A Note Don't Come Easy, chapter 35
I could feel everything falling apart around me and it was horrible. I was alive, standing and near the best to being well, and yet I was dieing inside. There were always two deaths;
The first one is the one where you die.
The second one is the one that people know about.
I was dying for the first time. The one where you die inside and yet your physically still alive. The one that goes un-noticed, and yet is the most painful.
I didn't know what to do. It just burnt a hole inside of my mind. Just not knowing where the hell he was. I was a mess; a total wreck.
In my mind I was thinking;
There must be something I can do. There must be something. Anything.
But no matter what the hell I thought of, there WAS nothing. All I could do was wait and even that seemed impossible.
"I've gotta find him." I cried suddenly, Tre and Mike looking up from the tube.
"What?"
Mike looked at me confusingly - like he had just been caught off guard doing something he shouldn't.
I rose up from my seat and in a strut, brisked towards the open door to the hanger. With my fists clenched, and knowing that I was risking everything, I made my way further and further towards the exit. The light was dull outside from the weather. It was about to rain any minute.
I heard Tre cry out from behind of me, scampering off of his chair and chasing after me.
"No! Don't!"
But something inside of me was telling me to ignore him, keep on walking and do what I had to do. Do the impossible.
Find Billie Joe.
I focused on the door in front of me, picking up the pace before he had chance to catch up with me.
"Stef! No!"
My knees buckled suddenly at the force of Tre lunging onto me and grabbing hold of me. I fell to the floor, reaching my palms out to stop myself from an injury. They slid under me as I fell forward. He wrestled me to the ground like a chained animal, as I tried with all my might to wriggle free and race out of that door.
I reached out, looking out at the world outside that was falling apart through the open door; and hoping that Billie would walk through it right now.
"No... " I screamed out, sobbing a little. "No Tre, please. I have to find him!"
"No you can't." He yelled at me in between grunts of trying to keep a grip of me. "You'll get yourself killed!"
"I don't care! As long as I know he's ok. I have to find him. I have to know that he's ok and he made it. I have to know... I have to know... "
I broke down in a sob of tears, crying out loud and letting myself fall apart for the first time today.
I had tried to keep my cool, keep things calm and try not to panic too much. Or throw myself into things further for that matter. But I was fighting a loosing battle with myself.
I could not keep calm and I could not help but think he was most probably dead.
"Billie Joe!" I screamed out the top of my lungs, still wrestled to the ground and hoping that if I yelled loud enough he would hear me, no matter how far the distance.
And that he would come running in to see what was the matter.
I waited, Tre still holding onto me and his pleads with me to stay in the hanger echoing in my mind; his voice slowly seeping through my ears. Everything around me seemed to be moving in slow motion. My own screams so loud I couldn't hear them.
I finally whittled down when I had no more energy left inside of me to scream, Tre still clinging onto me. I let myself go and closed my eyes, imagining Billie Joe in my mind.
Imagining wrapping my arms around him, holding him tight and never letting him go.
I hadn't spoken to him properly for so long. It had been 4 days now. And I couldn't remember how long it had been since I had said something nice to him. I was such a bitch. I hated it.
Hated the knowing that I had ruined everything we had, and that maybe if I had actually stopped to think Billie Joe would be safe now. Safe, well, and standing next to me watching everything unfold on the tube.
But it wasn't the case.
With the fact that Tre was still lying on the floor next to me holding me down at such a force, I curled myself up as far as I could go and started to cry. I slowly felt him release his grip on me, sitting up and gripping hold of my arms, as I stayed crumpled, tears draining down my face. He lifted me up, my eyes hidden behind my hand and the tears falling from underneath them.
I shook madly, Billie Joe forever there when I closed my eyes. Tre cradled me in his arms, rocking me backwards and forwards trying to calm me.
"Shhh," he hushed. "It'll be ok. Shhh... "
"No, it's not... Billie Joe... " I sobbed in between giant heaves. "Tre, this can't... no... he can't... Billie Joe... where's Billie Joe... ?"
I wailed uncontrollably, it being the only thing I could do right now.
"Shhh. It's ok, it's ok. Shhhhhh."
Backwards and forwards. Backwards and forwards we rocked.
I acknowledged Mike approach us, looking down on the two of us in sadness, realising it had come to this.
But if anything, this whole nightmare had proved something. And that was that I loved Billie Joe with all my heart, and it was strong. And that deep down I had had no intentions of killing myself - it had been more of an act of anger and 'revenge.' (If revenge was what I had wanted it to be.) At the time, I had wanted Billie to feel the exact same pain, anger and hurt as I was feeling. But really, it would have been cruel of me to want it to be true.
Right now it was all proving to be an act of anger, because all I wanted was to do was hold him tight and let me love him.
And hopefully he would find it somewhere in his heart to forgive me and love me back.
* * * * * * * *
I ran my fingers over the top of my knuckles, cruising them over and tightening them whilst watching the tube.
The only reason I was watching it being in case I saw Billie Joe on there. I looked down at my wrists, the sight of bandages being a little shock to me. I had totally forgotten about my slashes - all of today's events had taken over me and everything else.
"I'm... I'm gonna go, to the... ummm... toilet." I muttered, seemingly to myself as no one answered.
I heaved myself from off of my seat in front of the tube in the middle of the hanger. Dragging my feet and staring blankly down at the floor, I moved myself to the other side of the empty building to find the toilet.
Tre looked up at Mike as I disappeared, worried stiff about his best friend before looking up at his other pal for answers.
He always looked up to the bass player, and now there was nothing that the 4 string god could do to make things better at this moment. All he could say was;
"Poor kid," whilst watching me mooch off.
"Hmmmm."
Tre turned back to the tube, his eyes transfixed on the images of explosions in front of him. He hunched over, clasping his hands tightly together and narrowing his eyes.
"Come on Billie Joe. Where the hec' are ya'?"
* * * * * * * *
I walked out of the cubicle, and sundered straight towards the sink, a few feet in front of me. I'm surprised the hanger even had toilets. I had big dark circles beneath my eyes, my face pale from no make up apart from the lining of eyeliner I had put on before Mike had collected me from the hospital earlier this morning. I put my hands on the edge of the sink counter, turning the tap on and splashing cold water over my face. I closed my eyes, leaving the water to run down it. And there was Billie Joe in front of me, standing there, smiling - in his tux suit, after just having won the Grammy award for best Rock Album.
I frowned, my eyes still closed, concentrating so hard on him it hurt a little. And then he looked at me, anger, hurt and confusion in his eyes as tears started to fall down. The same look he had adopted at the Grammies when I had shouted at him, denying that there ever was a relationship between us, accusing him of not feeling anything. He blinked, before turning around and walking away, his head hanging low.
No, no don't go. Billie Joe please come back. Please.
And then he turned back around as if he had read my mind. He reached out his hands, and I saw that they were covered in blood.
My blood.
It was all over his face and suit, and it was mine, all mine. My guilt, my pain. My dirty work. He started to walk towards me, hands outstretched and blood clearly in view. Reminding me of what I had done.
I suddenly opened my eyes, my breath taken in, looking up in the mirror and seeing myself look back as I had that night at the Grammies after I had ran to the toilets crying. The old woman's voice rang through my mind, after she had found Billie Joe and I in the toilet together.
"Oh it's you. What's the matter? Boyfriend ditched you, has he?"
I stared at myself in the mirror, hating every inch of me. My reflection growled back, but the one I hated. It was the Stef that had been at the Grammies, the one who had ruined everything.
"Fucked it up for good now haven't you?" It snarled back at me.
I yelled back at it, clamping my eyes shut. "Shut up!"
It was all in my head and I knew it. All I was doing was shouting at myself in the mirror. My mind and conscience were playing tricks on me. I was seeing things that I shouldn't be.
"You're nothing but a waste of space!" The voice of myself shouted in my head again.
"Go away! Leave me alone!"
My own voice rang through my mind; playing on me and the memories of that night at the Grammies torturing me as all the things I had said or done repeated over and over.
"Tre, if Billie Joe rejects me then I'll crumble. I'll... fall apart. I won't be able to live anymore."
I put my hands to my head, whimpering before opening my eyes again and looking back into the mirror to see Billie Joe staring back at me. My eyes widened as I stared back, wondering if this was all too haunting to be something I was just imagining. I continued to stare at him, waiting for something to be said.
"And that man, that man who is going to look after you and keep you safe, wants you to know that he NEVER wants to let you go, and that he will always love you forever."
The reflection talked back to me.
"No... Billie Joe, I... " I started to sob to myself staring at him, when in reality it was only myself standing there. "I... I'm so sorry, I never meant to hurt you... please forgive me... please... "
I looked down, hunched over in the sink and letting the tears let gravity pull them into the basin.
"What's wrong? Lover boy got your tongue?"
I suddenly stopped, shooting my head up and seeing Jimmy smirking back at me. I bit my bottom lip, hating the sight of him, my breathing becoming deeper by the moment in rage.
"Fuck off Jimmy!" I barked back, glaring at him - again nothing being there in real life but my own reflection.
"I knew you two were a fucked up pair when I saw you together in the parking lot holding hands. You were vulnerable and stupid and he was a killer and a man whore."
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" I screamed suddenly, thrashing my hand under the tap that was still running from where I had splashed water on my face and splashing it onto the mirror.
I screamed out in madness, constantly throwing the water onto the mirror at Jimmy.
"Just fuck off fuck off fuck off!"
I grunted and squealed madly as the water rippled down the glass. I threw my hands onto the mirror, slipping and sliding the water everywhere, trying to wash the reflection off, scratching at it. Shaking, I scratched away at the glass, pulling my hands finally away once the tips of my fingers started to sore. I stepped back and looked at myself, the real reflection, nobody else's. I stared at myself, realising that I was no longer my true self. I was now so lost that I no longer knew who I was.
I had lost my identity - I was a nobody.
* * * * * * * *
I walked out back into the hanger, letting the door close lightly behind me. I hung my head low, not wanting Mike or Tre to see that I had been crying. But before I could reach them, I saw Tre stand up out the corner of my eye. I slowly looked up at him, wondering why he was looking so scared whilst walking towards me. Mike nudged him on, watching behind, his bottom lip quivering a little. I stopped and looked at him hard as he continued to approach him, looking over at Mike too.
"What's wrong?" I asked, starting to panic again.
Tre clasped his hand around my arm so I couldn't run away, and took me to the side.
"Come here," he choked, not even looking at me.
"Tre... ?"
He sat me down in chair, forcing me a little into it, sitting in one opposite me himself before finally looking up.
"Erm... " he grumbled, a little taken back.
I sat with my hands in my lap, clasped together, looking deeper and deeper into him.
"Tre... what's wrong... ?"
"There's been another explosion... "
I didn't say anything, I just sat there in silence not knowing what to say or think. He looked at me, waiting for a reaction but I gave him none. He opened his mouth to speak again.
"It's the biggest one yet. It erm... " he wiped under his eyes. "It's... it hit just a couple of minutes away from here. And, um... "
By now he could not even look at me, covering his forehead with his hand, which was resting on his knee.
"If Billie Joe, umm... had made it, then he most probably... hasn't... now... "
"No... " I whispered, my mind shutting down. "No... "
"I'm so sorry Stef. I don't think... think he's gonna make it... "
"Your wrong." I told him, the harsh tears stinging my eyes once again. "He can't be dead."
"Stef," he leaned forward and placed his hands on top of mine. He looked at me with tears in his own eyes. "That explosion was big. Don't think that it stopped to think about how many lives it took, or how much those people meant to the rest of us."
"He can't be dead Tre, he just can't!" I cried, looking at him. "He can't, I have to tell him I'm sorry, and that I never meant to hurt him or cut myself!"
"It's not easy I know Stef but all I'm saying is that nearly everyone's dead out there. Wiped out. He was my best friend too! I'm trying to hold on, but there's no good in pretending everything's ok, because it's far from ok Stef. Far from ok. And you know it."
He looked at me, tears streaming down his face and reddening his cheeks, breaking my heart in two at both the sight of him and the thought that Billie Joe was dead.
"No!" I screamed, shaking my head a little before proceeding to shake it violently from side to side. "No! He's not dead. He's still alive, I can feel it! He just can't be, he hasn't heard what I have to say yet, he has to be ok. He's alive, and he's gonna come back I know it!"
I stood up, wanting to walk away from what was most probably the truth - the thing I least wanted to hear.
"Stef, please... " Tre whimpered, looking up at me, his hands now midair from where they had been resting on top of mine.
Then my heart took over mind and I let it control me.
"BILLIE JOE!!!" I screamed out, running towards the door like hell, my heart beating madly.
"Stef! NO! You'll get yourself killed out there! Don't do it!" Tre raced after me for the second time today, grabbing hold of my arm and swinging me back as I tried to rip free of him.
"Stef!" Mike yelled out, running over to us, almost tripping over his chair as he jumped off of it.
"Are you crazy?!" Tre yelled at me, grabbing both of my arms now and looking into my eyes.
But I refused, looking down and shutting my eyes to only find Billie Joe there again.
"You think going out there's gonna make things better?! It'll just make things worse! Going out there will break you, you'll get killed. It's carnage you don't need to step into! You hear me? Stef? Stef!?"
He shook me violently, trying to knock some sense into me but I just looked away. I couldn't look him in the eye.
"Do you understand?!"
"No! I DON'T UNDERSTAND!" I screamed at him. "I DON'T WANNA ACCEPT IT! I don't wanna hear that Billie Joe's dead, because he's not! He can't be! He promised he'd always be here for me Tre! And I believe him! Because now I've realised, now I've fucking realised what an arse I've been, and that he DOES love me and that I was so god dam stupid before to do all those things to him! And he has to hear me out, because... if he doesn't... then... then... then I'll never be able to forgive myself! And he promised Tre... he promised me... he can't go... he just can't... "
By now my screams had turned into sobs and whimpers as I cried hysterically, Tre wrapping himself around me, hugging me tighter than he had ever before.
"He promised Tre... he promised... he fucking promised... he promised... "
"I'm so sorry," he cried too. "For everything, I wish he was alright too... I wanna wake up and say this was all a dream, but it's not... "
"Me too, me too... " I groaned, not being able to see from the mass of tears that were logging my eyes. "He just has to be ok Tre, if I lose Billie Joe, I'll... crumble. I won't be able to cope. Don't let him die please, I'll do anything... ."
Tre gulped, my words being another constant reminder of the incidents that too place at the Grammies.
I broke down, letting go of all my limbs and sliding down in Tre's arms, causing him to hold onto me and lift me back up to my weak legs.
"Stef, please... " Tre screamed between tears. "There's nothing we can do, it's bad Stef. I don't want him to die either, you think that's what I want?"
"He may not be dead yet," Mike added in, trying to make things sound better as he edged towards us. "There may be still the chance."
"He's not dead!" I screamed at them, gritting my teeth and tasting the salty tears down my face and on my lips.
"Stef, listen to Mike," Tre pleaded, looking into my eyes and desperately keeping a hold of me.
"No! He's out there, waiting and we have to find him!" I yelled, pointing to the door. "He's waiting for us and that's why he hasn't turned up, because he needs our help!"
I tried to run towards the door, starting at a sprint and dragging Tre with me for a few feet at the sudden force.
"Stef!" Tre yelped, stumbling a little before pulling me back once again. "Don't do this. You know it's the wrong thing to go out running like that! You won't come back!"
"Yes I will!"
"NO YOU WON'T!"
He grabbed both of my arms at such a force and looked me in the eye, staring at me.
"You CAN'T go out there! You hear me? I can't bear the thought of loosing Billie Joe, but you... if you're taken away too then I, I won't be able to cope, alright? You can't be taken away too... "
And then I saw it in him, saw it in his eyes. Saw that he wasn't lying, and that he was shit scared. More than he was showing. I saw his fear and it scared me. I saw the worry that was pumping inside of him, worried that he would loose me as well as Billie Joe.
I looked up at him, realising how stupid I was being (once again.) All I seemed to be doing was thinking about myself, and what I wanted. I stared into his eyes, my bottom lip trembling before hanging my head in shame. Then my tears turned from anger and confusion to sadness and grief of loss. I let out a sob, Tre kissing my forehead and hugging me tight, nuzzling his head into the back of my neck. I grabbed hold of him so tight, like it was Billie Joe.
He couldn't be dead. He just couldn't. This was Billie Joe. The Billie Joe I loved, the one that I had to apologise to. The Billie Joe that had taken me in and made me his. Billie Joe was my life. And now he was gone.
Tre let out a cry, taking his breath back, griping hold of my heart. Never before had I seen him cry like this. And then I looked up from holding onto him, to see a tear fall down Mike's cheek. Mike was crying.
Mike was crying.
Billie Joe was gone.
I closed my eyes, my whole world crashing down on me. I swallowed back my cries, causing me to choke every now and again - letting the tears silently fall and dampening Tre's shoulder. He squeezed me tight suddenly, whispering into my ear.
"Billie Joe... "
"I know... " I sobbed, blinking. "He's gone... and I never got to say how sorry I was... and that I loved him... "
"No... " Tre cried, pulling me away from him, turning me around and pointing at the door. "Billie Joe... "
I shot my head in an instance at the door, following his pointing. My eyes widened as my heart thrashed inside of me and my stomach lurched. I held my breath, my flow of tears cutting short and Tre placing his hands on my shoulders.
And there he was, staggering into the hanger doorway, coughing up his guts and clutching hold of his side. He stopped, leaning in the doorway and catching his breath. He was covered in debris, dust and blood. He coughed and spat out on the floor, shuddering and closing his eyes. Then he looked up, supporting several marks across his face, his eyes full of terror and torment.
He looked at me, his whole body shuddering in shock before his eyes rolled into the back of his head and collapsing onto the floor.
The first one is the one where you die.
The second one is the one that people know about.
I was dying for the first time. The one where you die inside and yet your physically still alive. The one that goes un-noticed, and yet is the most painful.
I didn't know what to do. It just burnt a hole inside of my mind. Just not knowing where the hell he was. I was a mess; a total wreck.
In my mind I was thinking;
There must be something I can do. There must be something. Anything.
But no matter what the hell I thought of, there WAS nothing. All I could do was wait and even that seemed impossible.
"I've gotta find him." I cried suddenly, Tre and Mike looking up from the tube.
"What?"
Mike looked at me confusingly - like he had just been caught off guard doing something he shouldn't.
I rose up from my seat and in a strut, brisked towards the open door to the hanger. With my fists clenched, and knowing that I was risking everything, I made my way further and further towards the exit. The light was dull outside from the weather. It was about to rain any minute.
I heard Tre cry out from behind of me, scampering off of his chair and chasing after me.
"No! Don't!"
But something inside of me was telling me to ignore him, keep on walking and do what I had to do. Do the impossible.
Find Billie Joe.
I focused on the door in front of me, picking up the pace before he had chance to catch up with me.
"Stef! No!"
My knees buckled suddenly at the force of Tre lunging onto me and grabbing hold of me. I fell to the floor, reaching my palms out to stop myself from an injury. They slid under me as I fell forward. He wrestled me to the ground like a chained animal, as I tried with all my might to wriggle free and race out of that door.
I reached out, looking out at the world outside that was falling apart through the open door; and hoping that Billie would walk through it right now.
"No... " I screamed out, sobbing a little. "No Tre, please. I have to find him!"
"No you can't." He yelled at me in between grunts of trying to keep a grip of me. "You'll get yourself killed!"
"I don't care! As long as I know he's ok. I have to find him. I have to know that he's ok and he made it. I have to know... I have to know... "
I broke down in a sob of tears, crying out loud and letting myself fall apart for the first time today.
I had tried to keep my cool, keep things calm and try not to panic too much. Or throw myself into things further for that matter. But I was fighting a loosing battle with myself.
I could not keep calm and I could not help but think he was most probably dead.
"Billie Joe!" I screamed out the top of my lungs, still wrestled to the ground and hoping that if I yelled loud enough he would hear me, no matter how far the distance.
And that he would come running in to see what was the matter.
I waited, Tre still holding onto me and his pleads with me to stay in the hanger echoing in my mind; his voice slowly seeping through my ears. Everything around me seemed to be moving in slow motion. My own screams so loud I couldn't hear them.
I finally whittled down when I had no more energy left inside of me to scream, Tre still clinging onto me. I let myself go and closed my eyes, imagining Billie Joe in my mind.
Imagining wrapping my arms around him, holding him tight and never letting him go.
I hadn't spoken to him properly for so long. It had been 4 days now. And I couldn't remember how long it had been since I had said something nice to him. I was such a bitch. I hated it.
Hated the knowing that I had ruined everything we had, and that maybe if I had actually stopped to think Billie Joe would be safe now. Safe, well, and standing next to me watching everything unfold on the tube.
But it wasn't the case.
With the fact that Tre was still lying on the floor next to me holding me down at such a force, I curled myself up as far as I could go and started to cry. I slowly felt him release his grip on me, sitting up and gripping hold of my arms, as I stayed crumpled, tears draining down my face. He lifted me up, my eyes hidden behind my hand and the tears falling from underneath them.
I shook madly, Billie Joe forever there when I closed my eyes. Tre cradled me in his arms, rocking me backwards and forwards trying to calm me.
"Shhh," he hushed. "It'll be ok. Shhh... "
"No, it's not... Billie Joe... " I sobbed in between giant heaves. "Tre, this can't... no... he can't... Billie Joe... where's Billie Joe... ?"
I wailed uncontrollably, it being the only thing I could do right now.
"Shhh. It's ok, it's ok. Shhhhhh."
Backwards and forwards. Backwards and forwards we rocked.
I acknowledged Mike approach us, looking down on the two of us in sadness, realising it had come to this.
But if anything, this whole nightmare had proved something. And that was that I loved Billie Joe with all my heart, and it was strong. And that deep down I had had no intentions of killing myself - it had been more of an act of anger and 'revenge.' (If revenge was what I had wanted it to be.) At the time, I had wanted Billie to feel the exact same pain, anger and hurt as I was feeling. But really, it would have been cruel of me to want it to be true.
Right now it was all proving to be an act of anger, because all I wanted was to do was hold him tight and let me love him.
And hopefully he would find it somewhere in his heart to forgive me and love me back.
* * * * * * * *
I ran my fingers over the top of my knuckles, cruising them over and tightening them whilst watching the tube.
The only reason I was watching it being in case I saw Billie Joe on there. I looked down at my wrists, the sight of bandages being a little shock to me. I had totally forgotten about my slashes - all of today's events had taken over me and everything else.
"I'm... I'm gonna go, to the... ummm... toilet." I muttered, seemingly to myself as no one answered.
I heaved myself from off of my seat in front of the tube in the middle of the hanger. Dragging my feet and staring blankly down at the floor, I moved myself to the other side of the empty building to find the toilet.
Tre looked up at Mike as I disappeared, worried stiff about his best friend before looking up at his other pal for answers.
He always looked up to the bass player, and now there was nothing that the 4 string god could do to make things better at this moment. All he could say was;
"Poor kid," whilst watching me mooch off.
"Hmmmm."
Tre turned back to the tube, his eyes transfixed on the images of explosions in front of him. He hunched over, clasping his hands tightly together and narrowing his eyes.
"Come on Billie Joe. Where the hec' are ya'?"
* * * * * * * *
I walked out of the cubicle, and sundered straight towards the sink, a few feet in front of me. I'm surprised the hanger even had toilets. I had big dark circles beneath my eyes, my face pale from no make up apart from the lining of eyeliner I had put on before Mike had collected me from the hospital earlier this morning. I put my hands on the edge of the sink counter, turning the tap on and splashing cold water over my face. I closed my eyes, leaving the water to run down it. And there was Billie Joe in front of me, standing there, smiling - in his tux suit, after just having won the Grammy award for best Rock Album.
I frowned, my eyes still closed, concentrating so hard on him it hurt a little. And then he looked at me, anger, hurt and confusion in his eyes as tears started to fall down. The same look he had adopted at the Grammies when I had shouted at him, denying that there ever was a relationship between us, accusing him of not feeling anything. He blinked, before turning around and walking away, his head hanging low.
No, no don't go. Billie Joe please come back. Please.
And then he turned back around as if he had read my mind. He reached out his hands, and I saw that they were covered in blood.
My blood.
It was all over his face and suit, and it was mine, all mine. My guilt, my pain. My dirty work. He started to walk towards me, hands outstretched and blood clearly in view. Reminding me of what I had done.
I suddenly opened my eyes, my breath taken in, looking up in the mirror and seeing myself look back as I had that night at the Grammies after I had ran to the toilets crying. The old woman's voice rang through my mind, after she had found Billie Joe and I in the toilet together.
"Oh it's you. What's the matter? Boyfriend ditched you, has he?"
I stared at myself in the mirror, hating every inch of me. My reflection growled back, but the one I hated. It was the Stef that had been at the Grammies, the one who had ruined everything.
"Fucked it up for good now haven't you?" It snarled back at me.
I yelled back at it, clamping my eyes shut. "Shut up!"
It was all in my head and I knew it. All I was doing was shouting at myself in the mirror. My mind and conscience were playing tricks on me. I was seeing things that I shouldn't be.
"You're nothing but a waste of space!" The voice of myself shouted in my head again.
"Go away! Leave me alone!"
My own voice rang through my mind; playing on me and the memories of that night at the Grammies torturing me as all the things I had said or done repeated over and over.
"Tre, if Billie Joe rejects me then I'll crumble. I'll... fall apart. I won't be able to live anymore."
I put my hands to my head, whimpering before opening my eyes again and looking back into the mirror to see Billie Joe staring back at me. My eyes widened as I stared back, wondering if this was all too haunting to be something I was just imagining. I continued to stare at him, waiting for something to be said.
"And that man, that man who is going to look after you and keep you safe, wants you to know that he NEVER wants to let you go, and that he will always love you forever."
The reflection talked back to me.
"No... Billie Joe, I... " I started to sob to myself staring at him, when in reality it was only myself standing there. "I... I'm so sorry, I never meant to hurt you... please forgive me... please... "
I looked down, hunched over in the sink and letting the tears let gravity pull them into the basin.
"What's wrong? Lover boy got your tongue?"
I suddenly stopped, shooting my head up and seeing Jimmy smirking back at me. I bit my bottom lip, hating the sight of him, my breathing becoming deeper by the moment in rage.
"Fuck off Jimmy!" I barked back, glaring at him - again nothing being there in real life but my own reflection.
"I knew you two were a fucked up pair when I saw you together in the parking lot holding hands. You were vulnerable and stupid and he was a killer and a man whore."
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" I screamed suddenly, thrashing my hand under the tap that was still running from where I had splashed water on my face and splashing it onto the mirror.
I screamed out in madness, constantly throwing the water onto the mirror at Jimmy.
"Just fuck off fuck off fuck off!"
I grunted and squealed madly as the water rippled down the glass. I threw my hands onto the mirror, slipping and sliding the water everywhere, trying to wash the reflection off, scratching at it. Shaking, I scratched away at the glass, pulling my hands finally away once the tips of my fingers started to sore. I stepped back and looked at myself, the real reflection, nobody else's. I stared at myself, realising that I was no longer my true self. I was now so lost that I no longer knew who I was.
I had lost my identity - I was a nobody.
* * * * * * * *
I walked out back into the hanger, letting the door close lightly behind me. I hung my head low, not wanting Mike or Tre to see that I had been crying. But before I could reach them, I saw Tre stand up out the corner of my eye. I slowly looked up at him, wondering why he was looking so scared whilst walking towards me. Mike nudged him on, watching behind, his bottom lip quivering a little. I stopped and looked at him hard as he continued to approach him, looking over at Mike too.
"What's wrong?" I asked, starting to panic again.
Tre clasped his hand around my arm so I couldn't run away, and took me to the side.
"Come here," he choked, not even looking at me.
"Tre... ?"
He sat me down in chair, forcing me a little into it, sitting in one opposite me himself before finally looking up.
"Erm... " he grumbled, a little taken back.
I sat with my hands in my lap, clasped together, looking deeper and deeper into him.
"Tre... what's wrong... ?"
"There's been another explosion... "
I didn't say anything, I just sat there in silence not knowing what to say or think. He looked at me, waiting for a reaction but I gave him none. He opened his mouth to speak again.
"It's the biggest one yet. It erm... " he wiped under his eyes. "It's... it hit just a couple of minutes away from here. And, um... "
By now he could not even look at me, covering his forehead with his hand, which was resting on his knee.
"If Billie Joe, umm... had made it, then he most probably... hasn't... now... "
"No... " I whispered, my mind shutting down. "No... "
"I'm so sorry Stef. I don't think... think he's gonna make it... "
"Your wrong." I told him, the harsh tears stinging my eyes once again. "He can't be dead."
"Stef," he leaned forward and placed his hands on top of mine. He looked at me with tears in his own eyes. "That explosion was big. Don't think that it stopped to think about how many lives it took, or how much those people meant to the rest of us."
"He can't be dead Tre, he just can't!" I cried, looking at him. "He can't, I have to tell him I'm sorry, and that I never meant to hurt him or cut myself!"
"It's not easy I know Stef but all I'm saying is that nearly everyone's dead out there. Wiped out. He was my best friend too! I'm trying to hold on, but there's no good in pretending everything's ok, because it's far from ok Stef. Far from ok. And you know it."
He looked at me, tears streaming down his face and reddening his cheeks, breaking my heart in two at both the sight of him and the thought that Billie Joe was dead.
"No!" I screamed, shaking my head a little before proceeding to shake it violently from side to side. "No! He's not dead. He's still alive, I can feel it! He just can't be, he hasn't heard what I have to say yet, he has to be ok. He's alive, and he's gonna come back I know it!"
I stood up, wanting to walk away from what was most probably the truth - the thing I least wanted to hear.
"Stef, please... " Tre whimpered, looking up at me, his hands now midair from where they had been resting on top of mine.
Then my heart took over mind and I let it control me.
"BILLIE JOE!!!" I screamed out, running towards the door like hell, my heart beating madly.
"Stef! NO! You'll get yourself killed out there! Don't do it!" Tre raced after me for the second time today, grabbing hold of my arm and swinging me back as I tried to rip free of him.
"Stef!" Mike yelled out, running over to us, almost tripping over his chair as he jumped off of it.
"Are you crazy?!" Tre yelled at me, grabbing both of my arms now and looking into my eyes.
But I refused, looking down and shutting my eyes to only find Billie Joe there again.
"You think going out there's gonna make things better?! It'll just make things worse! Going out there will break you, you'll get killed. It's carnage you don't need to step into! You hear me? Stef? Stef!?"
He shook me violently, trying to knock some sense into me but I just looked away. I couldn't look him in the eye.
"Do you understand?!"
"No! I DON'T UNDERSTAND!" I screamed at him. "I DON'T WANNA ACCEPT IT! I don't wanna hear that Billie Joe's dead, because he's not! He can't be! He promised he'd always be here for me Tre! And I believe him! Because now I've realised, now I've fucking realised what an arse I've been, and that he DOES love me and that I was so god dam stupid before to do all those things to him! And he has to hear me out, because... if he doesn't... then... then... then I'll never be able to forgive myself! And he promised Tre... he promised me... he can't go... he just can't... "
By now my screams had turned into sobs and whimpers as I cried hysterically, Tre wrapping himself around me, hugging me tighter than he had ever before.
"He promised Tre... he promised... he fucking promised... he promised... "
"I'm so sorry," he cried too. "For everything, I wish he was alright too... I wanna wake up and say this was all a dream, but it's not... "
"Me too, me too... " I groaned, not being able to see from the mass of tears that were logging my eyes. "He just has to be ok Tre, if I lose Billie Joe, I'll... crumble. I won't be able to cope. Don't let him die please, I'll do anything... ."
Tre gulped, my words being another constant reminder of the incidents that too place at the Grammies.
I broke down, letting go of all my limbs and sliding down in Tre's arms, causing him to hold onto me and lift me back up to my weak legs.
"Stef, please... " Tre screamed between tears. "There's nothing we can do, it's bad Stef. I don't want him to die either, you think that's what I want?"
"He may not be dead yet," Mike added in, trying to make things sound better as he edged towards us. "There may be still the chance."
"He's not dead!" I screamed at them, gritting my teeth and tasting the salty tears down my face and on my lips.
"Stef, listen to Mike," Tre pleaded, looking into my eyes and desperately keeping a hold of me.
"No! He's out there, waiting and we have to find him!" I yelled, pointing to the door. "He's waiting for us and that's why he hasn't turned up, because he needs our help!"
I tried to run towards the door, starting at a sprint and dragging Tre with me for a few feet at the sudden force.
"Stef!" Tre yelped, stumbling a little before pulling me back once again. "Don't do this. You know it's the wrong thing to go out running like that! You won't come back!"
"Yes I will!"
"NO YOU WON'T!"
He grabbed both of my arms at such a force and looked me in the eye, staring at me.
"You CAN'T go out there! You hear me? I can't bear the thought of loosing Billie Joe, but you... if you're taken away too then I, I won't be able to cope, alright? You can't be taken away too... "
And then I saw it in him, saw it in his eyes. Saw that he wasn't lying, and that he was shit scared. More than he was showing. I saw his fear and it scared me. I saw the worry that was pumping inside of him, worried that he would loose me as well as Billie Joe.
I looked up at him, realising how stupid I was being (once again.) All I seemed to be doing was thinking about myself, and what I wanted. I stared into his eyes, my bottom lip trembling before hanging my head in shame. Then my tears turned from anger and confusion to sadness and grief of loss. I let out a sob, Tre kissing my forehead and hugging me tight, nuzzling his head into the back of my neck. I grabbed hold of him so tight, like it was Billie Joe.
He couldn't be dead. He just couldn't. This was Billie Joe. The Billie Joe I loved, the one that I had to apologise to. The Billie Joe that had taken me in and made me his. Billie Joe was my life. And now he was gone.
Tre let out a cry, taking his breath back, griping hold of my heart. Never before had I seen him cry like this. And then I looked up from holding onto him, to see a tear fall down Mike's cheek. Mike was crying.
Mike was crying.
Billie Joe was gone.
I closed my eyes, my whole world crashing down on me. I swallowed back my cries, causing me to choke every now and again - letting the tears silently fall and dampening Tre's shoulder. He squeezed me tight suddenly, whispering into my ear.
"Billie Joe... "
"I know... " I sobbed, blinking. "He's gone... and I never got to say how sorry I was... and that I loved him... "
"No... " Tre cried, pulling me away from him, turning me around and pointing at the door. "Billie Joe... "
I shot my head in an instance at the door, following his pointing. My eyes widened as my heart thrashed inside of me and my stomach lurched. I held my breath, my flow of tears cutting short and Tre placing his hands on my shoulders.
And there he was, staggering into the hanger doorway, coughing up his guts and clutching hold of his side. He stopped, leaning in the doorway and catching his breath. He was covered in debris, dust and blood. He coughed and spat out on the floor, shuddering and closing his eyes. Then he looked up, supporting several marks across his face, his eyes full of terror and torment.
He looked at me, his whole body shuddering in shock before his eyes rolled into the back of his head and collapsing onto the floor.
