KJ And Billie, chapter 13
I had to go. I just had to. Things were getting way out of hand. The hard thing is, I don't know if I love her anymore. I don't want to end a three year marriage. I don't want to leave Aubrey without a mother, or without a father all the time. I want her to be in a family together, but I just don't know if I can. Maybe she and I weren't meant to be this long.
I lied to her, saying I knew everything was gonna be okay, that I just had to go for a time. Really, I had to reassure myself. I've been spending a lot of time feigning sleep so that I won't have to argue with her. The problem is, all we seem to do is argue anymore. Aubrey needs to go with me to the store, or the tour wants to be postponed. Even stupid crap, it seems we'd argue at each other because we're breathing the same air these days. As I was deep in thought, Mike called. He and Tre were on their way. I wondered if I should ask him how she is?
~~~~~
"We can't say anything about her being pregnant, Tre."
"WHY!"
"Because, he'll come running back to her."
"Uh, isn't that what we want?"
"Not if he's coming back just for that, so he can leave again. If they're not meant to be together, there's nothing we can do about that. " He hung his head, but seriously, we couldn't say anything. I didn't wanna tell him that Kayleigh had sworn me to secrecy. I didn't know what was up with her. I guess it was the miscarriage. If she told Billie Joe, and she lost this baby too, who knows what could result? I pulled up to the hotel. It looked about as run down as the places we used to live, like pre-Dookie days. I knocked on his door, and he met me in his boxers.
"You know, you better be glad I'm not the UPS man."
"Hey, man on man porn. I guess they do have free HBO!" I punched Tre in the arm, as Billie Joe just walked back into the hotel room.
~~~~~
"What is it, BJ?" Mike sat down beside me. He could tell if anything was wrong, I mean, I have known him for over 10 years.
"I think we're gonna end up getting a divorce, Mike." Tre's eyes immediately hit the floor. Mike leaned back on the bed.
"You sure about this Billie Joe? SURE?" I turned on the bed to face him.
"I don't know what else to do, Mike. I don't even know if I still love her anymore." More of Tre's fidgeting.
"I..I... I gotta go get something I left in the truck. " He left awful fast... wonder what's eating at him?
"Lemme see what his issue is. I'll be back." I nodded, knowing Tre needed someone to check on him right about now. I just wonder if Mike knew what was wrong with Tre too?
~~~~~~
"What is wrong with you?" I found him leaning against the side of the truck, pale as a ghost, looking like he was about to hurl.
"He... he... can't leave her. She's gonna have his baby!"
"They've already got a baby too. I know, I'm not crazy about the idea either. But if they can't come together, then maybe it's better..."
"No, Mike, no! Kayleigh needs him, and he needs her. Those babies need them both. Think of what she's gonna do when she finds out he hasn't been thinking of getting back together like he promised, rather out to get a divorce..."
"I thought about that..." But that wasn't me. It was Billie Joe.
"How long..."
"Just long enough to hear you saying that I'm gonna go back on my promise, Tre Cool." So he hadn't heard about the pregnancy.
"I'm gonna go talk to her about this. Don't worry, Tre. I'm not going to abandon them." I wonder if it would help or hinder his decision if he knew they were three, and not two?
"What are you gonna do? Go up to her and say, 'sorry, but I want a divorce. The last four years have been great...' "
"Tre, quit crying. You know me better than that. I wouldn't do that to her." Tre just kept on though, his blue eyes full of tears. I flashed in my own mind to the scenes of Kayleigh crying, holding her stomach, thinking of the little baby inside, and that little baby's daddy.
"When, Billie Joe, when."
"Prolly later tonight." Jeebus! It's been only a week or two since he left! Fifteen days, that's how long. KJ's two months pregnant with his child, with a two year old. And these two... gosh, all the twos.
"I'm gonna take him home. I'll call ya later, kay?" He nods, and I get Tre in the truck, get in myself, and drive off. Now he's fucking got me crying too. Dammit Cool!
~~~~~~
I see them pull into the drive. Both he and Mike are crying.
"Baby, what is it?" He hugs me really tight.
"He's thinking of divorce." My own eyes tear up.
"How's she doin?"
"She hasn't said anything to anyone. She's eating, but if she wasn't pregnant, I don't think she'd even be doing that. This stuff's eating her alive. I think all she wants is him."
"And all he wants is to leave her." Tre mumbled, and then ran upstairs. He was crying like it was him getting divorced from Billie Joe. But, it pained him to see her hurting like this. I swear they have like a cord connecting them no one can see.
"I'm gonna go up and see her." I nodded, and Mike skipped up the stairs, whether it was from his long legs, or his rush to see her, I'll never know. I went back to folding clothes, something to keep my mind off what I just heard. She was the first to get married, and now she's the first one to get a divorce. I always worry about that girl.
~~~~~
I walked gingerly to her room, noticing the door open just a crack. She's lying on her bed, eyes closed, listening to music. I know she's not asleep, not lying on her back. Even pregnant, Kayleigh found ways to sleep on her side. I caught the songs she was listening to; Ramones, Rock and Roll High School. We hadn't listened to these songs... since the day we met her. I walked in her room, looking around. Picture frames were empty, the only light was coming from the window, which wasn't much help on a cloudy day. I went and sat on her bed, and grabbed her hand.
"Kay, talk to me." She opened her eyes, and pleaded with me through looks. 'Please,' her eyes screamed at me. 'please don't make me...'
~~~~~~
"Alone again...naturally." I sang that to myself for the millionth time today. They left me here, to think about how I was about to break Kayleigh's heart. How I was about to almost murder her, just like those gang members did 5 years ago. I remembered her saying how she was gonna commit suicide, but then we started hanging out with her, and made her feel better. Load of crud, I thought, until the day I found the cutting shears with her blood on them. She was serious. And to think of Aubrey. Her parents barely married three years. Been through so much, and can't make it work. So much for the idea of more children. But yet, I am only 21. An adult. After all these years of acting like one, I finally am, and my first act? Divorce. I sat on my bed, and strummed out the song Armatage Shanks. I wrote that about the panic attacks I have. Why is this, one of the hardest things in my life, not causing an attack? I prayed for one, to tell me no, to run back to her, cuddle her, say everything's gonna be okay. But the urge to hop in the car is never really there. God, when did it come to this!
~~~~~
I held her gaze for the longest time, until she teared up, rolling into a little ball.
"He's gonna divorce me, isn't he."
"Kay..."
"He is. I feel it. But I'm not going to tell him."
"He's gonna know soon."
"Too bad. He shoulda thought about that." Obviously, we had hit her nerve to make her actually cold blooded. Now she wasn't even going to tell him she's pregnant. She has to be really hurting.
"I'll always be here for ya. You know that right?"
"You have to, you're my big brother." I smiled, and as much as she tried, she did get a little smirk across those pale drawn lips.
"Go ahead, take a nap. If anything..."
"Wake me up when he gets here." It's like she had me on walkie-talkie or something! I went downstairs, and the phone rang. It was Sam.
"Hey baby."
"Hey."
"What's wrong?"
"Billie Joe and KJ are getting a divorce, she's two months pregnant, and he doesn't know, and she don't wanna tell him."
"What?"
"It's true."
"Good thing I'm almost home. We're in Duncanville. I'll see you pronto."
"Love you."
"Love you." I needed to hear that right about now. My heart was sunken in a misty cloud of hurt and pain. I needed her to be here, with my baby girl. Thinking of Riley made me think of Aubrey. I went in the nursery, and watched as Allie played with her.
"Sam's coming home."
"That's good to hear."
"You think she's gonna be alright?"
"I just don't know Mike. And it scares me. It scares Tre."
"It scares me too. It's like she's holding on to that miracle. I just don't think it's gonna happen." She shook her head, but had to laugh as Aubrey did the same. I picked up Tre Jr., bouncing him around. If that baby Kayleigh's carrying is a baby boy, he's gonna grow up without a father there all the time. How Billie Joe would eat himself alive for that!
Time passed, and Sam came home. We were both a little teary eyed, and I ran to hug her. I held her for at least a good ten minutes, and then she handed me Riley, and went up to see Kayleigh. I wanted to be up when Billie Joe came in. If he came in. Maybe I could talk him out of it. About 8, his car was in the driveway. He gets out, and opens the door to the house. It's almost like he's stunned to see me there.
"Where is she?"
"Sam's upstairs with her. Don't do it in the bedroom, Billie Joe. She'll have no where to go." He knew as well as I did that she wasn't gonna sit still when she heard this news from him. So he takes a seat, and I go to get her.
"Sam, you wanna help me?" She nods, and puts her arm around KJ. It's like she's been dead to the world. We walk downstairs, and I can hear her sniffles as she sees Billie Joe in the front room. Allie and Tre come in from the kitchen. He sits on top of a chair, putting his feet in the bottom of it. KJ sits, but no where near Billie Joe. He looks sullen and depressed, not only from his own feelings, but as he scans his soon to be ex wife over. Her eyes are red and puffy, not to mention mostly lifeless. She sits now, with her hand glued inside Allie's and Sam's.
"Kayleigh..."
"I know what you came for."
"Did they tell you?" He and I exchanged looks. His, an "I can't believe you" look, while I retorted with an, "I didn't, if you'd just give her a chance to tell you!" one.
"No. I knew. It doesn't take fifteen days to realize how much you love somebody."
"Well then."
"I guess so."
I think they just agreed to getting a divorce. Tre was getting more and more unsettled with every passing moment. I knew he was going to burst, even though he knew Kayleigh didn't want Billie Joe knowing. But I think he has a right to know...
"I guess we'll go down to the court..."
"YOU CAN'T!" Tre jumped out of his seat; rather, off it, as we all turned to face him...
I lied to her, saying I knew everything was gonna be okay, that I just had to go for a time. Really, I had to reassure myself. I've been spending a lot of time feigning sleep so that I won't have to argue with her. The problem is, all we seem to do is argue anymore. Aubrey needs to go with me to the store, or the tour wants to be postponed. Even stupid crap, it seems we'd argue at each other because we're breathing the same air these days. As I was deep in thought, Mike called. He and Tre were on their way. I wondered if I should ask him how she is?
~~~~~
"We can't say anything about her being pregnant, Tre."
"WHY!"
"Because, he'll come running back to her."
"Uh, isn't that what we want?"
"Not if he's coming back just for that, so he can leave again. If they're not meant to be together, there's nothing we can do about that. " He hung his head, but seriously, we couldn't say anything. I didn't wanna tell him that Kayleigh had sworn me to secrecy. I didn't know what was up with her. I guess it was the miscarriage. If she told Billie Joe, and she lost this baby too, who knows what could result? I pulled up to the hotel. It looked about as run down as the places we used to live, like pre-Dookie days. I knocked on his door, and he met me in his boxers.
"You know, you better be glad I'm not the UPS man."
"Hey, man on man porn. I guess they do have free HBO!" I punched Tre in the arm, as Billie Joe just walked back into the hotel room.
~~~~~
"What is it, BJ?" Mike sat down beside me. He could tell if anything was wrong, I mean, I have known him for over 10 years.
"I think we're gonna end up getting a divorce, Mike." Tre's eyes immediately hit the floor. Mike leaned back on the bed.
"You sure about this Billie Joe? SURE?" I turned on the bed to face him.
"I don't know what else to do, Mike. I don't even know if I still love her anymore." More of Tre's fidgeting.
"I..I... I gotta go get something I left in the truck. " He left awful fast... wonder what's eating at him?
"Lemme see what his issue is. I'll be back." I nodded, knowing Tre needed someone to check on him right about now. I just wonder if Mike knew what was wrong with Tre too?
~~~~~~
"What is wrong with you?" I found him leaning against the side of the truck, pale as a ghost, looking like he was about to hurl.
"He... he... can't leave her. She's gonna have his baby!"
"They've already got a baby too. I know, I'm not crazy about the idea either. But if they can't come together, then maybe it's better..."
"No, Mike, no! Kayleigh needs him, and he needs her. Those babies need them both. Think of what she's gonna do when she finds out he hasn't been thinking of getting back together like he promised, rather out to get a divorce..."
"I thought about that..." But that wasn't me. It was Billie Joe.
"How long..."
"Just long enough to hear you saying that I'm gonna go back on my promise, Tre Cool." So he hadn't heard about the pregnancy.
"I'm gonna go talk to her about this. Don't worry, Tre. I'm not going to abandon them." I wonder if it would help or hinder his decision if he knew they were three, and not two?
"What are you gonna do? Go up to her and say, 'sorry, but I want a divorce. The last four years have been great...' "
"Tre, quit crying. You know me better than that. I wouldn't do that to her." Tre just kept on though, his blue eyes full of tears. I flashed in my own mind to the scenes of Kayleigh crying, holding her stomach, thinking of the little baby inside, and that little baby's daddy.
"When, Billie Joe, when."
"Prolly later tonight." Jeebus! It's been only a week or two since he left! Fifteen days, that's how long. KJ's two months pregnant with his child, with a two year old. And these two... gosh, all the twos.
"I'm gonna take him home. I'll call ya later, kay?" He nods, and I get Tre in the truck, get in myself, and drive off. Now he's fucking got me crying too. Dammit Cool!
~~~~~~
I see them pull into the drive. Both he and Mike are crying.
"Baby, what is it?" He hugs me really tight.
"He's thinking of divorce." My own eyes tear up.
"How's she doin?"
"She hasn't said anything to anyone. She's eating, but if she wasn't pregnant, I don't think she'd even be doing that. This stuff's eating her alive. I think all she wants is him."
"And all he wants is to leave her." Tre mumbled, and then ran upstairs. He was crying like it was him getting divorced from Billie Joe. But, it pained him to see her hurting like this. I swear they have like a cord connecting them no one can see.
"I'm gonna go up and see her." I nodded, and Mike skipped up the stairs, whether it was from his long legs, or his rush to see her, I'll never know. I went back to folding clothes, something to keep my mind off what I just heard. She was the first to get married, and now she's the first one to get a divorce. I always worry about that girl.
~~~~~
I walked gingerly to her room, noticing the door open just a crack. She's lying on her bed, eyes closed, listening to music. I know she's not asleep, not lying on her back. Even pregnant, Kayleigh found ways to sleep on her side. I caught the songs she was listening to; Ramones, Rock and Roll High School. We hadn't listened to these songs... since the day we met her. I walked in her room, looking around. Picture frames were empty, the only light was coming from the window, which wasn't much help on a cloudy day. I went and sat on her bed, and grabbed her hand.
"Kay, talk to me." She opened her eyes, and pleaded with me through looks. 'Please,' her eyes screamed at me. 'please don't make me...'
~~~~~~
"Alone again...naturally." I sang that to myself for the millionth time today. They left me here, to think about how I was about to break Kayleigh's heart. How I was about to almost murder her, just like those gang members did 5 years ago. I remembered her saying how she was gonna commit suicide, but then we started hanging out with her, and made her feel better. Load of crud, I thought, until the day I found the cutting shears with her blood on them. She was serious. And to think of Aubrey. Her parents barely married three years. Been through so much, and can't make it work. So much for the idea of more children. But yet, I am only 21. An adult. After all these years of acting like one, I finally am, and my first act? Divorce. I sat on my bed, and strummed out the song Armatage Shanks. I wrote that about the panic attacks I have. Why is this, one of the hardest things in my life, not causing an attack? I prayed for one, to tell me no, to run back to her, cuddle her, say everything's gonna be okay. But the urge to hop in the car is never really there. God, when did it come to this!
~~~~~
I held her gaze for the longest time, until she teared up, rolling into a little ball.
"He's gonna divorce me, isn't he."
"Kay..."
"He is. I feel it. But I'm not going to tell him."
"He's gonna know soon."
"Too bad. He shoulda thought about that." Obviously, we had hit her nerve to make her actually cold blooded. Now she wasn't even going to tell him she's pregnant. She has to be really hurting.
"I'll always be here for ya. You know that right?"
"You have to, you're my big brother." I smiled, and as much as she tried, she did get a little smirk across those pale drawn lips.
"Go ahead, take a nap. If anything..."
"Wake me up when he gets here." It's like she had me on walkie-talkie or something! I went downstairs, and the phone rang. It was Sam.
"Hey baby."
"Hey."
"What's wrong?"
"Billie Joe and KJ are getting a divorce, she's two months pregnant, and he doesn't know, and she don't wanna tell him."
"What?"
"It's true."
"Good thing I'm almost home. We're in Duncanville. I'll see you pronto."
"Love you."
"Love you." I needed to hear that right about now. My heart was sunken in a misty cloud of hurt and pain. I needed her to be here, with my baby girl. Thinking of Riley made me think of Aubrey. I went in the nursery, and watched as Allie played with her.
"Sam's coming home."
"That's good to hear."
"You think she's gonna be alright?"
"I just don't know Mike. And it scares me. It scares Tre."
"It scares me too. It's like she's holding on to that miracle. I just don't think it's gonna happen." She shook her head, but had to laugh as Aubrey did the same. I picked up Tre Jr., bouncing him around. If that baby Kayleigh's carrying is a baby boy, he's gonna grow up without a father there all the time. How Billie Joe would eat himself alive for that!
Time passed, and Sam came home. We were both a little teary eyed, and I ran to hug her. I held her for at least a good ten minutes, and then she handed me Riley, and went up to see Kayleigh. I wanted to be up when Billie Joe came in. If he came in. Maybe I could talk him out of it. About 8, his car was in the driveway. He gets out, and opens the door to the house. It's almost like he's stunned to see me there.
"Where is she?"
"Sam's upstairs with her. Don't do it in the bedroom, Billie Joe. She'll have no where to go." He knew as well as I did that she wasn't gonna sit still when she heard this news from him. So he takes a seat, and I go to get her.
"Sam, you wanna help me?" She nods, and puts her arm around KJ. It's like she's been dead to the world. We walk downstairs, and I can hear her sniffles as she sees Billie Joe in the front room. Allie and Tre come in from the kitchen. He sits on top of a chair, putting his feet in the bottom of it. KJ sits, but no where near Billie Joe. He looks sullen and depressed, not only from his own feelings, but as he scans his soon to be ex wife over. Her eyes are red and puffy, not to mention mostly lifeless. She sits now, with her hand glued inside Allie's and Sam's.
"Kayleigh..."
"I know what you came for."
"Did they tell you?" He and I exchanged looks. His, an "I can't believe you" look, while I retorted with an, "I didn't, if you'd just give her a chance to tell you!" one.
"No. I knew. It doesn't take fifteen days to realize how much you love somebody."
"Well then."
"I guess so."
I think they just agreed to getting a divorce. Tre was getting more and more unsettled with every passing moment. I knew he was going to burst, even though he knew Kayleigh didn't want Billie Joe knowing. But I think he has a right to know...
"I guess we'll go down to the court..."
"YOU CAN'T!" Tre jumped out of his seat; rather, off it, as we all turned to face him...
