up on me. When were they going to call us for the audition? I just wanted to get it done and over with – and get back to the hotel room with Billie Joe. Suddenly Toni waltzed through the doors that lead to the actual studio room, smiling at Jimmy as she approached us. I could tell that he was her favourite. She absolutely hated me, the fucking bitch. I hadn’t done anything to her except audition for this competition.
“Ok, Jimmy would you like to come in?� She beckoned to him as he eagerly jumped up and ran into the studio behind her.
The doors closed behind both of them, and silence filled the lobby. I looked on the floor next to me where Jimmy had been sitting, his cigarette squished against the clean crisp carpet that looked brand new. He had no respect for other people’s property. I sighed deeply and tried to calm myself down from feeling nervous. I sat and thought about the evening that awaited me after the audition – and Billie Joe. I know I sounded like a teenie, but I actually had a feeling that this time things would work. How many times had I said that though? I would drag him up to my room and make sure there were no distractions around us, or even near us. I was determined to make tonight work, for both of us. We were both filled up inside with so many emotions, and we needed to let it all go, sort everything out, and forget most of it. I strained to hear what was being said in the studio, when I heard Jimmy starting to play on his guitar. St.Jimmy. I should have known he would play that. His name was Jimmy, duh? I was so stupid. It was obvious that it was going to be that. Oh well. I really didn’t care. I had a 9-minute song to perform, now that surely would get one better than him.
* * * * * * * *
“Good luck.� Jimmy sarcastically called out to me as I walked into the studio.
Ok, now I was scared. This was the final. The fucking final. This was my last chance; I had to do my best. I couldn’t let Green Day down. I had dreamed about going to a Green Day gig for what seemed like ages, and now was my chance to prove that I deserved just that. Beneath all the shit and lies, I had been given a chance in this cruel world. I stopped at a halt and stood in front of all 5 judges – Toni, Igor, Billie Joe, Mike and Tre. As soon as I walked in Green Day looked up, kind of amazed at what I was wearing, Billie Joe in particular. I’m not trying to be big headed here either. I smiled confidently at Billie Joe, the Fender he had brought me last night clutched tightly in my hand. Tre gave me a thumbs up whilst Igor and Toni jotted down more notes. Well, Toni jotted down notes whilst Igor doodled on his pad, not paying any attention to me.
“Ok, when you’re ready.� Toni told me, less enthusiastic than she was with Jimmy.
Did she only like the opposite sex or something? What was her fucking problem? I grabbed a stool and sat perched on the edge, propping my guitar – my NEW guitar on my lap. Oh my god. This was it. This was the final – the least I had expected. I didn’t even think I would survive the first audition. To be honest, I don’t know how I had survived with judges like Toni and Igor constantly giving me a hard time and hating me. I looked at Billie Joe one final time, everything he had ever taught me flowing back into my mind. I took a deep breath before I played the first chord of The Jesus of Suburbia – F#. Well I think it is anyway! I looked out of the corner of my eye to see Billie Joe, Mike and Tre’s reaction. A huge smile seemed to spread across their faces – now that was the assurance I needed. I knew a 9-minute song would get me somewhere. I soon moved on to my favourite part, City of The Damned, playing it with real emotion, as Billie Joe had once told me to. I had related each part of the song to some aspect of my life, so I could relate to it easily. The City of The Damned I had referred to as my hometown, somewhere I could never run from, where everything was just a lie. The pretty same thing with Dearly Beloved. I Don’t Care to me, was just like a repeated message I kept saying to the chavs and teenies at school. And finally, Tales of Another Broken Home, had reminded me of my flight from home and coming here to America. For the first time, I was actually enjoying the audition, Tre sometimes jigging about in his chair to my playing. I tried not to laugh or smile too much as it would have given the game away, but I couldn’t resist it. A permanent smile was slapped across my face – the first time in ages.
* * * * * * * *
Billie Joe’s face was a picture. I had never seen him so happy when I had been with him. Of course I had seen him this happy with Adrienne before, but never with me. I took it as a good sign. Tre and Mike too were beaming, as I flicked my wrist by my side from the constant playing for 9 minutes.
“You may go now.� Toni ordered me, pointing to the door, whilst looking at her notes.
I walked out of the audition room and a burst of relief and excitement overcome me. I turned back before the door close to snatch a glance from Billie Joe – one that I will never forget. It suddenly came to me that I actually might win this. For the first time ever, I had a good chance of winning. It was weird walking out of the studio and nobody else being there, waiting to go in. I don’t know where Jimmy had gone. I didn’t really care either. The more I seemed to talk to him the more I disliked him. His perfect life and family made me scream inside. He had it good and took advantage of life, whilst I had to scrape through and get by without asking for too much. And I’m not trying to get sympathy votes here. I wandered around the lobby for a while, and for the last time. I just wish they would hurry up and let us know who had won. I could just imagine me in the mosh pit of a Green Day gig, rocking out and head banging the night away. I couldn’t wait! Hold on a second, I might not even win this, so what am I thinking? God, was I being big headed or what?! I sat down on the floor against a pillar for a while, but had to move again because I couldn’t keep still. I was bursting with energy – and I needed to use it before it got wasted away. I wanted to run back into the studio and give Billie Joe the biggest kiss he had ever experienced…but that was obviously not going to happen because he had a wife and 2 kids and would never want to kiss me again anyways. Well, not after our last experience. But tonight I was going to try and change things for good. I thought back to the day when we first touched lips, the taste still in my mouth. That was before I had even started auditioning, and before things had become too complicated. But had been the start of the feelings between me and Billie Joe, if he had any for me at all. I fiddled with the end of my tie in suspension of waiting for the results. I was urging to be with Billie Joe right now, with no interruptions or nothing to stop us. I wanted that more than anything at the moment. I had never had an urge for him like this before. Maybe it was a sign, a start of something big. Oh Billie Joe, why wont you just walk through those doors now and scoop me up in your arms? A door slammed shut behind me, making me jump and turn around suddenly. Jimmy strolled out of the toilets, adjusting himself as he went.
“Have they called us in yet?� He asked, pointing to the door.
“If they had, I would be in there, wouldn’t I?� I told him, giving him a sarcastic look.
“You’re so funny.� Jimmy laughed, not meaning any of it. “I only wanted to know.�
“Well use your brain then.�
“Alright twisted arse.� He whined. “You know, you’re not as smart as I thought you were.�
“Thanks for the compliment.�
“You’re just like a teenie, you know that?�
“You did not just call me a teenie?!� I screamed, not quite believing what he’d just said.
“See, you don’t even realise you’re doing it.�
“Doing what?�
“See!� Jimmy mocked, pointing at me.
“What?!�
“You’re just like them…at school.� He whispered, anger in his eyes.
“Who at school?� I wondered, raising my eyebrows.
“Never mind – you obviously don’t understand.� He sighed, looking away.
Suddenly, for a moment, he reminded me of me. I stood back to take a look at him, not knowing how to react.
“Look, if you tell me, then maybe I will understand.� I told him, trying to have a decent conversation with him. “If it’s about being picked on at school I had the same problem. I understand what it’s like.�
“No you wont, � He groaned, turning away, his guitar strapped to his back. “You’ll just pretend you do and then get it all wrong like fucking everyone else does.�
“I won’t pretend. You think you’ve got problems? You don’t know anything about me, do you?!� I screamed at him.
“I know a lot more than you think.� Jimmy boasted. “Call yourself a real fan? I know that your only goal in life is to fuck Green Day, that’s why you’re here.�
“You don’t mean that.� I grunted, frowning.
“You think not?�
“I’m not going to listen anymore.� I told him, turning away, annoyed.
“Why? Because you know it’s the truth?�
“What the fuck are you going on about?!� I screamed at him, my mind spitting sparks everywhere inside.
“Don’t try and hide it.�
I looked back at him, not understanding him at all.
“You’re awkward.� I sighed frustrated, moving away from him.
“So are you.� He yelled back, an expression of anger on his face.
“No I’m not.� I replied, walking away.
“Yes you are. I know that you’re hiding something. I know that you’re staying with Green Day.�
I stopped and stood there in shock, my heart pounding so fast I couldn’t count the beats. How did he know?
“What are you talking about?� I answered back, trying to hide my secret.
“Don’t lie. I know you do. I’ve seen it in the way that you look at them, especially Billie Joe.� He called to me.
“Don’t lie about what?� I yelled. “I’m not lying.�
“See, you’re doing it again now!� He screamed back.
“Don’t fucking start this again!�
“You started it.�
“Now, you’re the one who’s acting like a teenie!�
“I’m not the one who’s having a love affair with Billie Joe.�
“First the last time, I don’t know him, ok!?� I cried out loud.
“I know you do! It’s obvious. Everyone knows that the girl who sits on her own in the corner with her guitar has a secret. And that secret is that you’re secretly seeing Billie Joe Armstrong!�
“For fuck’s sake!� I screamed, the happy energy I once had wasting away into nothing.
“You wouldn’t be reacting like this if it wasn’t true, Stef.�
“How the hell do you know my name?� I asked, starting to feel sick.
“Everyone knows your name. How do you know my name?� He asked slyly.
“I…� I stuttered. “I just do.�
I knew from Green Day what his name was, but where the fuck did he get my name from? I turned to walk away again, my guitar swinging by my side.
“Nice guitar you’ve got there.� Jimmy called to me, realising my new guitar Billie Joe had brought me.
I didn’t no whether to say anything back or not, but he said something else before I had a chance to answer.
“What happened to your other one? Did it get nicked?�
“Something like that.� I hesitated, wanting to thump him one.
“Must have cost a lot of money.� He commented, raising his eyebrows.
I was kind of getting the impression that this kid knew too much about me. Too much for me to handle.
“What if it did?� I answered back, tutting to myself.
Toni finally walked through the double doors in front of us, saving me from any more hassle from Jimmy.
“You can come in now.� She beckoned, but mostly to Jimmy, completely blanking me.
You could tell he was her ‘favourite’; just by the way she smiled and winked at him. She was always praising him and not me, I preferred Green Day on my side though. We both walked behind her, glaring at each other whenever our eyes met by mistake. Toni went back to her seat next to Igor whilst me and Jimmy stood on opposite sides of the room, as far away from each other as possible. I stole a glance from Billie Joe, who suddenly looked really pissed off. He was the happiest guy on earth a minute ago, what could have made him change moods so quickly? The look on his face made me feel nervous, as if something was wrong. I looked back up to see Jimmy eying me carefully. I gave him an evil look before finally listening to what Toni had to say, and the results.
“Well, the time has come to reveal the winner.� Toni screeched, smiling towards Jimmy.
I was starting to think that maybe she was happy because Jimmy had been chosen as the winner. I didn’t think any more of it though, to stop myself from panicking or freaking out. I shifted about on the spot in the frustration of waiting longer for the results because of Toni’s constant babbling. Finally, she decided to us the news that we’d all been waiting for.
“And the winner is…� She said, cutting short her sentence.
My heart raced and my hands became sweaty and clammy. Both me and Jimmy watched Toni carefully, taking in every movement she took. None of the guys looked happy. Wait, but Igor was…smiling? The first time I had ever seen him smile. Wait, this shouldn’t be right. It should be the other way round, Green Day smiling and Igor and Toni looking pissed off. Shit, I had fucked it up. I had failed. I suddenly feared the worst, just before Toni confirmed the very fear.
“JIMMY!�
Dead. I was dead. Physically and mentally. I just…shut down…completely. I wanted to cry hysterically in Billie Joe’s arms, but I couldn’t. The tears started to well up inside, my eyes stinging. I couldn’t bear to look at Green Day. I had let them down so much. Everything…in the world was just…pure evil. No one could ever win. This was a game I could never play right, always being punished in the end…for my trying. Even the feelings I had for Billie Joe were overcome with evil. At this moment in time, I fucking hated everything; Igor, Toni, Jimmy, the bitches who beat me up, my mum, step-dad…everyone. Jimmy was beaming now as you could imagine, his face a bright glowing red. Toni reached over the table, still smiling, giving me her hand to shake.
“Sorry you didn’t make it…erm…Sarah was it?� She questioned.
I took one final look at her and stormed out of the studio, dragging my guitar with me. It wasn’t until I was outside that I finally let the tears flow.
* * * * * * * *
I knocked on Green Day’s hotel room door, still clutching my new Fender in my hand, my heart sinking because I had let them all down. It had taken me twice as long to walk back to the hotel by foot then it had for Green Day in car, so they had been back a while before me. This was going to painful, but I had to face them some time though. Mike answered the door, his face stunned in seeing me. I don’t think he knew what to say. Didn’t know what to say to the loser. He moved aside to let me pass through, still seemingly holding his tongue. I walked into their room where I found Tre and Billie Joe. Tre looked up to see it was me, then shot his head in the other direction of Billie Joe, who was staring into nothing. He slowly looked up, his face saddened at the sight of me. I felt so awkward. He was killing me. He didn’t know it, but he was. Mike leaned in the doorway to the bathroom after re-joining us, as I stood in the middle of them all. I hated it; it was like they were all staring at me – too much attention.
“Jimmy…won then.� I choked, breaking the awkward silence.
I didn’t know what else to say. I knew we were all thinking about the same thing.
“Jimmy’s an arsehole to say the least!� Tre grunted in anger, like a bomb that had just exploded. “He doesn’t deserve to win or…or even have that name!�
He was trying to make up excuses. He was going mental.
“He certainly ain’t a saint.� Mike added, tutting.
Mike would never get wound up about anything. He was always calm about everything. Infact, I don’t even remember him being angry once. Not since I’ve been around anyway.
“It’s not fair.� Tre sighed. “You should have won.�
“I didn’t…deserve to win.� I whispered, looking at my feet.
“Why the fuck NOT?!� Tre screamed, questioning me, as his eyes widened.
“I…cheated. We all know I did.� I replied, still standing amongst them all.
“You need to cheat to get through life.� Billie Joe told me, finally looking up.
That was the first thing he had said to me all day. I felt as if I had let him down so much. I had failed – I didn’t deserve to be here.
“You didn’t cheat.� Billie Joe continued. “You just had a little help.�
“If you say so.� I replied, sighing and sitting on the edge of the bed next to Tre.
I didn’t know what else to say to him. We all sat in silence for a few minutes, all far away with our own thoughts.
“Can’t you just get…me a ticket…or something?� I asked, pleading with my eyes at Billie Joe.
“Yeah!� Tre yelled. “Why can’t we just do that?�
“Tre, you know we can’t give tickets away to people.� Mike told him softly, but hitting us hard with the truth.
“But it’s not like she’s a stranger is it? Couldn’t we just sneak her in?� Tre whined, pushing his luck.
“And how do you suggest we do that?� Mike asked sarcastically, as he watched Tre try to think of an answer.
“Erm…� Tre stuttered. “I don’t know! We could…try and hide her in a….guitar case! Right Billie Joe? …Billie Joe?!�
“No. Mike’s right.� Billie Joe sighed, stretching his hands down his face and coming out of his thoughts. “There’s nothing we can do.�
Tre looked down in more disappointment like a little kid. Billie Joe WAS right – again. There was nothing we could do. After everything we’d done, it had all gone to waste. If it weren’t for that competition, I wouldn’t be here right now with Green Day. I would still be at home, wanting to escape and follow my dreams, whatever they were. Now the competition was over and I had lost, I technically had nothing else to stay for. Except for Billie Joe. So much for a night celebrating with him and dragging him up to my room. I was afraid that Green Day would dump me now I wasn’t there for a real reason anymore. I feared the day that would happen, but now it felt as if it was drawing near. More rejection from the people, and the PERSON I loved the most.
