A Note Don't Come Easy, chapter 46
Billie Joe and I had returned from England the very next day, the only reason that we having stayed over night being the fact that he needed to rest and let his cuts and bruises stew and soften up before he made the journey back.
We hadn't really talked about what had happened, it was a subject not to be touched.
Billie Joe never explained to Mike or Tre why he had a face that was bruised and swollen, and every time they asked he just said it was nothing.
But they knew something had happened, every time he told them to let it blow over they turned to me for an answer, but I didn't want to talk about it either.
The guilt of having watched my own step dad beat the living daylights out of Billie Joe was easier to handle if it wasn't mentioned or talk about.
And when Billie Joe went home for the first time since had had taken me back to England, Adrienne had demanded to know what had happened to him.
He told her it was nothing, just a bruising he had had with someone in a bar one night whilst drunk. The other person having been equally as drunk as him.
She partly didn't believe him, and constantly pestered him about it - but only because she cared so much for him.
She wanted to know why her husband was purple to the bone with bruises, why he had disappeared so quickly without saying goodbye from his last visit after they had slept together - and why he always put off her visits to see him in the hotels, and always insisted HE would visit HER.
It was a situation that he was stuck in, and had grown too big out of proportion to be put straight.
Billie had to have three times the amount of make up applied to him whilst touring to hide his bruises and cuts, and he felt so fake. Having to cover himself up, it just reminded him of how he had to cover up everything these days in order to keep the peace.
He hated the hiding and the sneaking around, he just wanted it to be all out and in the open.
He hated having these feelings locked up inside of him, burning down onto him and eroding away at the very core of his being.
Sometimes he thought about what would happen if he told Adrienne about me, or sometimes, he drifted off so far into his thoughts that he even thought about what it would be like if he cut me off, left me behind and made me a thing of the past.
But he couldn't do that. He then even hated himself for even thinking of that, and having stupid he would be if he did.
But wasn't he being stupid now?
He wished for things to be differently - he didn't know what exactly, but he was tired. He wanted a solution out with all the mess he had made, but he didn't know how.
And he wouldn't even talk to anyone about it. He felt that talking about would be like him admitting that he was sick with the way he was living, and that he wanted something different.
Admitting that maybe his relationship with me was ruining things.
And he didn't want to admit it.
Because by admitting it, it would confirm that his feeling were true and that was the last thing he wanted.
By not mentioning it, it made him feel that it was just a phrase, and that it would blow over soon.
But still the feelings tore at him until he started having regular anxiety attacks again. They drove him to insanity and he didn't know what to do anymore.
On stage he was a different person, doing what he did and enjoying every minute of it. He was able to forget everything for those 2 hours a day and shine. But as soon as he came off of stage, there he was again, back to reality and all those self inflicted feelings rained down onto him again and his mind became a place he started to despise.
It became so bad that it started to worry me, he wouldn't even talk to me sometimes and it tore at me, just like everything was tearing at him. I hoped it would go away, ease down and be, like he was hoping too, just a phrase.
The tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression.
Hang my head I wanna drown my sorrows
No tomorrow, no tomorrow.
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dieing are the best I've ever had.
And I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take.
When people run in circles
It's a very, very, mad world.
* * * * * * * *
Things grew better between us as time passed though, and Billie Joe was so relieved that he didn't have half as much to gnaw at him as he had before. It was like we had just met, that same refreshed and excited feeling.
I thought the worse had come and passed, but I was wrong.
Billie Joe had untold plans in his mind.
Thanksgiving.
It was December 2005, almost a year since we had first met. The band had wrapped up the American Idiot tour, and were planning on returning to the recording studios in the new year to start work on their next album.
But it was Christmas. Where I was meant to go?
Billie Joe had been thinking about it for a while. It was stupid, he dam well knew that, but he couldn't have me stay on my own for Christmas and New Year. Yes, it would be awkward and incredibly risky, but he wanted to be with me. He didn't want to be apart from me. And there was only one way in which he was going to make everyone happy.
"Stef, there's something I need to talk to you about." He started, taking my hand and sitting me down next to him.
Following him, I perched beside him, one leg curled under me as I did.
He sighed deeply, running hid finger over his forehead.
"I need to talk to you about Thanksgiving."
A lump rose in my throat, swallowing it back down harshly.
"I guess I'll have to stay here on my own." I sighed, slightly saddened by the thought.
"When?" He asked a little unsure of what I was talking about.
"For Christmas. I'll just have to, learn to live with it. But you'll be able to call me right?"
"Stef, what are you getting at?"
"You're going back home aren't you? I know you are and what can I do? Stay here until we can sort something out?"
"Stef, listen to me." He said, taking my hand again in his and looking at me. "You're not going to be alone."
I raised an eyebrow at him, taken off guard and not having a clue in my head to what else I could do.
"But, then how am--"
"You're coming with me."
I just stared silently at him, what he had just said slowly sinking into my mind.
"I'm, ... what?" I whispered, not understanding, my eyes widening.
"You're coming home with me to stay for Christmas."
"I-I don't understand... when you mean home, where do you mean? Like I'm going to Oakland and staying in a local hotel or-"
"No." He cut me off, suddenly becoming serious. "Home. With me. My home."
I just stared at him, blinking once, and then twice. I couldn't quite acknowledge what he had just said.
"You are kidding me, right?"
"No."
I stared at him again, my eyes widening and my heart pumping madly inside of me.
"So let me get this straight," I stared, laughing in the sense of mocking. "You want me, to go to your house for Christmas, where your wife and kids will be?"
He shrugged a little. "Yeah."
I stood up, laughing a little cruelly at him for being stupid. "Oh, great idea Billie."
I sarcastically waved my finger at him. "You know, I never thought of that idea. But you just keep coming up with these great plans. And just what am I gonna say to them? Hi, nice to meet. I'm Stef, I've been fucking Billie for the last half of the year?!"
He frowned. "No."
"Then what the hell are you going to say to them?!" I almost yelled.
"I have it all sorted out."
"Well I'm glad you have Billie Joe, because I haven't!"
"Just give me a fucking chance to speak okay?!" He shouted back, becoming defensive.
I folded my arms across my chest, staring at him whilst frowning as he looked at me with desperate eyes.
But I didn't understand what was going inside that head of his. He was slightly disturbed by the whole situation himself, but he was doing his best to make things work.
"I have a plan."
"Oh genius. And what's that? You gonna tell Adrienne about us and then ask to bring me round for Christmas to stay? Because that's just bloody awesome."
"Shut up." He sniped, glaring a little at me.
His sudden glare caught me, making me put down my guard a little.
She doesn't know. She doesn't know what it's like from this side. It's ok for her, she doesn't have to hide from anyone. I fucking do. God dammit to hell, if only she understood what I've been through. How I've tried to make things work, how I've put everything I have on the line. She doesn't know what it's like. She would never understand. I don't even fucking understand.
Eyeing him carefully, he swallowed back, staring at me still with those eyes of his. The eyes that told a hidden story.
"Every year, we go round either one our houses. Last year we were at Mike's, and this year we're staying out at mine. The guys are coming over for a couple of days so it wouldn't be just you."
"But what are you going to tell them about me? I can't just walk in. What are you going to say to them?"
He clasped his hands together tightly, before looking up at me before whispering;
"I'm going to tell them you're with Tre."
My eyes widened even further suddenly, not believing what I had just heard.
Tre. No not Tre. Why? Why Tre?
Knowing something that Billie didn't about how Tre felt, I wanted to suddenly blurt it all out to him. Maybe that way he would understand why I couldn't be played up with Tre - because he liked me a lot more than he thought. It just wasn't fair.
"No." I told him, shaking my head distraught. "I can't let you do this."
"Do what?"
"Pair me up with Tre. It's not fair. This is our problem, not his. We can't do that to him. Billie, how can you be so heartless?"
"Heartless? What do you mean, heartless? Tre said he'd help me, and that's what he's doing. And trust me, I need all the help I can fucking get."
"Help? What the dam for?" I yelled at him as he rolled off the bed and walked to the cabinet draw where he pulled out a box of cigarettes.
"You don't even fucking know." He grumbled, putting one to his lips before lighting it up, cupping his hands around the end as he did so.
"What's that supposed to mean?" I paused a little, waiting for an answer that he didn't reply to.
How could you be so heartless Billie? Why are you bringing Tre into this? It's not fair on him to play him like this with me. It's rubbing the shit into his face.
Why's it such a big deal? I don't understand. It's not like Tre likes Stef. They're just friends.
"Did you think about Tre? Did you think about how he felt? Does he really wanna be playing keep-the-couple-happy this Christmas?"
"Yes I thought about fucking Tre!" He sniped again, taking a drag from his cigarette and inhaling air straight after. "I've laid there at night thinking about it for the past week. You don't know Stef - you don't know what's going on up here!"
He pointed to his head, screwing his face up as all the emotion just blew a riot inside of him. "I can't do anything now. I thought I had things in control, but I don't! I fucking don't and it's all wrong! I try so hard and I can never do anything right. It may not seem like it Stef, but I'm screaming inside, wanting answers that nobody will give me. And I can't stop thinking about how much I've screwed everything up, and how one day, someone's gonna get hurt - and it'll be down to me! Does that ever occur to your fucking mind?"
"Billie, I - "
"Because I'm so torn Stef. You don't even know how much."
He let out a sob, covering his face with one of his hands whilst the other still held his cigarette. Feeling overwhelmed with guilt, I slid off of the bed and stood in front of him, cupping his face in my hands and pressing my forehead against his.
"Then, why don't you tell me what's going on inside your head? Then maybe, I'll understand." I whispered to him, the mood suddenly changed amongst us both. Indicting to his head by nodding my own in that direction, I looked into his eyes. "What's going on up there?"
"Everything."
* * * * * * * *
Sitting in the back of Billie's Ford Fairlane, Tre sat next to me - and it had never been so awkward. The drummer stared out of his window, thinking to himself and watching the world go by.
I just wish Billie hadn't brought him into this. It just wasn't fair.
Stopping at a gas station so Mike could run in and take some cash out of the machine, it just left us three on our own in the vehicle.
Billie turned around, twisting his body around the car seat and taking my hand to give it a squeeze.
"I'm doing this for us, okay?"
I nodded slowly, before glancing over at Tre who hadn't really flinched at the movement from us.
"It'll be fine." He carried on. "I'm not going say that I'm not nervous, because I am, but... we'll do this together okay? And it's not because I want to blow the shit further, I... I just need you to be here. I feel as if this needs to happen."
I wasn't going to question him. Nodding again I swallowed hard. I was going to meet Adrienne for the first time, and I had been sleeping with her husband for the last couple of months. What was I meant to do or think?
"I love you." He suddenly blurted out, catching me from my thoughts as I stared at him a while.
"Me-me too."
He smiled sweetly at me, before letting go of my hand to turn around as Mike opened the door and hoped back into the other side of the vehicle. It seemed like he was totally calm with it, as if nothing serious was happening and that I was supposed to be all happy go lucky about the whole thing. But I couldn't be. I looked over at Tre, who still sat silently next to me, his chin rested in his hand and staring out the window.
Shit Billie. You're torturing him.
"You ready to go?" Billie Joe asked Mike, watching as he slipped back on his seat belt after doing the same himself.
"Are you sure you wanna do this?"
Mike's blue eyes meet Billie's green as he looked up, looking stares for a moment as he raised an eyebrow at the guitarist.
Billie placed one hand firmly on the steering wheel before turning the keys in the ignition, sighing to himself. "Yeah. I'm sure."
* * * * * * * *
Sighing nervously again, Billie zipped off his seatbelt, stepping out of his vehicle and rubbing the palm of his hand against his forehead. He opened the door to let me out, Mike stepping out of the front too. I looked at him hesitantly, slowly slipping out of the back.
I stepped out, looking the front of his house over, knowing Adrienne and his boys were inside.
Shoving my hands into the fronts of my pockets I stared at the ground, shuffling my feet a little from side to side. Billie came up behind me, his keys dangling on the end of his index finger.
"Come on," he spoke quietly to me. "Let's take you in. Tre and Mike 'll bring the stuff in for us."
Following behind him timidly as he walked up the path to the front of his house, my heart beat madly inside of me.
This was it. The moment I had been dreading for so long. Except this time it wasn't going to be the truth.
"And remember, you're 21, from Philadelphia, and you met Tre-"
"In a bar one night after you guys had done a gig." I finished for him before looking up. "Billie I know. I'm not going to fuck it up ok?"
He nodded, looking at me one final time before opening up his front door with his key, the sounds of Joey and Jakob playing upstairs suddenly appearing as he did. He stepped inside, me following behind him close, my head kept low. I couldn't believe I was actually doing this still.
And then I heard her voice.
"Boys, don't make too much mess up there ok?"
Taking in a sharp inhale of breath, it felt as if I were going to black out in their house right there and then.
Hearing the door open, Adrienne turned to face us, a smile spreading across her face suddenly at the sight Billie Joe.
"Honey!" She squealed with delight as she almost ran towards him, flinging her arms around him and kissing his on the lips.
And there I was, standing there, watching as he lapped her up and kissed her gratefully back, grinning happily.
And I felt so awkward, so hurt by just watching them. It tugged at my heart, and dragged me down into a deeper pit of emotions.
"You're early." She commented, wrapping her arms around his waist and smiling up at him like she had never been happier.
"Yeah, well, we hit the road a little earlier then planned." He told her, smiling again, like he always smiled at me. He looked at her, before bowing his head a little and turning to me.
"Adrienne, this is Stef."
Looking up at them, Adrienne locked eyes with me for the first time ever. She smiled back at me, before stepping towards me.
"Hi Stef honey." She said giving me a welcoming hug. And it made me feel a little better, which was seemingly strange. "Welcome to the household."
Returning the hug with a smile at how nice she seemed to be, I looked over at Billie who looked relieved at how smooth it had worked out. "Yeah. It's nice to meet you too. Thank you for letting me stay here for Christmas."
"Oh no problem," she insisted, looking into my eyes with those deep rich brown one's of hers. "Billie told me about you and Tre, so I thought 'hey, why not bring a new face into the family?' Besides, It'll be nice to have another female around the house for a bit."
"You only had to say that you couldn't cope with all of us guys around the house." Billie joked.
"Oh I can," she replied, turning to him and standing between us two. "But there's just some things that a woman can only talk about to her own species."
Billie raised an eyebrow at his wife. "I could listen to 'woman's stuff' if you wanted me to. I can be very feminine you know."
"Hmmm. We all know that one now." Adrienne said, making us both laugh as he screwed his nose up at her.
She walked towards the bottom of the staircase to call up to their sons.
"Joey! Jakob! Come down here please! There's someone we want you to meet."
"Coming mom!" One of them called out, before I heard running footsteps from the floor above me.
Hurdling down the stairs, Jakob's face spread out into a wide smile at the sight of Billie.
"Daddy!" He cried, running straight to him and throwing himself around the guitarist's waist.
"Hey kiddo." Billie replied, leaning down to scoop his son up in his arms and kissing his on the cheek lovingly.
Watching them just made me gain this warm mushy feeling inside me. It showed me just how much Billie Joe loved his family. Reminding me of what he had told me when I had asked him to tell me everything he was feeling inside.
I love my family Stef. They're my pride and joy. I love my sons to bits. I love them so dam much, and I miss them. I try to be a good father to them, but it's so hard being apart from them for so long. I don't want them to think of me as a failure. When you have kids, you'll understand.
"You ok?" Billie asked his son, who nodded back at him as he kept his arms looped around his neck tightly.
Then Billie looked at me quickly, seeing me watch him as he bonded with his son. "Jakob, there's someone I want you to meet."
"Who?" The younger son asked curiously as he looked into his father's eyes.
"Well, remember on the phone I told you Tre had a new girlfriend? Well, she's staying with us for Christmas and her names Stef."
He turned his son to face me, nudging his head in my direction to point me out.
"Well, that's Stef."
Jakob stared at me, and it made me feel like a nervous wreck.
Billie this is wrong. He's too innocent to understand.
Instead of just standing there staring at the youngest Armstrong member, I knelt down to his level, approaching him a little more to face him.
"Hey Jakob, I'm Stef. It's nice to meet you." I spoke to him, smiling and offering my hand for him to shake.
He looked at me, biting his lip and swinging his arms behind him back and forth a little. He placed his hand inside of mine as I shook it softly, my own hand wrapping around his own.
I'm talking to Billie Joe's son. I'm talking to Billie Joe's SON.
"You staying with us for Christmas?" He asked innocently.
"Yeah." I replied, smiling back at him.
He was Billie Joe's double.
"Can you be my new friend?"
Overwhelmed slightly at the boys words, I just wanted to scoop him up in my arms and hug him so dam tight.
"Sure I can Jakob. I'd love to be your new friend."
His eyes widened in excitement as his attention grew short spanned as the question he had just asked went straight from his head.
"We've got the biggest turkey this year!" He exclaimed suddenly, almost jumping up and down in the excitement. "It's so big, mum said there's enough to feed the whole street!"
Before I could say anything else, Jakob had grabbed my hand and was leading me off somewhere.
"Look, I'll show you! It's so big! Bigger than last year's. Dad's going to have to get the chain saw out."
Adrienne smiled as she watched her son drag me off into the kitchen, both parents pleased at how well he had accepted me into their 'family.'
She wrapped one arm around his waist, pulling him in closer to her as she listened to Jakob continuously talking about their turkey before opening up the fridge to show me.
"I'm glad they're getting on." Billie Joe spoke, so relieved inside that so far everything was going fine.
"Yes." Adrienne replied, smiling at him. "Something tells me that those two are going to get on really well."
We hadn't really talked about what had happened, it was a subject not to be touched.
Billie Joe never explained to Mike or Tre why he had a face that was bruised and swollen, and every time they asked he just said it was nothing.
But they knew something had happened, every time he told them to let it blow over they turned to me for an answer, but I didn't want to talk about it either.
The guilt of having watched my own step dad beat the living daylights out of Billie Joe was easier to handle if it wasn't mentioned or talk about.
And when Billie Joe went home for the first time since had had taken me back to England, Adrienne had demanded to know what had happened to him.
He told her it was nothing, just a bruising he had had with someone in a bar one night whilst drunk. The other person having been equally as drunk as him.
She partly didn't believe him, and constantly pestered him about it - but only because she cared so much for him.
She wanted to know why her husband was purple to the bone with bruises, why he had disappeared so quickly without saying goodbye from his last visit after they had slept together - and why he always put off her visits to see him in the hotels, and always insisted HE would visit HER.
It was a situation that he was stuck in, and had grown too big out of proportion to be put straight.
Billie had to have three times the amount of make up applied to him whilst touring to hide his bruises and cuts, and he felt so fake. Having to cover himself up, it just reminded him of how he had to cover up everything these days in order to keep the peace.
He hated the hiding and the sneaking around, he just wanted it to be all out and in the open.
He hated having these feelings locked up inside of him, burning down onto him and eroding away at the very core of his being.
Sometimes he thought about what would happen if he told Adrienne about me, or sometimes, he drifted off so far into his thoughts that he even thought about what it would be like if he cut me off, left me behind and made me a thing of the past.
But he couldn't do that. He then even hated himself for even thinking of that, and having stupid he would be if he did.
But wasn't he being stupid now?
He wished for things to be differently - he didn't know what exactly, but he was tired. He wanted a solution out with all the mess he had made, but he didn't know how.
And he wouldn't even talk to anyone about it. He felt that talking about would be like him admitting that he was sick with the way he was living, and that he wanted something different.
Admitting that maybe his relationship with me was ruining things.
And he didn't want to admit it.
Because by admitting it, it would confirm that his feeling were true and that was the last thing he wanted.
By not mentioning it, it made him feel that it was just a phrase, and that it would blow over soon.
But still the feelings tore at him until he started having regular anxiety attacks again. They drove him to insanity and he didn't know what to do anymore.
On stage he was a different person, doing what he did and enjoying every minute of it. He was able to forget everything for those 2 hours a day and shine. But as soon as he came off of stage, there he was again, back to reality and all those self inflicted feelings rained down onto him again and his mind became a place he started to despise.
It became so bad that it started to worry me, he wouldn't even talk to me sometimes and it tore at me, just like everything was tearing at him. I hoped it would go away, ease down and be, like he was hoping too, just a phrase.
The tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression.
Hang my head I wanna drown my sorrows
No tomorrow, no tomorrow.
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dieing are the best I've ever had.
And I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take.
When people run in circles
It's a very, very, mad world.
* * * * * * * *
Things grew better between us as time passed though, and Billie Joe was so relieved that he didn't have half as much to gnaw at him as he had before. It was like we had just met, that same refreshed and excited feeling.
I thought the worse had come and passed, but I was wrong.
Billie Joe had untold plans in his mind.
Thanksgiving.
It was December 2005, almost a year since we had first met. The band had wrapped up the American Idiot tour, and were planning on returning to the recording studios in the new year to start work on their next album.
But it was Christmas. Where I was meant to go?
Billie Joe had been thinking about it for a while. It was stupid, he dam well knew that, but he couldn't have me stay on my own for Christmas and New Year. Yes, it would be awkward and incredibly risky, but he wanted to be with me. He didn't want to be apart from me. And there was only one way in which he was going to make everyone happy.
"Stef, there's something I need to talk to you about." He started, taking my hand and sitting me down next to him.
Following him, I perched beside him, one leg curled under me as I did.
He sighed deeply, running hid finger over his forehead.
"I need to talk to you about Thanksgiving."
A lump rose in my throat, swallowing it back down harshly.
"I guess I'll have to stay here on my own." I sighed, slightly saddened by the thought.
"When?" He asked a little unsure of what I was talking about.
"For Christmas. I'll just have to, learn to live with it. But you'll be able to call me right?"
"Stef, what are you getting at?"
"You're going back home aren't you? I know you are and what can I do? Stay here until we can sort something out?"
"Stef, listen to me." He said, taking my hand again in his and looking at me. "You're not going to be alone."
I raised an eyebrow at him, taken off guard and not having a clue in my head to what else I could do.
"But, then how am--"
"You're coming with me."
I just stared silently at him, what he had just said slowly sinking into my mind.
"I'm, ... what?" I whispered, not understanding, my eyes widening.
"You're coming home with me to stay for Christmas."
"I-I don't understand... when you mean home, where do you mean? Like I'm going to Oakland and staying in a local hotel or-"
"No." He cut me off, suddenly becoming serious. "Home. With me. My home."
I just stared at him, blinking once, and then twice. I couldn't quite acknowledge what he had just said.
"You are kidding me, right?"
"No."
I stared at him again, my eyes widening and my heart pumping madly inside of me.
"So let me get this straight," I stared, laughing in the sense of mocking. "You want me, to go to your house for Christmas, where your wife and kids will be?"
He shrugged a little. "Yeah."
I stood up, laughing a little cruelly at him for being stupid. "Oh, great idea Billie."
I sarcastically waved my finger at him. "You know, I never thought of that idea. But you just keep coming up with these great plans. And just what am I gonna say to them? Hi, nice to meet. I'm Stef, I've been fucking Billie for the last half of the year?!"
He frowned. "No."
"Then what the hell are you going to say to them?!" I almost yelled.
"I have it all sorted out."
"Well I'm glad you have Billie Joe, because I haven't!"
"Just give me a fucking chance to speak okay?!" He shouted back, becoming defensive.
I folded my arms across my chest, staring at him whilst frowning as he looked at me with desperate eyes.
But I didn't understand what was going inside that head of his. He was slightly disturbed by the whole situation himself, but he was doing his best to make things work.
"I have a plan."
"Oh genius. And what's that? You gonna tell Adrienne about us and then ask to bring me round for Christmas to stay? Because that's just bloody awesome."
"Shut up." He sniped, glaring a little at me.
His sudden glare caught me, making me put down my guard a little.
She doesn't know. She doesn't know what it's like from this side. It's ok for her, she doesn't have to hide from anyone. I fucking do. God dammit to hell, if only she understood what I've been through. How I've tried to make things work, how I've put everything I have on the line. She doesn't know what it's like. She would never understand. I don't even fucking understand.
Eyeing him carefully, he swallowed back, staring at me still with those eyes of his. The eyes that told a hidden story.
"Every year, we go round either one our houses. Last year we were at Mike's, and this year we're staying out at mine. The guys are coming over for a couple of days so it wouldn't be just you."
"But what are you going to tell them about me? I can't just walk in. What are you going to say to them?"
He clasped his hands together tightly, before looking up at me before whispering;
"I'm going to tell them you're with Tre."
My eyes widened even further suddenly, not believing what I had just heard.
Tre. No not Tre. Why? Why Tre?
Knowing something that Billie didn't about how Tre felt, I wanted to suddenly blurt it all out to him. Maybe that way he would understand why I couldn't be played up with Tre - because he liked me a lot more than he thought. It just wasn't fair.
"No." I told him, shaking my head distraught. "I can't let you do this."
"Do what?"
"Pair me up with Tre. It's not fair. This is our problem, not his. We can't do that to him. Billie, how can you be so heartless?"
"Heartless? What do you mean, heartless? Tre said he'd help me, and that's what he's doing. And trust me, I need all the help I can fucking get."
"Help? What the dam for?" I yelled at him as he rolled off the bed and walked to the cabinet draw where he pulled out a box of cigarettes.
"You don't even fucking know." He grumbled, putting one to his lips before lighting it up, cupping his hands around the end as he did so.
"What's that supposed to mean?" I paused a little, waiting for an answer that he didn't reply to.
How could you be so heartless Billie? Why are you bringing Tre into this? It's not fair on him to play him like this with me. It's rubbing the shit into his face.
Why's it such a big deal? I don't understand. It's not like Tre likes Stef. They're just friends.
"Did you think about Tre? Did you think about how he felt? Does he really wanna be playing keep-the-couple-happy this Christmas?"
"Yes I thought about fucking Tre!" He sniped again, taking a drag from his cigarette and inhaling air straight after. "I've laid there at night thinking about it for the past week. You don't know Stef - you don't know what's going on up here!"
He pointed to his head, screwing his face up as all the emotion just blew a riot inside of him. "I can't do anything now. I thought I had things in control, but I don't! I fucking don't and it's all wrong! I try so hard and I can never do anything right. It may not seem like it Stef, but I'm screaming inside, wanting answers that nobody will give me. And I can't stop thinking about how much I've screwed everything up, and how one day, someone's gonna get hurt - and it'll be down to me! Does that ever occur to your fucking mind?"
"Billie, I - "
"Because I'm so torn Stef. You don't even know how much."
He let out a sob, covering his face with one of his hands whilst the other still held his cigarette. Feeling overwhelmed with guilt, I slid off of the bed and stood in front of him, cupping his face in my hands and pressing my forehead against his.
"Then, why don't you tell me what's going on inside your head? Then maybe, I'll understand." I whispered to him, the mood suddenly changed amongst us both. Indicting to his head by nodding my own in that direction, I looked into his eyes. "What's going on up there?"
"Everything."
* * * * * * * *
Sitting in the back of Billie's Ford Fairlane, Tre sat next to me - and it had never been so awkward. The drummer stared out of his window, thinking to himself and watching the world go by.
I just wish Billie hadn't brought him into this. It just wasn't fair.
Stopping at a gas station so Mike could run in and take some cash out of the machine, it just left us three on our own in the vehicle.
Billie turned around, twisting his body around the car seat and taking my hand to give it a squeeze.
"I'm doing this for us, okay?"
I nodded slowly, before glancing over at Tre who hadn't really flinched at the movement from us.
"It'll be fine." He carried on. "I'm not going say that I'm not nervous, because I am, but... we'll do this together okay? And it's not because I want to blow the shit further, I... I just need you to be here. I feel as if this needs to happen."
I wasn't going to question him. Nodding again I swallowed hard. I was going to meet Adrienne for the first time, and I had been sleeping with her husband for the last couple of months. What was I meant to do or think?
"I love you." He suddenly blurted out, catching me from my thoughts as I stared at him a while.
"Me-me too."
He smiled sweetly at me, before letting go of my hand to turn around as Mike opened the door and hoped back into the other side of the vehicle. It seemed like he was totally calm with it, as if nothing serious was happening and that I was supposed to be all happy go lucky about the whole thing. But I couldn't be. I looked over at Tre, who still sat silently next to me, his chin rested in his hand and staring out the window.
Shit Billie. You're torturing him.
"You ready to go?" Billie Joe asked Mike, watching as he slipped back on his seat belt after doing the same himself.
"Are you sure you wanna do this?"
Mike's blue eyes meet Billie's green as he looked up, looking stares for a moment as he raised an eyebrow at the guitarist.
Billie placed one hand firmly on the steering wheel before turning the keys in the ignition, sighing to himself. "Yeah. I'm sure."
* * * * * * * *
Sighing nervously again, Billie zipped off his seatbelt, stepping out of his vehicle and rubbing the palm of his hand against his forehead. He opened the door to let me out, Mike stepping out of the front too. I looked at him hesitantly, slowly slipping out of the back.
I stepped out, looking the front of his house over, knowing Adrienne and his boys were inside.
Shoving my hands into the fronts of my pockets I stared at the ground, shuffling my feet a little from side to side. Billie came up behind me, his keys dangling on the end of his index finger.
"Come on," he spoke quietly to me. "Let's take you in. Tre and Mike 'll bring the stuff in for us."
Following behind him timidly as he walked up the path to the front of his house, my heart beat madly inside of me.
This was it. The moment I had been dreading for so long. Except this time it wasn't going to be the truth.
"And remember, you're 21, from Philadelphia, and you met Tre-"
"In a bar one night after you guys had done a gig." I finished for him before looking up. "Billie I know. I'm not going to fuck it up ok?"
He nodded, looking at me one final time before opening up his front door with his key, the sounds of Joey and Jakob playing upstairs suddenly appearing as he did. He stepped inside, me following behind him close, my head kept low. I couldn't believe I was actually doing this still.
And then I heard her voice.
"Boys, don't make too much mess up there ok?"
Taking in a sharp inhale of breath, it felt as if I were going to black out in their house right there and then.
Hearing the door open, Adrienne turned to face us, a smile spreading across her face suddenly at the sight Billie Joe.
"Honey!" She squealed with delight as she almost ran towards him, flinging her arms around him and kissing his on the lips.
And there I was, standing there, watching as he lapped her up and kissed her gratefully back, grinning happily.
And I felt so awkward, so hurt by just watching them. It tugged at my heart, and dragged me down into a deeper pit of emotions.
"You're early." She commented, wrapping her arms around his waist and smiling up at him like she had never been happier.
"Yeah, well, we hit the road a little earlier then planned." He told her, smiling again, like he always smiled at me. He looked at her, before bowing his head a little and turning to me.
"Adrienne, this is Stef."
Looking up at them, Adrienne locked eyes with me for the first time ever. She smiled back at me, before stepping towards me.
"Hi Stef honey." She said giving me a welcoming hug. And it made me feel a little better, which was seemingly strange. "Welcome to the household."
Returning the hug with a smile at how nice she seemed to be, I looked over at Billie who looked relieved at how smooth it had worked out. "Yeah. It's nice to meet you too. Thank you for letting me stay here for Christmas."
"Oh no problem," she insisted, looking into my eyes with those deep rich brown one's of hers. "Billie told me about you and Tre, so I thought 'hey, why not bring a new face into the family?' Besides, It'll be nice to have another female around the house for a bit."
"You only had to say that you couldn't cope with all of us guys around the house." Billie joked.
"Oh I can," she replied, turning to him and standing between us two. "But there's just some things that a woman can only talk about to her own species."
Billie raised an eyebrow at his wife. "I could listen to 'woman's stuff' if you wanted me to. I can be very feminine you know."
"Hmmm. We all know that one now." Adrienne said, making us both laugh as he screwed his nose up at her.
She walked towards the bottom of the staircase to call up to their sons.
"Joey! Jakob! Come down here please! There's someone we want you to meet."
"Coming mom!" One of them called out, before I heard running footsteps from the floor above me.
Hurdling down the stairs, Jakob's face spread out into a wide smile at the sight of Billie.
"Daddy!" He cried, running straight to him and throwing himself around the guitarist's waist.
"Hey kiddo." Billie replied, leaning down to scoop his son up in his arms and kissing his on the cheek lovingly.
Watching them just made me gain this warm mushy feeling inside me. It showed me just how much Billie Joe loved his family. Reminding me of what he had told me when I had asked him to tell me everything he was feeling inside.
I love my family Stef. They're my pride and joy. I love my sons to bits. I love them so dam much, and I miss them. I try to be a good father to them, but it's so hard being apart from them for so long. I don't want them to think of me as a failure. When you have kids, you'll understand.
"You ok?" Billie asked his son, who nodded back at him as he kept his arms looped around his neck tightly.
Then Billie looked at me quickly, seeing me watch him as he bonded with his son. "Jakob, there's someone I want you to meet."
"Who?" The younger son asked curiously as he looked into his father's eyes.
"Well, remember on the phone I told you Tre had a new girlfriend? Well, she's staying with us for Christmas and her names Stef."
He turned his son to face me, nudging his head in my direction to point me out.
"Well, that's Stef."
Jakob stared at me, and it made me feel like a nervous wreck.
Billie this is wrong. He's too innocent to understand.
Instead of just standing there staring at the youngest Armstrong member, I knelt down to his level, approaching him a little more to face him.
"Hey Jakob, I'm Stef. It's nice to meet you." I spoke to him, smiling and offering my hand for him to shake.
He looked at me, biting his lip and swinging his arms behind him back and forth a little. He placed his hand inside of mine as I shook it softly, my own hand wrapping around his own.
I'm talking to Billie Joe's son. I'm talking to Billie Joe's SON.
"You staying with us for Christmas?" He asked innocently.
"Yeah." I replied, smiling back at him.
He was Billie Joe's double.
"Can you be my new friend?"
Overwhelmed slightly at the boys words, I just wanted to scoop him up in my arms and hug him so dam tight.
"Sure I can Jakob. I'd love to be your new friend."
His eyes widened in excitement as his attention grew short spanned as the question he had just asked went straight from his head.
"We've got the biggest turkey this year!" He exclaimed suddenly, almost jumping up and down in the excitement. "It's so big, mum said there's enough to feed the whole street!"
Before I could say anything else, Jakob had grabbed my hand and was leading me off somewhere.
"Look, I'll show you! It's so big! Bigger than last year's. Dad's going to have to get the chain saw out."
Adrienne smiled as she watched her son drag me off into the kitchen, both parents pleased at how well he had accepted me into their 'family.'
She wrapped one arm around his waist, pulling him in closer to her as she listened to Jakob continuously talking about their turkey before opening up the fridge to show me.
"I'm glad they're getting on." Billie Joe spoke, so relieved inside that so far everything was going fine.
"Yes." Adrienne replied, smiling at him. "Something tells me that those two are going to get on really well."
