A Note Don't Come Easy, chapter 28
I ran with all the strength I had left surfacing within me. I sprinted down the hallway, not looking back and my heart racing. My throat felt under pressure, again finding it hard to breathe.
"Stef!" I heard Billie Joe croak after me, but it sounded more of something of in the background as I literally threw myself through the doors to the staircases. Running down them, I would look up every now and again, to see if he were following me. I didn't want him to. My immense gasps for air echoed the staircases, as silence from the early morning was still present. I ran out of the stairs as I reached the bottom floor, letting out a sob as I threw myself against the door to open it. I ran through the lobby, hearing the door slam behind me and not caring if anyone saw me. Only a few people were around, the receptionists and a couple of travellers checking in. My feet plundered against the polished stone floor, echoing around the pillars that surrounded me and supported the lobby ceiling.
I ran through and out of the main entrance glass doors, passing 2 or 3 more people as I went. They watched me in surprise as I ran past, almost knocking them, unable to breathe anymore. I leapt down the giant concrete steps, taking 2 or 3 at a time. The sky was now a light pale blue, sunshine falling upon the city as the new day began. The fresh air of the morning cut me short, hitting me and entering my lungs as I sprinted outside. I didn't know where I was going, I wasn't even thinking about that right now. But what I did know was that I had to get away, as far as possible. I headed out into the boulevard direct in front of the hotel and started down the steps. A shrilling cry rang out above me, across the boulevard and parking lot, and down below.
"Stef!" Billie Joe screamed from the top of his lungs, air catching him short of voice too. "Stef!"
He roared out, calling me from standing on his balcony, hunched over the railing and watching me run for my life below. I didn't stop. I just kept on running. Running and running until I felt like I could not run anymore.
I screeched around the corner, out of sight and from the hotel and ran right down the middle of the road, the buildings and tall skyscrapers casting shadow over me. I sprinted down the road as fast as I could, my heart beating quicker than it ever had before. I just kept running forever, never knowing where I was going to end up. People passing by on their way to work down the sidewalk watched me pass, as I ran down the road and never stopping for anything.
Billie was with her. Billie was with her. She was hardly wearing anything. Nothing at all. Only underwear. She had undressed. Or had Billie Joe done that for her? They had been alone, together. The horrific images of them together alone in that bedroom played over and over in my mind, turning me inside out.
Well, I had got what I wanted. I managed to find Billie Joe. I wish I had never gone down to his room now. It would have been better not to know. No wonder why he had been so reluctant in letting me into his room or to stand and talk with me. I slowed down after 15 minutes of running and started to walk down the sidewalk, not having a clue where I was. I felt so lost, in sense of place and belonging. Both in location and in myself and where I stood in this world. At the moment I stood nowhere.
I belonged to nothing and nobody.
I shoved my hands in my pockets, before proceeding to wrap my arms instead around me tightly, wanting some security and for someone to hold me tight and love me. I only had myself now - I was alone. I seemed like everybody was out to get me. Jimmy, my family, Rachael, and now Billie Joe. The person I had put all my heart, soul and trust in. The feeling of knowing that I would probably never hold Billie's hand again was somewhat dark and empty. Hug him even, or kiss him. I couldn't even touch him.
I walked down the boulevard, awestruck still, arms folded around me as I staggered amongst other people heading off in different directions and into various buildings. I brushed past them, wasting into nothing - A nobody.
My heart had died with the relationship I had worked so hard to build with Billie Joe. It was torn up, ripped in two, and bleeding forever in pain and absolute agony. I wandered down a sidewalk, passing several blocks of apartments blocked together as I did.
"Summer has come and past/The innocent can never last/Wake me up when September ends/Like my father's come to past/20 years has gone so fast/Wake me up when September ends."
The ending verse to Wake Me Up When September Ends rang out above from in the block of apartments somewhere, racketing in between the buildings.
"Wake me up when September Ends/Wake me up when September E-n-d-s."
I stood mid-walk, slowly turning to face the apartments and looking up to see where the music was coming from and to listen more. I hadn't listened to any of my Green Day CD's for a long time. It felt weird to when I lived with the band.
But I knew that those days were gone and things could never go back to how they used to be. They could never be the same again. As I stood there, fighting back the darkness inside of me, I suddenly realised that I had nothing left to live for. The music stopped, only to be replaced by a live version of Boulevard of Broken dreams. The beginning of the track ejaculated between the apartments like previously, the guitar riff ringing out like a bell on a boat. Music so familiar to my ears. I listened as the crowd of fans featured upon the track joining in with the lyrical side and accompanying Billie Joe. The haunting voice of Billie made shivers down my spine and taunted myself inside. The lyrics played upon me like a drumstick, taunting me again and punishing me severely.
"I walk a lonely road/The only one that I have ever know/Don't know where it goes/But it's only me and I walk alone."
It haunted me inside in the way that it was intimidating. I could not escape Billie Joe - no matter what did or how hard I tried. It felt as if he were following me, whispering constantly in my ear and reminding me that I was walking alone.
"I walk this empty street/On the boulevard of broken dreams/Where the city sleeps and I'm the only one and I walk alone."
The crowd sang along with him, torturing me even more. It was like he was telling me that I were nothing, empty and I were forever to be walking alone, and he had an army behind him backing him up and helping him. Over a thousand different voices pulsating through my mind, repeating over and over again that I were nothing. It ripped me up inside, turning me mad inside and wanting all these mind games to stop right here and right now.
I chocked back my bitter tears, slowly turning back to continue walking as the song still failed to leave me alone.
And then that's when I finally broke down, crumbling into a heap in the middle of the sidewalk on the ground. I couldn't take it anymore. I let out a loud shrilling sob, giving way and crouched down in the middle of everything. Tears plundering down my face, sour and painful as the deed upon my skin, I looked up into the sky, wondering what the hell was going on. I looked up for an answer, a solution, a sign - but nothing came.
I stared at the concrete slabs as I broke into hysterics, letting the pain seep from my stinging eyes and having no control over myself. I finally managed to pluck up the courage to stand up, not being able to retaliate the sound of Green Day anymore and started to walk again. But I broke out into a sudden sprint and once again ran away. Ran away from Billie Joe and his army, and from any sense of reality and humanity.
I ran until I snook down an alleyway, fed up with people staring at me and hating those eyes of theirs looking me over as if I were a piece of shit. I clambered past the alley bins and various pieces of trash scattered about, wanting to hide away. No light had been able to escape here thanks to the building being built so close together. I slammed my tired and aching body against the wall, leaning on it and catching my breath, choking back as virtual darkness covered me. I looked up the gully and at the sky between the two buildings.
"Well wouldn't 'ya know... " I voice husked from somewhere inside the blackened alley.
I pricked my head up from the wall and looked down the gutter hole, listening out and trying to detect where the voice had come from.
"We just keep bumping into one another don't we Stef? It must be fate. Next thing you'll know we'll be having sex."
I looked down, stunned as I saw the slumpish figure of Jimmy crouched down against the wall. A joint lay rolled in his easily skilled figures, carefully conducted. I scowled madly, rage building from the bottom of my stomach.
"Fuck off Jimmy. I'm not in the mood." I yelled at him, managing to control the urge inside of me wanting to beat him to a pulp.
"You're never in the mood." He replied coldly. "You're always depressed easily these days."
I curled my lip, biting my tongue before tightly clenching my teeth tightly together and looking away. Scuffling my shoes against the rumbled ground, he sighed in proceeding to continue.
"What's the matter with 'ya? Lover boy got bored and hanged you to screw some other bird?" He joked, laughing wickedly to himself as he rolled his joint.
I blinked from the tears that were still surfacing and collecting up in my eyes again. He had no fucking idea. If only he could understand or feel my hurt, pain and misery. I lifted myself from off of the wall and went to walk out of the alley and leave him to step back into the light; fighting back the dark pleasure of knowing that I could finish him off easily here and now. I had the rare will power to do it. There was a crowbar propped up against the wall opposite me next to a bin. I could easily grab hold of it and smack a blow over his head, ridding him of me once and for all. But I knew it wasn't me deep down.
I hung my head as I strode down the alley, wanting to leave him as only a part of my dead past.
"He's not worth your effort." He called out at me, stopping me dead in my tracks.
I knew instantly that he was talking about Billie Joe. The Billie Joe I had ran away from, and had fallen apart over.
With my back still turned to him, I stooped my head to the side to catch up on his words and face the consequences in standing there to listen to him harsh up about the relationship we once had.
"I knew you two were a fucked up pair when I saw you together in the parking lot holding hands. You were vulnerable and stupid while he was a killer and a man whore."
I clicked my jaw to the side, gawping at nothing as I took in his words.
He was a killer and a man whore. HE WAS A KILLER AND A MAN WHORE.
I tightened my fists so much that they turned horribly white. How dare he call Billie Joe a man whore. As much as I felt bitter and hatred in a love's sense towards him, I still cared about him an awful lot. I loved him more than anything in this world, and that's what hurt so much. I scowled at him, wanting to change the subject and forget about what I had just heard because right now the pain was too much to take.
"What are you doing down here anyway?" I growled at him, shuffling my feet against the gravel, wanting to run again.
"Mum and my step-dad are arguing." He mumbled to me. "Again."
"Toni and Igor... ?" I asked, turning to face him but anger still raging and fists still clenched together.
He let out a bitter loud laugh, cackling wickedly.
"Igor?!" He spluttered as he burst into another manipulating laugh.
He laughed as I stared at him, frowning and wondering what the hell was so funny. I had always had the impression that those two were together, Billie Joe had assumed so too. But Billie Joe wasn't the person to trust right now was he?
"Jeeze, you really are fucked in that head of yours."
And who was to blame for that?
"You really know how to make a fool of yourself don't you?" He added, smirking.
Still crouched down against the wall amongst the trash that lay scattered across the ground, he carried on to explain more when I didn't reply.
"Nah, Igor's my uncle."
Igor was his uncle?! Bloody hell... I would never have guessed. Toni and Igor had acted like a married couple at the auditions.
"Mum's at home, arguing with Brad." He sighed, hitting his head on the wall as he slumped further back. "He's a bastard. I hate him. Step-dad or not. He still made things worse."
In shock, I looked at him hard for a while, realising how much he seemed like me. And it was scary. Rival enemies we were - still seemingly stuck in the same situation and trapped.
"I knew that he was a swine when I first met him, but I didn't say anything because I knew mum was in love with him and he made her happy."
There was a long awkward silence that fell upon the alley. Dead and still as much as the souls standing inside of it. Alone, afraid and rejected. It was exactly how I felt when it came to my mum and Tom. I had thought that I was being awkward and that I just had to get used to the fact that I now had a 'replacement dad.'
"Igor just helps me out a lot. He's more like a dad to me than anyone. He lived with us until Brad drove him out."
Tom had driven me out. Why the hell was he telling me all of this? If it was sympathy that he wanted then he could think again. I was not the person to ask at the moment. I think if he did I would do something serious to him that would make him ever regret that he opened his stupid gob.
"Sometimes I just want to get away from it all. Escape. That's why I come here." He added, taking a suck from his joint and savouring it in his lungs before exhaling.
"My private womb/Whilst the mom's and Brad's are away."
"So you come here and smoke yourself to a waste?" I criticized, narrowing my eyes at him.
"Sweet FA."
I looked at him, watching himself waste himself into nothing. I felt a tiny bit of remorse for him, saddened at how people's lives can be ruined and messed with at such a young age. And how each little thing mattered, effected and shaped the person who we become.
"Physical pain," he huffed after sucking on his poisonous stick once again, "Is more bearable then mental Stef."
He was scaring the absolute hell out of me, to my wit's end. Was he reading my mind? Here we were, standing only a couple of metres away from each other, but yet we were enemies who hated one another's guts so much. So much that we played against each other. Here he was, the person who had torn me apart, insulted Tre, plundered Billie Joe into a period of depression and had tricked us all with his cyaniding tricks and games. And yet we were standing here, talking and neither of us had laid a finger upon the other - both feeling the same bitterness towards our stepparents.
"So you smoke to take away the pain? ... pfft." I remarked, rolling my eyes and curling my lip as I looked away in disgust.
"That's what I said." He replied, furrowing his brow and starting to rock himself backwards and forwards. "When I feel like shit or shit is happening, I come here, and just smoke everything away. It works better that way. It takes away all the hurt inside and then I don't feel so bad. Its better then listening to them argue at home. I can't take the screaming and the destruction anymore. But this, I can cope with this."
By now he had started to rock backwards and forwards harshly against the wall, turning slightly mad. I felt suddenly sick, because it was like watching myself. But in a way he was right. Physical pain was more stand able then mental. I knew. I had had enough mental agony to last me a lifetime.
A lifetime. A lifetime.
I had lived my life. There was nothing left now. I had been finished with through and through. I had served my time here, now felt like as if it was the right time to go.
"You want a drag?" he asked, putting his hand towards me, offering me to smoke some of the joint.
It was tempting. I looked at the folded drug in his fingers, then at him one last time before I turned on my heels and ran off back down the alleyway knowing I couldn't let myself go soft on him. He was reminding me of my past, and re-living it.
Holy shit... .holy shit.
I ran and ran again until I reached the bay, unable to control myself anymore. I stopped suddenly and leaned over the rail and threw my guts up into the murky water below. Never stopping and never caring.
* * * * * * * *
I felt so sick, sick to the bottom. And it hurt. I didn't know whether it was just from shock and agony, or whether there was something actually wrong with me. I had been sick 3 times now, trying to cough up everything inside of me and rid of it, trying to free myself from the pain of knowing that Billie Joe had taken Rachael back to his room and was with her. But no matter what I did, nothing seemed to work or help in the slightest. It just made me feel worse and want to do it even more and try again. It was like the devil was inside of me. If this is what 'love sick' felt like then I never wanted to love again in my entire life. I wondered across the heavily built bridge that linked the parts of the city over the crystal river, just wondering for miles over distances that I never knew the likes of.
Everything seemed so dark and empty right now, even the sun couldn't bring light into me. My life and soul had gone. My life and soul being Billie Joe.
Now I felt as if I had nothing left; nothing that supported me anymore. Before I had my dreams and hopes still being kept alive, as well as Green Day and their music to keep me going. But now even all of that had been cruelly snatched away from me. I couldn't even have the chance to dream now. And the exploits of listening to Green ay were just a constant reminder and sickened me.
I felt a tiny bit sorry for myself, but I should have seen it coming. However, it was nothing compared to the knowing of how stupid I had been. Stupid to fall for Billie Joe in the first place. Stupid for thinking that I could ever have a relationship with him. Stupid enough to fall in love with the Green Day front man who already had a family of his own. I was stupid. Stupid all over.
I didn't have the same hope inside of me anymore, and I didn't think I ever would again. Even before when things had been bad I still found hope in that one day someone would find me and take me in. Billie Joe had proved that and shown me that things could change for better. He had given me a new start and loved me like I had never been loved before. But now that was gone, I had nothing left. Nothing at all. Only the clothes on my back, a little bit of money as well as the tears and the memories - good and bad. I didn't want to suffer anymore.
I stopped walking and turned to face the river and the start of the bay that lead out to the sea, overlooking it. The light from the sun lay across the water, the cars racing past behind me across the bridge and turning into a blur. I stood there, thinking about how easy it was to end it all here and now. All I had to do was climb over the rail and let myself fall. I slowly propped my foot up against the rail, tightening a grip around the upper bar and ready to throw myself over the edge and plunder into the unknown. Surprisingly, it all seemed so easy. I bit my lip as I stared down into the mass of water, knowing that it would all be over in a matter of seconds. I gulped down harshly, and leant forward. I imagined myself falling down below into the water, but scared myself so much that I let go and fell backwards back onto the sidewalk by the bridge. I got up and wide eyed, stared at where I had just been swinging. I couldn't kill myself like that, a slow death. I had to do it quickly and painful. Like Jimmy had said - physical pain took over the mental agony. But I didn't think about that right now. There was something I had to do first. One last task and then I was ready to go.
* * * * * * * *
I brisked along as I crossed the boulevard and entered a shabby looking off-licensed tattoo bar, slipping in through the door and closing it behind me. I slumped towards the counter, the man behind it looking me over carefully with his beading black eyes, adopting several harsh looking tattoos and piercings himself. The room was almost pitch black as the dark walls only reflected light that shone from the lamp above the chair.
"Erm... I'd like a tattoo please." Croaked, not looking up at him, my face drained and black dark circles around my eyes.
He looked at me suspiciously, before pushing across the desk at me the catalogue and returning to his magazine. I timidly took a glance at him before opening the book to search for the right type. After a few minutes of looking I turned my head up to face him.
"Erm... I... can't I just have a name?" I mumbled, shoving hands into the front pocket of my hoody that was falling apart.
He annoyingly grabbed hold of the book in front of me and put it away, looking me over again from the tops of his eyes.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah," I replied. "I want it to say this... "
I grabbed hold of one of the business cards from top of the pile, flipping it over and scribbling something on the back of it; passing it to him across the glass counter for him to look at.
* * * * * * * *
I staggered out of the parlour an hour later, $80 shorter than what I had been before and feeling slightly drowsy. I didn't care about the money anymore. I knew I should have saved it for food and things, but I didn't need money anymore. I'd soon be gone so it wouldn't be important. At least I had done something worthwhile with it whilst I still could. I wandered down the boulevard, not looking where I was going and focusing on the pain that was throbbing on the top of my right arm. Jimmy was right. It was so much easier to cope with physical pain then mental. I could cope with this. I looked up to suddenly stop at the sight of the local bar standing in front of me. The one Billie Joe had dragged me to after I had lost the final. It haunted me through out, making me want to faint. And now I was standing in the same parking lot that Jimmy and Toni had torn us apart in, standing on the exact same ground that Tre had fought Jimmy on. The same space where I had crumbled in Billie's arms and where we had both cried our eyes out. The same place where Billie Joe told me that he loved me. I had been an arse to believe it, but it seemed comforting and I knew that deep down he must love me. He must love me still. He must do. He had to. I lifted up the sleeve to my jumper and revealed a patch on my arm where a white plaster cover stuck over me. I slowly peeled it off, even though I knew I shouldn't yet, and threw it on the floor. A jet-black scribing of 'Billie Joe' lay across my skin, still red around the outside on the skin. I smiled. Now I had his mark on me. Now I had proof that he had once been mine. I was mad to have it done, and that's what I was - mad. I was stupidity all over. In everything to do with Billie Joe and the rest of Green Day. But it made me feel better. If I couldn't have him, then I had this mark on my arm to remind me of everything that had happened and that he did once love me. I was now ready to leave everything behind, and I was going to take the name Billie Joe down with me.
And then I laughed. Laughed because I could not cry anymore. Laughed because I had finally gone insane.
I was laughing at myself.
"Stef!" I heard Billie Joe croak after me, but it sounded more of something of in the background as I literally threw myself through the doors to the staircases. Running down them, I would look up every now and again, to see if he were following me. I didn't want him to. My immense gasps for air echoed the staircases, as silence from the early morning was still present. I ran out of the stairs as I reached the bottom floor, letting out a sob as I threw myself against the door to open it. I ran through the lobby, hearing the door slam behind me and not caring if anyone saw me. Only a few people were around, the receptionists and a couple of travellers checking in. My feet plundered against the polished stone floor, echoing around the pillars that surrounded me and supported the lobby ceiling.
I ran through and out of the main entrance glass doors, passing 2 or 3 more people as I went. They watched me in surprise as I ran past, almost knocking them, unable to breathe anymore. I leapt down the giant concrete steps, taking 2 or 3 at a time. The sky was now a light pale blue, sunshine falling upon the city as the new day began. The fresh air of the morning cut me short, hitting me and entering my lungs as I sprinted outside. I didn't know where I was going, I wasn't even thinking about that right now. But what I did know was that I had to get away, as far as possible. I headed out into the boulevard direct in front of the hotel and started down the steps. A shrilling cry rang out above me, across the boulevard and parking lot, and down below.
"Stef!" Billie Joe screamed from the top of his lungs, air catching him short of voice too. "Stef!"
He roared out, calling me from standing on his balcony, hunched over the railing and watching me run for my life below. I didn't stop. I just kept on running. Running and running until I felt like I could not run anymore.
I screeched around the corner, out of sight and from the hotel and ran right down the middle of the road, the buildings and tall skyscrapers casting shadow over me. I sprinted down the road as fast as I could, my heart beating quicker than it ever had before. I just kept running forever, never knowing where I was going to end up. People passing by on their way to work down the sidewalk watched me pass, as I ran down the road and never stopping for anything.
Billie was with her. Billie was with her. She was hardly wearing anything. Nothing at all. Only underwear. She had undressed. Or had Billie Joe done that for her? They had been alone, together. The horrific images of them together alone in that bedroom played over and over in my mind, turning me inside out.
Well, I had got what I wanted. I managed to find Billie Joe. I wish I had never gone down to his room now. It would have been better not to know. No wonder why he had been so reluctant in letting me into his room or to stand and talk with me. I slowed down after 15 minutes of running and started to walk down the sidewalk, not having a clue where I was. I felt so lost, in sense of place and belonging. Both in location and in myself and where I stood in this world. At the moment I stood nowhere.
I belonged to nothing and nobody.
I shoved my hands in my pockets, before proceeding to wrap my arms instead around me tightly, wanting some security and for someone to hold me tight and love me. I only had myself now - I was alone. I seemed like everybody was out to get me. Jimmy, my family, Rachael, and now Billie Joe. The person I had put all my heart, soul and trust in. The feeling of knowing that I would probably never hold Billie's hand again was somewhat dark and empty. Hug him even, or kiss him. I couldn't even touch him.
I walked down the boulevard, awestruck still, arms folded around me as I staggered amongst other people heading off in different directions and into various buildings. I brushed past them, wasting into nothing - A nobody.
My heart had died with the relationship I had worked so hard to build with Billie Joe. It was torn up, ripped in two, and bleeding forever in pain and absolute agony. I wandered down a sidewalk, passing several blocks of apartments blocked together as I did.
"Summer has come and past/The innocent can never last/Wake me up when September ends/Like my father's come to past/20 years has gone so fast/Wake me up when September ends."
The ending verse to Wake Me Up When September Ends rang out above from in the block of apartments somewhere, racketing in between the buildings.
"Wake me up when September Ends/Wake me up when September E-n-d-s."
I stood mid-walk, slowly turning to face the apartments and looking up to see where the music was coming from and to listen more. I hadn't listened to any of my Green Day CD's for a long time. It felt weird to when I lived with the band.
But I knew that those days were gone and things could never go back to how they used to be. They could never be the same again. As I stood there, fighting back the darkness inside of me, I suddenly realised that I had nothing left to live for. The music stopped, only to be replaced by a live version of Boulevard of Broken dreams. The beginning of the track ejaculated between the apartments like previously, the guitar riff ringing out like a bell on a boat. Music so familiar to my ears. I listened as the crowd of fans featured upon the track joining in with the lyrical side and accompanying Billie Joe. The haunting voice of Billie made shivers down my spine and taunted myself inside. The lyrics played upon me like a drumstick, taunting me again and punishing me severely.
"I walk a lonely road/The only one that I have ever know/Don't know where it goes/But it's only me and I walk alone."
It haunted me inside in the way that it was intimidating. I could not escape Billie Joe - no matter what did or how hard I tried. It felt as if he were following me, whispering constantly in my ear and reminding me that I was walking alone.
"I walk this empty street/On the boulevard of broken dreams/Where the city sleeps and I'm the only one and I walk alone."
The crowd sang along with him, torturing me even more. It was like he was telling me that I were nothing, empty and I were forever to be walking alone, and he had an army behind him backing him up and helping him. Over a thousand different voices pulsating through my mind, repeating over and over again that I were nothing. It ripped me up inside, turning me mad inside and wanting all these mind games to stop right here and right now.
I chocked back my bitter tears, slowly turning back to continue walking as the song still failed to leave me alone.
And then that's when I finally broke down, crumbling into a heap in the middle of the sidewalk on the ground. I couldn't take it anymore. I let out a loud shrilling sob, giving way and crouched down in the middle of everything. Tears plundering down my face, sour and painful as the deed upon my skin, I looked up into the sky, wondering what the hell was going on. I looked up for an answer, a solution, a sign - but nothing came.
I stared at the concrete slabs as I broke into hysterics, letting the pain seep from my stinging eyes and having no control over myself. I finally managed to pluck up the courage to stand up, not being able to retaliate the sound of Green Day anymore and started to walk again. But I broke out into a sudden sprint and once again ran away. Ran away from Billie Joe and his army, and from any sense of reality and humanity.
I ran until I snook down an alleyway, fed up with people staring at me and hating those eyes of theirs looking me over as if I were a piece of shit. I clambered past the alley bins and various pieces of trash scattered about, wanting to hide away. No light had been able to escape here thanks to the building being built so close together. I slammed my tired and aching body against the wall, leaning on it and catching my breath, choking back as virtual darkness covered me. I looked up the gully and at the sky between the two buildings.
"Well wouldn't 'ya know... " I voice husked from somewhere inside the blackened alley.
I pricked my head up from the wall and looked down the gutter hole, listening out and trying to detect where the voice had come from.
"We just keep bumping into one another don't we Stef? It must be fate. Next thing you'll know we'll be having sex."
I looked down, stunned as I saw the slumpish figure of Jimmy crouched down against the wall. A joint lay rolled in his easily skilled figures, carefully conducted. I scowled madly, rage building from the bottom of my stomach.
"Fuck off Jimmy. I'm not in the mood." I yelled at him, managing to control the urge inside of me wanting to beat him to a pulp.
"You're never in the mood." He replied coldly. "You're always depressed easily these days."
I curled my lip, biting my tongue before tightly clenching my teeth tightly together and looking away. Scuffling my shoes against the rumbled ground, he sighed in proceeding to continue.
"What's the matter with 'ya? Lover boy got bored and hanged you to screw some other bird?" He joked, laughing wickedly to himself as he rolled his joint.
I blinked from the tears that were still surfacing and collecting up in my eyes again. He had no fucking idea. If only he could understand or feel my hurt, pain and misery. I lifted myself from off of the wall and went to walk out of the alley and leave him to step back into the light; fighting back the dark pleasure of knowing that I could finish him off easily here and now. I had the rare will power to do it. There was a crowbar propped up against the wall opposite me next to a bin. I could easily grab hold of it and smack a blow over his head, ridding him of me once and for all. But I knew it wasn't me deep down.
I hung my head as I strode down the alley, wanting to leave him as only a part of my dead past.
"He's not worth your effort." He called out at me, stopping me dead in my tracks.
I knew instantly that he was talking about Billie Joe. The Billie Joe I had ran away from, and had fallen apart over.
With my back still turned to him, I stooped my head to the side to catch up on his words and face the consequences in standing there to listen to him harsh up about the relationship we once had.
"I knew you two were a fucked up pair when I saw you together in the parking lot holding hands. You were vulnerable and stupid while he was a killer and a man whore."
I clicked my jaw to the side, gawping at nothing as I took in his words.
He was a killer and a man whore. HE WAS A KILLER AND A MAN WHORE.
I tightened my fists so much that they turned horribly white. How dare he call Billie Joe a man whore. As much as I felt bitter and hatred in a love's sense towards him, I still cared about him an awful lot. I loved him more than anything in this world, and that's what hurt so much. I scowled at him, wanting to change the subject and forget about what I had just heard because right now the pain was too much to take.
"What are you doing down here anyway?" I growled at him, shuffling my feet against the gravel, wanting to run again.
"Mum and my step-dad are arguing." He mumbled to me. "Again."
"Toni and Igor... ?" I asked, turning to face him but anger still raging and fists still clenched together.
He let out a bitter loud laugh, cackling wickedly.
"Igor?!" He spluttered as he burst into another manipulating laugh.
He laughed as I stared at him, frowning and wondering what the hell was so funny. I had always had the impression that those two were together, Billie Joe had assumed so too. But Billie Joe wasn't the person to trust right now was he?
"Jeeze, you really are fucked in that head of yours."
And who was to blame for that?
"You really know how to make a fool of yourself don't you?" He added, smirking.
Still crouched down against the wall amongst the trash that lay scattered across the ground, he carried on to explain more when I didn't reply.
"Nah, Igor's my uncle."
Igor was his uncle?! Bloody hell... I would never have guessed. Toni and Igor had acted like a married couple at the auditions.
"Mum's at home, arguing with Brad." He sighed, hitting his head on the wall as he slumped further back. "He's a bastard. I hate him. Step-dad or not. He still made things worse."
In shock, I looked at him hard for a while, realising how much he seemed like me. And it was scary. Rival enemies we were - still seemingly stuck in the same situation and trapped.
"I knew that he was a swine when I first met him, but I didn't say anything because I knew mum was in love with him and he made her happy."
There was a long awkward silence that fell upon the alley. Dead and still as much as the souls standing inside of it. Alone, afraid and rejected. It was exactly how I felt when it came to my mum and Tom. I had thought that I was being awkward and that I just had to get used to the fact that I now had a 'replacement dad.'
"Igor just helps me out a lot. He's more like a dad to me than anyone. He lived with us until Brad drove him out."
Tom had driven me out. Why the hell was he telling me all of this? If it was sympathy that he wanted then he could think again. I was not the person to ask at the moment. I think if he did I would do something serious to him that would make him ever regret that he opened his stupid gob.
"Sometimes I just want to get away from it all. Escape. That's why I come here." He added, taking a suck from his joint and savouring it in his lungs before exhaling.
"My private womb/Whilst the mom's and Brad's are away."
"So you come here and smoke yourself to a waste?" I criticized, narrowing my eyes at him.
"Sweet FA."
I looked at him, watching himself waste himself into nothing. I felt a tiny bit of remorse for him, saddened at how people's lives can be ruined and messed with at such a young age. And how each little thing mattered, effected and shaped the person who we become.
"Physical pain," he huffed after sucking on his poisonous stick once again, "Is more bearable then mental Stef."
He was scaring the absolute hell out of me, to my wit's end. Was he reading my mind? Here we were, standing only a couple of metres away from each other, but yet we were enemies who hated one another's guts so much. So much that we played against each other. Here he was, the person who had torn me apart, insulted Tre, plundered Billie Joe into a period of depression and had tricked us all with his cyaniding tricks and games. And yet we were standing here, talking and neither of us had laid a finger upon the other - both feeling the same bitterness towards our stepparents.
"So you smoke to take away the pain? ... pfft." I remarked, rolling my eyes and curling my lip as I looked away in disgust.
"That's what I said." He replied, furrowing his brow and starting to rock himself backwards and forwards. "When I feel like shit or shit is happening, I come here, and just smoke everything away. It works better that way. It takes away all the hurt inside and then I don't feel so bad. Its better then listening to them argue at home. I can't take the screaming and the destruction anymore. But this, I can cope with this."
By now he had started to rock backwards and forwards harshly against the wall, turning slightly mad. I felt suddenly sick, because it was like watching myself. But in a way he was right. Physical pain was more stand able then mental. I knew. I had had enough mental agony to last me a lifetime.
A lifetime. A lifetime.
I had lived my life. There was nothing left now. I had been finished with through and through. I had served my time here, now felt like as if it was the right time to go.
"You want a drag?" he asked, putting his hand towards me, offering me to smoke some of the joint.
It was tempting. I looked at the folded drug in his fingers, then at him one last time before I turned on my heels and ran off back down the alleyway knowing I couldn't let myself go soft on him. He was reminding me of my past, and re-living it.
Holy shit... .holy shit.
I ran and ran again until I reached the bay, unable to control myself anymore. I stopped suddenly and leaned over the rail and threw my guts up into the murky water below. Never stopping and never caring.
* * * * * * * *
I felt so sick, sick to the bottom. And it hurt. I didn't know whether it was just from shock and agony, or whether there was something actually wrong with me. I had been sick 3 times now, trying to cough up everything inside of me and rid of it, trying to free myself from the pain of knowing that Billie Joe had taken Rachael back to his room and was with her. But no matter what I did, nothing seemed to work or help in the slightest. It just made me feel worse and want to do it even more and try again. It was like the devil was inside of me. If this is what 'love sick' felt like then I never wanted to love again in my entire life. I wondered across the heavily built bridge that linked the parts of the city over the crystal river, just wondering for miles over distances that I never knew the likes of.
Everything seemed so dark and empty right now, even the sun couldn't bring light into me. My life and soul had gone. My life and soul being Billie Joe.
Now I felt as if I had nothing left; nothing that supported me anymore. Before I had my dreams and hopes still being kept alive, as well as Green Day and their music to keep me going. But now even all of that had been cruelly snatched away from me. I couldn't even have the chance to dream now. And the exploits of listening to Green ay were just a constant reminder and sickened me.
I felt a tiny bit sorry for myself, but I should have seen it coming. However, it was nothing compared to the knowing of how stupid I had been. Stupid to fall for Billie Joe in the first place. Stupid for thinking that I could ever have a relationship with him. Stupid enough to fall in love with the Green Day front man who already had a family of his own. I was stupid. Stupid all over.
I didn't have the same hope inside of me anymore, and I didn't think I ever would again. Even before when things had been bad I still found hope in that one day someone would find me and take me in. Billie Joe had proved that and shown me that things could change for better. He had given me a new start and loved me like I had never been loved before. But now that was gone, I had nothing left. Nothing at all. Only the clothes on my back, a little bit of money as well as the tears and the memories - good and bad. I didn't want to suffer anymore.
I stopped walking and turned to face the river and the start of the bay that lead out to the sea, overlooking it. The light from the sun lay across the water, the cars racing past behind me across the bridge and turning into a blur. I stood there, thinking about how easy it was to end it all here and now. All I had to do was climb over the rail and let myself fall. I slowly propped my foot up against the rail, tightening a grip around the upper bar and ready to throw myself over the edge and plunder into the unknown. Surprisingly, it all seemed so easy. I bit my lip as I stared down into the mass of water, knowing that it would all be over in a matter of seconds. I gulped down harshly, and leant forward. I imagined myself falling down below into the water, but scared myself so much that I let go and fell backwards back onto the sidewalk by the bridge. I got up and wide eyed, stared at where I had just been swinging. I couldn't kill myself like that, a slow death. I had to do it quickly and painful. Like Jimmy had said - physical pain took over the mental agony. But I didn't think about that right now. There was something I had to do first. One last task and then I was ready to go.
* * * * * * * *
I brisked along as I crossed the boulevard and entered a shabby looking off-licensed tattoo bar, slipping in through the door and closing it behind me. I slumped towards the counter, the man behind it looking me over carefully with his beading black eyes, adopting several harsh looking tattoos and piercings himself. The room was almost pitch black as the dark walls only reflected light that shone from the lamp above the chair.
"Erm... I'd like a tattoo please." Croaked, not looking up at him, my face drained and black dark circles around my eyes.
He looked at me suspiciously, before pushing across the desk at me the catalogue and returning to his magazine. I timidly took a glance at him before opening the book to search for the right type. After a few minutes of looking I turned my head up to face him.
"Erm... I... can't I just have a name?" I mumbled, shoving hands into the front pocket of my hoody that was falling apart.
He annoyingly grabbed hold of the book in front of me and put it away, looking me over again from the tops of his eyes.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah," I replied. "I want it to say this... "
I grabbed hold of one of the business cards from top of the pile, flipping it over and scribbling something on the back of it; passing it to him across the glass counter for him to look at.
* * * * * * * *
I staggered out of the parlour an hour later, $80 shorter than what I had been before and feeling slightly drowsy. I didn't care about the money anymore. I knew I should have saved it for food and things, but I didn't need money anymore. I'd soon be gone so it wouldn't be important. At least I had done something worthwhile with it whilst I still could. I wandered down the boulevard, not looking where I was going and focusing on the pain that was throbbing on the top of my right arm. Jimmy was right. It was so much easier to cope with physical pain then mental. I could cope with this. I looked up to suddenly stop at the sight of the local bar standing in front of me. The one Billie Joe had dragged me to after I had lost the final. It haunted me through out, making me want to faint. And now I was standing in the same parking lot that Jimmy and Toni had torn us apart in, standing on the exact same ground that Tre had fought Jimmy on. The same space where I had crumbled in Billie's arms and where we had both cried our eyes out. The same place where Billie Joe told me that he loved me. I had been an arse to believe it, but it seemed comforting and I knew that deep down he must love me. He must love me still. He must do. He had to. I lifted up the sleeve to my jumper and revealed a patch on my arm where a white plaster cover stuck over me. I slowly peeled it off, even though I knew I shouldn't yet, and threw it on the floor. A jet-black scribing of 'Billie Joe' lay across my skin, still red around the outside on the skin. I smiled. Now I had his mark on me. Now I had proof that he had once been mine. I was mad to have it done, and that's what I was - mad. I was stupidity all over. In everything to do with Billie Joe and the rest of Green Day. But it made me feel better. If I couldn't have him, then I had this mark on my arm to remind me of everything that had happened and that he did once love me. I was now ready to leave everything behind, and I was going to take the name Billie Joe down with me.
And then I laughed. Laughed because I could not cry anymore. Laughed because I had finally gone insane.
I was laughing at myself.
