A Note Don't Come Easy, chapter 32
I slowly opened my eyes, quickly closing them again because it hurt too much. A few seconds later, I tried again, blinking constantly because they had been closed for so long. My eyes adjusted to the light streaming through the light peach room. My eyes focused, things turning from a blur into shapes that I couldn't recognise. I took a deep haul of breath, not understanding what was going or where I was. I turned to my right, staring straight out of a window and a clear blue sky - the sun shining through. I blinked at the sudden intake of strong sun, looking away slightly.
I could see the top of the city's skyline, knowing that wherever I was, it wasn't going to be anywhere near the ground floor.
As I continuously opened and closed my eyes, waking myself up, I slowly looked around the room. There was a painting situated opposite me, hanging on the wall. A picture of a vase of flowers. I looked down and saw white sheets draped over me and hanging off of the side of the bed, a clipboard hanging at the end of the bedrail.
I sighed deeply, slowly taking it all in.
I had survived.
Not dead. But alive.
I thought back to the last thing I remember, the journey in the car. Billie's tearful cries and pleads with me to keep awake, Tre and Mike arguing before Tre started to cry and scream at Mike to get me to the hospital. The last thing I remember hearing was Billie's Joe's voice.
"No, No, Stef... please... -- I love you."
Those were the last things I had heard before I had blacked out. If that's what had happened. I don't know what had happened to me back in that car, but what I did know was that there had been this horrible, binding sensation tightening around my chest. I sighed, and it wasn't until I tried moving my right hand that I realised that I couldn't, something was pulling me back. I shot my head up to my right; to see a drip hanging on it's stand - a cable attaching it into my arm. As I stared at it, trying to take it all in, my eyes fell across the printed label stuck to the bag.
I looked at it before my eyes tracked the cable down, before something clicked in my mind - making me look back up at something that had caught my eye.
My heart skipped beats as a lump came to a rise in my throat, swallowing it back down hard as I refused to take my eyes away from the print that was on the drip. My eyes peeled over the same line, re-reading it again and again to see if I wasn't imagining things.
'Donator Blood Group AB.
Frank Edwin Wright The III.'
Tre had donated his blood to me. I looked back down at my wrists, to find that they were both bandaged up, hardly being able to move my fingers because the material was so thick. I ran my fingers through my un-ruley hair to find that it was still swept up into a ponytail from the Grammies. How long had I been out for?
Who would have thought that the Grammies would be the event that put me right here, in this very hospital bed?
Ashamed of myself, I looked down at my hands, studying them carefully and the tips of my fingers that were barely showing through - all blood cleaned away from them.
The very same fingers' that Billie Joe had kissed every time he had looked into my eyes and had realised that something was definitely wrong.
I looked back up at the drip, looking over Tre's name again and again. I felt so guilty; I could never forgive myself for how stupid I had been. Having said that I had over reacted was a bit of an understatement.
I suddenly heard a clatter from a door, making me jump and crawl back down into bed under the sheets - closing my eyes again. I didn't want anyone to know that I was awake just yet. I needed time to take a grasp of what had happened, I wasn't ready for the fuss. I wanted to be able to think about the damage I had done, and how I was going to repair it all.
I heard someone slowly open the door to my hospital room, carefully shutting the door behind them; leaving only a 'clunk' sound as the door fell shut. They gently shifted across the room, walking slowly around the bed and into the cushioned chair situated next to me, in front of the drip.
I heard the rustle of their clothes as they sat done before sighing deeply, another hand touching mine - making me jump. But it went un-noticed.
"Hey babe... "
I shuddered inside.
I felt Billie Joe's fingers stroke over mine, as he sighed again.
"How you doing?"
There was another pause between us.
"The doctor's say you're gonna be fine. Hmm," he hummed to himself in thought. "They say you've done well."
I listened carefully to him, my eyes still closed and trying my best to keep as still as I could; but his hand slowly moving over mine was making it hard for me to keep control.
"You scared me babe." He admitted, whispering a little to himself. "Yous cared us all. When Mike stopped the car all I could do was just grab hold of you and run you straight to the nearest doctor. I never stopped until they took you in. You - were... were as white as anything. Cold even. I - thought... I thought you were... dead. I thought I - that I had lost you."
I heard him shuffle awkwardly in his chair, before opening his mouth again to speak.
"Infact, you scared me a lot. You had lost - so much blood. So much. I have never seen that amount of blood all in one go. It was all over my hands, and it was all over the car - It was just everywhere Stef. Everywhere. I thought I was going to black out on you at one point. That's how scared I felt. I handed them over to you and they said... said that if... "
He let out a slight sniff, gripping hold of my heart.
"They said that if someone didn't donate blood soon then... you would die."
He fell quite suddenly, thinking back as the smell of the hospital food trolley filled my nose a little - making me feel sick.
"I tried. As soon as they said I told them to take it from me. But I wasn't the right blood type. I felt so helpless; I couldn't even give my blood to you. It broke me so much Stef. I thought no one could save you."
I heard him swallow hard, his fingers slowly trailing over mine in a comfort.
"Tre donated you blood." He simply said, his voice croaked at the emotion playing over in his mind. "He's scared of needles an' all, but when he found out he was the same type as you, he... he didn't even think about it. He did it for you. He overcome his fear for you, and I'm so grateful to him for doing that. I can't pay him back enough."
I felt that same lump bob up in my throat again, shuddering inside so madly because all I wanted to do was cry. But I still kept focused and in my resting position, the sheets draped over me and my eyes still firmly shut.
"I'm so sorry Stef," he continued, after there was another long pause in the room. "I really am. For everything. I mean - I never... set out to hurt you. I wouldn't even think about it... "
He sobbed suddenly as I felt him squeeze my hand tighter, his grasp gripping over my bruised fingers.
"I want you to know that, ok? I know you probably can't do anything right now, but if you can hear me - I don't know if you can even do that. But even if that's impossible, I have to tell you this, right here and now before it kills me anymore."
He was in a full state of tears now, which I could imagine in my head. It broke my heart. I didn't know what to do or think about myself. I was a complete and utter fuckhole and I knew it.
"I'm so sorry," he repeated again. "I wish I could tell you how sorry I am, but I doubt that you'll never be able to do that considering the hurt and pain you've felt. I understand. I wish... I wish I could just hold you tight and keep you warm, right now. I want to crawl in there with you and snuggle up to you, feel you against me, but I can't. All because of one stupid - STUPID mistake. All because of me."
I felt my bottom lip quiver, trying to keep as still as I could as Billie Joe slowly broke down, snivelling every other word, his voice rising every so often as the tears took over his breath.
"I just want to turn back time Stef." He croaked through the emotion built in his voice. "So we can start again, make things work. I so wish I had listened to you. That's all I think about. At the Grammies, when we had found that toilet... "
He trailed off a little as I felt him place now both of his hands back over my fingers, cupping them in his grasp. He felt so cold and sad.
"I was alive. And I mean that... we shared a perfect moment. I didn't want it to be any other way Stef. I wanted you there and then. Not because I was drunk, but because... because you made me feel - special. Like I was young again, without a care in the world and I love you Stef. That's why. I have done for so long, I was just scared of rejection, that you didn't want a relationship with me. Or that you weren't so sure. I can't say that we've had the best of times lately, what; with the auditions and all - but I wanted us to be together so much. And I never wanted things to turn out like they had done, believe me. I mean, Rachael... "
He kept quiet at the name, preparing to explain himself as I tensed up my arm that was hidden under a sheet so it wouldn't look obvious to him.
"Rachael... " he gulped a little again. "I never wanted to be with her. Not even that night Stef. I wanted you, that's why I had become so upset because it was like - like it was wrong for me to love you because it wasn't what you wanted. I told her that I had upset you, and she told me that it would all be ok and that she was always there to talk. And I believed her - I fucking believed her. She said she could help, and I was desperate Stef. So desperate to be with you - I just didn't know what to do. I tried to come and talk to you, I really did, but she stopped me. Kept saying that it was best if I left you alone for the rest of the night, give you time to cool down and let off steam. 5 times I attempted to see you, but she was on my back every second. Couldn't even go to the loo without her asking questions. I thought she was trying to help, honestly I did. I was that desperate to believe her... "
He constantly repeated the same thing over and over again, not making complete sense. He trailed off on his words once again, an awkward silence looming around us in the room.
"I thought she was helping, and I just wanted to go - before I made things worse. And then... " He thought a little. "And then she said that she had nowhere else to go for the night since the person she was with had ditched her to go to another party."
He swallowed hard; his mind all over the place as he could not stopped the flow of tears. I felt him shake a little against me as he sobbed.
"She said she would find somewhere, but I felt so sorry for her. And you know what I'm like Stef, when someone says something like that, I - I just have to help them. And I know I shouldn't have, but I just couldn't... so I said she could stay in one of Tre or Mike's old beds back in hotel for the night. I told her I didn't want any fuss, and that she had to go in the morning, no complications. Well, she said she would, so I guess that's when we went back. I grabbed us a taxi and we went up to the hotel room. And then... and then you knocked on my door..."
He let out a shallow sob, as I gulped hard, trying my best not to let myself cry in front of him.
"I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to answer it in case it was Mike. I didn't want him to see Rachael; he would have kicked my ass. And after what had happened before in the evening too, I didn't even want it to be Tre. He kinda hurt me bad - but I know deep down that he didn't mean it. Too be honest, this has brought us closer together as a group, because at the end of the day, all that we all want, is for you to be ok. And... and I didn't want it to be you either. Because Rachael was there... and I - I didn't want you to get the wrong idea... but... but... "
I heard him wipe his eyes across the sleeve of his blazer.
"But... that's exactly what happened Stef... and... I'm so... so... sorry... " He whispered, leaning his face towards my bruised hand and kissing it lightly as he shook in hysterics again.
"That's why... I didn't want - - to let you in... not because I didn't want to, because believe me... I wanted to with all, ALL my heart - but because I couldn't let you see her. I didn't want to upset you Stef... I had already done enough damage and... when I opened up to find you there, I was so lost. That's why I just wanted you to go - not because of the shit I would be in, but because I was protecting you. Protecting you from any more suffering... then you saw her... I knew I had really fucked up... and when I turned to see her... see her like that... I felt so sick. So sick, because then I knew what had happened. All I wanted to do was throw my guts up and turn back time. Make things ok - I wanted to rip my heart out, sign my name to it and run after you to give it away."
He let out a little wail.
"But I never NEVER touched her. I couldn't believe her. I was so stunned, sick and all I could think about was you Stef. You you you. I was so worried, and when I found you... when I found you and saw you put that knife to your wrist, I could have easily fallen off that balcony and died. It's what I wanted to do; I didn't want you to turn out suicidal. And I'm just so sorry for making things that bad for you... "
He closed his eyes and swallowed back as he re-lived the incident in his mind, the impact of him realising what Rachael had done; and for a moment, I thought I could see it all too.
*
Billie Joe looked in horror down the hallway as I suddenly sprinted down the stairs.
"Stef!" He yelled out suddenly, his eyes full of terror and wide open as he watched me ran away from him from the doorway of his hotel room.
I had vanished down the stairs like a bolt, leaving the stairwell door clattering and the echoing of my running footsteps creeping up the building. I had just found Billie Joe with Rachael.
"Shit." Billie Joe grunted to himself, not sure on what to do or how to react. "Shit, shit, shit."
He gulped hard, staring at the spot still to as where I had been standing a few seconds ago. He was so lost within himself that he didn't even think about running after me - the most instant thing to do.
"Holy shit... " He whispered again, his knuckles tightening to a white as he gripped madly at the doorframe he was still hanging in.
"Shit!"
He cursed madly to himself through his teeth, a wild flicker of fire behind his eyes as he suddenly turned around to face the inside of his room. His eyes fell upon an almost naked Rachael, his heart pulsating madly that he didn't how to control it. A lump appeared at the centre of his throat, sickened at the thought. He couldn't do anything but just stare furiously at her - like he had just be desensitised.
She stared back at him; sitting perched comfortably at the end of the bed still. She blinked, but he didn't. He was fixated upon the THING in front of him, so full of rage that it almost scared her.
"Get out." Was all that he managed to snarl at her. "Get out, now."
She looked at him sly, a flicker of corruption alight inside of her.
"I thought this was what you wanted." She suggested, raising her eyebrow and grinning at an evil at him.
His eyes widened, his hands forming into fists down by his side, before growling at her through his teeth again.
"This is exactly what I wanted NOT to happen." He hissed, trying to not shake.
"Aww hunni, it's ok. I'm here to make things better for you." She cooed, stroking his leg seductively as he stood in front of her.
"DON'T come near me." He warned, stepping back from her. "Don't even think about it."
He pointed his finger madly at her; his teeth clamped shut together, his eyes alight and his mind about to explode in agony and anger.
Stef. Stef. What about Stef? I have to find her. Stef... oh shit, Stef - was all that was running through his mind like a current of live electricity.
She bit her bottom lip in mischief as she looked at him from the tops of her eyes.
"I want you to go. Now." He repeated again, glaring down at her madly, barely unable to control his anger. "I want you to go, and I never want to see you again."
"You don't mean that." She replied, looking up at him now at an angle.
THRAWP.
A clatter of running footsteps echoed suddenly outside after a loud bang. A terrifying sob rang out below, bouncing off the buildings. Billie Joe ran instantly out onto his balcony, clasping hold of the bar supporting it and looking down below to see me running for my life. His eyes filled with terror and the guilt over took him once again at the site of me.
"Stef!" He let out a cold shrill over the parking lot. "Stef! Wait!"
But I didn't, I didn't even stop to look up at him. I couldn't, I just carried on running and running. Away from the thing that I loved the most.
Terror gripping hold of him, and the reality of his actions becoming clear in his mind, he started to panic inside. All he could do was watch my tiny figure run away so helplessly, disappearing around the corner. He didn't know what I was going to do.
He was scared for me, because he too would be scared if he were in my position. He took a deep inhale of breath, starting out into nothing, his whole body wanting to lean over the balcony and let himself fall with a smack onto the sidewalk below. Just so the pain would go away, he needed to do something to take away the guilt. Replace it with another emotion - but it seemed impossible. The guilt he was feeling right now was like no other. He never wanted this to happen, and he was sick to the bone at the fact that Rachael had decided to strip for him right when I had knocked on his door. It made him mad, full of rage. He could have made the night work so perfectly, but instead he really fucked it up.
He turned around suddenly, storming back into his room from off of the balcony and passing a bewildered Rachael.
"Where are you going?" She cried, still in her underwear.
"Where do ya' think?" He replied coldly.
"Billie hunni," She cooed again, her voice at an attempt of soothing.
He stopped suddenly by the bathroom doorway, holding his ground.
"Stop. Now." He howled, clenching his fists and swivelling on the spot to face her. "Don't. Just don't ok?! DON'T you dare patronise me."
"Patronise you?" She screamed back at him, draping the duvet over her figure now to give herself some decency. "I think you're the patronising one."
Billie Joe went to say something back at her, curling his lip and glaring madly, but he held his tongue for a few seconds before re-phrasing the thought sin his head.
"Go. Now."
He headed towards the door, reaching his hand out to grasp hold of the door handle.
"I'm sorry Billie!" She suddenly wailed out, realising the situation she had become stuck in. "I'm so sorry."
"Yes, I'm sorry too." He simply replied. "Sorry because now I wish I had never even bothered to talk to you."
He turned around on his worn heels once again, leaning onto his bed and grabbing hold of Rachael's dress that slipped around his knuckles.
"What are you doing?" She yelped, her eyes widening as she watched him snatch up the piece of material.
He leaned his face closer to her, looking into her eyes and seeing his own reflection in her own beady pupils.
"I want you to go now, and I never want to see you again. And I mean never. Do you hear me?"
He acknowledged her gulp a little, leaning back a little because she was now slightly afraid of him.
"And if you even DARE to step a foot near me, Stef, Mike or Tre even, believe me - You will pay."
"But I - " She stuttered.
" No!" He yelled cutting her short. "No but's. Never no but's."
He pointed his finger at her madly, just a few inches away from her face. She stared at it, gripping hold of the duvet that was covering her tightly. Her dress still hung in his grasp, swinging everywhere as he thrust his fist at her. And with one movement, he threw her dress back at her, hitting her on the chest, making her yelp before it fell to the floor.
"I want you out of here by the time I get back. And I want you gone. Forever. Out of town. Run back to where you came from."
"I have nowhere else to go! What can I do?" She whimpered stupidly.
"I'm sure you can figure it out." He sneered heading towards the door for the final time. "You would had have to have done in the first place."
He turned his back on her, and opened the door to his room, slamming it shut and it echoing down the hallway as he left. He may have been on the verge of a hangover, but he ran down the hall and stairs, following where I had ran, his heart beating madly at a rush as he left a bewildered Rachael in his room.
And he never wanted to even think about her again.
*
The silence continued between the two of us, Billie Joe gulping and re-collecting his thoughts. It felt so hard - to fight back the bitter tears that were lurking around inside of me. They were bitter, black as the sadness and darkness I held. He opened his eyes, the skin around them damp and moist with runned eyeliner, his green pupils small and shallow, buried within his face. Out of all things I had felt for Billie Joe, this was by far the worst. The feeling of guilt, and love in a painful sense. It hurt so much, I had never felt it before.
"I love you so much Stef." He croaked, his bottom lip quivering. " And I know that I was a complete ass at the Grammies for neglecting you and treating you like shit,"
By now I was just barely holding on with all the strength I had at the moment. I wanted to leap up and hug him tight and feel him inside of me.
"But no matter how it looks, I never wanted Rachael. I just wanted you to know that. I want you to know that I never intended to and I wasn't even thinking about that at the time, because all I could think about was you Stef. I never laid a finger upon her. Because I love you Stef, I really do. And you've just got to be ok, because if you don't... if you don't... get better, then well, I'll be so lost. So lost without you babe. So lost... "
He let the tears this time fall down his drained cheeks, instead of bothering to wipe them away because he knew that it would be a waste of time - because he would only have to do it again a few minutes later.
There was another knock at the door, making me tense my muscles that were less on show at the thought that it could be Mike or Tre. I wasn't quite ready to see or even hear more than one of them at the same time.
"Sir," A polite voice cooed around the door, catching Billie Joe's attention as he squeezed my hand a little. "Sir, visiting time is over."
"Oh - " Billie Joe croaked. "Ok." Sniff. "Thank you nurse."
"No problem sir."
She exited the room, closing the door at a jar as Billie Joe leaned in towards me further, putting his free hand to my forehead, stroking the lining of my hair softly.
"I got to go now babe." He whispered disappointed. "Hang in there for me m'kay?" He paused a little, biting his bottom lip. " I love you Stef, nothing can change that. I need you. I'm so lost within myself without you and I'm sick to the heart with worry about you. Please get better soon babe. Please. You look so peaceful... "
He leaned forward over my figure and pressed his lips gently upon mine, so soft to my imagination before kissing the tops of my fingers again.
"I'll always be here for you, from the moment you wake up to the day you die. And that's my promise to you. I love you."
He stood up and stared down at me for a glance before slumping his shoulders a little and shoving his hands in his trouser pockets. He walked around my bed and held a light grip of the door handle, looking back one final time - tears forming again.
"I love you. And I'm just so sorry. For everything Stef... "
He slandered out of the door, and closed it lightly behind him, his slow footsteps becoming fainter and fainter to my ears. And then when I knew that he had finally gone, I opened my eyes - with guilt ridden tears choking me up inside. I let out a sudden sob and let myself crumble into a ball, gripping hold of the duvet over me tightly. I looked back at the door to where he had been standing about a minute ago, his presence still looming around the room, haunting me forever with his final words.
I love you. And I'm just so sorry. For everything Stef...
"The most frequent word by the Britain's is sorry. But it has been used so many times that the Britain's have forgotten its meaning and the power of it."
That's what it had said on our notice board at my school once. But then I realised that Billie Joe wasn't British, and that he truly did mean it.
He was sorry.
And that he loved me. And I loved him back with all my heart.
I could see the top of the city's skyline, knowing that wherever I was, it wasn't going to be anywhere near the ground floor.
As I continuously opened and closed my eyes, waking myself up, I slowly looked around the room. There was a painting situated opposite me, hanging on the wall. A picture of a vase of flowers. I looked down and saw white sheets draped over me and hanging off of the side of the bed, a clipboard hanging at the end of the bedrail.
I sighed deeply, slowly taking it all in.
I had survived.
Not dead. But alive.
I thought back to the last thing I remember, the journey in the car. Billie's tearful cries and pleads with me to keep awake, Tre and Mike arguing before Tre started to cry and scream at Mike to get me to the hospital. The last thing I remember hearing was Billie's Joe's voice.
"No, No, Stef... please... -- I love you."
Those were the last things I had heard before I had blacked out. If that's what had happened. I don't know what had happened to me back in that car, but what I did know was that there had been this horrible, binding sensation tightening around my chest. I sighed, and it wasn't until I tried moving my right hand that I realised that I couldn't, something was pulling me back. I shot my head up to my right; to see a drip hanging on it's stand - a cable attaching it into my arm. As I stared at it, trying to take it all in, my eyes fell across the printed label stuck to the bag.
I looked at it before my eyes tracked the cable down, before something clicked in my mind - making me look back up at something that had caught my eye.
My heart skipped beats as a lump came to a rise in my throat, swallowing it back down hard as I refused to take my eyes away from the print that was on the drip. My eyes peeled over the same line, re-reading it again and again to see if I wasn't imagining things.
'Donator Blood Group AB.
Frank Edwin Wright The III.'
Tre had donated his blood to me. I looked back down at my wrists, to find that they were both bandaged up, hardly being able to move my fingers because the material was so thick. I ran my fingers through my un-ruley hair to find that it was still swept up into a ponytail from the Grammies. How long had I been out for?
Who would have thought that the Grammies would be the event that put me right here, in this very hospital bed?
Ashamed of myself, I looked down at my hands, studying them carefully and the tips of my fingers that were barely showing through - all blood cleaned away from them.
The very same fingers' that Billie Joe had kissed every time he had looked into my eyes and had realised that something was definitely wrong.
I looked back up at the drip, looking over Tre's name again and again. I felt so guilty; I could never forgive myself for how stupid I had been. Having said that I had over reacted was a bit of an understatement.
I suddenly heard a clatter from a door, making me jump and crawl back down into bed under the sheets - closing my eyes again. I didn't want anyone to know that I was awake just yet. I needed time to take a grasp of what had happened, I wasn't ready for the fuss. I wanted to be able to think about the damage I had done, and how I was going to repair it all.
I heard someone slowly open the door to my hospital room, carefully shutting the door behind them; leaving only a 'clunk' sound as the door fell shut. They gently shifted across the room, walking slowly around the bed and into the cushioned chair situated next to me, in front of the drip.
I heard the rustle of their clothes as they sat done before sighing deeply, another hand touching mine - making me jump. But it went un-noticed.
"Hey babe... "
I shuddered inside.
I felt Billie Joe's fingers stroke over mine, as he sighed again.
"How you doing?"
There was another pause between us.
"The doctor's say you're gonna be fine. Hmm," he hummed to himself in thought. "They say you've done well."
I listened carefully to him, my eyes still closed and trying my best to keep as still as I could; but his hand slowly moving over mine was making it hard for me to keep control.
"You scared me babe." He admitted, whispering a little to himself. "Yous cared us all. When Mike stopped the car all I could do was just grab hold of you and run you straight to the nearest doctor. I never stopped until they took you in. You - were... were as white as anything. Cold even. I - thought... I thought you were... dead. I thought I - that I had lost you."
I heard him shuffle awkwardly in his chair, before opening his mouth again to speak.
"Infact, you scared me a lot. You had lost - so much blood. So much. I have never seen that amount of blood all in one go. It was all over my hands, and it was all over the car - It was just everywhere Stef. Everywhere. I thought I was going to black out on you at one point. That's how scared I felt. I handed them over to you and they said... said that if... "
He let out a slight sniff, gripping hold of my heart.
"They said that if someone didn't donate blood soon then... you would die."
He fell quite suddenly, thinking back as the smell of the hospital food trolley filled my nose a little - making me feel sick.
"I tried. As soon as they said I told them to take it from me. But I wasn't the right blood type. I felt so helpless; I couldn't even give my blood to you. It broke me so much Stef. I thought no one could save you."
I heard him swallow hard, his fingers slowly trailing over mine in a comfort.
"Tre donated you blood." He simply said, his voice croaked at the emotion playing over in his mind. "He's scared of needles an' all, but when he found out he was the same type as you, he... he didn't even think about it. He did it for you. He overcome his fear for you, and I'm so grateful to him for doing that. I can't pay him back enough."
I felt that same lump bob up in my throat again, shuddering inside so madly because all I wanted to do was cry. But I still kept focused and in my resting position, the sheets draped over me and my eyes still firmly shut.
"I'm so sorry Stef," he continued, after there was another long pause in the room. "I really am. For everything. I mean - I never... set out to hurt you. I wouldn't even think about it... "
He sobbed suddenly as I felt him squeeze my hand tighter, his grasp gripping over my bruised fingers.
"I want you to know that, ok? I know you probably can't do anything right now, but if you can hear me - I don't know if you can even do that. But even if that's impossible, I have to tell you this, right here and now before it kills me anymore."
He was in a full state of tears now, which I could imagine in my head. It broke my heart. I didn't know what to do or think about myself. I was a complete and utter fuckhole and I knew it.
"I'm so sorry," he repeated again. "I wish I could tell you how sorry I am, but I doubt that you'll never be able to do that considering the hurt and pain you've felt. I understand. I wish... I wish I could just hold you tight and keep you warm, right now. I want to crawl in there with you and snuggle up to you, feel you against me, but I can't. All because of one stupid - STUPID mistake. All because of me."
I felt my bottom lip quiver, trying to keep as still as I could as Billie Joe slowly broke down, snivelling every other word, his voice rising every so often as the tears took over his breath.
"I just want to turn back time Stef." He croaked through the emotion built in his voice. "So we can start again, make things work. I so wish I had listened to you. That's all I think about. At the Grammies, when we had found that toilet... "
He trailed off a little as I felt him place now both of his hands back over my fingers, cupping them in his grasp. He felt so cold and sad.
"I was alive. And I mean that... we shared a perfect moment. I didn't want it to be any other way Stef. I wanted you there and then. Not because I was drunk, but because... because you made me feel - special. Like I was young again, without a care in the world and I love you Stef. That's why. I have done for so long, I was just scared of rejection, that you didn't want a relationship with me. Or that you weren't so sure. I can't say that we've had the best of times lately, what; with the auditions and all - but I wanted us to be together so much. And I never wanted things to turn out like they had done, believe me. I mean, Rachael... "
He kept quiet at the name, preparing to explain himself as I tensed up my arm that was hidden under a sheet so it wouldn't look obvious to him.
"Rachael... " he gulped a little again. "I never wanted to be with her. Not even that night Stef. I wanted you, that's why I had become so upset because it was like - like it was wrong for me to love you because it wasn't what you wanted. I told her that I had upset you, and she told me that it would all be ok and that she was always there to talk. And I believed her - I fucking believed her. She said she could help, and I was desperate Stef. So desperate to be with you - I just didn't know what to do. I tried to come and talk to you, I really did, but she stopped me. Kept saying that it was best if I left you alone for the rest of the night, give you time to cool down and let off steam. 5 times I attempted to see you, but she was on my back every second. Couldn't even go to the loo without her asking questions. I thought she was trying to help, honestly I did. I was that desperate to believe her... "
He constantly repeated the same thing over and over again, not making complete sense. He trailed off on his words once again, an awkward silence looming around us in the room.
"I thought she was helping, and I just wanted to go - before I made things worse. And then... " He thought a little. "And then she said that she had nowhere else to go for the night since the person she was with had ditched her to go to another party."
He swallowed hard; his mind all over the place as he could not stopped the flow of tears. I felt him shake a little against me as he sobbed.
"She said she would find somewhere, but I felt so sorry for her. And you know what I'm like Stef, when someone says something like that, I - I just have to help them. And I know I shouldn't have, but I just couldn't... so I said she could stay in one of Tre or Mike's old beds back in hotel for the night. I told her I didn't want any fuss, and that she had to go in the morning, no complications. Well, she said she would, so I guess that's when we went back. I grabbed us a taxi and we went up to the hotel room. And then... and then you knocked on my door..."
He let out a shallow sob, as I gulped hard, trying my best not to let myself cry in front of him.
"I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to answer it in case it was Mike. I didn't want him to see Rachael; he would have kicked my ass. And after what had happened before in the evening too, I didn't even want it to be Tre. He kinda hurt me bad - but I know deep down that he didn't mean it. Too be honest, this has brought us closer together as a group, because at the end of the day, all that we all want, is for you to be ok. And... and I didn't want it to be you either. Because Rachael was there... and I - I didn't want you to get the wrong idea... but... but... "
I heard him wipe his eyes across the sleeve of his blazer.
"But... that's exactly what happened Stef... and... I'm so... so... sorry... " He whispered, leaning his face towards my bruised hand and kissing it lightly as he shook in hysterics again.
"That's why... I didn't want - - to let you in... not because I didn't want to, because believe me... I wanted to with all, ALL my heart - but because I couldn't let you see her. I didn't want to upset you Stef... I had already done enough damage and... when I opened up to find you there, I was so lost. That's why I just wanted you to go - not because of the shit I would be in, but because I was protecting you. Protecting you from any more suffering... then you saw her... I knew I had really fucked up... and when I turned to see her... see her like that... I felt so sick. So sick, because then I knew what had happened. All I wanted to do was throw my guts up and turn back time. Make things ok - I wanted to rip my heart out, sign my name to it and run after you to give it away."
He let out a little wail.
"But I never NEVER touched her. I couldn't believe her. I was so stunned, sick and all I could think about was you Stef. You you you. I was so worried, and when I found you... when I found you and saw you put that knife to your wrist, I could have easily fallen off that balcony and died. It's what I wanted to do; I didn't want you to turn out suicidal. And I'm just so sorry for making things that bad for you... "
He closed his eyes and swallowed back as he re-lived the incident in his mind, the impact of him realising what Rachael had done; and for a moment, I thought I could see it all too.
*
Billie Joe looked in horror down the hallway as I suddenly sprinted down the stairs.
"Stef!" He yelled out suddenly, his eyes full of terror and wide open as he watched me ran away from him from the doorway of his hotel room.
I had vanished down the stairs like a bolt, leaving the stairwell door clattering and the echoing of my running footsteps creeping up the building. I had just found Billie Joe with Rachael.
"Shit." Billie Joe grunted to himself, not sure on what to do or how to react. "Shit, shit, shit."
He gulped hard, staring at the spot still to as where I had been standing a few seconds ago. He was so lost within himself that he didn't even think about running after me - the most instant thing to do.
"Holy shit... " He whispered again, his knuckles tightening to a white as he gripped madly at the doorframe he was still hanging in.
"Shit!"
He cursed madly to himself through his teeth, a wild flicker of fire behind his eyes as he suddenly turned around to face the inside of his room. His eyes fell upon an almost naked Rachael, his heart pulsating madly that he didn't how to control it. A lump appeared at the centre of his throat, sickened at the thought. He couldn't do anything but just stare furiously at her - like he had just be desensitised.
She stared back at him; sitting perched comfortably at the end of the bed still. She blinked, but he didn't. He was fixated upon the THING in front of him, so full of rage that it almost scared her.
"Get out." Was all that he managed to snarl at her. "Get out, now."
She looked at him sly, a flicker of corruption alight inside of her.
"I thought this was what you wanted." She suggested, raising her eyebrow and grinning at an evil at him.
His eyes widened, his hands forming into fists down by his side, before growling at her through his teeth again.
"This is exactly what I wanted NOT to happen." He hissed, trying to not shake.
"Aww hunni, it's ok. I'm here to make things better for you." She cooed, stroking his leg seductively as he stood in front of her.
"DON'T come near me." He warned, stepping back from her. "Don't even think about it."
He pointed his finger madly at her; his teeth clamped shut together, his eyes alight and his mind about to explode in agony and anger.
Stef. Stef. What about Stef? I have to find her. Stef... oh shit, Stef - was all that was running through his mind like a current of live electricity.
She bit her bottom lip in mischief as she looked at him from the tops of her eyes.
"I want you to go. Now." He repeated again, glaring down at her madly, barely unable to control his anger. "I want you to go, and I never want to see you again."
"You don't mean that." She replied, looking up at him now at an angle.
THRAWP.
A clatter of running footsteps echoed suddenly outside after a loud bang. A terrifying sob rang out below, bouncing off the buildings. Billie Joe ran instantly out onto his balcony, clasping hold of the bar supporting it and looking down below to see me running for my life. His eyes filled with terror and the guilt over took him once again at the site of me.
"Stef!" He let out a cold shrill over the parking lot. "Stef! Wait!"
But I didn't, I didn't even stop to look up at him. I couldn't, I just carried on running and running. Away from the thing that I loved the most.
Terror gripping hold of him, and the reality of his actions becoming clear in his mind, he started to panic inside. All he could do was watch my tiny figure run away so helplessly, disappearing around the corner. He didn't know what I was going to do.
He was scared for me, because he too would be scared if he were in my position. He took a deep inhale of breath, starting out into nothing, his whole body wanting to lean over the balcony and let himself fall with a smack onto the sidewalk below. Just so the pain would go away, he needed to do something to take away the guilt. Replace it with another emotion - but it seemed impossible. The guilt he was feeling right now was like no other. He never wanted this to happen, and he was sick to the bone at the fact that Rachael had decided to strip for him right when I had knocked on his door. It made him mad, full of rage. He could have made the night work so perfectly, but instead he really fucked it up.
He turned around suddenly, storming back into his room from off of the balcony and passing a bewildered Rachael.
"Where are you going?" She cried, still in her underwear.
"Where do ya' think?" He replied coldly.
"Billie hunni," She cooed again, her voice at an attempt of soothing.
He stopped suddenly by the bathroom doorway, holding his ground.
"Stop. Now." He howled, clenching his fists and swivelling on the spot to face her. "Don't. Just don't ok?! DON'T you dare patronise me."
"Patronise you?" She screamed back at him, draping the duvet over her figure now to give herself some decency. "I think you're the patronising one."
Billie Joe went to say something back at her, curling his lip and glaring madly, but he held his tongue for a few seconds before re-phrasing the thought sin his head.
"Go. Now."
He headed towards the door, reaching his hand out to grasp hold of the door handle.
"I'm sorry Billie!" She suddenly wailed out, realising the situation she had become stuck in. "I'm so sorry."
"Yes, I'm sorry too." He simply replied. "Sorry because now I wish I had never even bothered to talk to you."
He turned around on his worn heels once again, leaning onto his bed and grabbing hold of Rachael's dress that slipped around his knuckles.
"What are you doing?" She yelped, her eyes widening as she watched him snatch up the piece of material.
He leaned his face closer to her, looking into her eyes and seeing his own reflection in her own beady pupils.
"I want you to go now, and I never want to see you again. And I mean never. Do you hear me?"
He acknowledged her gulp a little, leaning back a little because she was now slightly afraid of him.
"And if you even DARE to step a foot near me, Stef, Mike or Tre even, believe me - You will pay."
"But I - " She stuttered.
" No!" He yelled cutting her short. "No but's. Never no but's."
He pointed his finger at her madly, just a few inches away from her face. She stared at it, gripping hold of the duvet that was covering her tightly. Her dress still hung in his grasp, swinging everywhere as he thrust his fist at her. And with one movement, he threw her dress back at her, hitting her on the chest, making her yelp before it fell to the floor.
"I want you out of here by the time I get back. And I want you gone. Forever. Out of town. Run back to where you came from."
"I have nowhere else to go! What can I do?" She whimpered stupidly.
"I'm sure you can figure it out." He sneered heading towards the door for the final time. "You would had have to have done in the first place."
He turned his back on her, and opened the door to his room, slamming it shut and it echoing down the hallway as he left. He may have been on the verge of a hangover, but he ran down the hall and stairs, following where I had ran, his heart beating madly at a rush as he left a bewildered Rachael in his room.
And he never wanted to even think about her again.
*
The silence continued between the two of us, Billie Joe gulping and re-collecting his thoughts. It felt so hard - to fight back the bitter tears that were lurking around inside of me. They were bitter, black as the sadness and darkness I held. He opened his eyes, the skin around them damp and moist with runned eyeliner, his green pupils small and shallow, buried within his face. Out of all things I had felt for Billie Joe, this was by far the worst. The feeling of guilt, and love in a painful sense. It hurt so much, I had never felt it before.
"I love you so much Stef." He croaked, his bottom lip quivering. " And I know that I was a complete ass at the Grammies for neglecting you and treating you like shit,"
By now I was just barely holding on with all the strength I had at the moment. I wanted to leap up and hug him tight and feel him inside of me.
"But no matter how it looks, I never wanted Rachael. I just wanted you to know that. I want you to know that I never intended to and I wasn't even thinking about that at the time, because all I could think about was you Stef. I never laid a finger upon her. Because I love you Stef, I really do. And you've just got to be ok, because if you don't... if you don't... get better, then well, I'll be so lost. So lost without you babe. So lost... "
He let the tears this time fall down his drained cheeks, instead of bothering to wipe them away because he knew that it would be a waste of time - because he would only have to do it again a few minutes later.
There was another knock at the door, making me tense my muscles that were less on show at the thought that it could be Mike or Tre. I wasn't quite ready to see or even hear more than one of them at the same time.
"Sir," A polite voice cooed around the door, catching Billie Joe's attention as he squeezed my hand a little. "Sir, visiting time is over."
"Oh - " Billie Joe croaked. "Ok." Sniff. "Thank you nurse."
"No problem sir."
She exited the room, closing the door at a jar as Billie Joe leaned in towards me further, putting his free hand to my forehead, stroking the lining of my hair softly.
"I got to go now babe." He whispered disappointed. "Hang in there for me m'kay?" He paused a little, biting his bottom lip. " I love you Stef, nothing can change that. I need you. I'm so lost within myself without you and I'm sick to the heart with worry about you. Please get better soon babe. Please. You look so peaceful... "
He leaned forward over my figure and pressed his lips gently upon mine, so soft to my imagination before kissing the tops of my fingers again.
"I'll always be here for you, from the moment you wake up to the day you die. And that's my promise to you. I love you."
He stood up and stared down at me for a glance before slumping his shoulders a little and shoving his hands in his trouser pockets. He walked around my bed and held a light grip of the door handle, looking back one final time - tears forming again.
"I love you. And I'm just so sorry. For everything Stef... "
He slandered out of the door, and closed it lightly behind him, his slow footsteps becoming fainter and fainter to my ears. And then when I knew that he had finally gone, I opened my eyes - with guilt ridden tears choking me up inside. I let out a sudden sob and let myself crumble into a ball, gripping hold of the duvet over me tightly. I looked back at the door to where he had been standing about a minute ago, his presence still looming around the room, haunting me forever with his final words.
I love you. And I'm just so sorry. For everything Stef...
"The most frequent word by the Britain's is sorry. But it has been used so many times that the Britain's have forgotten its meaning and the power of it."
That's what it had said on our notice board at my school once. But then I realised that Billie Joe wasn't British, and that he truly did mean it.
He was sorry.
And that he loved me. And I loved him back with all my heart.
