My American Idiots, chapter 4
"Jess, Je-ess. Jess!" Billie's voice got louder each time he called her name.
"I'm up! I'm up, I'm up, I'm up!" Jess awoke with a start. "Jesus, Billie, you ever heard of knocking?" she asked pulling the covers up under her shoulders.
"I was knocking for five minutes!" he told her with the merest hint of exasperation in his voice.
"I was getting my beauty sleep," she retorted calmly. "What time is it?" I asked looking at her radio alarm. "Billie Joe Armstrong, are you seriously expecting me to get up at seven in the morning?"
"Yes," he replied.
"Why?"
"Coz."
"Coz why?"
"Coz it's your first day of school."
"Oh, okay. Good night," she replied, diving back under the covers. 'Jesus, ' Jess thought. 'Where'd the summer holidays go? ' She'd come to America during the summer break, between the semesters.
"Jessica, whatever-the-fuck your middle name is, Murray, get outta bed!" Billie said loudly, pulling back her covers.
"Louise Catherine. Now, nick off," She told him seriously.
"What?" he asked.
"Louise Catherine. They're my middle names. Nick off!" came the muffled reply from beneath the covers. "And watch your language! Ollie'll hear you!"
"No," he retorted calmly. "It's your fist day of school, and mom wants me to show you around."
"Do you always do what Mommy says?" she asked putting on a fake accent.
"Up, now!" he yelled, pulling her covers right off.
"No." she said calmly, pulling her quilt back onto the bed. "I refuse."
"Oh, you refuse, do you? MIKE!" Billie called out.
"What?" asked a tousle-haired Mike as he slumped on the doorframe?
"Let's get her," Billie replied mischievously as Mike's eyes lit up. Jess peeked above her messed up doona.
"You wouldn't dare," she told them.
"Oh, yes we would," replied a now awake Mike.
"No, no no no no no..." she said, kneeling on her bed, holding out two index fingers, as if to warn them off. They dove at her as she made a break for the door. She nearly got through, but they caught her and threw her onto the bed.
"Get off!" Jess shrieked as they started tickling.
"Not until you agree to go to school!" Billie had to shout above her shrieking laughter.
"Never!" she managed to choke out.
"Then we keep tickling!" Mike laughed.
"Okay! Okay, okay, okay! I'll go to your stupid school!" Jess was almost crying from laughing so hard. "Next month!" And with that, Jess ran into the bathroom and locked the door.
"Women!" Billie Joe and Mike chorused, and proceeded to pick the lock on the bathroom door.
"Hey! What do you think your doing!?" Jess cried through the wooden door.
"Getting you outta that bathroom!" Mike replied, giving the lock a little shake.
"Oh, no you don't!" Jess replied. "What if I'm not decent?"
"All the better," said Trè, who had come upstairs following the noise. Trè was always around at Billie Joe's early on school days. Ollie made the best breakfasts.
"Trè! I swear to God, if you peek, I'll gouge your eyeballs out with your drumsticks!" Jess yelled through the door.
"Yikes," said Trè, genuinely surprised. Turning to Billie he asked, "Do you think she would?"
"Ask her, not me," replied Billie, watching Mike pick the lock with a hairpin. Suddenly, someone tapped Trè, who was standing at the back, on the shoulder. He almost jumped through the roof when he saw Jess standing there.
"Fuck me!" he yelled out in surprise.
"Say 'please'," came Jess's calm reply.
"How'd you do that?" asked Billie Joe, clutching his chest. Trè's yelling had scared the living daylights out of him.
"I climbed outta the bathroom window, and through that one," Jess explained, pointing at her bedroom window.
"Wow, you must walk like a cat! I didn't hear a thing until you tapped me!" Trè said, amazed.
"Thanks," said Jess. "So, Mikey. Are you gonna finish picking that lock, or do you want me to go through the windows again?"
"I'll be done in two secs," he said. Sure enough, the lock clicked open within a few seconds. Jess had picked up the clothes she was going to wear to school, and she raced into the bathroom for a quick shower.
"I wonder if I could fit through the bathroom window," Trè wondered aloud as he heard the shower being turned on.
"You even try, and I'll castrate you with a guitar string," Jess warned. Trè had obviously been talking loud enough for her to hear, and he smiled smugly at the door, knowing he had succeeded.
"I've only got one ball left!" he called back to her.
"What? Did I just hear what I though I did?" asked Jess, unbeknownst to the boys she cleaned her ears out to hear better.
"I. Have. Only. Got. One. Ball. Left!" Trè repeated loudly. "I lost one!"
"How in the hell do you lose a testicle?" Jess asked.
"Unicycle accident," Trè mumbled.
"What?" asked Jess.
"He said in a unicycle accident!" shouted Billie Joe. "He was practicing some stunts, and he landed funny!"
"Oh, shizit, that'd hurt!" exclaimed Jess.
"It's even worse when the doc just says, 'Hm, an invisible scrotum, '!" Trè replied.
Jess bit her lip trying not to laugh. "You're only half the man you used to be, then. Eh, Trè?" she said.
"Low blow, Jess!" Mike told her. "Not nice!"
"Sorry, Trè. Really! I was only joking 'round!" she said apologetically
"It's ok," Trè said. "Honest!"
"If anything, he's even more of a hornball since it happened!" Mike remarked, flipping through one of Jess's new text books.
"Ah, go to hell!" Trè told Mike.
"Do you want me to get you a reservation?" Mike replied using a comeback he had learnt from Jess. He started on her files. Nothing interesting. Yet. The shower was soon turned off, to Trè's delight, and he started peeking through the keyhole. Bugger. She had hung a towel off the doorknob, completely eradicating any chance of a peepshow. "Aw, Fuckit!" Trè said. "Do you always take a spare towel for the doorknob?" Trè asked Jess.
"Yes! It's to prevent horny little bastards like you from enjoying a peepshow!" Jess replied as she stood in front of a slightly steamed up mirror, applying her eyeliner.
"What do you think?" she asked the guys, a she came out of the bathroom. Her hair was in her famous pig-tails, at the lower back of her head, she was wearing a red v-neck singlet shirt, a black denim skirt and her favourite black Diana Ferrari sneakers. Her mum had bought the sneakers at an Op-Shop, back in Australia. New Dianas would set Jess back about a hundred dollars or so.
"You're not going to school dressed like that!" Trè said, acting like he was Jess's mum or something.
"And why not? Your paper girlfriends are Ninety-Nine percent naked, and I don't see you complaining," replied Jess, folding her arms.
"Well that's paper, not flesh," Trè replied. "I am NOT going to sacrifice my lunch hour, fending off half a dozen Jocks."
"Thanks Trè," Jess said. "That has to be one of the nicest compliments I have ever received."
"Don't mention it," Trè replied.
Mike put down the last of Jess's files and said, "Well, can we go downstairs now you're dressed? Ollie doesn't leave food on the table very long!"
"Yup, let's go. Oh, hang on! Lemme grab the Milo!" Jess replied, fishing around under her bed.
"Milo? What's Milo?" asked Trè.
"You still haven't tried Milo?" asked Billie Joe as the walked down the hall to the kitchen.
"I've never even heard of it," he said, looking at the large, green tin Jess was holding on her hip like a baby.
"It's fucking awesome!" Mike said quietly as they neared the kitchen and dining area.
"Mom kicked his ass for swearing when he said it made Ovaltine taste like shit," Billie told Trè. "Then Jess made us one and it was gone in seconds."
"That's why I call them 'Magic Milos'," Jess explained. "At the rate Rielly-Rose and Spidey make them disappear, you'd think it was magic."
"Rielly-Rose and Spidey are nicknames for Jess little sister, Rielly and brother, Tom," Billie Joe explained to Trè as he opened his mouth to ask.
"Morning, Ollie!" Jess chirped to her 'Foster Mom' as she walked into the kitchen.
"Morning, Jessi," Ollie replied, looking up from the classified section of the paper.
"Coffee, Mom?" Billie asked as he put the kettle on.
"Yes thanks, darling," Ollie replied, holding out her mug.
"Here, Trè," Jess said, presenting Trè with a Milo. "Mind your language, remember." Jess said to him as Ollie became engrossed in the Jobs section once again.
As Trè went through his first Milo like a rock through water, Jess asked Ollie, "Why are you reading the Jobs section, Ollie? Don't you already have a job?"
"Yes, dear. Of course I do. I was just seeing what else I could do for a little on the side," Ollie replied biting into a piece of toast.
"Oh, okay. Just wonderin'," Jess replied, spooning up a mouthful of Frosties.
The rest of breakfast went without much talk, but as they all stood up to go to school, Ollie stopped them. "Billie Joe Armstrong, where do you think you're going?" she asked.
"School," he replied. "Where else would I be going?"
"Go to the garage for me first, would you sweetheart? I think I left something in there," she said.
"But, mom, we'll be late!" Billie protested.
"Don't argue with your mother dear," Ollie replied, sipping her coffee. Billie Joe walked out to the garage with his friends in tow.
When he got inside the garage and flicked the light switch, he saw the most beautiful thing in the world to a sixteen year old boy. A car! It was a large, black sedan, with a nice 'leather' interior and upholstery.
"Wow," he breathed softly, taking the note that was pinned beneath the windscreen wiper.
To my dearest Billie, it read.
I hope you like your new car. Hurry and get to school, now!
Love, Mom
Xox
"Like it?" asked Ollie from the doorway.
"Mom," he started, almost lost for words. "Thanks!" he said, and flung himself at his mum for a hug. "I may not say it a lot anymore, but, I love you mom!"
"I know, sweetie," she smiled, handing him the keys. "Now, hurry up and get to school or you will be late!"
"Dibs front!" cried Jess, as Billie sat down behind the wheel, caressing it gently.
"Aw, no fair!" said Trè in a baby voice, climbing into the rear passengers seat on the right.
"See you all this afternoon!" said Ollie as Billie Joe backed smoothly out of the garage.
"Bye mom!" he yelled out of his window.
"Bye Ollie! See you this afternoon!" Jess waved. They had barely gotten to the end of the street when Trè started mimicking Billie's thank-you speech.
"I love you, mom!" he said in a girly voice.
"Knock it off Trè," Jess told him as Billie Joe reached back, without looking, and punched Trè in the leg.
"What?" he asked.
"It was sweet, keep your mouth closed, Trè!" Jess told him as he started on a smart-mouthed comment. "If your mum had've bought you a car, you'd say the same thing!"
"Yeah, Trè," smirked Mike.
"You too, wise-ass," Jess told Mike.
*~*~*~ At School. ~*~*~*
"Okay, here's your map, timetable, and your locker combination," said Mike after thanking the receptionist.
"Hey cool! You've got all the same classes as us!" Trè said. "Look at my timetable." he held it forth. They were identical, except all the scribbles Trè had added to his.
"Nice pictures, Trè. When did you draw those? Health class?" Jess asked sarcastically, after a quick review of the drawings.
"I gotta do something rather that die of boredom in maths class," he said defensively, putting it back in his bag. The bell announcing the start of class rang.
"C'mon, this way to Boredomsville!" Trè said bowing Jess down the corridor.
"Obviously you mean Maths, then?" she asked, as Trè fell into step beside Billie Joe. This was it. Jessica's first day of school in America. She walked ahead, her mind full of questions about the immediate future.
What would the other people be like? Would they be as nice to her as Billie Joe, Trè and Mike? Would she make some more friends? She would find the answers to these questions very soon...
"I'm up! I'm up, I'm up, I'm up!" Jess awoke with a start. "Jesus, Billie, you ever heard of knocking?" she asked pulling the covers up under her shoulders.
"I was knocking for five minutes!" he told her with the merest hint of exasperation in his voice.
"I was getting my beauty sleep," she retorted calmly. "What time is it?" I asked looking at her radio alarm. "Billie Joe Armstrong, are you seriously expecting me to get up at seven in the morning?"
"Yes," he replied.
"Why?"
"Coz."
"Coz why?"
"Coz it's your first day of school."
"Oh, okay. Good night," she replied, diving back under the covers. 'Jesus, ' Jess thought. 'Where'd the summer holidays go? ' She'd come to America during the summer break, between the semesters.
"Jessica, whatever-the-fuck your middle name is, Murray, get outta bed!" Billie said loudly, pulling back her covers.
"Louise Catherine. Now, nick off," She told him seriously.
"What?" he asked.
"Louise Catherine. They're my middle names. Nick off!" came the muffled reply from beneath the covers. "And watch your language! Ollie'll hear you!"
"No," he retorted calmly. "It's your fist day of school, and mom wants me to show you around."
"Do you always do what Mommy says?" she asked putting on a fake accent.
"Up, now!" he yelled, pulling her covers right off.
"No." she said calmly, pulling her quilt back onto the bed. "I refuse."
"Oh, you refuse, do you? MIKE!" Billie called out.
"What?" asked a tousle-haired Mike as he slumped on the doorframe?
"Let's get her," Billie replied mischievously as Mike's eyes lit up. Jess peeked above her messed up doona.
"You wouldn't dare," she told them.
"Oh, yes we would," replied a now awake Mike.
"No, no no no no no..." she said, kneeling on her bed, holding out two index fingers, as if to warn them off. They dove at her as she made a break for the door. She nearly got through, but they caught her and threw her onto the bed.
"Get off!" Jess shrieked as they started tickling.
"Not until you agree to go to school!" Billie had to shout above her shrieking laughter.
"Never!" she managed to choke out.
"Then we keep tickling!" Mike laughed.
"Okay! Okay, okay, okay! I'll go to your stupid school!" Jess was almost crying from laughing so hard. "Next month!" And with that, Jess ran into the bathroom and locked the door.
"Women!" Billie Joe and Mike chorused, and proceeded to pick the lock on the bathroom door.
"Hey! What do you think your doing!?" Jess cried through the wooden door.
"Getting you outta that bathroom!" Mike replied, giving the lock a little shake.
"Oh, no you don't!" Jess replied. "What if I'm not decent?"
"All the better," said Trè, who had come upstairs following the noise. Trè was always around at Billie Joe's early on school days. Ollie made the best breakfasts.
"Trè! I swear to God, if you peek, I'll gouge your eyeballs out with your drumsticks!" Jess yelled through the door.
"Yikes," said Trè, genuinely surprised. Turning to Billie he asked, "Do you think she would?"
"Ask her, not me," replied Billie, watching Mike pick the lock with a hairpin. Suddenly, someone tapped Trè, who was standing at the back, on the shoulder. He almost jumped through the roof when he saw Jess standing there.
"Fuck me!" he yelled out in surprise.
"Say 'please'," came Jess's calm reply.
"How'd you do that?" asked Billie Joe, clutching his chest. Trè's yelling had scared the living daylights out of him.
"I climbed outta the bathroom window, and through that one," Jess explained, pointing at her bedroom window.
"Wow, you must walk like a cat! I didn't hear a thing until you tapped me!" Trè said, amazed.
"Thanks," said Jess. "So, Mikey. Are you gonna finish picking that lock, or do you want me to go through the windows again?"
"I'll be done in two secs," he said. Sure enough, the lock clicked open within a few seconds. Jess had picked up the clothes she was going to wear to school, and she raced into the bathroom for a quick shower.
"I wonder if I could fit through the bathroom window," Trè wondered aloud as he heard the shower being turned on.
"You even try, and I'll castrate you with a guitar string," Jess warned. Trè had obviously been talking loud enough for her to hear, and he smiled smugly at the door, knowing he had succeeded.
"I've only got one ball left!" he called back to her.
"What? Did I just hear what I though I did?" asked Jess, unbeknownst to the boys she cleaned her ears out to hear better.
"I. Have. Only. Got. One. Ball. Left!" Trè repeated loudly. "I lost one!"
"How in the hell do you lose a testicle?" Jess asked.
"Unicycle accident," Trè mumbled.
"What?" asked Jess.
"He said in a unicycle accident!" shouted Billie Joe. "He was practicing some stunts, and he landed funny!"
"Oh, shizit, that'd hurt!" exclaimed Jess.
"It's even worse when the doc just says, 'Hm, an invisible scrotum, '!" Trè replied.
Jess bit her lip trying not to laugh. "You're only half the man you used to be, then. Eh, Trè?" she said.
"Low blow, Jess!" Mike told her. "Not nice!"
"Sorry, Trè. Really! I was only joking 'round!" she said apologetically
"It's ok," Trè said. "Honest!"
"If anything, he's even more of a hornball since it happened!" Mike remarked, flipping through one of Jess's new text books.
"Ah, go to hell!" Trè told Mike.
"Do you want me to get you a reservation?" Mike replied using a comeback he had learnt from Jess. He started on her files. Nothing interesting. Yet. The shower was soon turned off, to Trè's delight, and he started peeking through the keyhole. Bugger. She had hung a towel off the doorknob, completely eradicating any chance of a peepshow. "Aw, Fuckit!" Trè said. "Do you always take a spare towel for the doorknob?" Trè asked Jess.
"Yes! It's to prevent horny little bastards like you from enjoying a peepshow!" Jess replied as she stood in front of a slightly steamed up mirror, applying her eyeliner.
"What do you think?" she asked the guys, a she came out of the bathroom. Her hair was in her famous pig-tails, at the lower back of her head, she was wearing a red v-neck singlet shirt, a black denim skirt and her favourite black Diana Ferrari sneakers. Her mum had bought the sneakers at an Op-Shop, back in Australia. New Dianas would set Jess back about a hundred dollars or so.
"You're not going to school dressed like that!" Trè said, acting like he was Jess's mum or something.
"And why not? Your paper girlfriends are Ninety-Nine percent naked, and I don't see you complaining," replied Jess, folding her arms.
"Well that's paper, not flesh," Trè replied. "I am NOT going to sacrifice my lunch hour, fending off half a dozen Jocks."
"Thanks Trè," Jess said. "That has to be one of the nicest compliments I have ever received."
"Don't mention it," Trè replied.
Mike put down the last of Jess's files and said, "Well, can we go downstairs now you're dressed? Ollie doesn't leave food on the table very long!"
"Yup, let's go. Oh, hang on! Lemme grab the Milo!" Jess replied, fishing around under her bed.
"Milo? What's Milo?" asked Trè.
"You still haven't tried Milo?" asked Billie Joe as the walked down the hall to the kitchen.
"I've never even heard of it," he said, looking at the large, green tin Jess was holding on her hip like a baby.
"It's fucking awesome!" Mike said quietly as they neared the kitchen and dining area.
"Mom kicked his ass for swearing when he said it made Ovaltine taste like shit," Billie told Trè. "Then Jess made us one and it was gone in seconds."
"That's why I call them 'Magic Milos'," Jess explained. "At the rate Rielly-Rose and Spidey make them disappear, you'd think it was magic."
"Rielly-Rose and Spidey are nicknames for Jess little sister, Rielly and brother, Tom," Billie Joe explained to Trè as he opened his mouth to ask.
"Morning, Ollie!" Jess chirped to her 'Foster Mom' as she walked into the kitchen.
"Morning, Jessi," Ollie replied, looking up from the classified section of the paper.
"Coffee, Mom?" Billie asked as he put the kettle on.
"Yes thanks, darling," Ollie replied, holding out her mug.
"Here, Trè," Jess said, presenting Trè with a Milo. "Mind your language, remember." Jess said to him as Ollie became engrossed in the Jobs section once again.
As Trè went through his first Milo like a rock through water, Jess asked Ollie, "Why are you reading the Jobs section, Ollie? Don't you already have a job?"
"Yes, dear. Of course I do. I was just seeing what else I could do for a little on the side," Ollie replied biting into a piece of toast.
"Oh, okay. Just wonderin'," Jess replied, spooning up a mouthful of Frosties.
The rest of breakfast went without much talk, but as they all stood up to go to school, Ollie stopped them. "Billie Joe Armstrong, where do you think you're going?" she asked.
"School," he replied. "Where else would I be going?"
"Go to the garage for me first, would you sweetheart? I think I left something in there," she said.
"But, mom, we'll be late!" Billie protested.
"Don't argue with your mother dear," Ollie replied, sipping her coffee. Billie Joe walked out to the garage with his friends in tow.
When he got inside the garage and flicked the light switch, he saw the most beautiful thing in the world to a sixteen year old boy. A car! It was a large, black sedan, with a nice 'leather' interior and upholstery.
"Wow," he breathed softly, taking the note that was pinned beneath the windscreen wiper.
To my dearest Billie, it read.
I hope you like your new car. Hurry and get to school, now!
Love, Mom
Xox
"Like it?" asked Ollie from the doorway.
"Mom," he started, almost lost for words. "Thanks!" he said, and flung himself at his mum for a hug. "I may not say it a lot anymore, but, I love you mom!"
"I know, sweetie," she smiled, handing him the keys. "Now, hurry up and get to school or you will be late!"
"Dibs front!" cried Jess, as Billie sat down behind the wheel, caressing it gently.
"Aw, no fair!" said Trè in a baby voice, climbing into the rear passengers seat on the right.
"See you all this afternoon!" said Ollie as Billie Joe backed smoothly out of the garage.
"Bye mom!" he yelled out of his window.
"Bye Ollie! See you this afternoon!" Jess waved. They had barely gotten to the end of the street when Trè started mimicking Billie's thank-you speech.
"I love you, mom!" he said in a girly voice.
"Knock it off Trè," Jess told him as Billie Joe reached back, without looking, and punched Trè in the leg.
"What?" he asked.
"It was sweet, keep your mouth closed, Trè!" Jess told him as he started on a smart-mouthed comment. "If your mum had've bought you a car, you'd say the same thing!"
"Yeah, Trè," smirked Mike.
"You too, wise-ass," Jess told Mike.
*~*~*~ At School. ~*~*~*
"Okay, here's your map, timetable, and your locker combination," said Mike after thanking the receptionist.
"Hey cool! You've got all the same classes as us!" Trè said. "Look at my timetable." he held it forth. They were identical, except all the scribbles Trè had added to his.
"Nice pictures, Trè. When did you draw those? Health class?" Jess asked sarcastically, after a quick review of the drawings.
"I gotta do something rather that die of boredom in maths class," he said defensively, putting it back in his bag. The bell announcing the start of class rang.
"C'mon, this way to Boredomsville!" Trè said bowing Jess down the corridor.
"Obviously you mean Maths, then?" she asked, as Trè fell into step beside Billie Joe. This was it. Jessica's first day of school in America. She walked ahead, her mind full of questions about the immediate future.
What would the other people be like? Would they be as nice to her as Billie Joe, Trè and Mike? Would she make some more friends? She would find the answers to these questions very soon...
