Where Do Broken Hearts Go?, chapter 3
"Could you please leave so I can..."
"No I'm not leaving! I'm here weather you like it or not. So could you stop being so damned difficult." I shouted, cutting him off mid sentence.
"The room. Leave the room so I can fuckin get dressed will ya?" he said. I felt myself blush and gingerly walked into the hallway closing the door behind me. A few minutes later Billie emerged from the room. He walked downstairs and into the living room. I watched as he placed a note on Mike, who was passed out on the couch, and followed him as he walked out the front door.
"Are you gonna follow me every-fuckin-where I go?" he asked me.
"I have no where else to go." I said. Which was true even though I could stay with practically anyone since they wouldn't be able to see me anyways. "You might try being a little nicer to me. I mean, sure, I'm not exactly alive but I still can feel you know. I can feel hot and cold, and pain and hurt and sadness, and happiness." He didn't say anything, just continued the long walk to his car. "And loneliness." I said. This made him turn around and look at me. For a moment he looked pained, and maybe even grateful.
"Whatever. Just get in." he said motioning to the passenger seat of the car. I suppose it was progress. I mean at least he didn't leave me there. As I got into the car I remembered thinking that things probably wouldn't be too bad. Boy was I wrong. It had been almost a week and he still wasn't very nice to me. He wouldn't even talk to me. I basically just sat there, flipping through the channels on his tv, or watching him. Occasionally he'd go out with Mike and Tre, or go to the recording studio and meetings with his manager. One night we sat there watching tv together.
"Take a picture. It'll last longer." He said to me. I hadn't even realized I'd been staring. It was just that the glow of the tv on his face in the dark room made him look, well just, wow.
"I...I'm sorry." I said. It really hurt that he was so mean to me. I have to admit...I did have a bit of a crush on him. "You know you could try being more pleasant you know."
"I have no reason to be pleasant." he said turning away from me. "Life isn't rainbows and fuckin happy bunnies you know."
"Look your wife died 4 years ago. I know it hurts and you miss her, but you can't go through life being a miserable old bastard." I said, sounding harsher then I had wanted to. He looked at me and I noticed his eyes were welling up with tears.
"YOU DON'T KNOW A GOD DAMNED THING ABOUT THE PAIN THAT DEATH FUCKING CAUSES SO HAVE A LITTLE COMPLASSION." He shouted at me. I really lost it then.
"I don't?" I shouted. "I HAVE THE MOST COMPASSION YOU'LL EVER FUCKING GET. I THINK I MAY HAVE EXPERIENCED DEATH FIRST HAND DON'T YOU?" I kept going. I was a bomb that had just been unleashed, I couldn't be stopped. "Now you listen. I watched my best friend cry every night for about 5 months. I watched my boyfriend cry every night, then try to kill himself because he thought it was his fault. I think I know how much pain it causes, how much fucking pain and loneliness it causes. And I'd be able to help you if you would just fucking let me try. If you would stop being so afraid and just open up. I know how it feels ok?" I felt my own eyes fill up with tears, and before I knew it both of us were crying hysterically.
"Oh my God I'm so fucking sorry." He said. "I didn't mean to...well...you know." After that we actually talked, like really talked. He asked how I had died, and made sure to tell him about how Taylor had been madly in love with Mike. Just in case we ever found her in the future. I thought it was time I asked him a few questions of my own.
"So how did it happen?" I asked him, hoping he would open up to me.
"How did what happen?"
"How did she....how did she...well you know. How did Adrienne die?" When I asked him I was afraid he was going to flip out on me again.
"Oh that." he said. "Well it was four years ago, maybe a little more." he shuddered.
"You don't have to go on." I told him. "It's ok."
"No. I have to." he said continuing. "I got home from, fuck I don't even remember where, and she wasn't there. I figured she had taken the boys out you know? So I didn't think anything of it. I put my shit down and I checked the answering machine and there was a message from Mike. He said it was urgent and for me to get to the hospital right away cuz Adie was in an accident. Fuck I flew out the door and to the hospital as fast as I could, but when I got there she was already gone." He buried his head in his hands like he did the first day I had seen him up close at the cemetery. I didn't say anything, i just moved over closer and put my arm around him.
"She was driving down one of those rural streets and a semi hit her." he said flatly. "That's how it happened and I never even got to fucking say goodbye."
"Shhh." I said. "You may not have been able to say goodbye when she was alive, but she knows. She knows you love her and miss her. She knows you got there as fast as you could."
"She does?" he asked picking his head up.
"Yes. But I will tell you one thing. She certainly doesn't want you spend your life being miserable and lonely. I mean if it was you who died,...would you want her to spend the rest of her life alone??" I asked, playing with his hair. Jeeze what a time for me to decide to flirt. I thought.
"Well no. I'd expect her to find someone else. I'd want her to be happy and love again."
"That's how she feels too. She'll always know that you love her no matter what and that no one will take her place. You can love again Billie Joe. You can love with an entirely different piece of your heart." I said. I was surprised at how wise I sounded. I guess it was angels intuition.
"Thank you Charlie. Thank you so fucking much." He told me. I just smiled and we spent the rest of the night watching funny movies. I mentally apologized to God for using the word fuck so many times, and for having impure thoughts about Billie Joe. I remembered what I had told him about loving again, and tried push the hundreds of questions that were swimming around in my brain, to the back of my mind. I still couldn't help but wonder if it was possible for an angel and a human to fall in love. Because if it was, I was already screwed, and there was no turning back. Great. A heavenly heartbreak. I thought.
"No I'm not leaving! I'm here weather you like it or not. So could you stop being so damned difficult." I shouted, cutting him off mid sentence.
"The room. Leave the room so I can fuckin get dressed will ya?" he said. I felt myself blush and gingerly walked into the hallway closing the door behind me. A few minutes later Billie emerged from the room. He walked downstairs and into the living room. I watched as he placed a note on Mike, who was passed out on the couch, and followed him as he walked out the front door.
"Are you gonna follow me every-fuckin-where I go?" he asked me.
"I have no where else to go." I said. Which was true even though I could stay with practically anyone since they wouldn't be able to see me anyways. "You might try being a little nicer to me. I mean, sure, I'm not exactly alive but I still can feel you know. I can feel hot and cold, and pain and hurt and sadness, and happiness." He didn't say anything, just continued the long walk to his car. "And loneliness." I said. This made him turn around and look at me. For a moment he looked pained, and maybe even grateful.
"Whatever. Just get in." he said motioning to the passenger seat of the car. I suppose it was progress. I mean at least he didn't leave me there. As I got into the car I remembered thinking that things probably wouldn't be too bad. Boy was I wrong. It had been almost a week and he still wasn't very nice to me. He wouldn't even talk to me. I basically just sat there, flipping through the channels on his tv, or watching him. Occasionally he'd go out with Mike and Tre, or go to the recording studio and meetings with his manager. One night we sat there watching tv together.
"Take a picture. It'll last longer." He said to me. I hadn't even realized I'd been staring. It was just that the glow of the tv on his face in the dark room made him look, well just, wow.
"I...I'm sorry." I said. It really hurt that he was so mean to me. I have to admit...I did have a bit of a crush on him. "You know you could try being more pleasant you know."
"I have no reason to be pleasant." he said turning away from me. "Life isn't rainbows and fuckin happy bunnies you know."
"Look your wife died 4 years ago. I know it hurts and you miss her, but you can't go through life being a miserable old bastard." I said, sounding harsher then I had wanted to. He looked at me and I noticed his eyes were welling up with tears.
"YOU DON'T KNOW A GOD DAMNED THING ABOUT THE PAIN THAT DEATH FUCKING CAUSES SO HAVE A LITTLE COMPLASSION." He shouted at me. I really lost it then.
"I don't?" I shouted. "I HAVE THE MOST COMPASSION YOU'LL EVER FUCKING GET. I THINK I MAY HAVE EXPERIENCED DEATH FIRST HAND DON'T YOU?" I kept going. I was a bomb that had just been unleashed, I couldn't be stopped. "Now you listen. I watched my best friend cry every night for about 5 months. I watched my boyfriend cry every night, then try to kill himself because he thought it was his fault. I think I know how much pain it causes, how much fucking pain and loneliness it causes. And I'd be able to help you if you would just fucking let me try. If you would stop being so afraid and just open up. I know how it feels ok?" I felt my own eyes fill up with tears, and before I knew it both of us were crying hysterically.
"Oh my God I'm so fucking sorry." He said. "I didn't mean to...well...you know." After that we actually talked, like really talked. He asked how I had died, and made sure to tell him about how Taylor had been madly in love with Mike. Just in case we ever found her in the future. I thought it was time I asked him a few questions of my own.
"So how did it happen?" I asked him, hoping he would open up to me.
"How did what happen?"
"How did she....how did she...well you know. How did Adrienne die?" When I asked him I was afraid he was going to flip out on me again.
"Oh that." he said. "Well it was four years ago, maybe a little more." he shuddered.
"You don't have to go on." I told him. "It's ok."
"No. I have to." he said continuing. "I got home from, fuck I don't even remember where, and she wasn't there. I figured she had taken the boys out you know? So I didn't think anything of it. I put my shit down and I checked the answering machine and there was a message from Mike. He said it was urgent and for me to get to the hospital right away cuz Adie was in an accident. Fuck I flew out the door and to the hospital as fast as I could, but when I got there she was already gone." He buried his head in his hands like he did the first day I had seen him up close at the cemetery. I didn't say anything, i just moved over closer and put my arm around him.
"She was driving down one of those rural streets and a semi hit her." he said flatly. "That's how it happened and I never even got to fucking say goodbye."
"Shhh." I said. "You may not have been able to say goodbye when she was alive, but she knows. She knows you love her and miss her. She knows you got there as fast as you could."
"She does?" he asked picking his head up.
"Yes. But I will tell you one thing. She certainly doesn't want you spend your life being miserable and lonely. I mean if it was you who died,...would you want her to spend the rest of her life alone??" I asked, playing with his hair. Jeeze what a time for me to decide to flirt. I thought.
"Well no. I'd expect her to find someone else. I'd want her to be happy and love again."
"That's how she feels too. She'll always know that you love her no matter what and that no one will take her place. You can love again Billie Joe. You can love with an entirely different piece of your heart." I said. I was surprised at how wise I sounded. I guess it was angels intuition.
"Thank you Charlie. Thank you so fucking much." He told me. I just smiled and we spent the rest of the night watching funny movies. I mentally apologized to God for using the word fuck so many times, and for having impure thoughts about Billie Joe. I remembered what I had told him about loving again, and tried push the hundreds of questions that were swimming around in my brain, to the back of my mind. I still couldn't help but wonder if it was possible for an angel and a human to fall in love. Because if it was, I was already screwed, and there was no turning back. Great. A heavenly heartbreak. I thought.
