Trashing The White House, chapter 14
They sat and talked and laughed all night just trying to get it out of Billie to try to help him but it didn't work... the morning came... and still Billie had not told Mike what the problem was... but now there were two problems one was Mike had to get the truth out of Billie but then he had to also help him get over his problem... but Mike thought to himself what is his problem... what the hell could it be?... Billie had always had problems but none that were that bad that he needed his best friends help that desperately that he came out and said he had a problem and needed help what could his problem be? Just then the others came in to say good morning, but they came in and saw Mike and had a different question. Why was Mike in the room? Was he still in there from last night when they had to "talk"? what had they done?
"What the hell are you still doing in here?" Jessica asked.
"Nothing just talking." Mike answered her.
"About what." Katie said.
Billie looked at mi=Mike in a way that we know not to tell them that he had a problem so bad he needed to talk with someone. So Mike thought, thought, and thought until it hit him what he could say.
"Well he had to talk about how he was going to handle it if he couldn't play anymore." Mike finally got out.
"Oh, ok." Tre said with a little more confused than before.
"Yeah, I still don't know what I'm going to do if I can't."
"Its ok you still might be able to play." Jessica tried to comfort him.
"Yeah, let's just hope for the best... " Katie did the same.
After that nothing really happened. Everyone just sat and talked to Billie, trying to make him feel better about the predicament he was in. So far it was working, but all of a sudden he got upset he went crazy. Mike told everyone to leave the room, and to let him handle it. When everyone had left Mike comforted Billie. He was having a panic attack, that of which he hadn't had in at least 5 years. So naturally Mike started to freak out. Why was he having one now? Again, the question came up... What was his problem?... There were so many unanswered question, but Mike just tried to calm him. "Breathe Billie, just breathe" Mike said over and over again. But it wasn't working... Something was different about this panic attack... but what?... What the hell is the problem? He thought to himself... What could it be? Then all of a sudden it stop... right then and there everything stopped...
"Are you ok Billie?"
"I am now thanks."
"I didn't do anything."
"Then what the hell happened to me?"
"I have no damn clue. I might know but you wont tell me what your fucking problem is."
"Well I'm sorry but you know how hard it is for me to talk about things like that."
"Yeah, your right. I'm sorry I didn't mean to yell at you. I am just worried about you. I mean you haven't had a panic attack in 5 years."
"Damn it Mike I know, but why?"
"I don't know I thought maybe it had something to do with your problem what ever it is."
"Shit that is it... oh god."
"WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM YOU SAID THAT YOU NEEDED HELP!"
Right when he said that everyone else walked in. So everyone now knew that he had a problem. But what would they say?... would they want to know? Billie thought to himself as the others just stared at them. He wanted to tell them all but if we couldn't even tell his fucking best friend how could he tell everyone else? For about five minutes they just stood there staring at each other. When finally Jessica broke the silence.
"Billie what is your problem, and why didn't you tell me about it? I mean I love you."
"I cant even tell my best friend... and I didn't want to worry you guys about it. I thought that it would hurt you guys more than it would help me."
"You know that we will always be here for you. Just tell us all. Tell us what your problem is." Katie said.
"Um... I... um... can't... I can't... I can't stop... well I feel like nothing is the same and that well I miss those days... and that... well I had just started... um hurting myself... well before the accident... "
"Oh my god Billie why didn't you tell us this... this is more than a problem it is a bad habit that probably caused your panic attack... Why would you start that?" Jessica said with the tears starting to roll down her cheeks.
Right then Billie stared at Mike in the way he did earlier that day... the way that said you tell them and your dead... but Mike had to tell them. What else was their to do... it was a part of Billie Joe's past that he never wanted to bring up, but this forced Mike to tell everyone.
"I have to tell them, Billie." Mike said to his best friend.
"Tell us what? What the hell are you hiding from us?" Jessica yelled.
"Shit Mike just don't tell them I haven't told anyone but you... god please don't tell them."
"I have to they need to know... you can't hide it any longer... the truth has to be told."
Mike looked at Billie, he was his best friend. He didn't want to hurt him, he could never hurt him willingly, but he had to tell them. If he didn't tell them now, Billie's problem would only get worse.
"Well... um... this isn't the first time that he has had this problem... he well um... he had this problem many times before."
"Why in the hell would you tell them Mike?... I thought that you were my best friend... Why?"
"Billie if I hadn't told them... the people that will always be there for you... then this time it would only be worse... Billie I did for your own good... I did it to help you... "
"That's bullshit Mike... bullshit... don't tell me that... you did it so you could destroy me... "
"Don't talk like that Billie he is your best friend why would he want to hurt you? How could he hurt you?" Jessica said trying to help out him but it wasn't to working.
"Why don't you ask him that."
"Billie I would never want to hurt you... I wanted to help you... "
"Your just repeating yourself Mike, and your just lying over and over again... you don't care about what happens to me."
"Stop this shit Billie... you know that we wouldn't want to hurt you... why are you acting this way all of a sudden?" Katie asked.
"I never wanted to bring this part of my past up... because that is just what it is the past... "
"But when you stopped doing that your panic attacks stopped... and now that you have started doing it again they came back... why don't you just believe me that I was only trying to help you... "
"Well I guess that you have a point there... but still why did you tell them if you knew it would hurt me?"
"Because it will help you get over this problem that you started and I thought that you stopped a long time ago... "
"Ok I guess your right I will try to stop it but I will probably need your help but I don't want the rest of you to worry about me... "
"I won't." Lindsay answered first.
"Yeah, I won't either."
"Same here."
"I will try but it will be hard." Jessica said last.
Then the doctor walked in with the news that Billie Joe would be able to play the guitar but he would have to work very hard. They all knew that he would be dealing with a lot of things so they thought they would try to help him as much as they could with out making him mad. They all knew that I would be hard to get though this, but they also knew that he could not do it alone. They only had to get him to believe that.
Days past when Billie could finally play the guitar again. They didn't know if he would be able to play full shows without having problems, but he would not let that happen we would play every single day. It was incredible the way his eyes would light up every time that he would pick up a guitar, Jessica thought to herself. The way that his green eyes would just stare in to space like he didn't have a worry in the world. She had no clue how or why he would hurt himself like he was. Then she felt a hand on her shoulder that made her jump a foot off the ground.
"Mike you scared the shit out of me!" she yelled.
"Sorry. Doesn't he look peace when he plays."
"It makes you think... doesn't it?"
"Yeah, like why he could do hurt himself."
"Exactly."
"Don't beat yourself up over this. He wouldn't want it."
"I know, but I just think that somehow this is my fault."
"I told you not to worry about me!" Billie screamed.
"What the hell do you want to? Sit down and put it in the back of my head? Well I can't do that because I love you... I love you Billie Joe Armstrong."
"What the hell are you still doing in here?" Jessica asked.
"Nothing just talking." Mike answered her.
"About what." Katie said.
Billie looked at mi=Mike in a way that we know not to tell them that he had a problem so bad he needed to talk with someone. So Mike thought, thought, and thought until it hit him what he could say.
"Well he had to talk about how he was going to handle it if he couldn't play anymore." Mike finally got out.
"Oh, ok." Tre said with a little more confused than before.
"Yeah, I still don't know what I'm going to do if I can't."
"Its ok you still might be able to play." Jessica tried to comfort him.
"Yeah, let's just hope for the best... " Katie did the same.
After that nothing really happened. Everyone just sat and talked to Billie, trying to make him feel better about the predicament he was in. So far it was working, but all of a sudden he got upset he went crazy. Mike told everyone to leave the room, and to let him handle it. When everyone had left Mike comforted Billie. He was having a panic attack, that of which he hadn't had in at least 5 years. So naturally Mike started to freak out. Why was he having one now? Again, the question came up... What was his problem?... There were so many unanswered question, but Mike just tried to calm him. "Breathe Billie, just breathe" Mike said over and over again. But it wasn't working... Something was different about this panic attack... but what?... What the hell is the problem? He thought to himself... What could it be? Then all of a sudden it stop... right then and there everything stopped...
"Are you ok Billie?"
"I am now thanks."
"I didn't do anything."
"Then what the hell happened to me?"
"I have no damn clue. I might know but you wont tell me what your fucking problem is."
"Well I'm sorry but you know how hard it is for me to talk about things like that."
"Yeah, your right. I'm sorry I didn't mean to yell at you. I am just worried about you. I mean you haven't had a panic attack in 5 years."
"Damn it Mike I know, but why?"
"I don't know I thought maybe it had something to do with your problem what ever it is."
"Shit that is it... oh god."
"WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM YOU SAID THAT YOU NEEDED HELP!"
Right when he said that everyone else walked in. So everyone now knew that he had a problem. But what would they say?... would they want to know? Billie thought to himself as the others just stared at them. He wanted to tell them all but if we couldn't even tell his fucking best friend how could he tell everyone else? For about five minutes they just stood there staring at each other. When finally Jessica broke the silence.
"Billie what is your problem, and why didn't you tell me about it? I mean I love you."
"I cant even tell my best friend... and I didn't want to worry you guys about it. I thought that it would hurt you guys more than it would help me."
"You know that we will always be here for you. Just tell us all. Tell us what your problem is." Katie said.
"Um... I... um... can't... I can't... I can't stop... well I feel like nothing is the same and that well I miss those days... and that... well I had just started... um hurting myself... well before the accident... "
"Oh my god Billie why didn't you tell us this... this is more than a problem it is a bad habit that probably caused your panic attack... Why would you start that?" Jessica said with the tears starting to roll down her cheeks.
Right then Billie stared at Mike in the way he did earlier that day... the way that said you tell them and your dead... but Mike had to tell them. What else was their to do... it was a part of Billie Joe's past that he never wanted to bring up, but this forced Mike to tell everyone.
"I have to tell them, Billie." Mike said to his best friend.
"Tell us what? What the hell are you hiding from us?" Jessica yelled.
"Shit Mike just don't tell them I haven't told anyone but you... god please don't tell them."
"I have to they need to know... you can't hide it any longer... the truth has to be told."
Mike looked at Billie, he was his best friend. He didn't want to hurt him, he could never hurt him willingly, but he had to tell them. If he didn't tell them now, Billie's problem would only get worse.
"Well... um... this isn't the first time that he has had this problem... he well um... he had this problem many times before."
"Why in the hell would you tell them Mike?... I thought that you were my best friend... Why?"
"Billie if I hadn't told them... the people that will always be there for you... then this time it would only be worse... Billie I did for your own good... I did it to help you... "
"That's bullshit Mike... bullshit... don't tell me that... you did it so you could destroy me... "
"Don't talk like that Billie he is your best friend why would he want to hurt you? How could he hurt you?" Jessica said trying to help out him but it wasn't to working.
"Why don't you ask him that."
"Billie I would never want to hurt you... I wanted to help you... "
"Your just repeating yourself Mike, and your just lying over and over again... you don't care about what happens to me."
"Stop this shit Billie... you know that we wouldn't want to hurt you... why are you acting this way all of a sudden?" Katie asked.
"I never wanted to bring this part of my past up... because that is just what it is the past... "
"But when you stopped doing that your panic attacks stopped... and now that you have started doing it again they came back... why don't you just believe me that I was only trying to help you... "
"Well I guess that you have a point there... but still why did you tell them if you knew it would hurt me?"
"Because it will help you get over this problem that you started and I thought that you stopped a long time ago... "
"Ok I guess your right I will try to stop it but I will probably need your help but I don't want the rest of you to worry about me... "
"I won't." Lindsay answered first.
"Yeah, I won't either."
"Same here."
"I will try but it will be hard." Jessica said last.
Then the doctor walked in with the news that Billie Joe would be able to play the guitar but he would have to work very hard. They all knew that he would be dealing with a lot of things so they thought they would try to help him as much as they could with out making him mad. They all knew that I would be hard to get though this, but they also knew that he could not do it alone. They only had to get him to believe that.
Days past when Billie could finally play the guitar again. They didn't know if he would be able to play full shows without having problems, but he would not let that happen we would play every single day. It was incredible the way his eyes would light up every time that he would pick up a guitar, Jessica thought to herself. The way that his green eyes would just stare in to space like he didn't have a worry in the world. She had no clue how or why he would hurt himself like he was. Then she felt a hand on her shoulder that made her jump a foot off the ground.
"Mike you scared the shit out of me!" she yelled.
"Sorry. Doesn't he look peace when he plays."
"It makes you think... doesn't it?"
"Yeah, like why he could do hurt himself."
"Exactly."
"Don't beat yourself up over this. He wouldn't want it."
"I know, but I just think that somehow this is my fault."
"I told you not to worry about me!" Billie screamed.
"What the hell do you want to? Sit down and put it in the back of my head? Well I can't do that because I love you... I love you Billie Joe Armstrong."
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