All the Songs Have Been Erased, chapter 12
We walked into the front door after the completely silent car ride, and I grabbed the mail from the mail box and began shifting through it. Tre finally broke the silence as we walked in the back door, "Well, that was awkward."
I let out a small laugh as I put my purse and the keys on the island in the kitchen. "No shit," I said. Tre fluttered his eyelashes at me, "Like a reunion with your paaaast." I shuddered. Tre knew I didn't want anything to do with any of the past that I came from; I wasn't too proud of it. "Shut up," I said. But my attention drew to an envelope labeled 'CHMS Eagles' on the top left. "But speaking of reunions..."
"What? Tre asked. "This is my middle school emblem," I responded. I opened the letter and began to read as Tre looked at me questionably.
"Dear Ms. McKay,
Well, what a long time it has been! Surely you do remember going to middle school 9 years back! Well, we have a surprise for you! On Friday, October 10th, we will be having a Class of 2006 reunion! Doesn't that sound fun! I know that your thinking, Why in dear God would we be having a 9 year instead of a 10 year reunion, and why shouldn't we just wait until high school. Well, we just wanted to mix things up a little bit, so we decided to do it sooner than usual. And plus, by seeing your middle school peers in a more intimate setting, you can remember your life before high school. This reunion will take place from 7 to 11 PM at Hinsdale Golf Club, dinner and dessert will be served. Hope to see you there!"
I scoffed, "Dear Lord, I'm going to shoot myself. This is pathetic. And it's this weekend." Tre laughed, "I think it'd be fun."
"I think not."
"I think you should go."
"Yeah, right."
"You're going."
"No way."
Tre gave me that look, that look that was saying 'but can't you do this for me? '. I shrugged my shoulders, "It's this weekend, Tre."
"Well yeah, I know, but it would be cool. I mean, just fly out there for 2 days, be back on Sunday, and on Monday, yay, surgery!" Tre responded.
"Frank..." I barely ever called Tre Frank, only when he needed to be given a bit of a warning, and today I think he was getting a bit over his head.
"No seriously, I really think you should go. It would be fun to show up to your loser old peers," Tre gave me that sheepish smile. "Ugh, fine, you got me," I responded. Tre did a little victory dance, but I stopped him, "Only on 2 terms. One, I will see if Claudia is going. Two, I will only go if you do too, and that means we need a doctor's okay."
Tre sighed, "Fine, fine. I will go and call the doctor and you can give Claudia a ring." "Actually, I was thinking of just stopping by her house, I haven't seen her in a few weeks anyway," I responded. Claudia has been one of my best friends since 6th grade, and is one of the few things I don't look upon regret with in my past. She lives a few miles south of me with her husband Jordan and their daughter Isabella, who is one.
"Okay," Tre said. "You can take the SUV, I'll just chill at home for the day." "Are you sure?" I said. "Yeah, it's no problem," Tre replied. "Okay," I said, as I started to walk up the stairs. "I'm going to go change into jeans or something, be right back."
I darted upstairs to the bedroom where I took off my turtleneck sweater immediately. It had been hot as hell. I slipped off my boots and black pants, and began to search for some jeans. As I was walking around in my lingerie I heard a knock on the door and then Tre burst in. He basically forced my whole body onto the bed and I started laughing hysterically.
"Tre... No..." I said as I gasped for breath. Tre had his hands around me and he was stradeling over my body. He commented in mockery, "Can't a guy have a little fun for once with the love of his life?" I smiled, "Well if a guy was patient he would soon learn that the love of his life was planning something very fun for tomorrow, but I suppose a guy can't wait." I started to undo my bra.
"No, wait!" Tre covered my chest and looked away. "A guy can wait! A guy can wait!" I rehooked my bra. "I thought so," I said.
I got up and started to rummage through my closet looking for a pair of jeans. I finally found a comfortable pair and slipped them on. I then grabbed a plain white shirt and put and Notre Dame sweatshirt on top of it.
"Have you seen my Converses?" I asked Tre. "Nope," he replied. "Try in the laundry room downstairs. Or Mona could've borrowed them."
"I'm so glad that I'm finally on good terms with her. Do you have any idea how hard it was to keep that from you? I just didn't want you to find out, 'cause, you know, it would like make it hard for you. I mean obviously you would have to choose her, she's your daughter, but I didn't really want you to make that choice."
"Eh, I love you both, you both know that," Tre said. I could tell he was kind of uncomfortable with the subject, "Yeah, well subject over. Gone and passed. One thing we don't ever need to talk about is the past."
Tre looked relieved, but questioned me. "Steph, I know like what has happened in your past, but why do you hate talking about it so much?"
"Well, it's a long story," I responded. "I mean, things weren't always easy for me. Especially in middle school. Before I found out about you guys in 7th grade, I was like freaking out. A lot of stuff was just really difficult for me, not educationally obviously, but mentally. I wasn't mentally stable, and everyone thought I was."
"What do you mean?" Tre asked.
"Are you sure you want to get into this?" I asked him.
"Yeah I do," he said. "But don't you have to go to Claudia's?" "I will, but it's not like she's expecting me or anything. What time is it, 1 o' clock? You know, how about inviting them to dinner, just like a pizza night. Around 6? I could give them a ring and ask if they want to come over, and then I'll come back and tell you all about my troubled past," I said.
"Okay, sure," Tre replied. I grabbed the phone and began to dial Claudia's number. Man, is it going to be a long day... I thought.
***
"Okay," I told Tre. "They can come, I told them around 6." "Cool," Tre replied. "Now... About your past..."
"Where to begin, Where to begin," I said, tapping my chin. "Probably around 6th grade. I had really no friends, probably like 1, but that was okay since I never really realized it. But the thing was, I had no one to talk to. Around mid 6th grade, I began having thoughts of God and afterlife, what it was like, and if I really wanted to "live forever";. Forever was a long time for me, and I got really uncomfortable fathoming the idea.
"Anyway, I would stay up late at night and I would start crying, just because I couldn't stand it anymore. Life wasn't anything for me, because you die anyway. Nothing meant anything. At that point I began to think of suicide.
"Somewhere around that time, I really was on the verge of killing myself. I would injure myself, not by cutting, but more puncturing, or holding things down into my skin. I did that for many years after and expirimented with cutting maybe a year after that.
"A few times I would be holding a bottle of pills and I would be ready to down them, but I thought of all my family and my few friends that I actually meant something to. At that point I would put the pills back on the table." I sighed.
"Steph," Tre said. "Is this too hard to talk about?"
"No, no, it's okay, I'll continue," I said. "So anyway, the summer before 7th grade I actually started to tell people what happened, and I found out I had a lot more people that cared about me than I thought. Not that many, but more than I thought. Through the summer, I started to gain the confidence to make more friends, and by the time I was in 7th grade, I had quite a few.
"But I was still insecure with my surroundings, Tre. I lived in this wealthy materialistic world, and I wasn't comfortable in those settings. I didn't belong there. I belonged in a place where no one cared how much money you had, or what clothes you wore. I needed to get out. It started to take it's toll on me, and I eventually ended up in counseling.
"I was comfortable on the outside, but a mess inside. I needed to be around something new. When I learned about Green Day in mid 7th grade, I took a hold of it. You guys gave me something to take, something I could connect to. And I could never thank you more. But the problem was that people started calling me a poseur and a fake goth. It got on my nerves, but my friends continued. A few of them at least. But I had to keep ignoring it, because I was who I was, and no one could change that. So that's my life, Tre. That's me. I have no regrets on how I handled anything, just regrets on how it went."
I sighed and let my body drape itself over the pillows on the bed. Tre lied down beside me, "Honey... It's okay. We all go through those type of things. I'll never comment on your past though again, but I want you to confront it during this reunion, okay?"
"I'll try," I said, burrowing my head into his shoulder. "I love you Tre." "I love you too, Stephanie."
I let out a small laugh as I put my purse and the keys on the island in the kitchen. "No shit," I said. Tre fluttered his eyelashes at me, "Like a reunion with your paaaast." I shuddered. Tre knew I didn't want anything to do with any of the past that I came from; I wasn't too proud of it. "Shut up," I said. But my attention drew to an envelope labeled 'CHMS Eagles' on the top left. "But speaking of reunions..."
"What? Tre asked. "This is my middle school emblem," I responded. I opened the letter and began to read as Tre looked at me questionably.
"Dear Ms. McKay,
Well, what a long time it has been! Surely you do remember going to middle school 9 years back! Well, we have a surprise for you! On Friday, October 10th, we will be having a Class of 2006 reunion! Doesn't that sound fun! I know that your thinking, Why in dear God would we be having a 9 year instead of a 10 year reunion, and why shouldn't we just wait until high school. Well, we just wanted to mix things up a little bit, so we decided to do it sooner than usual. And plus, by seeing your middle school peers in a more intimate setting, you can remember your life before high school. This reunion will take place from 7 to 11 PM at Hinsdale Golf Club, dinner and dessert will be served. Hope to see you there!"
I scoffed, "Dear Lord, I'm going to shoot myself. This is pathetic. And it's this weekend." Tre laughed, "I think it'd be fun."
"I think not."
"I think you should go."
"Yeah, right."
"You're going."
"No way."
Tre gave me that look, that look that was saying 'but can't you do this for me? '. I shrugged my shoulders, "It's this weekend, Tre."
"Well yeah, I know, but it would be cool. I mean, just fly out there for 2 days, be back on Sunday, and on Monday, yay, surgery!" Tre responded.
"Frank..." I barely ever called Tre Frank, only when he needed to be given a bit of a warning, and today I think he was getting a bit over his head.
"No seriously, I really think you should go. It would be fun to show up to your loser old peers," Tre gave me that sheepish smile. "Ugh, fine, you got me," I responded. Tre did a little victory dance, but I stopped him, "Only on 2 terms. One, I will see if Claudia is going. Two, I will only go if you do too, and that means we need a doctor's okay."
Tre sighed, "Fine, fine. I will go and call the doctor and you can give Claudia a ring." "Actually, I was thinking of just stopping by her house, I haven't seen her in a few weeks anyway," I responded. Claudia has been one of my best friends since 6th grade, and is one of the few things I don't look upon regret with in my past. She lives a few miles south of me with her husband Jordan and their daughter Isabella, who is one.
"Okay," Tre said. "You can take the SUV, I'll just chill at home for the day." "Are you sure?" I said. "Yeah, it's no problem," Tre replied. "Okay," I said, as I started to walk up the stairs. "I'm going to go change into jeans or something, be right back."
I darted upstairs to the bedroom where I took off my turtleneck sweater immediately. It had been hot as hell. I slipped off my boots and black pants, and began to search for some jeans. As I was walking around in my lingerie I heard a knock on the door and then Tre burst in. He basically forced my whole body onto the bed and I started laughing hysterically.
"Tre... No..." I said as I gasped for breath. Tre had his hands around me and he was stradeling over my body. He commented in mockery, "Can't a guy have a little fun for once with the love of his life?" I smiled, "Well if a guy was patient he would soon learn that the love of his life was planning something very fun for tomorrow, but I suppose a guy can't wait." I started to undo my bra.
"No, wait!" Tre covered my chest and looked away. "A guy can wait! A guy can wait!" I rehooked my bra. "I thought so," I said.
I got up and started to rummage through my closet looking for a pair of jeans. I finally found a comfortable pair and slipped them on. I then grabbed a plain white shirt and put and Notre Dame sweatshirt on top of it.
"Have you seen my Converses?" I asked Tre. "Nope," he replied. "Try in the laundry room downstairs. Or Mona could've borrowed them."
"I'm so glad that I'm finally on good terms with her. Do you have any idea how hard it was to keep that from you? I just didn't want you to find out, 'cause, you know, it would like make it hard for you. I mean obviously you would have to choose her, she's your daughter, but I didn't really want you to make that choice."
"Eh, I love you both, you both know that," Tre said. I could tell he was kind of uncomfortable with the subject, "Yeah, well subject over. Gone and passed. One thing we don't ever need to talk about is the past."
Tre looked relieved, but questioned me. "Steph, I know like what has happened in your past, but why do you hate talking about it so much?"
"Well, it's a long story," I responded. "I mean, things weren't always easy for me. Especially in middle school. Before I found out about you guys in 7th grade, I was like freaking out. A lot of stuff was just really difficult for me, not educationally obviously, but mentally. I wasn't mentally stable, and everyone thought I was."
"What do you mean?" Tre asked.
"Are you sure you want to get into this?" I asked him.
"Yeah I do," he said. "But don't you have to go to Claudia's?" "I will, but it's not like she's expecting me or anything. What time is it, 1 o' clock? You know, how about inviting them to dinner, just like a pizza night. Around 6? I could give them a ring and ask if they want to come over, and then I'll come back and tell you all about my troubled past," I said.
"Okay, sure," Tre replied. I grabbed the phone and began to dial Claudia's number. Man, is it going to be a long day... I thought.
***
"Okay," I told Tre. "They can come, I told them around 6." "Cool," Tre replied. "Now... About your past..."
"Where to begin, Where to begin," I said, tapping my chin. "Probably around 6th grade. I had really no friends, probably like 1, but that was okay since I never really realized it. But the thing was, I had no one to talk to. Around mid 6th grade, I began having thoughts of God and afterlife, what it was like, and if I really wanted to "live forever";. Forever was a long time for me, and I got really uncomfortable fathoming the idea.
"Anyway, I would stay up late at night and I would start crying, just because I couldn't stand it anymore. Life wasn't anything for me, because you die anyway. Nothing meant anything. At that point I began to think of suicide.
"Somewhere around that time, I really was on the verge of killing myself. I would injure myself, not by cutting, but more puncturing, or holding things down into my skin. I did that for many years after and expirimented with cutting maybe a year after that.
"A few times I would be holding a bottle of pills and I would be ready to down them, but I thought of all my family and my few friends that I actually meant something to. At that point I would put the pills back on the table." I sighed.
"Steph," Tre said. "Is this too hard to talk about?"
"No, no, it's okay, I'll continue," I said. "So anyway, the summer before 7th grade I actually started to tell people what happened, and I found out I had a lot more people that cared about me than I thought. Not that many, but more than I thought. Through the summer, I started to gain the confidence to make more friends, and by the time I was in 7th grade, I had quite a few.
"But I was still insecure with my surroundings, Tre. I lived in this wealthy materialistic world, and I wasn't comfortable in those settings. I didn't belong there. I belonged in a place where no one cared how much money you had, or what clothes you wore. I needed to get out. It started to take it's toll on me, and I eventually ended up in counseling.
"I was comfortable on the outside, but a mess inside. I needed to be around something new. When I learned about Green Day in mid 7th grade, I took a hold of it. You guys gave me something to take, something I could connect to. And I could never thank you more. But the problem was that people started calling me a poseur and a fake goth. It got on my nerves, but my friends continued. A few of them at least. But I had to keep ignoring it, because I was who I was, and no one could change that. So that's my life, Tre. That's me. I have no regrets on how I handled anything, just regrets on how it went."
I sighed and let my body drape itself over the pillows on the bed. Tre lied down beside me, "Honey... It's okay. We all go through those type of things. I'll never comment on your past though again, but I want you to confront it during this reunion, okay?"
"I'll try," I said, burrowing my head into his shoulder. "I love you Tre." "I love you too, Stephanie."
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