A Note Don't Come Easy, chapter 50
I couldn't stop blaming myself for everything. It was my nature to do so. I thought too much.
Running around the Armstrong house madly, desperately trying to find Mike whilst still being able to hear their shouts of insults to each other, as well as a few punches and kicks here and there.
"Shit, shit, shit. Shit, fucking, shit!" I cursed under my breath as I panicked; still trying to find the bassist. "Where the fuck are you?"
"Don't you dare," Slam. "... Fucking... " Slam. "... Show me... " smack "... Up like that again... " Whack. "... Understand?" Billie Joe yelled at the top of his voice, holding Tre against the wall by his hair and throwing his fist into him.
"Show... Awww... You up?" Tre groaned, his eyes turning blurred from the amount of pressure that he was receiving from Billie's hand. "You're the one who's made me look and feel like a dick... "
"Don't blame this on me!" Billie Joe literally screamed, spitting at one point without realizing from shouting so much. "Don't you dare fucking blame this on me. I didn't force you to do this, did I?"
When Tre didn't answer, Billie Joe threw his head against the wall again. "Did I?!"
But instead of shouting back, Tre just simply gained an extra lease of strength, throwing his arms around Billie's legs in the position he was in and hurtling him to the ground, sending the guitarist to the floor.
Calling up the staircase without having a reply, I turned on my heels and stepped out into the kitchen, to see Mike pacing the garden slowly; one hand pressing a phone close to his ear whilst the other sat against the side of his and under his other arm, folded style.
Smiling as he spoke on the phone, the events that were taking fold in Billie's living room went unnoticed to him.
Well, for the moment being anyway.
"Mike!" I cried, running out through the door from the kitchen to the garden and up to him.
He whipped his head around to face me with a questioning look; phone still pressed to ear.
"Mike, you gotta come." I sobbed. "Please, they're... They're gonna kill each other."
I didn't have to say anymore for it to sink in.
His eyes widening, he licked his bottom lip.
"I'll call you back later babe. Love you." And then he hung up.
Pocketing his cell and placing his hand on my shoulder, he looked into my eyes.
"Where are they?"
His mood had suddenly turned serious, and I could tell by the look in his eyes.
I guess we both knew that this was going to happen sooner rather than later. It had only been a matter of when Adrienne and the boys had left the house for a while.
"In the living room, Billie started... He just grabbed Tre... And I... I... "
But Mike hadn't stayed to listen. As soon as he had heard where they were, he was off down the patio and already walking into the house at a fast pace.
My eyes following him, I took the quick decision to follow close behind.
"I didn't have a fucking choice!" Tre screamed at Billie, who was now on the floor and looking up at the younger man pointing his finger down at him. "You gave me no choice so I had to pretend I was with Stef."
"Don't give me shit. You could of said no."
"No, I couldn't of Billie Joe. Because if I had, you would have been on my case like the devil were after me until I agreed to your stupid little plan. Because the truth is - that's all you ever care about! Your fucking self!"
Billie Joe's green eyes narrowed.
"Don't try and tell me that I only care about myself. I care about other people too!"
"Oh, you do?" Tre sneered down at him, blood running from his nose still. "If you ever thought once about Adrienne then you'd tell her."
"It's not that fucking easy!" Billie Joe screamed at the top of his lungs, clenching his teeth tightly together. "You've never had to do it!"
"No, but I've had the guts to file through divorce twice and still live with it! And if you can't do it, then... Then you're a fucking coward Billie Joe Armstrong and a big one at that too."
"Don't tell me how to handle - "
But Tre didn't stop to listen to him.
"You chose to cheat on your wife with someone else, so that's what you got. Don't think it was all going to be hunky-dory."
"You have no fucking idea what I've been through!" Billie Joe yelled, tightening his fists beside him and glaring up at Tre.
"Well maybe you'd want to tell me, because at the moment you're pathetic. Do you know what Stef's been through?"
"Yes, I fucking do - "
"What? A try at cutting herself and a little beating from her step dad every so often? She's been through a lot more than that Billie Joe, a whole fucking lot more." Tre put his hand to his forehead before he suddenly snapped again. "Open your eyes for fuck's sake and take responsibility!"
"I am. That's why I want to tell Adrienne and end all of this!" Billie yelled back, holding back tears.
"Well then end it dickwad." He paused before narrowing his eyes at the green eyed punk rocker. "Or I will."
Snapping his head up to stare straight at Tre, Billie Joe scowled before jumping up and throwing another punch at him.
Stepping back to miss him, Tre whacked him in the back; sending him into the couch. Jumping on top of him, it was Tre's turn to deliver the blows as Billie screamed and squirmed underneath him.
Then without warning, Tre felt another hand place upon his shoulder bone and force him off of Billie Joe, throwing him to the floor.
"What the fucking hell do you two think you're playing at?" Mike roared, standing between them both and looking at them each individually; wanting answers.
"Ask the fucking dipshit over there." Tre grunted, glaring at Billie for a few seconds before putting his hand to his face and looking back at it to see the blood that had smeared on there.
Billie Joe scowled, now a lower face full of blood too that was dripping from his nose and mouth.
"Go eat shit." He growled back, still on his back and holding onto the couch as if Tre were still upon him.
"Already have done." Was the cold reply.
Mike turned his stare to Billie Joe. "You think this going to help things?"
The guitarist glared up at his best friend. "Made me feel better inside."
"Me too." Tre added, throwing a sarcastic smile across the room at him.
"What's that supposed to mean, huh?" Billie Joe shouted again, gesturing with his arms for Tre to come and sock it to him again. "Trying to put all the blame on me?"
"No, the blame's already on you Billie Joe. That's your fucking problem."
"I'm not the one who said all those things to Stef on Christmas Day in front of us all, knowing that I was there to see it all and, knowing that I couldn't have her and you could!"
"I never had her in the first place! Why do you always make out there's something going on between us?!" Tre cried out, frustrated and slamming his fist into the floor in anger.
"Don't tell me that once you never thought about taking advantage of the position you were in." Billie hissed. "I fucking trusted you to do this and all you did was throw it back in my face and laugh at me. And I had to fucking live with that!"
He started to sob, sitting up and tucking his knees under his chin and wrapping his arms around them.
"I just wanted things to go ok. I don't know what to do anymore, I thought this would help, make me feel better... At least we would all be together. I was trying to think of everyone else and what would be best."
"Well, you obviously thought wrong." Tre said bitterly.
Mike turned his head to look at him. "Tre, don't... "
It wasn't like he was sticking up for Billie Joe, but Mike knew that if either of them said anything more of the offensive kind they would kick off again.
Billie Joe looked up and then down to Tre.
"If you thought about any of us then we wouldn't be here - because Adrienne would have known by now, you'd be with Stef and none of this would have happened!" Tre yelled once again. "Now do you see how it's all your fault?!"
Screaming out loud, Billie Joe suddenly launched himself from off of the couch and onto Tre again - his fist saying more than he could himself.
Throwing his arms over his face to shield himself, Tre tried to protect himself as well as fight back at the same time as Mike towered over them, trying to pull Billie off of him.
"Stop acting like arseholes!" He roared, tugging at Billie desperately; but wasn't getting far when they both continued to claw at each other. "Billie Joe, let fucking go of him... "
"I love Stef and Adrienne more than anything in the world!" Billie cried when Mike finally broke Tre free of him and dragged him a few meters away and held him back.
"I love Stef so god dam much, and I would love it more than anything to be with her without having to hide in secret... But I can't break Adrienne or my boys heart." He sobbed.
"But you can break Stef's continuously until it snaps and falls into a thousand pieces so much that it's un-repairable?" Tre asked him, narrowing his eyes.
"I try Tre! I fucking try!"
"Well, maybe you should try a little harder." I told him.
All 3 of theirs eyes met in my direction. I had been standing in the doorway and watching since Mike had stepped in.
And I had heard everything.
"You should try a little harder Billie Joe and then maybe everything would be alright and we wouldn't be in this mess!" I sobbed, tears falling.
"Stef... I... " Billie grumbled, startled at the fact that I had been standing there and he hadn't realized. "I never... Meant... "
"No. You never do Billie Joe. That's what your problem is."
And then I turned and ran upstairs, Billie Joe calling out my name once or twice as I did. And then with slamming the bedroom door shut behind me, I flung myself on the bed and curled up in a ball and cried.
* * * * * * * *
Tre disappeared out of the house for the rest of the day and didn't return. Billie Joe managed to clean his face up before Adrienne and the kids arrived back home and I stayed in my room until Adrienne called me for dinner that evening.
But with Tre gone, that just left me, Mike, and the Armstrong family. I practically ate in silence. I really didn't want to be there but I had to.
Joey and Jakob now excused from the table and allowed to go off and play, Adrienne set her knife and fork down and looked at us all.
"So what happened to Tre then?" She asked as I kept my head down and Billie flicked some of his dinner lamely across his plate with his fork.
"Dunno." He shrugged, Mike looking at him and with his elbows resting on the table and his hands linked together. "He just went."
"Did he say anything?"
"Nope." Billie shook his head. "Just went, like that."
"Something must have upset him." She sighed knitting her brow.
Billie Joe just mumbled as a reply.
"Maybe you could talk to him when he comes back." She suggested. "See what's up with him, he'd tell you."
"Er... Yeah, sure."
"See that's why I love you." She started, catching Mike's attention even more. "You always try and help and want the best for everyone else."
Then I put my fork down with a clatter and let out a sob as I ran off. Licking his lip, Mike rose from his seat and followed me.
Adrienne threw a questioning look at her husband. "She have an argument with Tre?"
Billie raised an eyebrow before shrugging his shoulders again and returning to his dinner. "Beats me."
Mike found me on the back doorstep, hunched over and crying. Carefully he crouched down beside me and placed a sympathetic hand on my shoulder.
"You ok in there?" He asked softly, whispering.
"I just want him to hold me like I used to." I sobbed, racketing my rib cage as Mike pulled me in and hugged me tightly, rocking me back and forth.
"Shhhh. It's ok." He spoke. "It'll all be over soon."
"I want it to be over now Mike. I can't take anymore."
Sighing as he listened, Mike looked up into the night sky before turning back to me.
"What do youwant then?"
Thinking for a moment, I then looked up at him. "I wanna go."
"You wanna go?"
I nodded, wiping away a few tears. "Yeah. I wanna go. Tomorrow."
* * * * * * * *
Tre returned that night, but didn't speak a word. Explained to Adrienne that he needed to have some time along when she answered the door and then slowly plodded up to our room. And when he saw the packed suitcase in the corner of the room he knew that I was leaving. And he wasn't going to stay when I went. But he wasn't going to stick with me either.
As I slept in the bed he quietly packed his things in his bag, left a note, and sneaked out when everyone was asleep.
To wake up and know that Tre had gone was a weird feeling. He wasn't there anymore and it felt like the end had happened.
The ending of what though I do not know.
Adrienne seemed quite upset when Mike told her I was leaving today, and so seemed Joey. But the person who was the most distraught about it was Jakob. As Mike told him his bottom lip trembled and small tears started to run down his face as he ran and clung hold of me tightly, telling me not to go and that I couldn't.
And it broke my heart to leave him like this. But I knew as well that I couldn't stay. Not after what had happened.
Crouching down to his level I hugged him tight.
"I've got to go Jakob." I told him, almost crying with him. "I've got to go and look after Tre."
"But I'm gonna... Miss you." He sobbed, sniffing.
"Me too. Me too Jakob. But I'll promise to come and see you again yeah?"
He pulled away and looked into my eyes. "Will you call me?"
Letting out a silent cry I nodded. "Of course I will."
"Stef?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you."
"I love you too Jakob Armstrong."
Adrienne held tight of me as I said goodbye, saddened.
"This isn't the end though," she told me. "You're gonna keep in contact with me and visit again yeah?"
I nodded as she looked at me.
"Good." She sighed. "You're a lovely person Stef, I don't want to loose contact with you. It's a shame that you have to go so soon but Tre needs you. And I know you'll take care of each other well."
"Thank you Adrienne, for everything. I can't thank you enough. I've had the best Christmas ever and... And... " I sobbed.
"It's ok hunni. Anytime."
She hugged me tight again, before scribbling down her mobile number and giving it to me.
"I'm just gonna go say bye to Billie Joe." I told Mike, who smiled and watched me creep up the stairs.
Sighing deeply as I approached outside of his room I slowly pushed the door open and peeked in.
He sat there on the bed, back turned to me and staring out of the window - face rested on clenched fists.
"Erm, I've come to say goodbye... " I said hesitating.
He didn't move.
"I'll um... Be around... Sorry it's turned out like this."
"Well I take it we've come to the conclusion that this has been all my fault anyway." He simply said, not moving still.
I blinked.
"I never asked for it to be like this."
"Neither did I." He sighed. "But only I can put things right."
"If you want me, you'll come find me." I told him, holding the door handle still. "Until I see you again, if I see you again," I sighed sadly. "All I have to say is one thing. And that's follow your heart. Listen to it. Let it lead you the right way, even if it seems wrong. Because your heart knows what's right."
He cocked his head to one side as he listened. I tried to hold back my tears as I carried on.
"I've loved you more than anything this past year and I'll never stop loving you Billie Joe. You're my first love and I don't think I can ever love any one again like I did you. But I just want to say thank you for everything that you've done for me... And that... I'll always be thinking of you. You'll always be a part of me and I'm sad that you belong to another - but I know you're happy that way. And all... All I want... Is for you to be... Happy. I love you Billie Joe, and I hoped you loved me once too. But life had you cut out to be with someone else. It's been fun, and I've had... The best time of my life... But... You belong here. And... I don't deserve you. And whatever decision you make, I'll back you all the way. Because I can never let go of you, and I'll forever be holding onto what we had."
And then before I could start to cry I closed the door and walked down the stairs and left him.
Climbing into the taxi, Adrienne and the boys stood in the doorway to their house, Billie Joe refusing to move from the room.
I hugged them each goodbye, Jakob clinging onto me forever and then running to Adrienne and holding her leg when I had to go.
Following me down the path and helping me with my bags, Mike stopped and hugged me.
"You sure you're going to be ok?" He asked when I was ready to go.
I nodded.
I knew I wasn't ok, but I had to go. If I stayed any longer, than shit was sure to break loose again and I didn't want to stick around when Addi finally realized and saw me and Billie Joe as the item and not Tre and I.
"If you need anything, then just call me ok?" He told me.
I nodded again.
It used to be Tre who was my agony uncle, but now it was Mike. And I was forever grateful to him for it.
"Well," he sighed smiling a small smile. "I guess you don't want to be standing here forever."
Smiling sadly at him I slowly shook my head.
"Come here...." He spoke softly, opening up his arms and hugging me tight again.
Putting his hand on the small of my back I held onto him so tight, it felt like the end.
And I hated it.
"I'm gonna miss you Stef." He told me. "But I'll make sure to come find you in a few weeks when we get out. I'm not going to let you escape from Billie Joe's life that quickly. He wanted you - he gets you. I won't let him just throw you away."
"Thanks Mike." I sobbed; looking over his shoulder and up to the window of the room Billie Joe was in.
Follow your heart Billie Joe. Follow your heart and never look back.
And then as the taxi rolled away from the house with me in it, I waved to Adrienne and the boys as Mike stood at the end of the boulevard with his hands in his pockets, sadly watching.
And then I turned away, sat back, and cried again.
Billie Joe and I were over.
* * * * * * * *
I hated being on my own. I had been with at least one of them nearly every day for the past almost year. I wanted Billie Joe.
But I knew I couldn't have him. And I knew I was stupid for letting myself get into this state.
But it seemed so right, and it felt so wrong not to be with him right now. I felt empty and cold inside, and so so lost.
It was New Year's Eve. I had been on my own for 3 days now. And I had done absolutely nothing except for bask in the feelings I still had for the guitarist and how much I wished for everything to be ok again.
For most of the evening I had sat in my hotel room, watching the tube and moping about. But when it turned quarter past eleven, I decided to go down town and see the New Year in surrounded by people - I didn't know them but it made me feel as if I wasn't alone.
Trying to push the thought of Billie Joe being with Adrienne right now out of my mind, I put on my coat and headed into town.
Even though Adrienne was his wife, and he had a right to be with her - I was still upset about it. He had spent the last year practically being stuck by my side, and how many times had he seen his family? I still felt as if I had the right for him to be here with me.
But he wasn't with me anymore, and I had to get used to it.
And even if I had been abandoned by those I loved the most, I was determined to try and forget about it at least tonight - and try and have a bit of fun.
* * * * * * * *
Sitting on my own in the local bar I looked around - and saw everyone celebrating.
I was the only one sitting there alone.
And it made my heart fall heavy.
Putting my glass down onto the side, I sighed, staring down as I listened to everyone laughing and bustling about chatter with each other.
Where are you?
And I'm so sorry.
I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
The events of the last few weeks filtered through my mind and replayed over and over again until I was sure I was going mad.
Love had made me crazy. Driven me to insanity.
Someone in the crowd that was center of the bar started screaming out to start the countdown.
And I sunk into my chair further.
The last year had been just unbelievable. So much had happened - too much to even imagine.
And who would even think that it was almost a year ago that I met Billie Joe?
But right now, it was all over. I had walked away from what I loved the most, and I knew it was going to hurt more than what it was now.
And then, as I took a swig from my Tia Maria and Coke, placing back on the side, my heart seemed to suddenly burst inside of me - all my senses drying up in the process.
"Excuse me, can I get past?" A familiar voice asked someone in the crowd of cheering and screaming people, pushing past them and stepping out in front of me..
Snapping my head up and my breath caught in the hitch of the moment, I stared straight up at Billie Joe.
Running around the Armstrong house madly, desperately trying to find Mike whilst still being able to hear their shouts of insults to each other, as well as a few punches and kicks here and there.
"Shit, shit, shit. Shit, fucking, shit!" I cursed under my breath as I panicked; still trying to find the bassist. "Where the fuck are you?"
"Don't you dare," Slam. "... Fucking... " Slam. "... Show me... " smack "... Up like that again... " Whack. "... Understand?" Billie Joe yelled at the top of his voice, holding Tre against the wall by his hair and throwing his fist into him.
"Show... Awww... You up?" Tre groaned, his eyes turning blurred from the amount of pressure that he was receiving from Billie's hand. "You're the one who's made me look and feel like a dick... "
"Don't blame this on me!" Billie Joe literally screamed, spitting at one point without realizing from shouting so much. "Don't you dare fucking blame this on me. I didn't force you to do this, did I?"
When Tre didn't answer, Billie Joe threw his head against the wall again. "Did I?!"
But instead of shouting back, Tre just simply gained an extra lease of strength, throwing his arms around Billie's legs in the position he was in and hurtling him to the ground, sending the guitarist to the floor.
Calling up the staircase without having a reply, I turned on my heels and stepped out into the kitchen, to see Mike pacing the garden slowly; one hand pressing a phone close to his ear whilst the other sat against the side of his and under his other arm, folded style.
Smiling as he spoke on the phone, the events that were taking fold in Billie's living room went unnoticed to him.
Well, for the moment being anyway.
"Mike!" I cried, running out through the door from the kitchen to the garden and up to him.
He whipped his head around to face me with a questioning look; phone still pressed to ear.
"Mike, you gotta come." I sobbed. "Please, they're... They're gonna kill each other."
I didn't have to say anymore for it to sink in.
His eyes widening, he licked his bottom lip.
"I'll call you back later babe. Love you." And then he hung up.
Pocketing his cell and placing his hand on my shoulder, he looked into my eyes.
"Where are they?"
His mood had suddenly turned serious, and I could tell by the look in his eyes.
I guess we both knew that this was going to happen sooner rather than later. It had only been a matter of when Adrienne and the boys had left the house for a while.
"In the living room, Billie started... He just grabbed Tre... And I... I... "
But Mike hadn't stayed to listen. As soon as he had heard where they were, he was off down the patio and already walking into the house at a fast pace.
My eyes following him, I took the quick decision to follow close behind.
"I didn't have a fucking choice!" Tre screamed at Billie, who was now on the floor and looking up at the younger man pointing his finger down at him. "You gave me no choice so I had to pretend I was with Stef."
"Don't give me shit. You could of said no."
"No, I couldn't of Billie Joe. Because if I had, you would have been on my case like the devil were after me until I agreed to your stupid little plan. Because the truth is - that's all you ever care about! Your fucking self!"
Billie Joe's green eyes narrowed.
"Don't try and tell me that I only care about myself. I care about other people too!"
"Oh, you do?" Tre sneered down at him, blood running from his nose still. "If you ever thought once about Adrienne then you'd tell her."
"It's not that fucking easy!" Billie Joe screamed at the top of his lungs, clenching his teeth tightly together. "You've never had to do it!"
"No, but I've had the guts to file through divorce twice and still live with it! And if you can't do it, then... Then you're a fucking coward Billie Joe Armstrong and a big one at that too."
"Don't tell me how to handle - "
But Tre didn't stop to listen to him.
"You chose to cheat on your wife with someone else, so that's what you got. Don't think it was all going to be hunky-dory."
"You have no fucking idea what I've been through!" Billie Joe yelled, tightening his fists beside him and glaring up at Tre.
"Well maybe you'd want to tell me, because at the moment you're pathetic. Do you know what Stef's been through?"
"Yes, I fucking do - "
"What? A try at cutting herself and a little beating from her step dad every so often? She's been through a lot more than that Billie Joe, a whole fucking lot more." Tre put his hand to his forehead before he suddenly snapped again. "Open your eyes for fuck's sake and take responsibility!"
"I am. That's why I want to tell Adrienne and end all of this!" Billie yelled back, holding back tears.
"Well then end it dickwad." He paused before narrowing his eyes at the green eyed punk rocker. "Or I will."
Snapping his head up to stare straight at Tre, Billie Joe scowled before jumping up and throwing another punch at him.
Stepping back to miss him, Tre whacked him in the back; sending him into the couch. Jumping on top of him, it was Tre's turn to deliver the blows as Billie screamed and squirmed underneath him.
Then without warning, Tre felt another hand place upon his shoulder bone and force him off of Billie Joe, throwing him to the floor.
"What the fucking hell do you two think you're playing at?" Mike roared, standing between them both and looking at them each individually; wanting answers.
"Ask the fucking dipshit over there." Tre grunted, glaring at Billie for a few seconds before putting his hand to his face and looking back at it to see the blood that had smeared on there.
Billie Joe scowled, now a lower face full of blood too that was dripping from his nose and mouth.
"Go eat shit." He growled back, still on his back and holding onto the couch as if Tre were still upon him.
"Already have done." Was the cold reply.
Mike turned his stare to Billie Joe. "You think this going to help things?"
The guitarist glared up at his best friend. "Made me feel better inside."
"Me too." Tre added, throwing a sarcastic smile across the room at him.
"What's that supposed to mean, huh?" Billie Joe shouted again, gesturing with his arms for Tre to come and sock it to him again. "Trying to put all the blame on me?"
"No, the blame's already on you Billie Joe. That's your fucking problem."
"I'm not the one who said all those things to Stef on Christmas Day in front of us all, knowing that I was there to see it all and, knowing that I couldn't have her and you could!"
"I never had her in the first place! Why do you always make out there's something going on between us?!" Tre cried out, frustrated and slamming his fist into the floor in anger.
"Don't tell me that once you never thought about taking advantage of the position you were in." Billie hissed. "I fucking trusted you to do this and all you did was throw it back in my face and laugh at me. And I had to fucking live with that!"
He started to sob, sitting up and tucking his knees under his chin and wrapping his arms around them.
"I just wanted things to go ok. I don't know what to do anymore, I thought this would help, make me feel better... At least we would all be together. I was trying to think of everyone else and what would be best."
"Well, you obviously thought wrong." Tre said bitterly.
Mike turned his head to look at him. "Tre, don't... "
It wasn't like he was sticking up for Billie Joe, but Mike knew that if either of them said anything more of the offensive kind they would kick off again.
Billie Joe looked up and then down to Tre.
"If you thought about any of us then we wouldn't be here - because Adrienne would have known by now, you'd be with Stef and none of this would have happened!" Tre yelled once again. "Now do you see how it's all your fault?!"
Screaming out loud, Billie Joe suddenly launched himself from off of the couch and onto Tre again - his fist saying more than he could himself.
Throwing his arms over his face to shield himself, Tre tried to protect himself as well as fight back at the same time as Mike towered over them, trying to pull Billie off of him.
"Stop acting like arseholes!" He roared, tugging at Billie desperately; but wasn't getting far when they both continued to claw at each other. "Billie Joe, let fucking go of him... "
"I love Stef and Adrienne more than anything in the world!" Billie cried when Mike finally broke Tre free of him and dragged him a few meters away and held him back.
"I love Stef so god dam much, and I would love it more than anything to be with her without having to hide in secret... But I can't break Adrienne or my boys heart." He sobbed.
"But you can break Stef's continuously until it snaps and falls into a thousand pieces so much that it's un-repairable?" Tre asked him, narrowing his eyes.
"I try Tre! I fucking try!"
"Well, maybe you should try a little harder." I told him.
All 3 of theirs eyes met in my direction. I had been standing in the doorway and watching since Mike had stepped in.
And I had heard everything.
"You should try a little harder Billie Joe and then maybe everything would be alright and we wouldn't be in this mess!" I sobbed, tears falling.
"Stef... I... " Billie grumbled, startled at the fact that I had been standing there and he hadn't realized. "I never... Meant... "
"No. You never do Billie Joe. That's what your problem is."
And then I turned and ran upstairs, Billie Joe calling out my name once or twice as I did. And then with slamming the bedroom door shut behind me, I flung myself on the bed and curled up in a ball and cried.
* * * * * * * *
Tre disappeared out of the house for the rest of the day and didn't return. Billie Joe managed to clean his face up before Adrienne and the kids arrived back home and I stayed in my room until Adrienne called me for dinner that evening.
But with Tre gone, that just left me, Mike, and the Armstrong family. I practically ate in silence. I really didn't want to be there but I had to.
Joey and Jakob now excused from the table and allowed to go off and play, Adrienne set her knife and fork down and looked at us all.
"So what happened to Tre then?" She asked as I kept my head down and Billie flicked some of his dinner lamely across his plate with his fork.
"Dunno." He shrugged, Mike looking at him and with his elbows resting on the table and his hands linked together. "He just went."
"Did he say anything?"
"Nope." Billie shook his head. "Just went, like that."
"Something must have upset him." She sighed knitting her brow.
Billie Joe just mumbled as a reply.
"Maybe you could talk to him when he comes back." She suggested. "See what's up with him, he'd tell you."
"Er... Yeah, sure."
"See that's why I love you." She started, catching Mike's attention even more. "You always try and help and want the best for everyone else."
Then I put my fork down with a clatter and let out a sob as I ran off. Licking his lip, Mike rose from his seat and followed me.
Adrienne threw a questioning look at her husband. "She have an argument with Tre?"
Billie raised an eyebrow before shrugging his shoulders again and returning to his dinner. "Beats me."
Mike found me on the back doorstep, hunched over and crying. Carefully he crouched down beside me and placed a sympathetic hand on my shoulder.
"You ok in there?" He asked softly, whispering.
"I just want him to hold me like I used to." I sobbed, racketing my rib cage as Mike pulled me in and hugged me tightly, rocking me back and forth.
"Shhhh. It's ok." He spoke. "It'll all be over soon."
"I want it to be over now Mike. I can't take anymore."
Sighing as he listened, Mike looked up into the night sky before turning back to me.
"What do youwant then?"
Thinking for a moment, I then looked up at him. "I wanna go."
"You wanna go?"
I nodded, wiping away a few tears. "Yeah. I wanna go. Tomorrow."
* * * * * * * *
Tre returned that night, but didn't speak a word. Explained to Adrienne that he needed to have some time along when she answered the door and then slowly plodded up to our room. And when he saw the packed suitcase in the corner of the room he knew that I was leaving. And he wasn't going to stay when I went. But he wasn't going to stick with me either.
As I slept in the bed he quietly packed his things in his bag, left a note, and sneaked out when everyone was asleep.
To wake up and know that Tre had gone was a weird feeling. He wasn't there anymore and it felt like the end had happened.
The ending of what though I do not know.
Adrienne seemed quite upset when Mike told her I was leaving today, and so seemed Joey. But the person who was the most distraught about it was Jakob. As Mike told him his bottom lip trembled and small tears started to run down his face as he ran and clung hold of me tightly, telling me not to go and that I couldn't.
And it broke my heart to leave him like this. But I knew as well that I couldn't stay. Not after what had happened.
Crouching down to his level I hugged him tight.
"I've got to go Jakob." I told him, almost crying with him. "I've got to go and look after Tre."
"But I'm gonna... Miss you." He sobbed, sniffing.
"Me too. Me too Jakob. But I'll promise to come and see you again yeah?"
He pulled away and looked into my eyes. "Will you call me?"
Letting out a silent cry I nodded. "Of course I will."
"Stef?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you."
"I love you too Jakob Armstrong."
Adrienne held tight of me as I said goodbye, saddened.
"This isn't the end though," she told me. "You're gonna keep in contact with me and visit again yeah?"
I nodded as she looked at me.
"Good." She sighed. "You're a lovely person Stef, I don't want to loose contact with you. It's a shame that you have to go so soon but Tre needs you. And I know you'll take care of each other well."
"Thank you Adrienne, for everything. I can't thank you enough. I've had the best Christmas ever and... And... " I sobbed.
"It's ok hunni. Anytime."
She hugged me tight again, before scribbling down her mobile number and giving it to me.
"I'm just gonna go say bye to Billie Joe." I told Mike, who smiled and watched me creep up the stairs.
Sighing deeply as I approached outside of his room I slowly pushed the door open and peeked in.
He sat there on the bed, back turned to me and staring out of the window - face rested on clenched fists.
"Erm, I've come to say goodbye... " I said hesitating.
He didn't move.
"I'll um... Be around... Sorry it's turned out like this."
"Well I take it we've come to the conclusion that this has been all my fault anyway." He simply said, not moving still.
I blinked.
"I never asked for it to be like this."
"Neither did I." He sighed. "But only I can put things right."
"If you want me, you'll come find me." I told him, holding the door handle still. "Until I see you again, if I see you again," I sighed sadly. "All I have to say is one thing. And that's follow your heart. Listen to it. Let it lead you the right way, even if it seems wrong. Because your heart knows what's right."
He cocked his head to one side as he listened. I tried to hold back my tears as I carried on.
"I've loved you more than anything this past year and I'll never stop loving you Billie Joe. You're my first love and I don't think I can ever love any one again like I did you. But I just want to say thank you for everything that you've done for me... And that... I'll always be thinking of you. You'll always be a part of me and I'm sad that you belong to another - but I know you're happy that way. And all... All I want... Is for you to be... Happy. I love you Billie Joe, and I hoped you loved me once too. But life had you cut out to be with someone else. It's been fun, and I've had... The best time of my life... But... You belong here. And... I don't deserve you. And whatever decision you make, I'll back you all the way. Because I can never let go of you, and I'll forever be holding onto what we had."
And then before I could start to cry I closed the door and walked down the stairs and left him.
Climbing into the taxi, Adrienne and the boys stood in the doorway to their house, Billie Joe refusing to move from the room.
I hugged them each goodbye, Jakob clinging onto me forever and then running to Adrienne and holding her leg when I had to go.
Following me down the path and helping me with my bags, Mike stopped and hugged me.
"You sure you're going to be ok?" He asked when I was ready to go.
I nodded.
I knew I wasn't ok, but I had to go. If I stayed any longer, than shit was sure to break loose again and I didn't want to stick around when Addi finally realized and saw me and Billie Joe as the item and not Tre and I.
"If you need anything, then just call me ok?" He told me.
I nodded again.
It used to be Tre who was my agony uncle, but now it was Mike. And I was forever grateful to him for it.
"Well," he sighed smiling a small smile. "I guess you don't want to be standing here forever."
Smiling sadly at him I slowly shook my head.
"Come here...." He spoke softly, opening up his arms and hugging me tight again.
Putting his hand on the small of my back I held onto him so tight, it felt like the end.
And I hated it.
"I'm gonna miss you Stef." He told me. "But I'll make sure to come find you in a few weeks when we get out. I'm not going to let you escape from Billie Joe's life that quickly. He wanted you - he gets you. I won't let him just throw you away."
"Thanks Mike." I sobbed; looking over his shoulder and up to the window of the room Billie Joe was in.
Follow your heart Billie Joe. Follow your heart and never look back.
And then as the taxi rolled away from the house with me in it, I waved to Adrienne and the boys as Mike stood at the end of the boulevard with his hands in his pockets, sadly watching.
And then I turned away, sat back, and cried again.
Billie Joe and I were over.
* * * * * * * *
I hated being on my own. I had been with at least one of them nearly every day for the past almost year. I wanted Billie Joe.
But I knew I couldn't have him. And I knew I was stupid for letting myself get into this state.
But it seemed so right, and it felt so wrong not to be with him right now. I felt empty and cold inside, and so so lost.
It was New Year's Eve. I had been on my own for 3 days now. And I had done absolutely nothing except for bask in the feelings I still had for the guitarist and how much I wished for everything to be ok again.
For most of the evening I had sat in my hotel room, watching the tube and moping about. But when it turned quarter past eleven, I decided to go down town and see the New Year in surrounded by people - I didn't know them but it made me feel as if I wasn't alone.
Trying to push the thought of Billie Joe being with Adrienne right now out of my mind, I put on my coat and headed into town.
Even though Adrienne was his wife, and he had a right to be with her - I was still upset about it. He had spent the last year practically being stuck by my side, and how many times had he seen his family? I still felt as if I had the right for him to be here with me.
But he wasn't with me anymore, and I had to get used to it.
And even if I had been abandoned by those I loved the most, I was determined to try and forget about it at least tonight - and try and have a bit of fun.
* * * * * * * *
Sitting on my own in the local bar I looked around - and saw everyone celebrating.
I was the only one sitting there alone.
And it made my heart fall heavy.
Putting my glass down onto the side, I sighed, staring down as I listened to everyone laughing and bustling about chatter with each other.
Where are you?
And I'm so sorry.
I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
The events of the last few weeks filtered through my mind and replayed over and over again until I was sure I was going mad.
Love had made me crazy. Driven me to insanity.
Someone in the crowd that was center of the bar started screaming out to start the countdown.
And I sunk into my chair further.
The last year had been just unbelievable. So much had happened - too much to even imagine.
And who would even think that it was almost a year ago that I met Billie Joe?
But right now, it was all over. I had walked away from what I loved the most, and I knew it was going to hurt more than what it was now.
And then, as I took a swig from my Tia Maria and Coke, placing back on the side, my heart seemed to suddenly burst inside of me - all my senses drying up in the process.
"Excuse me, can I get past?" A familiar voice asked someone in the crowd of cheering and screaming people, pushing past them and stepping out in front of me..
Snapping my head up and my breath caught in the hitch of the moment, I stared straight up at Billie Joe.
