A Note Don't Come Easy, chapter 3
Oh my fucking God. There he was, standing there at the door to my suite, as if this was normal. And I'll tell you something, this WASN'T normal. Not to me anyway, maybe to Green Day it was, but no way was it for me. I let go of Tre, from where I had been struggling to move out of his grasp he had on me.
"Guys, what you doing?" Billie Joe asked looking confused, still standing in the doorway.
I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't know whether to cry or laugh. I felt so stupid, just standing there amongst the 3 of them. All my life I had dreamt about meeting these guys, and now it was happening, I didn't have a fucking clue how to react. You think about what reaction you would have when things like this happened, but reality is totally different to what you think. I had just found that out, and god, did I know it. I still didn't even look at Billie Joe. If I did, I wouldn't be able to move my eyes off him, and I was afraid that he might catch my looking and think that I was a freak. Being caled a freak wasn't different to me, I had always been called a freak at school. But to be thought as a freak by Billie Joe, now that WOULD hurt. It would be too much to handle. Mike walked towards Billie Joe and looked in my direction.
"Dude, you gotta listen to this girl play. She's awesome." Mike said, tilting his head again, in my direction.
" Yeah, she SO rocks!" Tre added in, looking at me and punching the air.
I looked back at him, with uncertaincy in my eyes. He put his hand on my shoulder.
"Don't look so scared kid, you're good."
His re-assurance wasn't working. I still felt numb and sick.
"We're not gonna bite your head off or nothing." Tre carried on, starting to laugh. "Unless I wanted to have sex with you!"
I sharply turned to Tre, scared and shocked at the same time.
"Tre!" Mike screamed, giving him evils. " What the hell was that for?!?"
" Well," Tre began. " Praying mantasis' bite each other's heads off before having sex. That's why fucker."
I knew he was only joking and trying to cheer me up, but it wasn't. Mike raised his eyebrow, he didn't look impressed. I looked away and saw Billie Joe creased in the doorway with laughter. At the moment, Mike seemed to be the only decent one around here who understood how I felt.
"What the fuck did you get that shit from?" He asked sighing.
"The Discovery channel." Tre laughed.
I suddenly felt uncomfortable with Tre's hand on my shoulder, especially after what he had just said. My face felt hot from embarressment. Here was a Green Day member suggesting about having sex with me, and I was embarressed? What the fuck was wrong in my head? My nervus system had shut down completly, and I was suffering. Suffering bad.
"Anyway Billie," Mike began again, "You gotta listen to her play. She's outta this world."
I looked at Mike and waited for a reply. I stared at Billie Joe for the first time, and all I wanted to do was jump off the balcony and die. There was a few seconds of silence, while he thought, and I hated the waiting. Waiting for his verdict and judgement on me. This was the big one, it didn't matter on what the other two said, Billie Joe was all that mattered. He smiled and moved from leaning on the door frame. His smile killed my heart, and it was bleeding inside of me, big time.
"What's your name kid?" He asked moving towards me.
"Stef" I muttred, transfixing my eyes on him.
"Well Stef, Mike says you're awesome." He chewed on his tongue as he moved to sit on the sofa infront of Tre and I. He clasped his hands together and hunched over.
"And Mike doesn't usually complament on other people's music. In fact I can't remember the last time he did, so you MUST be good."
Mike rolled his eyes, while leaning against the wall with his arms crossed.
"So, or you going to play for me or what?" Billie Joe asked swinging his hands in between his legs, which were still tightly clasped together.
I took this as an order more than anything else. I grabbed my guitar the quickest I had ever done today and positioned it on my lap, again sitting on the glass table. I knew that sometime it was going to crack, but I didn't care. Billie Joe was sitting infront of me for fuck's sake!
"What shall I play?" I asked quietly, trying not to make eye contact with him.
"Whatever you feel is right."
I know I've said this a million and one fucking times but, this was nuts. I tried to think of a song. Whatever you feel is right, whatever you feel is right... Those words meant something to Billie Joe, so I had to think about what exactley it was that they meant. I closed my eyes and thought deep. I started to play We Are The Waiting. I played it cos it was relevant to me and my life. I was waiting for something to happen, but I didn't know what. I was waiting for my life to start and now seemed a pretty good time! During the process, I opened my eyes again, only to stare into Billie's own peircing green eyes. I felt so sick, but I concentrated on the guitar to stop me thinking about it. I desperatly tried not to go wrong, because if I did, I was scared that Billie Joe would be offended. This was too good of an opportunity to fuck up. I stopped played and looked up at Billie again. All 3 of them were staring at me. Something had obviously gone wrong. They weren't moving or anything. They were just staring and staring. At me!
"That is some fine music you're making there." Mike said, not even flinching.
" I love you man!" Tre cried, pretending to cry. " It's so beautiful!"
Billie Joe didn't say anything. It felt weird being called good at something. My step-dad had always down-graded me saying I would never be any good at anything, and that I was just a piece of shit that would get in the way and kicked. Being called good at something was like a virus to me that heaved my guts up. I wnated to tell them how I felt, but I didn't want them to think of me differently because of my past.
"It's shit!" I screamed. " It's all shit!"
"Don't be a fool." Mike told me, moving his arms from his chest.
" No!" I screamed again, putting my shaken hands to my head. "You don't understand. You can't be Green Day. Nothing good has ever happened to me! You must of got the wrong person or something becasue I'm absolutely shit! My step-dad always said I was full of shit, and he's right, so i can't be good. I am a little shit. Everything I do is shit!"
My eyes started to swell up, and I could feel the blood pounding in my heart. I just wanted to be loved and taken care of.
"Yeah, it's shit." Billie Joe said with no emotion.
He seemed transfixed on me. Mike and Tre looked at him in shock horror, and all I could see from behind my tears was his face. The face I had always turned to at home when I was beaten.
"But it's fucking good shit." He continued. "Shit that smells sweet and that stabs you in the heart because it's so fucking good."
At this moment in time, I wanted to hug him and never let go of him. I suddenly burst out crying, and all the rage from home flew out of my system. The guys looked at each other, unsure of what to do, but I couldn't help myself. This was beyond my imagination.
" I'm sorry" I cried, trying not to whimper. "I've just had a shit life, and I can't believe I've made it through. Just thinking about my step-dad makes me feel depressed."
Billie Joe got up from his spot and sat down on the glass table, next to me. He put his arm around me, and all I could do was cry into his jacket. I could feel my tears on it and I felt guilty for ruining it, but this had to be done. I HAD to get this out of my system now, otherwise I would never get over it. I made out through my tears Billie Joe indicating the others to go, and I watched them walk out, looking back at me to see if I was ok and then closing the door behind them. Billie Joe hugged me tighter as I stopped my pathetic snivelling and whining. I couldn't believe I had CRIED in front of Green Day. Actually, come to think of it, I couldn't believe most things that happened today. It suddenly dawned on me just exactley what was going on. Billie Joe and I were alone together in my suite, sitting on a glass table next to eachother. Fucking hell...
"Guys, what you doing?" Billie Joe asked looking confused, still standing in the doorway.
I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't know whether to cry or laugh. I felt so stupid, just standing there amongst the 3 of them. All my life I had dreamt about meeting these guys, and now it was happening, I didn't have a fucking clue how to react. You think about what reaction you would have when things like this happened, but reality is totally different to what you think. I had just found that out, and god, did I know it. I still didn't even look at Billie Joe. If I did, I wouldn't be able to move my eyes off him, and I was afraid that he might catch my looking and think that I was a freak. Being caled a freak wasn't different to me, I had always been called a freak at school. But to be thought as a freak by Billie Joe, now that WOULD hurt. It would be too much to handle. Mike walked towards Billie Joe and looked in my direction.
"Dude, you gotta listen to this girl play. She's awesome." Mike said, tilting his head again, in my direction.
" Yeah, she SO rocks!" Tre added in, looking at me and punching the air.
I looked back at him, with uncertaincy in my eyes. He put his hand on my shoulder.
"Don't look so scared kid, you're good."
His re-assurance wasn't working. I still felt numb and sick.
"We're not gonna bite your head off or nothing." Tre carried on, starting to laugh. "Unless I wanted to have sex with you!"
I sharply turned to Tre, scared and shocked at the same time.
"Tre!" Mike screamed, giving him evils. " What the hell was that for?!?"
" Well," Tre began. " Praying mantasis' bite each other's heads off before having sex. That's why fucker."
I knew he was only joking and trying to cheer me up, but it wasn't. Mike raised his eyebrow, he didn't look impressed. I looked away and saw Billie Joe creased in the doorway with laughter. At the moment, Mike seemed to be the only decent one around here who understood how I felt.
"What the fuck did you get that shit from?" He asked sighing.
"The Discovery channel." Tre laughed.
I suddenly felt uncomfortable with Tre's hand on my shoulder, especially after what he had just said. My face felt hot from embarressment. Here was a Green Day member suggesting about having sex with me, and I was embarressed? What the fuck was wrong in my head? My nervus system had shut down completly, and I was suffering. Suffering bad.
"Anyway Billie," Mike began again, "You gotta listen to her play. She's outta this world."
I looked at Mike and waited for a reply. I stared at Billie Joe for the first time, and all I wanted to do was jump off the balcony and die. There was a few seconds of silence, while he thought, and I hated the waiting. Waiting for his verdict and judgement on me. This was the big one, it didn't matter on what the other two said, Billie Joe was all that mattered. He smiled and moved from leaning on the door frame. His smile killed my heart, and it was bleeding inside of me, big time.
"What's your name kid?" He asked moving towards me.
"Stef" I muttred, transfixing my eyes on him.
"Well Stef, Mike says you're awesome." He chewed on his tongue as he moved to sit on the sofa infront of Tre and I. He clasped his hands together and hunched over.
"And Mike doesn't usually complament on other people's music. In fact I can't remember the last time he did, so you MUST be good."
Mike rolled his eyes, while leaning against the wall with his arms crossed.
"So, or you going to play for me or what?" Billie Joe asked swinging his hands in between his legs, which were still tightly clasped together.
I took this as an order more than anything else. I grabbed my guitar the quickest I had ever done today and positioned it on my lap, again sitting on the glass table. I knew that sometime it was going to crack, but I didn't care. Billie Joe was sitting infront of me for fuck's sake!
"What shall I play?" I asked quietly, trying not to make eye contact with him.
"Whatever you feel is right."
I know I've said this a million and one fucking times but, this was nuts. I tried to think of a song. Whatever you feel is right, whatever you feel is right... Those words meant something to Billie Joe, so I had to think about what exactley it was that they meant. I closed my eyes and thought deep. I started to play We Are The Waiting. I played it cos it was relevant to me and my life. I was waiting for something to happen, but I didn't know what. I was waiting for my life to start and now seemed a pretty good time! During the process, I opened my eyes again, only to stare into Billie's own peircing green eyes. I felt so sick, but I concentrated on the guitar to stop me thinking about it. I desperatly tried not to go wrong, because if I did, I was scared that Billie Joe would be offended. This was too good of an opportunity to fuck up. I stopped played and looked up at Billie again. All 3 of them were staring at me. Something had obviously gone wrong. They weren't moving or anything. They were just staring and staring. At me!
"That is some fine music you're making there." Mike said, not even flinching.
" I love you man!" Tre cried, pretending to cry. " It's so beautiful!"
Billie Joe didn't say anything. It felt weird being called good at something. My step-dad had always down-graded me saying I would never be any good at anything, and that I was just a piece of shit that would get in the way and kicked. Being called good at something was like a virus to me that heaved my guts up. I wnated to tell them how I felt, but I didn't want them to think of me differently because of my past.
"It's shit!" I screamed. " It's all shit!"
"Don't be a fool." Mike told me, moving his arms from his chest.
" No!" I screamed again, putting my shaken hands to my head. "You don't understand. You can't be Green Day. Nothing good has ever happened to me! You must of got the wrong person or something becasue I'm absolutely shit! My step-dad always said I was full of shit, and he's right, so i can't be good. I am a little shit. Everything I do is shit!"
My eyes started to swell up, and I could feel the blood pounding in my heart. I just wanted to be loved and taken care of.
"Yeah, it's shit." Billie Joe said with no emotion.
He seemed transfixed on me. Mike and Tre looked at him in shock horror, and all I could see from behind my tears was his face. The face I had always turned to at home when I was beaten.
"But it's fucking good shit." He continued. "Shit that smells sweet and that stabs you in the heart because it's so fucking good."
At this moment in time, I wanted to hug him and never let go of him. I suddenly burst out crying, and all the rage from home flew out of my system. The guys looked at each other, unsure of what to do, but I couldn't help myself. This was beyond my imagination.
" I'm sorry" I cried, trying not to whimper. "I've just had a shit life, and I can't believe I've made it through. Just thinking about my step-dad makes me feel depressed."
Billie Joe got up from his spot and sat down on the glass table, next to me. He put his arm around me, and all I could do was cry into his jacket. I could feel my tears on it and I felt guilty for ruining it, but this had to be done. I HAD to get this out of my system now, otherwise I would never get over it. I made out through my tears Billie Joe indicating the others to go, and I watched them walk out, looking back at me to see if I was ok and then closing the door behind them. Billie Joe hugged me tighter as I stopped my pathetic snivelling and whining. I couldn't believe I had CRIED in front of Green Day. Actually, come to think of it, I couldn't believe most things that happened today. It suddenly dawned on me just exactley what was going on. Billie Joe and I were alone together in my suite, sitting on a glass table next to eachother. Fucking hell...
