A Different Perspective, chapter 13
In the week that followed, I heard from my sister only once more to confirm that both Billie and I would be attending Thanksgiving Dinner at the old house and that was it. There was no emotion between us, just a simple, apathetic conversation that had basically went like this:
Danita: "You're coming to Thanksgiving, right?"
Me: "Yeah.. I'm sure, we are."
Danita: "Both of you?"
Me: "Yeah.."
Danita: "Good.." Awkward silence.
Me: "Well, okay, bye.."
But, that's how it was between my sister and myself and that's how it always has been, especially after my parents died. When they died, it was almost as if she did too, except for the now-and-then visits I was expected to make. It wasn't my fault - she's the one that told me, "Oh well," when I'd pleaded with her for her to keep me at her house until I was of age. Thank God for Jessica, or I would have drifted from foster home to foster home until my eighteenth birthday. I sighed as I looked over at Billie, who was discussing something with the movers - probably where my address was, or something. Since I'd pretty much unofficially moved in about a month or so back, and Billie was tired of having to drive me back and forth to get clothes and such, we'd just decided that I'd just officially move in. Besides, people were going to find out about us sooner or later, so why not just beat the tabloids and make it sooner? Or, at least, that was our logic.
"So, everything's taken care of. All we have to do is follow and put the stuff that doesn't need to go in a truck in my car," I heard Billie say as he approached me from behind. I turned around to face him and nodded.
"Allrighty," I said, forcing a smile as I sat there on his front steps, looking out into the distance. Billie plopped down next to me and looked out with me, the sun barely visible and the wind nipping at us.
"What's wrong?" He asked, not bothering to turn his gaze towards me, his eyes still fixated on the nothingness of our city.
"Nothing's wrong," I lied, fidgeting with that same hole in my converse. What color socks was I wearing today?
"You don't expect me to buy that, do you?" He asked, his voice lingering on the stale air that had come to surround me since my run-in with my sister. My eyes were set on that hole, which I could now see my striped socks through. Hmm. Striped.
"No.." I murmured, sighing. "I don't know, it's just ever since my sister.. I've been feeling all.. Emo like."
"Oh."
"It's just when I think about her I think about them.. I don't want to think about them," I rambled on, not really even following what I was saying, just sort of.. saying whatever came to my mind. Billie somehow managed to stay on my thought track, which I was grateful for.
"Sometimes," he said, all soft and gentle like as he slowly took my hand. "Sometimes you have to think about them, no matter how much it hurts or how hard it is."
"My parents.." I slowly breathed, and my face stinging with the attempt of holding back tears. "They died because of me. It's my fault and my sister blames it on me."
"It's not-" Billie began, but I shook my head.
"No, no it is. It's my fault they died.." My eyes were beginning to swell. "I.. I was always going against them - skipping classes, partying all the time.." I took a deep breath, trying to keep myself under control. "Everyone had finally had enough and I was called down to the office for some stupid shit. I think I spat a spitball at the sub's face or something.. My parents were waiting in the office for me and I heard my Principal say that I was suspended. To see.. To see the look in my father's eyes.. It killed me and I pleaded with the Principal, but she wouldn't budge." I could feel each drop slowly roll down my warm cheek, Billie pulling me closer to him. He held me there, safely in his arms, until I found my voice and could continue. "We walked out of there, my parents silent and sulky, which was worse than if they had actually been yelling at me and as we got into the car, my mother only said, 'I'm disappointed in you, Hayleigh.' Disappointed. That hurt so much worse.." I shook, sobbing harder as Billie pressed me against his chest.
"Shh.. It's okay.. It's okay.." He soothed and, again, held me until I could find my voice once more.
"I.. I kept making comments in the back until my Dad finally couldn't take it and turned his head, just for a second.. It was only a second.. Why.." I trailed off, as the bitter remembrance cast over me. "He looked back at me and said something when this.. this blinding light came into view and.." I started shaking uncontrollably as the thoughts washed upon the surface of my mind. "I felt a sharp pain and the next thing I knew, I was on the pavement, surrounded by blood and people and everything was so blurry.. My parents.. My parents didn't make it." My tears were coming harder and faster as my mind kept flashing back to the bits and pieces I remembered. I lowered my head, ashamed of everything. "And it's all my fault.." I whispered, choking on my tears. "If I hadn't.. If I had been better.." Billie's grip tightened around me as he shifted me and moved me onto his lap. I buried my head into his chest, hysterical as my breathing became shallow.
"It's not your fault," Billie said, tenderly brushing a piece of my hair behind my ear. "You can't keep telling yourself it is when it isn't. You couldn't have ever thought something like that was going to happen." He put his head on top of mine as we sat there, me buried into Billie and Billie holding me so close. I felt, for the first time in years, protected - like nothing could have hurt me then. I was loved and cared for now, someone who could relate to me in my losses and in so much more and just knowing that I could talk to him about that.. It lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders and my life, and a huge rush of relief came over me. Many people had told me before that it wasn't my fault, but somehow, hearing it from Billie made it so much more believable. I lifted my head to look up at him and gave him a faint smile as he brushed away my tears and lightly kissed my forehead. Any doubts in my mind about our relationship had melted away in that instant.
"Excuse me.." I looked up from Billie and at the guy in an orange jumpsuit staring down at us, slightly annoyed. "We have to get going.."
"Right, right.." I said, getting off of Billie and onto my feet. I helped Billie up and dusted off my pants.
"We'll follow behind," he said, nodding as he shut the door to the house and locked it, before we got into the black BMW and drove off after the moving truck.
When we arrived at my now old apartment, Jessica was there to help move my things, even though a bit teary eyed. I felt bad - I mean, a good seven years of my life had been spent with her and now it was just kinda like, Had fun, we should do this again sometime!
"I don't.. I don't have to move.." I said, although I we both knew I wanted to more than ever and as realization hit us both, I felt another pang of guilt.
"No, are you kidding me? Hayleigh, don't be upset," She said, forcing a half smile. I smiled weakly at her.
"I just.. I want us to still be.. us."
"And we will, it'll just take some getting used to, that's all.." Jessica's voice trailed off as she watched the movers pack the last of the boxes into the truck, rolling the metal covering shut and locking it. I looked up her, now teary eyed as well and reached out, hugging her. We sat there, in silence, as I felt her tremble as I had done so earlier in Billie's arms. She was crying and as much I tried not to, I felt a tear drop roll down - hot and unfamiliar on my cheek. We pulled apart slowly, and I rubbed her arms as she painfully smiled once more and I turned away. I couldn't face her just as I couldn't face my past. Billie walked over to us, giving me a questioning look and I slowly nodded, dragging my feet over to the car. I waved good bye to Jessica and as we started down the road, when I caught glimpse of her holding onto the stone hedge by the entrance to the complex, hunched over and crying. She represented everything my life used to be and as we slowly turned the corner, I could tell things weren't ever going to be the same.
- - -
I didn't hear from Jessica after that, as part of me was hoping she would call and check up on me like she used to. It wasn't that we had stop being friends, just that she was pissed at me and, frankly? I couldn't blame her. I had committed the ultimate friendship "no-no," which was abandon her for some guy. The only problem was he wasn't just "some" guy, he was the guy, the guy I'd known, even then, that I was going to love. Maybe not right at the moment, but I knew, deep down, how quickly my feelings were beginning to show. It was the little things he did that made living so worthwhile, like pretending he wasn't scared during a movie, even though we both knew he was. Like now, as we lay there on the couch, bundled up in a blanket, The Chainsaw Massacre playing on the screen.
"AHHHH!" A scream erupted through the house from the speakers, literally shaking the walls. Billie let out an exasperated scream and I looked up at him, shaking my head.
"I.. I wasn't paying attention and the scream startled me," he lied and I smirked.
"Oh sure, Billie. Blame it on that because you're not man enough to admit you're scared," I muttered, snuggling up closer to him.
"I'm not scared," he said, defensively, resting his head in the crook of my neck.
"Ahuh, you keep telling yourself that.." I said, when I felt something.. wet on my neck. "Billie?" I asked, eyebrow raised.
"Hmm?" He purred, not bothering to look up.
"Did you just lick my neck?"
"Mmmhmm.." My nose twitched as I wiped at the now wet spot on my neck. Billie shifted and kissed me softly as I turned over.
"If this is some lame excuse to try and get me to forget about you being sc-" He cut me off, pressing his lips against mine. He wanted me to shut up, that was obvious, but he could have gone a different route in doing so, instead of the one where his tongue was pressing against my own. Not that I was complaining or anything and just as his hand slid down my side, his phone went off. He sighed, head down near my chest as he rolled up and off the couch, picking up the phone and muttering curses to himself.
"Hello?" He asked, annoyed. I bit back a smile as he paced around in a circle, purely pissed off and peeved at whomever was on the phone. "What? Tonight? I completely - Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I'll try. Bye." He clicked it off and looked at me, somewhat worried. "Do you want to go to New York?"
"What?" I asked, blinking. "When?"
"Tonight.. In about.." He glanced up at the clock, fidgeting. "Twenty minutes?" I stared at him like he was out of his fucking mind. "Okay, I fucking forgot about a gig tomorrow and, well.. Yeah. You don't have to co-"
"No, I want to," I said, cutting him off. "Just give me a bit of warning next time.." Billie smiled a bit and glanced up at the clock again.
"Oh shit, we'd better pack and hurry over to SFO.." He said, practically running up the stairs. I laughed, shaking my head as I calmly followed and thought about what I would pack, something that seemed to become today's theme.
Danita: "You're coming to Thanksgiving, right?"
Me: "Yeah.. I'm sure, we are."
Danita: "Both of you?"
Me: "Yeah.."
Danita: "Good.." Awkward silence.
Me: "Well, okay, bye.."
But, that's how it was between my sister and myself and that's how it always has been, especially after my parents died. When they died, it was almost as if she did too, except for the now-and-then visits I was expected to make. It wasn't my fault - she's the one that told me, "Oh well," when I'd pleaded with her for her to keep me at her house until I was of age. Thank God for Jessica, or I would have drifted from foster home to foster home until my eighteenth birthday. I sighed as I looked over at Billie, who was discussing something with the movers - probably where my address was, or something. Since I'd pretty much unofficially moved in about a month or so back, and Billie was tired of having to drive me back and forth to get clothes and such, we'd just decided that I'd just officially move in. Besides, people were going to find out about us sooner or later, so why not just beat the tabloids and make it sooner? Or, at least, that was our logic.
"So, everything's taken care of. All we have to do is follow and put the stuff that doesn't need to go in a truck in my car," I heard Billie say as he approached me from behind. I turned around to face him and nodded.
"Allrighty," I said, forcing a smile as I sat there on his front steps, looking out into the distance. Billie plopped down next to me and looked out with me, the sun barely visible and the wind nipping at us.
"What's wrong?" He asked, not bothering to turn his gaze towards me, his eyes still fixated on the nothingness of our city.
"Nothing's wrong," I lied, fidgeting with that same hole in my converse. What color socks was I wearing today?
"You don't expect me to buy that, do you?" He asked, his voice lingering on the stale air that had come to surround me since my run-in with my sister. My eyes were set on that hole, which I could now see my striped socks through. Hmm. Striped.
"No.." I murmured, sighing. "I don't know, it's just ever since my sister.. I've been feeling all.. Emo like."
"Oh."
"It's just when I think about her I think about them.. I don't want to think about them," I rambled on, not really even following what I was saying, just sort of.. saying whatever came to my mind. Billie somehow managed to stay on my thought track, which I was grateful for.
"Sometimes," he said, all soft and gentle like as he slowly took my hand. "Sometimes you have to think about them, no matter how much it hurts or how hard it is."
"My parents.." I slowly breathed, and my face stinging with the attempt of holding back tears. "They died because of me. It's my fault and my sister blames it on me."
"It's not-" Billie began, but I shook my head.
"No, no it is. It's my fault they died.." My eyes were beginning to swell. "I.. I was always going against them - skipping classes, partying all the time.." I took a deep breath, trying to keep myself under control. "Everyone had finally had enough and I was called down to the office for some stupid shit. I think I spat a spitball at the sub's face or something.. My parents were waiting in the office for me and I heard my Principal say that I was suspended. To see.. To see the look in my father's eyes.. It killed me and I pleaded with the Principal, but she wouldn't budge." I could feel each drop slowly roll down my warm cheek, Billie pulling me closer to him. He held me there, safely in his arms, until I found my voice and could continue. "We walked out of there, my parents silent and sulky, which was worse than if they had actually been yelling at me and as we got into the car, my mother only said, 'I'm disappointed in you, Hayleigh.' Disappointed. That hurt so much worse.." I shook, sobbing harder as Billie pressed me against his chest.
"Shh.. It's okay.. It's okay.." He soothed and, again, held me until I could find my voice once more.
"I.. I kept making comments in the back until my Dad finally couldn't take it and turned his head, just for a second.. It was only a second.. Why.." I trailed off, as the bitter remembrance cast over me. "He looked back at me and said something when this.. this blinding light came into view and.." I started shaking uncontrollably as the thoughts washed upon the surface of my mind. "I felt a sharp pain and the next thing I knew, I was on the pavement, surrounded by blood and people and everything was so blurry.. My parents.. My parents didn't make it." My tears were coming harder and faster as my mind kept flashing back to the bits and pieces I remembered. I lowered my head, ashamed of everything. "And it's all my fault.." I whispered, choking on my tears. "If I hadn't.. If I had been better.." Billie's grip tightened around me as he shifted me and moved me onto his lap. I buried my head into his chest, hysterical as my breathing became shallow.
"It's not your fault," Billie said, tenderly brushing a piece of my hair behind my ear. "You can't keep telling yourself it is when it isn't. You couldn't have ever thought something like that was going to happen." He put his head on top of mine as we sat there, me buried into Billie and Billie holding me so close. I felt, for the first time in years, protected - like nothing could have hurt me then. I was loved and cared for now, someone who could relate to me in my losses and in so much more and just knowing that I could talk to him about that.. It lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders and my life, and a huge rush of relief came over me. Many people had told me before that it wasn't my fault, but somehow, hearing it from Billie made it so much more believable. I lifted my head to look up at him and gave him a faint smile as he brushed away my tears and lightly kissed my forehead. Any doubts in my mind about our relationship had melted away in that instant.
"Excuse me.." I looked up from Billie and at the guy in an orange jumpsuit staring down at us, slightly annoyed. "We have to get going.."
"Right, right.." I said, getting off of Billie and onto my feet. I helped Billie up and dusted off my pants.
"We'll follow behind," he said, nodding as he shut the door to the house and locked it, before we got into the black BMW and drove off after the moving truck.
When we arrived at my now old apartment, Jessica was there to help move my things, even though a bit teary eyed. I felt bad - I mean, a good seven years of my life had been spent with her and now it was just kinda like, Had fun, we should do this again sometime!
"I don't.. I don't have to move.." I said, although I we both knew I wanted to more than ever and as realization hit us both, I felt another pang of guilt.
"No, are you kidding me? Hayleigh, don't be upset," She said, forcing a half smile. I smiled weakly at her.
"I just.. I want us to still be.. us."
"And we will, it'll just take some getting used to, that's all.." Jessica's voice trailed off as she watched the movers pack the last of the boxes into the truck, rolling the metal covering shut and locking it. I looked up her, now teary eyed as well and reached out, hugging her. We sat there, in silence, as I felt her tremble as I had done so earlier in Billie's arms. She was crying and as much I tried not to, I felt a tear drop roll down - hot and unfamiliar on my cheek. We pulled apart slowly, and I rubbed her arms as she painfully smiled once more and I turned away. I couldn't face her just as I couldn't face my past. Billie walked over to us, giving me a questioning look and I slowly nodded, dragging my feet over to the car. I waved good bye to Jessica and as we started down the road, when I caught glimpse of her holding onto the stone hedge by the entrance to the complex, hunched over and crying. She represented everything my life used to be and as we slowly turned the corner, I could tell things weren't ever going to be the same.
- - -
I didn't hear from Jessica after that, as part of me was hoping she would call and check up on me like she used to. It wasn't that we had stop being friends, just that she was pissed at me and, frankly? I couldn't blame her. I had committed the ultimate friendship "no-no," which was abandon her for some guy. The only problem was he wasn't just "some" guy, he was the guy, the guy I'd known, even then, that I was going to love. Maybe not right at the moment, but I knew, deep down, how quickly my feelings were beginning to show. It was the little things he did that made living so worthwhile, like pretending he wasn't scared during a movie, even though we both knew he was. Like now, as we lay there on the couch, bundled up in a blanket, The Chainsaw Massacre playing on the screen.
"AHHHH!" A scream erupted through the house from the speakers, literally shaking the walls. Billie let out an exasperated scream and I looked up at him, shaking my head.
"I.. I wasn't paying attention and the scream startled me," he lied and I smirked.
"Oh sure, Billie. Blame it on that because you're not man enough to admit you're scared," I muttered, snuggling up closer to him.
"I'm not scared," he said, defensively, resting his head in the crook of my neck.
"Ahuh, you keep telling yourself that.." I said, when I felt something.. wet on my neck. "Billie?" I asked, eyebrow raised.
"Hmm?" He purred, not bothering to look up.
"Did you just lick my neck?"
"Mmmhmm.." My nose twitched as I wiped at the now wet spot on my neck. Billie shifted and kissed me softly as I turned over.
"If this is some lame excuse to try and get me to forget about you being sc-" He cut me off, pressing his lips against mine. He wanted me to shut up, that was obvious, but he could have gone a different route in doing so, instead of the one where his tongue was pressing against my own. Not that I was complaining or anything and just as his hand slid down my side, his phone went off. He sighed, head down near my chest as he rolled up and off the couch, picking up the phone and muttering curses to himself.
"Hello?" He asked, annoyed. I bit back a smile as he paced around in a circle, purely pissed off and peeved at whomever was on the phone. "What? Tonight? I completely - Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I'll try. Bye." He clicked it off and looked at me, somewhat worried. "Do you want to go to New York?"
"What?" I asked, blinking. "When?"
"Tonight.. In about.." He glanced up at the clock, fidgeting. "Twenty minutes?" I stared at him like he was out of his fucking mind. "Okay, I fucking forgot about a gig tomorrow and, well.. Yeah. You don't have to co-"
"No, I want to," I said, cutting him off. "Just give me a bit of warning next time.." Billie smiled a bit and glanced up at the clock again.
"Oh shit, we'd better pack and hurry over to SFO.." He said, practically running up the stairs. I laughed, shaking my head as I calmly followed and thought about what I would pack, something that seemed to become today's theme.
