A Note Don't Come Easy, chapter 53
Walking down the boulevard, I smiled up at him as he held me close to him, his arm draped over my shoulder. He smiled back, and it made me feel warm. To know that I was his. And as we walked, I thought about just how far I had come in the last year and a few months.
There he was, standing there at the door to my suite, as if this was normal. And I'll tell you something, this wasn't normal.
Smirking a little at the thought of the day when I first met them, Billie Joe led me towards a restaurant.
Stopping, he took my hands in his and looked into my eyes.
"Now lets go and enjoy ourselves yeah?" He said, smiling sweetly at me.
I nodded. "Ok." I leant up and kissed him on the lips before he opened up the door for us to walk through.
Entering the restaurant, I saw Tre and Mike already sitting down next to each other. Tre's head looked up at the sight of us walking towards us and he waved - causing Mike to turn around and smile at us.
"Billie, what took you so long?" Tre asked him mockingly, watching as we sat down opposite him and Mike.
"We just took our time getting down here. Didn't want Stef to be sick again."
"Yeah, Billie told us you weren't well." Mike said, sitting opposite me. "You feeling any better?"
"Yeah. I am thanks." I told him, trying to block the fact that I was pregnant out of my head. "You doing ok?"
"Yeah, actually. You know, it's that time of the year where the weathers starting to get good, and when things aren't too hectic. It's just right."
"Yeah, I know what you mean." I replied, agreeing with him.
"Speaking of 'times of the year'," I added. "Did ya' know it's been about a year since my first audition?"
Tre looked at me, before a smile spread across his face. "Yeah. Jesus fuck, it's been a year."
"Kid. You're in."
"Thank you so much! You don't know how much this means to me!" I squealed in delight.
"I think we have a fair idea." Billie Joe told me, sitting behind the judges table, smiling.
"Yeah. It's been a year since we all met." I couldn't help but smile at the fact as I looked around at them all. I turned to Billie Joe. "It's been a year since you started giving me guitar lessons to help me."
He smiled sweetly of a happy memory.
"Kid, if you want help with practicing, I'm always willing."
"Yeah, it's a year since we had to do that damn thing." Tre added, smirking. "I liked it at first, but then it just got boring. Like 'shut up. You suck, ok?' "
I smiled from the corner of my mouth. "Sorry I was one of those kids."
"No, but you were what made it worthwhile." Billie added, smiling knowingly down at me. "Just seeing you through made it worth sitting there for hours on end."
"Thanks." I replied quietly, a little embarrassed
"Shame you didn't win though." Mike sighed. "It would have been good."
"Instead we all had fucking Jimmy boy to put up with." Tre added, rolling his eyes a little angry.
"God, I hate that fucking boy." I groaned thinking of him. "I really, really hate him. Bastard he was. If I ever bump into him again, I'm going to throttle him."
I thought back to my last audition when I had first met him. It was as clear as anything. Like it had happened yesterday.
"Yes you are. I know that you're hiding something. I know that you're staying with Green Day." Jimmy yelled at me.
"What are you talking about?" I answered back, trying to hide my secret.
"Don't lie. I know you do. I've seen it in the way that you look at them, especially Billie Joe."
"That boy knew too much for my liking." I added, curling my lip at the thought of him before turning to look up at Billie Joe. "You know that he knew about us way before we bumped into him at the parking lot?"
Billie Joe frowned.
"How come?"
"Probably spying on us. He kept telling me that he knew that I was with you and that everybody else knew it too."
"Oh and look. She's brought lover boy with her."
"Fuck off Jimmy." I growled back.
"I knew something was going on between you two..."
"Well," Mike butted it. "The fact that his mum was one of the judges probably didn't do any justice to you either."
"I thought all the life had been sucked out of me that day." I told them, frowning at the side of my mouth and staring at the table.
"You mean the day when they were at the parking lot?" Mike asked, causing me to look up at him.
"Yeah."
Holy shit... Toni was, Jimmy's... mum?!
I suddenly let go of Billie Joe's hand without thinking, and raced towards them like a bull seeing red. Something inside me was forcing me to do this.
A waiter came over to our table, greeting us and taking drink orders from Tre.
"And she'll have a Tia Maria and Coke." Tre added, pointing in my direction.
"Er, no thanks. I'll just take a glass of water please." I corrected, looking up at the waiter.
Billie Joe looked down at me. "Are you ok?" He asked, concerned.
"Yeah." I replied. "Just wanna, you know, take precautions."
"Yeah, sure." He smiled back at me.
I smiled weakly back at him, but the obvious was on my mind. I had to tell him soon, but I couldn't when the other two were around. I had to get him on his own, and like the many times before, it was difficult to do exactly that. And it was mentally stressing me out. It reminded me of the times when it had taken us so long to find time on our own to talk. It was like that feeling all over again and I hadn't felt it for so long.
"This is why I wanted you to come to the Grammies. Not just because there was a spare place, but because I wanted you to come with me, for the fact that I like you." Billie Joe told me, cupping my hands in his.
Our drinks arrived and drawing the glass close to my lips I took a sip of water.
Looking down I sighed, closing my eyes for a few seconds. I was so tired.
"You ok?" Billie Joe asked me, rubbing the small of my back soothingly with his palm.
I nodded. "Yeah."
"Hey Stef," Tre called, causing me to look up at him. "Watch this."
Picking up the lemon from his drink, Tre squeezed the juice out of it before screwing the remains of it up into a ball. Looking around mischievously, he made sure that no one was looking before chucking it up into the air at such a force that it stuck to the ceiling above us.
Billie Joe, Mike and I all burst out laughing, looking about cautiously to see that no one had been looking. Tre giggled, sneaking a look above to see the lemon stuck above him.
"I'm just keeping her company which is more than you can say you arsewipe."
Billie Joe turned to face his friend face on, scowling at him, his eyes widening in the process.
"I tried Tre! I fucking tried! What else am I supposed to do?" He screamed.
Soon enough, our meals were being served to us, either a light snack or a full-blown meal. But I still didn't feel like eating even though Billie Joe had ordered me a bowl of pasta - one of my favorite foods.
Tre grabbed hold of the pepper, turning it whilst trying to take a sip of his drink at the same time, causing the pepper to unscrew and spill everywhere. All over his dinner, the table, himself and Mike.
"Oh Tre, now look what you've done!" Mike groaned throwing his arms up in the air, rolling his eyes and turning to help him.
"I didn't mean it!" He defended himself.
"Come here..." Mike tutted, brushing off the pepper and onto the floor.
It was like watching a father tend to his son.
Billie Joe smirked as I watched, trying not to let a gasp of laughter escape me.
And comically, as if we could read each other's minds, both Billie Joe and I took the chance to face each other while the other two were occupied.
"There's something I need to tell you." I told Billie.
"I want to tell you something." Billie Joe said at the same time.
We looked at each other for a second before he smiled.
"Well, erm..." he mumbled awkwardly. "You first."
"No, Billie. You go first." I offered.
"Ok, well." He started, taking a deep breath of air before picking at his dinner with his fork. "I'm definitely going to tell Addi. About us. And...I'm going to pack my stuff while I'm there too. I know she'll kick me out, so..."
"Look, Billie, we don't have to even go that fast. We can take it slowly if you-"
"No." he interrupted. "I've...I've made my decision."
He turned to smile at me. "I'm going to tell her and leave."
There was an awkward silence between us, Tre sneezing during it from the amount of pepper that was being sprayed about, passing it onto Mike who then went into a fit of sneezes himself.
I turned to look at him with affection.
"I'm proud of you Billie Joe."
He paused before smiling, placing his hand on top of mine. "Yeah."
Then quickly, like I couldn't hold it in anymore, I turned back to him.
"Billie, I - "
He looked at me eagerly, listening to what I was about to tell him.
"Billie, there's something I need to tell you. I - "
Suddenly, there was a crash, a crash that was somewhere crossed with a bang - a crash so deafening that it made our ears pop. The ground shook and things clattered off of tables and everyone hang on suddenly. It was like an earthquake. I clung onto Billie Joe, Tre and Mike holding onto the table suddenly at the movement around them. People started screaming around us as all the lights went out for a few seconds before coming back on.
Holding me in an embrace, Billie Joe's eyes darted about the restaurant as he held onto me, protecting me like I was the only thing that mattered.
When everything fell still again, Mike looked out of the door and then back at Billie and I.
"Are you ok?" Billie Joe asked, keeping me close to him.
I gulped. "Yeah."
"What the fuck was that?" Mike asked, looking about preciosity.
Tre swallowed back a lump in his throat, only just letting go of the table.
"I don't know..." Billie Joe stuttered as I still clung onto him.
"Sounded like an explosion or something." Tre added, looking around at us all with terrified eyes.
And like we were waiting for it to happen, sounds of screams and cries seeped through the windows from outside. I quirked an eyebrow, my eyes wide as I listened to the haunting cries. They were so disturbing it made me want to be sick. I felt Billie Joe gulp against me, Mike and Tre turning to the sounds to see where they were coming from to see people running past the restaurant in all directions. Some people in the restaurant had started screaming too, and were running out of the building, either crying or looking back to see what was happening.
I edged further into Billie as I swallowed back a lump like Tre had just done, suddenly scared, my heart beating madly inside of me.
"Billie..." I whimpered, as if to tell him I was scared.
"It's alright babe." He shakily told me, pulling my head to his chest and keeping me safe as I wrapped my arms around him.
And then a mass of gray appeared just outside of the restaurant along with another shrieking bang, thick smoke flying through the air suddenly with bits of debris that shattered the glass windows - causing it to fly everywhere, a loud deafening sound following after.
Mike and Tre shielded themselves with their arms whilst ducking under the table, as I clenched my eyes shut and gripped onto Billie Joe for dear life as he too clamped his eyes shut, sliding down the chair and taking me with him.
Our ears were ringing and when I finally opened my eyes, I looked up to see Mike peering up from the table, one side of his face shattered with bits of glass. I wanted to scream.
I looked at him horrified, before turning to see Tre with a cut across his forehead. Billie Joe coughed as he sat up, as we were in a slumped position on the chair - half on the floor, half not.
I looked around the restaurant and saw the other customers that had remained in the restaurant with various wounds, looking around dazed. A few were even scattered about the place, unconscious or even probably dead. A fire had started out from the amount of fuels building up in the air, and various parts of furniture were caught alight. Everything that had been on the table was now shattered on the floor.
Billie Joe blinked as he looked down on me, and his eyes seemed to widen at the sight of my face - like something was wrong.
"Billie, what's wrong?" I asked him wearily, almost crying.
He went to answer but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He was so shocked it was like he was paralyzed.
And then we felt the ground start to shake underneath us again, causing me to cling on to Billie once more as Tre looked him straight in the eye with terror.
"Let's get out of here!" He yelled, suddenly standing up with Mike and abandoning the table.
Following, Billie Joe stood me to my feet, took my hand and ran with Tre and Mike from out of around the destroyed table
As the earth underneath us shook violently with the building, we headed for the door that had no glass in now. It was barely hanging on by the hinges.
"Let's move!" Billie Joe yelled as we ran towards the door, making sure I was with him still.
We all put our arms out to shield ourselves from the fire burning around us slowly.
"Shit!" I heard Tre scream somewhere in front of me.
And as we headed outside we were suddenly lost in a cloud of never ending smoke, choking us and sending debris into our eyes. Coughing out loud, Mike and Tre bent over as they headed into the smoke, desperately trying to find a way out. I started to cough too, covering my nose and mouth and winching through the smoke.
"Fuck!" Tre yelled coughing.
"Aw shit..." Mike joined in, staggering.
Looking around desperately, Billie Joe silently led me off down the smoke like blizzard boulevard, crashing into a car on the way that went unseen - causing him to double up in pain for a minute before he shook it off and carried on.
Finally we stepped out of the thick cloud of smoke and debris that was taking over the city and took in deep breaths of fresh air. I opened my eyes and they stung like hell, my breath caught up in my throat as I turned to Billie. We were bothered covered in a layer of thick brown muck, mixed with debris, blood and something else that I couldn't figure out.
I turned around and looked up, the cloud of smoke filling up the bright blue sky and growing taller and taller.
And then as I gained my breath back, I realized that there were people. People around me screaming, covered in blood and running about. Some were on the floor; others were running for their lives.
And then it occurred to me that we were caught right in the middle of a sickly terror attack.
I stared at everyone and everything, finding it so sickening and horrific that I wanted to scream and cry just like the rest of them.
Billie Joe held me close. "Are you alright?" He asked me, trying to regain his breath.
I looked into his eyes, not knowing how to react as my bottom lip trembled for a second. And just by looking into my eyes he could see the terror, and we knew that we were both scared.
He looked up as he saw Mike appear, covered in debris too and a thick layer of smoke. He was completely covered. Coughing, the battered bassist headed towards us, fluttering his eyelids as he stepped into daylight and clean air, dodging through screaming people as he did. He suddenly gasped for air, taking his hands away from his mouth as he did.
Billie Joe caught Mike in his arms as he slumped back, putting him back on his feet and slapping his cheek to get him to keep awake.
"Mike? Mike!"
The younger man opened his eyes again and looked at his best friend, putting his hand to his temple to rub before standing up fully again.
As Billie made sure Mike was still able to walk, I turned around and looked up behind me. And the sight of the burning city hit me hard.
I stared at it, my mouth open slightly agape, my eyes wide and full of terror. It was just...horrible.
It was a nightmare. It was hell on earth.
I felt my bottom lip tremble in fear as I tried to take it all in, looking on the ground to see a woman in particular crying over a body in the corner. As I watched in torment, it made me grab hold of Billie Joe in my sub-conscience. It was like an instant reaction to do so. I clung onto his jacket so tightly I could feel my knuckles through the material.
Various vehicles and parts of buildings were on fire around us, flames engulfing the city too along with the thick cloud of smoke that was following.
I turned back to Billie, pressing myself against him and clinging on. And that feeling that I had felt just before when we had entered the restaurant was back again, and it tugged on my heart so much that it scared the living piss out of me.
But the feeling I had buried deeply inside of me wouldn't go away. I was scared, like something bad was going to happen and all I wanted was for Billie Joe to protect me. But no matter how hard I tried, it wouldn't go away.
Now all 4 of us were out of the mass of smoke, Billie Joe turned me to face him and looked into my eyes pleadingly.
"Now you promise to stick with me and never leave my side?!"
I nodded, still hanging onto him tight, and then as to my surprise he kissed me quickly. Taking my hand tightly, he headed off down the boulevard with Mike in front, and Tre behind us. Sirens had started to sound now, screeching and so deafening that it made the whole thing more horrific.
But there were so many people darting about that it was hard to keep hold of Billie's hand. As we ran down the boulevard and out into a never-ending heap of destruction, I got parted from Billie in the panic. Yelping, I quickly ran after him and managed to keep near him. I turned around and stopped suddenly. Tre wasn't there.
My heart in my throat, I stood in the middle of the panicking crowds, my eyes darting around to look for him. Billie Joe and Mike hadn't realized that I had stopped and carried on. I looked back to see the backs of their heads in the crowd, and then back down the way we had just came. And then I spotted him standing there, in the middle, dazed and confused - panicking when he couldn't find us.
"Tre!" I yelled out after hesitating at the though of whether or not to run and help him.
I decided to shout for him instead. I didn't want to completely lose sight of either Billie or Mike.
But the drummer never heard me. He was trapped in a whirling mass of destruction and terror, not knowing where to go or what to do, looking about confusedly at the other people.
Seeing Tre standing there made me shudder. It made me disturbed. Looking up I saw the scaffolding situated in front of a building behind him start to topple.
"Tre!" I screamed at the top of my voice. "Tre! Get out of the way!"
I stood there, in the middle of the crowd, yelling at the top of my lungs for him to move.
"Move out of the way Tre!!!"
But he just looked around, slightly dumbfound and terrified by the whole thing.
And I was terrified for him.
Billie Joe and Mike had gone ahead, leaving me standing there and crying out hysterically at the drummer - my best friend.
"Tre! Move! Tre!" I screamed, panicking.
I saw the scaffolding start to tumble and then, like an instant reaction, shot forward and lunged at Tre. Everything moved so quickly around me as I neared him in a sprint. Shoving him out of the way I winded him, causing him to fall back and crash to the ground.
"I can't hold it for any longer!" Tre gasped, holding his breath. "See you in jail Stef."
"Tre no!" I screamed through my gritted teeth.
He couldn't blow our cover. If he sneezed, then the cops would find us and then that would be it.
I sharply turned my head to the door, where Billie Joe was showing the officer out. I turned back to Tre, who was red in the face from holding his breath, and looked as if he would burst any second now.
"Shut the door! Shut the door!" I chanted to myself, watching Billie Joe say a last few words.
"Ah," Tre began, tilting his head back.
"Tre!" I grunted, panic stricken.
"Ah!" Tre snorted again, inhaling fresh air into his lungs.
His eyes seemed to roll back as his head tilted again, resting against the wall. His nostrils flared again, and his face stretched back.
"No!" I screamed, lunging on top of Tre, covering his mouth and nose, shooting us across the floor.
We tumbled across the floor, from underneath the table, making us crash amongst the various brooms and mops in the cupboard opposite. Billie Joe closed the door behind him as Tre sprayed everywhere, sneezing. I cringed, looking away in the other direction. Tre looked at me shocked and confused to as why I had jumped on him like I had.
I saw a white light flash suddenly and something fall on top of me. I didn't feel myself fall. I only gained any type of sense again a few seconds later, looking up at the sky and everything happening around me. Groaning, I tried to look to the side, but I hurt too much.
And then I heard Billie Joe's shrilling cries.
"Stef!" He screamed, hearing his footsteps heading towards me. "Stef!"
His horrific cries scared me, and they were terrifically disturbing.
Like a mad man, he grabbed hold of the pieces of rubble that were on top of me and threw them behind him, digging and making his fingers bleed. Cursing under his breath and his heart in his mouth, he saw a pool of blood around my head and by my legs. Clearing me of the collapsed scaffolding, he leaned down to my side and crouched beside me, taking my hand. His eyes were wide and filled with terror as he looked down on me. He gulped. Only once had I seen him like this before.
"Oh shit... Stef... what the fuck have I done?"
He knelt down beside me, looking over me and taking my wrists in his. Horrified, he suddenly opened his palms to see what the sticky mess was that was dampening his skin. I don't think he realized how far I had taken things. He suddenly dropped my wrists, which fell to my side as I stared numb up at him, empty and cold inside. He stared at his palms that were now stained with my own blood, tears forming in his very own eyes and becoming hysterical.
"Stef..." he whispered ghostly to me, stroking my hair, my hand in his other.
"Billie..." I grumbled, crumpled on the floor in the middle of the disaster.
And oddly, it seemed like everything had stopped moving around us, and that it was just Billie Joe and I here in silence.
Swallowing back a lump he stared at me terrified - too stunned and shocked to even cry just yet.
"Billie...I...Tre was - I had to..." I tried to speak, straining in the process.
"Shhhh." He cooed, stroking my hand with both of his now. "It's ok. Don't try to talk ok? It's all going...to be...ok. We'll get some help." He tried to assure me, trying to hold back his tears as the reality started to slowly sink in.
He quickly glimpsed down to my leg to see it seeping blood through my jeans.
"What...what happened?" I managed to ask, looking up at him, dazed.
Everything was a blur around me. My head was throbbing so madly.
"You...you got knocked on the head with something." He lied, looking into my eyes.
He smiled bleakly.
"Everything's going to be ok. The medics will be here soon, and they'll take you away and make sure you get better. Just like they did before, yeah?"
"It'll be ok soon." He told me, clasping hold of my hand again. "Shhh. Don't make yourself worse. It'll be ok, the doctors will take care of you. And they won't judge you for cutting yourself. Nobody will. They'll understand. They won't pull faces or say that you were stupid or anything. And then you'll get better, and I'll take care of you forever. Even if it costs me my own life, I won't let you suffer again. Not now, not ever."
He wiped away another tear, eyeliner now fully smudged down his cheeks and the sides of his face.
"Billie...Tre...is he..." I whispered, straining still.
"Tre's fine." He hushed me, not even bothering to look at the drummer. "He's ok, but we've got to concentrate on getting you better." He told me, biting his lip.
Tre lay there, dumbfounded and in absolute shock of what had just happened. He just sat there, from where I had thrown him. He looked at me - a crumpled heap on the floor and Billie Joe crouched by my side and holding onto me so tightly. And he too felt like everything had stopped moving around him. It was like he was only focusing on Billie Joe and I. He swallowed back hard, and to him it had felt like he was already dead - because of what had happened. I had thrown myself at him to save his life, and now mine was hanging in the wings. He just stared - because that's all he could do.
"Tre, if you've got something to tell me, please say it." I groaned, slumped against the wall in the darkened alley. My head was throbbing from the amount of drink I had been drinking.
"Well, let's just say I like you, a bit... more... than... a... friend." He stuttered.
"Everything's going to be ok soon." Billie Joe started again, rubbing my hands. "I'm going to tell Adrienne, then we can have a place of our own, and it'll be just us like I promised. Because I love you Stef. I love you so damn much it hurts. It hurts babe. And, you just have to be ok...because...because I can't live without you."
He put his hand behind my head to support it, put pulled away to see my blood all over his hand. He quickly hid it from me, an overpowering feeling sweeping through him.
He looked into my eyes and a tear slowly crept from the corner of his eye and down his cheek, and then I knew that things weren't right. I knew that things were bad - and I could see it in his eyes. And it scared me.
I wanted to know what was happening with me. I was starting to get pins and needles, and my head was throbbing like mad.
And then looking down my body I saw something stuck inside of my right leg - a pole or something.
I gulped, putting my head back down and trying to take the pain.
Still people ran around us, screaming and crying - sirens becoming louder and louder by the minute. I just wanted him to take me in his arms, hold me tight. I wanted him to protect me and love me. I was crying inside for him to do that right now.
"Shhhhh." He put his finger to my lips. "No more words."
"But I - "
"No more buts. Never no more buts." He moved closer towards me as I looked into his eyes, watching his own as in his mind they undressed me. "No more words. No more sorrys. No more pain. No more... "
He stepped forward against me, his legs intertwined with mine as we stood there together. I brushed my lips against his, reacting him to kiss me once again. I felt his tongue, making me tingle all over.
"You know, ever since I've met you, I've never wanted anyone else. Not even Adrienne. No one. Because what we have is so strong, nothing can break it."
"You've never wanted anyone else?" I asked, looking up at him slightly dazed now.
"No one." He assured, shaking his head. "Just you Stef. Just you."
"I mean, Rachael... "
He kept quiet at the name, preparing to explain himself as I tensed up my arm that was hidden under a sheet so it wouldn't look obvious to him.
"Rachael... " he gulped a little again. "I never wanted to be with her. Not even that night Stef. I wanted you, that's why I had become so upset because it was like - like it was wrong for me to love you because it wasn't what you wanted. I told her that I had upset you, and she told me that it would all be ok and that she was always there to talk. And I believed her - I fucking believed her. She said she could help, and I was desperate Stef. So desperate to be with you - I just didn't know what to do."
It had seemed like an eternity had passed.
"Billie..." I whimpered, crying. "Hold me..."
Looking down on me he tried to hold back his tears. But he did exactly that. Scooting closer, he took my upper body and pulled me onto his lap, holding me close to him and nuzzling his head into the crook of my neck as I tried to desperately hold on to him with the strength I had left. The pain was excruciating now, and a line of sweat had formed on my forehead.
"I love you Billie Joe..." I sobbed, closing my eyes and feeling his warmth.
"I love you too Stef. I love you...so...much..." I heard him sniffle, another tear falling down his other cheek.
"I knew you two were a fucked up pair when I saw you together in the parking lot holding hands. You were vulnerable and stupid while he was a killer and a man whore." Jimmy told me.
"Remember to always remember me, yeah?" I sobbed again after another long pause of silence, feeling all the colour drain out of me. "Always remember me and what we had. Because it was the best thing that has ever happened to me."
"Don't say that." He told me, pressing his face close to mine. "Don't say your goodbye's yet."
"I never asked for it to be like this."
"Neither did I." He sighed. "But only I can put things right."
"If you want me, you'll come find me." I told him, holding the door handle still. "Until I see you again, if I see you again," I sighed sadly. "All I have to say is one thing. And that's follow your heart. Listen to it. Let it lead you the right way, even if it seems wrong. Because your heart knows what's right."
He cocked his head to one side as he listened. I tried to hold back my tears as I carried on.
"I've loved you more than anything this past year and I'll never stop loving you Billie Joe. You're my first love and I don't think I can ever love any one again like I did you. But I just want to say thank you for everything that you've done for me...and that...I'll always be thinking of you. You'll always be a part of me and I'm sad that you belong to another - but I know you're happy that way. And all...all I want...is for you to be...happy. I love you Billie Joe, and I hoped you loved me once too. But life had you cut out to be with someone else. It's been fun, and I've had...the best time of my life...but...you belong here. And...I don't deserve you. And whatever decision you make, I'll back you all the way. Because I can never let go of you, and I'll forever be holding onto what we had."
"Billie...last night...I want it to be last night, I want to be there. I wanna be back there, in the warm and holding you." I whimpered.
His bottom lip trembled as he tried to talk. "Me too. Me too."
"When you said you would love me forever, you meant that right?"
He nodded, a tear rolling down his cheek again. "Every word."
"No matter what happens, you'll still love me?"
Again he nodded because he was finding it so hard to speak.
I coughed, slowly feeling myself slip away as I thought back to last night, and how I longed to turn back time and be there right now.
Billie Joe stroked my arm softly as we lay next to each other in bed.
"Billie," I started, turning to him in thought.
"Hmmm?"
"You know you said about kids?" I pondered, licking my lip.
"Yeah?"
"If we had any, what would you call them?"
He looked at me deeply, studying my profile before answering. "I don't know. We'd have to think about it."
"What about Vicki for a girls name?" I asked as he shuffled nearer so he could face me
"Well, I wasn't expecting it to be a boy's name." He mocked, smirking.
I swatted him playfully. "Ok you dork."
"Ha." He laughed. "Dork. That's such a corny word."
I smiled. "Well, you are."
"Ok then. So what do you think of Bodrick for a boy? It'll fit its father's dorkish ways."
"Bodrick?!" I almost spat out. "I'd feel sorry for him. Bodrick Armstrong. Ha, you're right. It'll be Dork and Dork Jnr."
"You'll be surrounded by dorks for the rest of your life." Billie Joe told me, somewhat triumphantly.
"Great. My feminicity is doomed by the likes of your testosterone." I said sarcastically rolling my eyes.
He laughed at me, drawing me closer to him under the duvet before kissing me softly.
"Aw, you'll love it really."
I yelled out in pain as something twitched in my leg. My head felt so drowsy. I started to cry continuously now, feeling so cold and helpless. I was so scared.
Scared because I didn't know what to expect. It was like waiting for the unknown. I knew what was going to happen, but I didn't know how it would, or how it would make me feel. And that's what scared me.
Squeezing Billie Joe's hand he tried to keep strong for me, but that didn't stop him from crying himself.
And as if he could feel my pain, he tried to soothe it by singing softly to me.
"You hear me, so clearly and see how I try. You feel me, so heal me. And tear me apart."
I smiled at him weakly, as he sang Wet Wet Wet's 'Goodnight Girl' to me. He smiled a small smile back through the tears, before continuing.
"And I wont tell at all, I wont tell at all. And do they have to know, about my goodnight girl."
And then he swallowed back a lump in his throat before he said the next line.
"Caught up in your wishing well, your hope's inside, yeah. Take your love and promises, and make them last..."
He found the last line hard to speak, trying so hard not to suddenly burst out crying.
"Oh God Stef," he whispered so ghostly it haunted me. "Please don't die..."
I closed my eyes, feeling so weak and limb, as if all the energy and life were being washed out of me.
And then I suddenly remembered. I had to him that I was pregnant. I had to tell him. He had to know.
"Billie..." I suddenly cried out, grabbing his attention. "I need to...tell - you something...uh..."
"Shhhhh." He hushed me, trying to calm me.
"Billie Joe, I'm...I'm - I mean...I'm preg-"
"Shhhh." He told me again, stroking my hair. "It's ok. I'm here. Don't try and talk ok? Try and keep still."
"No," I groaned, my head suddenly starting to thump.
By this point I couldn't feel my legs and I was limb all over, and ever so pale.
"Billie, I'm preg- I'm...I'm...huh...urgh...I'm...baby...Billie...I..."
I started to strain, gasping for air suddenly as I panicked. Quickly I placed my hand on top of his, looking into his eyes, terrified. It was like I was having a seizure.
But I still had to tell him.
"Stef, just hold on for a little longer." He told me, horrified by what was happening.
He looked up, but still there was no sign of help. Just people running around and screaming. Turning back to look at me he started to panic too as I swallowed back, my eyes rolling into the back of my head for a few seconds as I closed my eyes.
"Don't close your eyes!" He told me, shaking me a little.
I opened them again, but by now I was so tired, all I wanted to do was let go.
"Don't close your eyes babe. Keep them open for me. If you close your eyes I'll just keep waking you up. I won't let you go."
I blinked at him for a second, before attempting to speak to him again.
"Billie Joe...listen to me," I murmured, finding it painful talking. "I'm gonna have..."
And then I let out a sob as a strange sensation overcome me, a feeling I cannot describe.
"Billie, tell mum I'm sorry." I cried out suddenly, looking up at the sky for a moment as if praying.
He nodded, his lip trembling and his nostrils flaring as he cried. It was like he knew I was going to die, but he just didn't want to believe it.
"And remember I'll always be with you yeah? I always love you no matter what and I'm just sorry I can't spend the rest of my life with you."
"Stef, please..." he sobbed, as if telling me to stop as he dipped his head.
"I love you with all my heart and I would have loved to have spent the rest my life with you."
He quivered as he cupped the side of my face with his hand and lent the side of my head onto it.
"I would of loved to have had our family..."
And then my eyes seemed to loll back as they closed and I rested my head against his hand - I suddenly lost my pulse.
"Stef...?" He asked wearily, suddenly panicking, as his eyes grew wide with fear. "Stef!" He screamed hoarsely when I didn't respond.
Tapping the side of my face lightly with his hand I just moved a little, only for my head to roll to the side and lean against his chest.
"Don't do this to me!" He yelled, becoming hysterical and shaking me. "Stef! Stef!"
But I wouldn't stir. There was no one left inside my body.
"You've got... Your whole life ahead of you." He sobbed, whispering. "You can't die. You're gonna grow up, have kids, fall in love... And someone's going to love you back, I promise you. He may not be perfect, but I know for a fact that he'll keep you safe and look after you. Regardless of what's happened in the past. He means this. And he'll cherish you forever, because he'll... He'll know... " He let out another snob as he sniffed again. "He'll know that he's found something special. Something that he'll never find again... "
He paused, as he bit his trembling lip, salty tears resting upon them as his eyeliner smudged down his cheeks.
"And he... He wants you to know... That... That... That he'll always love you, and he always has done. He's just been so scared. So scared because he has never felt like this before, and he... Never knew... I never knew how to tell you how I felt, and believe me... I've...I've been so scared Stef. So scared. And I'm so scared now, of what's going to happen to you, us... "
"Stef!" He screamed, shaking me violently.
But to me it felt so soothing, as if I was floating - like I had no bones in my body and I was a piece of rubber.
Lifeless.
"Shit," he cursed, his eyes filled with terror and his heart in his throat. "Fuck no! Stef, wake up for me! Babe, please...? Stef, come on now. I know - I know you can do it. You've survived before, you can do it again yeah? Stef answer me!"
Tre shook suddenly at Billie's screams, his eyes widening at the inevitable.
"Ok, um..." Billie Joe tried to think, panicking still as he shook me. "Ok, do you remember the time when you came home drunk Stef? And I wouldn't sleep with you? Well, I was wrong. I want to sleep with you right now. I want you so badly babe. We'll go home, and...and we'll sleep like there's no tomorrow yeah? I'll...I'll give you the...best fuck you've ever had yeah? ...Come on, wake up!!!" He desperately cried, trying to think of a situation in which I would respond to.
"Oh! I came backs to sees you... shexy Billie Joes Armstrongs! I was worried abouts you."
"Ok." He grumbled, now looking worriedly down onto me. "I think you should go to bed now."
"Bed?! "What?! It's too early to go to bed my shexy Billie Joe."
"Stef, you're drunk for fuck's sake! You need to sleep."
"Come to bed with me with Billie Joe." I slurred to him, moving in towards him.
"What?"
"Come on. Come to bed with me Billie Joe."
"No Stef. You are drunk and you're just saying this."
"Stef, come on please," he whimpered sadly. "Please don't die...please don't...you've got to wake up...please...I'm going to tell Adrienne...and then we can be together...we can be together Stef babes. Because, ...because that's how it's supposed to be...us - together."
Kissing my hand softly that was covered in blood; he shook from crying hysterically, his eyes so sore.
"Please..." he started to beg, his voice falling to a whisper. "Please come back...don't leave me...don't leave me on my own...I wont - I can't...I need you..."
His cries grew fainter and fainter to my ears as they popped, all sound disappearing.
With my eyes now closed, I felt everything disappear around me. All I could see was a white light. And suddenly, everything seemed so at ease. I felt so light and weightless. I let everything go, and it felt like I was floating. And as I slipped away from the world, in my mind, there was Billie in front of me. He held me close and it had never felt so good. He was holding me close against him and he leaned forward and kissed me so softly on the lips, I seemed to melt against him. Wrapping my arms around him, I drew my hand down the bottom of his face, snuggling up to him and staying like that forever. Caressing me, he kissed me again, and I smiled. Smiled because this is where I wanted to be for the rest of my life - in Billie Joe's loving arms, my heart with his.
"Stef!" Billie Joe screeched at the top of his voice, unknown to me. "Wake up!"
Mike stood a little further back, tears falling down his face too as he watched Billie wail and sob uncontrollably over my dead body.
"No, no, no, no, no...." he sniffled, dipping his head as he found it so hard to understand and believe. "You can't be de-...you can't be gone."
He couldn't bring himself to even admit I was dead.
"I fucking love you..." he continued, telling me and looking at my pale resting face - my eyes closed and nothing beating inside of me. "I love you Stef. I love you, I...I ...love...you..."
"All I want... is for somebody... to love me."
"I... I... " Billie Joe stammered. "I... love, I... love you."
"Why...just tell me...why..." he blubbered, now a total wreck and pulling me against his body, wrapping his arms around me and looking up at the sky for an answer. He licked his lip, tasting salty tears as he thought about it for a while, his eyes narrowing.
And in a moment of anger, he suddenly cried out.
"You...stupid bitch." He cried, tears streaming down his face. "You stupid bitch!"
In a call of desperation he shook me, and thumped me in the chest, as if I would wake up when he did so. But I didn't.
He looked at me, sobbing uncontrollably and shaking madly from it - my blood smearing all across him. Clenching his teeth together again he yelled out, loosing it and hitting me again to wake me up.
"You stupid, stupid bitch!" He screamed in between sobs. "Wake up! I said wake up!"
Mike slowly approached Billie Joe's side, choking back his own tears and putting his hands out and resting them against his shoulders. "Billie..." he murmured as he cried.
"Stupid bitch!!" Billie continued to yell when I didn't stir. He looked down at me, the tears never stopping and his sobs racketing against his chest.
Tre winced as he saw my lifeless body shudder as Billie thumped me again and again, desperately trying to get me to wake up. He didn't even care if I suddenly jumped up and slapped him in the face. All he wanted was for me to wake up, open my eyes, talk to him - just anything.
"Billie, don't..." Mike sobbed, trying to get Billie Joe to stop hitting my dead body.
And then the guitarist broke down, crying and crying as he nuzzled his face into my lifeless body. "You stupid bitch..."
He let out a loud cry, shaking against me as he cradled me and closed his eyes. He didn't stop crying, he just lay there in the rubble with me wrapped in his arms. His sobs took away his breath, and disturbed Mike who was standing just above us, silently crying too.
"Why you...?" Billie Joe cried into me, dampening my T-Shirt with his tears. "Why, out of everyone you?"
Forever he cradled me close to him, never wanting to let go. His world had crashed down upon him, and all he wanted to do was hold me. Because that's all that he could do now - hold me.
"It's not fair." He groaned whilst crying. "It's not fair..."
Then he couldn't speak anymore, all he could do was make a loud disturbing noise - half screaming, half crying.
And Tre just stood back, watching Billie cradle me as I died in his arms. Swallowing back he choked on his own tears, his eyes stinging and fixated upon me.
It was like he had just seen the grim-reaper himself. And the guilt was so overwhelming that he couldn't handle it. He couldn't actually believe what had just happened. All he could do was return to the memory of me pushing him out of the way. And it tormented him like nothing else could.
He had just killed me.
"I wanted to cry so much. All I kept thinking about was how sorry I was and how much I had fucked up and wasted time Stef... " Billie Joe sobbed, the torment of the terror attack still haunting him.
"I love you Stef..." Billie Joe whispered, taking a deep intake of air afterwards, sniffling and burying himself into me more. "I ...love you. I promised I would take care of you. I promised I would keep you safe, and love you with all my heart. And I broke it...your gone...and I can't do anything...I broke my promise Stef...And...I'm so sorry...I'm sorry..." He cried out.
Whatever you say, whatever you do,
There will be good times waiting for you.
Whatever you hear,
I wont disappear, I promise you that.
I promise you that.
He didn't hear the medics arrive. He didn't realize that they were crowded around him as he cradled me. He didn't even acknowledge Mike telling him that I was dead. He didn't even remember me being taken away from him. He just laid there, tears streaming down his face and never ceasing to fall as he stared at the ground. He couldn't even remember how he had stood and watched me go, Mike taking him slowly away from me as he staggered in a trance like a zombie.
All he knew was that I was dead. Gone. Taken away from him so suddenly that it killed him inside. And he would never be able to see me again.
To hold, kiss, touch, speak to, laugh with.
Love.
"I was going to propose to her." He whispered sadly to Mike, the tears still streaming down his face as he sat on the sidewalk, his arms wrapped around his knees that were tucked under his chin as he stared at the ground and rocked backwards and forwards. He broke down into another verge of tears, babbling as he did - still covered in my blood. "She was going to be my wife..."
The last person I ever held was Billie Joe. The last person I had talked to was Billie Joe. The last person I had cried with was Billie Joe. The last and first person I had even kissed and slept with, was Billie Joe.
The only person I had ever loved - Billie Joe.
And I never got to tell him that I was pregnant with his child.
And I left him. Left him for good, never to be with him again.
My unknown fiancé, Billie Joe Armstrong.
And in the streets, the children screamed. The lovers cried, and the poets dreamed. But not a word was spoken. The church bells all were broken.
And the three men I admire the most, the father, son and Holy Ghost, they caught the last train for the coast, the day, the music died.
A Note Don't Come Easy.
THE END.
There he was, standing there at the door to my suite, as if this was normal. And I'll tell you something, this wasn't normal.
Smirking a little at the thought of the day when I first met them, Billie Joe led me towards a restaurant.
Stopping, he took my hands in his and looked into my eyes.
"Now lets go and enjoy ourselves yeah?" He said, smiling sweetly at me.
I nodded. "Ok." I leant up and kissed him on the lips before he opened up the door for us to walk through.
Entering the restaurant, I saw Tre and Mike already sitting down next to each other. Tre's head looked up at the sight of us walking towards us and he waved - causing Mike to turn around and smile at us.
"Billie, what took you so long?" Tre asked him mockingly, watching as we sat down opposite him and Mike.
"We just took our time getting down here. Didn't want Stef to be sick again."
"Yeah, Billie told us you weren't well." Mike said, sitting opposite me. "You feeling any better?"
"Yeah. I am thanks." I told him, trying to block the fact that I was pregnant out of my head. "You doing ok?"
"Yeah, actually. You know, it's that time of the year where the weathers starting to get good, and when things aren't too hectic. It's just right."
"Yeah, I know what you mean." I replied, agreeing with him.
"Speaking of 'times of the year'," I added. "Did ya' know it's been about a year since my first audition?"
Tre looked at me, before a smile spread across his face. "Yeah. Jesus fuck, it's been a year."
"Kid. You're in."
"Thank you so much! You don't know how much this means to me!" I squealed in delight.
"I think we have a fair idea." Billie Joe told me, sitting behind the judges table, smiling.
"Yeah. It's been a year since we all met." I couldn't help but smile at the fact as I looked around at them all. I turned to Billie Joe. "It's been a year since you started giving me guitar lessons to help me."
He smiled sweetly of a happy memory.
"Kid, if you want help with practicing, I'm always willing."
"Yeah, it's a year since we had to do that damn thing." Tre added, smirking. "I liked it at first, but then it just got boring. Like 'shut up. You suck, ok?' "
I smiled from the corner of my mouth. "Sorry I was one of those kids."
"No, but you were what made it worthwhile." Billie added, smiling knowingly down at me. "Just seeing you through made it worth sitting there for hours on end."
"Thanks." I replied quietly, a little embarrassed
"Shame you didn't win though." Mike sighed. "It would have been good."
"Instead we all had fucking Jimmy boy to put up with." Tre added, rolling his eyes a little angry.
"God, I hate that fucking boy." I groaned thinking of him. "I really, really hate him. Bastard he was. If I ever bump into him again, I'm going to throttle him."
I thought back to my last audition when I had first met him. It was as clear as anything. Like it had happened yesterday.
"Yes you are. I know that you're hiding something. I know that you're staying with Green Day." Jimmy yelled at me.
"What are you talking about?" I answered back, trying to hide my secret.
"Don't lie. I know you do. I've seen it in the way that you look at them, especially Billie Joe."
"That boy knew too much for my liking." I added, curling my lip at the thought of him before turning to look up at Billie Joe. "You know that he knew about us way before we bumped into him at the parking lot?"
Billie Joe frowned.
"How come?"
"Probably spying on us. He kept telling me that he knew that I was with you and that everybody else knew it too."
"Oh and look. She's brought lover boy with her."
"Fuck off Jimmy." I growled back.
"I knew something was going on between you two..."
"Well," Mike butted it. "The fact that his mum was one of the judges probably didn't do any justice to you either."
"I thought all the life had been sucked out of me that day." I told them, frowning at the side of my mouth and staring at the table.
"You mean the day when they were at the parking lot?" Mike asked, causing me to look up at him.
"Yeah."
Holy shit... Toni was, Jimmy's... mum?!
I suddenly let go of Billie Joe's hand without thinking, and raced towards them like a bull seeing red. Something inside me was forcing me to do this.
A waiter came over to our table, greeting us and taking drink orders from Tre.
"And she'll have a Tia Maria and Coke." Tre added, pointing in my direction.
"Er, no thanks. I'll just take a glass of water please." I corrected, looking up at the waiter.
Billie Joe looked down at me. "Are you ok?" He asked, concerned.
"Yeah." I replied. "Just wanna, you know, take precautions."
"Yeah, sure." He smiled back at me.
I smiled weakly back at him, but the obvious was on my mind. I had to tell him soon, but I couldn't when the other two were around. I had to get him on his own, and like the many times before, it was difficult to do exactly that. And it was mentally stressing me out. It reminded me of the times when it had taken us so long to find time on our own to talk. It was like that feeling all over again and I hadn't felt it for so long.
"This is why I wanted you to come to the Grammies. Not just because there was a spare place, but because I wanted you to come with me, for the fact that I like you." Billie Joe told me, cupping my hands in his.
Our drinks arrived and drawing the glass close to my lips I took a sip of water.
Looking down I sighed, closing my eyes for a few seconds. I was so tired.
"You ok?" Billie Joe asked me, rubbing the small of my back soothingly with his palm.
I nodded. "Yeah."
"Hey Stef," Tre called, causing me to look up at him. "Watch this."
Picking up the lemon from his drink, Tre squeezed the juice out of it before screwing the remains of it up into a ball. Looking around mischievously, he made sure that no one was looking before chucking it up into the air at such a force that it stuck to the ceiling above us.
Billie Joe, Mike and I all burst out laughing, looking about cautiously to see that no one had been looking. Tre giggled, sneaking a look above to see the lemon stuck above him.
"I'm just keeping her company which is more than you can say you arsewipe."
Billie Joe turned to face his friend face on, scowling at him, his eyes widening in the process.
"I tried Tre! I fucking tried! What else am I supposed to do?" He screamed.
Soon enough, our meals were being served to us, either a light snack or a full-blown meal. But I still didn't feel like eating even though Billie Joe had ordered me a bowl of pasta - one of my favorite foods.
Tre grabbed hold of the pepper, turning it whilst trying to take a sip of his drink at the same time, causing the pepper to unscrew and spill everywhere. All over his dinner, the table, himself and Mike.
"Oh Tre, now look what you've done!" Mike groaned throwing his arms up in the air, rolling his eyes and turning to help him.
"I didn't mean it!" He defended himself.
"Come here..." Mike tutted, brushing off the pepper and onto the floor.
It was like watching a father tend to his son.
Billie Joe smirked as I watched, trying not to let a gasp of laughter escape me.
And comically, as if we could read each other's minds, both Billie Joe and I took the chance to face each other while the other two were occupied.
"There's something I need to tell you." I told Billie.
"I want to tell you something." Billie Joe said at the same time.
We looked at each other for a second before he smiled.
"Well, erm..." he mumbled awkwardly. "You first."
"No, Billie. You go first." I offered.
"Ok, well." He started, taking a deep breath of air before picking at his dinner with his fork. "I'm definitely going to tell Addi. About us. And...I'm going to pack my stuff while I'm there too. I know she'll kick me out, so..."
"Look, Billie, we don't have to even go that fast. We can take it slowly if you-"
"No." he interrupted. "I've...I've made my decision."
He turned to smile at me. "I'm going to tell her and leave."
There was an awkward silence between us, Tre sneezing during it from the amount of pepper that was being sprayed about, passing it onto Mike who then went into a fit of sneezes himself.
I turned to look at him with affection.
"I'm proud of you Billie Joe."
He paused before smiling, placing his hand on top of mine. "Yeah."
Then quickly, like I couldn't hold it in anymore, I turned back to him.
"Billie, I - "
He looked at me eagerly, listening to what I was about to tell him.
"Billie, there's something I need to tell you. I - "
Suddenly, there was a crash, a crash that was somewhere crossed with a bang - a crash so deafening that it made our ears pop. The ground shook and things clattered off of tables and everyone hang on suddenly. It was like an earthquake. I clung onto Billie Joe, Tre and Mike holding onto the table suddenly at the movement around them. People started screaming around us as all the lights went out for a few seconds before coming back on.
Holding me in an embrace, Billie Joe's eyes darted about the restaurant as he held onto me, protecting me like I was the only thing that mattered.
When everything fell still again, Mike looked out of the door and then back at Billie and I.
"Are you ok?" Billie Joe asked, keeping me close to him.
I gulped. "Yeah."
"What the fuck was that?" Mike asked, looking about preciosity.
Tre swallowed back a lump in his throat, only just letting go of the table.
"I don't know..." Billie Joe stuttered as I still clung onto him.
"Sounded like an explosion or something." Tre added, looking around at us all with terrified eyes.
And like we were waiting for it to happen, sounds of screams and cries seeped through the windows from outside. I quirked an eyebrow, my eyes wide as I listened to the haunting cries. They were so disturbing it made me want to be sick. I felt Billie Joe gulp against me, Mike and Tre turning to the sounds to see where they were coming from to see people running past the restaurant in all directions. Some people in the restaurant had started screaming too, and were running out of the building, either crying or looking back to see what was happening.
I edged further into Billie as I swallowed back a lump like Tre had just done, suddenly scared, my heart beating madly inside of me.
"Billie..." I whimpered, as if to tell him I was scared.
"It's alright babe." He shakily told me, pulling my head to his chest and keeping me safe as I wrapped my arms around him.
And then a mass of gray appeared just outside of the restaurant along with another shrieking bang, thick smoke flying through the air suddenly with bits of debris that shattered the glass windows - causing it to fly everywhere, a loud deafening sound following after.
Mike and Tre shielded themselves with their arms whilst ducking under the table, as I clenched my eyes shut and gripped onto Billie Joe for dear life as he too clamped his eyes shut, sliding down the chair and taking me with him.
Our ears were ringing and when I finally opened my eyes, I looked up to see Mike peering up from the table, one side of his face shattered with bits of glass. I wanted to scream.
I looked at him horrified, before turning to see Tre with a cut across his forehead. Billie Joe coughed as he sat up, as we were in a slumped position on the chair - half on the floor, half not.
I looked around the restaurant and saw the other customers that had remained in the restaurant with various wounds, looking around dazed. A few were even scattered about the place, unconscious or even probably dead. A fire had started out from the amount of fuels building up in the air, and various parts of furniture were caught alight. Everything that had been on the table was now shattered on the floor.
Billie Joe blinked as he looked down on me, and his eyes seemed to widen at the sight of my face - like something was wrong.
"Billie, what's wrong?" I asked him wearily, almost crying.
He went to answer but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He was so shocked it was like he was paralyzed.
And then we felt the ground start to shake underneath us again, causing me to cling on to Billie once more as Tre looked him straight in the eye with terror.
"Let's get out of here!" He yelled, suddenly standing up with Mike and abandoning the table.
Following, Billie Joe stood me to my feet, took my hand and ran with Tre and Mike from out of around the destroyed table
As the earth underneath us shook violently with the building, we headed for the door that had no glass in now. It was barely hanging on by the hinges.
"Let's move!" Billie Joe yelled as we ran towards the door, making sure I was with him still.
We all put our arms out to shield ourselves from the fire burning around us slowly.
"Shit!" I heard Tre scream somewhere in front of me.
And as we headed outside we were suddenly lost in a cloud of never ending smoke, choking us and sending debris into our eyes. Coughing out loud, Mike and Tre bent over as they headed into the smoke, desperately trying to find a way out. I started to cough too, covering my nose and mouth and winching through the smoke.
"Fuck!" Tre yelled coughing.
"Aw shit..." Mike joined in, staggering.
Looking around desperately, Billie Joe silently led me off down the smoke like blizzard boulevard, crashing into a car on the way that went unseen - causing him to double up in pain for a minute before he shook it off and carried on.
Finally we stepped out of the thick cloud of smoke and debris that was taking over the city and took in deep breaths of fresh air. I opened my eyes and they stung like hell, my breath caught up in my throat as I turned to Billie. We were bothered covered in a layer of thick brown muck, mixed with debris, blood and something else that I couldn't figure out.
I turned around and looked up, the cloud of smoke filling up the bright blue sky and growing taller and taller.
And then as I gained my breath back, I realized that there were people. People around me screaming, covered in blood and running about. Some were on the floor; others were running for their lives.
And then it occurred to me that we were caught right in the middle of a sickly terror attack.
I stared at everyone and everything, finding it so sickening and horrific that I wanted to scream and cry just like the rest of them.
Billie Joe held me close. "Are you alright?" He asked me, trying to regain his breath.
I looked into his eyes, not knowing how to react as my bottom lip trembled for a second. And just by looking into my eyes he could see the terror, and we knew that we were both scared.
He looked up as he saw Mike appear, covered in debris too and a thick layer of smoke. He was completely covered. Coughing, the battered bassist headed towards us, fluttering his eyelids as he stepped into daylight and clean air, dodging through screaming people as he did. He suddenly gasped for air, taking his hands away from his mouth as he did.
Billie Joe caught Mike in his arms as he slumped back, putting him back on his feet and slapping his cheek to get him to keep awake.
"Mike? Mike!"
The younger man opened his eyes again and looked at his best friend, putting his hand to his temple to rub before standing up fully again.
As Billie made sure Mike was still able to walk, I turned around and looked up behind me. And the sight of the burning city hit me hard.
I stared at it, my mouth open slightly agape, my eyes wide and full of terror. It was just...horrible.
It was a nightmare. It was hell on earth.
I felt my bottom lip tremble in fear as I tried to take it all in, looking on the ground to see a woman in particular crying over a body in the corner. As I watched in torment, it made me grab hold of Billie Joe in my sub-conscience. It was like an instant reaction to do so. I clung onto his jacket so tightly I could feel my knuckles through the material.
Various vehicles and parts of buildings were on fire around us, flames engulfing the city too along with the thick cloud of smoke that was following.
I turned back to Billie, pressing myself against him and clinging on. And that feeling that I had felt just before when we had entered the restaurant was back again, and it tugged on my heart so much that it scared the living piss out of me.
But the feeling I had buried deeply inside of me wouldn't go away. I was scared, like something bad was going to happen and all I wanted was for Billie Joe to protect me. But no matter how hard I tried, it wouldn't go away.
Now all 4 of us were out of the mass of smoke, Billie Joe turned me to face him and looked into my eyes pleadingly.
"Now you promise to stick with me and never leave my side?!"
I nodded, still hanging onto him tight, and then as to my surprise he kissed me quickly. Taking my hand tightly, he headed off down the boulevard with Mike in front, and Tre behind us. Sirens had started to sound now, screeching and so deafening that it made the whole thing more horrific.
But there were so many people darting about that it was hard to keep hold of Billie's hand. As we ran down the boulevard and out into a never-ending heap of destruction, I got parted from Billie in the panic. Yelping, I quickly ran after him and managed to keep near him. I turned around and stopped suddenly. Tre wasn't there.
My heart in my throat, I stood in the middle of the panicking crowds, my eyes darting around to look for him. Billie Joe and Mike hadn't realized that I had stopped and carried on. I looked back to see the backs of their heads in the crowd, and then back down the way we had just came. And then I spotted him standing there, in the middle, dazed and confused - panicking when he couldn't find us.
"Tre!" I yelled out after hesitating at the though of whether or not to run and help him.
I decided to shout for him instead. I didn't want to completely lose sight of either Billie or Mike.
But the drummer never heard me. He was trapped in a whirling mass of destruction and terror, not knowing where to go or what to do, looking about confusedly at the other people.
Seeing Tre standing there made me shudder. It made me disturbed. Looking up I saw the scaffolding situated in front of a building behind him start to topple.
"Tre!" I screamed at the top of my voice. "Tre! Get out of the way!"
I stood there, in the middle of the crowd, yelling at the top of my lungs for him to move.
"Move out of the way Tre!!!"
But he just looked around, slightly dumbfound and terrified by the whole thing.
And I was terrified for him.
Billie Joe and Mike had gone ahead, leaving me standing there and crying out hysterically at the drummer - my best friend.
"Tre! Move! Tre!" I screamed, panicking.
I saw the scaffolding start to tumble and then, like an instant reaction, shot forward and lunged at Tre. Everything moved so quickly around me as I neared him in a sprint. Shoving him out of the way I winded him, causing him to fall back and crash to the ground.
"I can't hold it for any longer!" Tre gasped, holding his breath. "See you in jail Stef."
"Tre no!" I screamed through my gritted teeth.
He couldn't blow our cover. If he sneezed, then the cops would find us and then that would be it.
I sharply turned my head to the door, where Billie Joe was showing the officer out. I turned back to Tre, who was red in the face from holding his breath, and looked as if he would burst any second now.
"Shut the door! Shut the door!" I chanted to myself, watching Billie Joe say a last few words.
"Ah," Tre began, tilting his head back.
"Tre!" I grunted, panic stricken.
"Ah!" Tre snorted again, inhaling fresh air into his lungs.
His eyes seemed to roll back as his head tilted again, resting against the wall. His nostrils flared again, and his face stretched back.
"No!" I screamed, lunging on top of Tre, covering his mouth and nose, shooting us across the floor.
We tumbled across the floor, from underneath the table, making us crash amongst the various brooms and mops in the cupboard opposite. Billie Joe closed the door behind him as Tre sprayed everywhere, sneezing. I cringed, looking away in the other direction. Tre looked at me shocked and confused to as why I had jumped on him like I had.
I saw a white light flash suddenly and something fall on top of me. I didn't feel myself fall. I only gained any type of sense again a few seconds later, looking up at the sky and everything happening around me. Groaning, I tried to look to the side, but I hurt too much.
And then I heard Billie Joe's shrilling cries.
"Stef!" He screamed, hearing his footsteps heading towards me. "Stef!"
His horrific cries scared me, and they were terrifically disturbing.
Like a mad man, he grabbed hold of the pieces of rubble that were on top of me and threw them behind him, digging and making his fingers bleed. Cursing under his breath and his heart in his mouth, he saw a pool of blood around my head and by my legs. Clearing me of the collapsed scaffolding, he leaned down to my side and crouched beside me, taking my hand. His eyes were wide and filled with terror as he looked down on me. He gulped. Only once had I seen him like this before.
"Oh shit... Stef... what the fuck have I done?"
He knelt down beside me, looking over me and taking my wrists in his. Horrified, he suddenly opened his palms to see what the sticky mess was that was dampening his skin. I don't think he realized how far I had taken things. He suddenly dropped my wrists, which fell to my side as I stared numb up at him, empty and cold inside. He stared at his palms that were now stained with my own blood, tears forming in his very own eyes and becoming hysterical.
"Stef..." he whispered ghostly to me, stroking my hair, my hand in his other.
"Billie..." I grumbled, crumpled on the floor in the middle of the disaster.
And oddly, it seemed like everything had stopped moving around us, and that it was just Billie Joe and I here in silence.
Swallowing back a lump he stared at me terrified - too stunned and shocked to even cry just yet.
"Billie...I...Tre was - I had to..." I tried to speak, straining in the process.
"Shhhh." He cooed, stroking my hand with both of his now. "It's ok. Don't try to talk ok? It's all going...to be...ok. We'll get some help." He tried to assure me, trying to hold back his tears as the reality started to slowly sink in.
He quickly glimpsed down to my leg to see it seeping blood through my jeans.
"What...what happened?" I managed to ask, looking up at him, dazed.
Everything was a blur around me. My head was throbbing so madly.
"You...you got knocked on the head with something." He lied, looking into my eyes.
He smiled bleakly.
"Everything's going to be ok. The medics will be here soon, and they'll take you away and make sure you get better. Just like they did before, yeah?"
"It'll be ok soon." He told me, clasping hold of my hand again. "Shhh. Don't make yourself worse. It'll be ok, the doctors will take care of you. And they won't judge you for cutting yourself. Nobody will. They'll understand. They won't pull faces or say that you were stupid or anything. And then you'll get better, and I'll take care of you forever. Even if it costs me my own life, I won't let you suffer again. Not now, not ever."
He wiped away another tear, eyeliner now fully smudged down his cheeks and the sides of his face.
"Billie...Tre...is he..." I whispered, straining still.
"Tre's fine." He hushed me, not even bothering to look at the drummer. "He's ok, but we've got to concentrate on getting you better." He told me, biting his lip.
Tre lay there, dumbfounded and in absolute shock of what had just happened. He just sat there, from where I had thrown him. He looked at me - a crumpled heap on the floor and Billie Joe crouched by my side and holding onto me so tightly. And he too felt like everything had stopped moving around him. It was like he was only focusing on Billie Joe and I. He swallowed back hard, and to him it had felt like he was already dead - because of what had happened. I had thrown myself at him to save his life, and now mine was hanging in the wings. He just stared - because that's all he could do.
"Tre, if you've got something to tell me, please say it." I groaned, slumped against the wall in the darkened alley. My head was throbbing from the amount of drink I had been drinking.
"Well, let's just say I like you, a bit... more... than... a... friend." He stuttered.
"Everything's going to be ok soon." Billie Joe started again, rubbing my hands. "I'm going to tell Adrienne, then we can have a place of our own, and it'll be just us like I promised. Because I love you Stef. I love you so damn much it hurts. It hurts babe. And, you just have to be ok...because...because I can't live without you."
He put his hand behind my head to support it, put pulled away to see my blood all over his hand. He quickly hid it from me, an overpowering feeling sweeping through him.
He looked into my eyes and a tear slowly crept from the corner of his eye and down his cheek, and then I knew that things weren't right. I knew that things were bad - and I could see it in his eyes. And it scared me.
I wanted to know what was happening with me. I was starting to get pins and needles, and my head was throbbing like mad.
And then looking down my body I saw something stuck inside of my right leg - a pole or something.
I gulped, putting my head back down and trying to take the pain.
Still people ran around us, screaming and crying - sirens becoming louder and louder by the minute. I just wanted him to take me in his arms, hold me tight. I wanted him to protect me and love me. I was crying inside for him to do that right now.
"Shhhhh." He put his finger to my lips. "No more words."
"But I - "
"No more buts. Never no more buts." He moved closer towards me as I looked into his eyes, watching his own as in his mind they undressed me. "No more words. No more sorrys. No more pain. No more... "
He stepped forward against me, his legs intertwined with mine as we stood there together. I brushed my lips against his, reacting him to kiss me once again. I felt his tongue, making me tingle all over.
"You know, ever since I've met you, I've never wanted anyone else. Not even Adrienne. No one. Because what we have is so strong, nothing can break it."
"You've never wanted anyone else?" I asked, looking up at him slightly dazed now.
"No one." He assured, shaking his head. "Just you Stef. Just you."
"I mean, Rachael... "
He kept quiet at the name, preparing to explain himself as I tensed up my arm that was hidden under a sheet so it wouldn't look obvious to him.
"Rachael... " he gulped a little again. "I never wanted to be with her. Not even that night Stef. I wanted you, that's why I had become so upset because it was like - like it was wrong for me to love you because it wasn't what you wanted. I told her that I had upset you, and she told me that it would all be ok and that she was always there to talk. And I believed her - I fucking believed her. She said she could help, and I was desperate Stef. So desperate to be with you - I just didn't know what to do."
It had seemed like an eternity had passed.
"Billie..." I whimpered, crying. "Hold me..."
Looking down on me he tried to hold back his tears. But he did exactly that. Scooting closer, he took my upper body and pulled me onto his lap, holding me close to him and nuzzling his head into the crook of my neck as I tried to desperately hold on to him with the strength I had left. The pain was excruciating now, and a line of sweat had formed on my forehead.
"I love you Billie Joe..." I sobbed, closing my eyes and feeling his warmth.
"I love you too Stef. I love you...so...much..." I heard him sniffle, another tear falling down his other cheek.
"I knew you two were a fucked up pair when I saw you together in the parking lot holding hands. You were vulnerable and stupid while he was a killer and a man whore." Jimmy told me.
"Remember to always remember me, yeah?" I sobbed again after another long pause of silence, feeling all the colour drain out of me. "Always remember me and what we had. Because it was the best thing that has ever happened to me."
"Don't say that." He told me, pressing his face close to mine. "Don't say your goodbye's yet."
"I never asked for it to be like this."
"Neither did I." He sighed. "But only I can put things right."
"If you want me, you'll come find me." I told him, holding the door handle still. "Until I see you again, if I see you again," I sighed sadly. "All I have to say is one thing. And that's follow your heart. Listen to it. Let it lead you the right way, even if it seems wrong. Because your heart knows what's right."
He cocked his head to one side as he listened. I tried to hold back my tears as I carried on.
"I've loved you more than anything this past year and I'll never stop loving you Billie Joe. You're my first love and I don't think I can ever love any one again like I did you. But I just want to say thank you for everything that you've done for me...and that...I'll always be thinking of you. You'll always be a part of me and I'm sad that you belong to another - but I know you're happy that way. And all...all I want...is for you to be...happy. I love you Billie Joe, and I hoped you loved me once too. But life had you cut out to be with someone else. It's been fun, and I've had...the best time of my life...but...you belong here. And...I don't deserve you. And whatever decision you make, I'll back you all the way. Because I can never let go of you, and I'll forever be holding onto what we had."
"Billie...last night...I want it to be last night, I want to be there. I wanna be back there, in the warm and holding you." I whimpered.
His bottom lip trembled as he tried to talk. "Me too. Me too."
"When you said you would love me forever, you meant that right?"
He nodded, a tear rolling down his cheek again. "Every word."
"No matter what happens, you'll still love me?"
Again he nodded because he was finding it so hard to speak.
I coughed, slowly feeling myself slip away as I thought back to last night, and how I longed to turn back time and be there right now.
Billie Joe stroked my arm softly as we lay next to each other in bed.
"Billie," I started, turning to him in thought.
"Hmmm?"
"You know you said about kids?" I pondered, licking my lip.
"Yeah?"
"If we had any, what would you call them?"
He looked at me deeply, studying my profile before answering. "I don't know. We'd have to think about it."
"What about Vicki for a girls name?" I asked as he shuffled nearer so he could face me
"Well, I wasn't expecting it to be a boy's name." He mocked, smirking.
I swatted him playfully. "Ok you dork."
"Ha." He laughed. "Dork. That's such a corny word."
I smiled. "Well, you are."
"Ok then. So what do you think of Bodrick for a boy? It'll fit its father's dorkish ways."
"Bodrick?!" I almost spat out. "I'd feel sorry for him. Bodrick Armstrong. Ha, you're right. It'll be Dork and Dork Jnr."
"You'll be surrounded by dorks for the rest of your life." Billie Joe told me, somewhat triumphantly.
"Great. My feminicity is doomed by the likes of your testosterone." I said sarcastically rolling my eyes.
He laughed at me, drawing me closer to him under the duvet before kissing me softly.
"Aw, you'll love it really."
I yelled out in pain as something twitched in my leg. My head felt so drowsy. I started to cry continuously now, feeling so cold and helpless. I was so scared.
Scared because I didn't know what to expect. It was like waiting for the unknown. I knew what was going to happen, but I didn't know how it would, or how it would make me feel. And that's what scared me.
Squeezing Billie Joe's hand he tried to keep strong for me, but that didn't stop him from crying himself.
And as if he could feel my pain, he tried to soothe it by singing softly to me.
"You hear me, so clearly and see how I try. You feel me, so heal me. And tear me apart."
I smiled at him weakly, as he sang Wet Wet Wet's 'Goodnight Girl' to me. He smiled a small smile back through the tears, before continuing.
"And I wont tell at all, I wont tell at all. And do they have to know, about my goodnight girl."
And then he swallowed back a lump in his throat before he said the next line.
"Caught up in your wishing well, your hope's inside, yeah. Take your love and promises, and make them last..."
He found the last line hard to speak, trying so hard not to suddenly burst out crying.
"Oh God Stef," he whispered so ghostly it haunted me. "Please don't die..."
I closed my eyes, feeling so weak and limb, as if all the energy and life were being washed out of me.
And then I suddenly remembered. I had to him that I was pregnant. I had to tell him. He had to know.
"Billie..." I suddenly cried out, grabbing his attention. "I need to...tell - you something...uh..."
"Shhhhh." He hushed me, trying to calm me.
"Billie Joe, I'm...I'm - I mean...I'm preg-"
"Shhhh." He told me again, stroking my hair. "It's ok. I'm here. Don't try and talk ok? Try and keep still."
"No," I groaned, my head suddenly starting to thump.
By this point I couldn't feel my legs and I was limb all over, and ever so pale.
"Billie, I'm preg- I'm...I'm...huh...urgh...I'm...baby...Billie...I..."
I started to strain, gasping for air suddenly as I panicked. Quickly I placed my hand on top of his, looking into his eyes, terrified. It was like I was having a seizure.
But I still had to tell him.
"Stef, just hold on for a little longer." He told me, horrified by what was happening.
He looked up, but still there was no sign of help. Just people running around and screaming. Turning back to look at me he started to panic too as I swallowed back, my eyes rolling into the back of my head for a few seconds as I closed my eyes.
"Don't close your eyes!" He told me, shaking me a little.
I opened them again, but by now I was so tired, all I wanted to do was let go.
"Don't close your eyes babe. Keep them open for me. If you close your eyes I'll just keep waking you up. I won't let you go."
I blinked at him for a second, before attempting to speak to him again.
"Billie Joe...listen to me," I murmured, finding it painful talking. "I'm gonna have..."
And then I let out a sob as a strange sensation overcome me, a feeling I cannot describe.
"Billie, tell mum I'm sorry." I cried out suddenly, looking up at the sky for a moment as if praying.
He nodded, his lip trembling and his nostrils flaring as he cried. It was like he knew I was going to die, but he just didn't want to believe it.
"And remember I'll always be with you yeah? I always love you no matter what and I'm just sorry I can't spend the rest of my life with you."
"Stef, please..." he sobbed, as if telling me to stop as he dipped his head.
"I love you with all my heart and I would have loved to have spent the rest my life with you."
He quivered as he cupped the side of my face with his hand and lent the side of my head onto it.
"I would of loved to have had our family..."
And then my eyes seemed to loll back as they closed and I rested my head against his hand - I suddenly lost my pulse.
"Stef...?" He asked wearily, suddenly panicking, as his eyes grew wide with fear. "Stef!" He screamed hoarsely when I didn't respond.
Tapping the side of my face lightly with his hand I just moved a little, only for my head to roll to the side and lean against his chest.
"Don't do this to me!" He yelled, becoming hysterical and shaking me. "Stef! Stef!"
But I wouldn't stir. There was no one left inside my body.
"You've got... Your whole life ahead of you." He sobbed, whispering. "You can't die. You're gonna grow up, have kids, fall in love... And someone's going to love you back, I promise you. He may not be perfect, but I know for a fact that he'll keep you safe and look after you. Regardless of what's happened in the past. He means this. And he'll cherish you forever, because he'll... He'll know... " He let out another snob as he sniffed again. "He'll know that he's found something special. Something that he'll never find again... "
He paused, as he bit his trembling lip, salty tears resting upon them as his eyeliner smudged down his cheeks.
"And he... He wants you to know... That... That... That he'll always love you, and he always has done. He's just been so scared. So scared because he has never felt like this before, and he... Never knew... I never knew how to tell you how I felt, and believe me... I've...I've been so scared Stef. So scared. And I'm so scared now, of what's going to happen to you, us... "
"Stef!" He screamed, shaking me violently.
But to me it felt so soothing, as if I was floating - like I had no bones in my body and I was a piece of rubber.
Lifeless.
"Shit," he cursed, his eyes filled with terror and his heart in his throat. "Fuck no! Stef, wake up for me! Babe, please...? Stef, come on now. I know - I know you can do it. You've survived before, you can do it again yeah? Stef answer me!"
Tre shook suddenly at Billie's screams, his eyes widening at the inevitable.
"Ok, um..." Billie Joe tried to think, panicking still as he shook me. "Ok, do you remember the time when you came home drunk Stef? And I wouldn't sleep with you? Well, I was wrong. I want to sleep with you right now. I want you so badly babe. We'll go home, and...and we'll sleep like there's no tomorrow yeah? I'll...I'll give you the...best fuck you've ever had yeah? ...Come on, wake up!!!" He desperately cried, trying to think of a situation in which I would respond to.
"Oh! I came backs to sees you... shexy Billie Joes Armstrongs! I was worried abouts you."
"Ok." He grumbled, now looking worriedly down onto me. "I think you should go to bed now."
"Bed?! "What?! It's too early to go to bed my shexy Billie Joe."
"Stef, you're drunk for fuck's sake! You need to sleep."
"Come to bed with me with Billie Joe." I slurred to him, moving in towards him.
"What?"
"Come on. Come to bed with me Billie Joe."
"No Stef. You are drunk and you're just saying this."
"Stef, come on please," he whimpered sadly. "Please don't die...please don't...you've got to wake up...please...I'm going to tell Adrienne...and then we can be together...we can be together Stef babes. Because, ...because that's how it's supposed to be...us - together."
Kissing my hand softly that was covered in blood; he shook from crying hysterically, his eyes so sore.
"Please..." he started to beg, his voice falling to a whisper. "Please come back...don't leave me...don't leave me on my own...I wont - I can't...I need you..."
His cries grew fainter and fainter to my ears as they popped, all sound disappearing.
With my eyes now closed, I felt everything disappear around me. All I could see was a white light. And suddenly, everything seemed so at ease. I felt so light and weightless. I let everything go, and it felt like I was floating. And as I slipped away from the world, in my mind, there was Billie in front of me. He held me close and it had never felt so good. He was holding me close against him and he leaned forward and kissed me so softly on the lips, I seemed to melt against him. Wrapping my arms around him, I drew my hand down the bottom of his face, snuggling up to him and staying like that forever. Caressing me, he kissed me again, and I smiled. Smiled because this is where I wanted to be for the rest of my life - in Billie Joe's loving arms, my heart with his.
"Stef!" Billie Joe screeched at the top of his voice, unknown to me. "Wake up!"
Mike stood a little further back, tears falling down his face too as he watched Billie wail and sob uncontrollably over my dead body.
"No, no, no, no, no...." he sniffled, dipping his head as he found it so hard to understand and believe. "You can't be de-...you can't be gone."
He couldn't bring himself to even admit I was dead.
"I fucking love you..." he continued, telling me and looking at my pale resting face - my eyes closed and nothing beating inside of me. "I love you Stef. I love you, I...I ...love...you..."
"All I want... is for somebody... to love me."
"I... I... " Billie Joe stammered. "I... love, I... love you."
"Why...just tell me...why..." he blubbered, now a total wreck and pulling me against his body, wrapping his arms around me and looking up at the sky for an answer. He licked his lip, tasting salty tears as he thought about it for a while, his eyes narrowing.
And in a moment of anger, he suddenly cried out.
"You...stupid bitch." He cried, tears streaming down his face. "You stupid bitch!"
In a call of desperation he shook me, and thumped me in the chest, as if I would wake up when he did so. But I didn't.
He looked at me, sobbing uncontrollably and shaking madly from it - my blood smearing all across him. Clenching his teeth together again he yelled out, loosing it and hitting me again to wake me up.
"You stupid, stupid bitch!" He screamed in between sobs. "Wake up! I said wake up!"
Mike slowly approached Billie Joe's side, choking back his own tears and putting his hands out and resting them against his shoulders. "Billie..." he murmured as he cried.
"Stupid bitch!!" Billie continued to yell when I didn't stir. He looked down at me, the tears never stopping and his sobs racketing against his chest.
Tre winced as he saw my lifeless body shudder as Billie thumped me again and again, desperately trying to get me to wake up. He didn't even care if I suddenly jumped up and slapped him in the face. All he wanted was for me to wake up, open my eyes, talk to him - just anything.
"Billie, don't..." Mike sobbed, trying to get Billie Joe to stop hitting my dead body.
And then the guitarist broke down, crying and crying as he nuzzled his face into my lifeless body. "You stupid bitch..."
He let out a loud cry, shaking against me as he cradled me and closed his eyes. He didn't stop crying, he just lay there in the rubble with me wrapped in his arms. His sobs took away his breath, and disturbed Mike who was standing just above us, silently crying too.
"Why you...?" Billie Joe cried into me, dampening my T-Shirt with his tears. "Why, out of everyone you?"
Forever he cradled me close to him, never wanting to let go. His world had crashed down upon him, and all he wanted to do was hold me. Because that's all that he could do now - hold me.
"It's not fair." He groaned whilst crying. "It's not fair..."
Then he couldn't speak anymore, all he could do was make a loud disturbing noise - half screaming, half crying.
And Tre just stood back, watching Billie cradle me as I died in his arms. Swallowing back he choked on his own tears, his eyes stinging and fixated upon me.
It was like he had just seen the grim-reaper himself. And the guilt was so overwhelming that he couldn't handle it. He couldn't actually believe what had just happened. All he could do was return to the memory of me pushing him out of the way. And it tormented him like nothing else could.
He had just killed me.
"I wanted to cry so much. All I kept thinking about was how sorry I was and how much I had fucked up and wasted time Stef... " Billie Joe sobbed, the torment of the terror attack still haunting him.
"I love you Stef..." Billie Joe whispered, taking a deep intake of air afterwards, sniffling and burying himself into me more. "I ...love you. I promised I would take care of you. I promised I would keep you safe, and love you with all my heart. And I broke it...your gone...and I can't do anything...I broke my promise Stef...And...I'm so sorry...I'm sorry..." He cried out.
Whatever you say, whatever you do,
There will be good times waiting for you.
Whatever you hear,
I wont disappear, I promise you that.
I promise you that.
He didn't hear the medics arrive. He didn't realize that they were crowded around him as he cradled me. He didn't even acknowledge Mike telling him that I was dead. He didn't even remember me being taken away from him. He just laid there, tears streaming down his face and never ceasing to fall as he stared at the ground. He couldn't even remember how he had stood and watched me go, Mike taking him slowly away from me as he staggered in a trance like a zombie.
All he knew was that I was dead. Gone. Taken away from him so suddenly that it killed him inside. And he would never be able to see me again.
To hold, kiss, touch, speak to, laugh with.
Love.
"I was going to propose to her." He whispered sadly to Mike, the tears still streaming down his face as he sat on the sidewalk, his arms wrapped around his knees that were tucked under his chin as he stared at the ground and rocked backwards and forwards. He broke down into another verge of tears, babbling as he did - still covered in my blood. "She was going to be my wife..."
The last person I ever held was Billie Joe. The last person I had talked to was Billie Joe. The last person I had cried with was Billie Joe. The last and first person I had even kissed and slept with, was Billie Joe.
The only person I had ever loved - Billie Joe.
And I never got to tell him that I was pregnant with his child.
And I left him. Left him for good, never to be with him again.
My unknown fiancé, Billie Joe Armstrong.
And in the streets, the children screamed. The lovers cried, and the poets dreamed. But not a word was spoken. The church bells all were broken.
And the three men I admire the most, the father, son and Holy Ghost, they caught the last train for the coast, the day, the music died.
A Note Don't Come Easy.
THE END.
