A Note Don't Come Easy, chapter 40
I lay in bed on my own, staring continuously at the ceiling for ages. I can't remember how long I had been lying there thinking, but it must have been a long time.
Mike and Tre had gone back to their room about 2 hours ago now, Mike not being that enthusiastic towards the fact that suddenly he had been married to 'Trisha' over such a short period of time and had he not known about it.
He was a little shocked by the experience to say the least.
But now everything was quiet, no sound around me as I lay there - motionless and thinking about Billie Joe.
My heart yearned for him right now, like never before. But no matter what he had told me before he left, I still pondered to whether him going back home for a while would change his mind about us.
Whether seeing Adrienne and his boys again would make him see that I was only a stupid mistake, and nothing else. And that he didn't really love me and he was blind with his own lust.
But even if he did suddenly turn away from me, it didn't mean that I could stop loving him.
It was so much harder for me to let go of him, especially after everything we had been through. I didn't even want to imagine it, but the thought was there and I couldn't let it go.
It was like a scar - something I could never get rid of no matter how hard I tried. And the more I tried, the more I made it worse or irritable.
In my head I could imagine him curled up in his bed, lying peacefully next to Adrienne after just having slept with her. Their love re-kindled, and their 11year marriage growing stronger. And I was just Billie's doll, used whenever Adrienne turned him down or when he needed to release himself from the frustration.
I thought of him nuzzling his face into the crook of her neck as they lay together, just like I had imagined many times before, back when I was living in England and finding a way of escaping.
And deep down I knew that I was nothing compared to what he had with Adrienne, but it hurt me to think about it. In a selfish respect, I wanted him to always be here with me, I needed the security he gave me constantly. It was the only way I felt safe from anything.
Without him I felt so dark and cold inside, like most of me was missing. Because deep down my life WAS Billie Joe - and I didn't want it to be any other way.
But I had to get used to him being away, because one day he would have to go back home, and I would be just a thing of the past.
I rolled over and tucked my knees up, clasping my arms around them tightly as I shut my eyes.
And then I cried.
Cried because Billie Joe was not here, and even though we had just finally settled down together, it felt like he had already been taken away from me.
* * * * * * * *
Billie Joe sat on his couch, one leg crossed over the other and his chin resting on the fist of his left hand.
"Night daddy." Jakob chanted joyfully to himself as he threw himself onto his father.
Billie Joe let out a puff of air as the child winded him a little, before he tucked his hands under his son's arms and lifted him onto his lap.
"Night sweetie."
He planted a kiss on the younger child's forehead, before proceeding to stroke his hair in a parentage role.
"You had your milk?"
Jakob nodded eagerly, hoping to impress his dad. "Yup, I've drunk it all up."
"Good boy."
There was a pause between them as Billie Joe continued to study his son's profile, beaming to himself, as it was such a shock to how much his son had grown since the last time he had seen him. In a way he hated himself for not being able to see them more often, because if it was one thing that he missed it was his sons and watching them grow up.
He wanted to teach them how to be good people, to do the right things and not turn out into morons like the one's that he hated so much to this day.
Jakob fiddled with his father's hand, studying his fingers carefully whilst snuggling up to the younger parent he had.
"So... " Billie started, wanting to make conversation and find things out that his son had been up to. "How's school?"
"Yeah... It's ok." Jakob responded shrugging his shoulders carelessly. "But my math teacher's horrible. She gives me too much homework and I don't think she likes me. She sucks. I wanted Miss Crumple but they didn't put me in her class. She's nice, she gives you lollipops if you do good work."
Billie Joe sniggered to himself, as already signs of himself were showing through his younger son.
"And you wanted the lollipops right?"
"Uh-huh."
A lighthearted laugh escaped from the punk rocker's lips. Yup, he was definitely his son in smaller version.
"I don't see why we have do math anyway."
"Hmmm. Well, when you're older you won't be needing math at all."
Jakob looked wide-eyed up to his father. "Really?"
"Uh-huh. Daddy doesn't use math at all. Daddy didn't see the point in math. I didn't like school."
"So you didn't go to school then?" He asked curious about his father's past.
"Not so much not go to school, I just didn't finish it. But I was older than you so you don't need to understand right now."
"But I wanna be like you. I wanna leave school forever, then I won't have my stupid math teacher."
Billie sniggered to himself.
"No, you're still too young to leave."
"Oh-a." The young boy moaned, giving Billie a puppy eyed look. "School sucks."
Yeah, Billie Joe agreed, but he couldn't say anything to strengthen his son's negativity towards school right now. It wasn't the right thing to do.
"Well, just remember. Next time your maths teacher annoys you, stick glue on her chair. It works a treat."
Jakob's eyes widened once again in excitement before bursting into a fit of giggles, covering up his laughs with his hands as Billie winked at him.
"You know, you really shouldn't be teaching him things like that."
Billie Joe's eyes suddenly snapped up, to see Adrienne leaning into the doorway of the living room - her big brown eyes meeting his.
"Addi... " Billie gulped.
He still felt nervous whenever he saw her, both on the fact that they had unresolved issues between them still and now there was secretly someone else in his life.
"I was just erm... Talking to Jakob about school."
"Yeah, and by the sounds of it you're also teaching him on how to whip his teacher's ass and get himself into trouble." She told him, raising her eyebrows. "Come on Jakob, up to bed now."
She uncrossed her arms and walked towards the two of them sitting on the couch.
"Oh but mom... " he moaned. "I wanna stay and talk to dad."
"Not tonight Jakob. You're late enough as it is. You've got school tomorrow."
"But school sucks." He mumbled to himself, reluctantly pushing himself off of Billie's lap.
"What did you say?" Addi asked a little short tension spanned.
Billie bit his lip as he threw himself into the shit.
"Well it does." The youngest Armstrong member replied. "I don't see why I have to go to school anyway. Dad didn't go to school. It's not fair."
"You're father shouldn't have told you that, and he was much older than you when he decided to leave. And I say you go to school. Right Billie?"
She turned round to face him, scowling a little as he cursed himself inside for even mentioning it.
"Erm yeah sure Jakob. Be a good boy for me and go to school."
"But dad you said school was pointless... "
Billie caught another glare off of his wife again. It didn't help when his kids were so curious.
"No, I shouldn't have said that. Your mother's right. Do as she says and go to school for me."
Jakob looked confusingly at the ground, kicking the floor as he proceeded to go up the stairs.
"Whatever... "
He slowly plodded up the stairs, clinging onto the rail for support as he went, stomping a little in a mood.
And another thing Billie Joe noticed - his son was developing an attitude.
Adrienne turned to Billie, her arms crossed once again and frowning.
"You really shouldn't have told him that." She sighed before moving into the kitchen.
Billie Joe used this as an opportunity to talk to her, following her through into their family kitchen.
"Now I'm going to have to put up with him moaning about school all week because you told him that it was pointless."
She picked up a table cloth and a plate from off of the drainer, wiping it clean and stacking it away before moving onto the next item.
"I didn't tell him it was pointless," he tried to defend himself. "I just said that when you leave school you don't need to remember anything."
He picked up a bowl too, helping her to stack the kitchen utensils away but without wiping them clean first.
"Ok then," she recollected her thoughts. "Put it this way. One day I'm gonna be called into the principles office because our son has stuck glue on his teacher's chair."
Billie leaned against the kitchen work counter.
"It was a light hearted comment."
"It was an un-necessary comment Billie."
The guitarist ran his fingers through his hair, sighing to himself. It seemed he couldn't do anything right these days.
He was so tired, he could feel the dark circles that had formed into bags that were under his eyes.
"I was just talking to him Addi. You know I meant no harm, don'tcha?"
She stood up from putting the last plate away in the lower cupboard by sink, leaning against the kitchen work surface too with one arm. She placed the other on her hip and looked at him with those big brown beautiful eyes of hers that always seemed to swallow him up.
"I know you don't Billie. It's just... Just... " She sighed deeply, looking down at the floor with all the energy drained out of her from the days work. "It's just been so hectic today. I mean, I wasn't expecting you to come home today. The tour doesn't even finish for another 2 months yet. I don't understand why you came home suddenly without even telling me."
Billie made his chance and moved forward, slowly wrapping his hands round the back of his wife's body.
"Because I wanted to surprise you." He simply told her, taking a loose strand of her hair and tucking it behind her ear.
She smiled sweetly, locking eye contact with him before she lent forward and pressed her lips against his.
Billie Joe felt a little awkward to say the least, but it was his wife. He had to play it cool, and deep down he did love Adrienne still. He just had affections elsewhere.
She cupped her hands around his jaw line, bringing him towards her again for another kiss. This time deeper.
"I've missed you." She told him before leaning back against the kitchen table and drawing him against her. "A lot... "
Billie Joe just simply smiled before continuing to obey his wife's lips.
"I've missed you too... "
But I'm missing Stef right now. I crave for her and yet I can't have her.
With Joey being at his friend's house for the night and Jakob tucked safely up in bed and asleep, there was only one thing on mind at the time.
Adrienne unbuttoned Billie's shirt as their lips never ceased to part. He comfortably placed his hands on her ass, letting her undress him as he did so.
Grabbing his hand she led him up the stairs and into their bedroom, where she kicked the door shut before throwing him onto the bed.
Billie watching as his wife undressed them both; he felt a sense of vulnerability come over him. He couldn't stop it, not matter what he felt for the girl who was lying in a bed on her own across the states crying her eyes out because she missed him so.
He felt guilty, but there was nothing in his power that he could do without there being consequences later on.
So he let her.
He let his wife Adrienne Armstrong crawl on top of him and together they fucked the living daylights out of each other for the first time in months.
Just like he had done with Stef the night before.
* * * * * * * *
Billie Joe lay next to his sleeping wife, his eyes wide open and resting upon her as he watched her peacefully.
He was so confused, so many thoughts going round his head it was giving him a migraine.
Everything had just happened so quickly. He hadn't even had a chance to speak, let alone think properly.
He had betrayed Stef, and he wanted to take a leaf out of her book and harm himself. Just to take away the confusion and sadness he was feeling inside.
Sitting up and rolling out of the bed, he tiptoed into the bathroom suite and locked the door. Turning on the shower and stepping under the freezing cold water he stood there, shivering through and through and letting the water soak his hair and matt across the top half of his face, dangling over his eyes.
Shaking, he reached for the shower gel and squeezed some into his palm, madly scrubbing it across his whole body and digging his nails into his own skin as he did so.
Wishing to wash away all his troubles and sins, he scathed his skin with the gel, digging his fingers into his arms and scratching at himself because he couldn't do anything.
He wanted to scrap away all traces of what he had done, to both people.
He felt so dirty, for what he had done. He thought he could have coped with it, but obviously not. He was a nervous wreck and he was so torn between the two people he loved the most.
Stepping out of the shower he wrapped a towel around his middle, looking into the mirror at his reflection and hating himself right now.
Fucking dipshit. You dipshit. You fucking dispshit Billie Joe. YOU FUCKING DIPSHIT YOU SHITFACE. You dipshit in loving two people. You fucking dispshit. DIPSHIT. What about Stef? Did you ever stop to think about her Billie? Did you, huh? Dipshit. DIPSHIT.
His bottom lip quivered a little as he thought of what the hell to do, because in reality - there was NOTHING he could do. It was too far advanced to cover up or break away from.
And he did love Stef, but Adrienne was his wife.
His soul mate.
But now he was starting to wonder whether Stef was his soul mate.
Or whether he had a soul mate at all.
He was so confused right now, he didn't know what to do.
Covering his face with his hand he crumbled, crouching down and whimpering to himself. How was he going to cope? He loved his wife so much, and yet he seemed to be head over heels in love with Stef.
He needed to get out, have some fresh air - clear his head.
Wiping his eyes dry and knowing that he had to sort things outside inside of him, he stood up and splashed his face over with cold water.
Reaching up into the cabinet and popping a paracetamol pill, he swallowed it back and ran his hand through his wet dishevelled hair.
He opened the bathroom suite door, unlocking it quietly and stepping out of the steam filled room and into their bedroom where his wife still lay sleeping in their bed. Bending down carefully, he picked up his clothes he had let her tear off of him before and tiptoed out of the room.
Closing the door behind him he crept down stairs and dressed himself once again before picking up his keys from off of the coffee table. He pocketed his wallet before checking that all electricity was off in his house and leaving through the front door.
* * * * * * * *
Billie Joe wandered down the empty desolate boulevard, arms crossed over his chest and deep in thought.
He didn't know what to do anymore. He was so confused and lost within himself that he didn't seem to know who he really was. He had thought that by coming back home he would have been able to resolve his problems, and maybe in the way that Addi saw it things HAD got better. In a way they had made up and forgiven each other, but to Billie it just made him feel even more awkward.
He wasn't supposed to feel like this after just having slept with his own wife of 11 years. He wasn't supposed to wash himself clean straight after and feel the sadness he was feeling right now.
He had fucked up everything so badly, and he dam well knew it.
It wasn't a nice feeling and he just wanted it to go away before it did any more harm to him. Never before he had felt so confused and torn between two people.
Before there had only ever been Adrienne - but now his whole world had been turned upside down.
Ever since that fateful day when Mike had heard Stef playing one of their songs on her guitar through their walls and had decided to knock on her door.
Billie Joe cursed himself for falling for Stef, and she cursed herself for falling victim to the guitarist's charms knowing that he had a family. But he knew deep down that he loved her, and he knew for a fact that she loved him equally back, maybe more than he thought.
He felt such a failure; because he had mucked her about so many times it was unbelievable. The most surprising thing though was that no matter how many times he had fucked up, she had always taken him back in and forgiven him.
She had nearly died because of him, and the guilt was still overwhelming him. Every time he closed his eyes he would see Stef lying there in his arms, covered in blood and slowly dying.
And it tormented him like fucking hell.
In the last few months his personal life had been so complicated and hectic that he could of easily lost all control.
Still feeling guilty for everything that had happened, he made his way across the boulevard through the darkness and onto the other side.
Slipping into a phone booth, he picked some loose change from out of his pocket and slot it into the machine. Picking up the phone and pressing it to his ear, he dialled the phone number to the hotel back in Philadelphia.
Calling the hotel around midnight was risky, and he knew it was late - but he had to do this. It was the only thing that was on his mind at the moment.
He let the phone operator receive his call and transfer it to room number 798. Waiting nervously as he listened to the line ringing, he prayed desperately to himself.
Please let her answer. Please let her be awake still. Please, please, please.
There was a crackle as the phone picked up on the other end, making his heart skip a beat.
"Hello...?" Stef groaned on the other end of the phone, mostly still asleep.
Billie Joe swallowed hard at the sound of her voice, making him rigid with guilt and heartache.
"Hello...?" She asked again, wondering whom it was that was calling her at such a late time in the evening.
He couldn't bring himself to say anything, he was so taken back with guilt that he could not speak.
Any second now he was half expecting to break out into a verse of Lionel Ritchie and start singing 'Hello' down the phone to her.
"Billie...?" She asked, a glimmer of hope rising in her voice.
"I... I love you... " He simply said, choking back tears as one managed to escape and roll down his cheek.
And then he hung up on her, leaving it at that because he couldn't stand it any longer.
He couldn't bring himself to say anything else, he just had to hear her voice and tell her that he loved her.
Whimpering a little to himself, he leaned against the side to the phone booth and pressed his head against the glass, looking up at the ceiling and letting his tears for once escape his eyes.
And then he knew he was screwed.
Mike and Tre had gone back to their room about 2 hours ago now, Mike not being that enthusiastic towards the fact that suddenly he had been married to 'Trisha' over such a short period of time and had he not known about it.
He was a little shocked by the experience to say the least.
But now everything was quiet, no sound around me as I lay there - motionless and thinking about Billie Joe.
My heart yearned for him right now, like never before. But no matter what he had told me before he left, I still pondered to whether him going back home for a while would change his mind about us.
Whether seeing Adrienne and his boys again would make him see that I was only a stupid mistake, and nothing else. And that he didn't really love me and he was blind with his own lust.
But even if he did suddenly turn away from me, it didn't mean that I could stop loving him.
It was so much harder for me to let go of him, especially after everything we had been through. I didn't even want to imagine it, but the thought was there and I couldn't let it go.
It was like a scar - something I could never get rid of no matter how hard I tried. And the more I tried, the more I made it worse or irritable.
In my head I could imagine him curled up in his bed, lying peacefully next to Adrienne after just having slept with her. Their love re-kindled, and their 11year marriage growing stronger. And I was just Billie's doll, used whenever Adrienne turned him down or when he needed to release himself from the frustration.
I thought of him nuzzling his face into the crook of her neck as they lay together, just like I had imagined many times before, back when I was living in England and finding a way of escaping.
And deep down I knew that I was nothing compared to what he had with Adrienne, but it hurt me to think about it. In a selfish respect, I wanted him to always be here with me, I needed the security he gave me constantly. It was the only way I felt safe from anything.
Without him I felt so dark and cold inside, like most of me was missing. Because deep down my life WAS Billie Joe - and I didn't want it to be any other way.
But I had to get used to him being away, because one day he would have to go back home, and I would be just a thing of the past.
I rolled over and tucked my knees up, clasping my arms around them tightly as I shut my eyes.
And then I cried.
Cried because Billie Joe was not here, and even though we had just finally settled down together, it felt like he had already been taken away from me.
* * * * * * * *
Billie Joe sat on his couch, one leg crossed over the other and his chin resting on the fist of his left hand.
"Night daddy." Jakob chanted joyfully to himself as he threw himself onto his father.
Billie Joe let out a puff of air as the child winded him a little, before he tucked his hands under his son's arms and lifted him onto his lap.
"Night sweetie."
He planted a kiss on the younger child's forehead, before proceeding to stroke his hair in a parentage role.
"You had your milk?"
Jakob nodded eagerly, hoping to impress his dad. "Yup, I've drunk it all up."
"Good boy."
There was a pause between them as Billie Joe continued to study his son's profile, beaming to himself, as it was such a shock to how much his son had grown since the last time he had seen him. In a way he hated himself for not being able to see them more often, because if it was one thing that he missed it was his sons and watching them grow up.
He wanted to teach them how to be good people, to do the right things and not turn out into morons like the one's that he hated so much to this day.
Jakob fiddled with his father's hand, studying his fingers carefully whilst snuggling up to the younger parent he had.
"So... " Billie started, wanting to make conversation and find things out that his son had been up to. "How's school?"
"Yeah... It's ok." Jakob responded shrugging his shoulders carelessly. "But my math teacher's horrible. She gives me too much homework and I don't think she likes me. She sucks. I wanted Miss Crumple but they didn't put me in her class. She's nice, she gives you lollipops if you do good work."
Billie Joe sniggered to himself, as already signs of himself were showing through his younger son.
"And you wanted the lollipops right?"
"Uh-huh."
A lighthearted laugh escaped from the punk rocker's lips. Yup, he was definitely his son in smaller version.
"I don't see why we have do math anyway."
"Hmmm. Well, when you're older you won't be needing math at all."
Jakob looked wide-eyed up to his father. "Really?"
"Uh-huh. Daddy doesn't use math at all. Daddy didn't see the point in math. I didn't like school."
"So you didn't go to school then?" He asked curious about his father's past.
"Not so much not go to school, I just didn't finish it. But I was older than you so you don't need to understand right now."
"But I wanna be like you. I wanna leave school forever, then I won't have my stupid math teacher."
Billie sniggered to himself.
"No, you're still too young to leave."
"Oh-a." The young boy moaned, giving Billie a puppy eyed look. "School sucks."
Yeah, Billie Joe agreed, but he couldn't say anything to strengthen his son's negativity towards school right now. It wasn't the right thing to do.
"Well, just remember. Next time your maths teacher annoys you, stick glue on her chair. It works a treat."
Jakob's eyes widened once again in excitement before bursting into a fit of giggles, covering up his laughs with his hands as Billie winked at him.
"You know, you really shouldn't be teaching him things like that."
Billie Joe's eyes suddenly snapped up, to see Adrienne leaning into the doorway of the living room - her big brown eyes meeting his.
"Addi... " Billie gulped.
He still felt nervous whenever he saw her, both on the fact that they had unresolved issues between them still and now there was secretly someone else in his life.
"I was just erm... Talking to Jakob about school."
"Yeah, and by the sounds of it you're also teaching him on how to whip his teacher's ass and get himself into trouble." She told him, raising her eyebrows. "Come on Jakob, up to bed now."
She uncrossed her arms and walked towards the two of them sitting on the couch.
"Oh but mom... " he moaned. "I wanna stay and talk to dad."
"Not tonight Jakob. You're late enough as it is. You've got school tomorrow."
"But school sucks." He mumbled to himself, reluctantly pushing himself off of Billie's lap.
"What did you say?" Addi asked a little short tension spanned.
Billie bit his lip as he threw himself into the shit.
"Well it does." The youngest Armstrong member replied. "I don't see why I have to go to school anyway. Dad didn't go to school. It's not fair."
"You're father shouldn't have told you that, and he was much older than you when he decided to leave. And I say you go to school. Right Billie?"
She turned round to face him, scowling a little as he cursed himself inside for even mentioning it.
"Erm yeah sure Jakob. Be a good boy for me and go to school."
"But dad you said school was pointless... "
Billie caught another glare off of his wife again. It didn't help when his kids were so curious.
"No, I shouldn't have said that. Your mother's right. Do as she says and go to school for me."
Jakob looked confusingly at the ground, kicking the floor as he proceeded to go up the stairs.
"Whatever... "
He slowly plodded up the stairs, clinging onto the rail for support as he went, stomping a little in a mood.
And another thing Billie Joe noticed - his son was developing an attitude.
Adrienne turned to Billie, her arms crossed once again and frowning.
"You really shouldn't have told him that." She sighed before moving into the kitchen.
Billie Joe used this as an opportunity to talk to her, following her through into their family kitchen.
"Now I'm going to have to put up with him moaning about school all week because you told him that it was pointless."
She picked up a table cloth and a plate from off of the drainer, wiping it clean and stacking it away before moving onto the next item.
"I didn't tell him it was pointless," he tried to defend himself. "I just said that when you leave school you don't need to remember anything."
He picked up a bowl too, helping her to stack the kitchen utensils away but without wiping them clean first.
"Ok then," she recollected her thoughts. "Put it this way. One day I'm gonna be called into the principles office because our son has stuck glue on his teacher's chair."
Billie leaned against the kitchen work counter.
"It was a light hearted comment."
"It was an un-necessary comment Billie."
The guitarist ran his fingers through his hair, sighing to himself. It seemed he couldn't do anything right these days.
He was so tired, he could feel the dark circles that had formed into bags that were under his eyes.
"I was just talking to him Addi. You know I meant no harm, don'tcha?"
She stood up from putting the last plate away in the lower cupboard by sink, leaning against the kitchen work surface too with one arm. She placed the other on her hip and looked at him with those big brown beautiful eyes of hers that always seemed to swallow him up.
"I know you don't Billie. It's just... Just... " She sighed deeply, looking down at the floor with all the energy drained out of her from the days work. "It's just been so hectic today. I mean, I wasn't expecting you to come home today. The tour doesn't even finish for another 2 months yet. I don't understand why you came home suddenly without even telling me."
Billie made his chance and moved forward, slowly wrapping his hands round the back of his wife's body.
"Because I wanted to surprise you." He simply told her, taking a loose strand of her hair and tucking it behind her ear.
She smiled sweetly, locking eye contact with him before she lent forward and pressed her lips against his.
Billie Joe felt a little awkward to say the least, but it was his wife. He had to play it cool, and deep down he did love Adrienne still. He just had affections elsewhere.
She cupped her hands around his jaw line, bringing him towards her again for another kiss. This time deeper.
"I've missed you." She told him before leaning back against the kitchen table and drawing him against her. "A lot... "
Billie Joe just simply smiled before continuing to obey his wife's lips.
"I've missed you too... "
But I'm missing Stef right now. I crave for her and yet I can't have her.
With Joey being at his friend's house for the night and Jakob tucked safely up in bed and asleep, there was only one thing on mind at the time.
Adrienne unbuttoned Billie's shirt as their lips never ceased to part. He comfortably placed his hands on her ass, letting her undress him as he did so.
Grabbing his hand she led him up the stairs and into their bedroom, where she kicked the door shut before throwing him onto the bed.
Billie watching as his wife undressed them both; he felt a sense of vulnerability come over him. He couldn't stop it, not matter what he felt for the girl who was lying in a bed on her own across the states crying her eyes out because she missed him so.
He felt guilty, but there was nothing in his power that he could do without there being consequences later on.
So he let her.
He let his wife Adrienne Armstrong crawl on top of him and together they fucked the living daylights out of each other for the first time in months.
Just like he had done with Stef the night before.
* * * * * * * *
Billie Joe lay next to his sleeping wife, his eyes wide open and resting upon her as he watched her peacefully.
He was so confused, so many thoughts going round his head it was giving him a migraine.
Everything had just happened so quickly. He hadn't even had a chance to speak, let alone think properly.
He had betrayed Stef, and he wanted to take a leaf out of her book and harm himself. Just to take away the confusion and sadness he was feeling inside.
Sitting up and rolling out of the bed, he tiptoed into the bathroom suite and locked the door. Turning on the shower and stepping under the freezing cold water he stood there, shivering through and through and letting the water soak his hair and matt across the top half of his face, dangling over his eyes.
Shaking, he reached for the shower gel and squeezed some into his palm, madly scrubbing it across his whole body and digging his nails into his own skin as he did so.
Wishing to wash away all his troubles and sins, he scathed his skin with the gel, digging his fingers into his arms and scratching at himself because he couldn't do anything.
He wanted to scrap away all traces of what he had done, to both people.
He felt so dirty, for what he had done. He thought he could have coped with it, but obviously not. He was a nervous wreck and he was so torn between the two people he loved the most.
Stepping out of the shower he wrapped a towel around his middle, looking into the mirror at his reflection and hating himself right now.
Fucking dipshit. You dipshit. You fucking dispshit Billie Joe. YOU FUCKING DIPSHIT YOU SHITFACE. You dipshit in loving two people. You fucking dispshit. DIPSHIT. What about Stef? Did you ever stop to think about her Billie? Did you, huh? Dipshit. DIPSHIT.
His bottom lip quivered a little as he thought of what the hell to do, because in reality - there was NOTHING he could do. It was too far advanced to cover up or break away from.
And he did love Stef, but Adrienne was his wife.
His soul mate.
But now he was starting to wonder whether Stef was his soul mate.
Or whether he had a soul mate at all.
He was so confused right now, he didn't know what to do.
Covering his face with his hand he crumbled, crouching down and whimpering to himself. How was he going to cope? He loved his wife so much, and yet he seemed to be head over heels in love with Stef.
He needed to get out, have some fresh air - clear his head.
Wiping his eyes dry and knowing that he had to sort things outside inside of him, he stood up and splashed his face over with cold water.
Reaching up into the cabinet and popping a paracetamol pill, he swallowed it back and ran his hand through his wet dishevelled hair.
He opened the bathroom suite door, unlocking it quietly and stepping out of the steam filled room and into their bedroom where his wife still lay sleeping in their bed. Bending down carefully, he picked up his clothes he had let her tear off of him before and tiptoed out of the room.
Closing the door behind him he crept down stairs and dressed himself once again before picking up his keys from off of the coffee table. He pocketed his wallet before checking that all electricity was off in his house and leaving through the front door.
* * * * * * * *
Billie Joe wandered down the empty desolate boulevard, arms crossed over his chest and deep in thought.
He didn't know what to do anymore. He was so confused and lost within himself that he didn't seem to know who he really was. He had thought that by coming back home he would have been able to resolve his problems, and maybe in the way that Addi saw it things HAD got better. In a way they had made up and forgiven each other, but to Billie it just made him feel even more awkward.
He wasn't supposed to feel like this after just having slept with his own wife of 11 years. He wasn't supposed to wash himself clean straight after and feel the sadness he was feeling right now.
He had fucked up everything so badly, and he dam well knew it.
It wasn't a nice feeling and he just wanted it to go away before it did any more harm to him. Never before he had felt so confused and torn between two people.
Before there had only ever been Adrienne - but now his whole world had been turned upside down.
Ever since that fateful day when Mike had heard Stef playing one of their songs on her guitar through their walls and had decided to knock on her door.
Billie Joe cursed himself for falling for Stef, and she cursed herself for falling victim to the guitarist's charms knowing that he had a family. But he knew deep down that he loved her, and he knew for a fact that she loved him equally back, maybe more than he thought.
He felt such a failure; because he had mucked her about so many times it was unbelievable. The most surprising thing though was that no matter how many times he had fucked up, she had always taken him back in and forgiven him.
She had nearly died because of him, and the guilt was still overwhelming him. Every time he closed his eyes he would see Stef lying there in his arms, covered in blood and slowly dying.
And it tormented him like fucking hell.
In the last few months his personal life had been so complicated and hectic that he could of easily lost all control.
Still feeling guilty for everything that had happened, he made his way across the boulevard through the darkness and onto the other side.
Slipping into a phone booth, he picked some loose change from out of his pocket and slot it into the machine. Picking up the phone and pressing it to his ear, he dialled the phone number to the hotel back in Philadelphia.
Calling the hotel around midnight was risky, and he knew it was late - but he had to do this. It was the only thing that was on his mind at the moment.
He let the phone operator receive his call and transfer it to room number 798. Waiting nervously as he listened to the line ringing, he prayed desperately to himself.
Please let her answer. Please let her be awake still. Please, please, please.
There was a crackle as the phone picked up on the other end, making his heart skip a beat.
"Hello...?" Stef groaned on the other end of the phone, mostly still asleep.
Billie Joe swallowed hard at the sound of her voice, making him rigid with guilt and heartache.
"Hello...?" She asked again, wondering whom it was that was calling her at such a late time in the evening.
He couldn't bring himself to say anything, he was so taken back with guilt that he could not speak.
Any second now he was half expecting to break out into a verse of Lionel Ritchie and start singing 'Hello' down the phone to her.
"Billie...?" She asked, a glimmer of hope rising in her voice.
"I... I love you... " He simply said, choking back tears as one managed to escape and roll down his cheek.
And then he hung up on her, leaving it at that because he couldn't stand it any longer.
He couldn't bring himself to say anything else, he just had to hear her voice and tell her that he loved her.
Whimpering a little to himself, he leaned against the side to the phone booth and pressed his head against the glass, looking up at the ceiling and letting his tears for once escape his eyes.
And then he knew he was screwed.
