A Note Don't Come Easy, chapter 52
It was Billie Joe's 34th Birthday.
And the small family and friends party was being held at the Armstrong household, just like Christmas had been.
Billie Joe drove us there early in the morning, with Mike and I in the back as company of the celebrations. Tre however, had decided to stay behind.
But it wasn't just because of the situation he would have had to put himself in again; it was due to the fact that once again, he was meeting up with Emma. And in a way it was good for all of us, because then there would be no tension between us and I could simply attend at no emotional expense. I could just enjoy the party and have a good time without having to get cute and cuddly with Tre in front of Billie.
We just told them that he had stayed at the hotel in San Francisco, as he wasn't feeling too well. We had been in San Francisco for the last 2 weeks.
Jakob was overwhelmed at seeing me again, and the youngest Armstrong member practically stayed glued to my side all afternoon.
And Adrienne was always so lovely to me - it just made me feel even guiltier.
It was the evening and the boys had just gone to bed, and as Adrienne was in the kitchen cleaning up, Billie Joe sat across the living room, looking at me with a longing.
A longing of wanting me so badly and never feeling so turned on than he was right now.
He blamed all the booze and birthday cake.
He needed me out of the house, now.
Walking towards me I watched him curiously.
"Come on," he told me. "I'm taking you back."
"Er... ok." I simply replied, thinking he wanted me out because he was feeling awkward.
He grabbed his car keys and walked into the kitchen.
"I'm just going to drive Stef back to the hotel to Tre yeah?" Billie Joe told Adrienne, kissing her. "So I'll be a while."
"You're taking her all the way back to San Francisco?" His wife asked him.
"Not all the way. Just to the train station. She's gonna catch a train there."
"You sure you don't want to stay here the night?" She asked me.
"I would," I replied. "But I want to get back to Tre, see how he is."
"Ok honey."
Of course Billie Joe was going to take me a hotel nearby, where I would spend the night, and he would pick me up tomorrow when were really planning on returning to San Francisco. It was just another cover story and lie for Adrienne to believe.
The older woman smiled before giving me a hug. "It's been good to see you again hun. I've really enjoyed it, and I know the boys were glad to see you."
"Yeah, me too Addi." I replied, returning the hug. "I've had a great time and it's been really good to see you too."
Billie Joe stood watching, his car keys dangling from his fingers as he folded his arms over and waited for me - helpless to feeling a little awkward.
"We have to go out some time again, yeah?" She told me.
I nodded. "Yeah, I'd like that."
"Well, take care of yourself sweetie. And I'll see you soon."
"Yeah, you too Addi."
Exchanging a kiss on the cheek each, Adrienne came and stood by the door to the house and waved goodbye as Billie Joe drove us away in his Ford Fairlane.
Sighing deeply once we were out of sight from the Mrs Armstrong, I slumped back in my chair and I couldn't help but feel a wave of guilt sweep through me.
How can I say those things when I knew that Billie Joe was going to tell her soon?
Then I felt Billie Joe's hand on my leg as he took it away from the steering wheel momentarily.
"You ok?" he asked, comforting me.
"Yeah. You?"
He sighed before humming his reply.
Placing his hand back on the steering wheel, he took an off turn and drove down an empty road - all quiet and still. Hardly anything or anyone around.
Turning off the ignition and slipping off his seatbelt, I turned to face him - curious to as why we had stopped, and at this particular place.
"Billie, this isn't the hotel." I told him, watching as he scooted closer to me.
"I know." He replied as he placed his hand once again on my leg and moved it up to my thigh.
I looked into his eyes, and with one hand still rubbing my thigh; he undid my seatbelt with the other, and did so without even breaking our gaze.
"Let's move into the back." He told me in a seductive manner, whispering so close near my lips and causing me to let out a surprised moan.
Obeying him, I got up and wedged myself in between the two front seats of the vehicle, slipping into the back as he followed me.
Taking my hips in his hands, he scooted me down onto the seats, pulling me down and securing me in a place.
Looking up at him he leaned in and kissed the crook of my neck, before trailing up to meet my mouth.
Letting out a soft moan I curled my hand around the back of his neck, feeling the scuffle of the bottom of his hair.
"Billie... " I moaned against him, whispering in his ear and causing a shiver to run up his spine.
"Hmmmm."
"Billie... Don't stop... please... "
Without any warning, I felt him slip his hand under the waistline of my jeans - a gasp escaping from my lips in between soft kiss.
"Urgh, Billie... you make me weak... I want you... "
"Say it again Stef... " He groaned against my skin.
"I want you Billie... "
"And again... "
"I want you so much Billie... "
Placing one of my hands on his hips, I unbuckled his belt before delicately slipping his trousers from off of his narrow hips slightly.
Doing the same to me, he slid my trousers down, continuing to shower me with kisses.
Teasing me with his hands I fell weak to him, wrapping my arms around the back of his neck and drawing him closer down to me.
"Remind me why you got my name engraved on your arm..." he murmurmed against my lips, feather like.
"Because..." I whispered. "Because I wanted you immortalised on me...because...oh fuck Billie...just...urgh..."
"I like that reason..." he groaned, smiling before biting on the bottom of my lip.
Pressing his face into my shoulder and breathing heavily, little moans and cries escaped from both, Billie whispering my name in my ear - making me shudder.
And then afterwards, he suddenly fell from his climax, collapsing onto me like he had done so many times before.
"Now that has... been... the best... birthday present - ever." He gasped, gasping for air and kissing me softly, his lips lingering.
And then he collected me in his arms and held me close.
* * * * * * * *
24th February 2006.
Green Day were doing their exclusive gig, and if you've forgotten, I was going to be featuring as another guitarist for one of their songs.
And instead of doing the usual 'get-a-fan-on-stage-to-play-Knowledge' saga, it was going to be me playing instead while Billie sang.
And I was shit scared.
Sitting back stage for the first hour I watched from the wings, like I had done so many times before when they were on tour.
But then a roadie came and collected me, gave me a quick sound check, and before I knew it I was on stage.
Deafened by the sound of the crowd, Billie Joe beckoned me to come on stage.
"Guys, I want to introduce you to someone," he started, taking the mic off the stand and walking over to me. "We have a new guitarist here tonight."
Bringing me on stage, the crowd uplifted.
"Come in the centre Stef." He spoke before turning back to the crowd. "She comes all the way from Surrey England, and is a very good friend of mine."
Turning to flash a quick smile at me, he walked to the other side of the stage, leaving me standing in between Mike and Jason White.
"And she's gonna be featuring on the guitar for this song, alriiiggghhhttt!"
As the crowd roared, Jason started playing as Billie went straight into the first line of Knowledge.
"I know, things are getting tougher when you can't get the top off the bottom of the barrel... "
When the solo came I stepped forward and played to the crowd, Billie Joe jumping madly about the stage like he owned it.
And he did. Along with the rest of us. And for a few minutes while I played the solo, I owned the stage.
And it was so good. This had been one of my dreams, to play to thousands of people - and Billie Joe had made it reality.
He had made all my dreams and everything that I could wish for reality.
As the song finished, the crowd cheered and applauded, Billie Joe quietening them down before singing into the microphone again.
"Wise men say," he started to sing, causing nearly everyone to quirk an eyebrow and stare at him confusingly.
I frowned, watching him as he sung his lungs out into the microphone, Mike trying not to smirk at his friend's stupid outburst.
"... Only fools rush in." he continued, before he started to walk across the stage in my direction. "But I, can't, help, falling in love... "
He then surprisingly turned to me, a hand outstretched to me as he sung the last line. "... With you!"
My heart lurching, I just stared at him as the crowd cheered. Not knowing how to react, I stepped towards him and indicated to the microphone which he pointed in my direction.
"Billie, never give up the day job." I spoke into the microphone, everybody cheering as he laughed.
"Alright, alright." He laughed. "Now get the fuck off my stage!"
And before I knew it, a roadie had grabbed me by the sleeve of my top and was dragging me across the stage, into the wings and out back.
And as he dragged me I laughed - because life had never been this good to me before.
* * * * * * * *
It was early March.
I woke up to stare endlessly round my room, my stomach weak.
I turned round to find Billie Joe dug deep into the bed sheets, curled up in a ball and facing me.
He looked so cute asleep, with his lips slightly parted and his head softly on the pillow with his light soft hair decorating his features.
Sitting up, I rested my upper body against the headrest, putting my hand to my head and my stomach lurched.
Suddenly, without a warning, I ran to the bathroom and threw up into the toilet.
"Stef... ?" Billie Joe sleepily cried out at the sound of me throwing everything I had to eat last night up and down into the toilet.
"Stef?" He called out again as I heard him behind me, watching me from behind, slumped over the toilet.
Crouching down he placed his hand on the small of my back and rubbed it soothingly.
"Are you ok?"
Nodding slowly and weak like, he looked at me with concern. "How come you're sick?"
I shrugged my shoulders. I knew I would throw up again if I tried to talk.
After a few silent minutes of me hung over the toilet and Billie Joe crouched by my side, I tried to stand up.
Slowly I managed to do it, Billie Joe following me and placing his hands around my arms to support me.
He took me back to bed and laid me down, sitting down next to me with one leg hooked under the rest of his body.
He stroked my hair soothingly as I wearily looked at him, miserable.
"What made you throw up like that?" He asked.
"I dunno. I just woke up, and needed to be sick."
"Was it something you ate last night?"
"I don't think so. I think I would have been sick during the night if that was it."
He frowned.
"It's probably just a stomach bug or something." I shrugged off, sighing.
"You want to go to the doctors?" He asked me, holding my hand.
I shook my head. "No. I'll be fine by tomorrow."
But again I found myself quickly jumping out of the bed and throwing up, Billie Joe in tow behind me.
As I heaved again, he looked down on me - deeply concerned.
"I'm going to take you to the doctors." He told me, the tone of his voice meaning business.
Finishing, I stood up and leant against his chest, feeling weak still. Putting his arms around me he kept me so warm.
Sitting back on the bed I sighed, closing my eyes for a minute and letting my stomach rest.
He looked at me worriedly. "I'm gonna get you checked out. You're not right."
I looked at him with tired eyes.
"You still wanna go for that meal later?" he asked me.
Mike, Tre, Billie and I had planned to go out for lunch together downtown today.
I nodded. "I don't wanna ruin it."
"I'm sure they'll understand if we don't go."
"No, I want to go. I'll be fine." I interrupted him.
We had also planned to go shopping for a bit, but I wasn't feeling up to that. Billie Joe needed to go though, as he needed to get a few bits before he went back to Oakland within the next few days.
He was returning home with only one thing in mind. To tell Adrienne the truth.
And we were both scared about it. We tried to avoid the subject, but we both knew that it was on the other's mind.
Kissing my cheek as he lay next to me in bed, he tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear.
"Try and get some sleep yeah?" He suggested as I snuggled into him. "Try and rest so you can come out to eat later. I need to go and get a few bits though, so I might go for a bit. But I wont be long."
Nodding, I closed my eyes and let myself go, covering myself in the bed sheets as much as I could to keep warm.
* * * * * * * *
I woke up again and saw that Billie had done as he had said and had left and gone downtown for a while. Rubbing my eyes I looked about the room and sighed. I still didn't feel right. My stomach was weak and it was making me feel like absolute shit.
But I had always been told that if you lay in bed and basked in the glow of being ill, it would make things worse.
So, intending to make myself feel better I got up and turned on the kettle to make some coffee.
Standing in front of the mirror, I looked at how pale I seemed to be and how tired my eyes looked.
Quirking an eyebrow at the sight, I lent forward and took a piece of paper from off of the mirror that had been wedged in between the mirror glass and frame.
Biting my bottom lip I read a note that Billie had left behind.
Hope you feel better soon.
Gone downtown like I said.
Remember to be ready about 2.
Love you always and forever,
Billie Joe. Xx
Sighing and placing it on the top of the desk, I knitted my brow and placed one hand on my stomach.
Looking in the mirror at the way I was standing, it reminded of the way pregnant women always held themselves.
... Oh holy fucking shit...
A feeling mixed of fear, confusion and panic ripped right through me suddenly as I stared back at myself - the colour draining from me more than it already had.
I couldn't be... could I?
Feeling my stomach weaken, I reached and ran to the bathroom, throwing my guts up and its contents into the toilet.
Grasping hold of the toilet seat whilst I was sick for the 3rd time today, my head seemed to be spinning with so many thoughts.
Closing my eyes and hearing myself throwing up, the sides of my head pulsated.
I hated it.
Letting out a sob, I finished my latest vomit session and brushed my fringe out of my face, breathing slowly and trying to regain my strength back so I could clean my teeth.
And then I grabbed my sunglasses and walked out of the hotel room and into town quickly to the chemists without thinking twice about it.
I just hoped and prayed that I wouldn't bump into Billie Joe in the process.
* * * * * * * *
Swallowing back a lump in my throat that had been there for the last 5 minutes, I put it on the side of the bathroom counter top in front of the mirror and looked at my reflection.
Billie Joe's got to tell Adrienne this week. Tell her about us, otherwise they'll be no other way to explain that he has another kid on the way.
I wanted to tell him so badly, right now at this very minute. Walking back out into the suite I picked up the hotel phone and dialled his cell through the outside line. But there was no answer.
Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I need you Billie Joe.
Putting the phone back down and laying on the bed I stared at the ceiling, putting my hand to my forehead and trying to take it all in.
And then, like I couldn't believe, I had to tell myself.
"I'm pregnant." I spoke out, not knowing how to react. "I'm... I'm pregnant."
* * * * * * * *
I waited for him to come and pick me up from the hotel room, when the room phone rang.
After Billie Joe telling me on the phone to meet him in the lobby, I replaced the receiver to the handset and put on my jacket - my heart sinking a little.
I wanted to tell him here, when we were alone. I couldn't wait until tonight to tell him.
But doing as he had said, I went down and met him.
"Hey," he greeted me with a smile, snaking his arm around my waist and kissing me on the cheek.
"Hey." I replied, a little drain washed still.
"You feeling any better?"
"Yeah." I looked up at him. "Yeah, I do."
"Good. But I'm still going to take you to the meds." He told me as we walked out of the hotel. "I still want you checked over."
"Billie Joe, it's ok. I think it's just one of things. I'm sure it's... nothing... "
"I'm still not taking that." He said to me, walking with me hooked under his arm and so close together. "I won't be certain until we get it checked out by the professionals."
Sighing, I shrugged my shoulders. "Ok, but, not at this moment yeah? I've got a lot of things on my mind."
"Are you ok?" He asked, a cause for concern in his tone of voice as he studied my profile. "You wanna talk about it?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. Just... I'm just a little... scared about what's going to happen next."
He bit his bottom lip. "Yeah, me too. But we've discussed this. It's what we both want and... she has a right to know."
"She's going to hate me." I muttered.
He sighed sadly. "She's going to hate me even more."
An awkward silence fell upon us as we continued to walk through the City of San Francisco, the sun beating down on us.
"Look," he started again. "I know it's hard not to think about, but, let's just try and forget it for now, eh? I booked us a table at a restaurant because I wanted us to have a good time before the shit explodes. It's not going to be easy, and nobody said it would be, but I want us all just to spend some time together. It's going to be difficult from here on."
"Yeah. That's what I'm afraid of." I suddenly turned to him.
"Am I really worth it?" I asked him, a little stubborn.
He quirked an eyebrow, stunned.
"Stef, don't say that. You know you are-"
"Am I really worth your marriage of 11 years? Am I really worth giving up everything you have and love?"
"Of course you are Stef. Babe," he sobbed a little, taking my face in his hands and looking into my eyes. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and that's the truth. I don't want it to be any other way. I just want you to be mine forever. I know this is what I want. Is this what you want?"
Nodding my head sadly in his hands I sighed. "Yeah."
"Then that's all that matters. Just us. Nobody else. Fuck them. Let them think what they want. But as long as we have each other, we'll get through this."
"You promise you'll never leave me?" I sobbed, starting to cry for no apparent reason on Billie Joe's account.
"Of course I won't. Together forever, yeah?"
"Forever and ever." I sobbed, closing my eyes and letting the tears fall, before burying my face into him.
"Why are you crying?" He asked me softly, hating seeing me like this.
"I don't know."
"It's going to be all ok soon. I promise. No matter how difficult things get, I won't let anything tear us apart. Nothing. I promise that I'll always be here."
"And I'll always be here for you Billie Joe. Because I love you and nothing's going to change that. Never, ever." I sobbed into him, holding him tight to me and closing my eyes.
"Never, ever. And I love you with all my heart. Sure, Adrienne was my first love. But you're my true love. And it's going to stay like that."
Smiling up at him and holding him still, he ran his hand through my brown and red hinted hair before kissing my forehead.
"Come on, let's go get some lunch before Tre and Mike eat it all before we get there."
Let me fill your heart with joy and laughter,
Togetherness, that's all I am after,
Whenever you need me, I'll be there.
I reach out my hand to you,
I'll have faith in all you do,
Just call my name and I'll be there.
But the feeling I had buried deeply inside of me wouldn't go away. I was scared, like something bad was going to happen and all I wanted was for Billie Joe to protect me. But no matter how hard I tried, it wouldn't go away.
The feeling itself scared me, and I didn't like it.
And the small family and friends party was being held at the Armstrong household, just like Christmas had been.
Billie Joe drove us there early in the morning, with Mike and I in the back as company of the celebrations. Tre however, had decided to stay behind.
But it wasn't just because of the situation he would have had to put himself in again; it was due to the fact that once again, he was meeting up with Emma. And in a way it was good for all of us, because then there would be no tension between us and I could simply attend at no emotional expense. I could just enjoy the party and have a good time without having to get cute and cuddly with Tre in front of Billie.
We just told them that he had stayed at the hotel in San Francisco, as he wasn't feeling too well. We had been in San Francisco for the last 2 weeks.
Jakob was overwhelmed at seeing me again, and the youngest Armstrong member practically stayed glued to my side all afternoon.
And Adrienne was always so lovely to me - it just made me feel even guiltier.
It was the evening and the boys had just gone to bed, and as Adrienne was in the kitchen cleaning up, Billie Joe sat across the living room, looking at me with a longing.
A longing of wanting me so badly and never feeling so turned on than he was right now.
He blamed all the booze and birthday cake.
He needed me out of the house, now.
Walking towards me I watched him curiously.
"Come on," he told me. "I'm taking you back."
"Er... ok." I simply replied, thinking he wanted me out because he was feeling awkward.
He grabbed his car keys and walked into the kitchen.
"I'm just going to drive Stef back to the hotel to Tre yeah?" Billie Joe told Adrienne, kissing her. "So I'll be a while."
"You're taking her all the way back to San Francisco?" His wife asked him.
"Not all the way. Just to the train station. She's gonna catch a train there."
"You sure you don't want to stay here the night?" She asked me.
"I would," I replied. "But I want to get back to Tre, see how he is."
"Ok honey."
Of course Billie Joe was going to take me a hotel nearby, where I would spend the night, and he would pick me up tomorrow when were really planning on returning to San Francisco. It was just another cover story and lie for Adrienne to believe.
The older woman smiled before giving me a hug. "It's been good to see you again hun. I've really enjoyed it, and I know the boys were glad to see you."
"Yeah, me too Addi." I replied, returning the hug. "I've had a great time and it's been really good to see you too."
Billie Joe stood watching, his car keys dangling from his fingers as he folded his arms over and waited for me - helpless to feeling a little awkward.
"We have to go out some time again, yeah?" She told me.
I nodded. "Yeah, I'd like that."
"Well, take care of yourself sweetie. And I'll see you soon."
"Yeah, you too Addi."
Exchanging a kiss on the cheek each, Adrienne came and stood by the door to the house and waved goodbye as Billie Joe drove us away in his Ford Fairlane.
Sighing deeply once we were out of sight from the Mrs Armstrong, I slumped back in my chair and I couldn't help but feel a wave of guilt sweep through me.
How can I say those things when I knew that Billie Joe was going to tell her soon?
Then I felt Billie Joe's hand on my leg as he took it away from the steering wheel momentarily.
"You ok?" he asked, comforting me.
"Yeah. You?"
He sighed before humming his reply.
Placing his hand back on the steering wheel, he took an off turn and drove down an empty road - all quiet and still. Hardly anything or anyone around.
Turning off the ignition and slipping off his seatbelt, I turned to face him - curious to as why we had stopped, and at this particular place.
"Billie, this isn't the hotel." I told him, watching as he scooted closer to me.
"I know." He replied as he placed his hand once again on my leg and moved it up to my thigh.
I looked into his eyes, and with one hand still rubbing my thigh; he undid my seatbelt with the other, and did so without even breaking our gaze.
"Let's move into the back." He told me in a seductive manner, whispering so close near my lips and causing me to let out a surprised moan.
Obeying him, I got up and wedged myself in between the two front seats of the vehicle, slipping into the back as he followed me.
Taking my hips in his hands, he scooted me down onto the seats, pulling me down and securing me in a place.
Looking up at him he leaned in and kissed the crook of my neck, before trailing up to meet my mouth.
Letting out a soft moan I curled my hand around the back of his neck, feeling the scuffle of the bottom of his hair.
"Billie... " I moaned against him, whispering in his ear and causing a shiver to run up his spine.
"Hmmmm."
"Billie... Don't stop... please... "
Without any warning, I felt him slip his hand under the waistline of my jeans - a gasp escaping from my lips in between soft kiss.
"Urgh, Billie... you make me weak... I want you... "
"Say it again Stef... " He groaned against my skin.
"I want you Billie... "
"And again... "
"I want you so much Billie... "
Placing one of my hands on his hips, I unbuckled his belt before delicately slipping his trousers from off of his narrow hips slightly.
Doing the same to me, he slid my trousers down, continuing to shower me with kisses.
Teasing me with his hands I fell weak to him, wrapping my arms around the back of his neck and drawing him closer down to me.
"Remind me why you got my name engraved on your arm..." he murmurmed against my lips, feather like.
"Because..." I whispered. "Because I wanted you immortalised on me...because...oh fuck Billie...just...urgh..."
"I like that reason..." he groaned, smiling before biting on the bottom of my lip.
Pressing his face into my shoulder and breathing heavily, little moans and cries escaped from both, Billie whispering my name in my ear - making me shudder.
And then afterwards, he suddenly fell from his climax, collapsing onto me like he had done so many times before.
"Now that has... been... the best... birthday present - ever." He gasped, gasping for air and kissing me softly, his lips lingering.
And then he collected me in his arms and held me close.
* * * * * * * *
24th February 2006.
Green Day were doing their exclusive gig, and if you've forgotten, I was going to be featuring as another guitarist for one of their songs.
And instead of doing the usual 'get-a-fan-on-stage-to-play-Knowledge' saga, it was going to be me playing instead while Billie sang.
And I was shit scared.
Sitting back stage for the first hour I watched from the wings, like I had done so many times before when they were on tour.
But then a roadie came and collected me, gave me a quick sound check, and before I knew it I was on stage.
Deafened by the sound of the crowd, Billie Joe beckoned me to come on stage.
"Guys, I want to introduce you to someone," he started, taking the mic off the stand and walking over to me. "We have a new guitarist here tonight."
Bringing me on stage, the crowd uplifted.
"Come in the centre Stef." He spoke before turning back to the crowd. "She comes all the way from Surrey England, and is a very good friend of mine."
Turning to flash a quick smile at me, he walked to the other side of the stage, leaving me standing in between Mike and Jason White.
"And she's gonna be featuring on the guitar for this song, alriiiggghhhttt!"
As the crowd roared, Jason started playing as Billie went straight into the first line of Knowledge.
"I know, things are getting tougher when you can't get the top off the bottom of the barrel... "
When the solo came I stepped forward and played to the crowd, Billie Joe jumping madly about the stage like he owned it.
And he did. Along with the rest of us. And for a few minutes while I played the solo, I owned the stage.
And it was so good. This had been one of my dreams, to play to thousands of people - and Billie Joe had made it reality.
He had made all my dreams and everything that I could wish for reality.
As the song finished, the crowd cheered and applauded, Billie Joe quietening them down before singing into the microphone again.
"Wise men say," he started to sing, causing nearly everyone to quirk an eyebrow and stare at him confusingly.
I frowned, watching him as he sung his lungs out into the microphone, Mike trying not to smirk at his friend's stupid outburst.
"... Only fools rush in." he continued, before he started to walk across the stage in my direction. "But I, can't, help, falling in love... "
He then surprisingly turned to me, a hand outstretched to me as he sung the last line. "... With you!"
My heart lurching, I just stared at him as the crowd cheered. Not knowing how to react, I stepped towards him and indicated to the microphone which he pointed in my direction.
"Billie, never give up the day job." I spoke into the microphone, everybody cheering as he laughed.
"Alright, alright." He laughed. "Now get the fuck off my stage!"
And before I knew it, a roadie had grabbed me by the sleeve of my top and was dragging me across the stage, into the wings and out back.
And as he dragged me I laughed - because life had never been this good to me before.
* * * * * * * *
It was early March.
I woke up to stare endlessly round my room, my stomach weak.
I turned round to find Billie Joe dug deep into the bed sheets, curled up in a ball and facing me.
He looked so cute asleep, with his lips slightly parted and his head softly on the pillow with his light soft hair decorating his features.
Sitting up, I rested my upper body against the headrest, putting my hand to my head and my stomach lurched.
Suddenly, without a warning, I ran to the bathroom and threw up into the toilet.
"Stef... ?" Billie Joe sleepily cried out at the sound of me throwing everything I had to eat last night up and down into the toilet.
"Stef?" He called out again as I heard him behind me, watching me from behind, slumped over the toilet.
Crouching down he placed his hand on the small of my back and rubbed it soothingly.
"Are you ok?"
Nodding slowly and weak like, he looked at me with concern. "How come you're sick?"
I shrugged my shoulders. I knew I would throw up again if I tried to talk.
After a few silent minutes of me hung over the toilet and Billie Joe crouched by my side, I tried to stand up.
Slowly I managed to do it, Billie Joe following me and placing his hands around my arms to support me.
He took me back to bed and laid me down, sitting down next to me with one leg hooked under the rest of his body.
He stroked my hair soothingly as I wearily looked at him, miserable.
"What made you throw up like that?" He asked.
"I dunno. I just woke up, and needed to be sick."
"Was it something you ate last night?"
"I don't think so. I think I would have been sick during the night if that was it."
He frowned.
"It's probably just a stomach bug or something." I shrugged off, sighing.
"You want to go to the doctors?" He asked me, holding my hand.
I shook my head. "No. I'll be fine by tomorrow."
But again I found myself quickly jumping out of the bed and throwing up, Billie Joe in tow behind me.
As I heaved again, he looked down on me - deeply concerned.
"I'm going to take you to the doctors." He told me, the tone of his voice meaning business.
Finishing, I stood up and leant against his chest, feeling weak still. Putting his arms around me he kept me so warm.
Sitting back on the bed I sighed, closing my eyes for a minute and letting my stomach rest.
He looked at me worriedly. "I'm gonna get you checked out. You're not right."
I looked at him with tired eyes.
"You still wanna go for that meal later?" he asked me.
Mike, Tre, Billie and I had planned to go out for lunch together downtown today.
I nodded. "I don't wanna ruin it."
"I'm sure they'll understand if we don't go."
"No, I want to go. I'll be fine." I interrupted him.
We had also planned to go shopping for a bit, but I wasn't feeling up to that. Billie Joe needed to go though, as he needed to get a few bits before he went back to Oakland within the next few days.
He was returning home with only one thing in mind. To tell Adrienne the truth.
And we were both scared about it. We tried to avoid the subject, but we both knew that it was on the other's mind.
Kissing my cheek as he lay next to me in bed, he tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear.
"Try and get some sleep yeah?" He suggested as I snuggled into him. "Try and rest so you can come out to eat later. I need to go and get a few bits though, so I might go for a bit. But I wont be long."
Nodding, I closed my eyes and let myself go, covering myself in the bed sheets as much as I could to keep warm.
* * * * * * * *
I woke up again and saw that Billie had done as he had said and had left and gone downtown for a while. Rubbing my eyes I looked about the room and sighed. I still didn't feel right. My stomach was weak and it was making me feel like absolute shit.
But I had always been told that if you lay in bed and basked in the glow of being ill, it would make things worse.
So, intending to make myself feel better I got up and turned on the kettle to make some coffee.
Standing in front of the mirror, I looked at how pale I seemed to be and how tired my eyes looked.
Quirking an eyebrow at the sight, I lent forward and took a piece of paper from off of the mirror that had been wedged in between the mirror glass and frame.
Biting my bottom lip I read a note that Billie had left behind.
Hope you feel better soon.
Gone downtown like I said.
Remember to be ready about 2.
Love you always and forever,
Billie Joe. Xx
Sighing and placing it on the top of the desk, I knitted my brow and placed one hand on my stomach.
Looking in the mirror at the way I was standing, it reminded of the way pregnant women always held themselves.
... Oh holy fucking shit...
A feeling mixed of fear, confusion and panic ripped right through me suddenly as I stared back at myself - the colour draining from me more than it already had.
I couldn't be... could I?
Feeling my stomach weaken, I reached and ran to the bathroom, throwing my guts up and its contents into the toilet.
Grasping hold of the toilet seat whilst I was sick for the 3rd time today, my head seemed to be spinning with so many thoughts.
Closing my eyes and hearing myself throwing up, the sides of my head pulsated.
I hated it.
Letting out a sob, I finished my latest vomit session and brushed my fringe out of my face, breathing slowly and trying to regain my strength back so I could clean my teeth.
And then I grabbed my sunglasses and walked out of the hotel room and into town quickly to the chemists without thinking twice about it.
I just hoped and prayed that I wouldn't bump into Billie Joe in the process.
* * * * * * * *
Swallowing back a lump in my throat that had been there for the last 5 minutes, I put it on the side of the bathroom counter top in front of the mirror and looked at my reflection.
Billie Joe's got to tell Adrienne this week. Tell her about us, otherwise they'll be no other way to explain that he has another kid on the way.
I wanted to tell him so badly, right now at this very minute. Walking back out into the suite I picked up the hotel phone and dialled his cell through the outside line. But there was no answer.
Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I need you Billie Joe.
Putting the phone back down and laying on the bed I stared at the ceiling, putting my hand to my forehead and trying to take it all in.
And then, like I couldn't believe, I had to tell myself.
"I'm pregnant." I spoke out, not knowing how to react. "I'm... I'm pregnant."
* * * * * * * *
I waited for him to come and pick me up from the hotel room, when the room phone rang.
After Billie Joe telling me on the phone to meet him in the lobby, I replaced the receiver to the handset and put on my jacket - my heart sinking a little.
I wanted to tell him here, when we were alone. I couldn't wait until tonight to tell him.
But doing as he had said, I went down and met him.
"Hey," he greeted me with a smile, snaking his arm around my waist and kissing me on the cheek.
"Hey." I replied, a little drain washed still.
"You feeling any better?"
"Yeah." I looked up at him. "Yeah, I do."
"Good. But I'm still going to take you to the meds." He told me as we walked out of the hotel. "I still want you checked over."
"Billie Joe, it's ok. I think it's just one of things. I'm sure it's... nothing... "
"I'm still not taking that." He said to me, walking with me hooked under his arm and so close together. "I won't be certain until we get it checked out by the professionals."
Sighing, I shrugged my shoulders. "Ok, but, not at this moment yeah? I've got a lot of things on my mind."
"Are you ok?" He asked, a cause for concern in his tone of voice as he studied my profile. "You wanna talk about it?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. Just... I'm just a little... scared about what's going to happen next."
He bit his bottom lip. "Yeah, me too. But we've discussed this. It's what we both want and... she has a right to know."
"She's going to hate me." I muttered.
He sighed sadly. "She's going to hate me even more."
An awkward silence fell upon us as we continued to walk through the City of San Francisco, the sun beating down on us.
"Look," he started again. "I know it's hard not to think about, but, let's just try and forget it for now, eh? I booked us a table at a restaurant because I wanted us to have a good time before the shit explodes. It's not going to be easy, and nobody said it would be, but I want us all just to spend some time together. It's going to be difficult from here on."
"Yeah. That's what I'm afraid of." I suddenly turned to him.
"Am I really worth it?" I asked him, a little stubborn.
He quirked an eyebrow, stunned.
"Stef, don't say that. You know you are-"
"Am I really worth your marriage of 11 years? Am I really worth giving up everything you have and love?"
"Of course you are Stef. Babe," he sobbed a little, taking my face in his hands and looking into my eyes. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and that's the truth. I don't want it to be any other way. I just want you to be mine forever. I know this is what I want. Is this what you want?"
Nodding my head sadly in his hands I sighed. "Yeah."
"Then that's all that matters. Just us. Nobody else. Fuck them. Let them think what they want. But as long as we have each other, we'll get through this."
"You promise you'll never leave me?" I sobbed, starting to cry for no apparent reason on Billie Joe's account.
"Of course I won't. Together forever, yeah?"
"Forever and ever." I sobbed, closing my eyes and letting the tears fall, before burying my face into him.
"Why are you crying?" He asked me softly, hating seeing me like this.
"I don't know."
"It's going to be all ok soon. I promise. No matter how difficult things get, I won't let anything tear us apart. Nothing. I promise that I'll always be here."
"And I'll always be here for you Billie Joe. Because I love you and nothing's going to change that. Never, ever." I sobbed into him, holding him tight to me and closing my eyes.
"Never, ever. And I love you with all my heart. Sure, Adrienne was my first love. But you're my true love. And it's going to stay like that."
Smiling up at him and holding him still, he ran his hand through my brown and red hinted hair before kissing my forehead.
"Come on, let's go get some lunch before Tre and Mike eat it all before we get there."
Let me fill your heart with joy and laughter,
Togetherness, that's all I am after,
Whenever you need me, I'll be there.
I reach out my hand to you,
I'll have faith in all you do,
Just call my name and I'll be there.
But the feeling I had buried deeply inside of me wouldn't go away. I was scared, like something bad was going to happen and all I wanted was for Billie Joe to protect me. But no matter how hard I tried, it wouldn't go away.
The feeling itself scared me, and I didn't like it.
