Violence of Summer, chapter 44
February 2003
"It's so good to have you back. It was so empty here without the both of you, you know. Especially when the boys were on tour. Just me with Jakob and Joey keeping me company." Adrienne chuckled.
"Oh Adie," Sid sighed, blowing out the cigarette smoke as it twirled in the light breeze, "I missed you too. I know I wouldn't be able to stay away from home for much longer." She smiled.
"Let's admit it, you needed to get away right? I mean I hate to think what would've happened to you and Mike if you did stay. It could've been way nastier."
Sid nodded in agreement, leaning back in the chair, looking out at the grass of the Armstrong's backyard.
"So tell me, Adie," Sid said, looking back at her friend, "how's life?"
Adrienne chuckled lightly. "Oh it's just normal. Trying to keep sane all the time, you know?"
Sid looked down at the ashtray on the table, then back at Adie as their eyes met.
"You're thinking what I'm thinking, aren't you?" Adrienne said seriously.
"I don't know, you tell me. Mike hasn't talked to me about it, I just presume that everything is okay, but I know it isn't."
Adie shook her head, sighing out heavily. "It's tearing Billie apart deep down, you know? I don't think we can go on much longer as a family with him in this state, Sid. I mean, he hasn't talked to his two best friends in five months! It's just not right."
Sid bit her lip nervously. "They'll come around. The three of them are all being as ignorant as each other. 'Well he hasn't contacted me, so I'm not gonna contact him', it just goes around in circles."
"Green Day was his life Sid," Adrienne pointed out.
"Well then you have to show him that that isn't true. You should be his life. Joey and Jake should be his life."
"I know, I know, but you try convincing Billie that fact. He's not Mike, Sid. It's not easy being married to Billie Joe Armstrong." Adrienne smiled. Sid laughed lightly stubbing out her finished cigarette. "Have you talked to Tre at all lately?" Adrienne suddenly asked.
"Yeah, actually a few weeks ago I called him." Sid swallowed.
"Something's missing, isn't it?"
"Something's always been missing in that guy's life. A certain girl called Charlotte pops into mind." Sid smiled.
"He should go visit her," Adrienne said, shaking her head. "She ripped his heart out and took it with her to New York. It's about time he went and got it back."
"Shit, Adie," Sid sighed. "It's been three years since they talked. Don't you find that crazy? You couldn't get those two to fucking shut up in the past."
"Yeah, you never met Ricky." Adrienne leaned back in her chair crossing her legs over one another.
"No, I didn't," Sid admitted, "but I heard a lot about him. From Charlie it was: 'He's great, he's good looking, he's rich, I couldn't pick a better one Sid!', and then from Tre it was: 'He's a complete idiot, Charlie doesn't deserve him, their not right for each other!' What the hell was I supposed to think about this guy? Next I hear, he's left her on the doorstep when she was about to pop."
Adrienne nodded looking ahead of her. "He was something alright. Tre went mad. For days and days he planned on how he wanted to get revenge on him. Billie had to talk him out of hunting the guy down." Sid started laughing as Adie looked at her smiling. "It's true. He was pretty pissed."
"Poor Charlie," Sid said, pouring herself another drink from the jug. "What possessed her to have a baby with that man?"
"Well, they were married. It's usually what married couples do. Start families, drive each other crazy... "
"Oh Adie, I've totally lost track of time, I have to go pick up Ryan from my mother's and meet Mike downtown."
Just then, the doors leading out into the garden slid open as the two women turned their heads to see Billie coming out into the garden. Looking slightly tired and worn out, he smiled wearily at Sid and Adie.
"There you are," he said, quietly kissing Adie on the cheek.
"Did you pick up the boys?" Adrienne asked, brushing some hair from her husband's forehead.
Billie nodded his head, looking down at his wife. "Yeah, they're hyper active and hungry."
Sid laughed, getting up out of her chair. "Well I'll be off, then."
Billie stood up straight, sticking his hands in his pockets. "How are you, Sidney?"
"I'm good BJ," Sid said, going forward kissing him on the cheek lightly as Adrienne went into the house to feed her hungry sons.
"Everything good? Family and stuff."
"Everything's fine. What about you, though? You know you're looking really strung out," Sid joked, hitting him on the arm.
Billie's mouth curled into a smile, nudging Sid with his elbow. "I'm just tired. Really, really fucking tired. I can't sleep...I can't eat, I can't fuck." He sighed heavily, looking at Sid seriously. "How's Mike?" he whispered as if he was scared of anyone hearing him talk about his friend.
"He's good...he's doing okay." She nodded. "Just call him, Billie," she said, shaking her head. "I'll talk to you later, I gotta go."
Sid squeezed Billie's arm before leaving the garden, going into the house to say good-bye to Adrienne. Billie slumped down in the garden chair as he slung his arms out either side of him. He stretched his legs out, looking ahead of him, frowning deep in thought. After a few minutes, he looked up to see his wife standing in front of him.
"Are you okay, honey? You don't look too well."
Billie shook his head yawning. "Nah, I'm fine baby, I'm just tired... " He looked up at her face, seeing she wasn't impressed. "Really... " he tried to convince. "Please don't look at me like that, baby."
Adrienne kneeled down in front of him, running a hand through his messy black hair. "Billie, please. You're not well. You're stressed out."
"Well yeah, I mean why shouldn't I be? I'm a fucking mess, Adie, I'm putting on weight, I can't write anymore, you don't wanna sleep with me."
"You can't keep waking up in the morning thinking like this, Bill. You need to fucking relax, this is why you're stressing yourself out." Billie tutted, avoiding her gaze. "Like this morning, you woke up and weighed yourself and found out you've put on a few pounds, it's not the way to start your day!"
"It's not just that. I fucking... " Billie sighed mid-sentence. "I dunno."
"You can't tour all your life, Billie. Can't you just stay in one place? Where you belong? With your family?"
Billie looked at his wife, lifting his hand to her face. He looked into those beautiful brown eyes he had fallen in love with many years ago. "I love you... " Billie whispered. "Just remember that."
Adrienne frowned at her husband as he took his hand from her face standing up. "Where are you going?" she asked as Billie turned around, walking towards the house. "Billie!" she called after him. When she didn't get an answer, she just sighed out heavily, letting him go.
***
It was ten to midnight when Billie stepped foot in the silent house. He dropped his coat on the floor carelessly, making his way upstairs quietly. Just as he was making his way down the corridor, he stopped outside his son's room, resting his body against the door frame, watching them sleep peacefully.
After a few seconds, Joseph stirred in his sleep, opening his eyes slowly, seeing his father's outline standing by the door way.
"Dad, is that you?" Joey asked quietly.
"Yeah," Billie grumbled. "Go back to sleep Joey, you'll wake your brother... "
Joey shifted himself up on his elbows, squinting at Billie. "Why were you so late home?" the eight year old asked curiously. Billie came into the room, slowly stopping at the foot of his son's bed, looking down at Joey.
"Just had some things to do... "
"We missed you Daddy," Jakob suddenly said from the bed next to his brother's.
Billie looked at his two boys that were looking back at him. He felt himself shrivel up right there. He had never felt so small in all his life.
"Come here," Billie said quietly, holding his arms out as Joey and Jakob went forward and hugged their father.
"Please don't go away again, Daddy," Jakob said, looking up at his father. "Mummy cries when you're gone."
Billie swallowed the lump in his throat, flattening Jakob's jet black hair that was messily arranged on the top of his head. He paused for a few seconds, not quite sure how to respond. Is that what he had reduced her to? How was he supposed to live with that now? Knowing that every time he was away, getting wasted, his sons were at home, watching their mother fall apart. What kind of father did that make him?
"It's okay son. Things are gonna get better from now on, I promise." Billie felt his stomach turn with guilt. Something in the back of his mind was telling Billie that it wasn't going to get better...
Jakob smiled at his dad lying back down in bed as Joey pulled away from his father, climbing back under the covers.
"Now go to sleep its late okay," Billie said, standing up straight.
"'Night dad," the boys said in unison.
"Goodnight." Billie shut the door quietly on his way out, surprised to see Adrienne standing in the corridor next to the boy's bedroom door.
Billie looked at his wife for a long time before tearing his eyes away, looking at the floor. He said nothing, just turned around, making his way into their bedroom. Adrienne followed him slowly, going over to her husband.
"Did you mean it?" she asked quietly as Billie Joe looked up at her.
"Mean what?"
"What you said. 'Things are gonna get better'. Did you mean it?"
Billie shrugged, pulling his t-shirt up over his head, throwing it aside. "I hope so... "
Adrienne took in a breath, going over to the bed, sitting on the edge, watching Billie un-dress. "I know this is hard for you," she suddenly said after a few moments silence, "but it's hard for me too. I just want you to love me again, Billie."
Billie stopped what he was doing, looking at Adrienne who was watching his every move. He went forward, kneeling in front of her, placing his elbows on the bed. "I still love you," Billie breathed.
"We don't say it enough."
Billie placed a hand on his forehead, rubbing his eyes. "I'm so tired Adie." He trembled. "I feel like my life is crumbling right in front of my eyes. I just want to be a husband. I just wanna be a father, but I feel like I can't. It hurts so much. I love you so much."
Adrienne took Billie's head, lifting it up so he was looking at her. He brought himself up to sit next to her on the bed, wiping away her tears that had fallen from her eyes. "You can. You are. I just want you, Billie, the kids just want you, and you don't have to give anything more than that."
Billie nodded his head, embracing her tightly as she wrapped her arms around his waist. "If you want me baby, then it's me you're gonna get."
"It's so good to have you back. It was so empty here without the both of you, you know. Especially when the boys were on tour. Just me with Jakob and Joey keeping me company." Adrienne chuckled.
"Oh Adie," Sid sighed, blowing out the cigarette smoke as it twirled in the light breeze, "I missed you too. I know I wouldn't be able to stay away from home for much longer." She smiled.
"Let's admit it, you needed to get away right? I mean I hate to think what would've happened to you and Mike if you did stay. It could've been way nastier."
Sid nodded in agreement, leaning back in the chair, looking out at the grass of the Armstrong's backyard.
"So tell me, Adie," Sid said, looking back at her friend, "how's life?"
Adrienne chuckled lightly. "Oh it's just normal. Trying to keep sane all the time, you know?"
Sid looked down at the ashtray on the table, then back at Adie as their eyes met.
"You're thinking what I'm thinking, aren't you?" Adrienne said seriously.
"I don't know, you tell me. Mike hasn't talked to me about it, I just presume that everything is okay, but I know it isn't."
Adie shook her head, sighing out heavily. "It's tearing Billie apart deep down, you know? I don't think we can go on much longer as a family with him in this state, Sid. I mean, he hasn't talked to his two best friends in five months! It's just not right."
Sid bit her lip nervously. "They'll come around. The three of them are all being as ignorant as each other. 'Well he hasn't contacted me, so I'm not gonna contact him', it just goes around in circles."
"Green Day was his life Sid," Adrienne pointed out.
"Well then you have to show him that that isn't true. You should be his life. Joey and Jake should be his life."
"I know, I know, but you try convincing Billie that fact. He's not Mike, Sid. It's not easy being married to Billie Joe Armstrong." Adrienne smiled. Sid laughed lightly stubbing out her finished cigarette. "Have you talked to Tre at all lately?" Adrienne suddenly asked.
"Yeah, actually a few weeks ago I called him." Sid swallowed.
"Something's missing, isn't it?"
"Something's always been missing in that guy's life. A certain girl called Charlotte pops into mind." Sid smiled.
"He should go visit her," Adrienne said, shaking her head. "She ripped his heart out and took it with her to New York. It's about time he went and got it back."
"Shit, Adie," Sid sighed. "It's been three years since they talked. Don't you find that crazy? You couldn't get those two to fucking shut up in the past."
"Yeah, you never met Ricky." Adrienne leaned back in her chair crossing her legs over one another.
"No, I didn't," Sid admitted, "but I heard a lot about him. From Charlie it was: 'He's great, he's good looking, he's rich, I couldn't pick a better one Sid!', and then from Tre it was: 'He's a complete idiot, Charlie doesn't deserve him, their not right for each other!' What the hell was I supposed to think about this guy? Next I hear, he's left her on the doorstep when she was about to pop."
Adrienne nodded looking ahead of her. "He was something alright. Tre went mad. For days and days he planned on how he wanted to get revenge on him. Billie had to talk him out of hunting the guy down." Sid started laughing as Adie looked at her smiling. "It's true. He was pretty pissed."
"Poor Charlie," Sid said, pouring herself another drink from the jug. "What possessed her to have a baby with that man?"
"Well, they were married. It's usually what married couples do. Start families, drive each other crazy... "
"Oh Adie, I've totally lost track of time, I have to go pick up Ryan from my mother's and meet Mike downtown."
Just then, the doors leading out into the garden slid open as the two women turned their heads to see Billie coming out into the garden. Looking slightly tired and worn out, he smiled wearily at Sid and Adie.
"There you are," he said, quietly kissing Adie on the cheek.
"Did you pick up the boys?" Adrienne asked, brushing some hair from her husband's forehead.
Billie nodded his head, looking down at his wife. "Yeah, they're hyper active and hungry."
Sid laughed, getting up out of her chair. "Well I'll be off, then."
Billie stood up straight, sticking his hands in his pockets. "How are you, Sidney?"
"I'm good BJ," Sid said, going forward kissing him on the cheek lightly as Adrienne went into the house to feed her hungry sons.
"Everything good? Family and stuff."
"Everything's fine. What about you, though? You know you're looking really strung out," Sid joked, hitting him on the arm.
Billie's mouth curled into a smile, nudging Sid with his elbow. "I'm just tired. Really, really fucking tired. I can't sleep...I can't eat, I can't fuck." He sighed heavily, looking at Sid seriously. "How's Mike?" he whispered as if he was scared of anyone hearing him talk about his friend.
"He's good...he's doing okay." She nodded. "Just call him, Billie," she said, shaking her head. "I'll talk to you later, I gotta go."
Sid squeezed Billie's arm before leaving the garden, going into the house to say good-bye to Adrienne. Billie slumped down in the garden chair as he slung his arms out either side of him. He stretched his legs out, looking ahead of him, frowning deep in thought. After a few minutes, he looked up to see his wife standing in front of him.
"Are you okay, honey? You don't look too well."
Billie shook his head yawning. "Nah, I'm fine baby, I'm just tired... " He looked up at her face, seeing she wasn't impressed. "Really... " he tried to convince. "Please don't look at me like that, baby."
Adrienne kneeled down in front of him, running a hand through his messy black hair. "Billie, please. You're not well. You're stressed out."
"Well yeah, I mean why shouldn't I be? I'm a fucking mess, Adie, I'm putting on weight, I can't write anymore, you don't wanna sleep with me."
"You can't keep waking up in the morning thinking like this, Bill. You need to fucking relax, this is why you're stressing yourself out." Billie tutted, avoiding her gaze. "Like this morning, you woke up and weighed yourself and found out you've put on a few pounds, it's not the way to start your day!"
"It's not just that. I fucking... " Billie sighed mid-sentence. "I dunno."
"You can't tour all your life, Billie. Can't you just stay in one place? Where you belong? With your family?"
Billie looked at his wife, lifting his hand to her face. He looked into those beautiful brown eyes he had fallen in love with many years ago. "I love you... " Billie whispered. "Just remember that."
Adrienne frowned at her husband as he took his hand from her face standing up. "Where are you going?" she asked as Billie turned around, walking towards the house. "Billie!" she called after him. When she didn't get an answer, she just sighed out heavily, letting him go.
***
It was ten to midnight when Billie stepped foot in the silent house. He dropped his coat on the floor carelessly, making his way upstairs quietly. Just as he was making his way down the corridor, he stopped outside his son's room, resting his body against the door frame, watching them sleep peacefully.
After a few seconds, Joseph stirred in his sleep, opening his eyes slowly, seeing his father's outline standing by the door way.
"Dad, is that you?" Joey asked quietly.
"Yeah," Billie grumbled. "Go back to sleep Joey, you'll wake your brother... "
Joey shifted himself up on his elbows, squinting at Billie. "Why were you so late home?" the eight year old asked curiously. Billie came into the room, slowly stopping at the foot of his son's bed, looking down at Joey.
"Just had some things to do... "
"We missed you Daddy," Jakob suddenly said from the bed next to his brother's.
Billie looked at his two boys that were looking back at him. He felt himself shrivel up right there. He had never felt so small in all his life.
"Come here," Billie said quietly, holding his arms out as Joey and Jakob went forward and hugged their father.
"Please don't go away again, Daddy," Jakob said, looking up at his father. "Mummy cries when you're gone."
Billie swallowed the lump in his throat, flattening Jakob's jet black hair that was messily arranged on the top of his head. He paused for a few seconds, not quite sure how to respond. Is that what he had reduced her to? How was he supposed to live with that now? Knowing that every time he was away, getting wasted, his sons were at home, watching their mother fall apart. What kind of father did that make him?
"It's okay son. Things are gonna get better from now on, I promise." Billie felt his stomach turn with guilt. Something in the back of his mind was telling Billie that it wasn't going to get better...
Jakob smiled at his dad lying back down in bed as Joey pulled away from his father, climbing back under the covers.
"Now go to sleep its late okay," Billie said, standing up straight.
"'Night dad," the boys said in unison.
"Goodnight." Billie shut the door quietly on his way out, surprised to see Adrienne standing in the corridor next to the boy's bedroom door.
Billie looked at his wife for a long time before tearing his eyes away, looking at the floor. He said nothing, just turned around, making his way into their bedroom. Adrienne followed him slowly, going over to her husband.
"Did you mean it?" she asked quietly as Billie Joe looked up at her.
"Mean what?"
"What you said. 'Things are gonna get better'. Did you mean it?"
Billie shrugged, pulling his t-shirt up over his head, throwing it aside. "I hope so... "
Adrienne took in a breath, going over to the bed, sitting on the edge, watching Billie un-dress. "I know this is hard for you," she suddenly said after a few moments silence, "but it's hard for me too. I just want you to love me again, Billie."
Billie stopped what he was doing, looking at Adrienne who was watching his every move. He went forward, kneeling in front of her, placing his elbows on the bed. "I still love you," Billie breathed.
"We don't say it enough."
Billie placed a hand on his forehead, rubbing his eyes. "I'm so tired Adie." He trembled. "I feel like my life is crumbling right in front of my eyes. I just want to be a husband. I just wanna be a father, but I feel like I can't. It hurts so much. I love you so much."
Adrienne took Billie's head, lifting it up so he was looking at her. He brought himself up to sit next to her on the bed, wiping away her tears that had fallen from her eyes. "You can. You are. I just want you, Billie, the kids just want you, and you don't have to give anything more than that."
Billie nodded his head, embracing her tightly as she wrapped her arms around his waist. "If you want me baby, then it's me you're gonna get."
