A Note Don't Come Easy, chapter 44
A few months had passed, and surprisingly, Billie and I were still together. Time had gone so quickly, and we had moved across the whole of the States. The tour for them had kicked off again, and it meant many lonely nights for me whilst Billie was on stage performing to thousands of Green Day's fans.
Occasionally I would go with them and watch from the wings, or sit backstage and listen to them. But sometimes I chose to stay behind, just because I still had this fear of the press suddenly appearing around the corner whenever we were together.
Billie had 'supposedly' sorted things out with Adrienne, or so he told me. But he would never tell me what had actually happened between them at the beginning of the year.
For some reason, it was a dream to myself that I was still here - and that we hadn't been found out. It was risky, since now the band were back on tour and were passing with new people. I found it was a secret to hide from more, but it also had its good sides.
I had also made good friends with Jason White, and even though I was nervous when Billie had first introduced me to him as his partner, he was a really nice guy.
*
"Wait here," Billie Joe told me, leaving me outside a room where the rest of the band sat. "I'll be back in sec."
I nodded as he briefly stroked my arm before passing through the door and entering the room.
Before he had even entered the room there we're greets of 'Hey Billie' or 'Billie Boy' from the other 3 guys inside.
I peered around the corner a bit to look through the window of the door to see Billie giving Jason a hug.
I watched as Billie talked to Jason, only muffled noises being the thing I could hear through the door.
Billie Joe stood for a couple of minutes, explaining to Jason before cocking his head to one side to indicate outside the room.
Then I saw them both heading towards the door, as Mike and Tre watched. Billie Joe swung off his sunglasses and clipped them on the neckline to his T-shirt.
"Jason, this is Stef." He introduced, opening his arm out to 'present' me to him.
I didn't know what to say. All I could think of was;
What's he thinking? I bet he thinks I'm a whore and that Billie's stupid.
I reached out my hand towards him, offering him a handshake. "Hey Jason."
"Hey Stef." He replied, but instead of returning the handshake, threw his arms open and gave me a hug. "You alright?"
"Yeah," I replied, hugging him back and smiling whilst feeling relieved that he had accepted me. "You?"
He pulled away and looked straight at me, a friendly smile upon his face.
"Yeah, I'm good thanks. I've heard a lot about you."
I looked at Billie from the corners of my eyes, raising my eyebrows.
"Really?"
"Yeah. Well, what I've heard of you from the last 5 minutes, it's all good." He commented light heartedly.
Laughing with him I turned to Billie, who wrapped his arm around the back of my neck and shoulders.
"I'm glad you like her J." He said, planting a kiss on my forehead.
*
It was July, and the guys had a gig to play in Orlando, Florida. They had a little time left before they went on, My Chemical Romance on stage getting the crowd ready for Green Day to give them the show of their lives.
Billie Joe was extremely quiet, something I had noticed before when having sat with them backstage times before.
He hardly spoke to anyone before he went on stage, he was too busy focusing himself and letting the adrenaline pump through his veins.
Tre stood in the middle of the room, throwing his drumsticks up in the air and catching them, occasionally letting one slip and tumble to the floor as he juggled them.
Mike was scattered about the place, in and out of the rooms - talking to people and 'getting pumped' as he put it.
And then there was me, sitting on a chair in the corner, watching Billie Joe pace about the room with a bottle of water in his hands.
I knew not to say anything to him, I didn't want to distract him or put him off task before he went on stage.
He came over and sat next to me, not saying a word - but only taking a sip of his water. He sat with the bottle cupped in his palms, staring at the floor as he thought.
I watched him, studying his profile, as he didn't dare to stir.
It just showed how determined of a guy Billie Joe was.
Soon the guys were up and heading towards the wings of the stage, waiting for their queue to go on. Usually I sat backstage and watched them go, but this time, Billie grabbed hold of my arm and took me with him.
Quirking an eyebrow, I let myself be led by the punk rocker as I heard 'Blitzkrieg Bop' blasting into the arena ahead.
Pumping themselves up and watching them get ready to go on, I saw the familiar sight of the Pink Bunny walk back stage and take the head mask off. Smiling at the band, the man in the suit headed off to change and all I could do was laugh.
After being indicated to go on, the band one by one filed up and walked into the wings to pick up their instruments, smoke billowing out between their figures from the machine behind them.
Being one of the last to head off, Billie suddenly grabbed me and kissed me, cupping my face with his hands and closing his eyes.
Still a little surprised but not complaining, I returned the offer, Jason smiling as he walked past.
"You alright' Stef?" He commented, laughing as he watched the two of us. "Come on Billie. Stop floundering your tongue down her throat and get on stage. Plenty of time for sex and bondage later."
Grabbing Billie by the sleeve of his shirt, he pulled him away, pushing him towards the stage with him.
"Later!" He shouted, waving to me as Jason continued to urge him towards the roadie holding his guitar.
And that was the last I saw of him for two hours, all I heard now was deafening screams coming from the arena as he walked onto the stage.
* * * * * * * *
The atmosphere was alive, Billie Joe bounding into the room and throwing his arms around me, kissing me on the side of the face. Like he hadn't seen me for months.
"You we're fucking awesome Billie." I told him, wrapped within his frame.
"You say that every time." He smirked.
"But I always mean it."
* * * * * * * *
Seeing as the band had to stay backstage for at least an hour to wait for the crowd to disappear, we didn't hurry in packing things up and saying goodbye to each other for another night.
But once the time had passed, Billie Joe, Mike, Jason, Tre and I headed out the back to the stage towards our pick-ups.
Laughing amongst ourselves about a gag Tre had just made, we stopped when someone headed towards us.
"Hey," someone called, heading our way. "I've been waiting for the last hour out here. I'm fucking freezing."
She looked possibly older than me, and dam, she was pretty.
"The gig was awesome." She commented, smiling.
"Well, hel-lo there." Tre lingered, grinning cheekily and taking her hand to kiss upon it. "And what would your name be?"
"Emma."
Tre's face widened into a smile. Briefly saying hi to everyone and meeting the guys, Emma took autographs off of each of them, shaking their hands along the way too. I just watched, and it made me smile.
How they treat their fans, and how god dam grateful they were to each and everyone of them.
"Come on, let's head back." Billie whispered to me, wrapping his arm around me and heading off. "Nice meeting you Emma!" He called to her, waving before we headed off.
Leaving Mike trying to pull Tre away from her, Jason leaving in the opposite direction to us.
* * * * * * * *
Sitting in the hotel, Billie Joe and I sat close together - just talking sweetly and enjoying taking time out with each other. It was just us. Nobody else. And I loved it.
"Well, King for a day is always a treat." I carried on, talking about the night's gig.
"Is that because I get my jell-o out?" He asked laughing.
"No, but I get to see that everyday anyways."
"Hmmm." He raised an eyebrow. "Think yourself a lucky one then."
"Oh, I do." I laughed.
Giggling and laughing amongst each other, he clasped his arms around me and kissed me firmly on the cheek; cuddling me softly.
Then he dropped the shit on me.
"I wanna meet your parents." He suddenly blurted out.
I wanna meet your parents.
Suddenly, like a bullet ripping out, I shot up from lying against him and stared at him. Horror in my eyes.
My eyes widening at him, he just looked back at me with a pleading look.
"You... what?" I asked him, my lip trembling.
He sighed deeply.
I knew she was going to act like this.
"I wanna take you back to the UK and... meet your parents." He repeated quietly.
I stared at him, trembling and my heart beating wildly.
Why? Why does he want to take me back? Why does he want to meet them? He said I'd never have to face them again. Never ever. Why would he do this to me? Why? I don't understand it. Just... why?
"No way." I snapped, shaking my head at him. "No fucking way."
"Please Stef," he started, moving closer to me.
But I only backed away from him, like he were my parents himself. He had broken everything in asking me to do that.
"Don't." I told him, moving my arm out to stop him coming any nearer to me.
"Stef, don't be like that." He begged, speaking softly and trying to pull me closer to him.
"Don't touch me!" I yelled, backing into a corner.
He looked at me a little shocked; he hadn't expected me to react this much and this badly. "I am not going back there. You can't make me."
Billie Joe looked into my eyes sadly, and he somehow felt my pain and confusion.
"Come on Stef," he started again, whispering. "It'll only be for two days. We'll go tomorrow and we'll be back by Thursday."
"So you've already planned to take me then have you?" I yelled at him. "Whether I liked it or not, you were going to take me. It wasn't a question of whether I wanted to, because it didn't matter. You'd already planned it without telling me."
"Stef, it's not like that." He tried to tell me before I could accuse him of anything else.
"Yes it is Billie." I whispered coldly. "Yes it fucking is."
"Will you just give me a chance to explain?" He begged, raising his voice for the first time and clenching his fists together.
I looked at him, tears starting to form in my eyes - but keeping silent for him to speak. When he realised I had given him a chance, he sighed deeply.
"Thank you." He said at the silence I had given him. "I don't want to take you back because I want to put you through pain. That's not what I want for you, and you know it's true Stef."
Doesn't feel like it Billie Joe.
"I want to take you there, to ask... to ask them to give you away to me. Make you mine."
"I'm not a fucking auction stake Billie." I snapped, pulling the sleeves to my jacket over my hands, wrapping them tightly around me knees that were tucked under my chin.
"I didn't say you was." He told me, surprisingly understanding. "But they still have that bind over you Stef. And you know it's there. I know it worries you, because I've heard you shout it out at night sometimes in your sleep."
Damn fucking you Billie Joe. Always knowing things you shouldn't.
"And I want that bind to go too Stef. I want it to go, so you never have to think about them again. Because you can't escape from them, no matter how far away you are when they still have some sort of power over you. I wanna show them how happy we are together, and I want them to give you away to me. Like adopt you, but not by law. And yeah, in a way I wanna throw all the pain and anger they gave you back at them."
I looked at him for a while, just staring into his eyes and crumbling.
I couldn't, I couldn't do it.
Didn't he ever think that if I went back, then possibly I would never return?
He edged towards me carefully, wrapping his arm around me and drawing me closer to him.
"Please Stef." He begged. "I know I'm asking for the world from you right now. And I know I'm being cruel, but it's the only way you're gonna be able to be free. I know, I know it's the hardest thing I'm asking you to do, and I know I promised that you'd never have to face them again, but this time, I really do promise. This will be the last time."
I looked up into his eyes, tears starting to run from my own as he cradled me.
"Please Stef... "
And then I cried.
* * * * * * * *
We sat in the waiting area, not saying a word to each other. Our flight was due for boarding in about 10 minutes. My flight back home.
My flight to hell.
Degrading my nails with my fingers, ripping them to pieces and breaking them down in my anxiety because I was so scared.
Why am I here? Why did I let him take me back home? Why do I even care?
Billie Joe looked down and saw me destroying my fingers, quirking an eyebrow and putting his hand towards mine and breaking them apart.
"Don't do that." He told me, speaking softly.
But I just shrugged him off.
He had to expect me acting like this. He was taking me back home for fucks sake.
"It'll be ok," he attempted at assuring me, placing his hand on my knee gently.
"No it wont." I snapped at him, scowling.
"I'll make sure he doesn't touch you. No one's going to hurt you."
"You don't know that."
"No," he agreed. "But if anyone tries, then they'll have me to deal with."
"That's it," I glared. "Always using your fist as the answer."
He stared at me, not knowing how to react to what I had just said.
"When have I ever hit you?" He asked, a little hurt.
"You haven't. But you went after those girls when they attacked me didn't you? Were gonna give them a piece of your mind."
"That's because I couldn't stand the thought of them hurting you." He tried to defend himself.
"What about Tre?" I blurted out. "At the Grammies, you hit him and gave him a fat lip."
"He called me a cu-"
"So now you're gonna beat my parents up? Great. Just what I need as well." I yelled, catching a few people's attention in the waiting area.
Billie Joe nervously looked around, trying to keep a low profile - but I was defeating the object.
"I'm not gonna beat them up!" He grunted through his clenched teeth.
"But you're gonna stop them from ever touching me, eh?" I sneered bitterly.
"Yes, I will! From what you've told me, and from what I know-"
"You know nothing Billie. Nothing." I bit back, biting my lip and my breathing suddenly becoming a lot heavier and letting out a rasp cough.
"Stef, what's wrong?" Billie Joe asked, abandoning the argument and looking at me in concern.
He placed his hand on my back, edging towards me and taking my hand in his other. I thought I was going to be sick. I couldn't breathe, my lungs felt closed, my mind spinning with so many thoughts and anxiety finally taking its toll upon me.
"Stef?" He questioned again as I gasped for breath. "What's wrong?"
"I don't know." I gasped, wheezing. "I don't fucking know."
Billie Joe's eyes suddenly widened as he realised what was happening. He lent his head down to look at me as I creased up, gasping for air.
"Stef, Stef babes." He started. "Listen to me. You're having a panic attack ok? Now, just try and keep calm, take deep breaths and try not to cough because you'll start again."
I tried to do as he told me, trying to calm myself down and take in some deep breaths.
"Don't think about home right now, ok? I think that's what might have started the attack. Just keep taking those deep breaths and you'll feel better in a couple of minutes."
Taking in deep gulps of air and filling my lungs, I closed my eyes - focusing on trying to keep myself calm.
Billie passed me a brown paper bag from out of his hand luggage, opening it up using his free hand, the other still clutched around my shoulder.
"Here," he said. "Take this, and breathe into it. It should help."
Taking it from him and doing exactly as he told, I put the bag to my mouth and constantly filled it up and out with oxygen.
"You didn't tell me you suffered from panic attacks."
"I don't." I snapped. "You're the one who made me fucking come here anyway."
He looked a little sorrow, hanging his head a little in shame before I continued in between breaths.
"I... I don't like flying either." I admitted, breathing back into the bag, which kept blowing up and down every time I used it. "I'm terrified of it."
"Then how'd you make it here without having an attack?" He asked.
"I was fucking desperate, ok? I had to get out of there. You'd do the same. I'd had enough time to mentally prepare myself to get on a plane. I wanted to get out so bad that I just had to overcome it for a day. I've only known since yesterday I was going to fly again. I haven't had time have I? I was so so desperate to get out and away from them. So god damn desperate. Just like you are now to meet them."
* * * * * * * *
It wasn't until after we had got to the UK that Billie Joe realised how much of an effect this was having on me. I was deadly silent.
Driving along in a hired car he had booked the previous day, Billie Joe concentrated on driving safely on the roads - as the codes where different. Not to mention that you drove on the side of the road in the UK and the steering wheel was on the other side of the car.
Driving from Heathrow airport down to Surrey, he hardly spoke either - looking out the window every so often to look at signs and see if he was heading in the right direction.
And it all looked too familiar.
I felt so sick, sitting in the front seat and not saying a word - but instead biting my nails and wanting to throw my guts up onto the side of the road.
"This look familiar?" He asked, wanting to know if he was heading the right way.
"Hmmm." I grumbled. "Too familiar."
He guiltily looked on, trying to forget what I had just said and concentrate on driving.
It wasn't until we got near my local grounding that I reluctantly gave him directions. I could have told him a complete load of bull, taking us in the opposite direction and away from it all. But for some strange reason, I didn't. I was bitter about it, but I never stopped him.
"This your road?" He asked.
I sighed. "Yup."
An awkward silence descended upon us.
"That one." I said, hanging my head.
"Hmm?"
"That one." I repeated, pointing to a house through the window, but refusing to look at my home.
Getting out of the car seemed to be one of the hardest things I had to do. Stepping out after Billie Joe given me a hug and re-assuring me that everything was going to be ok, all I wanted to do was be sick.
He didn't know my mum or Tom.
Taking a deep breath, I stared at the house. My home.
Billie keeping close behind, I headed up the footpath, stepping lightly and all the colour draining from me.
Suddenly I turned around, and went to head back towards the car at a run - only to fall into Billie who held onto me. I tried to struggle free, but I just let go when I knew that he wouldn't. He took my face in his hands and looked through my tears.
"We'll do this together."
Kissing me softly on the lips I lingered, wanting to escape from it all. But I knew had to do this.
Biting my lip as he held onto my hand, I walked up to the door. Slipping my keys from out of my pocket that I kept all of this time, I let myself in. Only to stand there and think about what I was doing before finally turning the key and opening the door.
I can't run away. Ever run away. You run away everything come back onto you and hurt you sweetly.
Stepping into the house and darkness, I anxiously looked around - half expecting one of them to jump on me.
Stepping over clutter and belongs that lay sprawled across the floor; I walked into the living room. And then someone walked into the room from the kitchen.
"Hi mum." I muttered, nervously looking at the floor.
I couldn't bear to face her, and I couldn't stand not knowing where Tom was. Not knowing when he was going to jump out on me, attack me and take me away from Billie. He was the worst one.
He's waiting for the day when he gets me.
She just stared at me, not saying anything. The awkward silence was killing me, gripping hold of Billie's hand tighter and possibly crushing his bones. I watched as her eyes moved from me to stare at Billie.
"Mum, this is Billie Joe." I introduced bluntly, still not giving her any eye contact and indicating to Billie - who just looked at her, hardly smiling.
I'm a puppet not a whore.
"I know who he fucking is." She snipped, scowling at me before turning back to Billie to glare some more.
"Well, um... we're, um... " I stuttered, not knowing how to tell her and still looking at the floor.
I just need this stage to be seen.
"We're together." Billie blurted out, telling her clear.
I shot my head up suddenly to see her reaction, and I stared straight into her eyes.
They narrowed as she stared at us, pursing her lip a little before ignoring me and all the time glaring at Billie.
We all need a pantomime to remind us what is real.
Part of me wanted my mum to scoop me up in her arms and take care of me again, but it wasn't going to happen.
Hold my eye and know what it means.
Then it hit me. Billie Joe was meeting my mother. I was at [/i]home.[/i] Not in a hotel in America, having a good time and loving Billie Joe freely. Home.
I'm out of my mind.
Occasionally I would go with them and watch from the wings, or sit backstage and listen to them. But sometimes I chose to stay behind, just because I still had this fear of the press suddenly appearing around the corner whenever we were together.
Billie had 'supposedly' sorted things out with Adrienne, or so he told me. But he would never tell me what had actually happened between them at the beginning of the year.
For some reason, it was a dream to myself that I was still here - and that we hadn't been found out. It was risky, since now the band were back on tour and were passing with new people. I found it was a secret to hide from more, but it also had its good sides.
I had also made good friends with Jason White, and even though I was nervous when Billie had first introduced me to him as his partner, he was a really nice guy.
*
"Wait here," Billie Joe told me, leaving me outside a room where the rest of the band sat. "I'll be back in sec."
I nodded as he briefly stroked my arm before passing through the door and entering the room.
Before he had even entered the room there we're greets of 'Hey Billie' or 'Billie Boy' from the other 3 guys inside.
I peered around the corner a bit to look through the window of the door to see Billie giving Jason a hug.
I watched as Billie talked to Jason, only muffled noises being the thing I could hear through the door.
Billie Joe stood for a couple of minutes, explaining to Jason before cocking his head to one side to indicate outside the room.
Then I saw them both heading towards the door, as Mike and Tre watched. Billie Joe swung off his sunglasses and clipped them on the neckline to his T-shirt.
"Jason, this is Stef." He introduced, opening his arm out to 'present' me to him.
I didn't know what to say. All I could think of was;
What's he thinking? I bet he thinks I'm a whore and that Billie's stupid.
I reached out my hand towards him, offering him a handshake. "Hey Jason."
"Hey Stef." He replied, but instead of returning the handshake, threw his arms open and gave me a hug. "You alright?"
"Yeah," I replied, hugging him back and smiling whilst feeling relieved that he had accepted me. "You?"
He pulled away and looked straight at me, a friendly smile upon his face.
"Yeah, I'm good thanks. I've heard a lot about you."
I looked at Billie from the corners of my eyes, raising my eyebrows.
"Really?"
"Yeah. Well, what I've heard of you from the last 5 minutes, it's all good." He commented light heartedly.
Laughing with him I turned to Billie, who wrapped his arm around the back of my neck and shoulders.
"I'm glad you like her J." He said, planting a kiss on my forehead.
*
It was July, and the guys had a gig to play in Orlando, Florida. They had a little time left before they went on, My Chemical Romance on stage getting the crowd ready for Green Day to give them the show of their lives.
Billie Joe was extremely quiet, something I had noticed before when having sat with them backstage times before.
He hardly spoke to anyone before he went on stage, he was too busy focusing himself and letting the adrenaline pump through his veins.
Tre stood in the middle of the room, throwing his drumsticks up in the air and catching them, occasionally letting one slip and tumble to the floor as he juggled them.
Mike was scattered about the place, in and out of the rooms - talking to people and 'getting pumped' as he put it.
And then there was me, sitting on a chair in the corner, watching Billie Joe pace about the room with a bottle of water in his hands.
I knew not to say anything to him, I didn't want to distract him or put him off task before he went on stage.
He came over and sat next to me, not saying a word - but only taking a sip of his water. He sat with the bottle cupped in his palms, staring at the floor as he thought.
I watched him, studying his profile, as he didn't dare to stir.
It just showed how determined of a guy Billie Joe was.
Soon the guys were up and heading towards the wings of the stage, waiting for their queue to go on. Usually I sat backstage and watched them go, but this time, Billie grabbed hold of my arm and took me with him.
Quirking an eyebrow, I let myself be led by the punk rocker as I heard 'Blitzkrieg Bop' blasting into the arena ahead.
Pumping themselves up and watching them get ready to go on, I saw the familiar sight of the Pink Bunny walk back stage and take the head mask off. Smiling at the band, the man in the suit headed off to change and all I could do was laugh.
After being indicated to go on, the band one by one filed up and walked into the wings to pick up their instruments, smoke billowing out between their figures from the machine behind them.
Being one of the last to head off, Billie suddenly grabbed me and kissed me, cupping my face with his hands and closing his eyes.
Still a little surprised but not complaining, I returned the offer, Jason smiling as he walked past.
"You alright' Stef?" He commented, laughing as he watched the two of us. "Come on Billie. Stop floundering your tongue down her throat and get on stage. Plenty of time for sex and bondage later."
Grabbing Billie by the sleeve of his shirt, he pulled him away, pushing him towards the stage with him.
"Later!" He shouted, waving to me as Jason continued to urge him towards the roadie holding his guitar.
And that was the last I saw of him for two hours, all I heard now was deafening screams coming from the arena as he walked onto the stage.
* * * * * * * *
The atmosphere was alive, Billie Joe bounding into the room and throwing his arms around me, kissing me on the side of the face. Like he hadn't seen me for months.
"You we're fucking awesome Billie." I told him, wrapped within his frame.
"You say that every time." He smirked.
"But I always mean it."
* * * * * * * *
Seeing as the band had to stay backstage for at least an hour to wait for the crowd to disappear, we didn't hurry in packing things up and saying goodbye to each other for another night.
But once the time had passed, Billie Joe, Mike, Jason, Tre and I headed out the back to the stage towards our pick-ups.
Laughing amongst ourselves about a gag Tre had just made, we stopped when someone headed towards us.
"Hey," someone called, heading our way. "I've been waiting for the last hour out here. I'm fucking freezing."
She looked possibly older than me, and dam, she was pretty.
"The gig was awesome." She commented, smiling.
"Well, hel-lo there." Tre lingered, grinning cheekily and taking her hand to kiss upon it. "And what would your name be?"
"Emma."
Tre's face widened into a smile. Briefly saying hi to everyone and meeting the guys, Emma took autographs off of each of them, shaking their hands along the way too. I just watched, and it made me smile.
How they treat their fans, and how god dam grateful they were to each and everyone of them.
"Come on, let's head back." Billie whispered to me, wrapping his arm around me and heading off. "Nice meeting you Emma!" He called to her, waving before we headed off.
Leaving Mike trying to pull Tre away from her, Jason leaving in the opposite direction to us.
* * * * * * * *
Sitting in the hotel, Billie Joe and I sat close together - just talking sweetly and enjoying taking time out with each other. It was just us. Nobody else. And I loved it.
"Well, King for a day is always a treat." I carried on, talking about the night's gig.
"Is that because I get my jell-o out?" He asked laughing.
"No, but I get to see that everyday anyways."
"Hmmm." He raised an eyebrow. "Think yourself a lucky one then."
"Oh, I do." I laughed.
Giggling and laughing amongst each other, he clasped his arms around me and kissed me firmly on the cheek; cuddling me softly.
Then he dropped the shit on me.
"I wanna meet your parents." He suddenly blurted out.
I wanna meet your parents.
Suddenly, like a bullet ripping out, I shot up from lying against him and stared at him. Horror in my eyes.
My eyes widening at him, he just looked back at me with a pleading look.
"You... what?" I asked him, my lip trembling.
He sighed deeply.
I knew she was going to act like this.
"I wanna take you back to the UK and... meet your parents." He repeated quietly.
I stared at him, trembling and my heart beating wildly.
Why? Why does he want to take me back? Why does he want to meet them? He said I'd never have to face them again. Never ever. Why would he do this to me? Why? I don't understand it. Just... why?
"No way." I snapped, shaking my head at him. "No fucking way."
"Please Stef," he started, moving closer to me.
But I only backed away from him, like he were my parents himself. He had broken everything in asking me to do that.
"Don't." I told him, moving my arm out to stop him coming any nearer to me.
"Stef, don't be like that." He begged, speaking softly and trying to pull me closer to him.
"Don't touch me!" I yelled, backing into a corner.
He looked at me a little shocked; he hadn't expected me to react this much and this badly. "I am not going back there. You can't make me."
Billie Joe looked into my eyes sadly, and he somehow felt my pain and confusion.
"Come on Stef," he started again, whispering. "It'll only be for two days. We'll go tomorrow and we'll be back by Thursday."
"So you've already planned to take me then have you?" I yelled at him. "Whether I liked it or not, you were going to take me. It wasn't a question of whether I wanted to, because it didn't matter. You'd already planned it without telling me."
"Stef, it's not like that." He tried to tell me before I could accuse him of anything else.
"Yes it is Billie." I whispered coldly. "Yes it fucking is."
"Will you just give me a chance to explain?" He begged, raising his voice for the first time and clenching his fists together.
I looked at him, tears starting to form in my eyes - but keeping silent for him to speak. When he realised I had given him a chance, he sighed deeply.
"Thank you." He said at the silence I had given him. "I don't want to take you back because I want to put you through pain. That's not what I want for you, and you know it's true Stef."
Doesn't feel like it Billie Joe.
"I want to take you there, to ask... to ask them to give you away to me. Make you mine."
"I'm not a fucking auction stake Billie." I snapped, pulling the sleeves to my jacket over my hands, wrapping them tightly around me knees that were tucked under my chin.
"I didn't say you was." He told me, surprisingly understanding. "But they still have that bind over you Stef. And you know it's there. I know it worries you, because I've heard you shout it out at night sometimes in your sleep."
Damn fucking you Billie Joe. Always knowing things you shouldn't.
"And I want that bind to go too Stef. I want it to go, so you never have to think about them again. Because you can't escape from them, no matter how far away you are when they still have some sort of power over you. I wanna show them how happy we are together, and I want them to give you away to me. Like adopt you, but not by law. And yeah, in a way I wanna throw all the pain and anger they gave you back at them."
I looked at him for a while, just staring into his eyes and crumbling.
I couldn't, I couldn't do it.
Didn't he ever think that if I went back, then possibly I would never return?
He edged towards me carefully, wrapping his arm around me and drawing me closer to him.
"Please Stef." He begged. "I know I'm asking for the world from you right now. And I know I'm being cruel, but it's the only way you're gonna be able to be free. I know, I know it's the hardest thing I'm asking you to do, and I know I promised that you'd never have to face them again, but this time, I really do promise. This will be the last time."
I looked up into his eyes, tears starting to run from my own as he cradled me.
"Please Stef... "
And then I cried.
* * * * * * * *
We sat in the waiting area, not saying a word to each other. Our flight was due for boarding in about 10 minutes. My flight back home.
My flight to hell.
Degrading my nails with my fingers, ripping them to pieces and breaking them down in my anxiety because I was so scared.
Why am I here? Why did I let him take me back home? Why do I even care?
Billie Joe looked down and saw me destroying my fingers, quirking an eyebrow and putting his hand towards mine and breaking them apart.
"Don't do that." He told me, speaking softly.
But I just shrugged him off.
He had to expect me acting like this. He was taking me back home for fucks sake.
"It'll be ok," he attempted at assuring me, placing his hand on my knee gently.
"No it wont." I snapped at him, scowling.
"I'll make sure he doesn't touch you. No one's going to hurt you."
"You don't know that."
"No," he agreed. "But if anyone tries, then they'll have me to deal with."
"That's it," I glared. "Always using your fist as the answer."
He stared at me, not knowing how to react to what I had just said.
"When have I ever hit you?" He asked, a little hurt.
"You haven't. But you went after those girls when they attacked me didn't you? Were gonna give them a piece of your mind."
"That's because I couldn't stand the thought of them hurting you." He tried to defend himself.
"What about Tre?" I blurted out. "At the Grammies, you hit him and gave him a fat lip."
"He called me a cu-"
"So now you're gonna beat my parents up? Great. Just what I need as well." I yelled, catching a few people's attention in the waiting area.
Billie Joe nervously looked around, trying to keep a low profile - but I was defeating the object.
"I'm not gonna beat them up!" He grunted through his clenched teeth.
"But you're gonna stop them from ever touching me, eh?" I sneered bitterly.
"Yes, I will! From what you've told me, and from what I know-"
"You know nothing Billie. Nothing." I bit back, biting my lip and my breathing suddenly becoming a lot heavier and letting out a rasp cough.
"Stef, what's wrong?" Billie Joe asked, abandoning the argument and looking at me in concern.
He placed his hand on my back, edging towards me and taking my hand in his other. I thought I was going to be sick. I couldn't breathe, my lungs felt closed, my mind spinning with so many thoughts and anxiety finally taking its toll upon me.
"Stef?" He questioned again as I gasped for breath. "What's wrong?"
"I don't know." I gasped, wheezing. "I don't fucking know."
Billie Joe's eyes suddenly widened as he realised what was happening. He lent his head down to look at me as I creased up, gasping for air.
"Stef, Stef babes." He started. "Listen to me. You're having a panic attack ok? Now, just try and keep calm, take deep breaths and try not to cough because you'll start again."
I tried to do as he told me, trying to calm myself down and take in some deep breaths.
"Don't think about home right now, ok? I think that's what might have started the attack. Just keep taking those deep breaths and you'll feel better in a couple of minutes."
Taking in deep gulps of air and filling my lungs, I closed my eyes - focusing on trying to keep myself calm.
Billie passed me a brown paper bag from out of his hand luggage, opening it up using his free hand, the other still clutched around my shoulder.
"Here," he said. "Take this, and breathe into it. It should help."
Taking it from him and doing exactly as he told, I put the bag to my mouth and constantly filled it up and out with oxygen.
"You didn't tell me you suffered from panic attacks."
"I don't." I snapped. "You're the one who made me fucking come here anyway."
He looked a little sorrow, hanging his head a little in shame before I continued in between breaths.
"I... I don't like flying either." I admitted, breathing back into the bag, which kept blowing up and down every time I used it. "I'm terrified of it."
"Then how'd you make it here without having an attack?" He asked.
"I was fucking desperate, ok? I had to get out of there. You'd do the same. I'd had enough time to mentally prepare myself to get on a plane. I wanted to get out so bad that I just had to overcome it for a day. I've only known since yesterday I was going to fly again. I haven't had time have I? I was so so desperate to get out and away from them. So god damn desperate. Just like you are now to meet them."
* * * * * * * *
It wasn't until after we had got to the UK that Billie Joe realised how much of an effect this was having on me. I was deadly silent.
Driving along in a hired car he had booked the previous day, Billie Joe concentrated on driving safely on the roads - as the codes where different. Not to mention that you drove on the side of the road in the UK and the steering wheel was on the other side of the car.
Driving from Heathrow airport down to Surrey, he hardly spoke either - looking out the window every so often to look at signs and see if he was heading in the right direction.
And it all looked too familiar.
I felt so sick, sitting in the front seat and not saying a word - but instead biting my nails and wanting to throw my guts up onto the side of the road.
"This look familiar?" He asked, wanting to know if he was heading the right way.
"Hmmm." I grumbled. "Too familiar."
He guiltily looked on, trying to forget what I had just said and concentrate on driving.
It wasn't until we got near my local grounding that I reluctantly gave him directions. I could have told him a complete load of bull, taking us in the opposite direction and away from it all. But for some strange reason, I didn't. I was bitter about it, but I never stopped him.
"This your road?" He asked.
I sighed. "Yup."
An awkward silence descended upon us.
"That one." I said, hanging my head.
"Hmm?"
"That one." I repeated, pointing to a house through the window, but refusing to look at my home.
Getting out of the car seemed to be one of the hardest things I had to do. Stepping out after Billie Joe given me a hug and re-assuring me that everything was going to be ok, all I wanted to do was be sick.
He didn't know my mum or Tom.
Taking a deep breath, I stared at the house. My home.
Billie keeping close behind, I headed up the footpath, stepping lightly and all the colour draining from me.
Suddenly I turned around, and went to head back towards the car at a run - only to fall into Billie who held onto me. I tried to struggle free, but I just let go when I knew that he wouldn't. He took my face in his hands and looked through my tears.
"We'll do this together."
Kissing me softly on the lips I lingered, wanting to escape from it all. But I knew had to do this.
Biting my lip as he held onto my hand, I walked up to the door. Slipping my keys from out of my pocket that I kept all of this time, I let myself in. Only to stand there and think about what I was doing before finally turning the key and opening the door.
I can't run away. Ever run away. You run away everything come back onto you and hurt you sweetly.
Stepping into the house and darkness, I anxiously looked around - half expecting one of them to jump on me.
Stepping over clutter and belongs that lay sprawled across the floor; I walked into the living room. And then someone walked into the room from the kitchen.
"Hi mum." I muttered, nervously looking at the floor.
I couldn't bear to face her, and I couldn't stand not knowing where Tom was. Not knowing when he was going to jump out on me, attack me and take me away from Billie. He was the worst one.
He's waiting for the day when he gets me.
She just stared at me, not saying anything. The awkward silence was killing me, gripping hold of Billie's hand tighter and possibly crushing his bones. I watched as her eyes moved from me to stare at Billie.
"Mum, this is Billie Joe." I introduced bluntly, still not giving her any eye contact and indicating to Billie - who just looked at her, hardly smiling.
I'm a puppet not a whore.
"I know who he fucking is." She snipped, scowling at me before turning back to Billie to glare some more.
"Well, um... we're, um... " I stuttered, not knowing how to tell her and still looking at the floor.
I just need this stage to be seen.
"We're together." Billie blurted out, telling her clear.
I shot my head up suddenly to see her reaction, and I stared straight into her eyes.
They narrowed as she stared at us, pursing her lip a little before ignoring me and all the time glaring at Billie.
We all need a pantomime to remind us what is real.
Part of me wanted my mum to scoop me up in her arms and take care of me again, but it wasn't going to happen.
Hold my eye and know what it means.
Then it hit me. Billie Joe was meeting my mother. I was at [/i]home.[/i] Not in a hotel in America, having a good time and loving Billie Joe freely. Home.
I'm out of my mind.
