A Note Don't Come Easy, chapter 27
"So he's with her now then?"
I gave Tre a you-know-who-he's-with look, quirking my eyebrows, and sliding my jaw to one side.
"Oh... " Tre murmured, still kind of shocked at his friend's actions. "Again."
"Yes! Again!" I cried, pounding my fists on my thighs as I sat in my anger.
Mike had joined us from after quickly visiting the ceremony again, leaning against the table behind Tre who sat in his chair still.
Tre should have known. Who else could it be apart from Rachael? I knew it was the dress that I was wearing. It had put him right off. My confidence had been knocked badly. I felt so insecure without Billie Joe, and knowing that he was out there, with some other woman. It gave me the creeps, scaring me - and I didn't like it. Not one bit.
"It's ok Stef." Tre sighed, moving his chair closer to mine and slumping his arm over my shoulder, pulling me close to him. "We're still here for you. Leave that dumbass."
I sighed uncomfortably when I looked up worriedly to see a drunken Billie Joe staggering towards us. I gulped slightly as my heart slowed down in discomfort. I hated seeing him like this. He wasn't the funny drunk Billie Joe that I knew, but aggressive and quite demanding.
"What you doing holding Stef like that Tre?" He demanded, raising his eyebrows, eyes watery from crying alone.
"You left her Billie damn it." Tre snorted, looking at him piously.
"Doesn't mean you can move all over her though does it?" He yelled back, looking disgusted, wiping his eyes.
His bloodshot watery eyes were like pissholes in the snow, piercing and worryingly scary. I looked at him in concern, then at Tre, who was still holding onto me; scowling at him. I didn't understand what he was going on about - he was blowing it all out of proportion. I didn't want Tre to shout at him though. I was my fault that he had turned to drink and had been crying. But I still didn't seem to get it. Tre wasn't trying anything at all. He was being more of a company then he was, lets just say that.
"What do you mean, move all over her?" Tre cried, raising his body forward, threatening like. "I'm just keeping her company which is more than you can say you arsewipe."
Billie Joe turned to face his friend face on, scowling at him, his eyes widening in the process.
"I tried Tre! I fucking tried! What else am I supposed to do?" He screamed, waving his arms about. "Handcuff myself to her and throw away the key?"
"It can easily be arranged."
The two men locked stares, glaring at each other before one of them broke the tension. Mike leaned forward from behind the chairs Tre and I was sitting in and tried to break up the argument. He didn't want a punch-up performance tonight thank you.
"Come on guys. Let's not fight now k? Stop acting like complete arseholes."
"Leave off Mike." Tre whispered to him, still locking a stare with Billie.
"I DO have other people to see here you know." Billie Joe grunted, curling his lip, booze resting upon it and totally ignoring Mike.
"Maybe, but you've totally blanked her out all fucking night! What is she meant to think?" Tre screamed now, his face screwed up and forming into a snarl. "I was only trying to give her what you can't seem to tonight."
"What I - " Billie Joe repeated furiously. "She's MY fucking date Tre! This has nothing to do with you you little shit."
"Well then start acting like she's your date then arsehole!"
"I'm no one's!" I screamed in between them not being able to take anymore. "Stop arguing!"
It reminded me of my family back at home. Anxiety started to take its toll on me.
"Stop it now, both of you!" Mike yelled above them, snapping, seeing me start to crumble. "This is ridiculous!"
"Well he's the one who started it!" Billie Joe screeched, throwing his fist in the air towards Tre.
In an outrage, he turned around to the table and picked up whatever drink he could find and gulped it down. Relying on alcohol seemed like his only support now. It broke my heart to see him so vulnerable.
"Maybe you should tell him to stop trying to fuck whatsername then Mike." Tre snapped, scowling, turning to Billie. "Cunt."
I shut down. I choked. I screamed inside. Holy fucking crap... I couldn't take this anymore. My eyes darted between both of them. Why had it turned out like this? Tre had taken things too far in saying that. I bit my tongue as it fell silent amongst the four of us. Mike horrifically looked at Tre, then carefully at Billie, who looked down at the floor beaten.
"No wonder why you're having problems with Adrienne." Tre added, lighting a fuse inside of Billie Joe and rising to his feet to stand his level face to face. He laughed. "I'm surprised she hadn't chucked you out ages ago."
Something inside of Billie snapped, causing him to look up at the drummer and stare horrendously. "Take that back bitch."
Tre leaned towards Billie's face, his only a few inches away, whispering in a manipulative manner to him.
"Make me."
Billie Joe turned away but then suddenly swung his fist at the drummer and gripped hold of his jacket. Mike ran in between them and fought Billie Joe off of Tre, scuffling him outside, angry and disgusted with both of their behavior.
"Come on Billie. Outside NOW!"
I watched as Mike desperately shoved Billie Joe away to take him outside, a few people watching before looking away as the pair scuffled past. I looked hesitantly, feeling scared, stunned and lifeless as Tre glared after him, before putting his hand up to his split lip that was now bleeding.
* * * * * * * *
After the fight I had once again made it my mission to find Billie, but he was gone. Gone for good. Not a trace left. It was awful. No words could describe. I know Tre was only trying to protect me, but god, Billie Joe's face... that was worse than anything else in the world. Two men arguing - over me. It didn't make sense.
I suddenly admitted defeat and sighed deeply. I knew that the whole situation had been too good to be true. Billie Joe and I have spent more time apart then together this evening. And that was an unhealthy sign to say the least.
Why had things turned out like this? Tonight could have been so perfect and yet it wasn't. Life was such a bitch sometimes. I suddenly put my fists down on the arms of the chair I was sitting in, grabbing the attention of a quiet Tre.
"I wanna go."
"Go? Where?" He questioned, quirking an eyebrow as both men now turned to face me.
"Back to the hotel I guess. Where else can I go?"
"But why Stef? We haven't even been here long."
"Try telling Billie Joe that." I whispered.
There was an awkward silence between the three of us at the absence of the Green Day front man. Not to mention the big bust up from earlier.
"He's really fucked you up hasn't he?" Mike murmured, scratching the back of his neck and cocking his head to one side in doing so.
I just shrugged my shoulders. I don't know what I thought really. I was just incredibly pissed off with him and Tre. This was meant to be our special night, but it had been totally ruined and destroyed.
Billie Joe was nowhere in sight, I was a mess, Tre had a fat lip and all three band members had a guilty conscience to their evening's previous scuffle. It had been more of a case that Mike and Tre had teamed up against Billie Joe and his drunken state. It was just nasty. It couldn't get any worse. I wanted to get away as fast as I could, and I thought I would never think that. I just wanted to leave.
"Maybe just stick around for a little longer?" Tre pleaded, swivelling around in his chair. "Maybe he'll come back."
But I had had enough. Mike stood behind him, leaning against the table slightly. I looked up at him, tears starting to swell in my tired blood shot eyes. I reconsidered the thought of staying, but I wouldn't last.
"I... I can't... stay... " I stuttered, my heart sinking.
I wanted to stay so much, but what would I do apart from sit around and wait for Billie Joe all night? I hadn't a clue where he had gone. I was both pissed off with him and yet so worried. There could have been the slight chance that something had happened to him. He wasn't in the most stable condition now was he?
"Well, if you don't wanna stay, then we're not stopping you from going back." Mike sighed. "I'm just sorry that things haven't turned out the way we planned."
Nothing HAD been planned in the first place, I had just hoped too much and too high. A relationship with Billie Joe at the moment didn't seem reachable.
I let out a sob and crumbled in my seat, hanging my head low as tears started to form. Tre glanced up at Mike worriedly before reaching out forward and hugging me tight.
"It's ok." he assured. " It'll be ok. I promise."
I tried desperately to draw back my tears as the drummer held onto me.
"I know I promised that you and Billie Joe would be ok, and together, and I know for a fact that he's been a total dipshit to you tonight. But I'm not going to break my promise just yet. He'll... come around. And I'm sorry for upsetting you earlier. I should have thought but... he just makes me angry sometimes. Someone had to say something."
He drew back and wiped away a tear from me.
"Thank you." I whispered, managing to smile bleakly back at him.
He placed his hand on my shoulder and smiled sweetly. I looked up at Mike, who opened up his arms - hinting a hug. I stepped into him and stood wrapped in his arms.
"It will be ok. Don't let Billie Joe get to you too much. He doesn't mean it. He's drunk. But still, I'll break his fucking arms when I see him. Then he'll be screwed."
I let out a weary pity of a laugh.
"I just want to forget about it Mike. I just want to go to sleep. Please don't be too hard on him though. For me?"
"Sure thing." Mike smiled. "I'll call you a taxi."
* * * * * * * *
I said goodbye to the two remaining members of Green Day, both giving them a hug and kiss each, feeling a little awkward towards Tre. They had both been so caring and lovely tonight, I couldn't thank them enough. Even if Tre had made things a little worse. But it was a lot more than what I can say about a certain Mr. Armstrong. Tre stayed behind at the party to stop any raise of suspicion whilst Mike led me out the back where he put me out in a taxi. The press would have shattered me if I had gone out the way we had come in. He paid for me to get back to the hotel and left me hanging onto a few words before the taxi drove off, leaning through the window.
"Don't worry. I won't let Billie Joe forget what he's done tonight."
* * * * * * * *
I slumped into the hotel lobby, wrenched and beaten as anything can be. I glanced up at the clock and saw that it was 3 in the morning. Damn, everything had just gone so quick. Maybe a little too quick, in the sense that it was all a blur still. Why had everything turned out the way they had? All because of one person. One fucking person who we had only come across over a few hours ago. I hated her so much. Yeah, you all know by now that I loathe her. Rachael. God, her name brought shivers down my spine. Just the same as Jimmy did. Man, they'd make a great couple. But then again I would hate to see what their offspring would turn out like.
I caught myself in the long lean mirror in the lobby as I headed towards the staircase. I looked awful, and I mean AWFUL. My eyes were all puffy from the strain of crying so much, bloodshot and glazed over. I looked as if I were about to burst out crying once again - which in way were true. I wanted to.
I leaned against the door and heaved it open, frayling into the staircases. Without any energy left, or any sort of enthusiasm left towards my life, I slowly wandered up to the 8th floor, up to my room. I can't remember how long it took me to get there, but my mind was just bulging from the evening's events. I can't believe that we had nearly made it in the toilet; it was like as if it had never happened to me - but to someone else and I had been watching from a distance. But then I couldn't quite get hold of anything that had happened. Especially the argument that had outraged between Billie Joe and Tre - two best friends. The guitarist and drummer of Green Day. The worst part of it was that they had been arguing over me, I hated to think that if I hadn't been there none of it would have happened. It just made me feel worse. Now come to think of it, it had all happened BECAUSE I was there to start with. Holy fucking shit... I hated myself right now. I had ruined their big night. They were meant to be celebrating; instead they had been fighting over nothing. Because deep down I was nothing.
Nothing but a waste of space.
I reached my room and slumped into the darkness, closing the door behind me. I hesitantly turned the light on, sighing deeply and sitting on the edge of my bed. I slowly took off my heels, feeling sudden relief that I didn't have to walk in them anymore. I probably wouldn't use them again for a very long time - if not ever.
I slipped out of my dress and hung it up from the top of the bathroom door, falling into something loose and comfortable - my jeans, converse and my American Idiot hoody. I leaned back on my bed and lay there motionless, staring at the ceiling thinking. Thinking until my head was sore. Thinking until I could think no more because it hurt so much.
* * * * * * * *
Tre had called Billie a cunt.
It was so unreal, something I never thought I would hear. It was horrible, too horrible to think about. It hurt me to see the people I loved the most fight like they had. It was like a stab at the heart. A heart that was already bleeding and suffering.
But the thing that played on my mind the most was the question of where HAD Billie Joe gone? Where did he disappear to? And was he still there now? With Rachael? Could I have really said too much that I had finally driven him away for good?
It was eating away at me hungrily. Maybe he had gone back to watch the ceremony. It seemed unlikely knowing Billie Joe, but it was a rare possibility.
Or maybe he had just come back to the hotel. Away from it all. There could have been that very slight chance that he was in the same building as me, right now. I heaved myself from off of the bed, deciding to go and see if he had returned early. At least it would ease my mind a bit in the thought that I had tried. I glanced at my clock and I caught back some alertness, sitting up from lying on the bed and hunching over. Glancing at it to the side of me, the red digits from the screen being the only light in the room. 1 and a half hours had passed and it was almost 5 in the morning. The sky brightening up already, a pale blue sky starting to string above us. I fumbled about the bedside table to find my room key, before I shut the door behind me, shoving the key in my pocket and yawning the first breath of the new morning air. I slowly tracked down the dim lit hallway, hoping that he was in his room and hoping that we could work things else. And most of all, hoping that he would forgive me. I glided down the stairs, the thought that Billie Joe might already be back at the hotel filling my mind.
He DID have that room to himself now, now that Tre and Mike were staying some place else. I still hadn't thought to ask them where yet. Maybe it was just as well that Tre and Billie were separated tonight though after their little bust up. I wandered down to the 4th floor, approaching down the hall and towards his room. My heartbeat picked up a little, anxious and filled with anticipation. I hadn't thought about what I was going to say to him if he were there. Holy Jesus - everything was so confusing right now. I stood outside his door momentarily, sighing deeply as I stared at it. Hands shoved in jean pockets as far as they were allowed to go, hoody slumped largely over my figure, eyeliner smudged and hair still in place from the show, I looked as wicked as anything. I put my tightened fist in front of the door, hesitating and pausing before I rasped against it with my knuckles. I clenched my eyes shut for a few seconds as I knocked, shifting my feet slightly in a nervous state. I glanced up and down the hallway a few times, checking nobody was watching and wondering whether I should knock again. I stood; waiting, waiting and waiting. Maybe I had hoped too much in the thought that he could be here. It seemed to be more of a solution in my mind than anything. Something I had been wishing to happen - believing that it were to be true.
Just when I was about to give up all hope and chance, I heard the door slowly unlock from behind. I snapped my head up, enlightened at the sound to see the door creek open slightly. And there, through the darkness of the room, I saw Billie Joe's eyes sneak through the gap. The door opened a little more, my heart beating and my eyes widening. He looked drained of all life, pale, scary looking and stunned to see me standing there on the other side of the door.
"Erm... hey." I grumbled, looking sheepishly to the side away.
"Hey." He awkwardly replied whispering, still holding the door half closed firmly so I couldn't see much past him.
"Can - ... can I come in?" I managed to say, feeling incredibly guilty. "We need to - umm... I mean... I need to tell you something. Speak to you."
It was me who had run off earlier in the hysterics, so rightfully it should be me who apologizes.
"Erm... " he gritted through his teeth forcefully, returning to speak firmly. "Now's not a good time."
The little light that he let escape into the room fell upon his dark figure, a strip of it falling down his face. His eyes were bloodshot; errantly a light shade of red, watery and piercing.
I looked at him, hesitating.
"Why's not a good time?" I asked. "Any other time I'm allowed in."
Ok, I sounded as if I was complaining, winging, and forceful upon him, but I was so frustrated. If I didn't say sorry to him now then I'd find it harder to do later on.
"I'm... ummm,... " he stammered. "I'm just tired and erm... and I don't feel too good."
I wasn't surprised after the amount he had been drinking throughout the evening.
"Oh... "
I suddenly felt a little guilty. Shit... he didn't look that good either. Why didn't I ever think about what he wanted? I wanted to hug him so much, hold him tight and kiss him better, but I couldn't. It wouldn't work and it would make things more complicated than they already were. I didn't want to play with his mind and make out as if nothing had happened. Because that seemed like the perfect way in which to do it.
"Well, I'll... um... speak to you tomorrow then, yeah?" I shuttered, not knowing really what to say.
"Erm yeah sure" He quickly replied, eager to shut the door.
"Well get better soon" I restrained myself from blurting out everything, and how I had fucked everything up, and how much I hated denying anything between us. He nodded briskly; he went to shut the door when paranoia hit me. Something inside telling me that something wasn't right.
"Wait," he opened the door a little again.
"Are you SURE you're ok?" He opened his mouth to answer me, when someone else's voice rang out from his room.
"Oh Billie Joe... "
I paused, blinking, taking the voice into account, my breath cut short from me.
"What... " I cried to myself, eyes widening and frowning.
I edged towards his door, looking past him from standing in the hallway on tiptoes and into his room as much as he tried to stop me. I saw a figure in his room, tall, dark and perfectly sculptured. Rachael sat on the edge of what had been Mike's bed, wearing only lacy underwear and facing Billie Joe's bed. I shot a look at Billie, shocked, horrified, stunned, sickened and numb. I staggered back against the wall opposite the door, as if someone had thrown a brick at me and it had knocked me flying. My heart seemed to have stopped beating, tightening and a lump arising in my throat. I stared a gawp, wide eyed at Billie as if I had been paralyzed. He looked behind his shoulder slightly again, then down at the floor, then me. His eyes were filled with terror, just like mine. Terror of the unknown. He stood there staring at me, the door still ajar and her figure lurking in the background. I started to shake inside, screaming, slowly dying. But I could not bring myself to physically cry- this was far beyond sanity, I couldn't do it. It was just too hurtful and painful to produce tears or any kind of reaction. I was too stunned, paralyzed, shocked and terrified to show any emotion. I was neutral - nothing.
I slowly shifted my foot to the side, not being able to take my eyes off him. Moving seemed too painful at the moment, but there was this some fascination behind it all, just staring and taking it all in. It was hard to breathe, staring at the man I love, knowing that he was with another woman, and it wasn't even his wife. I swallowed harshly, wanting to cough up everything I had ever owned inside of me. I didn't want to feel right now - it hurt too much. My vision tightened as I fixated, continued to stare horrifically at him. He couldn't bring himself to say anything. He stood there, holding the door still, looking at me, mouth hung open a little. Taking in every movement and breath I took, crumbling and falling to pieces in front of him. I shuffled a little down the wall, not taking away the eye contact, staring into the eyes that he always amazed me with. Those loving eyes that assured me every time and made me melt inside. My mind filled with the image of us in the toilet, passionately kissing - as I was suddenly replaced by Rachael. The video played over and over in my mind, driving me to insanity and wanting to crawl into a corner and die. I took one final long hard stare at him, taking him into account, before starting to shake from the pain, hurt, anger and darkness that I were feeling right now.
And then I did what I always did best - run.
I gave Tre a you-know-who-he's-with look, quirking my eyebrows, and sliding my jaw to one side.
"Oh... " Tre murmured, still kind of shocked at his friend's actions. "Again."
"Yes! Again!" I cried, pounding my fists on my thighs as I sat in my anger.
Mike had joined us from after quickly visiting the ceremony again, leaning against the table behind Tre who sat in his chair still.
Tre should have known. Who else could it be apart from Rachael? I knew it was the dress that I was wearing. It had put him right off. My confidence had been knocked badly. I felt so insecure without Billie Joe, and knowing that he was out there, with some other woman. It gave me the creeps, scaring me - and I didn't like it. Not one bit.
"It's ok Stef." Tre sighed, moving his chair closer to mine and slumping his arm over my shoulder, pulling me close to him. "We're still here for you. Leave that dumbass."
I sighed uncomfortably when I looked up worriedly to see a drunken Billie Joe staggering towards us. I gulped slightly as my heart slowed down in discomfort. I hated seeing him like this. He wasn't the funny drunk Billie Joe that I knew, but aggressive and quite demanding.
"What you doing holding Stef like that Tre?" He demanded, raising his eyebrows, eyes watery from crying alone.
"You left her Billie damn it." Tre snorted, looking at him piously.
"Doesn't mean you can move all over her though does it?" He yelled back, looking disgusted, wiping his eyes.
His bloodshot watery eyes were like pissholes in the snow, piercing and worryingly scary. I looked at him in concern, then at Tre, who was still holding onto me; scowling at him. I didn't understand what he was going on about - he was blowing it all out of proportion. I didn't want Tre to shout at him though. I was my fault that he had turned to drink and had been crying. But I still didn't seem to get it. Tre wasn't trying anything at all. He was being more of a company then he was, lets just say that.
"What do you mean, move all over her?" Tre cried, raising his body forward, threatening like. "I'm just keeping her company which is more than you can say you arsewipe."
Billie Joe turned to face his friend face on, scowling at him, his eyes widening in the process.
"I tried Tre! I fucking tried! What else am I supposed to do?" He screamed, waving his arms about. "Handcuff myself to her and throw away the key?"
"It can easily be arranged."
The two men locked stares, glaring at each other before one of them broke the tension. Mike leaned forward from behind the chairs Tre and I was sitting in and tried to break up the argument. He didn't want a punch-up performance tonight thank you.
"Come on guys. Let's not fight now k? Stop acting like complete arseholes."
"Leave off Mike." Tre whispered to him, still locking a stare with Billie.
"I DO have other people to see here you know." Billie Joe grunted, curling his lip, booze resting upon it and totally ignoring Mike.
"Maybe, but you've totally blanked her out all fucking night! What is she meant to think?" Tre screamed now, his face screwed up and forming into a snarl. "I was only trying to give her what you can't seem to tonight."
"What I - " Billie Joe repeated furiously. "She's MY fucking date Tre! This has nothing to do with you you little shit."
"Well then start acting like she's your date then arsehole!"
"I'm no one's!" I screamed in between them not being able to take anymore. "Stop arguing!"
It reminded me of my family back at home. Anxiety started to take its toll on me.
"Stop it now, both of you!" Mike yelled above them, snapping, seeing me start to crumble. "This is ridiculous!"
"Well he's the one who started it!" Billie Joe screeched, throwing his fist in the air towards Tre.
In an outrage, he turned around to the table and picked up whatever drink he could find and gulped it down. Relying on alcohol seemed like his only support now. It broke my heart to see him so vulnerable.
"Maybe you should tell him to stop trying to fuck whatsername then Mike." Tre snapped, scowling, turning to Billie. "Cunt."
I shut down. I choked. I screamed inside. Holy fucking crap... I couldn't take this anymore. My eyes darted between both of them. Why had it turned out like this? Tre had taken things too far in saying that. I bit my tongue as it fell silent amongst the four of us. Mike horrifically looked at Tre, then carefully at Billie, who looked down at the floor beaten.
"No wonder why you're having problems with Adrienne." Tre added, lighting a fuse inside of Billie Joe and rising to his feet to stand his level face to face. He laughed. "I'm surprised she hadn't chucked you out ages ago."
Something inside of Billie snapped, causing him to look up at the drummer and stare horrendously. "Take that back bitch."
Tre leaned towards Billie's face, his only a few inches away, whispering in a manipulative manner to him.
"Make me."
Billie Joe turned away but then suddenly swung his fist at the drummer and gripped hold of his jacket. Mike ran in between them and fought Billie Joe off of Tre, scuffling him outside, angry and disgusted with both of their behavior.
"Come on Billie. Outside NOW!"
I watched as Mike desperately shoved Billie Joe away to take him outside, a few people watching before looking away as the pair scuffled past. I looked hesitantly, feeling scared, stunned and lifeless as Tre glared after him, before putting his hand up to his split lip that was now bleeding.
* * * * * * * *
After the fight I had once again made it my mission to find Billie, but he was gone. Gone for good. Not a trace left. It was awful. No words could describe. I know Tre was only trying to protect me, but god, Billie Joe's face... that was worse than anything else in the world. Two men arguing - over me. It didn't make sense.
I suddenly admitted defeat and sighed deeply. I knew that the whole situation had been too good to be true. Billie Joe and I have spent more time apart then together this evening. And that was an unhealthy sign to say the least.
Why had things turned out like this? Tonight could have been so perfect and yet it wasn't. Life was such a bitch sometimes. I suddenly put my fists down on the arms of the chair I was sitting in, grabbing the attention of a quiet Tre.
"I wanna go."
"Go? Where?" He questioned, quirking an eyebrow as both men now turned to face me.
"Back to the hotel I guess. Where else can I go?"
"But why Stef? We haven't even been here long."
"Try telling Billie Joe that." I whispered.
There was an awkward silence between the three of us at the absence of the Green Day front man. Not to mention the big bust up from earlier.
"He's really fucked you up hasn't he?" Mike murmured, scratching the back of his neck and cocking his head to one side in doing so.
I just shrugged my shoulders. I don't know what I thought really. I was just incredibly pissed off with him and Tre. This was meant to be our special night, but it had been totally ruined and destroyed.
Billie Joe was nowhere in sight, I was a mess, Tre had a fat lip and all three band members had a guilty conscience to their evening's previous scuffle. It had been more of a case that Mike and Tre had teamed up against Billie Joe and his drunken state. It was just nasty. It couldn't get any worse. I wanted to get away as fast as I could, and I thought I would never think that. I just wanted to leave.
"Maybe just stick around for a little longer?" Tre pleaded, swivelling around in his chair. "Maybe he'll come back."
But I had had enough. Mike stood behind him, leaning against the table slightly. I looked up at him, tears starting to swell in my tired blood shot eyes. I reconsidered the thought of staying, but I wouldn't last.
"I... I can't... stay... " I stuttered, my heart sinking.
I wanted to stay so much, but what would I do apart from sit around and wait for Billie Joe all night? I hadn't a clue where he had gone. I was both pissed off with him and yet so worried. There could have been the slight chance that something had happened to him. He wasn't in the most stable condition now was he?
"Well, if you don't wanna stay, then we're not stopping you from going back." Mike sighed. "I'm just sorry that things haven't turned out the way we planned."
Nothing HAD been planned in the first place, I had just hoped too much and too high. A relationship with Billie Joe at the moment didn't seem reachable.
I let out a sob and crumbled in my seat, hanging my head low as tears started to form. Tre glanced up at Mike worriedly before reaching out forward and hugging me tight.
"It's ok." he assured. " It'll be ok. I promise."
I tried desperately to draw back my tears as the drummer held onto me.
"I know I promised that you and Billie Joe would be ok, and together, and I know for a fact that he's been a total dipshit to you tonight. But I'm not going to break my promise just yet. He'll... come around. And I'm sorry for upsetting you earlier. I should have thought but... he just makes me angry sometimes. Someone had to say something."
He drew back and wiped away a tear from me.
"Thank you." I whispered, managing to smile bleakly back at him.
He placed his hand on my shoulder and smiled sweetly. I looked up at Mike, who opened up his arms - hinting a hug. I stepped into him and stood wrapped in his arms.
"It will be ok. Don't let Billie Joe get to you too much. He doesn't mean it. He's drunk. But still, I'll break his fucking arms when I see him. Then he'll be screwed."
I let out a weary pity of a laugh.
"I just want to forget about it Mike. I just want to go to sleep. Please don't be too hard on him though. For me?"
"Sure thing." Mike smiled. "I'll call you a taxi."
* * * * * * * *
I said goodbye to the two remaining members of Green Day, both giving them a hug and kiss each, feeling a little awkward towards Tre. They had both been so caring and lovely tonight, I couldn't thank them enough. Even if Tre had made things a little worse. But it was a lot more than what I can say about a certain Mr. Armstrong. Tre stayed behind at the party to stop any raise of suspicion whilst Mike led me out the back where he put me out in a taxi. The press would have shattered me if I had gone out the way we had come in. He paid for me to get back to the hotel and left me hanging onto a few words before the taxi drove off, leaning through the window.
"Don't worry. I won't let Billie Joe forget what he's done tonight."
* * * * * * * *
I slumped into the hotel lobby, wrenched and beaten as anything can be. I glanced up at the clock and saw that it was 3 in the morning. Damn, everything had just gone so quick. Maybe a little too quick, in the sense that it was all a blur still. Why had everything turned out the way they had? All because of one person. One fucking person who we had only come across over a few hours ago. I hated her so much. Yeah, you all know by now that I loathe her. Rachael. God, her name brought shivers down my spine. Just the same as Jimmy did. Man, they'd make a great couple. But then again I would hate to see what their offspring would turn out like.
I caught myself in the long lean mirror in the lobby as I headed towards the staircase. I looked awful, and I mean AWFUL. My eyes were all puffy from the strain of crying so much, bloodshot and glazed over. I looked as if I were about to burst out crying once again - which in way were true. I wanted to.
I leaned against the door and heaved it open, frayling into the staircases. Without any energy left, or any sort of enthusiasm left towards my life, I slowly wandered up to the 8th floor, up to my room. I can't remember how long it took me to get there, but my mind was just bulging from the evening's events. I can't believe that we had nearly made it in the toilet; it was like as if it had never happened to me - but to someone else and I had been watching from a distance. But then I couldn't quite get hold of anything that had happened. Especially the argument that had outraged between Billie Joe and Tre - two best friends. The guitarist and drummer of Green Day. The worst part of it was that they had been arguing over me, I hated to think that if I hadn't been there none of it would have happened. It just made me feel worse. Now come to think of it, it had all happened BECAUSE I was there to start with. Holy fucking shit... I hated myself right now. I had ruined their big night. They were meant to be celebrating; instead they had been fighting over nothing. Because deep down I was nothing.
Nothing but a waste of space.
I reached my room and slumped into the darkness, closing the door behind me. I hesitantly turned the light on, sighing deeply and sitting on the edge of my bed. I slowly took off my heels, feeling sudden relief that I didn't have to walk in them anymore. I probably wouldn't use them again for a very long time - if not ever.
I slipped out of my dress and hung it up from the top of the bathroom door, falling into something loose and comfortable - my jeans, converse and my American Idiot hoody. I leaned back on my bed and lay there motionless, staring at the ceiling thinking. Thinking until my head was sore. Thinking until I could think no more because it hurt so much.
* * * * * * * *
Tre had called Billie a cunt.
It was so unreal, something I never thought I would hear. It was horrible, too horrible to think about. It hurt me to see the people I loved the most fight like they had. It was like a stab at the heart. A heart that was already bleeding and suffering.
But the thing that played on my mind the most was the question of where HAD Billie Joe gone? Where did he disappear to? And was he still there now? With Rachael? Could I have really said too much that I had finally driven him away for good?
It was eating away at me hungrily. Maybe he had gone back to watch the ceremony. It seemed unlikely knowing Billie Joe, but it was a rare possibility.
Or maybe he had just come back to the hotel. Away from it all. There could have been that very slight chance that he was in the same building as me, right now. I heaved myself from off of the bed, deciding to go and see if he had returned early. At least it would ease my mind a bit in the thought that I had tried. I glanced at my clock and I caught back some alertness, sitting up from lying on the bed and hunching over. Glancing at it to the side of me, the red digits from the screen being the only light in the room. 1 and a half hours had passed and it was almost 5 in the morning. The sky brightening up already, a pale blue sky starting to string above us. I fumbled about the bedside table to find my room key, before I shut the door behind me, shoving the key in my pocket and yawning the first breath of the new morning air. I slowly tracked down the dim lit hallway, hoping that he was in his room and hoping that we could work things else. And most of all, hoping that he would forgive me. I glided down the stairs, the thought that Billie Joe might already be back at the hotel filling my mind.
He DID have that room to himself now, now that Tre and Mike were staying some place else. I still hadn't thought to ask them where yet. Maybe it was just as well that Tre and Billie were separated tonight though after their little bust up. I wandered down to the 4th floor, approaching down the hall and towards his room. My heartbeat picked up a little, anxious and filled with anticipation. I hadn't thought about what I was going to say to him if he were there. Holy Jesus - everything was so confusing right now. I stood outside his door momentarily, sighing deeply as I stared at it. Hands shoved in jean pockets as far as they were allowed to go, hoody slumped largely over my figure, eyeliner smudged and hair still in place from the show, I looked as wicked as anything. I put my tightened fist in front of the door, hesitating and pausing before I rasped against it with my knuckles. I clenched my eyes shut for a few seconds as I knocked, shifting my feet slightly in a nervous state. I glanced up and down the hallway a few times, checking nobody was watching and wondering whether I should knock again. I stood; waiting, waiting and waiting. Maybe I had hoped too much in the thought that he could be here. It seemed to be more of a solution in my mind than anything. Something I had been wishing to happen - believing that it were to be true.
Just when I was about to give up all hope and chance, I heard the door slowly unlock from behind. I snapped my head up, enlightened at the sound to see the door creek open slightly. And there, through the darkness of the room, I saw Billie Joe's eyes sneak through the gap. The door opened a little more, my heart beating and my eyes widening. He looked drained of all life, pale, scary looking and stunned to see me standing there on the other side of the door.
"Erm... hey." I grumbled, looking sheepishly to the side away.
"Hey." He awkwardly replied whispering, still holding the door half closed firmly so I couldn't see much past him.
"Can - ... can I come in?" I managed to say, feeling incredibly guilty. "We need to - umm... I mean... I need to tell you something. Speak to you."
It was me who had run off earlier in the hysterics, so rightfully it should be me who apologizes.
"Erm... " he gritted through his teeth forcefully, returning to speak firmly. "Now's not a good time."
The little light that he let escape into the room fell upon his dark figure, a strip of it falling down his face. His eyes were bloodshot; errantly a light shade of red, watery and piercing.
I looked at him, hesitating.
"Why's not a good time?" I asked. "Any other time I'm allowed in."
Ok, I sounded as if I was complaining, winging, and forceful upon him, but I was so frustrated. If I didn't say sorry to him now then I'd find it harder to do later on.
"I'm... ummm,... " he stammered. "I'm just tired and erm... and I don't feel too good."
I wasn't surprised after the amount he had been drinking throughout the evening.
"Oh... "
I suddenly felt a little guilty. Shit... he didn't look that good either. Why didn't I ever think about what he wanted? I wanted to hug him so much, hold him tight and kiss him better, but I couldn't. It wouldn't work and it would make things more complicated than they already were. I didn't want to play with his mind and make out as if nothing had happened. Because that seemed like the perfect way in which to do it.
"Well, I'll... um... speak to you tomorrow then, yeah?" I shuttered, not knowing really what to say.
"Erm yeah sure" He quickly replied, eager to shut the door.
"Well get better soon" I restrained myself from blurting out everything, and how I had fucked everything up, and how much I hated denying anything between us. He nodded briskly; he went to shut the door when paranoia hit me. Something inside telling me that something wasn't right.
"Wait," he opened the door a little again.
"Are you SURE you're ok?" He opened his mouth to answer me, when someone else's voice rang out from his room.
"Oh Billie Joe... "
I paused, blinking, taking the voice into account, my breath cut short from me.
"What... " I cried to myself, eyes widening and frowning.
I edged towards his door, looking past him from standing in the hallway on tiptoes and into his room as much as he tried to stop me. I saw a figure in his room, tall, dark and perfectly sculptured. Rachael sat on the edge of what had been Mike's bed, wearing only lacy underwear and facing Billie Joe's bed. I shot a look at Billie, shocked, horrified, stunned, sickened and numb. I staggered back against the wall opposite the door, as if someone had thrown a brick at me and it had knocked me flying. My heart seemed to have stopped beating, tightening and a lump arising in my throat. I stared a gawp, wide eyed at Billie as if I had been paralyzed. He looked behind his shoulder slightly again, then down at the floor, then me. His eyes were filled with terror, just like mine. Terror of the unknown. He stood there staring at me, the door still ajar and her figure lurking in the background. I started to shake inside, screaming, slowly dying. But I could not bring myself to physically cry- this was far beyond sanity, I couldn't do it. It was just too hurtful and painful to produce tears or any kind of reaction. I was too stunned, paralyzed, shocked and terrified to show any emotion. I was neutral - nothing.
I slowly shifted my foot to the side, not being able to take my eyes off him. Moving seemed too painful at the moment, but there was this some fascination behind it all, just staring and taking it all in. It was hard to breathe, staring at the man I love, knowing that he was with another woman, and it wasn't even his wife. I swallowed harshly, wanting to cough up everything I had ever owned inside of me. I didn't want to feel right now - it hurt too much. My vision tightened as I fixated, continued to stare horrifically at him. He couldn't bring himself to say anything. He stood there, holding the door still, looking at me, mouth hung open a little. Taking in every movement and breath I took, crumbling and falling to pieces in front of him. I shuffled a little down the wall, not taking away the eye contact, staring into the eyes that he always amazed me with. Those loving eyes that assured me every time and made me melt inside. My mind filled with the image of us in the toilet, passionately kissing - as I was suddenly replaced by Rachael. The video played over and over in my mind, driving me to insanity and wanting to crawl into a corner and die. I took one final long hard stare at him, taking him into account, before starting to shake from the pain, hurt, anger and darkness that I were feeling right now.
And then I did what I always did best - run.
