A Note Don't Come Easy, chapter 36
My heart seemed non-existent as I saw him collapse onto the floor in a heap, a mark blood here and there as well as on his hands. Tre suddenly tightened his grip around my arm, in both shock and in instant reaction of tensing his whole body.
Mike was the one to make a move and run towards the broken man on the floor in the hanger doorway. Nobody said anything; all that could be heard in the distance were the sounds of many sirens and Mike's running footsteps echoing.
He towered over the blooded Billie Joe, leaning over and clasping his strong hands underneath the guitarists own - trying to hoist him up. Billie Joe let out a moan as his friend attempted to lift him up. He choked, probably on his own vomit or blood, opening his dazed eyes and looking at the floor in a haze - constantly shaking.
"Come on man... " Mike whispered to his friend, still in shock at the sight of Billie Joe.
Just to see him in this state broke me. But all I kept thinking was;
Shit. He's hurt; he's going to die. Somebody do something.
When really I should have been thanking God that he was still alive, because it seemed like he was the only who actually had made from the carnage outside.
He had been attacked b his own hatred for war.
Bush's dirty work.
Now I understood them completely about their hate for the President. Now I too hated the guy.
I put my hand over my mouth, not being able to take it in. I felt Tre shudder a little behind me, before he whispered to himself;
"Shit... "
My breath cut short and I let out a gasp as I watched Mike lift the other man to his feet, stumbling and staggering as his bruises prevented him from being able to stand. Mike cupped his hands under Billie's arms, flinging his limp arm over his shoulder and neck to take away the pressure and strain.
Tre moved away, joining Mike on the opposite of Billie's and supporting him under the arm too so there would be no need for him to attempt to walk. The two of them walked towards a chair, Billie Joe limp between them, his feet dragging along the floor. His head hung low, his face sweating and dripping, his hairline hanging over his eyes in a cold sweat.
With one arm Tre pulled a chair out into a space, moving Billie's aching body over to sit him down. They scooted him over, lifting him up a bit, causing him to trip over his own feet and stumble - both Mike and Tre grabbing hold of him before he had chance to fall to the floor.
"Woa, woa, whoa... "
"Come on now, it's ok... " Mike whispered gently to him as they lowered him into the seat carefully.
Billie's limbs fell either side of him, his head hanging low. Mike crouched down, resting his hand on Billie's knee whist looking at him with all the care in the world.
"Billie... " he murmured softly, hoping to find something out.
Billie Joe just sat there motionless, slouched in the chair and paralysed.
"Bill... "
Mike rubbed his knee a little, looking under the punk rocker's hanging head and studying his broken profile.
"What happened to you?"
At this, Billie Joe slowly raised his head, still shuddering - and looked at his friend. Mike didn't have to ask anymore. His eyes said it all. Billie gave him a look with those terrified and sorrowed eyes - one that cannot describe the torment he had suffered and that said you-have-no-idea. And it made Mike cold.
For him to look into his eyes and know that his friend, Billie Joe Armstrong, the Green Day front man had been caught up amongst a terror attack.
Billie Joe sat with a cup perched in his hands, yet untouched, with Tre's blazer hanging loose over his shoulders to warm him up. He sat in the same chair, and hadn't moved since he had been put there. The cup had been forced into his hands, and the blazer had been placed over him without even a reaction. Motionless, he stared at the floor, his eyes fixed upon one spot - still in a constant haze. He had known my presence, but he had barely talked to anyone.
"He needs to go to the hospital." Tre muttered to Mike, as the three of us stood a few feet away, looking over him.
"Hmmm... " the bass player replied. "There's no way we could though. The city's fucked."
"I forgot about that... "
Tre scratched the back of his neck, sighing deeply. "At least we know he's safe, here with us and that he's ok."
"But that's the thing. Is he ok?"
Mike's question left a silence amongst us. "He hasn't moved."
"Or talked... "
We all looked at him, sitting there gormless as the tube flickered in front of him, but staring at the floor. The sounds of sirens, screams and explosions repeated over and over again on the tube, and all Billie could was think about how he had managed to survive it.
I was there. I was there.
I looked over at him, wanting to hug him so tight, and erase all the pain for him. But I didn't work magic like that. I paused, thinking it over before opening my mouth to speak.
"I'm gonna go speak to him."
Mike and Tre immediately shot their heads at me, surprised that I had spoke because for the last hour I had been just as quiet as Billie Joe. I had gone from screaming to silence.
Mike blinked at me before asking;
"Wait, are you sure?"
I just nodded, staring at the ground. It just felt awkward, watching him sit there, still wrapped up in it all.
They watched as I took in a deep breath, my shoulders rising in the process. I swung my arms a little as I started to walk slowly towards him - mentally preparing myself to face him for the first time since I had left him at the Grammies, and had tried to kill myself.
Approaching him carefully, I grasped hold of the chair next to him and perched myself on it. I went un-noticed to him, as he didn't even flinch when I appeared by his side. I looked at him hard, wondering what the hell I was going to say to the man who had just survived a terrorist attack.
"Billie... " I whispered finding the courage to say something.
He looked so fragile; I didn't want to hurt him anymore.
"Are... are you ok?"
Fucking stupid question.
He slowly turned his head to look at me, and he took my breath away and soul away. His eyes glinted in the light from the never falling tears. I swallowed hard, not knowing how to react.
He turned back and continued to stare at the floor. I gulped, hesitating to put my hand on his knee but it had no effect.
"Billie... "
He closed his eyes and breathed deeply. There was a long pause, with just me and him sitting there, not saying a word or moving. It was like I could feel his pain through just touching his knee. Then without a warning, he opened his mouth to speak for the first time.
"You know, I actually thought I was done for in there... "
I raised my head surprised and watched him carefully. He spoke softly, still in a trance and his voice kept low. I didn't answer. The best thing I could do for him was listen.
"There were - bodies... everywhere... I was thrown... on top of one at - one point... "
I felt my stomach muscles tense, sickened.
"I had been speaking to her minutes before... and then she was - gone. Just like that... "
He recollected his thoughts for a moment, smiling a little at the thought.
"I had stopped on the way to the studios... to buy you some... um... flowers to give to you later. I knew you were coming out of hospital today, and that Mike was picking you up. I would have come but I was just... "
He sighed. "I just didn't have the guts to face you yet."
I felt tears start to surface, as I looked at him, unable to keep control of my emotions. As he continued to tell his story, his eyes never moved from staring mid-space, transfixed and possibly reliving it all in his mind.
"So I stopped and bought you flowers and got back in my taxi. There had been a... erm... queue at the stall so I was about 20 minutes behind the others. I knew I was going to be late, but the traffic was just... so bad. Then, about halfway there - I felt something exploded behind me. My neck burned... I got out of the taxi... I don't remember much... just smoke, confusion - and screaming. Lots of screaming. People screaming and jumping out of their cars to run."
I narrowed my eyes, trying to imagine the whole thing within my mind - but it was nothing compared to Billie Joe's.
"I just... couldn't believe it. I was there, standing... and I could see it... all. I remember running, and all I kept thinking was that - I had to get out. Find someone, anyone. Get to the studios. That was my goal, that's what kept me going... At the time I didn't understand what was happening. Whether it was a terrorist attack, gas explosion or something. I started to ask around, but nobody knew what was happening. All I knew was that I had to get out. I remember the woman next to me crying, and she was so scared. I tried to comfort her, telling her that we would find a way out and that we would soon be safe. She held onto me for dear life, I was all that she had to keep her going. I told her we wound find a way out, but everything we tried... it was just madness. And then... then it happened... there was a flash and smoke. I felt the ground shake underneath me and I was thrown somewhere. I can't remember how long I had been out for, but when I woke up I couldn't get up. It hurt too much... and then I realised that we were all tangled up, both dead and alive - trapped. I looked down, and... and... "
He started to sob.
"There she was... the girl who I had stayed with. Dead. Underneath me, and I was lying on top of her. I couldn't move, I was stuck with her. And then I started to cry for her. Cry for her because there was no one else there to do it and grieve for her. I couldn't understand it. One minute, I was talking to her, and then the next - I'm lying on top of her and... she's, she's dead."
At this point he turned to look at me, and I saw the tears in his eyes. And yet he was talking about it as if it were nothing - like reading from a book. But it was far from that.
"I thought I was gonna die. I thought that I would never see anyone ever again. It had grown dark, and... I was... I was scared. I thought I was never going to see you again. See my wife or kids. Play the guitar, sing another note. And then I realised, that nobody was coming. That nobody was going to come and help because... they couldn't, and that I had to save myself if I wanted to live. So... I... I forced my way through - walked over dead bodies, trod on dead bodies, saw parts of bodies, tasted blood on my lips... "
I saw his bottom lip tremble, as he looked at me, never taking his eyes away. A single tear he let to fall down of his face instead of rejecting it.
"And I was so scared... so scared Stef... "
I leaned forward towards him and replaced my hand on his knee, firmer this time.
"Billie... baby... "
"I wanted to cry so much," he wailed, the tears now not being able to stop. "All I kept thinking about was how sorry I was and how much I had fucked up and wasted time... "
"Billie - stop please... " I sobbed, grabbing hold of his hand with my other.
"But I tried to hold on - "
"Billie Joe don't... "
Then he slipped his hand our from underneath mine, and reached inside of his tattered grey blazer to pull out a single battered rose from the bunch of flowers he had bought for me earlier that day. I looked at it in horror as he handed it over to me in his hand. I lost all contact with the world as he gave it to me, and all I could do was stare at it and cry.
"I'm so sorry... " he whispered as I cried hysterically, looking at the tattered flower in my hand.
I looked up at him, and saw his tears and sadness.
"Please forgive Stef... "
I trembled, wanting to be sick. Then I took the plunge.
"Oh Billie... "
I suddenly flung my arms around him and held him tight, the tears never stopping from either of us. I felt his arms close up around me as we held on to each other for the first time in ages.
"I'm so sorry," I sobbed uncontrollably. "I never meant to hurt you, never. I never meant to say those things, do those things... I can... never forgive myself - please... please Billie Joe... p-l-e-a-s-e... "
"Stef, please don't... cry... " he whimpered, not doing a bad job of it himself. "I should have never left you at the Grammies, I never wanted things to be this way... "
"Me neither... Billie... I never meant to... I'm so sorry, and today - I thought I was never going to see you again. I thought I had lost you. All I could think about was you trapped in there, and I thought that I was never going to get the chance to tell you how sorry I was, and how fucking stupid and arrogant I had been... "
"Stef... "
"It's all my fault. All my fucking fault... and... and... "
I let out a wail.
"If I hadn't tried to kill myself, I would have never been in hospital. And if I hadn't been in hospital you wouldn't have stopped to buy me flowers, and then you would have been ok... and all I could think about was how selfish I had been... and how I wished that it were me in there, not you, because I deserved it for being such a bitch... and that I never thought about you for once... "
"Stef, it's ok... we're here... now - together... "
"And I thought I would never be able to say how much... how much I... loved you Billie Joe... "
"Oh Stef... " he tightened his grip around me; gripping hold of my top so much he creased it.
I let out a cry, breaking down the mold slowly as I stayed wrapped in him, clutching the flower tightly still.
"I love you so much... " he admitted, sobbing too and crying into my shoulder.
"I love you Billie Joe... "
I closed my eyes for a second and rested my head on his shoulder, shuddering against him.
"I love you and I'm never... never, never letting you out of my sight again, you here me?" He cried, sniffing.
"Yeah... " I whispered, letting the tears fall onto him. "Yeah... "
"I'm never letting you go... "
"And in the darkest night/If my memory serves me right/I'll never turn back time/Forgetting you but not the time."
Billie slipped his bruised hands into the front of his pockets, smiling bleakly at his friends as I sat in my chair, a distance away from them.
"I think I'm going to head back to the hotel." He announced.
It had grown into evening, and the city was finally opening up its doors once again, releasing trapped people who couldn't get home and letting help in. Everyone was slowly trying to get things back to normal as quickly as possible. We couldn't all sit stationary forever. We had to show that the attack hadn't affected us as much as it had planned to.
Mike looked at Billie Joe, frowning slightly.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah," he sighed, his eyes dropping. "I just wanna get back there. We need to erm... 'talk.'" He mentioned, pointing his head in my direction, trying to be as discreet as possible about it.
Tre looked at me as I clutched the flower still a few feet away, not knowing that they were talking about me.
"But what about you?" He asked, looking at the guitar player with concern. "You don't wanna go to the hospital?"
"Nah."
"Not even to get yourself just checked over?"
"Tre I'm fine, m'kay? The hospital has enough trouble at the moment as it is with the seriously injured. I don't think they want me there. I'm living, walking, breathing and talking, and that's all that matters to me. Which is more than some can say."
And when nobody said something, he knew that they were all thinking the same thing;
Yeah, that's true.
"You going to head back with her now then?" Tre asked again, curious.
Billie sighed deeply. "Yeah, I just wanna sort things out."
Mike worried. "You not going to rest?"
"Oh yeah, just after we've talked. I can't leave it any longer Mike. It's gone on for long enough. And after today, I just... I just wanna make sure that she knows how I feel - before something like this happens again."
Tre went to say that it wouldn't happen again, but stopped himself before he did because he knew that he could never be certain.
"Yeah, I... I guess you're right," Mike pondered. "Just remember that you have a wife and kids too Billie... "
Billie Joe looked at his friend, not knowing what to say.
"They have a right to know what happened to you... "
"Of course they do." The green-eyed rocker grunted. "You think that I wasn't going to tell them?"
"No, I'm just making sure that the explosion hasn't erased your memory. That's all."
Billie stared at the floor, Tre feeling awkward about the conversation he was hearing between his two best friends. Mike leaned towards Billie Joe.
"I know things aren't great between you and Addi at the moment, but she does loves you still you know. She'll be worried about you. Think of Joey and Jakob."
"Yeah, I know I know... " Billie sighed, kicking the dust on the floor with his foot. "I'll phone her when I get in."
"You're a good man Billie Joe... "
Billie looked at Mike with tears in his eyes, and nodded in appreciation a little, before turning to face me. He sighed, knowing that things needed to be sorted out.
And he knew that we would be talking for a long time, because so much had happened. Everything needed to be sorted out, and that went right back to the beginning. The very first day we had met.
"Well, all I can say is," Mike sighed. "Good luck, and try not to be too hard on each other ok?"
"Yeah man, don't ware yourself out again." Tre placed his hand on his arm. "Just take it slowly, and it'll all work out. I know you've been meaning to talk to her Billie, you just need to do actually it."
"Thanks guys."
Billie Joe hugged his two best friends, feeling emotional and not knowing what to do. He held onto them tight for a long time, wondering whether he would ever get to this again in case something else happened to him. Finally, he pulled himself away and walked towards me, tears in his eyes and wanting all the pain to go away. He approached me and I looked up at him, sadness dwelled.
"You ready to go?"
I just nodded before slowly rising up from my chair and saying goodbye to Mike and Tre.
Rain poured down upon the vehicle madly, trying to get in. The water running down the windowpane, the noise of it echoing. We sat in traffic forever; everyone was trying to get back home so we hadn't moved at all in the last 15 minutes.
We both sat in the back of the taxi, each looking out of opposite windows. Neither of us spoke a word to the other. Silence seemed more at ease between us at the moment. It broke down the tension of the feelings that were crossing violently between us.
Looking out the window at the destruction and devastation sickened me. To think that Billie Joe had been caught up in this made my heart and stomach twist violently. I didn't know what to say to him. It had been too long since we had talked and it felt so awkward. I didn't want to mention anything about today in case it brought him back the memories he was trying to erase. I didn't want to say anything about what had happened before with Rachael because that had been the start of our 'break up.' (If that's what you like to call it.)
Looking out of the window still, I felt him shuffle next to me, before something slowly placed itself on top of my hand. It was warm and yet it made me shudder. I looked down to see Billie's scathed hand resting on top, before twisting around and slipping into a link with mine. I looked at us, hand in hand, seeing my scars I created too.
I hated seeing them. They were always there and because of them I was always reminded of what I had done to him. It hurt so much to know that I had actually tried to kill myself - and the fact that I wanted to personally hurt him made it 10 times worse.
I felt my eyes sting from the tears again, wanting to cry so much because now I was at the point where I never knew what to think or where to turn. I looked up at him, my bottom lip trembling as he smiled gently to me. The smile that killed. I widened my eyes, before making a break for it.
"I'm sorry... " I whined, slipping my hand away, zipping off my seatbelt before opening up the taxi door and climbing out into the pouring rain.
"What?" He asked, concerned suddenly. "Stef!"
I started to walk down the stream of cars, the rain thundering down on top of me so much that within a matter of seconds I was drenched to the bone. Billie Joe climbed out of the back seat too, calling for me like a mad man and slamming the door shut before running after me.
"Stef!"
I continued to walk away, folding my arms across me and passing thousands of cars along the way.
"Stef!" He shrieked, so frightened that he was going to loose me again. "Stef!"
He caught up with me and grabbed hold of my arm, turning me around and looking at me with those sad eyes of his.
"Stef... what's going on?"
He panted a little, his clothes soaked and sticking to him - his hair a mass logged with water, dripping down his face and over his eyes.
"I can't take it anymore Billie... " I sobbed.
"Can't take what?" He placed both of his hands on my arms. "Can't take what babe?"
"The feeling... the knowing that I tried to hurt you... that I WANTED to hurt you, I can't take it anymore... These!"
I pulled back my sleeves to show him my scars.
"These are what I can't take. These Billie these... because I'm so fucking stupid for trying it, knowing that I ended trying to kill myself... and all that shit before where I kept our feelings locked up - "
"Shit?!"
"Yes, shit Billie." I whined before pausing. "But it's fucking good shit. Shit that smells so sweet and that it stabs you in the heart because it's so fucking good."
He looked at me in little horrified. He knew what I had just said. Those had been his exact words to me when we had first met.
"Yes Billie, that is what you said to me on our first day. The first day we met... I still remember it... "
I broke down into a fit of sobs, changing my thoughts.
"No one deserves to come near me when I do things like this because I just upset people. I might as well be dead. That way... that way I won't cause any more damage and everyone will be ok... "
"No." Billie told me, placing his wet hands against the dampened sides of my face, and forcing me to look into his eyes through the tears. "No Stef. Listen to me... don't you ever say that ok? I love you so much and without you, I don't know... but you've made me so happy over the last couple of months. And I mean that. And you'll never have to make those scars again because nothings going to hurt you no more. I promise. I promise with my life that I'll never let you turn to that again. I love you Stef."
We looked into each other's eyes, the rain dripping down us both. I let out a little cry, closing my eyes for a second as he pressed his forehead against mine, still looking into the other's eyes. I could feel him breathing against me, my heart pounding against my chest. Everyone in the line of never ending cars were probably watching us.
"I love you Billie Joe... " I whispered to him, my heart bleeding for him.
Looking at me slightly different, he shifted his head to the side a bit without replying, but instead slowly leaning in. He closed his eyes as my own followed him, then shutting them myself. I felt his thumb run along my cheek, wiping away some of the rain off of my face. I felt his lips slowly touch mine, and they were as soft as ever. He slipped me his tongue as I kissed him gently. He drew me closer towards him with his hands, our kiss growing deeper as the rain continued to fall onto us. Exploring each other's mouths passionately. I gave him my tongue too as I felt myself stepping closer into him, pressing my body against his as we both stood there, forever holding onto our passionate kiss.
I had kissed Billie Joe many times before. But this one was different. This was just the start of something big.
Mike was the one to make a move and run towards the broken man on the floor in the hanger doorway. Nobody said anything; all that could be heard in the distance were the sounds of many sirens and Mike's running footsteps echoing.
He towered over the blooded Billie Joe, leaning over and clasping his strong hands underneath the guitarists own - trying to hoist him up. Billie Joe let out a moan as his friend attempted to lift him up. He choked, probably on his own vomit or blood, opening his dazed eyes and looking at the floor in a haze - constantly shaking.
"Come on man... " Mike whispered to his friend, still in shock at the sight of Billie Joe.
Just to see him in this state broke me. But all I kept thinking was;
Shit. He's hurt; he's going to die. Somebody do something.
When really I should have been thanking God that he was still alive, because it seemed like he was the only who actually had made from the carnage outside.
He had been attacked b his own hatred for war.
Bush's dirty work.
Now I understood them completely about their hate for the President. Now I too hated the guy.
I put my hand over my mouth, not being able to take it in. I felt Tre shudder a little behind me, before he whispered to himself;
"Shit... "
My breath cut short and I let out a gasp as I watched Mike lift the other man to his feet, stumbling and staggering as his bruises prevented him from being able to stand. Mike cupped his hands under Billie's arms, flinging his limp arm over his shoulder and neck to take away the pressure and strain.
Tre moved away, joining Mike on the opposite of Billie's and supporting him under the arm too so there would be no need for him to attempt to walk. The two of them walked towards a chair, Billie Joe limp between them, his feet dragging along the floor. His head hung low, his face sweating and dripping, his hairline hanging over his eyes in a cold sweat.
With one arm Tre pulled a chair out into a space, moving Billie's aching body over to sit him down. They scooted him over, lifting him up a bit, causing him to trip over his own feet and stumble - both Mike and Tre grabbing hold of him before he had chance to fall to the floor.
"Woa, woa, whoa... "
"Come on now, it's ok... " Mike whispered gently to him as they lowered him into the seat carefully.
Billie's limbs fell either side of him, his head hanging low. Mike crouched down, resting his hand on Billie's knee whist looking at him with all the care in the world.
"Billie... " he murmured softly, hoping to find something out.
Billie Joe just sat there motionless, slouched in the chair and paralysed.
"Bill... "
Mike rubbed his knee a little, looking under the punk rocker's hanging head and studying his broken profile.
"What happened to you?"
At this, Billie Joe slowly raised his head, still shuddering - and looked at his friend. Mike didn't have to ask anymore. His eyes said it all. Billie gave him a look with those terrified and sorrowed eyes - one that cannot describe the torment he had suffered and that said you-have-no-idea. And it made Mike cold.
For him to look into his eyes and know that his friend, Billie Joe Armstrong, the Green Day front man had been caught up amongst a terror attack.
Billie Joe sat with a cup perched in his hands, yet untouched, with Tre's blazer hanging loose over his shoulders to warm him up. He sat in the same chair, and hadn't moved since he had been put there. The cup had been forced into his hands, and the blazer had been placed over him without even a reaction. Motionless, he stared at the floor, his eyes fixed upon one spot - still in a constant haze. He had known my presence, but he had barely talked to anyone.
"He needs to go to the hospital." Tre muttered to Mike, as the three of us stood a few feet away, looking over him.
"Hmmm... " the bass player replied. "There's no way we could though. The city's fucked."
"I forgot about that... "
Tre scratched the back of his neck, sighing deeply. "At least we know he's safe, here with us and that he's ok."
"But that's the thing. Is he ok?"
Mike's question left a silence amongst us. "He hasn't moved."
"Or talked... "
We all looked at him, sitting there gormless as the tube flickered in front of him, but staring at the floor. The sounds of sirens, screams and explosions repeated over and over again on the tube, and all Billie could was think about how he had managed to survive it.
I was there. I was there.
I looked over at him, wanting to hug him so tight, and erase all the pain for him. But I didn't work magic like that. I paused, thinking it over before opening my mouth to speak.
"I'm gonna go speak to him."
Mike and Tre immediately shot their heads at me, surprised that I had spoke because for the last hour I had been just as quiet as Billie Joe. I had gone from screaming to silence.
Mike blinked at me before asking;
"Wait, are you sure?"
I just nodded, staring at the ground. It just felt awkward, watching him sit there, still wrapped up in it all.
They watched as I took in a deep breath, my shoulders rising in the process. I swung my arms a little as I started to walk slowly towards him - mentally preparing myself to face him for the first time since I had left him at the Grammies, and had tried to kill myself.
Approaching him carefully, I grasped hold of the chair next to him and perched myself on it. I went un-noticed to him, as he didn't even flinch when I appeared by his side. I looked at him hard, wondering what the hell I was going to say to the man who had just survived a terrorist attack.
"Billie... " I whispered finding the courage to say something.
He looked so fragile; I didn't want to hurt him anymore.
"Are... are you ok?"
Fucking stupid question.
He slowly turned his head to look at me, and he took my breath away and soul away. His eyes glinted in the light from the never falling tears. I swallowed hard, not knowing how to react.
He turned back and continued to stare at the floor. I gulped, hesitating to put my hand on his knee but it had no effect.
"Billie... "
He closed his eyes and breathed deeply. There was a long pause, with just me and him sitting there, not saying a word or moving. It was like I could feel his pain through just touching his knee. Then without a warning, he opened his mouth to speak for the first time.
"You know, I actually thought I was done for in there... "
I raised my head surprised and watched him carefully. He spoke softly, still in a trance and his voice kept low. I didn't answer. The best thing I could do for him was listen.
"There were - bodies... everywhere... I was thrown... on top of one at - one point... "
I felt my stomach muscles tense, sickened.
"I had been speaking to her minutes before... and then she was - gone. Just like that... "
He recollected his thoughts for a moment, smiling a little at the thought.
"I had stopped on the way to the studios... to buy you some... um... flowers to give to you later. I knew you were coming out of hospital today, and that Mike was picking you up. I would have come but I was just... "
He sighed. "I just didn't have the guts to face you yet."
I felt tears start to surface, as I looked at him, unable to keep control of my emotions. As he continued to tell his story, his eyes never moved from staring mid-space, transfixed and possibly reliving it all in his mind.
"So I stopped and bought you flowers and got back in my taxi. There had been a... erm... queue at the stall so I was about 20 minutes behind the others. I knew I was going to be late, but the traffic was just... so bad. Then, about halfway there - I felt something exploded behind me. My neck burned... I got out of the taxi... I don't remember much... just smoke, confusion - and screaming. Lots of screaming. People screaming and jumping out of their cars to run."
I narrowed my eyes, trying to imagine the whole thing within my mind - but it was nothing compared to Billie Joe's.
"I just... couldn't believe it. I was there, standing... and I could see it... all. I remember running, and all I kept thinking was that - I had to get out. Find someone, anyone. Get to the studios. That was my goal, that's what kept me going... At the time I didn't understand what was happening. Whether it was a terrorist attack, gas explosion or something. I started to ask around, but nobody knew what was happening. All I knew was that I had to get out. I remember the woman next to me crying, and she was so scared. I tried to comfort her, telling her that we would find a way out and that we would soon be safe. She held onto me for dear life, I was all that she had to keep her going. I told her we wound find a way out, but everything we tried... it was just madness. And then... then it happened... there was a flash and smoke. I felt the ground shake underneath me and I was thrown somewhere. I can't remember how long I had been out for, but when I woke up I couldn't get up. It hurt too much... and then I realised that we were all tangled up, both dead and alive - trapped. I looked down, and... and... "
He started to sob.
"There she was... the girl who I had stayed with. Dead. Underneath me, and I was lying on top of her. I couldn't move, I was stuck with her. And then I started to cry for her. Cry for her because there was no one else there to do it and grieve for her. I couldn't understand it. One minute, I was talking to her, and then the next - I'm lying on top of her and... she's, she's dead."
At this point he turned to look at me, and I saw the tears in his eyes. And yet he was talking about it as if it were nothing - like reading from a book. But it was far from that.
"I thought I was gonna die. I thought that I would never see anyone ever again. It had grown dark, and... I was... I was scared. I thought I was never going to see you again. See my wife or kids. Play the guitar, sing another note. And then I realised, that nobody was coming. That nobody was going to come and help because... they couldn't, and that I had to save myself if I wanted to live. So... I... I forced my way through - walked over dead bodies, trod on dead bodies, saw parts of bodies, tasted blood on my lips... "
I saw his bottom lip tremble, as he looked at me, never taking his eyes away. A single tear he let to fall down of his face instead of rejecting it.
"And I was so scared... so scared Stef... "
I leaned forward towards him and replaced my hand on his knee, firmer this time.
"Billie... baby... "
"I wanted to cry so much," he wailed, the tears now not being able to stop. "All I kept thinking about was how sorry I was and how much I had fucked up and wasted time... "
"Billie - stop please... " I sobbed, grabbing hold of his hand with my other.
"But I tried to hold on - "
"Billie Joe don't... "
Then he slipped his hand our from underneath mine, and reached inside of his tattered grey blazer to pull out a single battered rose from the bunch of flowers he had bought for me earlier that day. I looked at it in horror as he handed it over to me in his hand. I lost all contact with the world as he gave it to me, and all I could do was stare at it and cry.
"I'm so sorry... " he whispered as I cried hysterically, looking at the tattered flower in my hand.
I looked up at him, and saw his tears and sadness.
"Please forgive Stef... "
I trembled, wanting to be sick. Then I took the plunge.
"Oh Billie... "
I suddenly flung my arms around him and held him tight, the tears never stopping from either of us. I felt his arms close up around me as we held on to each other for the first time in ages.
"I'm so sorry," I sobbed uncontrollably. "I never meant to hurt you, never. I never meant to say those things, do those things... I can... never forgive myself - please... please Billie Joe... p-l-e-a-s-e... "
"Stef, please don't... cry... " he whimpered, not doing a bad job of it himself. "I should have never left you at the Grammies, I never wanted things to be this way... "
"Me neither... Billie... I never meant to... I'm so sorry, and today - I thought I was never going to see you again. I thought I had lost you. All I could think about was you trapped in there, and I thought that I was never going to get the chance to tell you how sorry I was, and how fucking stupid and arrogant I had been... "
"Stef... "
"It's all my fault. All my fucking fault... and... and... "
I let out a wail.
"If I hadn't tried to kill myself, I would have never been in hospital. And if I hadn't been in hospital you wouldn't have stopped to buy me flowers, and then you would have been ok... and all I could think about was how selfish I had been... and how I wished that it were me in there, not you, because I deserved it for being such a bitch... and that I never thought about you for once... "
"Stef, it's ok... we're here... now - together... "
"And I thought I would never be able to say how much... how much I... loved you Billie Joe... "
"Oh Stef... " he tightened his grip around me; gripping hold of my top so much he creased it.
I let out a cry, breaking down the mold slowly as I stayed wrapped in him, clutching the flower tightly still.
"I love you so much... " he admitted, sobbing too and crying into my shoulder.
"I love you Billie Joe... "
I closed my eyes for a second and rested my head on his shoulder, shuddering against him.
"I love you and I'm never... never, never letting you out of my sight again, you here me?" He cried, sniffing.
"Yeah... " I whispered, letting the tears fall onto him. "Yeah... "
"I'm never letting you go... "
"And in the darkest night/If my memory serves me right/I'll never turn back time/Forgetting you but not the time."
Billie slipped his bruised hands into the front of his pockets, smiling bleakly at his friends as I sat in my chair, a distance away from them.
"I think I'm going to head back to the hotel." He announced.
It had grown into evening, and the city was finally opening up its doors once again, releasing trapped people who couldn't get home and letting help in. Everyone was slowly trying to get things back to normal as quickly as possible. We couldn't all sit stationary forever. We had to show that the attack hadn't affected us as much as it had planned to.
Mike looked at Billie Joe, frowning slightly.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah," he sighed, his eyes dropping. "I just wanna get back there. We need to erm... 'talk.'" He mentioned, pointing his head in my direction, trying to be as discreet as possible about it.
Tre looked at me as I clutched the flower still a few feet away, not knowing that they were talking about me.
"But what about you?" He asked, looking at the guitar player with concern. "You don't wanna go to the hospital?"
"Nah."
"Not even to get yourself just checked over?"
"Tre I'm fine, m'kay? The hospital has enough trouble at the moment as it is with the seriously injured. I don't think they want me there. I'm living, walking, breathing and talking, and that's all that matters to me. Which is more than some can say."
And when nobody said something, he knew that they were all thinking the same thing;
Yeah, that's true.
"You going to head back with her now then?" Tre asked again, curious.
Billie sighed deeply. "Yeah, I just wanna sort things out."
Mike worried. "You not going to rest?"
"Oh yeah, just after we've talked. I can't leave it any longer Mike. It's gone on for long enough. And after today, I just... I just wanna make sure that she knows how I feel - before something like this happens again."
Tre went to say that it wouldn't happen again, but stopped himself before he did because he knew that he could never be certain.
"Yeah, I... I guess you're right," Mike pondered. "Just remember that you have a wife and kids too Billie... "
Billie Joe looked at his friend, not knowing what to say.
"They have a right to know what happened to you... "
"Of course they do." The green-eyed rocker grunted. "You think that I wasn't going to tell them?"
"No, I'm just making sure that the explosion hasn't erased your memory. That's all."
Billie stared at the floor, Tre feeling awkward about the conversation he was hearing between his two best friends. Mike leaned towards Billie Joe.
"I know things aren't great between you and Addi at the moment, but she does loves you still you know. She'll be worried about you. Think of Joey and Jakob."
"Yeah, I know I know... " Billie sighed, kicking the dust on the floor with his foot. "I'll phone her when I get in."
"You're a good man Billie Joe... "
Billie looked at Mike with tears in his eyes, and nodded in appreciation a little, before turning to face me. He sighed, knowing that things needed to be sorted out.
And he knew that we would be talking for a long time, because so much had happened. Everything needed to be sorted out, and that went right back to the beginning. The very first day we had met.
"Well, all I can say is," Mike sighed. "Good luck, and try not to be too hard on each other ok?"
"Yeah man, don't ware yourself out again." Tre placed his hand on his arm. "Just take it slowly, and it'll all work out. I know you've been meaning to talk to her Billie, you just need to do actually it."
"Thanks guys."
Billie Joe hugged his two best friends, feeling emotional and not knowing what to do. He held onto them tight for a long time, wondering whether he would ever get to this again in case something else happened to him. Finally, he pulled himself away and walked towards me, tears in his eyes and wanting all the pain to go away. He approached me and I looked up at him, sadness dwelled.
"You ready to go?"
I just nodded before slowly rising up from my chair and saying goodbye to Mike and Tre.
Rain poured down upon the vehicle madly, trying to get in. The water running down the windowpane, the noise of it echoing. We sat in traffic forever; everyone was trying to get back home so we hadn't moved at all in the last 15 minutes.
We both sat in the back of the taxi, each looking out of opposite windows. Neither of us spoke a word to the other. Silence seemed more at ease between us at the moment. It broke down the tension of the feelings that were crossing violently between us.
Looking out the window at the destruction and devastation sickened me. To think that Billie Joe had been caught up in this made my heart and stomach twist violently. I didn't know what to say to him. It had been too long since we had talked and it felt so awkward. I didn't want to mention anything about today in case it brought him back the memories he was trying to erase. I didn't want to say anything about what had happened before with Rachael because that had been the start of our 'break up.' (If that's what you like to call it.)
Looking out of the window still, I felt him shuffle next to me, before something slowly placed itself on top of my hand. It was warm and yet it made me shudder. I looked down to see Billie's scathed hand resting on top, before twisting around and slipping into a link with mine. I looked at us, hand in hand, seeing my scars I created too.
I hated seeing them. They were always there and because of them I was always reminded of what I had done to him. It hurt so much to know that I had actually tried to kill myself - and the fact that I wanted to personally hurt him made it 10 times worse.
I felt my eyes sting from the tears again, wanting to cry so much because now I was at the point where I never knew what to think or where to turn. I looked up at him, my bottom lip trembling as he smiled gently to me. The smile that killed. I widened my eyes, before making a break for it.
"I'm sorry... " I whined, slipping my hand away, zipping off my seatbelt before opening up the taxi door and climbing out into the pouring rain.
"What?" He asked, concerned suddenly. "Stef!"
I started to walk down the stream of cars, the rain thundering down on top of me so much that within a matter of seconds I was drenched to the bone. Billie Joe climbed out of the back seat too, calling for me like a mad man and slamming the door shut before running after me.
"Stef!"
I continued to walk away, folding my arms across me and passing thousands of cars along the way.
"Stef!" He shrieked, so frightened that he was going to loose me again. "Stef!"
He caught up with me and grabbed hold of my arm, turning me around and looking at me with those sad eyes of his.
"Stef... what's going on?"
He panted a little, his clothes soaked and sticking to him - his hair a mass logged with water, dripping down his face and over his eyes.
"I can't take it anymore Billie... " I sobbed.
"Can't take what?" He placed both of his hands on my arms. "Can't take what babe?"
"The feeling... the knowing that I tried to hurt you... that I WANTED to hurt you, I can't take it anymore... These!"
I pulled back my sleeves to show him my scars.
"These are what I can't take. These Billie these... because I'm so fucking stupid for trying it, knowing that I ended trying to kill myself... and all that shit before where I kept our feelings locked up - "
"Shit?!"
"Yes, shit Billie." I whined before pausing. "But it's fucking good shit. Shit that smells so sweet and that it stabs you in the heart because it's so fucking good."
He looked at me in little horrified. He knew what I had just said. Those had been his exact words to me when we had first met.
"Yes Billie, that is what you said to me on our first day. The first day we met... I still remember it... "
I broke down into a fit of sobs, changing my thoughts.
"No one deserves to come near me when I do things like this because I just upset people. I might as well be dead. That way... that way I won't cause any more damage and everyone will be ok... "
"No." Billie told me, placing his wet hands against the dampened sides of my face, and forcing me to look into his eyes through the tears. "No Stef. Listen to me... don't you ever say that ok? I love you so much and without you, I don't know... but you've made me so happy over the last couple of months. And I mean that. And you'll never have to make those scars again because nothings going to hurt you no more. I promise. I promise with my life that I'll never let you turn to that again. I love you Stef."
We looked into each other's eyes, the rain dripping down us both. I let out a little cry, closing my eyes for a second as he pressed his forehead against mine, still looking into the other's eyes. I could feel him breathing against me, my heart pounding against my chest. Everyone in the line of never ending cars were probably watching us.
"I love you Billie Joe... " I whispered to him, my heart bleeding for him.
Looking at me slightly different, he shifted his head to the side a bit without replying, but instead slowly leaning in. He closed his eyes as my own followed him, then shutting them myself. I felt his thumb run along my cheek, wiping away some of the rain off of my face. I felt his lips slowly touch mine, and they were as soft as ever. He slipped me his tongue as I kissed him gently. He drew me closer towards him with his hands, our kiss growing deeper as the rain continued to fall onto us. Exploring each other's mouths passionately. I gave him my tongue too as I felt myself stepping closer into him, pressing my body against his as we both stood there, forever holding onto our passionate kiss.
I had kissed Billie Joe many times before. But this one was different. This was just the start of something big.
