A Note Don't Come Easy, chapter 22
Billie Joe looked over my shoulder at his two fellow band members. This was tearing him in half, I could tell by the look on his face. Billie Joe glanced at me, as the taxi driver leaned out of the window and shouted something at us all.
"Are you going to get in or what? I've got a pick up in 20 minutes." He seemed to shout at Billie Joe in particular.
God, he was so impatient, I wanted to smack him one. I bet he didn't even know who he was talking to.
"Come on Billie Joe." Mike whined, pleading, half in and half out of the taxi, the door almost closed.
Tre sat slouched in the taxi, hanging his head out of the open window that was on the door Mike was about to open for the second time.
"Come on Billie Joe... " Tre pleaded. "Just get in with Stef."
"Look, if you don't get in this taxi now, I'm going to leave without you!" The taxi driver yelled hoarsely again at Billie Joe.
"Shit Billie Joe!" Mike screeched looking panic stricken.
This was all happening too fast. I watched in heartbreak as Billie Joe quickly picked up his suitcase and plundered down the stairs towards the taxi. I had lost him. There was nothing I could do. Mike went to open the door to the taxi again when Billie Joe stopped suddenly in his tracks, freezing.
"No, wait." He cried to them, suddenly deciding. "I'm not coming. I'm gonna stay here with Stef."
Holy nuts, he was going to stay with me? But... why? My sense picked up at his sudden outburst. I didn't ask him to stay; I just wanted to go with them. That was all.
"What?" Mike asked, looking at us two.
"It's just easier." Billie Joe told him. "At least we're split up, so I guess this way it will be harder for the cops to find us. Come on Mike, it makes sense."
"Look, if I'm late for this pick up," the taxi driver started again, shouting. "I'm going to - "
"Oh shut your cake hole!" I screamed at him, cutting him short.
I wasn't going to let the taxi driver ruin this anymore. Tre just looked at me and started laughing hysterically. The taxi driver was pissing me off. He should be grateful that Green Day were even stepping foot near his god damn taxi.
"It's alright. I'll stay here and you two can go. I don't mind." Billie Joe told Mike, leaning on his suitcase.
"But WE do mind." Mike moaned, giving him a puppy dog eye face. "It just makes things so much easier if you come with us."
Billie Joe gave it a moment's thought before finally deciding.
"No, my mind's made up. I'm staying here."
"Suit yourself Billie Joe." Mike sighed, climbing into the taxi after Tre had decided to not lean out of the window anymore.
The door to the taxi shut behind him and he popped his head out of the window.
"We'll talk about this tonight at the gig." He called out to Billie Joe. "Just, keep safe ok?"
The taxi rolled out of the parking lot to the hotel, Tre waving hysterically to us out of the back window. I wonder if he ever thought that the cops could be watching him do that? Oh well, they would have jumped out with their pistols by now if they were here. Both Billie Joe and I stood on the hotel entrance steps as we watched the vehicle disappear in the distance. There was a slight pause between us as the taxi disappeared out of sight, with Mike and Tre inside.
"Come on, let's go inside." Billie Joe sighed, dragging his suitcase back up the stairs as I followed him timidly.
I quickly looked back to see if the taxi had gone, still wondering why the hell Billie Joe had chosen to stay here. We both didn't say a word to each other as we plundered up the familiar staircases, back to now Billie Joe's room. The door was still open from when I had ran after them a little while ago. He threw his suitcase in the corner after slamming the door behind him. It hit the wall and bounced onto the floor on its side. He stared at it for a few seconds then threw his hand in the air at it.
"Fuck it... " He mumbled, walking away from it and over to the mini bar that was by the tube. "You want anything to eat?"
"Nah thanks, I'm ok." I answered him, feeling awkward.
"Drink?" He asked again, searching amongst the variety of drink cans.
"Nah."
"Not even for a Coke?" He tempted, waving a can of Coke at me, smiling.
He still remembered. He still remembered the time when I had snatched my only Coke off of him, only a few days after we had met. I couldn't resist him. It was just like old times, if they were really that old at all. He knew how to tempt me didn't he? At least he hadn't forgotten.
"Yeah, go on then." I gave in, putting my hand out to take the Coke from him.
He passed the can to me before searching for something for himself. I opened the can in my hand and took a gulp, the fizziness buzzing on my tongue. He stood up from crouching down in front of the mini bar with a can of beer in his hand. Wasn't it a bit early in the morning for beer? I guess it was too early for Coke though as well. We both constantly took swigs from our own individual drinks, Billie Joe sitting on the edge of his bed. He looked at me as I stood in the middle of the room, sipping on my Coke. He patted the space of the duvet next to him with his free hand, beckoning me over. I hesitantly walked over and sat next to him in the space. He put his arm around me and held me close to his side, staring down at the floor. I just continued to hold onto my Coke as I let him hold on to me. I joined him in staring at the grubby carpet on the floor. Thinking back to the day when Billie Joe had taken my Coke reminded me of the phone call with Emma. I hadn't spoken to her since then. No one had spoken to me at all actually, apart from her and my mum. If Emma hadn't believed that I was with Billie Joe back then, then there was no hope in her believing me if I told her everything that had happened between us since. I remember that day as if it was only yesterday. The two phone calls with Emma, the kiss with Billie Joe, Adrienne calling, the brown bag... wait, the brown bag! I never found out what was in it. I had intended to ask Billie Joe what was in it, but I guess I just forgotten about it. I remember, Billie Joe had pointed to a brown bag he had brought with him whilst I was on the phone to Emma, and then he had picked it back up to take back to his room with him when he left. Well, I guess there was only one way to find out. I glanced up at Billie Joe, clasping my hands around my can of Coke.
"Billie Joe... "
"Hmmm."
God, it was going to be another repeat performance of when I told him I was going to the Grammies with him about an hour ago.
"Do you remember the day when we first kissed? And Adrienne phoned?" I hesitated, not wanting to mention it too much.
It was weird talking about his wife. I felt awkward because it kind of sounded like I was comparing us, and mentioning her in a lower form. I wasn't though, and I never would. It was my only way of getting Billie Joe to remember.
"Yeah, I remember." He told me, his chest moving against me from breathing. "How could I forget it?"
"Well, do you remember the brown bag?"
"Brown bag?!"
"You had a brown bag that you brought in with you. You pointed to it when I was on the phone to Emma when you had just come in." I tried to make him think back.
"Oh yeah, I think I can remember it."
"Well, what was in it?" I asked, moving off of him and looking into his gorgeous green eyes.
He looked me back in the eye, smiling slightly before taking another sip of his cold beer.
"Billie Joe... ?" I cooed again, still waiting for an answer.
Without saying anything, he leaned across the room and dug something out of the front pocket of his suitcase. He dragged out the exact same brown paper bag and dumped it on my lap. I looked at him and then the bag that was scrumpled in my lap. He continued to drink as I opened the bag carefully, the paper creasing as I went. I put my hand into the bag and pulled out a red and black guitar strap.
"Wah... ?" I asked in confusion, the strap folded in my palm.
"When we first met I realised that the strap on your guitar was busted, so I got you a new one. Having a busted strap does no favours to your back, trust me. I guess you don't need it anymore though do you?" He told me, finishing off his drink.
"No, I guess not. But why I didn't you give it to me on the day? Why wait this long?" I asked him, as I was so confused.
"I just felt awkward after what had happened." He admitted, looking down. "After first kissing you and Adrienne calling at the same time, I just had to get away. I was so confused myself, I needed time to think and have my own space."
Oh my god. I never knew how he felt. I had been so foolish and selfish. At the time I thought he was just being awkward. Why did I never stop to think about Billie Joe? This wasn't all just to do with me. I had acted so stupidly after, but I had never stopped to think about what kind of effect it would have on him.
"I'm... sorry Billie Joe." I blurted out, hanging my head in shame and looking down at the guitar strap.
"What for?" He laughed.
"I just am. Just remember that please." I stuttered.
I didn't want him to know the reason why. It might cause another rift between us.
"Ok... " He mumbled, now even more confused and giving me a dodged look.
I sat on the edge of the bed still and fiddled with the strap in my hand, looping it around my fingers. Then something else suddenly sprang into my mind.
"Billie Joe, you remember the day when the police came knocking on my door whilst Tre was watching the tube and we we're... you know." I wondered.
He laughed before answering me. "Yeah, how can I forget that?"
I laughed with him, my face breaking out into a smile.
"Well, you came into my room when I was asleep to say something. I remember, and I was sleeping. You said to Tre that you would tell me later. That was like ages ago, back in the other hotel."
"Fucking hell! You remember everything don't you? You mean to say you weren't asleep at all? You were just pretending?" Billie Joe laughed, smirking.
I bit my lip in embarrassment now he had caught me out. I nodded my head slowly.
"I'm going to have to be more careful in the future when it comes to you." He laughed.
"Yeah, well... " I said, trying to quickly get to my point. "What we're you going to tell me?"
"Oh... " he stumbled over his words. "It's nothing really. It doesn't matter now."
"It does Billie Joe because I still wanna know." I pleaded with him. "It'll piss me off if I don't find out."
He bit his lip in hesitation, before chewing on his tongue.
"Well, if you really want to know, I had gone to tell you that I was sorry."
I looked at him in a confused state of mind. Sorry for what?
"To say sorry for neglecting you after the cops had turned up on your door. I shouldn't have blamed you for the influence Tre had on you. I came to say that I was sorry for leading you on and then suddenly ignoring you. But I guess that doesn't matter now."
He sighed in a little of embarrassment and looked back down at the floor, cradling his beer can in his hands. It always turned out like this. Both of us being sorry for what had happened between our mixed up emotions.
"Why didn't you tell me the next day then?" I asked, not meaning to push him.
"I guess I just felt embarrassed again, and I didn't want to bring it up again. I'm like that. Sometimes I just don't think." He muttered, putting hand to head and scratching lightly.
"Oh... " That's all I could say.
Tre had once said that Billie Joe was an emotional guy deep down. I never thought that Billie Joe would be embarrassed about our 'thing.' At the start, he was so confident, and it made me nervous. Now sometimes he was just as embarrassed as I seemed to be. Maybe because too much had happened between us. Things were just way too complicated, and sometimes I hated it.
"Billie Joe... " I cooed for the 3rd time today.
"Yeah... "
"Why did you stay?"
"God, what's with the questions tonight?" He asked, looking down on me again.
"But why?"
"Is it such a bad thing that I stayed?"
"No, it's not. But, why did you stay for me?" I asked, trying to get an answer out of him. "I'm not worth it. I've just caused even more problems for you now."
"Because...I wanted to stay." He admitted, putting his empty beer can on the floor by his feet. "And don't let me hear you say that you're not worth it again, otherwise I'll tickle you. And you haven't caused more problems at all. I stayed because I wanted to Stef."
I laughed to myself at his mentioning of another tickle fight. We had the best tickling fights. He had wanted to stay for me. I seemed to draw closer and closer to him by each thing he said.
"What about Tre and Mike?"
"What about them? They'll be fine. They don't need me to tell them what to do anymore. They're big enough guys." He answered. "Wanna watch the tube?"
"Erm, yeah... sure."
I think he didn't want to talk about it anymore. He leaned across the room from the bed and switched on the TV. Of all of things we COULD be doing, we were watching the tube. But in fact, it was quite nice. I rolled onto my front as we both sprawled out across his bed. There were 3 beds in the whole room, but we still shared the same one. It felt weird without Mike and Tre around, knowing they had gone and we didn't know where. Where the hell had they gone? It was just... weird. Billie Joe shuffled across the bed in the irritation of his clothes being twisted around him as he lay. I watched him out of the corner of my eye, pretending to be watching the tube. I didn't even know what we were watching. It was just there, in front of me. He grunted quietly as he grabbed hold of his t-shirt and threw it back around him, untwisting it. I could tell he was irritated about everything at the moment. We both lay next to each other, staring blankly at the screen, neither of us taking it in. I lay with my head rested on my hands, as Billie Joe stared at the floor with those glazed eyes of his. I glanced to the side of me, to see him staring at his wedding ring that was specifically placed on his finger, as he rubbed his thumb over it. He was thinking about Adrienne. It was obvious. His heart seemed to be breaking under the pressure, and it showed through badly.
"You should call her." I said to him, looking up.
He came out of his trance and looked down at me.
"What?" He asked again, leaning his head forward towards me to catch my words again.
"You should call her." I repeated, this time sitting up.
"You think so?" He replied, after a long pause.
He stared down at his wedding ring again, shifting it over his knuckle, avoiding eye contact with me.
"Yeah. I don't know what's gone on between you two, but I think you should talk. It might make you feel better." I whispered to him under his bowed head. "It's obvious it's bothering you Billie Joe."
He looked up at me, our eyes meeting in the process.
"Go on." I persuaded to him, nudging my head in the direction of the phone.
He followed my gesture and stared at the phone, his lips slightly parted in his suppression. There was a minute or so where things seemed to stand still as we both stared at the phone that was on the bedside. The same phone that had been used to call Tre and Mike and taxi out of the hotel. I wish things were different. I wish that the police had nothing to do with us. Sure, I was grateful that Billie Joe and I were on our own for once without having to think about interruptions, but it just didn't feel right without them. Everything felt wrong, but there was nothing I could do about it. Billie Joe slowly crawled across the bed towards the phone and picked up the receiver. It lay in his hand as he stared at the dialling buttons, thinking it over whether what he was doing was right. He finally after a last thought placed the phone against his ear and dialled the number to his own house back in Oakland. I watched as he bit his lip in hesitation and nerves, the phone ringing in his ear.
"Hello?" He croaked, his eyes quickly lighting up when someone answered on the other side. "Adrienne... "
He sighed tiredly as he rubbed his eyes with his thumb and finger.
"It's me... " he continued to say. "Look, we need to talk... about the other night."
I felt as if I was invading his privacy as I sat there listening to their conversation, so I got up and crept into the bathroom, trying not to make any noise. The last thing I wanted to happen was Adrienne to hear me in the background. Then all hell would break loose. I carefully shut the door behind me, sitting on the edge of the bath again. Just like I had early this morning when Mike had taken me in. Earlier it had felt that my dream was coming true. I had nearly lost them for good, and then I would have had to go back home. The place I hated the most. It gave me the shivers just thinking about it. I don't what I would have done if Billie Joe had gone with them. I placed my hand around my neck at the thought of my step-dad's grasp around it. It wasn't like it hadn't happened before though. I remember he had grabbed me around the neck once, in front of my sister, and had told me to stop acting like a child. How could I stop acting like a child if things like that were happening to me? I was just glad that it had been a nightmare after all. I must have been paralysed in my sleep. The image of my mum at the bottom of the stairs kept playing over and over in my mind, as well as the vivid picture of my step-dad's snarling face breathing down on me as Billie Joe's tie lay in my hand. The tears filled my eyes as I tried to forget the whole thing, but I couldn't. I was mentally scarred. I tried to choke back my tears but my eyes gave way and I burst into another flood. I sobbed quickly before fighting back more, not wanting Billie Joe to hear me. I grabbed a piece of toilet roll and harshly rubbed it against my closed eyes, making them sore and turn a blaze of red. I sniffed as I wiped my eyes again across the sleeve of my Nimrod hoody. The material irritating my skin even more. I stared around the bathroom, that was now empty unlike this morning. I hated changes. It screwed everything up and made things different for the worse. I wiped my eyes dry again across the sleeve of my hoody, that was now turning grey from the amount of times it had been worn. I stared blankly at the floor tiles once again, sniffing every now and then, more tears surfacing in my eyes. I tried to think about my life before everything changed, before my step-dad turned against me, dragging my mum with him. I couldn't sit here and think about it anymore. It was depressing me. I stood up off of the edge of the bath and opened the door quietly in case Billie Joe was still on the phone. I stepped out and he was sitting crossed legged on the bed, the phone back on its handset. He looked up at me as I walked out, me quickly turning away from him.
"How did it go?" I mumbled, my voice still cracked from crying.
"It could have been worse."
"Oh... " That's all I could say.
Ok, I had just probably caused Billie Joe to drift further away from Adrienne in my suggestion of him calling her. I couldn't do anything right. Next time, I'll just keep my mouth shut and stupid ideas to myself. I felt so guilty. Maybe he wasn't ready to talk to her just yet.
"We just need a little more time to think things through." He sighed heavily, smiling weakly and glancing back down to his wedding ring.
I followed his eyes down to his ring, still feeling incredibly guilty for what had just happened. It just made me feel worse. He clenched his fist up, hiding his ring, before looking up at me fully. I quickly turned away from his eye contact, looking down to the side in both guilt and embarrassment.
"Have you been crying?" He asked, suddenly concerned.
"No." I lied.
"Don't lie Stef. I can tell that you have. Your eyes are all red and puffy."
I turned round and looked into the bathroom, and straight into the mirror. Sure enough, my eyes were as red as the blaze in a fire, punctured with bloodshot and smudged with the blackness of my eyeliner.
"It's nothing." I lied once again, looking away from my reflection in the mirror.
"It sure don't look like nothing."
I looked away from him as he swung off of the bed and walked towards me. I felt guilty enough already.
"Billie Joe, I'm fine." I tried to assure him, when in really it was me who needed it.
"It's Adrienne isn't it?" He asked, moving close in front of me.
"No!" I cried back, shocked.
Oh god, now he thought I was being jealous. It had nothing to do with Adrienne. This was just getting worse. I had never ever really been jealous of Adrienne. They belonged with each other, and I always knew that.
"Yeah it is." He spoke softly to me, raising my chin up with his hand. "Why else would you be crying?"
I didn't know what to say. Should I tell him? Part of me didn't want to tell him the truth.
"Look, I know things have been difficult between us. But that's all going to change. You shouldn't be jealous of Adrienne - "
"It's not that!" I screamed at him, cutting him short.
I didn't like what he was saying because it wasn't true. I wasn't jealous of Adrienne and I didn't want him to think that at all. I didn't want to come between him and his marriage. That was the last thing I wanted to do. I had already caused enough damage.
"Then, what is - "
I cut him short again.
"Losing you Billie Joe! My fucking step-dad killing me, my fucking home, and knowing that I was never going to see you or hold you again."
This is what happens to me when I bottle my emotions up. I just explode, and hurt the people I love the most. I didn't want Billie Joe to fall victim of that.
"When was this?" He asked sympathetically, oblivious to it all.
"My fucking nightmare!" I screamed again.
"Hold on, what nightmare?" Billie Joe asked softly, taking my hands in his as I madly waved them around.
"The nightmare I had last night... " I admitted, the tears silently starting to crawl down my drained face.
"You never told me anything about this." He spoke, dragging me with his hands to the side of the bed.
I reluctantly let myself be dragged by him to the edge of the bed where we sat down together. I looked down at my hands, cupped in Billie Joe's. I knew where this was going to go. I was going to be questioned now for what seemed like hours.
"So, what happened?" He asked gently, making me feel more ease at his sudden understanding.
"I just had nightmare." I stammered, not wanting to tell him the whole truth of it.
I didn't want him to know that I had dreamt that I had been killed, back at home, with his tie in my hand, and by my step-dad. I looked up at him, wanting to tell him everything but without hurting him. But that could never be possible. I opened my lips slightly to speak, but pulled myself back. I sighed deeply, so confused and misunderstood. Why couldn't life just be simple? I guess I was asking too much by saying that. I suddenly broke down into another verge of tears, causing my eyes to sting more under the immense pressure. I blurted out what had happened in my dream and how I had ran up to Mike to Billie Joe, not being able to stand holding in my emotions much longer.
"Holy shit... " he mumbled, his face sad as I told him what had happened. "So that's why you were here this morning."
"I thought I was dead Billie Joe. I thought I was never going to see you again!" I sobbed uncontrollably.
I wiped away my tears again on my sleeve, making it slightly damp. Billie Joe leaned in slowly, pulling me towards him in sympathy.
"Hey... it's ok." He whispered to me, rocking me back and forth.
I felt like a little kid with the constant rocking thing. He moved his hand towards my face gently and wiped away another fallen tear with his thumb.
"He can't hurt you as long as you're here, and with me." He assured me.
"But how long is it going to last Billie Joe?" I sobbed in his comforting wrath. "What's going to happen to me when you all have to go back home to Oakland? I'll HAVE to go back. I have no other choice."
It was the truth, and it had to happen sometime. But I hated the thought of it and facing reality. I didn't ever want to see my hometown again for all I cared. I was quite happy staying here with Green Day, and leading my life the way I was.
"Well... " Billie Joe started, thinking of something. "I'm not going to let that happen to you. I can't bear the thought of letting you go back... there."
He was careful in mentioning my home, labelling it 'there.' I looked up into his gorgeous green eyes, making me forget about my problems and instead thinking of how lucky I was to be here right now; in this moment with the guy I loved the most.
"Even if they drag you back there," he continued. "They'll have to drag me with you. I don't care what they say. I'm going to let you go Stef, never. Not if I can help it, and that's a promise to you. I won't break this one."
I continued to stare into his eyes, what he just said bringing tears of happiness to my eyes and a glow of warmth and love into my broken heart. I didn't know what to say to him - all I could do was grow more and more feelings for him and hug him tight.
* * * * * * * *
I sat in my room, randomly drawing random stuff that would come into my head, on a random piece of paper that I had randomly found somewhere. I guess from that that I was pretty random. There was a knock on my door, and the sound of someone coughing from behind it outside. It could only be one person, unless Tre and Mike had returned from their quick castaway. I slumbered to the door, in protest of having to remove myself from my spot on my bed. I opened the door and immediately walked back to my resting patch. Billie Joe knew he was welcome in my room as much as I was his. There was no real point in doing an 'introduction' at the door every time we went into each other's rooms. He followed behind after closing the door behind himself. I threw myself back onto my bed as he came and stood close next to me, resting his legs against the side of the bed.
"Just thought I'd come and say goodbye before I headed off for the gig." He said, his hands placed inside his trouser pockets as he smiled down on me. "Are you sure you're going to be ok on your own?"
This had been the first time I had really been apart from Green Day. All the other times we had only been a few floors away from each other. I had always been with one of them.
"I'm sure." I answered, moving to sit up from lying on my stomach. "I'll be fine."
He was dressed in his battered converse, black trousers, black shirt and a black tie he had just put on. A different costume from what he was wearing this morning. This time, he had also done his hair. He scrunched up his nose as he peered over my shoulder to take a look at my random scribblings on my random piece of paper. He looked mighty cute when he scrunched his nose up.
"What's that?" He asked, nudging his elbow towards my drawings because he couldn't be bothered to take his hands out of his pockets.
"Oh, them." I mumbled, turning round to face my drawings. "Just some drawings I did."
"Let's see." He urged, pulling his hand from his pocket and reaching out for the paper.
I passed him the piece of paper that lay beside me, and watched as his fresh lush green eyes scanned over it.
"Wow, they're pretty kewl." He told me, looking across the paper. "You should draw for a living."
"You really think so?" I questioned, thinking the thought over in my mind.
I had always loved drawing and was always doing it. I remember my teachers constantly asking me to cover my books because I had drawn all over them, or to pay attention more because I was drawing everywhere.
"What's this one say? ... billie_joe_fit?" He mumbled, looking confusingly at a particular drawing in the corner of the page. "What the fuck does that mean?"
"Oh!" I cried, straightening myself up. "That's my username on a Green Day website. My favourite Green Day website. I was on there like, everyday. Half of my friends I met on that website. It was like my second home. And I know, my username does make things kind of obvious."
He laughed to himself, smiling at my username.
"It's a pretty kewl username if you ask me." He replied, smiling sweetly at me.
I smiled back, glowing inside once again at his comment. Well, it could have been worse. He could have got embarrassed and made another barrier between us.
"Anyways, I got to go." He sighed, his shoulders rising up in the process. "I'll be glad once this gig's over."
I knew he was only saying that to make me feel better because it was the gig I had auditioned to win tickets for. If I knew Billie Joe, then he was only blabbing because he absolutely loved performing and playing his music. It was only the feeling of guilt that he was suffering from.
"Ok." I simply said, smiling at him. "Have a good time."
"What, with Jimmy the bastard around?" He snorted. "The only thing I'm looking forward to about this is is seeing him be crushed to death by our army of fans. He's no fan of ours. Singing St. Jimmy does have a whole new meaning to it now though. Don't worry, I shall have my revenge, and if Mike and Tre have anything to do with it, then he won't survive."
He laughed to himself as I giggled at the thought of Jimmy falling beneath an army of fans lead by Green Day. He leaned himself forward and kissed me on the cheek, smiling before he wandered off towards the door to let himself out.
"Say hi to Mike and Tre for me!" I suddenly called out just before he had chance to shut the door.
"I will."
I watched as he disappeared behind the door, before screaming silently inside of me, my muscles tensing. The feeling of darkness crept inside of my blood at the thought that Jimmy - Jimmy the fucking bastard had a ticket to that gig. And that the only way he had nabbed a ticket was due his cruelty and twisted mind games used against me and Billie Joe, and I fucking hated it.
"Are you going to get in or what? I've got a pick up in 20 minutes." He seemed to shout at Billie Joe in particular.
God, he was so impatient, I wanted to smack him one. I bet he didn't even know who he was talking to.
"Come on Billie Joe." Mike whined, pleading, half in and half out of the taxi, the door almost closed.
Tre sat slouched in the taxi, hanging his head out of the open window that was on the door Mike was about to open for the second time.
"Come on Billie Joe... " Tre pleaded. "Just get in with Stef."
"Look, if you don't get in this taxi now, I'm going to leave without you!" The taxi driver yelled hoarsely again at Billie Joe.
"Shit Billie Joe!" Mike screeched looking panic stricken.
This was all happening too fast. I watched in heartbreak as Billie Joe quickly picked up his suitcase and plundered down the stairs towards the taxi. I had lost him. There was nothing I could do. Mike went to open the door to the taxi again when Billie Joe stopped suddenly in his tracks, freezing.
"No, wait." He cried to them, suddenly deciding. "I'm not coming. I'm gonna stay here with Stef."
Holy nuts, he was going to stay with me? But... why? My sense picked up at his sudden outburst. I didn't ask him to stay; I just wanted to go with them. That was all.
"What?" Mike asked, looking at us two.
"It's just easier." Billie Joe told him. "At least we're split up, so I guess this way it will be harder for the cops to find us. Come on Mike, it makes sense."
"Look, if I'm late for this pick up," the taxi driver started again, shouting. "I'm going to - "
"Oh shut your cake hole!" I screamed at him, cutting him short.
I wasn't going to let the taxi driver ruin this anymore. Tre just looked at me and started laughing hysterically. The taxi driver was pissing me off. He should be grateful that Green Day were even stepping foot near his god damn taxi.
"It's alright. I'll stay here and you two can go. I don't mind." Billie Joe told Mike, leaning on his suitcase.
"But WE do mind." Mike moaned, giving him a puppy dog eye face. "It just makes things so much easier if you come with us."
Billie Joe gave it a moment's thought before finally deciding.
"No, my mind's made up. I'm staying here."
"Suit yourself Billie Joe." Mike sighed, climbing into the taxi after Tre had decided to not lean out of the window anymore.
The door to the taxi shut behind him and he popped his head out of the window.
"We'll talk about this tonight at the gig." He called out to Billie Joe. "Just, keep safe ok?"
The taxi rolled out of the parking lot to the hotel, Tre waving hysterically to us out of the back window. I wonder if he ever thought that the cops could be watching him do that? Oh well, they would have jumped out with their pistols by now if they were here. Both Billie Joe and I stood on the hotel entrance steps as we watched the vehicle disappear in the distance. There was a slight pause between us as the taxi disappeared out of sight, with Mike and Tre inside.
"Come on, let's go inside." Billie Joe sighed, dragging his suitcase back up the stairs as I followed him timidly.
I quickly looked back to see if the taxi had gone, still wondering why the hell Billie Joe had chosen to stay here. We both didn't say a word to each other as we plundered up the familiar staircases, back to now Billie Joe's room. The door was still open from when I had ran after them a little while ago. He threw his suitcase in the corner after slamming the door behind him. It hit the wall and bounced onto the floor on its side. He stared at it for a few seconds then threw his hand in the air at it.
"Fuck it... " He mumbled, walking away from it and over to the mini bar that was by the tube. "You want anything to eat?"
"Nah thanks, I'm ok." I answered him, feeling awkward.
"Drink?" He asked again, searching amongst the variety of drink cans.
"Nah."
"Not even for a Coke?" He tempted, waving a can of Coke at me, smiling.
He still remembered. He still remembered the time when I had snatched my only Coke off of him, only a few days after we had met. I couldn't resist him. It was just like old times, if they were really that old at all. He knew how to tempt me didn't he? At least he hadn't forgotten.
"Yeah, go on then." I gave in, putting my hand out to take the Coke from him.
He passed the can to me before searching for something for himself. I opened the can in my hand and took a gulp, the fizziness buzzing on my tongue. He stood up from crouching down in front of the mini bar with a can of beer in his hand. Wasn't it a bit early in the morning for beer? I guess it was too early for Coke though as well. We both constantly took swigs from our own individual drinks, Billie Joe sitting on the edge of his bed. He looked at me as I stood in the middle of the room, sipping on my Coke. He patted the space of the duvet next to him with his free hand, beckoning me over. I hesitantly walked over and sat next to him in the space. He put his arm around me and held me close to his side, staring down at the floor. I just continued to hold onto my Coke as I let him hold on to me. I joined him in staring at the grubby carpet on the floor. Thinking back to the day when Billie Joe had taken my Coke reminded me of the phone call with Emma. I hadn't spoken to her since then. No one had spoken to me at all actually, apart from her and my mum. If Emma hadn't believed that I was with Billie Joe back then, then there was no hope in her believing me if I told her everything that had happened between us since. I remember that day as if it was only yesterday. The two phone calls with Emma, the kiss with Billie Joe, Adrienne calling, the brown bag... wait, the brown bag! I never found out what was in it. I had intended to ask Billie Joe what was in it, but I guess I just forgotten about it. I remember, Billie Joe had pointed to a brown bag he had brought with him whilst I was on the phone to Emma, and then he had picked it back up to take back to his room with him when he left. Well, I guess there was only one way to find out. I glanced up at Billie Joe, clasping my hands around my can of Coke.
"Billie Joe... "
"Hmmm."
God, it was going to be another repeat performance of when I told him I was going to the Grammies with him about an hour ago.
"Do you remember the day when we first kissed? And Adrienne phoned?" I hesitated, not wanting to mention it too much.
It was weird talking about his wife. I felt awkward because it kind of sounded like I was comparing us, and mentioning her in a lower form. I wasn't though, and I never would. It was my only way of getting Billie Joe to remember.
"Yeah, I remember." He told me, his chest moving against me from breathing. "How could I forget it?"
"Well, do you remember the brown bag?"
"Brown bag?!"
"You had a brown bag that you brought in with you. You pointed to it when I was on the phone to Emma when you had just come in." I tried to make him think back.
"Oh yeah, I think I can remember it."
"Well, what was in it?" I asked, moving off of him and looking into his gorgeous green eyes.
He looked me back in the eye, smiling slightly before taking another sip of his cold beer.
"Billie Joe... ?" I cooed again, still waiting for an answer.
Without saying anything, he leaned across the room and dug something out of the front pocket of his suitcase. He dragged out the exact same brown paper bag and dumped it on my lap. I looked at him and then the bag that was scrumpled in my lap. He continued to drink as I opened the bag carefully, the paper creasing as I went. I put my hand into the bag and pulled out a red and black guitar strap.
"Wah... ?" I asked in confusion, the strap folded in my palm.
"When we first met I realised that the strap on your guitar was busted, so I got you a new one. Having a busted strap does no favours to your back, trust me. I guess you don't need it anymore though do you?" He told me, finishing off his drink.
"No, I guess not. But why I didn't you give it to me on the day? Why wait this long?" I asked him, as I was so confused.
"I just felt awkward after what had happened." He admitted, looking down. "After first kissing you and Adrienne calling at the same time, I just had to get away. I was so confused myself, I needed time to think and have my own space."
Oh my god. I never knew how he felt. I had been so foolish and selfish. At the time I thought he was just being awkward. Why did I never stop to think about Billie Joe? This wasn't all just to do with me. I had acted so stupidly after, but I had never stopped to think about what kind of effect it would have on him.
"I'm... sorry Billie Joe." I blurted out, hanging my head in shame and looking down at the guitar strap.
"What for?" He laughed.
"I just am. Just remember that please." I stuttered.
I didn't want him to know the reason why. It might cause another rift between us.
"Ok... " He mumbled, now even more confused and giving me a dodged look.
I sat on the edge of the bed still and fiddled with the strap in my hand, looping it around my fingers. Then something else suddenly sprang into my mind.
"Billie Joe, you remember the day when the police came knocking on my door whilst Tre was watching the tube and we we're... you know." I wondered.
He laughed before answering me. "Yeah, how can I forget that?"
I laughed with him, my face breaking out into a smile.
"Well, you came into my room when I was asleep to say something. I remember, and I was sleeping. You said to Tre that you would tell me later. That was like ages ago, back in the other hotel."
"Fucking hell! You remember everything don't you? You mean to say you weren't asleep at all? You were just pretending?" Billie Joe laughed, smirking.
I bit my lip in embarrassment now he had caught me out. I nodded my head slowly.
"I'm going to have to be more careful in the future when it comes to you." He laughed.
"Yeah, well... " I said, trying to quickly get to my point. "What we're you going to tell me?"
"Oh... " he stumbled over his words. "It's nothing really. It doesn't matter now."
"It does Billie Joe because I still wanna know." I pleaded with him. "It'll piss me off if I don't find out."
He bit his lip in hesitation, before chewing on his tongue.
"Well, if you really want to know, I had gone to tell you that I was sorry."
I looked at him in a confused state of mind. Sorry for what?
"To say sorry for neglecting you after the cops had turned up on your door. I shouldn't have blamed you for the influence Tre had on you. I came to say that I was sorry for leading you on and then suddenly ignoring you. But I guess that doesn't matter now."
He sighed in a little of embarrassment and looked back down at the floor, cradling his beer can in his hands. It always turned out like this. Both of us being sorry for what had happened between our mixed up emotions.
"Why didn't you tell me the next day then?" I asked, not meaning to push him.
"I guess I just felt embarrassed again, and I didn't want to bring it up again. I'm like that. Sometimes I just don't think." He muttered, putting hand to head and scratching lightly.
"Oh... " That's all I could say.
Tre had once said that Billie Joe was an emotional guy deep down. I never thought that Billie Joe would be embarrassed about our 'thing.' At the start, he was so confident, and it made me nervous. Now sometimes he was just as embarrassed as I seemed to be. Maybe because too much had happened between us. Things were just way too complicated, and sometimes I hated it.
"Billie Joe... " I cooed for the 3rd time today.
"Yeah... "
"Why did you stay?"
"God, what's with the questions tonight?" He asked, looking down on me again.
"But why?"
"Is it such a bad thing that I stayed?"
"No, it's not. But, why did you stay for me?" I asked, trying to get an answer out of him. "I'm not worth it. I've just caused even more problems for you now."
"Because...I wanted to stay." He admitted, putting his empty beer can on the floor by his feet. "And don't let me hear you say that you're not worth it again, otherwise I'll tickle you. And you haven't caused more problems at all. I stayed because I wanted to Stef."
I laughed to myself at his mentioning of another tickle fight. We had the best tickling fights. He had wanted to stay for me. I seemed to draw closer and closer to him by each thing he said.
"What about Tre and Mike?"
"What about them? They'll be fine. They don't need me to tell them what to do anymore. They're big enough guys." He answered. "Wanna watch the tube?"
"Erm, yeah... sure."
I think he didn't want to talk about it anymore. He leaned across the room from the bed and switched on the TV. Of all of things we COULD be doing, we were watching the tube. But in fact, it was quite nice. I rolled onto my front as we both sprawled out across his bed. There were 3 beds in the whole room, but we still shared the same one. It felt weird without Mike and Tre around, knowing they had gone and we didn't know where. Where the hell had they gone? It was just... weird. Billie Joe shuffled across the bed in the irritation of his clothes being twisted around him as he lay. I watched him out of the corner of my eye, pretending to be watching the tube. I didn't even know what we were watching. It was just there, in front of me. He grunted quietly as he grabbed hold of his t-shirt and threw it back around him, untwisting it. I could tell he was irritated about everything at the moment. We both lay next to each other, staring blankly at the screen, neither of us taking it in. I lay with my head rested on my hands, as Billie Joe stared at the floor with those glazed eyes of his. I glanced to the side of me, to see him staring at his wedding ring that was specifically placed on his finger, as he rubbed his thumb over it. He was thinking about Adrienne. It was obvious. His heart seemed to be breaking under the pressure, and it showed through badly.
"You should call her." I said to him, looking up.
He came out of his trance and looked down at me.
"What?" He asked again, leaning his head forward towards me to catch my words again.
"You should call her." I repeated, this time sitting up.
"You think so?" He replied, after a long pause.
He stared down at his wedding ring again, shifting it over his knuckle, avoiding eye contact with me.
"Yeah. I don't know what's gone on between you two, but I think you should talk. It might make you feel better." I whispered to him under his bowed head. "It's obvious it's bothering you Billie Joe."
He looked up at me, our eyes meeting in the process.
"Go on." I persuaded to him, nudging my head in the direction of the phone.
He followed my gesture and stared at the phone, his lips slightly parted in his suppression. There was a minute or so where things seemed to stand still as we both stared at the phone that was on the bedside. The same phone that had been used to call Tre and Mike and taxi out of the hotel. I wish things were different. I wish that the police had nothing to do with us. Sure, I was grateful that Billie Joe and I were on our own for once without having to think about interruptions, but it just didn't feel right without them. Everything felt wrong, but there was nothing I could do about it. Billie Joe slowly crawled across the bed towards the phone and picked up the receiver. It lay in his hand as he stared at the dialling buttons, thinking it over whether what he was doing was right. He finally after a last thought placed the phone against his ear and dialled the number to his own house back in Oakland. I watched as he bit his lip in hesitation and nerves, the phone ringing in his ear.
"Hello?" He croaked, his eyes quickly lighting up when someone answered on the other side. "Adrienne... "
He sighed tiredly as he rubbed his eyes with his thumb and finger.
"It's me... " he continued to say. "Look, we need to talk... about the other night."
I felt as if I was invading his privacy as I sat there listening to their conversation, so I got up and crept into the bathroom, trying not to make any noise. The last thing I wanted to happen was Adrienne to hear me in the background. Then all hell would break loose. I carefully shut the door behind me, sitting on the edge of the bath again. Just like I had early this morning when Mike had taken me in. Earlier it had felt that my dream was coming true. I had nearly lost them for good, and then I would have had to go back home. The place I hated the most. It gave me the shivers just thinking about it. I don't what I would have done if Billie Joe had gone with them. I placed my hand around my neck at the thought of my step-dad's grasp around it. It wasn't like it hadn't happened before though. I remember he had grabbed me around the neck once, in front of my sister, and had told me to stop acting like a child. How could I stop acting like a child if things like that were happening to me? I was just glad that it had been a nightmare after all. I must have been paralysed in my sleep. The image of my mum at the bottom of the stairs kept playing over and over in my mind, as well as the vivid picture of my step-dad's snarling face breathing down on me as Billie Joe's tie lay in my hand. The tears filled my eyes as I tried to forget the whole thing, but I couldn't. I was mentally scarred. I tried to choke back my tears but my eyes gave way and I burst into another flood. I sobbed quickly before fighting back more, not wanting Billie Joe to hear me. I grabbed a piece of toilet roll and harshly rubbed it against my closed eyes, making them sore and turn a blaze of red. I sniffed as I wiped my eyes again across the sleeve of my Nimrod hoody. The material irritating my skin even more. I stared around the bathroom, that was now empty unlike this morning. I hated changes. It screwed everything up and made things different for the worse. I wiped my eyes dry again across the sleeve of my hoody, that was now turning grey from the amount of times it had been worn. I stared blankly at the floor tiles once again, sniffing every now and then, more tears surfacing in my eyes. I tried to think about my life before everything changed, before my step-dad turned against me, dragging my mum with him. I couldn't sit here and think about it anymore. It was depressing me. I stood up off of the edge of the bath and opened the door quietly in case Billie Joe was still on the phone. I stepped out and he was sitting crossed legged on the bed, the phone back on its handset. He looked up at me as I walked out, me quickly turning away from him.
"How did it go?" I mumbled, my voice still cracked from crying.
"It could have been worse."
"Oh... " That's all I could say.
Ok, I had just probably caused Billie Joe to drift further away from Adrienne in my suggestion of him calling her. I couldn't do anything right. Next time, I'll just keep my mouth shut and stupid ideas to myself. I felt so guilty. Maybe he wasn't ready to talk to her just yet.
"We just need a little more time to think things through." He sighed heavily, smiling weakly and glancing back down to his wedding ring.
I followed his eyes down to his ring, still feeling incredibly guilty for what had just happened. It just made me feel worse. He clenched his fist up, hiding his ring, before looking up at me fully. I quickly turned away from his eye contact, looking down to the side in both guilt and embarrassment.
"Have you been crying?" He asked, suddenly concerned.
"No." I lied.
"Don't lie Stef. I can tell that you have. Your eyes are all red and puffy."
I turned round and looked into the bathroom, and straight into the mirror. Sure enough, my eyes were as red as the blaze in a fire, punctured with bloodshot and smudged with the blackness of my eyeliner.
"It's nothing." I lied once again, looking away from my reflection in the mirror.
"It sure don't look like nothing."
I looked away from him as he swung off of the bed and walked towards me. I felt guilty enough already.
"Billie Joe, I'm fine." I tried to assure him, when in really it was me who needed it.
"It's Adrienne isn't it?" He asked, moving close in front of me.
"No!" I cried back, shocked.
Oh god, now he thought I was being jealous. It had nothing to do with Adrienne. This was just getting worse. I had never ever really been jealous of Adrienne. They belonged with each other, and I always knew that.
"Yeah it is." He spoke softly to me, raising my chin up with his hand. "Why else would you be crying?"
I didn't know what to say. Should I tell him? Part of me didn't want to tell him the truth.
"Look, I know things have been difficult between us. But that's all going to change. You shouldn't be jealous of Adrienne - "
"It's not that!" I screamed at him, cutting him short.
I didn't like what he was saying because it wasn't true. I wasn't jealous of Adrienne and I didn't want him to think that at all. I didn't want to come between him and his marriage. That was the last thing I wanted to do. I had already caused enough damage.
"Then, what is - "
I cut him short again.
"Losing you Billie Joe! My fucking step-dad killing me, my fucking home, and knowing that I was never going to see you or hold you again."
This is what happens to me when I bottle my emotions up. I just explode, and hurt the people I love the most. I didn't want Billie Joe to fall victim of that.
"When was this?" He asked sympathetically, oblivious to it all.
"My fucking nightmare!" I screamed again.
"Hold on, what nightmare?" Billie Joe asked softly, taking my hands in his as I madly waved them around.
"The nightmare I had last night... " I admitted, the tears silently starting to crawl down my drained face.
"You never told me anything about this." He spoke, dragging me with his hands to the side of the bed.
I reluctantly let myself be dragged by him to the edge of the bed where we sat down together. I looked down at my hands, cupped in Billie Joe's. I knew where this was going to go. I was going to be questioned now for what seemed like hours.
"So, what happened?" He asked gently, making me feel more ease at his sudden understanding.
"I just had nightmare." I stammered, not wanting to tell him the whole truth of it.
I didn't want him to know that I had dreamt that I had been killed, back at home, with his tie in my hand, and by my step-dad. I looked up at him, wanting to tell him everything but without hurting him. But that could never be possible. I opened my lips slightly to speak, but pulled myself back. I sighed deeply, so confused and misunderstood. Why couldn't life just be simple? I guess I was asking too much by saying that. I suddenly broke down into another verge of tears, causing my eyes to sting more under the immense pressure. I blurted out what had happened in my dream and how I had ran up to Mike to Billie Joe, not being able to stand holding in my emotions much longer.
"Holy shit... " he mumbled, his face sad as I told him what had happened. "So that's why you were here this morning."
"I thought I was dead Billie Joe. I thought I was never going to see you again!" I sobbed uncontrollably.
I wiped away my tears again on my sleeve, making it slightly damp. Billie Joe leaned in slowly, pulling me towards him in sympathy.
"Hey... it's ok." He whispered to me, rocking me back and forth.
I felt like a little kid with the constant rocking thing. He moved his hand towards my face gently and wiped away another fallen tear with his thumb.
"He can't hurt you as long as you're here, and with me." He assured me.
"But how long is it going to last Billie Joe?" I sobbed in his comforting wrath. "What's going to happen to me when you all have to go back home to Oakland? I'll HAVE to go back. I have no other choice."
It was the truth, and it had to happen sometime. But I hated the thought of it and facing reality. I didn't ever want to see my hometown again for all I cared. I was quite happy staying here with Green Day, and leading my life the way I was.
"Well... " Billie Joe started, thinking of something. "I'm not going to let that happen to you. I can't bear the thought of letting you go back... there."
He was careful in mentioning my home, labelling it 'there.' I looked up into his gorgeous green eyes, making me forget about my problems and instead thinking of how lucky I was to be here right now; in this moment with the guy I loved the most.
"Even if they drag you back there," he continued. "They'll have to drag me with you. I don't care what they say. I'm going to let you go Stef, never. Not if I can help it, and that's a promise to you. I won't break this one."
I continued to stare into his eyes, what he just said bringing tears of happiness to my eyes and a glow of warmth and love into my broken heart. I didn't know what to say to him - all I could do was grow more and more feelings for him and hug him tight.
* * * * * * * *
I sat in my room, randomly drawing random stuff that would come into my head, on a random piece of paper that I had randomly found somewhere. I guess from that that I was pretty random. There was a knock on my door, and the sound of someone coughing from behind it outside. It could only be one person, unless Tre and Mike had returned from their quick castaway. I slumbered to the door, in protest of having to remove myself from my spot on my bed. I opened the door and immediately walked back to my resting patch. Billie Joe knew he was welcome in my room as much as I was his. There was no real point in doing an 'introduction' at the door every time we went into each other's rooms. He followed behind after closing the door behind himself. I threw myself back onto my bed as he came and stood close next to me, resting his legs against the side of the bed.
"Just thought I'd come and say goodbye before I headed off for the gig." He said, his hands placed inside his trouser pockets as he smiled down on me. "Are you sure you're going to be ok on your own?"
This had been the first time I had really been apart from Green Day. All the other times we had only been a few floors away from each other. I had always been with one of them.
"I'm sure." I answered, moving to sit up from lying on my stomach. "I'll be fine."
He was dressed in his battered converse, black trousers, black shirt and a black tie he had just put on. A different costume from what he was wearing this morning. This time, he had also done his hair. He scrunched up his nose as he peered over my shoulder to take a look at my random scribblings on my random piece of paper. He looked mighty cute when he scrunched his nose up.
"What's that?" He asked, nudging his elbow towards my drawings because he couldn't be bothered to take his hands out of his pockets.
"Oh, them." I mumbled, turning round to face my drawings. "Just some drawings I did."
"Let's see." He urged, pulling his hand from his pocket and reaching out for the paper.
I passed him the piece of paper that lay beside me, and watched as his fresh lush green eyes scanned over it.
"Wow, they're pretty kewl." He told me, looking across the paper. "You should draw for a living."
"You really think so?" I questioned, thinking the thought over in my mind.
I had always loved drawing and was always doing it. I remember my teachers constantly asking me to cover my books because I had drawn all over them, or to pay attention more because I was drawing everywhere.
"What's this one say? ... billie_joe_fit?" He mumbled, looking confusingly at a particular drawing in the corner of the page. "What the fuck does that mean?"
"Oh!" I cried, straightening myself up. "That's my username on a Green Day website. My favourite Green Day website. I was on there like, everyday. Half of my friends I met on that website. It was like my second home. And I know, my username does make things kind of obvious."
He laughed to himself, smiling at my username.
"It's a pretty kewl username if you ask me." He replied, smiling sweetly at me.
I smiled back, glowing inside once again at his comment. Well, it could have been worse. He could have got embarrassed and made another barrier between us.
"Anyways, I got to go." He sighed, his shoulders rising up in the process. "I'll be glad once this gig's over."
I knew he was only saying that to make me feel better because it was the gig I had auditioned to win tickets for. If I knew Billie Joe, then he was only blabbing because he absolutely loved performing and playing his music. It was only the feeling of guilt that he was suffering from.
"Ok." I simply said, smiling at him. "Have a good time."
"What, with Jimmy the bastard around?" He snorted. "The only thing I'm looking forward to about this is is seeing him be crushed to death by our army of fans. He's no fan of ours. Singing St. Jimmy does have a whole new meaning to it now though. Don't worry, I shall have my revenge, and if Mike and Tre have anything to do with it, then he won't survive."
He laughed to himself as I giggled at the thought of Jimmy falling beneath an army of fans lead by Green Day. He leaned himself forward and kissed me on the cheek, smiling before he wandered off towards the door to let himself out.
"Say hi to Mike and Tre for me!" I suddenly called out just before he had chance to shut the door.
"I will."
I watched as he disappeared behind the door, before screaming silently inside of me, my muscles tensing. The feeling of darkness crept inside of my blood at the thought that Jimmy - Jimmy the fucking bastard had a ticket to that gig. And that the only way he had nabbed a ticket was due his cruelty and twisted mind games used against me and Billie Joe, and I fucking hated it.
