What You Remind Me Of, chapter 1
"My love, look at what you've done to me," words that will echo through my head. Forever. It's a funny thing, love is. Or maybe the funny thing is, I've always wanted it, but never had any real belief in. You can love your friends, family, (and if by some weird chance people like you your fans. ) but to be in love with some one for the rest of your life... It seems impossible. I said I loved him, but it wasn't enough to just say it. I only saw him on my TV and magazines for a while. Married, of course, two kids, darling little boys. He was always so much older, not in age, but in knowledge... But yet. Maybe it was meant to be, or maybe, by some mishap, we altered our fate. By the time I told him the three words I had held onto for so long, we were already going down.
Fifteen years ago, we had it all...
"Baby stop!" I yelled as he shook me from my sleep.
"NO! Get your ass up and make me some FOOD!"
"Excuse me?!"
"Babe... I was joking! Don't hurt m-"
"Get your naked ass out of MY fucking bed and YOU make ME some food... NOW!" I said with a smile. Laughing as he threw the covers back, he did just as I had said.
"My love, what would you like... Some whipped-cream, maybe?"
"Shut up... No, I want EGGS, and BACON, and SUSAGE! Mr. Vegetarian."
He just smiled and rolled his eyes. He walked out of the bedroom, and five minuets later he came back with two bowls of cereal.
We had it all but money. Even though my family was well off, I wanted to be independent; he called it stubborn. I had just graduated, and moved from my small town in Georgia to California. I was a waitress; I was living alone, paying my own bills, buying my own clothes, food, and such. With out anyone's help.
And I was also just sitting in that small restaurant, on a rainy Tuesday, minding my own business, because there was no business at all that day and, out of the blue at 7: 08 PM.... He walks in.
"Can I help you" I said as he took a seat at the table that was the fourth from the last on the left.
"Can I get a large coffee please?"
"Yeah, it'll be two minutes... "
"And... "
"Oh, and $2. 56... " He handed me a five.
"Keep the change."
I got his coffee and he kicked out the chair for me. "Sit?"
"I'm working."
"Ok, considering that there's a billion people in here that need you... " he said looking around the empty room.
"Ok... Why?"
"Because, you look lonely. And I honestly think you may be the most beautiful person I have ever seen." I smiled.
"I bet you say that to every one... "
"Maybe... But I guess you'll have to stick around to find out."
At 7:30 I turned the lock on the door. He was waiting behind me.
We walked until he stopped under a streetlight. "Am I ever gonna see you again?"
"Well I don't know... Stick around and maybe you'll find ouuuuut...."
"Yeah, it's Billie... Billie Joe Armstrong. Not William Josephus, just Billie Joe."
"Ok not William Josephus just Billie Joe... I'm Melody, NOT Melanie, just Melody."
"So, it's so cliché, but, Melody, Can I walk you home?"
" Well, I don't know, CAN you?"
"What... Yeah... "
"I believe 'May I walk you home' would be the correct thing t-"
"Ok, May I walk you home?"
We were young, and wild, and stupid, and we were crazy about each other.
"What are you thinking about, William Josephus?"
"Well, Melanie, the only thing I've been thinking about since I met you," he said placing the TV remote down and moving closer to me.
"Mmm, and what's that?" we had only been together a month, but we had already moved in together. Sex, as am sure you are all wondering about, had happened, and something's, this issue being one of them, are not any of your business.
"You," he said capturing my mouth with his.
{The first time I caught a glimpse of you
Then my thoughts were only of you}
We fought, of course. What couple doesn't?
"SHUT UP!" I screamed at him, throwing down his shoe that I held in my hand.
"Don't fucking tell me to shut up."
"Well, if you were here more than you were out with your band, I wouldn't have to tell you to shut up!"
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?!"
"I'll tell you what the fuck it means, Billie. I NEVER see you anymore. You're always playing with your stupid band. And when you do come home, you're either stoned or drunk. Sometimes both! And by the time I come home from work, you're gone! With your BAND! So Billie, pick. Do you want a car, or food?"
"What the hell... What are you talking about? Food or a car?"
"Billie, I love you and you love me, but that isn't putting food on the table, or money to the car! My paycheck isn't lasting as long as it used to. Get off your ass and fucking get a god dam job! Billie, that's what the HELL IT MEANS!"
"WHAT," he said smiling.
"Jesus, Billie, what the hell do you mean 'WHAT'? We are broke! We have no money! We can't afford to eat and car payments! That's what!"
"No, no, no, not that. You just said the "L" word... You just told me you loved me."
"No, I didn't. I don't say the l-o-v-e word... Not yet anyway."
He walked closer to me, smiling. His arms went around my waist. "OK, Whatever... "
But yet we made up...
"Billie," I whispered, as I lay naked next to him in our bed.
"Mmm?"
"I'm scared... "
"I know, but I'm gonna make it ok. Just give me time, please baby. I know it doesn't look this way now, but Green Day... We're gonna make it."
"Billie (sigh) I wanna believe you. I've never had to worry about these things before."
"I'll quit Green Day, I'll get a job, I'll do whatever it takes to take care of you... Just don't... Don't go.... Anywhere. Just stay with me."
"Billie Joe Armstrong, I swear to God, if you leave Green Day, I'll kick your ass... And I'm from the south and I can do it."
He laughs silently. "I will do whateve-"
"NO DAMN YOU! We're gonna be ok... Just give it time... "
There are moments that you want to pause. Then those you want to fast-forward. I did love him, and I told him. I also told him that he was going to meet my family on Christmas.
"What if they hate me... What if they don't like me... I don't care, but I know that it will kill you if-"
"Shut the fuck up," I said with a smile, "they will L-O-V-E you."
"How do you know?"
"Because I do. They either love both or none. And you're a democrat, so that ads major brownie points."
When we got to my house at 2:55 am, my heart was pounding.
"So, they're not gonna kill me for sleeping with their little Barbie, I mean daughter now are they?"
"BILLIE! Stop. Be nice to me. No, they have no say in whom I sleep with and whom I don't. And besides if they don't like it, we will leave. They won't say anything, because they want me to stay... I'm the only girl you know."
We made our way to my room. Billie looked at me with his sly eyes. "So this is the room that all the guys visited in high school, uh?"
"Yeah, they wish."
"I know they wish... My love, look at what you've done to me."
"What's that?"
"I'm meeting your family, I'm in love... "
"Shhhh. Mel, we have to be quite. I don't want your dad to walk in... "
"Billie, do you think I care?" Our lips met. (Insert pause here)
Things could have been better:
"What in God's name is he doing in your bed?"
"Daddy, shut up, you're gonna wake him up. And he has a name!"
"Snake?"
"Stop it. It's Billie. Joe. Billie Joe."
"Well, what is doing IN. My. Daughters. Bed?!?" (Insert fast-forward here)
"Well, for one, we're having really great sex. And if you don't like it, we will leave!"
"No, no, no, no you two just stay put just stay where you are. Your mother would kill me if you left because of me... "
But things could have also gone worse. But thank God, they only got better.
My family did eventually fall absolutely in love with Billie.
When we got back from Georgia, things started to get better between us. We fought less and less.
"BILLIE! I'm home from work!" I said as I slammed the door shut.
"Hi."
"Hey baby. You ok?"
"Huh? Oh, yeah, just thinkin'"
"Abouuuuuuuut... "
"Oh, you know just stuff... Us."
"Billie, are you brak-"
"WHAT, God no, just... Will you.... Do... How long do you wanna be with me?"
"I... Uh... I... Don't... Idon'tknow. I've never thought about it, I just always assumed... "
"Assumed what?"
"That we would just be together... Ya know?"
"You remember that fight we had, ya know the one where we were broke...."
"Yeah, things are going much better now Billie, don't worry... I-"
"You said 'I love you""
"Billie, I did not!"
"Yes, yes you did. Look at me, and if you can say that you don't love me, I'll never bring it up again."
I looked into those green eyes and I knew I couldn't do it. "I.... Love you, Billie. I can't believe I just sacrificed that. I love you"
(Now I dwell on what you remind me of
A sweet young girl who sacrificed her love)
I was the judge's daughter, a preacher's wife in the making when I met Billie. I wanted noting more than to escape that small town life and be on my own in the big city. I was just so tired of it... And I wanted to do something crazy, something my dad would absolutely die over. Something my mom would cry about for weeks. And I told him this.
"Keep your eyes closed." He said as he led me out of the car and onto the sidewalk.
"Billie, I'm kinda freakin out now."
"Do you trust e," he breathed in my ear two seconds after walking into a shop and hearing the bell of the door ding.
"Mmmm, you know it."
"Ok, open 'em."
We had done some crazy things before, but this was just... Untouchable.
"Billie Joe Armstrong, I can't get a tattoo."
"Yes... Yeah you can."
"Well, are you?"
"You know it, babe."
"Billie... "
"On your ass!"
"Kiss my ass!"
"When we get home... "
"On my neck, the back of my neck. I want a vine. A small one, just like two inches long"
"Well, I'll get one on my arm then... All the way around."
Things don't always go like you want them to. Green Day started to play show after show, and he was never home. I started to work later and later, and when he was home I never saw him. He was always passed out.
One night I came home and Billie was sitting on the couch.
"BILLIE! What are you doing here?" I said as I dropped my stuff and jumped on him
"I'm here to pack my stuff."
"What?"
"We just got an offer from a record company. They wanna fly us to New York. Give us STUIDEO TIME! SIGN US MAYBE!"
"Billie, that's awesome!"
"Yeah, and I want you to come with us."
"Billie, I can't. I have a job."
"So quit. I'm gonna be able to take care of you now."
"No, Billie, what if it falls through? What if you need to come back here?"
"It's not gonna happen like that. Just... Come with me. We can get married, live in... Wherever the hell you want. I don't care. As long as I'm with you."
"Billie, I'm not going. And we're not gonna get married."
He just sat there. Wide-eyed. Just realizing what I had said." Billie, I... It's... I want to marry you, but just... Not-"
"We've fucking been together for two fucking years Mel. If you can't say yes now, when will you?"
"Billie, I don't.... I'm not sure."
" Melody, how can you not fucking be sure? I LOVE YOU! YOU LOVE ME! Don't do this to us."
"We don't have to get married. We can wait."
"NO! I just wanna be with you... I want to marry you. Just please... "
"Billie, I'm so, so, so sorry."
"Not as sorry as I am."
He walked out.
I went to bed, thinking he would be back soon, because it wasn't the first time we had fought about this. I woke up and he was still gone. I took a shower. I got out. No Billie. I came home from work to a half way empty closet and a note. And a plane ticket.
M,
I love you. Please use it. I can't wait forever. It's now, or not.
No matter what, just know that I will always love you.
B.
Things happen. People change, people grow. People don't get on planes....
Fifteen years ago, we had it all...
"Baby stop!" I yelled as he shook me from my sleep.
"NO! Get your ass up and make me some FOOD!"
"Excuse me?!"
"Babe... I was joking! Don't hurt m-"
"Get your naked ass out of MY fucking bed and YOU make ME some food... NOW!" I said with a smile. Laughing as he threw the covers back, he did just as I had said.
"My love, what would you like... Some whipped-cream, maybe?"
"Shut up... No, I want EGGS, and BACON, and SUSAGE! Mr. Vegetarian."
He just smiled and rolled his eyes. He walked out of the bedroom, and five minuets later he came back with two bowls of cereal.
We had it all but money. Even though my family was well off, I wanted to be independent; he called it stubborn. I had just graduated, and moved from my small town in Georgia to California. I was a waitress; I was living alone, paying my own bills, buying my own clothes, food, and such. With out anyone's help.
And I was also just sitting in that small restaurant, on a rainy Tuesday, minding my own business, because there was no business at all that day and, out of the blue at 7: 08 PM.... He walks in.
"Can I help you" I said as he took a seat at the table that was the fourth from the last on the left.
"Can I get a large coffee please?"
"Yeah, it'll be two minutes... "
"And... "
"Oh, and $2. 56... " He handed me a five.
"Keep the change."
I got his coffee and he kicked out the chair for me. "Sit?"
"I'm working."
"Ok, considering that there's a billion people in here that need you... " he said looking around the empty room.
"Ok... Why?"
"Because, you look lonely. And I honestly think you may be the most beautiful person I have ever seen." I smiled.
"I bet you say that to every one... "
"Maybe... But I guess you'll have to stick around to find out."
At 7:30 I turned the lock on the door. He was waiting behind me.
We walked until he stopped under a streetlight. "Am I ever gonna see you again?"
"Well I don't know... Stick around and maybe you'll find ouuuuut...."
"Yeah, it's Billie... Billie Joe Armstrong. Not William Josephus, just Billie Joe."
"Ok not William Josephus just Billie Joe... I'm Melody, NOT Melanie, just Melody."
"So, it's so cliché, but, Melody, Can I walk you home?"
" Well, I don't know, CAN you?"
"What... Yeah... "
"I believe 'May I walk you home' would be the correct thing t-"
"Ok, May I walk you home?"
We were young, and wild, and stupid, and we were crazy about each other.
"What are you thinking about, William Josephus?"
"Well, Melanie, the only thing I've been thinking about since I met you," he said placing the TV remote down and moving closer to me.
"Mmm, and what's that?" we had only been together a month, but we had already moved in together. Sex, as am sure you are all wondering about, had happened, and something's, this issue being one of them, are not any of your business.
"You," he said capturing my mouth with his.
{The first time I caught a glimpse of you
Then my thoughts were only of you}
We fought, of course. What couple doesn't?
"SHUT UP!" I screamed at him, throwing down his shoe that I held in my hand.
"Don't fucking tell me to shut up."
"Well, if you were here more than you were out with your band, I wouldn't have to tell you to shut up!"
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?!"
"I'll tell you what the fuck it means, Billie. I NEVER see you anymore. You're always playing with your stupid band. And when you do come home, you're either stoned or drunk. Sometimes both! And by the time I come home from work, you're gone! With your BAND! So Billie, pick. Do you want a car, or food?"
"What the hell... What are you talking about? Food or a car?"
"Billie, I love you and you love me, but that isn't putting food on the table, or money to the car! My paycheck isn't lasting as long as it used to. Get off your ass and fucking get a god dam job! Billie, that's what the HELL IT MEANS!"
"WHAT," he said smiling.
"Jesus, Billie, what the hell do you mean 'WHAT'? We are broke! We have no money! We can't afford to eat and car payments! That's what!"
"No, no, no, not that. You just said the "L" word... You just told me you loved me."
"No, I didn't. I don't say the l-o-v-e word... Not yet anyway."
He walked closer to me, smiling. His arms went around my waist. "OK, Whatever... "
But yet we made up...
"Billie," I whispered, as I lay naked next to him in our bed.
"Mmm?"
"I'm scared... "
"I know, but I'm gonna make it ok. Just give me time, please baby. I know it doesn't look this way now, but Green Day... We're gonna make it."
"Billie (sigh) I wanna believe you. I've never had to worry about these things before."
"I'll quit Green Day, I'll get a job, I'll do whatever it takes to take care of you... Just don't... Don't go.... Anywhere. Just stay with me."
"Billie Joe Armstrong, I swear to God, if you leave Green Day, I'll kick your ass... And I'm from the south and I can do it."
He laughs silently. "I will do whateve-"
"NO DAMN YOU! We're gonna be ok... Just give it time... "
There are moments that you want to pause. Then those you want to fast-forward. I did love him, and I told him. I also told him that he was going to meet my family on Christmas.
"What if they hate me... What if they don't like me... I don't care, but I know that it will kill you if-"
"Shut the fuck up," I said with a smile, "they will L-O-V-E you."
"How do you know?"
"Because I do. They either love both or none. And you're a democrat, so that ads major brownie points."
When we got to my house at 2:55 am, my heart was pounding.
"So, they're not gonna kill me for sleeping with their little Barbie, I mean daughter now are they?"
"BILLIE! Stop. Be nice to me. No, they have no say in whom I sleep with and whom I don't. And besides if they don't like it, we will leave. They won't say anything, because they want me to stay... I'm the only girl you know."
We made our way to my room. Billie looked at me with his sly eyes. "So this is the room that all the guys visited in high school, uh?"
"Yeah, they wish."
"I know they wish... My love, look at what you've done to me."
"What's that?"
"I'm meeting your family, I'm in love... "
"Shhhh. Mel, we have to be quite. I don't want your dad to walk in... "
"Billie, do you think I care?" Our lips met. (Insert pause here)
Things could have been better:
"What in God's name is he doing in your bed?"
"Daddy, shut up, you're gonna wake him up. And he has a name!"
"Snake?"
"Stop it. It's Billie. Joe. Billie Joe."
"Well, what is doing IN. My. Daughters. Bed?!?" (Insert fast-forward here)
"Well, for one, we're having really great sex. And if you don't like it, we will leave!"
"No, no, no, no you two just stay put just stay where you are. Your mother would kill me if you left because of me... "
But things could have also gone worse. But thank God, they only got better.
My family did eventually fall absolutely in love with Billie.
When we got back from Georgia, things started to get better between us. We fought less and less.
"BILLIE! I'm home from work!" I said as I slammed the door shut.
"Hi."
"Hey baby. You ok?"
"Huh? Oh, yeah, just thinkin'"
"Abouuuuuuuut... "
"Oh, you know just stuff... Us."
"Billie, are you brak-"
"WHAT, God no, just... Will you.... Do... How long do you wanna be with me?"
"I... Uh... I... Don't... Idon'tknow. I've never thought about it, I just always assumed... "
"Assumed what?"
"That we would just be together... Ya know?"
"You remember that fight we had, ya know the one where we were broke...."
"Yeah, things are going much better now Billie, don't worry... I-"
"You said 'I love you""
"Billie, I did not!"
"Yes, yes you did. Look at me, and if you can say that you don't love me, I'll never bring it up again."
I looked into those green eyes and I knew I couldn't do it. "I.... Love you, Billie. I can't believe I just sacrificed that. I love you"
(Now I dwell on what you remind me of
A sweet young girl who sacrificed her love)
I was the judge's daughter, a preacher's wife in the making when I met Billie. I wanted noting more than to escape that small town life and be on my own in the big city. I was just so tired of it... And I wanted to do something crazy, something my dad would absolutely die over. Something my mom would cry about for weeks. And I told him this.
"Keep your eyes closed." He said as he led me out of the car and onto the sidewalk.
"Billie, I'm kinda freakin out now."
"Do you trust e," he breathed in my ear two seconds after walking into a shop and hearing the bell of the door ding.
"Mmmm, you know it."
"Ok, open 'em."
We had done some crazy things before, but this was just... Untouchable.
"Billie Joe Armstrong, I can't get a tattoo."
"Yes... Yeah you can."
"Well, are you?"
"You know it, babe."
"Billie... "
"On your ass!"
"Kiss my ass!"
"When we get home... "
"On my neck, the back of my neck. I want a vine. A small one, just like two inches long"
"Well, I'll get one on my arm then... All the way around."
Things don't always go like you want them to. Green Day started to play show after show, and he was never home. I started to work later and later, and when he was home I never saw him. He was always passed out.
One night I came home and Billie was sitting on the couch.
"BILLIE! What are you doing here?" I said as I dropped my stuff and jumped on him
"I'm here to pack my stuff."
"What?"
"We just got an offer from a record company. They wanna fly us to New York. Give us STUIDEO TIME! SIGN US MAYBE!"
"Billie, that's awesome!"
"Yeah, and I want you to come with us."
"Billie, I can't. I have a job."
"So quit. I'm gonna be able to take care of you now."
"No, Billie, what if it falls through? What if you need to come back here?"
"It's not gonna happen like that. Just... Come with me. We can get married, live in... Wherever the hell you want. I don't care. As long as I'm with you."
"Billie, I'm not going. And we're not gonna get married."
He just sat there. Wide-eyed. Just realizing what I had said." Billie, I... It's... I want to marry you, but just... Not-"
"We've fucking been together for two fucking years Mel. If you can't say yes now, when will you?"
"Billie, I don't.... I'm not sure."
" Melody, how can you not fucking be sure? I LOVE YOU! YOU LOVE ME! Don't do this to us."
"We don't have to get married. We can wait."
"NO! I just wanna be with you... I want to marry you. Just please... "
"Billie, I'm so, so, so sorry."
"Not as sorry as I am."
He walked out.
I went to bed, thinking he would be back soon, because it wasn't the first time we had fought about this. I woke up and he was still gone. I took a shower. I got out. No Billie. I came home from work to a half way empty closet and a note. And a plane ticket.
M,
I love you. Please use it. I can't wait forever. It's now, or not.
No matter what, just know that I will always love you.
B.
Things happen. People change, people grow. People don't get on planes....
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