What You Remind Me Of, chapter 12
I sat alone in what used to be our bedroom in the New York bungalow, with the radio only keeping me company. It was playing some dumb song, and then God knows that it would start to play the song. Our song. The song that was playing in the background of that small café.
//Now I know, "Spanish Harlem" are not just pretty words to say/I thought I knew/But now I know that rose trees never grow in New York city//
I look at it. I hate it now. I hate it with such a passion.
//Until you've seen this trash can dream come true/You stand at the edge, while people run you through/And I thank the Lord, there's people out there like you/I thank the Lord there's people out there like you//
I let my mind drift back to that night. Remembering everything. And nothing. All at once.
"Can I help you," She said as I took a seat at the table that was the fourth from the last on the left.
"Can I get a large coffee please?"
"Yeah, it'll be two minutes... "
"And... "
"Oh, and $2.56... " I handed me a five.
"Keep the change."
She got my coffee and I kicked out the chair for her. "Sit?"
"I'm working."
"Ok, considering that there's a billion people in here that need you... " I said looking around the empty room.
"Ok... why?"
"Because, you look lonely. And I honestly think you may be the most beautiful person I have ever seen." She smiled.
"I bet you say that to everyone... "
"Maybe... but I guess you'll have to stick around to find out."
//While Mona Lisa's and mad hatters/Sons of bankers, sons of lawyers/Turn around and say, "Good morning" to the night/For unless they see the sky, but they can't and that is why/They know not if it's dark outside or light//
The funny thing is, she did stick around to find out. But now...
I look at the radio. I pick it up, and throw it across the room.
"DAMN IT MEL! WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THIS TO ME? LOOK AT ME MEL! LOOK AT ME FROM YOUR SPOT IN HEAVEN! DO I FUCKING LOOK HAPPY, NOW? I SURE DO HOPE YOU'RE FUCKING HAPPY! AND YOU FUCKING TOO 'GOD'! YOU'RE SURE AS HELL NOT AS AWESOME AS SHE MADE YOU OUT! "
"Billie," Adie said as she walked into the room, "have some coffee."
"I don't want your fucking coffee."
"Fine. Maybe we should go through some of her stuff. You know, now, before everyone bombards you."
"You can fucking go through it."
"I'll help you, later."
"Jesus, Adie, do you really think it's a awesome idea to come here and fucking tell me to go through my wife stuff, an hour after her funeral? Are you fucking retarded?"
"You know what, Billie? I'm doing what I know Melody would do. Do you honestly think she would want you to fucking drag this husband-hurt shit out? No, she would want you to move on. Move on, Billie. I'm trying to help you and you're being an ass hole to me. And stop blaming Mel for this. Billie, do you think she wanted this? She told me the day before that she wanted nothing more than what she had. You, Billie. It's all she ever wanted. She was having your baby, and she had you. And she was so fucking happy. Don't you even start to ever fucking blame her ever again."
I just stood there, stunned. She was right. I walked over to the closet, and pull out a box.
"Sorry," I say, as I lay the box on the bed and pull Adie into a hug. And I don't know how long we stood there, holding each other, but we did. And I cried. And she cried.
"What if I can't make it, Adie? What will I do without her?"
"Billie, I love you, Mike loves you. We'll do everything we can do to help you. You should come back to California and stay with us. As long as you want. And you will make it, because we all know that's what Mel would do. She would make it. You will make it."
I sobbed even harder, burying my face deeper in her neck.
After we pulled apart, we sat side by side on the bed, looking at the box's content. A few pictures, a napkin with a song I had scribbled on it for her, movie ticket stubs, cards, 25-cent rings, a plane ticket, a pick, and a piece of folded up paper. I reach for it, and un-fold it.
Billie,
I'm going to assume that the reason you're reading this, is because I'm not there to read it to you. And, I'm sorry. I wish I could be there, but it's life. And don't stop living it, Billie, ever.
Do you remember the night we met? You were so corny. "Stick around and find out," was that the best you could come up with? You're such a dork, Bill.
You were also so beautiful. You still are. And I thank God for everyday I spend with you.
When you're gone, for whatever reason, touring, press, whatever, I think about what you remind me of. Home, love, peace, beauty, warmth, harmony, and so many other things. So, whenever you feel lonely, what do I remind you of? Think about these things.
You may think it's some sort of tragedy, losing me, but look on the bright side, you can write a song about it. (You know you want to smile) I'm not gone; I'm just not there physically. I'm always with you. Always. I'll always love you. Always.
Billie, you've been my best friend, my boyfriend, my lover, my one that got away, my one that came back, and my husband. But, most of all, you've been my better half. You've been the one to hold me together, to make me better, to believe in me. You'll always remind me of that rainy Tuesday when you walked into that café. You'll always remind me of a plane ticket I still have, (I'm sure you've seen it by now). You'll always remind me of a tattoo on the back of my neck and around your arm. You'll always remind me of surprise weddings, and surprise visits. You'll always remind me of a girl from a small town in Georgia, trying to make it on her own and avoid love. You'll always remind me of a California boy, who made that small town girl dependent and who pushed her strait into love. I hope I'll always remind you, Billie. Always.
"It's something unpredictable, but in the ends, it's right. I hope you had the time of your life... "
I love you, Billie. Never forget that.
Melody.
I folded the letter, put it back into the box, and I was reminded of all the things I really was, of all the things I really am. Of all the things I could have been, should have been.
I was reminded of a love that I had once known, still knew, had, lost, got back, and lost again. A love that was never here, and would always follow me. I was reminded of the moments that last forever, but end so soon. I was reminded of her.
I remember everything about her. Everything. Every fight, every kiss. Every word she ever said. She will always be with me. Always.
//Now I know, "Spanish Harlem" are not just pretty words to say/I thought I knew/But now I know that rose trees never grow in New York city//
I look at it. I hate it now. I hate it with such a passion.
//Until you've seen this trash can dream come true/You stand at the edge, while people run you through/And I thank the Lord, there's people out there like you/I thank the Lord there's people out there like you//
I let my mind drift back to that night. Remembering everything. And nothing. All at once.
"Can I help you," She said as I took a seat at the table that was the fourth from the last on the left.
"Can I get a large coffee please?"
"Yeah, it'll be two minutes... "
"And... "
"Oh, and $2.56... " I handed me a five.
"Keep the change."
She got my coffee and I kicked out the chair for her. "Sit?"
"I'm working."
"Ok, considering that there's a billion people in here that need you... " I said looking around the empty room.
"Ok... why?"
"Because, you look lonely. And I honestly think you may be the most beautiful person I have ever seen." She smiled.
"I bet you say that to everyone... "
"Maybe... but I guess you'll have to stick around to find out."
//While Mona Lisa's and mad hatters/Sons of bankers, sons of lawyers/Turn around and say, "Good morning" to the night/For unless they see the sky, but they can't and that is why/They know not if it's dark outside or light//
The funny thing is, she did stick around to find out. But now...
I look at the radio. I pick it up, and throw it across the room.
"DAMN IT MEL! WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THIS TO ME? LOOK AT ME MEL! LOOK AT ME FROM YOUR SPOT IN HEAVEN! DO I FUCKING LOOK HAPPY, NOW? I SURE DO HOPE YOU'RE FUCKING HAPPY! AND YOU FUCKING TOO 'GOD'! YOU'RE SURE AS HELL NOT AS AWESOME AS SHE MADE YOU OUT! "
"Billie," Adie said as she walked into the room, "have some coffee."
"I don't want your fucking coffee."
"Fine. Maybe we should go through some of her stuff. You know, now, before everyone bombards you."
"You can fucking go through it."
"I'll help you, later."
"Jesus, Adie, do you really think it's a awesome idea to come here and fucking tell me to go through my wife stuff, an hour after her funeral? Are you fucking retarded?"
"You know what, Billie? I'm doing what I know Melody would do. Do you honestly think she would want you to fucking drag this husband-hurt shit out? No, she would want you to move on. Move on, Billie. I'm trying to help you and you're being an ass hole to me. And stop blaming Mel for this. Billie, do you think she wanted this? She told me the day before that she wanted nothing more than what she had. You, Billie. It's all she ever wanted. She was having your baby, and she had you. And she was so fucking happy. Don't you even start to ever fucking blame her ever again."
I just stood there, stunned. She was right. I walked over to the closet, and pull out a box.
"Sorry," I say, as I lay the box on the bed and pull Adie into a hug. And I don't know how long we stood there, holding each other, but we did. And I cried. And she cried.
"What if I can't make it, Adie? What will I do without her?"
"Billie, I love you, Mike loves you. We'll do everything we can do to help you. You should come back to California and stay with us. As long as you want. And you will make it, because we all know that's what Mel would do. She would make it. You will make it."
I sobbed even harder, burying my face deeper in her neck.
After we pulled apart, we sat side by side on the bed, looking at the box's content. A few pictures, a napkin with a song I had scribbled on it for her, movie ticket stubs, cards, 25-cent rings, a plane ticket, a pick, and a piece of folded up paper. I reach for it, and un-fold it.
Billie,
I'm going to assume that the reason you're reading this, is because I'm not there to read it to you. And, I'm sorry. I wish I could be there, but it's life. And don't stop living it, Billie, ever.
Do you remember the night we met? You were so corny. "Stick around and find out," was that the best you could come up with? You're such a dork, Bill.
You were also so beautiful. You still are. And I thank God for everyday I spend with you.
When you're gone, for whatever reason, touring, press, whatever, I think about what you remind me of. Home, love, peace, beauty, warmth, harmony, and so many other things. So, whenever you feel lonely, what do I remind you of? Think about these things.
You may think it's some sort of tragedy, losing me, but look on the bright side, you can write a song about it. (You know you want to smile) I'm not gone; I'm just not there physically. I'm always with you. Always. I'll always love you. Always.
Billie, you've been my best friend, my boyfriend, my lover, my one that got away, my one that came back, and my husband. But, most of all, you've been my better half. You've been the one to hold me together, to make me better, to believe in me. You'll always remind me of that rainy Tuesday when you walked into that café. You'll always remind me of a plane ticket I still have, (I'm sure you've seen it by now). You'll always remind me of a tattoo on the back of my neck and around your arm. You'll always remind me of surprise weddings, and surprise visits. You'll always remind me of a girl from a small town in Georgia, trying to make it on her own and avoid love. You'll always remind me of a California boy, who made that small town girl dependent and who pushed her strait into love. I hope I'll always remind you, Billie. Always.
"It's something unpredictable, but in the ends, it's right. I hope you had the time of your life... "
I love you, Billie. Never forget that.
Melody.
I folded the letter, put it back into the box, and I was reminded of all the things I really was, of all the things I really am. Of all the things I could have been, should have been.
I was reminded of a love that I had once known, still knew, had, lost, got back, and lost again. A love that was never here, and would always follow me. I was reminded of the moments that last forever, but end so soon. I was reminded of her.
I remember everything about her. Everything. Every fight, every kiss. Every word she ever said. She will always be with me. Always.
