A Note Don't Come Easy, chapter 20
I stood on the balcony to my hotel room, overlooking the view as Billie Joe used my toilet. The wind stirred gently around me, the weather mild and light. The tears that I had just shed were staining my cheeks with the run of eyeliner – I could feel them. I reached down into my pocket and pulled out a cigarette. I had kept this ever since the night we had celebrated after my first audition. Billie Joe had gone to use it but had had to put it down because of Tre’s demands for another round of shots. I remember it clearly – I had kept it because it was the one thing I could find that reminded me of Billie Joe at the time. Now I had his polka dot tie to go with it, from the other night when we had nearly ended up in bed together. I looked at the cigarette in my sweaty palm. I had always believed that my Granddad had died due to smoking, so I had always vowed never to smoke. But I was tempted to try it. I had to do something to take away the stress and agony I was feeling. Billie Joe always smoked when he was pissed off. It seemed to make him better sometimes too. God, I really was desperate if I was falling this shallow and smoking, wasn’t I? I closed my hand up, squashing it, as I walked back into my room. I sneaked through the pockets of Billie Joe’s blazer, that was scrumpled up on my bed. He had thrown it there when we had arrived back to my room. I found a lighter in the inside pocket, and quickly lit the fag up without thinking. I shoved the lighter back where I found it and strode back out onto the balcony before the cigarette had a chance to set the smoke alarms going in my room. It was weird. I had never smoked before. I didn’t have a clue on what to do with it. I put the cigarette to my mouth and sucked on it, making me choke. I leaned against the bar to the balcony and looked out upon the city. I still couldn’t grasp what had just happened down in the parking lot with Jimmy. I was stunned, sad and feeling depressed all at the same time. I breathed smoke out my lungs as I sighed, just before hearing the toilet flush in the background. I took another drag of my fag when Billie Joe walked out onto the balcony, looking at me in horror.
“What the hell are you doing?!� He cried at me.
“What?� I asked, as if what I was doing wasn’t wrong.
“Smoking!� He screeched, reaching over and snatching the fag out of my hand before I could have anymore. “What did you think you were doing?�
“I…I…� I stammered, knowing I was wrong and looking away, ashamed. “I was trying to take away the stress.�
“Well don’t.� He told me, throwing the cigarette over the balcony. “It’s not good for you.�
I watched as it plundered down to the ground below.
“But you do it.� I answered back. “It was your cigarette and your lighter I used anyway.�
“Well, I’m older than you and I guess I should know better. But you’re just a kid.�
Just a kid. That was all I was. A kid. He thought of me as only a kid. There was no chance for us then. He had just explained our ‘relationship’ in a nutshell. He was older than me and should know better, and I was just a kid. I looked away at his comment, saddened.
“Oh, shit…I…I didn’t mean it…like that.� He stuttered, realising his faults and immediately apologising. “I was trying to prove my point about you smoking.�
“No, you’re right." I sighed, being sarcastic. “I am just a kid.�
“No, Stef, listen.� He whispered to me, taking hold of my arm from by my side. “I honestly didn’t mean it…like that. I should have thought.�
“Like what?� I asked, wanting to hear it personally from him instead of just assuming.
“Like…� he started, looking away slightly, before looking back up. “Like…we could never be. I was just trying to stop you from smoking. I don’t want you to turn out like me.�
What was he going on about? I had once wanted to be so much like Billie Joe. In a way, I still wanted to. Was it a bad thing to turn out like him? No, it wasn’t, but he seemed to think so. What he didn’t know was that there was a whole generation of fans out there trying to be him and live his lifestyle. I had been and was still one of them.
“If you need to take away the stress, do something else. But never smoke.� He advised me, exaggerating the ‘never smoke’ bit.
“What else can I do?� I sobbed at him, feeling desperate.
I looked up at him for an answer. He was still bruising from what Jimmy had said to him about his dad. Billie Joe never deserved any of that. I hated the guy with a vengeance. Even hate for him was not enough. Billie Joe looked away from me as he desperately tried to think of something to say in his frustration.
“I don’t know.� He murmured. “Just…do something. Play your guitar, scream as loud as you can, erm…Do what ever you have to do, but just, don’t smoke!�
He stopped in between each suggestion in trying to think of more ideas.
“Punch your pillow,� he continued. “Sing at the top of your voice, kiss me, jump about, just go fucking crazy…�
This would never relieve all of the stress and agony that was inside of me. Wait a fucking second. Did he just say what I thought he said? Did he just say, kiss me? I shot a look at him, my eyes widening.
“What?� I cried, stopping him mid-rambling. “What did you just say?!�
“Go fucking crazy…� he repeated, looking at me, stunned at my sudden outburst.
“No. Before that!�
“Jump about?� He answered, unsure of what I was getting at.
“No! Before that!� I nearly screamed.
“Um…kiss me…� He hesitated, slightly embarrassed.
I looked at him longingly. If only things were simple between us. He looked at me, I looked at him. We both seemed to engage at the same, moving in towards each other. The sun set down in the distance, as I closed my eyes. We moved in and touched lips, not knowing how long this was going to last for. I savoured the moment as I exploded once again inside; just like I had done every other time we had kissed. We pulled away slowly, Billie Joe taking in a fresh breath of air, his eyes still closed.
“Promise me you’ll never smoke again.� He asked me, his eyes closed as if he was reliving the kiss in his head.
I looked at his resting peaceful face in front of me.
“I promise.� I whispered back, in a trance and constantly gazing at him. There was a pause between us.
“Stef…� he started, slowly opening his eyes in a sexy way.
“Yeah?� I answered, still gazing into him.
“I’ve been meaning to ask you this for the last few days.�
“What is it?�
He opened his eyes fully and looked down, not knowing how to word things. I grew slightly nervous at him. What was he going to ask me?
“Erm…� he started again, managing to pluck up the courage. “I want you to come with me to the Grammies.�
“What?!� I cried out stunned.
“Come with me to the Grammies.�
“The Grammies?�
“Yes, the Grammies. You know, the big award show where we’re up for an award?� He sarcastically said, smiling.
“Are you being serious?�
“Yeah, of course I am.� He said, a little hurt at the suggestion that I had thought he wasn’t being serious.
See, now we were too close to each other to say anything without hurting one another.
“But, what about Adrienne?� I queried, looking at him.
“She’s…not coming.� He whispered, an expression of unhappiness on his face.
“Why?� I asked sympathetically, surprised.
“We…had…well…she just can’t make it. That’s all.�
“Billie Joe, I know something’s wrong.�
“It’s nothing that hasn’t happened before.�
“This is what happened the other night, isn’t it?�
“What other night?�
“The night before I got beaten up. I remember, the next day, you were so pissed off in the audition. And then when I asked you if you were ok on the phone you said there was nothing to worry about. But really, you’d had an argument with Adrienne, hadn’t you?�
“How’d you know all of this?� He asked, embarrassed.
“I may be stupid Billie Joe, but I’m not dumb.�
Most of this Tre had told me on the night he had visited me, a few hours after I had been attacked. I had known for a while that they had had an argument. I just didn’t want to mention it to him.
“We didn’t have an argument…� He stammered, trying to make things sound better than what they actually were. “Just a disagreement.�
He really didn’t want to admit that he’d had an argument with Adrienne, did he? I really did feel sorry for him.
“Are you sure it was just a ‘disagreement?’� I asked him, trying to get the truth out of him.
Call me nosy, but I wanted to find out what had happened. I wanted to help Billie Joe, like he had helped me numerous times. This time it was me asking he questions, and not him querying me.
“Yeah, I’m sure.� He mumbled.
He didn’t sound sure, that was one thing. If only he would open up to me.
“That’s why I want you to come Stef.� He pleaded with me. “I want someone to come with me. Please say you will.�
I was replacing his wife at an awards show, where thousands of people and Green Day fans would be watching. Not to mention the media being around every corner you turned. Someone was bound to notice that Adrienne wasn’t there but I was. The thought of being questioned to as why I was with Green Day freaked me out. I wanted to go, with all my heart I wanted to. But I had to think very hard and carefully about this one. If I went, I was risking so much – perhaps too much. Adrienne would find out sooner or later, and would want to know the truth about everything. She didn’t even know that I was staying with Green Day. Hadn’t Billie Joe thought about what would happen when she found all of this out? I wanted to go, this was an opportunity too fucking good to miss. Full stop. But this was going to be a tricky decision.
“I…I…� I stammered, not quite knowing what to say. “I don’t know.�
“At least say you’ll think about it.� He softly asked me, desperation in his voice.
I guess he only wanted someone to be there with him, apart from Mike and Tre. He missed Adrienne so much, I could tell. His eyes pleaded with mine.
“Ok…I’ll think about.� I replied. “But don’t you think it’s a little risky?�
“Yeah, it’s risky. But it’s a risk I’m prepared to take.�
I felt quite touched by his comment. He was going to risk so much just to take me, ME of all the people in the world to the Grammies? He was crazy. Why was he doing this?
“Haven’t you thought about the media though? What will you tell them if they ask questions to as why I’m with you? What if they start thinking things? You know the media Billie Joe. They’ll write anything about you that seems possible. Haven’t you thought about it?�
“Yeah, I’ve thought about it.� He smiled. “I’ll manage to think something up though.�
I looked at him, unsure by his arrangements. This was fucking complicated. If I didn’t go, I would regret this for the rest of my whole entire life. If I did go though, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy myself because I would be too nervous on what people were thinking. I wanted to go with all my heart, believe me, but I wasn’t going to say anything for sure until I knew definitely myself and had thought this through.
“I’ll think about it.� I told him once again, his face lightening up a bit.
“Promise?�
“Promise.�
A shrieking ring ran through the room as the phone ran. I looked at Billie Joe who shrugged his shoulders before I wandered off of the balcony and into the room to investigate. I leaned across my bed to reach the phone on the bedside cabinet and pulled it close to my ear.
“Hello?� I asked, waiting for an answer.
“Hey Stef,� Tre sang on the other end of the phone. “Is Billie Joe with you?�
“Yeah, he is.� I answered, leaning back to turn and look at Billie Joe. “You wanna speak to him?�
“Yeah dude.� He sang again, bursting with energy still.
I handed the phone in the direction of Billie Joe, who just stared at it. I waved it about a bit for him to understand that it was for him. He walked towards me and took the phone out of my hand. He slowly put to his ear and looked at me before answering.
“Hello?� He asked, before relaxing after hearing Tre’s voice. “Hi Tre. Yeah, sure…but what about…I know, but I’m kinda busy…�
I left him to carry on having his lecture with Tre as I walked into the bathroom. God, I was a fucking mess. I looked at myself hard in the mirror – a picture of a failure. I grabbed a face cloth that was by the basin and rubbed it on my face, wiping off the stained black tears and the eyeliner. My eyes were bloodshot and watery and they stung like hell. The fact that I was tired didn’t help either. I paused for a moment to hear Billie Joe telling Tre to tell ‘them to fuck off back where they came from.’ Whoever ‘them’ were. I slowly lifted up the side of my top; to reveal my big bollocking of a bruise Louisa had given me a few nights ago. It was still fresh; painful and visible. It was weird, because when Jimmy had mentioned my beating, my side had seemed to burn; as if it held all my anger and pain I was feeling. I’m talking shit, I’ll shut the fuck up now. I heard Billie Joe place the receiver back on the handset as he sighed deeply. He appeared behind me looking really pissed off as I looked in the mirror.
“I’ve…I’ve got to go.� He confessed, scratching the back of his neck.
“Why?� I asked, disappointed, turning around to see face him.
“Press.� He simply answered, rolling his eyes annoyed.
I should have known. He could never run away from the press, that’s what I was afraid about if I went to the Grammies with him. The press would always be there. It WAS part of his job though.
“So that’s who you were telling Tre to say fuck off to then.� I joked, managing a smile.
“Yeah.� He laughed, stretching up, his black shirt riding up his chest.
“I guess you better go then.� I mumbled, trying not to show my disappointment.
“Yeah. The next thing I’ll know the press will be in my pants with me.� He joked, laughing at himself.
What way was I meant to take that? Did he want the press in his pants!? Wish I were in his pants though.
“I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then, yeah?� He smiled casually at me.
I nodded as I looked down at my feet, feeling slightly upset that he had to go. I didn’t want to be on my own. I was now scared of being on my own. Loneliness never waited by my door. It just swept through like a virus and it would never be ignored. I hated it.
“Will you be alright?� He asked, rubbing my arm in a sympathetic way, and also realising I was a little upset.
“Yeah…� I grumbled. “Will YOU be ok?�
He looked slightly taken back by my question as I looked up at him for an answer.
“Yeah, I’ll be fine.� He murmured, partly lying.
Without thinking, I slowly wrapped my arms around him, wanting some comfort. I felt safe whenever I was with Billie Joe. A feeling I only felt when I was ever with him. I wanted to be like this forever. I keep saying that don’t I? I felt him loop his comforting arms around my neck and shoulders, clasping them tight and caging me inside of him.
“I know today’s been…hard.� He started, whispering in my ear. “But we’ve got to stay strong. We can’t let bastards like them get the better of us. Life’s a bitch, I know, but you just have to keep going and trying.�
His voice was muffled against me as I listened carefully to his words of wisdom.
“We’ll get through this together, ok?�
He pulled away from me and clasped his hands on my arms and looked me carefully in the eye. I nodded childishly again, rubbing my tired eyes. He gave me another hug before he smiled and headed towards the door. I followed close behind him, out of the bathroom and to the door. He turned round to say goodbye, but met me on the lips as I was so close behind him. I looked at him mid light kiss, a little surprised but not going to complain otherwise!
“I’ll see you tomorrow then.� He softly said, before stopping to pause. “You’ll think about it, yeah?�
He was still trying to get me to go to the Grammies with him. Anyone else would have jumped at the offer straight away, but I had to think about this one. I wasn’t a stranger; there were feelings involved that could be exposed to the public. He must be really desperate for me to go though if he kept asking.
“Yes. I’ll think about it.� I assured him, smiling tiredly.
“Well, see ya then kid.� He smoothly whispered, having nothing else to say.
He wandered off down the hallway, heading towards the stairs and dragging his feet; his converse earning scratches. I closed the door behind him and leaned against it for a while, lost in my own thoughts. I had a headache from crying so much earlier. I hadn’t had a headache for ages – and I mean ages. I searched for some paracetamol amongst my hand luggage and took a dose. My head hurt so much – I was so confused right now. So would anyone else if they had just experienced the day I had. Did Billie Joe really mean what he had said down in the parking lot? Did he really love me? Or was he just saying that for comfort and to make me feel better? I guess I’ll never know. I collapsed on my bed in exhaustion of today’s events. Too much had happened for me to take in all at once. Billie Joe was going to take me to the Grammies. Well, he wanted to. Put it that way. I didn’t know whether I was going yet or not. In my heart and dreams, I was screaming madly ‘yes.’ But reality and my conscience we’re telling me to forget about it. I needed to make things right before we went any further with each other. I few we ever were going to. Things were complicated enough already. I had to start sorting my life out, starting with my mum. I hesitated before I picked up the phone by my bed and dialled the International code to the UK, followed by my house number. ‘Please hold, we are trying to connect you’ the operator message said on the other end of the phone. I had to talk to her, make her see sense about things that had become between us. It wasn’t going to be easy, but if I didn’t do it now, then I didn’t know when I actually would. The line started ringing, as my nervous built up inside. I had to tell her where I was, and whom I was with, then maybe she’d trust me a little bit more. Maybe telling her that Billie Joe was taking care of me would ease things off. But then again, he was the lead singer of the band she loved to hate and throw abuse at. She had never understood Green Day full stop. I could always hope.
“Hello?� My mum grumbled on the other end of the line.
I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out. I was suddenly scared of her again, once hearing her voice. There was a long pause.
“Hello?!� She shrieked again, annoyed.
My heart thumped harshly inside, I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. A lump formed inside my throat.
“Who the hell is this?!� She screamed down the phone, causing me to pull it away from my ear because she was so loud. “Hello?!�
I suddenly threw the phone back down onto the handset, my nerves getting the better of me. Hearing her voice again had frightened me. I hadn’t heard her scream at me for a while. I suddenly felt scared again. I knew he was thousands of miles away and could never hurt me, but I felt scared and frightened about Tom coming to get me. I start to breathe heavily, the adrenaline rushing around my whole body. I heard someone walk down the hallway and past my door, making me jump and screw up into a little ball on my bed. It wasn’t until after 5 minutes the person had gone that I came out of my curled up position. I pulled the ends of my sleeves over my hands for some sort of comfort, wanting to hide away. I was scared. I wrapped my arms around me for protection and screwed up into a ball again after crawling under the bed. Covers. I lay petrified, my eyes darting about the room. I wanted Billie Joe here. I wanted him to tell me everything was ok. Everything grew suddenly silent, the atmosphere killing me. And as I started to cry myself to sleep, my eyelids dropped and I could feel myself slipping into an unconscious state of mind.
* * * * * * * *
I opened my eyes and stared right into Billie Joe. My poster of Billie Joe that is. God, he was damn sexy. Wait a minute; I didn’t have a poster there. I didn’t even have a wall there! Only at home…I…did. I turned around and looked straight ahead at another huge poster I had on my wall of Green Day. I looked up to come face to face with them again from another poster that was tacked to the ceiling. This wasn’t my hotel room. I suddenly came to my senses and shot bolt right up in bed. Holy shit…I couldn’t…be. It couldn’t be true…please don’t let me be where I think I am. I stared around my own room, the five thousand faces of Green Day staring blankly at me. I couldn’t be at home. Please don’t tell me that living with Green Day had all just been a dream. Please say I was dreaming THIS. I rubbed my eyes and looked around. I was home…I wanted to be with Billie Joe and Green Day back in America. There must have been some kind of mix up. Why was I here? I started to panic, madly darting my eyes around the room. I clambered out of my bed and ran down stairs as fast as I could, taking 2 or 3 steps at a jump. I stopped at the bottom and stared at my mum in horror.
“About time you got up.� She grunted at me, as I stood at the bottom of the stairs, dumbstruck at seeing her.
My mouth dropped open as I became more and more disappointed and scared by every breathing moment at the thought of being at home.
“Well don’t just stand there staring! Get up! There are things that need to be done!� She shrieked at me, shooing me back upstairs.
I ran madly up the stairs, rushing into my room and slamming the door shut. I flung myself onto my bed and stared up at all of my Green Day posters. Why was I here? Did I seriously dream all of that? I searched through my CD rack to find that the Insomniac CD that Mike had bought me wasn’t there. I sat back, dumbstruck. I was in total shock and confusion. I desperately wanted this to all be a dream. Something inside of me was missing, as if a part of me was trying to escape. I had to make sure that this was a dream, and ONLY a dream. Why the fucking hell was I here? Why? For fuck’s sake, why?! Billie Joe was going to take me to the Grammies for fuck’s sake, why was I here?! I wish I had said yes to him straight away now. I wanted him to know how I felt about him and that I was sorry for everything bad that had ever happened between us. If that HAD been a dream, I wanted to stay in it forever. Anything that included Green Day was better than this. I hadn’t realised until now but I was crying my eyes out. I didn’t deserve this. Why was this happening to me? I was so fucking confused. What if I wasn’t dreaming this? What if my mum had hidden Green Day or something? It sounded stupid I know but I was thinking of everything possible. Maybe she knew what was going on. I quickly got changed and ran downstairs to find my mother sitting at the kitchen table.
“Where’s Green Day?� I shouted at her, possibly thinking that she had sent them away or something.
Anything felt possible at the moment.
“Who?� She queried.
“Green Day!�
Who else would I be talking about? She knew I was always talking about them. I was already angry with her for the fact I was back at home.
“What are you going on about?� She frowned, giving me a dirty look.
“Where are they!?�
“How the hell do I know?!� She snorted, turning back to her newspaper.
“I was with them mum! Where did they go!?! Where have you put them?!� I screeched, the tears falling down my cheeks.
“For god’s sake, stop being so fucking stupid and go away and…do something!� She roared at me, pointing to the door leading out of the kitchen. “Go and clean your room!�
I ran back upstairs to meet face to face once again with my Green Day posters. A constant reminder of the people I loved the most, who were now missing from my life. I had to find them. If it were the last thing I did, I would find them. I didn’t care how fucking long it took me, I had to be back with them. I grabbed a bag and started packing all of my things. I didn’t belong here – but with Green Day and in the comfort of Billie Joe. I leaned across my bed and reached for my guitar that was in the gap between the headrest bars and the wall. I picked it up and rested it on my lap. You know what, I would be happy to see Jimmy or Toni right now. Just to tell me that all that had happened were still true. I didn’t have a fucking clue on how I was here though. In my confusion and anger, I plugged the guitar into its amp and strummed on it loudly. I hoped and prayed that this was all just a nasty dream. I didn’t want this to be real. I started to strum Jesus of Suburbia, reminding me of the final. Then it suddenly caught onto me, this was my Fender Jagstang that Billie Joe had brought me, and I was playing Jesus Of Suburbia. Things that I had gained from my life with Green Day. Something here wasn’t right. But my mum was acting as if nothing had happened, as if I had never left the house. This was weird – It was as if none of it had happened, but I had the Fender from Billie Joe and could play the Jesus of Suburbia. I looked up at my poster of Billie Joe, waiting for an answer. Where are you Billie Joe? Please tell me this is all just a nightmare. I grabbed my Green Day CD’s and chucked them into the bag I had started to pack, along with my discman. I had to think of a way to get out of here first though. Where would I go? Where would I look for Green Day? I had no fucking idea but I HAD to find them. That was all I cared about doing right now. I started to pack some spare clothes, throwing them into the bag with my other stuff.
“Stef!� Someone shrieked up the stairs at me.
I shot my head in the direction of the sound, my heart pounding inside of me. I suddenly kicked my bag under the bed, so know one who decided to come in my room would find it and suspect something.
“Stephanie!!!!� The voice boomed up the stairs again.
I hated it when people called me ‘Stephanie.’ That was my full name, but it made me cringe. It was Tom, my step-dad. Now I was fucking scared. I had never been this scared of him before, because I had always been used to him. But since staying with Green Day, and being away from all my problems I had gotten used to living without being shouted out. It had made me realise how bad I had been treated. I was scared of what he might do to me.
“Yes…� I called back down, hesitating a lot.
“Get off your arse and come and do the drying up!� He ordered, shouting up the stairs.
I immediately ran down stairs before he could accuse me of anything, the adrenaline rushing around my body. I stumbled into the kitchen to find him hunched over the sink, washing the dishes up.
“Well come on then!� He roared at me, seeing me just standing there by the door.
My mum had gone somewhere, I didn’t know where, but she wasn’t in the kitchen anymore. I grabbed a tea towel and started to pick the dishes up one by one and dry them clean before stacking them away. Where was Green Day? Why was I here? I didn’t want to be here. I’d rather be back in the parking lot facing another dose of humiliation from Jimmy. At least then I would be with Billie Joe, Mike and Tre. I had to get away. I looked at the notice board as I got up from putting a dish away. It had a booklet pinned on it that read ‘Keep your authority clean!’ It reminded me of one of my favourite Green Day song, Minority. ‘I wanna be the minority, I don’t need your authority, down with the moral majority ‘cos I wanna be the minority.’ I started to hum the chorus as I picked up another dish.
“Stop singing them fucking songs.� He grunted at me, glaring.
What did he have against me humming? I couldn’t stay here. I had to get back to my life with Green Day and my relationship with Billie Joe. I had never admitted that we had one before, but now it had been taken away from me, it made me realise that there was feelings between us. I turned around to put the latest plate away, giving him an evil look. As I swung round on the spot, my converse overlapped each other, making me trip. The plate flew out of my hands as I regained my balance. I shot my hand out like a bullet and managed to just catch hold of the plate. I was quick. I had to be when I lived in a house and with people like this. I sighed a sigh of relief, before I placed the plate back on the side. Suddenly, Tom swung round and grabbed me around the neck with his big hands.
“What the fuck did you think you were doing?� He cried, glaring into me.
He reminded me of Billie Joe when he had caught my smoking on the balcony of my hotel room. Except Billie Joe had never even touched me in an abusive way, and I don’t think he ever would. I clasped one of my hands around his arm, trying to force him off of my neck.
“What did you think you were doing?!� He screamed again, turning nastily angry.
“It was..an..accident.� I managed to croak without putting too much pressure onto my throat and neck.
He suddenly tightened his grip on me, as I felt my face turning a deep shade of red. I reached down with my other hand and tried to find something in my pocket to fight him off with. I fumbled around and felt a long piece of material, wondering what the hell it was. I pulled a corner of it out of my pocket and in the corner of my eye looked down. To my surprise it was Billie Joe’s polka dot tie he had taken off the night we had nearly slept with each other. This was weird. Where was Billie Joe? He had to be around here somewhere. I could feel him near me. Tom’s eyes widened and seemed to bulge out of their sockets as he breathed heavily onto me. I could feel myself slipping away, no oxygen being able to reach to my lungs. I heaved badly as I tried to force him off, but all my energy had been drained. I clung tightly to Billie Joe’s tie in distress, feeling a small lump arise in my throat. Tom was now out of control. I wanted Billie Joe; I wanted to be in his arms. I gave it one more try at trying to fight him off, but his strength on my throat and neck was just too much. I suddenly lost the will to live. If I wasn’t going to be with Green Day anymore then I didn’t see a point in living in this shit tip. I couldn’t even cry because I was so weak. I looked up at him and everything started to turn horribly black. This was it. My step-dad had killed me; he had gotten what he wanted. I finally gave in, my energy and life draining away under his grasp, and Billie Joe’s tie slipping out of my hand and falling to the floor…
“What the hell are you doing?!� He cried at me.
“What?� I asked, as if what I was doing wasn’t wrong.
“Smoking!� He screeched, reaching over and snatching the fag out of my hand before I could have anymore. “What did you think you were doing?�
“I…I…� I stammered, knowing I was wrong and looking away, ashamed. “I was trying to take away the stress.�
“Well don’t.� He told me, throwing the cigarette over the balcony. “It’s not good for you.�
I watched as it plundered down to the ground below.
“But you do it.� I answered back. “It was your cigarette and your lighter I used anyway.�
“Well, I’m older than you and I guess I should know better. But you’re just a kid.�
Just a kid. That was all I was. A kid. He thought of me as only a kid. There was no chance for us then. He had just explained our ‘relationship’ in a nutshell. He was older than me and should know better, and I was just a kid. I looked away at his comment, saddened.
“Oh, shit…I…I didn’t mean it…like that.� He stuttered, realising his faults and immediately apologising. “I was trying to prove my point about you smoking.�
“No, you’re right." I sighed, being sarcastic. “I am just a kid.�
“No, Stef, listen.� He whispered to me, taking hold of my arm from by my side. “I honestly didn’t mean it…like that. I should have thought.�
“Like what?� I asked, wanting to hear it personally from him instead of just assuming.
“Like…� he started, looking away slightly, before looking back up. “Like…we could never be. I was just trying to stop you from smoking. I don’t want you to turn out like me.�
What was he going on about? I had once wanted to be so much like Billie Joe. In a way, I still wanted to. Was it a bad thing to turn out like him? No, it wasn’t, but he seemed to think so. What he didn’t know was that there was a whole generation of fans out there trying to be him and live his lifestyle. I had been and was still one of them.
“If you need to take away the stress, do something else. But never smoke.� He advised me, exaggerating the ‘never smoke’ bit.
“What else can I do?� I sobbed at him, feeling desperate.
I looked up at him for an answer. He was still bruising from what Jimmy had said to him about his dad. Billie Joe never deserved any of that. I hated the guy with a vengeance. Even hate for him was not enough. Billie Joe looked away from me as he desperately tried to think of something to say in his frustration.
“I don’t know.� He murmured. “Just…do something. Play your guitar, scream as loud as you can, erm…Do what ever you have to do, but just, don’t smoke!�
He stopped in between each suggestion in trying to think of more ideas.
“Punch your pillow,� he continued. “Sing at the top of your voice, kiss me, jump about, just go fucking crazy…�
This would never relieve all of the stress and agony that was inside of me. Wait a fucking second. Did he just say what I thought he said? Did he just say, kiss me? I shot a look at him, my eyes widening.
“What?� I cried, stopping him mid-rambling. “What did you just say?!�
“Go fucking crazy…� he repeated, looking at me, stunned at my sudden outburst.
“No. Before that!�
“Jump about?� He answered, unsure of what I was getting at.
“No! Before that!� I nearly screamed.
“Um…kiss me…� He hesitated, slightly embarrassed.
I looked at him longingly. If only things were simple between us. He looked at me, I looked at him. We both seemed to engage at the same, moving in towards each other. The sun set down in the distance, as I closed my eyes. We moved in and touched lips, not knowing how long this was going to last for. I savoured the moment as I exploded once again inside; just like I had done every other time we had kissed. We pulled away slowly, Billie Joe taking in a fresh breath of air, his eyes still closed.
“Promise me you’ll never smoke again.� He asked me, his eyes closed as if he was reliving the kiss in his head.
I looked at his resting peaceful face in front of me.
“I promise.� I whispered back, in a trance and constantly gazing at him. There was a pause between us.
“Stef…� he started, slowly opening his eyes in a sexy way.
“Yeah?� I answered, still gazing into him.
“I’ve been meaning to ask you this for the last few days.�
“What is it?�
He opened his eyes fully and looked down, not knowing how to word things. I grew slightly nervous at him. What was he going to ask me?
“Erm…� he started again, managing to pluck up the courage. “I want you to come with me to the Grammies.�
“What?!� I cried out stunned.
“Come with me to the Grammies.�
“The Grammies?�
“Yes, the Grammies. You know, the big award show where we’re up for an award?� He sarcastically said, smiling.
“Are you being serious?�
“Yeah, of course I am.� He said, a little hurt at the suggestion that I had thought he wasn’t being serious.
See, now we were too close to each other to say anything without hurting one another.
“But, what about Adrienne?� I queried, looking at him.
“She’s…not coming.� He whispered, an expression of unhappiness on his face.
“Why?� I asked sympathetically, surprised.
“We…had…well…she just can’t make it. That’s all.�
“Billie Joe, I know something’s wrong.�
“It’s nothing that hasn’t happened before.�
“This is what happened the other night, isn’t it?�
“What other night?�
“The night before I got beaten up. I remember, the next day, you were so pissed off in the audition. And then when I asked you if you were ok on the phone you said there was nothing to worry about. But really, you’d had an argument with Adrienne, hadn’t you?�
“How’d you know all of this?� He asked, embarrassed.
“I may be stupid Billie Joe, but I’m not dumb.�
Most of this Tre had told me on the night he had visited me, a few hours after I had been attacked. I had known for a while that they had had an argument. I just didn’t want to mention it to him.
“We didn’t have an argument…� He stammered, trying to make things sound better than what they actually were. “Just a disagreement.�
He really didn’t want to admit that he’d had an argument with Adrienne, did he? I really did feel sorry for him.
“Are you sure it was just a ‘disagreement?’� I asked him, trying to get the truth out of him.
Call me nosy, but I wanted to find out what had happened. I wanted to help Billie Joe, like he had helped me numerous times. This time it was me asking he questions, and not him querying me.
“Yeah, I’m sure.� He mumbled.
He didn’t sound sure, that was one thing. If only he would open up to me.
“That’s why I want you to come Stef.� He pleaded with me. “I want someone to come with me. Please say you will.�
I was replacing his wife at an awards show, where thousands of people and Green Day fans would be watching. Not to mention the media being around every corner you turned. Someone was bound to notice that Adrienne wasn’t there but I was. The thought of being questioned to as why I was with Green Day freaked me out. I wanted to go, with all my heart I wanted to. But I had to think very hard and carefully about this one. If I went, I was risking so much – perhaps too much. Adrienne would find out sooner or later, and would want to know the truth about everything. She didn’t even know that I was staying with Green Day. Hadn’t Billie Joe thought about what would happen when she found all of this out? I wanted to go, this was an opportunity too fucking good to miss. Full stop. But this was going to be a tricky decision.
“I…I…� I stammered, not quite knowing what to say. “I don’t know.�
“At least say you’ll think about it.� He softly asked me, desperation in his voice.
I guess he only wanted someone to be there with him, apart from Mike and Tre. He missed Adrienne so much, I could tell. His eyes pleaded with mine.
“Ok…I’ll think about.� I replied. “But don’t you think it’s a little risky?�
“Yeah, it’s risky. But it’s a risk I’m prepared to take.�
I felt quite touched by his comment. He was going to risk so much just to take me, ME of all the people in the world to the Grammies? He was crazy. Why was he doing this?
“Haven’t you thought about the media though? What will you tell them if they ask questions to as why I’m with you? What if they start thinking things? You know the media Billie Joe. They’ll write anything about you that seems possible. Haven’t you thought about it?�
“Yeah, I’ve thought about it.� He smiled. “I’ll manage to think something up though.�
I looked at him, unsure by his arrangements. This was fucking complicated. If I didn’t go, I would regret this for the rest of my whole entire life. If I did go though, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy myself because I would be too nervous on what people were thinking. I wanted to go with all my heart, believe me, but I wasn’t going to say anything for sure until I knew definitely myself and had thought this through.
“I’ll think about it.� I told him once again, his face lightening up a bit.
“Promise?�
“Promise.�
A shrieking ring ran through the room as the phone ran. I looked at Billie Joe who shrugged his shoulders before I wandered off of the balcony and into the room to investigate. I leaned across my bed to reach the phone on the bedside cabinet and pulled it close to my ear.
“Hello?� I asked, waiting for an answer.
“Hey Stef,� Tre sang on the other end of the phone. “Is Billie Joe with you?�
“Yeah, he is.� I answered, leaning back to turn and look at Billie Joe. “You wanna speak to him?�
“Yeah dude.� He sang again, bursting with energy still.
I handed the phone in the direction of Billie Joe, who just stared at it. I waved it about a bit for him to understand that it was for him. He walked towards me and took the phone out of my hand. He slowly put to his ear and looked at me before answering.
“Hello?� He asked, before relaxing after hearing Tre’s voice. “Hi Tre. Yeah, sure…but what about…I know, but I’m kinda busy…�
I left him to carry on having his lecture with Tre as I walked into the bathroom. God, I was a fucking mess. I looked at myself hard in the mirror – a picture of a failure. I grabbed a face cloth that was by the basin and rubbed it on my face, wiping off the stained black tears and the eyeliner. My eyes were bloodshot and watery and they stung like hell. The fact that I was tired didn’t help either. I paused for a moment to hear Billie Joe telling Tre to tell ‘them to fuck off back where they came from.’ Whoever ‘them’ were. I slowly lifted up the side of my top; to reveal my big bollocking of a bruise Louisa had given me a few nights ago. It was still fresh; painful and visible. It was weird, because when Jimmy had mentioned my beating, my side had seemed to burn; as if it held all my anger and pain I was feeling. I’m talking shit, I’ll shut the fuck up now. I heard Billie Joe place the receiver back on the handset as he sighed deeply. He appeared behind me looking really pissed off as I looked in the mirror.
“I’ve…I’ve got to go.� He confessed, scratching the back of his neck.
“Why?� I asked, disappointed, turning around to see face him.
“Press.� He simply answered, rolling his eyes annoyed.
I should have known. He could never run away from the press, that’s what I was afraid about if I went to the Grammies with him. The press would always be there. It WAS part of his job though.
“So that’s who you were telling Tre to say fuck off to then.� I joked, managing a smile.
“Yeah.� He laughed, stretching up, his black shirt riding up his chest.
“I guess you better go then.� I mumbled, trying not to show my disappointment.
“Yeah. The next thing I’ll know the press will be in my pants with me.� He joked, laughing at himself.
What way was I meant to take that? Did he want the press in his pants!? Wish I were in his pants though.
“I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then, yeah?� He smiled casually at me.
I nodded as I looked down at my feet, feeling slightly upset that he had to go. I didn’t want to be on my own. I was now scared of being on my own. Loneliness never waited by my door. It just swept through like a virus and it would never be ignored. I hated it.
“Will you be alright?� He asked, rubbing my arm in a sympathetic way, and also realising I was a little upset.
“Yeah…� I grumbled. “Will YOU be ok?�
He looked slightly taken back by my question as I looked up at him for an answer.
“Yeah, I’ll be fine.� He murmured, partly lying.
Without thinking, I slowly wrapped my arms around him, wanting some comfort. I felt safe whenever I was with Billie Joe. A feeling I only felt when I was ever with him. I wanted to be like this forever. I keep saying that don’t I? I felt him loop his comforting arms around my neck and shoulders, clasping them tight and caging me inside of him.
“I know today’s been…hard.� He started, whispering in my ear. “But we’ve got to stay strong. We can’t let bastards like them get the better of us. Life’s a bitch, I know, but you just have to keep going and trying.�
His voice was muffled against me as I listened carefully to his words of wisdom.
“We’ll get through this together, ok?�
He pulled away from me and clasped his hands on my arms and looked me carefully in the eye. I nodded childishly again, rubbing my tired eyes. He gave me another hug before he smiled and headed towards the door. I followed close behind him, out of the bathroom and to the door. He turned round to say goodbye, but met me on the lips as I was so close behind him. I looked at him mid light kiss, a little surprised but not going to complain otherwise!
“I’ll see you tomorrow then.� He softly said, before stopping to pause. “You’ll think about it, yeah?�
He was still trying to get me to go to the Grammies with him. Anyone else would have jumped at the offer straight away, but I had to think about this one. I wasn’t a stranger; there were feelings involved that could be exposed to the public. He must be really desperate for me to go though if he kept asking.
“Yes. I’ll think about it.� I assured him, smiling tiredly.
“Well, see ya then kid.� He smoothly whispered, having nothing else to say.
He wandered off down the hallway, heading towards the stairs and dragging his feet; his converse earning scratches. I closed the door behind him and leaned against it for a while, lost in my own thoughts. I had a headache from crying so much earlier. I hadn’t had a headache for ages – and I mean ages. I searched for some paracetamol amongst my hand luggage and took a dose. My head hurt so much – I was so confused right now. So would anyone else if they had just experienced the day I had. Did Billie Joe really mean what he had said down in the parking lot? Did he really love me? Or was he just saying that for comfort and to make me feel better? I guess I’ll never know. I collapsed on my bed in exhaustion of today’s events. Too much had happened for me to take in all at once. Billie Joe was going to take me to the Grammies. Well, he wanted to. Put it that way. I didn’t know whether I was going yet or not. In my heart and dreams, I was screaming madly ‘yes.’ But reality and my conscience we’re telling me to forget about it. I needed to make things right before we went any further with each other. I few we ever were going to. Things were complicated enough already. I had to start sorting my life out, starting with my mum. I hesitated before I picked up the phone by my bed and dialled the International code to the UK, followed by my house number. ‘Please hold, we are trying to connect you’ the operator message said on the other end of the phone. I had to talk to her, make her see sense about things that had become between us. It wasn’t going to be easy, but if I didn’t do it now, then I didn’t know when I actually would. The line started ringing, as my nervous built up inside. I had to tell her where I was, and whom I was with, then maybe she’d trust me a little bit more. Maybe telling her that Billie Joe was taking care of me would ease things off. But then again, he was the lead singer of the band she loved to hate and throw abuse at. She had never understood Green Day full stop. I could always hope.
“Hello?� My mum grumbled on the other end of the line.
I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out. I was suddenly scared of her again, once hearing her voice. There was a long pause.
“Hello?!� She shrieked again, annoyed.
My heart thumped harshly inside, I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. A lump formed inside my throat.
“Who the hell is this?!� She screamed down the phone, causing me to pull it away from my ear because she was so loud. “Hello?!�
I suddenly threw the phone back down onto the handset, my nerves getting the better of me. Hearing her voice again had frightened me. I hadn’t heard her scream at me for a while. I suddenly felt scared again. I knew he was thousands of miles away and could never hurt me, but I felt scared and frightened about Tom coming to get me. I start to breathe heavily, the adrenaline rushing around my whole body. I heard someone walk down the hallway and past my door, making me jump and screw up into a little ball on my bed. It wasn’t until after 5 minutes the person had gone that I came out of my curled up position. I pulled the ends of my sleeves over my hands for some sort of comfort, wanting to hide away. I was scared. I wrapped my arms around me for protection and screwed up into a ball again after crawling under the bed. Covers. I lay petrified, my eyes darting about the room. I wanted Billie Joe here. I wanted him to tell me everything was ok. Everything grew suddenly silent, the atmosphere killing me. And as I started to cry myself to sleep, my eyelids dropped and I could feel myself slipping into an unconscious state of mind.
* * * * * * * *
I opened my eyes and stared right into Billie Joe. My poster of Billie Joe that is. God, he was damn sexy. Wait a minute; I didn’t have a poster there. I didn’t even have a wall there! Only at home…I…did. I turned around and looked straight ahead at another huge poster I had on my wall of Green Day. I looked up to come face to face with them again from another poster that was tacked to the ceiling. This wasn’t my hotel room. I suddenly came to my senses and shot bolt right up in bed. Holy shit…I couldn’t…be. It couldn’t be true…please don’t let me be where I think I am. I stared around my own room, the five thousand faces of Green Day staring blankly at me. I couldn’t be at home. Please don’t tell me that living with Green Day had all just been a dream. Please say I was dreaming THIS. I rubbed my eyes and looked around. I was home…I wanted to be with Billie Joe and Green Day back in America. There must have been some kind of mix up. Why was I here? I started to panic, madly darting my eyes around the room. I clambered out of my bed and ran down stairs as fast as I could, taking 2 or 3 steps at a jump. I stopped at the bottom and stared at my mum in horror.
“About time you got up.� She grunted at me, as I stood at the bottom of the stairs, dumbstruck at seeing her.
My mouth dropped open as I became more and more disappointed and scared by every breathing moment at the thought of being at home.
“Well don’t just stand there staring! Get up! There are things that need to be done!� She shrieked at me, shooing me back upstairs.
I ran madly up the stairs, rushing into my room and slamming the door shut. I flung myself onto my bed and stared up at all of my Green Day posters. Why was I here? Did I seriously dream all of that? I searched through my CD rack to find that the Insomniac CD that Mike had bought me wasn’t there. I sat back, dumbstruck. I was in total shock and confusion. I desperately wanted this to all be a dream. Something inside of me was missing, as if a part of me was trying to escape. I had to make sure that this was a dream, and ONLY a dream. Why the fucking hell was I here? Why? For fuck’s sake, why?! Billie Joe was going to take me to the Grammies for fuck’s sake, why was I here?! I wish I had said yes to him straight away now. I wanted him to know how I felt about him and that I was sorry for everything bad that had ever happened between us. If that HAD been a dream, I wanted to stay in it forever. Anything that included Green Day was better than this. I hadn’t realised until now but I was crying my eyes out. I didn’t deserve this. Why was this happening to me? I was so fucking confused. What if I wasn’t dreaming this? What if my mum had hidden Green Day or something? It sounded stupid I know but I was thinking of everything possible. Maybe she knew what was going on. I quickly got changed and ran downstairs to find my mother sitting at the kitchen table.
“Where’s Green Day?� I shouted at her, possibly thinking that she had sent them away or something.
Anything felt possible at the moment.
“Who?� She queried.
“Green Day!�
Who else would I be talking about? She knew I was always talking about them. I was already angry with her for the fact I was back at home.
“What are you going on about?� She frowned, giving me a dirty look.
“Where are they!?�
“How the hell do I know?!� She snorted, turning back to her newspaper.
“I was with them mum! Where did they go!?! Where have you put them?!� I screeched, the tears falling down my cheeks.
“For god’s sake, stop being so fucking stupid and go away and…do something!� She roared at me, pointing to the door leading out of the kitchen. “Go and clean your room!�
I ran back upstairs to meet face to face once again with my Green Day posters. A constant reminder of the people I loved the most, who were now missing from my life. I had to find them. If it were the last thing I did, I would find them. I didn’t care how fucking long it took me, I had to be back with them. I grabbed a bag and started packing all of my things. I didn’t belong here – but with Green Day and in the comfort of Billie Joe. I leaned across my bed and reached for my guitar that was in the gap between the headrest bars and the wall. I picked it up and rested it on my lap. You know what, I would be happy to see Jimmy or Toni right now. Just to tell me that all that had happened were still true. I didn’t have a fucking clue on how I was here though. In my confusion and anger, I plugged the guitar into its amp and strummed on it loudly. I hoped and prayed that this was all just a nasty dream. I didn’t want this to be real. I started to strum Jesus of Suburbia, reminding me of the final. Then it suddenly caught onto me, this was my Fender Jagstang that Billie Joe had brought me, and I was playing Jesus Of Suburbia. Things that I had gained from my life with Green Day. Something here wasn’t right. But my mum was acting as if nothing had happened, as if I had never left the house. This was weird – It was as if none of it had happened, but I had the Fender from Billie Joe and could play the Jesus of Suburbia. I looked up at my poster of Billie Joe, waiting for an answer. Where are you Billie Joe? Please tell me this is all just a nightmare. I grabbed my Green Day CD’s and chucked them into the bag I had started to pack, along with my discman. I had to think of a way to get out of here first though. Where would I go? Where would I look for Green Day? I had no fucking idea but I HAD to find them. That was all I cared about doing right now. I started to pack some spare clothes, throwing them into the bag with my other stuff.
“Stef!� Someone shrieked up the stairs at me.
I shot my head in the direction of the sound, my heart pounding inside of me. I suddenly kicked my bag under the bed, so know one who decided to come in my room would find it and suspect something.
“Stephanie!!!!� The voice boomed up the stairs again.
I hated it when people called me ‘Stephanie.’ That was my full name, but it made me cringe. It was Tom, my step-dad. Now I was fucking scared. I had never been this scared of him before, because I had always been used to him. But since staying with Green Day, and being away from all my problems I had gotten used to living without being shouted out. It had made me realise how bad I had been treated. I was scared of what he might do to me.
“Yes…� I called back down, hesitating a lot.
“Get off your arse and come and do the drying up!� He ordered, shouting up the stairs.
I immediately ran down stairs before he could accuse me of anything, the adrenaline rushing around my body. I stumbled into the kitchen to find him hunched over the sink, washing the dishes up.
“Well come on then!� He roared at me, seeing me just standing there by the door.
My mum had gone somewhere, I didn’t know where, but she wasn’t in the kitchen anymore. I grabbed a tea towel and started to pick the dishes up one by one and dry them clean before stacking them away. Where was Green Day? Why was I here? I didn’t want to be here. I’d rather be back in the parking lot facing another dose of humiliation from Jimmy. At least then I would be with Billie Joe, Mike and Tre. I had to get away. I looked at the notice board as I got up from putting a dish away. It had a booklet pinned on it that read ‘Keep your authority clean!’ It reminded me of one of my favourite Green Day song, Minority. ‘I wanna be the minority, I don’t need your authority, down with the moral majority ‘cos I wanna be the minority.’ I started to hum the chorus as I picked up another dish.
“Stop singing them fucking songs.� He grunted at me, glaring.
What did he have against me humming? I couldn’t stay here. I had to get back to my life with Green Day and my relationship with Billie Joe. I had never admitted that we had one before, but now it had been taken away from me, it made me realise that there was feelings between us. I turned around to put the latest plate away, giving him an evil look. As I swung round on the spot, my converse overlapped each other, making me trip. The plate flew out of my hands as I regained my balance. I shot my hand out like a bullet and managed to just catch hold of the plate. I was quick. I had to be when I lived in a house and with people like this. I sighed a sigh of relief, before I placed the plate back on the side. Suddenly, Tom swung round and grabbed me around the neck with his big hands.
“What the fuck did you think you were doing?� He cried, glaring into me.
He reminded me of Billie Joe when he had caught my smoking on the balcony of my hotel room. Except Billie Joe had never even touched me in an abusive way, and I don’t think he ever would. I clasped one of my hands around his arm, trying to force him off of my neck.
“What did you think you were doing?!� He screamed again, turning nastily angry.
“It was..an..accident.� I managed to croak without putting too much pressure onto my throat and neck.
He suddenly tightened his grip on me, as I felt my face turning a deep shade of red. I reached down with my other hand and tried to find something in my pocket to fight him off with. I fumbled around and felt a long piece of material, wondering what the hell it was. I pulled a corner of it out of my pocket and in the corner of my eye looked down. To my surprise it was Billie Joe’s polka dot tie he had taken off the night we had nearly slept with each other. This was weird. Where was Billie Joe? He had to be around here somewhere. I could feel him near me. Tom’s eyes widened and seemed to bulge out of their sockets as he breathed heavily onto me. I could feel myself slipping away, no oxygen being able to reach to my lungs. I heaved badly as I tried to force him off, but all my energy had been drained. I clung tightly to Billie Joe’s tie in distress, feeling a small lump arise in my throat. Tom was now out of control. I wanted Billie Joe; I wanted to be in his arms. I gave it one more try at trying to fight him off, but his strength on my throat and neck was just too much. I suddenly lost the will to live. If I wasn’t going to be with Green Day anymore then I didn’t see a point in living in this shit tip. I couldn’t even cry because I was so weak. I looked up at him and everything started to turn horribly black. This was it. My step-dad had killed me; he had gotten what he wanted. I finally gave in, my energy and life draining away under his grasp, and Billie Joe’s tie slipping out of my hand and falling to the floor…
