A Note Don't Come Easy, chapter 26
I stood in the crowd, anxiously waiting for them to come on stage. It was the first time I had been apart from any of Green Day throughout the whole evening. I didn't want the crowd to realize that I was the one who was tagging along with them for the show. I'd be brain stew. I stood there, waiting. It had been 20 minutes since they had disappeared to get ready for their Grammy performance of American Idiot. They had departed from the party to perform for the ceremony that was still taking place, they had just decided not to stay and watch the whole thing. If I wasn't such a big fan, I wouldn't of braved pit in the dress I was wearing, but it was Green Day. I HAD to see them. I had to see my friends play at the Grammies. Being in a mosh pit at the Grammies was one thing - but being in a mosh pit at the Grammies in a DRESS was just a totally different experience that I would never forget. A one in a lifetime opportunity - I can tell you that now. Everyone was bunched closed together, but only a few of the 'upper class' were in the pit. I was one of the only few. I certainly wasn't 'upper class' though, I just looked it. Them and their highly social community were watching from above in the comfort of their plushed balcony seats up in the stalls. If they were watching at all. I wouldn't be surprised if they weren't. Infact, it would make me laugh if they were. I could just imagine them in their suits and over exaggerated costumes, with their binoculars and spectacles watching Green Day, the most biggest punk band in the world right now. It made me smirk, just as the crowd grew silent at the sight of someone stepping onto the stage.
"And now performing... A band who we have grown up with throughout the years to love. They are already Grammy winners tonight - and you'll be an American Idiot to miss them. Here's Green Day!"
The whole crowd went wild with excitement, as the three familiar figures stepped onto the stage and positioned themselves with their instruments. I screamed at the top of my voice, cheering them on as the lights threw up on them. A few punks turned around in front of me and looked me up and down before throwing me an evil look, as if I were a teenie or something. If I weren't in this dress, they wouldn't have done that. What they didn't know was that I was just as much like them in life. The image I had adopted this evening was just covering that. If I weren't in this dress, I would also be able to friggin' move! What they didn't know was that I was closer to Green Day then they probably ever would be, which made me smirk with a little pride. The material tightly wrapped around me and the heels prevented me from jumping around within the rest of the crowd, causing me to be bashed about here and there in the adrenaline rush. Green Day teared into American Idiot, making me forget everything that had happened before in the pit. The heat, the punk rivalry, and the dress - I didn't care anymore.
"Don't wanna be an American Idiot!" Billie Joe screamed at the top of his lungs, the crowd joining in.
The crowd went absolutely massive. Now I could say I had seen Green Day live. It was a good feeling. I can't remember what happened during the song - I seemed so lost within the music. The whole crowd joined in chanting, waving their fists in the air and obeying Billie Joe's command. Only something he could ever do in the punk rock world without being told to 'fuck off. ' These were the kings. The song finished its last chord and everyone went wild, cheering, whooping, yelling and screaming as the leaders of our generation stood before us, smiling and enjoying the whole experience and attention. I looked up at Billie Joe, a glint within my eye of excitement, happiness, adrenaline and energy. He overlooked the crowd, smiling, and too a glint of excitement and thrill from the performance sat present in his eyes. He winked at me cheekily, my heart fluttering. I couldn't doubt him anymore. I had been stupid earlier to think that 'whatsername' could have stolen him from me. That is, until I turned round to leave to meet him again to see her standing there right behind me. My heart pulsated in my throat. Had Billie Joe been winking at her or me? A sense of jealousy and bitterness bit me, as she smiled casually.
"Hi."
I ignored her, biting my lip and storming through the crowd of people trying to get away from her. It was like swimming against a current. Every time I tried to escape I seemed to be dragged back. Suddenly I felt anxious again, hurt and slightly confused. Why couldn't she just go away and leave us alone?
* * * * * * * *
Billie Joe walked towards me, giving me a hug from just escaping backstage after the performance.
"Hey sweetie." He smiled, as I caged into him and his open arms.
He had just changed into his suit again from his 'American Idiot' costume - The o' so familiar black shirt, trousers, black studded belt and red tie that I had fallen for so many times before.
"You've been talking to her haven't you?" I simply said, feeling cold inside as I hugged him.
"What?" He asked, looking down on me, I refused to look into his eyes.
"Rachael."
"Oh, don't start this again." He moaned, rolling his eyes slightly, but trying to assure me all in all. "I haven't been near her."
"Well that's funny," I replied, pressing my nose against his chest. " 'Cos you sure smell like her."
"SMELL like her...?!" He protested. "Ok, you're just turning psycho on me now Stef. It's like I can't talk to anyone else incase you don't like it."
"I didn't say that did I?"
"Well, it kind of feels like it."
His words knocked me a bit, making me close my mouth before I could say anymore. There was an awkward pause as we stood next to each other, the tension building up.
"I'm just - a bit, weary of her Billie, that's all." I told him, starting to want to cry.
"A bit?" He laughed a little, mocking.
"Don't be like that."
"I'm not the one who's jumping down my throat every time I go to talk to someone."
I winced inside, he didn't understand. "Its just that Rachael, no one else Billie. You understand me don't you? You understand why I'm being - like this...?"
He looked down at me pensively, scratching the back of his neck and frowning.
"It's because I can't stand the fact that I might... Loose... You to... Her." I blurted out to him, eyes watering slowly before he could say anything back to me.
He looked at me with sorrow eyes, a little screwed inside and not knowing what to say. This was the second time I had said this tonight.
"I would never put HER up against you Stef." He sighed, pulling me to him and giving me another hug, which this time I accepted gratefully. "I've already told you. She's nothing. Besides, why would I want to go and talk to her? She has no taste in music."
I sniggered a little, because in my mind she didn't have any too. By the way she was warbling in the pit also proved my point. I snuggled against him, again starting to hate myself for being so protective and accusing him again. Then it totally changed again.
"Hey Billie Joe." She called, approaching him and totally ignoring me wrapped around him.
It. Was. HER. My eyes narrowed, curling my lip as she still failed to acknowledge me. She beamed as she practically stood against him, making my blood boil.
"Oh erm... Hey... Rachael." Billie Joe awkwardly replied, looking away.
"You were amazing just now." She smiled, tilting her head to one side and giving the innocent look.
"Oh thanks."
"But I've already told you that haven't I?" She giggled, Billie Joe gulping hard.
Already? She had told him...? Wait a minute; he HAD been speaking to her then. Panic flew inside of me once again, anxious and hating the unknown. When had she seen him? He had only been off stage a few minutes. God, she don't waste fucking time does she? Billie Joe had lied to me. As she continued talking, Billie Joe replying awkwardly, I sniffed the air lightly, picking up a scented smell. I then proceeded to press my face into Billie's chest once again and sniff him. The same smell was on him. HER SMELL. That's what I had smelt earlier.
"Stef don't do that." Billie Joe mumbled, looking down on me confusingly as I pressed my face into him.
I looked up at him, immediately stopping. Rachael laughed.
"Is this your daughter?" She asked, smiling down at me.
Daughter?! DAUGHTER?! I'll give her fucking daughter! I gave her an evil look, one that only she deserved. Snarling, Billie Joe pulled me back with his arms towards him, preventing me from being able to touch her.
"Erm... Yeah." He replied, he'sitating.
Oh my god. I shot up at Billie Joe, glaring at him. He said I was his daughter... Why couldn't he admit that we were together? I was so confused right now. And so hurt.
"Aw, she looks just like you." She commented, trying to butter me up, instead making me angry, screaming and cursing inside.
I wanted to lash out at her, and scratch her dead. She was so manipulating, and intimidating towards me. And I hated it. It killed me inside slowly, giving me a slow painful mental death.
"So, how about those drinks you promised then?" She continued, edging towards him closer, smiling like she had botox injected into her mouth constantly.
"Erm yeah... Sure... I'll - um... Be over there in a second. Just something I - gotta... You know, sort out first." He told her, forcing the words out, still holding a grip of me.
"Ok then." She gleamed, twirling on her feet and heading the other way before calling out to him again. "I'll just be over by the bar."
She disappeared back amongst the other people; a few celebrities darted here and there. We both watched her go, Billie a little stunned.
"Let go of me." I grunted, trying to get out of his wrath.
He let go of me reluctantly, eyeing me carefully incase I decided to run after her and give her a piece of my mind. And believe me, I wanted to with all my might.
"I just talked to her." He mumbled after suspense of silence, trying to explain his actions. "She was standing there, and she was just sort of... Jumped on me!"
I glared at him when he said 'jumped. ' He could have worded things better.
"Figure of speech Stef." He moaned, seeing my reaction. "It was nothing. We just talked. Nothing happened. I promise."
"If nothing happened then why did you lie to me about it?" I accused.
"Because... " he started, getting a little frustrated and running his hand through his disheveled hair. "Because I knew you would be like this. I knew you would react like this and worry. Why does it matter so much to you?"
"Why does it matter so much?!" I seemed to yell, raising my voice. "Because I... I lov- because it just does!"
"Hang on," Billie Joe stopped me, edging towards me, quieted. "What did you just say?"
"Oh what does it care anyway?!" I roared, flying my arms in the air, more than frustrated. "I'm only your 'daughter'!"
He frowned. "Hey, I saved our asses by saying that!"
"In what way?"
"Shhhh!" He assured me, putting his finger to his lip and glancing around to see if anyone were watching. "In the way that I didn't pass on information to Rachael that was personal to us!" He whined, using his hands and clenching them together trying to make me see sense.
"What information?" I scowled back bitterly. "Because at the moment there doesn't seem to be any."
He looked taken back by my bitterness and cold attitude. I had just denied anything and everything that were happening between us, even though inside I was screaming;
I FUCKING LOVE YOU. WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?
"Don't be like that Stef. You know deep down I did this for us, protected you. You understand that don't you? If I had told her about us then 9 out of 10 she would have gone and told someone. Someone of the media no doubt. Then what would have happened? Huh? I would have lost my marriage, we would probably never see each other again... You would go back home - do you want that? Is that what you want?"
I shut my eyes, trying to block him out. He was right - he always was. Everything he was saying was true and I knew it. But however much it made perfect sense, I still denied it. It still hurt like a sore thumb.
"No it's not what I want." I mumbled back. "And you know it's not."
"Then why can't you understand why I did it for god's sake?!"
"Why can't you accept what's going on between us?!" I grunted through my teeth, feeling that now was the time to be angry.
If I was angry now about one thing, I might as well be angry about everything because I don't get angry often.
"I am accepting it... It's just... "
"Just what Billie Joe?" I returned, planting one hand on hip.
He proceeded to put his fists to his temple in frustration and strain. "It's just hard that's all!"
"Hard?" I queried.
"Yes, hard! Alright?" He barked, leading me to reply with "How is it hard?!"
He furrowed his brow. "Ask yourself the same question!"
I bit my lip, hating every moment with this. I was ARGUING with Billie Joe. That's right. I was arguing with the man I never thought I would step near, let alone argue and be at the Grammies with. The man I also loved with all my heart. There was a very long silence between us, both looking away and not knowing what to say. Just standing there waiting for the other to speak.
"Look," Billie Joe sighed, again running his hand through his hair. "I'm going to and have this drink with Rachael, because I said I would."
I eyed him carefully, anger boiling hot inside once again.
"Now, you can come with me and join us, then you can see that nothing happens. Or you can go and spend sometime with Tre and Mike. It's your call."
I looked at him long and hard, his face tired and strained, the sweat pouring off of his forehead. After all that had just been said - he was going back? Back to see her? I didn't understand him. I wanted to cry.
"Oh just forget it!" I suddenly snapped, turning away from him and striding off, not looking back but letting a sob escape. I clenched my mouth shut tight as I headed towards the toilets, holding back my tears as I left him standing there in the middle of the hall floor, watching me go. I picked up the pace and ran into the toilets, not being able to keep control of myself anymore. I ran to the sinks and hunched over one, leaning against it with my hands, letting the tears slowly appear, looking up in the mirror. My eyes were all bloodshot and glazed, tears sliding from the side. I saw that standing next to me was the same woman who had caught me and Billie Joe together in the toilets earlier, a few hours back. She looked me up and down in disgust, powdering her nose.
"Oh it's you." She insulted, catching a glance of me before tutting. "What's the matter? Boyfriend ditched you, has he?"
I sharply shot a stare at her, glaring and bouring into her. I snarled whilst looking at her long and hard. But I couldn't take it any longer. I broke down and ran into a cubicle, slamming the door shut behind me so much that it vibrated and letting the tears flow. I put my hand to my mouth to stop the sound of sobbing escape form me, but it was no use. I crouched down and sat on the toilet seat, tears never ending and dripping down my face, staining my make up and screwing me up inside as I felt the pain seep from my eyes. I slumped over, hands clutched tightly around the back of my neck as I rocked backwards and forwards constantly. Then it was then that I realized that the walls I were trapped within where the same one's that I had pressed Billie Joe up against a few hours ago - before 'whatsername' had even appeared. I let out another heart wrenching sob, and cried myself slowly into desperation. I fell to the side and leant against a wall to the cubicle, slumped and luggish, not knowing what was going to happen next, and waiting for it to take place.
* * * * * * * *
Billie Joe hadn't come near me since he had laid his eyes upon whatsername again, and it also seemed that he had totally forgotten about out little fumble in the toilets a few hours ago. I had finally appeared from the toilet cubicle, after an hour of crying and debating whether my life was worth living anymore. I couldn't keep this up. Another heart-to-heart with Tre had taken its place, after he had found me wandering around dumbstruck, lost and looking for something out there to help me - an answer. He had been worried sick about me since he had found Billie Joe without me, but with HER.
"I told him that I thought he was an arsehole." Tre had told me, calming me down and taking me outside to talk. "I told him that he should be with you. Not HER. Just forget it Stef. If you go after her then it'll make things worse. Even if it does seem the right thing to do at the moment. But you've got to let it go for tonight. He'll see sense by tomorrow. He'll see how fucking stupid he was to leave you, and go off with her. You'll make yourself worse if you go looking for them and see something you... Don't - want to. If you're not careful you'll make yourself ill. Look at you, you look terrible. Shit, if only he could see what he's done."
But even though Tre had advised me to back off and leave it, I couldn't resist wandering around and trying to find him. I had this morbid fascination in trying to find Billie Joe even though it would break my heart and plunge me into even more trouble and pain. I moped around, trying to find him, I even got to the point where I had gone round asking people if they had seen the Green Day front man. I was that desperate. For hours I had waited to catch him, hoping he had just popped out for another fag or something like that. Hoping for the inevitable. I had to talk to him, fix things. I had been stupid to run off like I had earlier. I had forgotten that it was all thanks to him that I was here. Not just at the Grammies - but in America still, alive, fed and well. I waited forever, desperately trying every possibility but I knew deep down where he was, I just didn't want to the think it was true. At one point about an hour ago I had seen him, budging through the crowd with two drinks in his hands. I had tried to chase after him, calling his name in despair, but by the time I had reached the other side of the dance floor, he had vanished, again.
* * * * * * * *
"Billie Joe!" I cried, tapping on his shoulder.
He turned around, slumped over the bar and on a stool. I caught a glance of his face, which scared the hell out of me. His eyes were bloodshot, red and glazed, his face grogged, the strain and pressure pulsating through him, and 2 empty bottles of what had been vodka sprawled out in front of him. He glared up at me, the alcohol taking over him and his control of his mind and body. He then proceeded to turn back and hunch back over the bar.
"Billie... " I whispered, still in a state of shock in the mess he was in. "I... Um... I've been worried."
"Have you?" He asked sarcastically. "I don't see why you should be. We have no personal information between us remember?"
He bitterly bit back, hitting me hard inside. Holy fucking shit... What the fuck had I done to him? I had always felt the victim, but now... Now it was Billie Joe. And he wasn't taking it too well to say the least. With all of his problems with Adrienne and the strain of touring lately, and now this, no wonder why he had turned out the way he had tonight. I wanted to cry, bleed my heart out as he wrenched at it, soulful looking and dark. I just stood there - behind him, not knowing what to say, my guts wanted to be thrown up and wanting to shoot myself for all the pain I had caused.
"Read between the lines/What's fucked up and everything's alright/Check my vital signs/I know I'm still alive and I walk alone."
I watched as two more bottles of booze appeared at the bar in front of him. He nodded as gratitude of thanks to the barman as he picked up the bottles and slouched off of his stool, heading towards the other side of the hall.
"Billie Joe... " I sobbed, watching him pass, ignoring me completely. "Don't go... "
But I couldn't do anything but stand there and watch him slip away from me further and further into nothing.
* * * * * * * *
"He went off again." I sobbed whining, dragging myself over to where Tre was sitting at the table.
He had resumed to his seating spot that he had picked from after their wild performance only a few hours ago. He had turned it into 'his corner' as he put it. Another drink stood placed on the table before him, a different one from earlier I assumed.
"Hmmmm?" He turned to face me, coming out of his mode of drumming with his fingers against the table.
Ironically, I had spent more time with Tre tonight than I had Billie Joe. It was meant to be the other way round. Billie Joe and I were meant to inseparable by now, not being able to part from one another for longer than 10 minutes. But that wasn't the case.
"He's gone again. Off! Don't ask me why or... Where even. He just ignored me." I moaned feeling defeated, placing my butt on the chair I had already sat in and complained before so many times tonight.
"He's gone again?" Tre questioned, looking a little confused.
He wasn't the only one.
He resumed to continue. "Didn't I tell you not to go chasing after him?"
"I can't help it!" I broke down. "I feel so bad Tre. So bad, and there's nothing I can do. No matter what I try. Now he's just totally ignoring me. That's never happened before. Now I've lost him. Lost him for good, and he's rejecting me. If he - " I stopped mid-cry as I stole a saddened look off of Tre. "Tre, if Billie Joe rejects me, then I'll crumble. I'll... Fall apart. I won't be able to live anymore."
"Don't say that." Tre told me, his eyes turning watery. "It breaks my heart to see you like this."
He looked down at his shoes slightly embarrassed, then preceded to carry on, clearing his throat and leaning in towards me.
"You know I have a 'soft spot' for you. I know that you will be happy with Billie Joe, and you always are whenever you two are together. I can see it, Mike sees it, but sometimes, sometimes I just want to keep you safe, and tell Billie Joe to stop fucking about and messing you up. He doesn't see what I see Stef. He doesn't see the output that he has on you. He doesn't see you suffer like I do, or understand how much he takes his toll upon you. And for me to see that, what happens on the outside of what goes on between you, kills me inside Stef. And I wish for more than anything that you're happy, and I know that I could never have you because you love Billie more than anything... But - if it's anything to go by then... I'll always be here for you, ok? So the next time you feel like breaking down, just think that someone out there still loves you. And that person will always be here for you. Through shit and hell."
"And now performing... A band who we have grown up with throughout the years to love. They are already Grammy winners tonight - and you'll be an American Idiot to miss them. Here's Green Day!"
The whole crowd went wild with excitement, as the three familiar figures stepped onto the stage and positioned themselves with their instruments. I screamed at the top of my voice, cheering them on as the lights threw up on them. A few punks turned around in front of me and looked me up and down before throwing me an evil look, as if I were a teenie or something. If I weren't in this dress, they wouldn't have done that. What they didn't know was that I was just as much like them in life. The image I had adopted this evening was just covering that. If I weren't in this dress, I would also be able to friggin' move! What they didn't know was that I was closer to Green Day then they probably ever would be, which made me smirk with a little pride. The material tightly wrapped around me and the heels prevented me from jumping around within the rest of the crowd, causing me to be bashed about here and there in the adrenaline rush. Green Day teared into American Idiot, making me forget everything that had happened before in the pit. The heat, the punk rivalry, and the dress - I didn't care anymore.
"Don't wanna be an American Idiot!" Billie Joe screamed at the top of his lungs, the crowd joining in.
The crowd went absolutely massive. Now I could say I had seen Green Day live. It was a good feeling. I can't remember what happened during the song - I seemed so lost within the music. The whole crowd joined in chanting, waving their fists in the air and obeying Billie Joe's command. Only something he could ever do in the punk rock world without being told to 'fuck off. ' These were the kings. The song finished its last chord and everyone went wild, cheering, whooping, yelling and screaming as the leaders of our generation stood before us, smiling and enjoying the whole experience and attention. I looked up at Billie Joe, a glint within my eye of excitement, happiness, adrenaline and energy. He overlooked the crowd, smiling, and too a glint of excitement and thrill from the performance sat present in his eyes. He winked at me cheekily, my heart fluttering. I couldn't doubt him anymore. I had been stupid earlier to think that 'whatsername' could have stolen him from me. That is, until I turned round to leave to meet him again to see her standing there right behind me. My heart pulsated in my throat. Had Billie Joe been winking at her or me? A sense of jealousy and bitterness bit me, as she smiled casually.
"Hi."
I ignored her, biting my lip and storming through the crowd of people trying to get away from her. It was like swimming against a current. Every time I tried to escape I seemed to be dragged back. Suddenly I felt anxious again, hurt and slightly confused. Why couldn't she just go away and leave us alone?
* * * * * * * *
Billie Joe walked towards me, giving me a hug from just escaping backstage after the performance.
"Hey sweetie." He smiled, as I caged into him and his open arms.
He had just changed into his suit again from his 'American Idiot' costume - The o' so familiar black shirt, trousers, black studded belt and red tie that I had fallen for so many times before.
"You've been talking to her haven't you?" I simply said, feeling cold inside as I hugged him.
"What?" He asked, looking down on me, I refused to look into his eyes.
"Rachael."
"Oh, don't start this again." He moaned, rolling his eyes slightly, but trying to assure me all in all. "I haven't been near her."
"Well that's funny," I replied, pressing my nose against his chest. " 'Cos you sure smell like her."
"SMELL like her...?!" He protested. "Ok, you're just turning psycho on me now Stef. It's like I can't talk to anyone else incase you don't like it."
"I didn't say that did I?"
"Well, it kind of feels like it."
His words knocked me a bit, making me close my mouth before I could say anymore. There was an awkward pause as we stood next to each other, the tension building up.
"I'm just - a bit, weary of her Billie, that's all." I told him, starting to want to cry.
"A bit?" He laughed a little, mocking.
"Don't be like that."
"I'm not the one who's jumping down my throat every time I go to talk to someone."
I winced inside, he didn't understand. "Its just that Rachael, no one else Billie. You understand me don't you? You understand why I'm being - like this...?"
He looked down at me pensively, scratching the back of his neck and frowning.
"It's because I can't stand the fact that I might... Loose... You to... Her." I blurted out to him, eyes watering slowly before he could say anything back to me.
He looked at me with sorrow eyes, a little screwed inside and not knowing what to say. This was the second time I had said this tonight.
"I would never put HER up against you Stef." He sighed, pulling me to him and giving me another hug, which this time I accepted gratefully. "I've already told you. She's nothing. Besides, why would I want to go and talk to her? She has no taste in music."
I sniggered a little, because in my mind she didn't have any too. By the way she was warbling in the pit also proved my point. I snuggled against him, again starting to hate myself for being so protective and accusing him again. Then it totally changed again.
"Hey Billie Joe." She called, approaching him and totally ignoring me wrapped around him.
It. Was. HER. My eyes narrowed, curling my lip as she still failed to acknowledge me. She beamed as she practically stood against him, making my blood boil.
"Oh erm... Hey... Rachael." Billie Joe awkwardly replied, looking away.
"You were amazing just now." She smiled, tilting her head to one side and giving the innocent look.
"Oh thanks."
"But I've already told you that haven't I?" She giggled, Billie Joe gulping hard.
Already? She had told him...? Wait a minute; he HAD been speaking to her then. Panic flew inside of me once again, anxious and hating the unknown. When had she seen him? He had only been off stage a few minutes. God, she don't waste fucking time does she? Billie Joe had lied to me. As she continued talking, Billie Joe replying awkwardly, I sniffed the air lightly, picking up a scented smell. I then proceeded to press my face into Billie's chest once again and sniff him. The same smell was on him. HER SMELL. That's what I had smelt earlier.
"Stef don't do that." Billie Joe mumbled, looking down on me confusingly as I pressed my face into him.
I looked up at him, immediately stopping. Rachael laughed.
"Is this your daughter?" She asked, smiling down at me.
Daughter?! DAUGHTER?! I'll give her fucking daughter! I gave her an evil look, one that only she deserved. Snarling, Billie Joe pulled me back with his arms towards him, preventing me from being able to touch her.
"Erm... Yeah." He replied, he'sitating.
Oh my god. I shot up at Billie Joe, glaring at him. He said I was his daughter... Why couldn't he admit that we were together? I was so confused right now. And so hurt.
"Aw, she looks just like you." She commented, trying to butter me up, instead making me angry, screaming and cursing inside.
I wanted to lash out at her, and scratch her dead. She was so manipulating, and intimidating towards me. And I hated it. It killed me inside slowly, giving me a slow painful mental death.
"So, how about those drinks you promised then?" She continued, edging towards him closer, smiling like she had botox injected into her mouth constantly.
"Erm yeah... Sure... I'll - um... Be over there in a second. Just something I - gotta... You know, sort out first." He told her, forcing the words out, still holding a grip of me.
"Ok then." She gleamed, twirling on her feet and heading the other way before calling out to him again. "I'll just be over by the bar."
She disappeared back amongst the other people; a few celebrities darted here and there. We both watched her go, Billie a little stunned.
"Let go of me." I grunted, trying to get out of his wrath.
He let go of me reluctantly, eyeing me carefully incase I decided to run after her and give her a piece of my mind. And believe me, I wanted to with all my might.
"I just talked to her." He mumbled after suspense of silence, trying to explain his actions. "She was standing there, and she was just sort of... Jumped on me!"
I glared at him when he said 'jumped. ' He could have worded things better.
"Figure of speech Stef." He moaned, seeing my reaction. "It was nothing. We just talked. Nothing happened. I promise."
"If nothing happened then why did you lie to me about it?" I accused.
"Because... " he started, getting a little frustrated and running his hand through his disheveled hair. "Because I knew you would be like this. I knew you would react like this and worry. Why does it matter so much to you?"
"Why does it matter so much?!" I seemed to yell, raising my voice. "Because I... I lov- because it just does!"
"Hang on," Billie Joe stopped me, edging towards me, quieted. "What did you just say?"
"Oh what does it care anyway?!" I roared, flying my arms in the air, more than frustrated. "I'm only your 'daughter'!"
He frowned. "Hey, I saved our asses by saying that!"
"In what way?"
"Shhhh!" He assured me, putting his finger to his lip and glancing around to see if anyone were watching. "In the way that I didn't pass on information to Rachael that was personal to us!" He whined, using his hands and clenching them together trying to make me see sense.
"What information?" I scowled back bitterly. "Because at the moment there doesn't seem to be any."
He looked taken back by my bitterness and cold attitude. I had just denied anything and everything that were happening between us, even though inside I was screaming;
I FUCKING LOVE YOU. WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?
"Don't be like that Stef. You know deep down I did this for us, protected you. You understand that don't you? If I had told her about us then 9 out of 10 she would have gone and told someone. Someone of the media no doubt. Then what would have happened? Huh? I would have lost my marriage, we would probably never see each other again... You would go back home - do you want that? Is that what you want?"
I shut my eyes, trying to block him out. He was right - he always was. Everything he was saying was true and I knew it. But however much it made perfect sense, I still denied it. It still hurt like a sore thumb.
"No it's not what I want." I mumbled back. "And you know it's not."
"Then why can't you understand why I did it for god's sake?!"
"Why can't you accept what's going on between us?!" I grunted through my teeth, feeling that now was the time to be angry.
If I was angry now about one thing, I might as well be angry about everything because I don't get angry often.
"I am accepting it... It's just... "
"Just what Billie Joe?" I returned, planting one hand on hip.
He proceeded to put his fists to his temple in frustration and strain. "It's just hard that's all!"
"Hard?" I queried.
"Yes, hard! Alright?" He barked, leading me to reply with "How is it hard?!"
He furrowed his brow. "Ask yourself the same question!"
I bit my lip, hating every moment with this. I was ARGUING with Billie Joe. That's right. I was arguing with the man I never thought I would step near, let alone argue and be at the Grammies with. The man I also loved with all my heart. There was a very long silence between us, both looking away and not knowing what to say. Just standing there waiting for the other to speak.
"Look," Billie Joe sighed, again running his hand through his hair. "I'm going to and have this drink with Rachael, because I said I would."
I eyed him carefully, anger boiling hot inside once again.
"Now, you can come with me and join us, then you can see that nothing happens. Or you can go and spend sometime with Tre and Mike. It's your call."
I looked at him long and hard, his face tired and strained, the sweat pouring off of his forehead. After all that had just been said - he was going back? Back to see her? I didn't understand him. I wanted to cry.
"Oh just forget it!" I suddenly snapped, turning away from him and striding off, not looking back but letting a sob escape. I clenched my mouth shut tight as I headed towards the toilets, holding back my tears as I left him standing there in the middle of the hall floor, watching me go. I picked up the pace and ran into the toilets, not being able to keep control of myself anymore. I ran to the sinks and hunched over one, leaning against it with my hands, letting the tears slowly appear, looking up in the mirror. My eyes were all bloodshot and glazed, tears sliding from the side. I saw that standing next to me was the same woman who had caught me and Billie Joe together in the toilets earlier, a few hours back. She looked me up and down in disgust, powdering her nose.
"Oh it's you." She insulted, catching a glance of me before tutting. "What's the matter? Boyfriend ditched you, has he?"
I sharply shot a stare at her, glaring and bouring into her. I snarled whilst looking at her long and hard. But I couldn't take it any longer. I broke down and ran into a cubicle, slamming the door shut behind me so much that it vibrated and letting the tears flow. I put my hand to my mouth to stop the sound of sobbing escape form me, but it was no use. I crouched down and sat on the toilet seat, tears never ending and dripping down my face, staining my make up and screwing me up inside as I felt the pain seep from my eyes. I slumped over, hands clutched tightly around the back of my neck as I rocked backwards and forwards constantly. Then it was then that I realized that the walls I were trapped within where the same one's that I had pressed Billie Joe up against a few hours ago - before 'whatsername' had even appeared. I let out another heart wrenching sob, and cried myself slowly into desperation. I fell to the side and leant against a wall to the cubicle, slumped and luggish, not knowing what was going to happen next, and waiting for it to take place.
* * * * * * * *
Billie Joe hadn't come near me since he had laid his eyes upon whatsername again, and it also seemed that he had totally forgotten about out little fumble in the toilets a few hours ago. I had finally appeared from the toilet cubicle, after an hour of crying and debating whether my life was worth living anymore. I couldn't keep this up. Another heart-to-heart with Tre had taken its place, after he had found me wandering around dumbstruck, lost and looking for something out there to help me - an answer. He had been worried sick about me since he had found Billie Joe without me, but with HER.
"I told him that I thought he was an arsehole." Tre had told me, calming me down and taking me outside to talk. "I told him that he should be with you. Not HER. Just forget it Stef. If you go after her then it'll make things worse. Even if it does seem the right thing to do at the moment. But you've got to let it go for tonight. He'll see sense by tomorrow. He'll see how fucking stupid he was to leave you, and go off with her. You'll make yourself worse if you go looking for them and see something you... Don't - want to. If you're not careful you'll make yourself ill. Look at you, you look terrible. Shit, if only he could see what he's done."
But even though Tre had advised me to back off and leave it, I couldn't resist wandering around and trying to find him. I had this morbid fascination in trying to find Billie Joe even though it would break my heart and plunge me into even more trouble and pain. I moped around, trying to find him, I even got to the point where I had gone round asking people if they had seen the Green Day front man. I was that desperate. For hours I had waited to catch him, hoping he had just popped out for another fag or something like that. Hoping for the inevitable. I had to talk to him, fix things. I had been stupid to run off like I had earlier. I had forgotten that it was all thanks to him that I was here. Not just at the Grammies - but in America still, alive, fed and well. I waited forever, desperately trying every possibility but I knew deep down where he was, I just didn't want to the think it was true. At one point about an hour ago I had seen him, budging through the crowd with two drinks in his hands. I had tried to chase after him, calling his name in despair, but by the time I had reached the other side of the dance floor, he had vanished, again.
* * * * * * * *
"Billie Joe!" I cried, tapping on his shoulder.
He turned around, slumped over the bar and on a stool. I caught a glance of his face, which scared the hell out of me. His eyes were bloodshot, red and glazed, his face grogged, the strain and pressure pulsating through him, and 2 empty bottles of what had been vodka sprawled out in front of him. He glared up at me, the alcohol taking over him and his control of his mind and body. He then proceeded to turn back and hunch back over the bar.
"Billie... " I whispered, still in a state of shock in the mess he was in. "I... Um... I've been worried."
"Have you?" He asked sarcastically. "I don't see why you should be. We have no personal information between us remember?"
He bitterly bit back, hitting me hard inside. Holy fucking shit... What the fuck had I done to him? I had always felt the victim, but now... Now it was Billie Joe. And he wasn't taking it too well to say the least. With all of his problems with Adrienne and the strain of touring lately, and now this, no wonder why he had turned out the way he had tonight. I wanted to cry, bleed my heart out as he wrenched at it, soulful looking and dark. I just stood there - behind him, not knowing what to say, my guts wanted to be thrown up and wanting to shoot myself for all the pain I had caused.
"Read between the lines/What's fucked up and everything's alright/Check my vital signs/I know I'm still alive and I walk alone."
I watched as two more bottles of booze appeared at the bar in front of him. He nodded as gratitude of thanks to the barman as he picked up the bottles and slouched off of his stool, heading towards the other side of the hall.
"Billie Joe... " I sobbed, watching him pass, ignoring me completely. "Don't go... "
But I couldn't do anything but stand there and watch him slip away from me further and further into nothing.
* * * * * * * *
"He went off again." I sobbed whining, dragging myself over to where Tre was sitting at the table.
He had resumed to his seating spot that he had picked from after their wild performance only a few hours ago. He had turned it into 'his corner' as he put it. Another drink stood placed on the table before him, a different one from earlier I assumed.
"Hmmmm?" He turned to face me, coming out of his mode of drumming with his fingers against the table.
Ironically, I had spent more time with Tre tonight than I had Billie Joe. It was meant to be the other way round. Billie Joe and I were meant to inseparable by now, not being able to part from one another for longer than 10 minutes. But that wasn't the case.
"He's gone again. Off! Don't ask me why or... Where even. He just ignored me." I moaned feeling defeated, placing my butt on the chair I had already sat in and complained before so many times tonight.
"He's gone again?" Tre questioned, looking a little confused.
He wasn't the only one.
He resumed to continue. "Didn't I tell you not to go chasing after him?"
"I can't help it!" I broke down. "I feel so bad Tre. So bad, and there's nothing I can do. No matter what I try. Now he's just totally ignoring me. That's never happened before. Now I've lost him. Lost him for good, and he's rejecting me. If he - " I stopped mid-cry as I stole a saddened look off of Tre. "Tre, if Billie Joe rejects me, then I'll crumble. I'll... Fall apart. I won't be able to live anymore."
"Don't say that." Tre told me, his eyes turning watery. "It breaks my heart to see you like this."
He looked down at his shoes slightly embarrassed, then preceded to carry on, clearing his throat and leaning in towards me.
"You know I have a 'soft spot' for you. I know that you will be happy with Billie Joe, and you always are whenever you two are together. I can see it, Mike sees it, but sometimes, sometimes I just want to keep you safe, and tell Billie Joe to stop fucking about and messing you up. He doesn't see what I see Stef. He doesn't see the output that he has on you. He doesn't see you suffer like I do, or understand how much he takes his toll upon you. And for me to see that, what happens on the outside of what goes on between you, kills me inside Stef. And I wish for more than anything that you're happy, and I know that I could never have you because you love Billie more than anything... But - if it's anything to go by then... I'll always be here for you, ok? So the next time you feel like breaking down, just think that someone out there still loves you. And that person will always be here for you. Through shit and hell."
