Dead end, chapter 1
My dear loaded friend
Please hear what I'm saying
You're not gonna win
At this game you're playing
You'll go straight to hell
If you go anywhere
I tell you this
Only because I care
Slow down friend
Your wicked ways you've got to mend
Hit the brakes my friend
You're headed for a dead end
You're pulling the wool
Over everyone's eyes
When you say that you're clean
While you savor your highs
Yes, you are slick
And I'm just a fool
But the Devil
Is gonna take you to school
You knew you were losing the game you were in
When you had to do time for heroin
You turned to the Lord and you got salvation
But you thought it would be different with some medication
After your completion of a famous rehab
Your doctor prescribed you some Loritab
It helped your anxiety and general pain
But the pilot was ignited and now you're insane
You say it's from a doctor so it doesn't count
You have a real prescription for a medical amount
You speak sober lingo but your eyes are pinned
You'd suck my cock for some Vicodin
Like so many before, you developed "bad back"
And to cool it down, took a chunk o' smack
One day at a time you sell your soul
Submerged in denial, you're out of control
The real things in your life are up on the shelf
Like most of us, I guess, you've got to find out for yourself
You don't want a square telling you what to do
The rules of the road don't apply to youBut when I look in your eyes, my heart gets the knife
Cuz you made a wrong turn on the road of life
I'm only trying to flag you down my friend
Pull over, turn around, you're headed for a dead end
Tim sighed as he looked across the room at his smaller, pale friend. He gave a shake of his head as he watched him, loaded and fucked beyond belief. He could tell he'd just had a chase....his eyes were like marbles and he seemed happy for once, he thought he'd sworn off of the smack for good but he should've known better. Once an addict always an addict as the old addage says, you can never escape it, it's almost as if the smack SEEKS you out. It knows you're an addict and it knows that you want it and that it's stronger then you....but you don't see that no...all you see is the great euphoria you get from your cure all. The thing about being an addict is that you are NEVER cured, you can't be near it at all if you are then you'll go back to doing it end of story. You can't see it, smell it, or touch it without wanting it. A sad reminiscent smile crossed Tim's face, his blue eyes creasing at the sides as he did so. He thought about the old times, before all of this shit, before his friend had needed the drug to have a good time. What happened Billie...uh? What happened kid...I remember the day's we'd go to the shows and have a good time, and now you can't even act normal without your heroin. It's gotten to the point where you'd probably fuck the shit out of anyone to get some money for your junk. I remember when it first got started, in a way I feel I'm responsible considering I'm the one who got you started on this shit...but I made it out ok and I'm sober, you however weren't so lucky. I can't count the times you'd said your going off of it for good, and what's worse is you act like your sober but your eyes are pinned. It's sad kid it really is, and it hurts me to see you like this. You shouldn't need all this to make you feel good, and you shouldn't be in so much pain...it's ain't fair and I'm sorry Billie I really am. I remember all the methadone clinics I checked you into and all the meetings I took you too but it doesn't help does it? Nah it will never help because you have to want to stop and you just don't seem like you give a shit at all anymore. I've done all I could do I guess now all I can just do is hope...hope that you make it out of all this shit ok.
Billie's POV
I smiled a big toothy smile as I stared back at Jake, his eyes were much like mine were. Nice and diolated.....completely black. This was where I wanted to be, this feeling...this complete sense of perfection, and gratification was better then any show I could ever play. This is where it's at and this is where I wanna fucking be, I love this and I can say that I truly cannot wait till I get my next fix. So I'm a fucking addict big deal, at least I can fucking admit it I'm ok with it. I love my junk, it makes me feel like a million bucks, better then any sober person could ever feel. I'm so sick of everyone telling me what I should do with my fucking life, I'm happy with how I am, I have my band I have my junk all is right and I'm doing just fine. It's my life, I'm in control of this situation I could stop anytime I just don't fucking want too I love it too much. Maybe I love it too much but that's not important anymore now is it? The methadone clinics the meetings all of the rehab centers it's all bullshit. They just wanna make me feel like shit for what I am and try and tell me it's wrong...but let me as you all something, how can something so fucking great and natural be so bad? I mean HONESTLY since when was it a fucking crime to wanna feel good? That's all the junk does is make me feel like I'm the king of the world...is that so bad? To wanna feel good, and feel like all is right with the world? I think not..see if you see it from my point of view then you'd understand, but no one tries to get my side no they only see it as ,Oh my fucking god a junkie he's bad news he's this he's that...they never try and see it as hey it's just a kid who's trying to make life a little easier to live. I'm living my life how I want to live the rules don't apply to me, I'm out on my own and I'm having the best fucking ride of my life. The only thing that blows is the come downs...when I don't get my fix I can be a pretty mean and nasty guy. Not a fun person to be around at all when I get the cravings, but I always seem to find someone with some junk who's willing to sell....or who's willing to have some favors done. Anything I can do really, yeah so I've sucked some dick for junk big deal? Like you wouldn't do the same, it's not so bad I mean me being bi and all does have it's advantages. And maybe I've fucked a few people here and there it's worth it in the end because I can forget all about that shit when I get my little fix and everything's ok. I'M ok. Maybe I'm just a fucked up kid, maybe I'm just crazy or maybe I'm just trying to find a little salvation...Tim tells me I'm stupid...and that I'm making the biggest mistake of my life, though I don't know why he bothers I'm too far gone and he's responsible for it all...we both are he told me how great it was and I fucking fell in so fast. Now he's clean but me on the other hand....I'm still enjoying the ride, and I'll go through my little "I'm sober now." stints just to get everyone to shut the fuck up and think that I actually wanna stop what I'm doing. I see nothing wrong with what I'm doing and I'll probably die for it all in the end....fuck I am so going to hell hahahaha. Oh well I think the world is gonna go to hell.
No one's POV
Billie turned his head to see Tim sitting across the room with a beer in his hand. He was staring intently at his shoes with a sort of glum look on his face, he decided to go and see what was up. He walked over to the older man plopped down next to him giving him the same toothy grin he had given Jake, his dread locks were a tattered swinging mess and bobbed as he sat down.
"What's up dude?" Tim looked up from his feet only to be faced with black eyes. A sudden sadness over took him as he stared at his friend.
"Not much Bill....not much."
"What's bothering you?"
"I think you know what Billie...." Billie let out a frustrated sigh.
"Get over it man, I'm sick of your fucking lectures."
"Right...well ya know what kid? I can't fucking get over it, it hurts me to see you like this because your fucking your god damn life up and you just don't get it. And I don't think you ever will."
Billie rolled his eyes and stumbled outside, Tim followed and it was silent outside aside from the sounds of their feet on the concrete. Billie picked up his pace at the sound of Tim's footsteps behind him. Tim said nothing as he continued to follow him. Billie suddenly made an arrupt stop causing Tim to bump into him.
"STOP FUCKING FOLLOWING ME!"
"I'm trying to help you Billie...please, let me help you kid your....your fucking ruining your life with all of this."
"YEAH?! WELL MAYBE I DON'T WANT YOUR FUCKING HELP! AND YA KNOW WHAT?! YOU CAN THANK YOURSELF FOR MY SO CALLED FUCKED UP CHOICES. YOU ARE THE REASON WHY MY LITTLE HABIT GOT STARTED OR HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THAT YOU WERE THE ONE WHO FUCKING GAVE ME MY FIRST DAMN CHASE!"
Tim stood awe struck at his friend's words....he was right, but he'd never actually SAID it before and now that he had it hurt more then anything ever could to know that he was responsible for the way his friend was. He sighed as he began to speak.
"That's why I wanna help you kid...I drag you to those clinics and meetings because I care."
Billie's tone was cold and harsh as he spoke.
"Well stop fucking caring Tim, I don't want you too and I'm sick of your fucking bullshit I'm not gonna stop what I'm doing you can either accept it or hate I don't care. I don't give a shit what you have to say and I don't want your fucking help so just get the fuck out of here."
Tim looked up at his friend and for the first time in what felt like forever he felt tears spring to his eyes, Billie's eyes were cold and harsh and he didn't need anymore hints. With out a word he turned on his heel and walked away from his friend for good, he wouldn't try and help him anymore, he wouldn't talk to him about the junk anymore and he certainly wouldn't try and get him to go to rehab anymore. Billie was right, it was his life and there was nothing that Tim could do about it to change his decision, so he left, leaving Billie standing on the corner.
Please hear what I'm saying
You're not gonna win
At this game you're playing
You'll go straight to hell
If you go anywhere
I tell you this
Only because I care
Slow down friend
Your wicked ways you've got to mend
Hit the brakes my friend
You're headed for a dead end
You're pulling the wool
Over everyone's eyes
When you say that you're clean
While you savor your highs
Yes, you are slick
And I'm just a fool
But the Devil
Is gonna take you to school
You knew you were losing the game you were in
When you had to do time for heroin
You turned to the Lord and you got salvation
But you thought it would be different with some medication
After your completion of a famous rehab
Your doctor prescribed you some Loritab
It helped your anxiety and general pain
But the pilot was ignited and now you're insane
You say it's from a doctor so it doesn't count
You have a real prescription for a medical amount
You speak sober lingo but your eyes are pinned
You'd suck my cock for some Vicodin
Like so many before, you developed "bad back"
And to cool it down, took a chunk o' smack
One day at a time you sell your soul
Submerged in denial, you're out of control
The real things in your life are up on the shelf
Like most of us, I guess, you've got to find out for yourself
You don't want a square telling you what to do
The rules of the road don't apply to youBut when I look in your eyes, my heart gets the knife
Cuz you made a wrong turn on the road of life
I'm only trying to flag you down my friend
Pull over, turn around, you're headed for a dead end
Tim sighed as he looked across the room at his smaller, pale friend. He gave a shake of his head as he watched him, loaded and fucked beyond belief. He could tell he'd just had a chase....his eyes were like marbles and he seemed happy for once, he thought he'd sworn off of the smack for good but he should've known better. Once an addict always an addict as the old addage says, you can never escape it, it's almost as if the smack SEEKS you out. It knows you're an addict and it knows that you want it and that it's stronger then you....but you don't see that no...all you see is the great euphoria you get from your cure all. The thing about being an addict is that you are NEVER cured, you can't be near it at all if you are then you'll go back to doing it end of story. You can't see it, smell it, or touch it without wanting it. A sad reminiscent smile crossed Tim's face, his blue eyes creasing at the sides as he did so. He thought about the old times, before all of this shit, before his friend had needed the drug to have a good time. What happened Billie...uh? What happened kid...I remember the day's we'd go to the shows and have a good time, and now you can't even act normal without your heroin. It's gotten to the point where you'd probably fuck the shit out of anyone to get some money for your junk. I remember when it first got started, in a way I feel I'm responsible considering I'm the one who got you started on this shit...but I made it out ok and I'm sober, you however weren't so lucky. I can't count the times you'd said your going off of it for good, and what's worse is you act like your sober but your eyes are pinned. It's sad kid it really is, and it hurts me to see you like this. You shouldn't need all this to make you feel good, and you shouldn't be in so much pain...it's ain't fair and I'm sorry Billie I really am. I remember all the methadone clinics I checked you into and all the meetings I took you too but it doesn't help does it? Nah it will never help because you have to want to stop and you just don't seem like you give a shit at all anymore. I've done all I could do I guess now all I can just do is hope...hope that you make it out of all this shit ok.
Billie's POV
I smiled a big toothy smile as I stared back at Jake, his eyes were much like mine were. Nice and diolated.....completely black. This was where I wanted to be, this feeling...this complete sense of perfection, and gratification was better then any show I could ever play. This is where it's at and this is where I wanna fucking be, I love this and I can say that I truly cannot wait till I get my next fix. So I'm a fucking addict big deal, at least I can fucking admit it I'm ok with it. I love my junk, it makes me feel like a million bucks, better then any sober person could ever feel. I'm so sick of everyone telling me what I should do with my fucking life, I'm happy with how I am, I have my band I have my junk all is right and I'm doing just fine. It's my life, I'm in control of this situation I could stop anytime I just don't fucking want too I love it too much. Maybe I love it too much but that's not important anymore now is it? The methadone clinics the meetings all of the rehab centers it's all bullshit. They just wanna make me feel like shit for what I am and try and tell me it's wrong...but let me as you all something, how can something so fucking great and natural be so bad? I mean HONESTLY since when was it a fucking crime to wanna feel good? That's all the junk does is make me feel like I'm the king of the world...is that so bad? To wanna feel good, and feel like all is right with the world? I think not..see if you see it from my point of view then you'd understand, but no one tries to get my side no they only see it as ,Oh my fucking god a junkie he's bad news he's this he's that...they never try and see it as hey it's just a kid who's trying to make life a little easier to live. I'm living my life how I want to live the rules don't apply to me, I'm out on my own and I'm having the best fucking ride of my life. The only thing that blows is the come downs...when I don't get my fix I can be a pretty mean and nasty guy. Not a fun person to be around at all when I get the cravings, but I always seem to find someone with some junk who's willing to sell....or who's willing to have some favors done. Anything I can do really, yeah so I've sucked some dick for junk big deal? Like you wouldn't do the same, it's not so bad I mean me being bi and all does have it's advantages. And maybe I've fucked a few people here and there it's worth it in the end because I can forget all about that shit when I get my little fix and everything's ok. I'M ok. Maybe I'm just a fucked up kid, maybe I'm just crazy or maybe I'm just trying to find a little salvation...Tim tells me I'm stupid...and that I'm making the biggest mistake of my life, though I don't know why he bothers I'm too far gone and he's responsible for it all...we both are he told me how great it was and I fucking fell in so fast. Now he's clean but me on the other hand....I'm still enjoying the ride, and I'll go through my little "I'm sober now." stints just to get everyone to shut the fuck up and think that I actually wanna stop what I'm doing. I see nothing wrong with what I'm doing and I'll probably die for it all in the end....fuck I am so going to hell hahahaha. Oh well I think the world is gonna go to hell.
No one's POV
Billie turned his head to see Tim sitting across the room with a beer in his hand. He was staring intently at his shoes with a sort of glum look on his face, he decided to go and see what was up. He walked over to the older man plopped down next to him giving him the same toothy grin he had given Jake, his dread locks were a tattered swinging mess and bobbed as he sat down.
"What's up dude?" Tim looked up from his feet only to be faced with black eyes. A sudden sadness over took him as he stared at his friend.
"Not much Bill....not much."
"What's bothering you?"
"I think you know what Billie...." Billie let out a frustrated sigh.
"Get over it man, I'm sick of your fucking lectures."
"Right...well ya know what kid? I can't fucking get over it, it hurts me to see you like this because your fucking your god damn life up and you just don't get it. And I don't think you ever will."
Billie rolled his eyes and stumbled outside, Tim followed and it was silent outside aside from the sounds of their feet on the concrete. Billie picked up his pace at the sound of Tim's footsteps behind him. Tim said nothing as he continued to follow him. Billie suddenly made an arrupt stop causing Tim to bump into him.
"STOP FUCKING FOLLOWING ME!"
"I'm trying to help you Billie...please, let me help you kid your....your fucking ruining your life with all of this."
"YEAH?! WELL MAYBE I DON'T WANT YOUR FUCKING HELP! AND YA KNOW WHAT?! YOU CAN THANK YOURSELF FOR MY SO CALLED FUCKED UP CHOICES. YOU ARE THE REASON WHY MY LITTLE HABIT GOT STARTED OR HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THAT YOU WERE THE ONE WHO FUCKING GAVE ME MY FIRST DAMN CHASE!"
Tim stood awe struck at his friend's words....he was right, but he'd never actually SAID it before and now that he had it hurt more then anything ever could to know that he was responsible for the way his friend was. He sighed as he began to speak.
"That's why I wanna help you kid...I drag you to those clinics and meetings because I care."
Billie's tone was cold and harsh as he spoke.
"Well stop fucking caring Tim, I don't want you too and I'm sick of your fucking bullshit I'm not gonna stop what I'm doing you can either accept it or hate I don't care. I don't give a shit what you have to say and I don't want your fucking help so just get the fuck out of here."
Tim looked up at his friend and for the first time in what felt like forever he felt tears spring to his eyes, Billie's eyes were cold and harsh and he didn't need anymore hints. With out a word he turned on his heel and walked away from his friend for good, he wouldn't try and help him anymore, he wouldn't talk to him about the junk anymore and he certainly wouldn't try and get him to go to rehab anymore. Billie was right, it was his life and there was nothing that Tim could do about it to change his decision, so he left, leaving Billie standing on the corner.
