The Children Of Rage & Love (Sequel to Give Me Novacaine), chapter 5

"Mom what the fuck were you thinking with all those pills?!"
"Obviously that I wouldn't get caught," her mother said sarcastically as she turned her head looking out the window it seemed but she really was looking at a picture on her night stand. A picture of her and her father when they were younger. "I miss him baby I'm sorry I can't wait to die alone I want to see him again I want to hold him and be with him." She said her eyes brimming with tears. Veronica looked at the pain her now 66 year old mother was in, her liver spotted hands reaching for the picture frame to get a better look at it since her eyesight never being good to begin with was now nearly non existent.
"I do too mami but that's no reason to go and try to kill yourself." Natalie was silent and looked at her.
"I suppose so but I can't wait until my body gives out on me because every day without Billie is like an eternity, without his love I feel like I'm already dead." Veronica saw her mother let the tears fall she could never stand to be without him for a day but now she had no choice but to wait.
"I had a dream about him did I tell you?" Vero said wiping her mother's tears and sitting on the bed staring at her mami.
"You have his eyes so crystal green I miss his eyes so much."
"Did you hear me ma?"
"Yes baby I heard you what was your dream about," Natalie said a little reluctant to leave the daydreams of her deceased love.
"Well it was more like this memory but I don't know it's weird."
"Well what is it Greeny?"
"I was at yours and daddy's wedding and I was sitting in someone's lap looking at you and daddy as you walked down this aisle on a beach, then he proposed to you on the spot and you started to cry. It was really pretty and then after it was all done and you guys had said your vows papi came and he picked me up spinning me around over his head and I remember being really happy." Natalie just stared at her daughter.
"How can you remember that you were only 5 months old and there is only one video of that wedding but we lost it before you could even watch it." She was dumbfound that her 23 year old daughter would remember something like that.
"I'm telling you mami like right now looking at you this very moment I don't remember shit you could tell me you had that wedding in China and my ass would believe you, but in the dream it happened exactly like I just told you and I felt like I was right now 23 but watching that wedding." Natalie looked at her daughter who was less then a year old re-tell her her own wedding, it was truly a strange strange thing the way things worked out.
"What was I wearing baby?"
"This really pretty white dress and it had like hearts around it with black lace covering them and it had little pearls and hearts accenting and your hair was up and you had your hair in a bun and the tips of it were sticking out and dyed silver." Natalie couldn't speak anymore this was one of the most deja vu experiences she had ever had in her life.
"Greeny go get my photo album from the dresser will you bebeh?" She said pointing to a specific drawer. Veronica nodded and walked over opening it pulling out a big photo album that was actually quiet heavy.
"Here you go mami what are they of?" Vero said leaning in closely to get a good view of the pictures.
"These are pictures of our wedding and reception I have been meaning to show you but since you never really seemed interested-"
"Interested?! Mom I told you to tell me how you guys got married every night until I was ten! And your telling me I'm not interested lady I think your brain cells are dying." Natalie and Vero both laughed as Natalie remembered now.
"Oh yeah ha ha I'm sorry honey but once you hit 60 you tend to forget everything well look here. See this was us walking down the aisle. And here is when he proposed and no matter how long the photographer would have waited I would have still been crying." Natalie clowned on herself, remember how it took her nearly ten minutes to accept.
"Aww that's so cute and this looks exactly like my dream mom you looked so gorgeous in that dress like a true rock queen." Natalie laughed and nodded.
"Oh yes I knew that since the day I could sing I was destined to be a queen."
"Daddy looks so handsome in his suit." Vero said laying over her mothers leg resting her head on her thighs as Natalie smiled sadly.
"He could definitely work suits. Actually he worked pretty much everything he wore but i had a soft spot for the way he looked in suits so suave and elegant. He was pretty damn hard to keep track of though even at the wedding there were some skank ass supposed friends who wouldn't stop throwing themselves on him, and in return even some of my guy friends and his started hitting on me so we were staying together as much as possible looking back on it now. They had NO shame!" Vero laughed as her mother worked herself up.
"But nothing stands in the way of love mami as ever cheesy romance movie or novel has shown us since they were first thought up." Natalie chuckled and nodding.
"Yeah look here this is the beach we got married by, and this little devil girl is you." Veronica looked at herself, she had the biggest slobbering smile she had ever seen she looked like the Gerber baby, just cuter if she did say so herself.
"Aww look at me." Natalie laughed and nodded.
"Yeah you may be cute but just like your parents your Satan herself reincarnated. And her this is your father's first wife Adrienne."

THAT was her name...well close.

"And you didn't have any problems with her? I know you don't like to look for problems but this I could pass this was daddy's ex-wife it's not exactly normal for two women to be friends after sleeping with the same man."
"Well Adie was a very nice woman who helped me and your father through many problems we had when you were younger." Natalie looked at the picture of her late husband and his ex. The women were close but some how lost touch with all the passing years. She thought about Adrienne constantly, if she was still alive and is she was, was she OK? She even thought about the boys and no matter how much they hated her and their father's guts, she loved those boys almost as much as Billie and Adrienne. All it took for that love was the day they had accepted her as family no questions asked, which is why she still felt like a horrible person for having hurt them the way her and their father did. It wasn't meant to happen like that, Natalie hadn't even wanted it to happen but as life showed her you can't control fate. She wasn't complaining she loved her husband very deeply but the way their affair hurt the boys hurt Natalie too. She thought about them even more often then she thought about Adrienne, they crossed her mind whenever she looked at her children, thinking about how nice it could have been for them to get along. She thought about them when she would hear Billie Joe crying softly on special days like Joey's birthday or Jakob's graduation. Adrienne made sure to invite them to every event but Billie knew that his first born children didn't want him around, and to be scorned like that by flesh and blood all over again tore away at his soul. She thought about them at his funeral, they didn't go not even to the burial and it hurt her to think that this was all her fault. But she thought about them most when she looked at the pictures of her few weeks in the Armstrong residence, how happy they were just hugging her or how they wouldn't stop asking questions about her mother. She felt her eyes misting up and looked back at her daughter.
"Mom you are a strange strange woman," Natalie laughed.
"That my dear I've known since before you were born, so how are your brother and sister?" She asked sitting up removing the covers over her lap and getting up to walk to her closet. Veronica watched as her mother pulled out a bathrobe and her walker, she knew that this was the only time she left her room and enjoyed it. Natalie loved to leave the home and walk around the block at least or to the park to talk to her children or her friends. Veronica felt bad that she couldn't come see her mother as often as she would like, and it angered her even more that her siblings acted like they downright didn't give a shit about their mother. Carlos wouldn't be bothered to visit his sick mother not even once a week, and Rosie said her job was very demanding.

Right. Saleswoman at PacSun such demanding work.

Veronica fumed, it seemed that she was the only one who loved her mother, but her mother didn't care. Natalie loved all her children so much she believed all their excuses for not coming to see her more often without a shadow of a doubt.

"I'm sure you don't like to be bothered by having to come visit your old geezer of a mother." Natalie always smiled.
"Mom it's not that." They always lied.
"I'm sure it isn't, so let's not waste any of our time and go out for a walk."

And they almost never let her walk, Carlos and Rosa didn't want the responsibility of having to watch out for their mother so they put her in a wheelchair no matter how much she protested they said it was for her safety. Veronica still reeling in her thoughts nearly jumped out of her skin when her mother put a hand on her face.
"Aye baby! What's wrong? You look angry," Natalie said petting her daughters hair kissing the top of her head. Veronica just smiled and grabbed her mother's hand which was now stroking her cheek.
"Nothing ama I was just thinking so where to today?" she asked still holding her hand as they slowly walked out of her room.
"Can we go to the beach?" Natalie hadn't been to the beach in years and lately the urge to feel the ocean at her feet was strong. Veronica smiled sadly at her mother.
"Not today mami next time te lo prometo OK?" she said kissing Natalie's cheek and continuing their walk outside.
"OK baby next time, then how about we just go to the lake and dip our feet in the water?" Veronica smiled at her mother still young at heart.
"Of course let's go." The two women made their way slowly to lake talking and laughing having a lovely time laughing and catching up since her last visit nearly a week ago. At the lakes edge Veronica helped her mother sit and took her slippers off, then proceeded in removing her Vans and dipping her feet in the cool lake water. They sat in silence just feeling the cooling effect the water had on them, Veronica didn't want to talk about her siblings, she loved them but sometimes she didn't know if it was more out of priority or if it was deeply with all her heart. Because sometimes the fights they had were so catastrophic she would actually get to the point of chasing them around with kitchen knives, and feeling no remorse after she had gotten caught by her parents. But Natalie loved her children regardless of how much attention they paid to her, so she asked again.
"How are my babies." Veronica rolled her eyes.
"Not here." Natalie got mad.
"No dije donde dije como!" She started getting worked up and Veronica cringed she hated to upset her mother, because after losing her daddy all she had left was her mami.
"Perdon. They're fine, I guess but if they even gave a shit about you they'd be here telling you instead of me." Natalie sighed heavily and looked at her daughter with sad eyes.
"Pretty girl they have things more important then me in their lives."
"Like what mom?! Carlos doesn't even have a JOB! He's selling dope for a living and Rosie, she's working part time and not even going to school every day! They're living off of daddy's money and it's not right that they won't even visit you!" Greeny screamed at her poor mother who only blinked and listened. After what felt like an eternity of silence Natalie asked another question.
"And the triplets and Joni como estan?" Veronica smiled sadly.
"They're holding up best they can, Ubber might pick up smoking again which is something I don't know what I'm going to do with."
"Just let him smoke, you can't control him anymore then I could your father." Natalie said as a tear escaped her eyes. She wiped the tear away and stared at her feet down in the lake, she swished her feet kicking up a little bit of water and making it splash up.
"I know but I can try can't I?" Natalie laughed.
"So have you two eloped yet?"
"MOOOooooMMM!!!!" Veronica screamed.
"MOOOooooMMM!!!!"Natalie mimicked laughing at her daughters priceless expression.
"Please bebeh you love him almost more then I loved Billie or Andie love Tre, I don't know why you don't just get over it and ask him out." Natalie said matter-of-factly.
"That's NOT true! He's like a brother! I would never do that." Natalie gave her a look that said.

Yeah....Right....And your dad was my brother. Mhhmm

"STOPPP Maaaa!" Veronica whined.
"Aye OK! You big baby, haha and how are Jonny and Chio?"
"Fine. Roach got an internship at Aftermath, I asked her Dr. Dre's autograph if she sees him since daddy never would." Natalie laughed, she never understood why he wouldn't do it but he didn't get Vero the one autograph she would kill for.
"Assuming he's even well enough to even get out of his bed anymore."
"He's only like 90-something mom OK? And he's like the god of all things produced, He is the greatest fucking music man I've ever had the pleasure of idolizing." Natalie burst out in laughter as her daughter completely praised the rapper she herself loved when she was younger and still did.
"OK baby whatever you say, he's god on earth."
"Damn straight he is!" They both laughed and spent the rest of the afternoon, enjoying the other's presence. Laying back in the basking in the warm summer sun with their feet dipped into the cool lake water. The day seemed to pass to quickly because Veronica felt that the next time she blinked the sun was already beginning to set and Dusk was setting in. She sighed, this part of visiting her mother was always the worst. Having to say good-bye.
"Mami," Veronica said sitting up beginning to dry her feet out best she could.
"Yeah," Natalie said sleepily moving an arm over her face to keep the sun blocked out.
"Mami come on we gotta go," Veronica said splashing some of the lake's water on her mom.
"Ah! What the Fuck?!" Natalie screamed.
"We gotta go you know how they get when your late!" Natalie began to laugh loudly, this scenario reminded her so much of when her relationship with Billie first started. How she had to wake him up to keep them both from getting caught, but she never could unless she pretty much beat him. How she missed her "Loco" but Natalie didn't let Veronica see her tears again, instead she kept laughing and sat up.
"OK baby let's get going then." Veronica just stared at her mother as she helped her up and rolled her eyes.
"And to keep the youth of America off drugs I give you exhibit A."
"Bite off," Natalie mumbled, still chuckling. Veronica held her hand and they walked just as slowly back to the nursing home that was three blocks away. On the walk back Veronica looked at her mother, and thought about all the things she had been through, her father always talked about the strong woman his wife was, how she always somehow made it through anything that he either fucked up, or that life decided to throw at her, Natalie never liked to talk about it and hated even more when Billie would bring something up.

<center>"Would you shut up with my life's story already?" Natalie would scream when the kids were asleep after a story their dad told.
"Why? It's nothing you should have to hide!" Billie would defend.
"It's over with Billie Joe it's done we've moved on right?! So like you've told me countless times stop reliving the past!"
"You know that's something you would say! Fuck Natalie don't you see that your fucking life just one problem you've passed gives our kids the strength to want to keep fighting their OWN problems!"
"And in case you don't remember the only reason I EVER made it so fucking far was because I CUT! and I only made it farther because you were there I'm not half as strong as you make me out to be!" Natalie always ended up in tears, and Billie would always feel horrible and would hug his wife telling her she was strong and that she didn't need him to be the strong person she had been before him.
"Yes I do I need you now more then I ever did, if I lost you I don't know what I'd do." [i]center> Natalie always told him kissing him before he could say anything, kissing him to make him promise he'd always be there which he would. Veronica remembered all those fights vividly because she could never sleep through her parents fighting, through her teen years when they were bad Veronica would desperately wish for them to stay together often thinking their marriage of 16 years would end in a bitter divorce. Thankfully fighting was as common as eating a meal in the Armstrong household be it between the kids or the parents it was something that even though it was scary was never very threatening. They were getting closer to the retirement home when Veronica remembered about all the boxes she still had to sort through and the one or two she had. The journals stacked one on top of the other, the endless pictures to sort through and the one picture that she still had yet to figure out why her parents hadn't shown her or her siblings.
"Hey mom."
"Hey Vero."
"You know how daddy had other family." Natalie nodded and waited for her daughter to continue.
"Well I just wanted to know why we never really got to see them...or his other kids." Natalie stopped dead in her tracks.
"Wh-wh-what did you just say?" Veronica stopped in front of her mother.
"I'm not mad or anything it's just I was looking through the photo albums in all the old boxes at uncle Tre and tia Andie's and there pictures of papi's family and his two kids and-"
"Bebie." Natalie tried to interrupt.
"No mami listen, and Daddy looked so happy with his kids and his family I -"
"Bebeh." Natalie tried again becoming desperate.
"Ama! wait I just don't get why we-"
"VERONICA! I think I'm having a heart attack," Natalie said, gasping for breath, terrified and falling over from the pain in her chest. Veronica looked at her mother in panic she didn't know what to do, she was losing her mother and she didn't know what to do; she couldn't leave her but if she didn't do something soon enough her mother was going to die on the sidewalk.
"Mami! what do I do?! I don't know what to do! HELP!" Finally finding her voice and figuring out how to work her legs again Veronica ran as fast as she could to the nursing home to find anybody who could help.
I fucked up is all she kept thinking, once the nurses all got out to help her Veronica fell in a chair and broke down sobbing repeatedly.
"It's my fault it's all my fault I'm a bad daughter." She saw an ambulance drive up and hurried to see her mother get gurneyed in but they wouldn't let her in the ambulance before leaving. For once Veronica felt completely and utterly alone.