A Note Don't Come Easy, chapter 30

He cradled me like a baby in his arms, starting to sob uncontrollably. I stared up at him, not having the energy to do anything. Not even to feel. All I could do was lie in his arms and let him hold onto me, even if I didn't want him to.
"Stef... Why... Why... Just... Why... Why... No... You can't... "?
He kept repeating himself, not knowing what to do or how to react. Still in his suit from the Grammies last night with a smell of booze, tears and smoke, he tightened his arms around me and moved my face in towards him, nuzzling me into his chest. He looked up to the ceiling, praying and looking for an answer but he never seemed to get one back.
"Why?!" ? He screamed. "Why am I such a dispshit?!" ?
I hated it when he called himself names but this time I didn't feel so sorry for him. I felt more sorry for myself right now.
I felt his chest heave up and down from his sobbing, his heart beating madly inside. He squeezed tightly onto my left hand, but I had no feeling left in it. All blood circulation had been cut off. I valued my hands the most. With them I could draw, play guitar, write, hold things, but now they would never come in use again. Just the holder of the tool that would very soon kill me off. He held my hand up to his face, still cupped inside of his "" pressing it to his dampened cheek. Blood smeared across his skin, as his kissed the tops of my fingers lightly. Now his whole body was shaking with fear, as he slowly broke down.
"You... Can't... You just can't... Stef... Stef... Stef... "?
The sobbing of my name became more frequent as every so often I would close my eyes in exhaustion.
"Stef... Don't close your eyes... Please... Hold on... It'll be alright soon. Everything will be... Ok, you've got to believe me... You've just got to... "? His bottom lip trembled as he looked deeply upon me. "I'm never going to let you out of my sight again... "?
I opened my eyes again to feel a tear fall from his eye and land on my nose. I wanted to cry with him so much now, but I couldn't. It was impossible.
Watching the colour drain from me and more blood spill onto his own hand, he leaned forward and nuzzled his face into my neck, holding me so tight to him. Tighter than ever before. I looked up at the ceiling, everything spinning around me and blurry to a vision, the only thing in focus being the back of Billie Joe's neck "" the scuffle of his hair. The familiar scent of him filled my nostrils, reminding me of every time we had kissed, and the sensation of it.
Fucking hell, I wanted him back so much. But I knew deep down that it was all fun and games. Soon enough he would have gone back to Oakland to Adrienne and his REAL family, and I would have been a part of his dead past. It wouldn't have lasted. Sure the lust and excitement was there, but did he really love me like I loved him? Or was it just a bit of fun to him? I couldn't go through knowing it hadn't meant that much to him. The thought that he had turned to another woman who he hardly knew killed me inside.
I felt a small lump arise in my throat, making me swallow hard and close my eyes again, only feeling the warmth of Billie Joe up next to me.
Suddenly there was a loud roll of running footsteps, and someone shouting;
"Hurry up!" ?
There was a loud bang against the door as Tre threw his fists against the door.
"Billie!" ? He cried out, desperation in his voice. "Billie are you in there?" ?
"TRE!" ? Billie Joe roared out, the vibrations of his voice rasping against his chest.
"Billie! What's going on?!" ? Tre yelled back from the other side of the door to my room that was still locked.
Billie why did you have to go and get Tre? You finding me were taunting enough, but Tre too? The other guy I loved? The one who seemed to care about me more? My best friend?
I thought I felt my heart literally stop for a few seconds as Billie clung onto me like I was the only thing left for him. And in a way I wanted it to be that way.
"Tre get in here!" ? Billie Joe screamed madly, looking back down on me as every second I grew less and less colourful.
I heard him grumble a few words outside to someone else, followed by a few grunts and groans.
"Billie," ? Mike called out from out in the hallway, strained. "Stand back from the door, 'k?" ?
Instantly, Billie lowered his head and leaned himself over my body, protecting me as he held onto my hands tight.
There was a loud crash somewhere from the other side of the door, muffled to my ears from Billie's jacket pressed against me. Another loud bang followed, suddenly followed by a crash of metal upon the floor, the door opening at a force.
Billie Joe lifted up his head to see his two best friends standing on the other side of the now open doorway, still with one arm wrapped around my head and the other holding onto my limb and bloodied hand.
Tre ran into the room madly like he was on fire, suddenly stopping dead in his tracks as his eyes fell upon my almost dead body curled up inside of Billie Joe's frame. The image he least wished to see. His mouth hung open, his eyes bulging from their sockets and his mind shutting down inside. He couldn't move, he just stood there totally numb in the doorway, staring at me, and then Billie Joe. His muscles seemed to let go and all of his limbs fell dead still.
Time stood still for eternity as Tre stared down on the both of us, Billie Joe looking up at him with desperate eyes and tears rolling down his face before returning to look down on me.
Mike stepped into the room, pushing past Tre to see what was wrong. Startled, he jumped back a little when he saw two figures crumpled on the floor together as one. And I wish we were as one. What I would give to climb inside of him now and stay there, just like that forever.
He looked down upon me lying in his best friend's wrath, his whole body freezing too.
"Oh shit... "? he whispered, cocking his head to one side, saddened at the sight of me.
He turned slightly away, not being able to take it in and putting his hand over his face in torment. Tre opened his mouth to say something, before closing it rethinking his words, then proceeding to open it again to speak.
"What are we... What are we going to do?" ? He asked, stuttering and not being able to take his eyes off of me. "Mike...?" ?
"I don't... Tre... I don't know Tre... I don't... Know... "?
"What are we going to do? I mean... Shall I call an ambulance? I dunno... How long will it take them to get here?" ? Tre panicked, ripping his eyes off of me for a few seconds and turning to his fellow band member for instructions or some sort of answer. "Mike? Mike... Mike answer me!" ?
"I don't know Tre!" ? Mike cried back, taking his hand away from his face and staring into the eyes of the drummer. "I've never... The only time... I've had... To deal with this was... With... Was with my mum Tre... And you... You know what happened there... I don't... Don't know what to do." ?
I felt a little sorry for Mike. I never wanted him or Tre to suffer. Neither did I Billie Joe really, but he had CHOSEN to climb over that balcony and watch me crumple to the floor.
As their voices echoed in the distance to me, all I could hear now was my own shallow breaths, slowly feeling myself drain away and become empty. And in a dark way it felt good not to feel anything right now.

No more pain. No more suffering. No more heartache. No more agony.

No more love.

"We can't just "" stand... Stand here... "? Tre stuttered madly, not being able to calm down. "We gotta do something... She can't... She... She can't die... "?
There was a long pause after, Tre just having stated the inevitable. I felt Billie Joe's heart beat a little bit faster against me as he held me close, closer than ever before. His breath being cut short suddenly at the thought that we would never be together again. Never to kiss, hold each other, laugh with each other, cry with each other or even feel something towards each other.
"We've got to take her to the hospital." ? Tre cried out suddenly, Mike looking at him.
"It'll take us too long." ?
"Well, well... I'll call an ambulance then!" ?
"An ambulance?" ?
"Yes an ambulance Mike! You know, the thing that goes 'nee-nor' and takes people to the hospital when things like this happen?!" ?
As the two men argued over whether to take me to the hospital themselves or wait for an ambulance, it seemed like Billie Joe had died with me too. He sat crumpled up around my figure, nuzzling his face into my neck, holding onto me tight and never letting go. His warmth showered over me, but still I felt as cold as anything. He sat there lifeless, just like me and hoping with every type of power he had that I would be ok. Silently he cried, a few tears falling down his face every so often. It broke my heart even more, to see him crumble, but then I guess that made two of us now.
I felt him shudder against me, as I gulped hard, barely being able to do it.
"Shall I?" ? Tre started to panic repeating himself, putting his hands to his head. "Come on Mike. What do we do? Is it to late, I mean "" I... Should I, will it be easier? Or shall we take her ourselves? Will... Will she make it? Billie what shall we do?!" ?
But Billie Joe didn't answer, all he did was nuzzle himself more into me, holding on forever and trying to reach out to hold me alive.
"What if we take her ourselves?" ? Tre cried again, gritting his teeth and continuously staring at me. "Will "" will she get there quicker? I mean, - what if... We got to take her!" ?
"How are we going to do that Tre?" ? Mike hollered back, not knowing what to do either. "We have no way of getting here there. We have no vehicle." ?
"Well, call an ambulance then!" ?
"No, not an ambulance. It'll never get here in time." ? Mike added, shuddering.
"Well... Well "" we... We've got to take her ourselves then! There's no other way!" ? He demanded. "I'm not going to let her die. Not now, not all that's she been through. I don't understand it, why... Why would she do this?" ?
Billie Joe guiltily glanced up at the drummer from the corner of his eye, quickly looking back down before he could look back and catch his eye. I could tell that he knew. He knew why I had decided to take my own life with a knife.
He blocked out the constant arguing and panic talk of the other two members of Green Day, and squeezed my hand tight, but he got nothing out of me from doing it. He kissed the tops of my fingers again lightly, another tear falling down the side of my hand from his face and mixing with the blood.
As lifeless and numb as I felt, I managed to sense him roll up the sleeves on my hoody to my left arm. Blood soaked it through, tracking up the rest of my arm from where it had dripped earlier. He rolled the sleeve up to as far as it would go, just resting before my shoulder. He blinked as more tears broke away from him at the sight of my arms. Swallowing hard and ignoring everything around him, he placed my arm and my limp hand down in his lap. Slowly, he picked up my other arm and gently rolled up the sleeves, revealing more deep cuts to him. He carefully held onto my hand, blood printing onto his own fingertips. His eyes red and puffy from crying, he continued to roll the hoody sleeve up my dead arm, when suddenly he stopped.
With all my strength, I looked up at him from the corner of my eyes. He stared at the top of my right arm, his mouth falling open and his eyes mounting. He never let go of my jumper sleeve, just hanging onto it as he took on the image of his name scrawled across my arm in jet-black ink. He gulped hard, another hard cold tear rolling down his cheek. Something inside of him grabbed hold of his heart and tugged onto it tight. He was overtaken with something. Shock, fear, surprise, horror "" I would probably never know. He suddenly turned his head to look at me, his face horror-struck and the reality of what were happening hitting him. But all he could do was turn back and stare at it. Stare at his own name.
His bottom lip trembled as he cowered for a second. As he stared down at me and his name now fixed upon my arm amongst the blood, something inside of him snapped, bringing him back to his senses.
"For fuck's sake stop arguing! The more we argue the more time we're wasting!" ?
Tre and Mike stopped and looked at Billie Joe, not knowing what had made him suddenly blurt out.
Billie Joe looked up at his two best friends, with desperate eyes and holding onto me tight still. He bit his teeth together, the tears dampening his cheeks still and giving him a rough distant look. He moved his hand up to his face and hastily wiped away a clean tear that had just fallen, leaving another blood mark just under his eye and the bridge of his nose.
"I'm going to find someone." ? Tre panicked, suddenly turning around after taking one final glance at me and heading out the door.
"Tre! No!" ?
Mike quickly leaned forward and grabbed hold of the drummer's arm, pulling him back into the room.
"We can't let people get involved. Think of Stef. She don't want everyone to know what's happened, and see her. It's not like we'd go un-noticed now is it?" ?
Tre looked into the eyes of the sturdy bass player, small little tears forming in clusters around the edge of his blue eyes.
He trembled a little, shivering a little before looking down at the floor and then back at me. I couldn't look back at him, I had been turned around and I was now facing in towards Billie Joe, pressed against his chest as he sobbed into me. My arms hanging lifeless beside me as I closed my eyes once again and concentrated on the only thing left.

Billie Joe tightly hugging me.

It was all I could savour right now. There were no complications, or troubles, or even a conscience inside of me to hold me back. It was just right, like this, in his arms and holding onto him forever "" something I had always wished that would happen when we had held onto each other before. Never to let go.
"We've gotta do something Mike!" ? Tre started to sob, his bottom lip constantly trembling.
Mike looked at Tre, and then slowly down at Billie Joe and I "" Billie Joe's knuckles tightening to a white from grasping hold of my jumper so tight. He was a hysterical wreck. He let out another weak sob that filled the room, his voice hoarse and slightly husked from crying.
"I got an idea." ? Mike suddenly said, thinking hard and then looking at Billie Joe, hating to see him in the state he was in and cry. "I got an idea." ?
He went to stride out of the door when Tre called after him.
"What is it? What is it Mike?" ?
"We'll rent a car." ?
"Rent a car?" ? Tre questioned. "Mike, what if they don't let you?" ?
"They'll just have to." ?
He ran out of the room and faintly I could hear his footsteps down the hall disappear, and then the clatter of the stairwell door being thrashed open.
"Come on Billie," ? I heard Tre softly talk to him. "Come on." ?
He slowly walked towards the guitarist, not knowing whether it was a good thing to touch him or even speak to him because they still hadn't talked since their fight. Regardless of his worry, he crouched down beside him, where I was still crumpled in a heap in his arms, and placed a hand on his shoulder.
"Come on Billie Joe," ? he whispered choking back tears. "Come on. It's going to be all right. She'll be ok. We'll get her to the hospital. Come on Billie Joe." ?
Without even looking up to Tre, I felt Billie Joe strengthen his hold around me, before slowly staggering to his feet, carrying me in his arms, his legs trembling a little. Tre stood up next to him.
"Come on," ? he whispered again behind him. "She'll be in safe hands soon." ?
Still hurt and bruised from their argument from the night before, Billie Joe reluctantly listened to his friend and at a steady pace started to walk out of the door with me still carried in his arms.
I could barely make out the surroundings of the room as I stared up at the ceiling. Even the face of Billie Joe was out of focus to me now. But somehow I could see it all happening, like I could picture it all in my mind as an image. It was like it was an outside body experience to me. It felt like I was standing in the corner, watching this all happen "" as if I were another person.
Tre smiled bleakly at Billie Joe, but still as white as anything. The two men were as colourless and ghostly white as I were, except that they weren't dying. Looking around to see if anyone was watching, Tre walked behind Billie Joe, acting like a barrier. He knew both of his friends were both in danger. I may be the one who was dying right now, but it was obvious that he was scared for Billie.
Scared that he would go and do something stupid and fall apart if I didn't make it. He felt scared for the both of us.
He held the door open for Billie Joe as he staggered into the stairwell, holding onto me tight and cradling me into his arms. As I stared blankly at the ceiling, everything swirled around me. All that I could hear were the grunts of Billie Joe as he struggled to take me down the 8 flights of stairs. I felt his heart pound madly against my side as he reached the ground floor, letting a sigh from the strain as he finished the last step.
"I'll go and find Mike," ? Tre told him as he opened the door and entered the lobby, starting at a jog as he hurriedly searched at the variety desks for the budding bass player.
Billie Joe watched from the little square door window as Tre disappeared around the corner, hitting his head on the wall as he leaned against it. Slowly, he turned his drained face away from the window and stared down at the crumpled mess he was carrying "" me. His whole body slid down the wall, and I ended up laying across his lap by the first few steps.
"Stef... "? he whispered, choking back a tear. "Please hold on... It'll be ok soon. Mike's gone to rent a car so we can take you to the hospital. Tre's gone to find him now." ?
He forced a smile as the tears started to flow again, trying to make things sound better than they actually were, but I knew deep inside what was happening. This would be our last moment together. I felt a little sadness seep inside of me, pulling through the darkness and nothingness. And for a sudden second, I wanted to hug him tight, but not like this. A loving hug, one that made me feel safe and warm. I wanted him to tell me that everything would turn out all right in the end, and promise to me he would keep me safe and love me.
"Don't... "? he stuttered. "Don't die. You... You just "" can't... I "" I don't know what I would do without you. I can't imagine "" I don't want to imagine it... Just... Just... Just... "?
He broke out into a sudden sob, his mouth open as he howled in the stairwell, closing his eyes in the taunt of what was going on. He pulled me in close to him even more, squeezing me forever, kissing my neck lightly as he buried his head away.
"Oh Stef... What have I done? You... You don't deserve this... I... Why did I let this happen... I should have thought... About it... The whole thing... I- you... We... We're in lo -... You can't go. You can't leave me. Not now, not ever, not this moment. I promise, to make things better for you ok? If it's the last thing I do it's... It's gonna be that." ?
He pulled his face out from my neck and looked into my watery bloodshot eyes, and I blinked for the first time in ages.
"You've got... Your whole life ahead of you." ? He sobbed, whispering. "You can't die. You're gonna grow up, have kids, fall in love... "?
He trailed away and snivelled, putting his wrist up to his face and wiping his nose on it.
"And someone's going to love you back, I promise you. He may not be perfect, but I know for a fact that he'll keep you safe and look after you. Regardless of what's happened in the past. He means this. And he'll cherish you forever, because he'll... He'll know... "? He let out another snob as he sniffed again. "He'll know that he's found something special. Something that he'll never find again... "?
He paused, as he bit his trembling lip, salty tears resting upon them as his eyeliner smudged down his cheeks.
"And he... He wants you to know... That... That... That he'll always love you, and he always has done. He's just been so scared. So scared because he has never felt like this before, and he... Never knew... I never knew how to tell you how I felt, and believe me... I've "" I've been so scared Stef. So scared. And I'm so scared now, of what's going to happen to you, us and... And... "?
Cracking up and sobbing again, he slowly leaned forward and pressed his lips gently upon mine, kissing me delicately. I stared into his green eyes, and behind all the pain and hurt I could still see Billie Joe. The Billie Joe that I fell in love with, not the one who was a drunken lout at the Grammies last night and had run off with a whore.
He took my hand in his, stroking my fingers lightly, as we both stared into each other's eyes. Everything seemed to stop around us, the moment lasting forever and everything playing to me as if it were in slow motion. And then something inside of me grabbed hold of my heart. I could NEVER stop loving him, not matter what he had done. I would always forgive him in the end and what I wanted the most was to only be with him. With a sudden strength arising in me, my love growing strong for him again, I squeezed his hand quickly, gritting my teeth and wincing in pain from movement.
He suddenly looked down at my hand as I gave it another squeeze, his eyes widening at the sight of movement from me. He shot a look back at me, one of surprise and sudden hope.
"Stef... "? he whispered, before turning back to look at my hand.
He tightened his grip around it and squeezed it tight, our way of communicating now.
"Hold on Stef... That's a good girl... Come on... "? He assured me. "Come on babe, you can do it. Hang in there for me. Squeeze my hand again. Squeeze my hand again, just to let me know that you're ok in there. Come on... Come on... You can do it... "?
Wincing again and with all the strength I had left, I gave his hand another light squeeze.
"Good girl Stef. Good girl." ? He kept telling me, smiling honestly for the first time in ages. "You're going to be ok. Do it again, do it again!" ?
He beamed in hope that I was still able to move, smiling as he watched both of our bloodied hands that were connected together, waiting for me to squeeze them again. I tightened my grip around his knuckles one more time, a single tear rolling out of my tired distant eye with eyeliner.
"Oh yes!" ? He cried with hope, knowing that I was still alive. "Yes yes yes! Oh Stef... I knew you could... Come on babe... Just a little longer now, then you'll be in safe hands." ?
As I lay in his arms, staring at him desperately, tears both rolled down our cheeks. Both of hope and sadness. He continued to stroke my fingers in comfort before he leaned in and kissed me on the lips again, making my heart swell.
He smiled at me as he let out a light laugh, one of relief that I was still hanging in there.
"And that man, - " he continued, running his other hand through my hair as we lay crumpled in a heap at the bottom of the stairwell. He sniffed again, smiling down at me through the tears and broken eyeliner. "That man who is going to look after you and keep you safe, wants you to know that he NEVER wants to let you go, and that he will always love you forever." ?