Scattered Pieces of His Heart, chapter 5
Joey and Jakob walked happily through the door to meet their dad in his hospital bed. With their big smiles, Billie couldn't help but be happy. And wonder how the hell he could ever think of leaving them.
"Hi daddy!" Jakob said, climbing onto Billie Joe's bed.
"Hi, Jakob, how're you?" Billie asked, carefully putting his arm around his son.
"Good," Jakob replied quickly.
"What about you, Joey?" Billie asked. "Aren't you gonna come sit by your dad?"
Joey nodded and got up on the bed on the other side of his dad.
"Where's your mom?" Billie asked.
"Outside," Joey replied, and Billie assumed they meant outside his door; she wouldn't let them in here by themselves.
"Daddy, why are you in the hospital?" Jakob asked innocently.
"Oh... well... um... you can talk to your mom about that, okay? I think hospitals are kinda scary, so I don't like talking about them," Billie Joe tried, having no idea what to tell his son.
"Okay," Jakob replied.
"So what have you guys been up to?" Billie Joe asked.
"Nothin'," Joey said. "We watched TV, played with toys... "
"That sounds like fun," Billie said, wishing he could get out of the damn hospital more now than ever.
"Yeah! We played some video games, too!" Jakob said.
"What video game?"
"That one racing one!" Jakob said excitedly. "And I beat Joey so many times!"
"No you didn't!" Joey defended himself.
"Yes I did!"
"Only cause I let you!"
"Yeah right! You're just mad cause you lost!"
"Nuh-uh!"
Billie laughed. Adrienne walked through the door with her arms wrapped around herself, looking like she didn't really want to be there.
"Boys, shh," she said. "You might bother some other patients."
Billie Joe looked at his wife, but she avoided his glance.
"Hi," he said cautiously.
"Hi," Adrienne nearly whispered, still not looking at him.
"Know where it is?" Billie asked, remembering hearing someone say something about it.
"Yeah, Dad," Joey said. "Come get us when you're done."
Adrienne watched her boys walk out of the room and sat down in the same chair.
"What do you want to talk about?" she asked Billie, glancing at his bandages and IV.
Instead of replying, Billie reached out and lifted his wife's head up by her chin. He looked into her eyes for a few seconds before leaning in slowly, giving her time to pull away if she wanted. Adie stayed where she was and Billie Joe kissed his wife for the first time in a long time.
"Billie... " Adrienne said, finally looking into his eyes.
"Adie, I'm so, so sorry, I don't even know where to begin... "
"Billie, I love you."
"I love you too, Adie, you know that-"
"I don't know if I can believe that."
"Wh - what?" Billie asked, stunned.
"Billie, listen. You've been acting sheltered lately, you won't let me talk to you-"
"Adie, that's not true."
"Let me finish. I never felt like you were home, you were always defensive, you never spent any time with the kids-"
"Adie, I spend as much time as possible with the kids."
"Do you? Even when you're with them, you seem to be off in your own little world-"
"Thinking about the band?" Billie cut her off, sounding a little harsh. "I know what you're going to say, Adie, but let me stop you. I think about the band so we can have food, so the kids can eat and play and sleep under a roof at night-"
"Yes, Billie, I understand, and you've got to believe I'm thankful to the point where I can't even explain-"
"Adrienne, I know, and I know you've been supportive of the band forever-"
"So then where's the problem?" Adie asked.
Billie sat silently for a minute. "I don't know."
"We need to be able to talk to each other," Adie said.
"We do-"
"We used to, Billie."
"We don't anymore?"
"I feel like there's secrets, Billie, too many of them."
"Secrets?" Billie asked in disbelief.
"You don't confide in me when there's problems, Billie, if you would've talked to me we could've sorted this whole thing out and you wouldn't've-"
"Adrienne, what would you have said when I said I wanted to kill myself?" Billie said, getting aggravated.
"I would've helped you through it!"
"You would've sent me to a physc ward!"
"Billie Joe, don't you dare say that, you know that's not true-"
"Adrienne, you would've jumped to conclusions-"
"For Christ's sake, Billie, I'm your wife! Don't you dare say I would've jumped to conclusions, or thought you were insane, or needed a shrink!" Adrienne was standing now.
"What're you saying? That you would have said, 'Oh, its fine, Billie! Life is perfect, we can work through this together!'"
"I wouldn't have said everything was fine! It obviously isn't if you're suicidal!"
Billie sat silently. For some reason he never thought of himself as suicidal.
"Billie, I love you," Adrienne said sternly, sitting back down. "But if this is going to work, we are going to have to work hard at it."
"Are you suggesting a marriage counselor?"
Adrienne sighed. "You're impossible," she muttered. Billie said nothing. "We can talk, try and do it ourselves, and then if we don't think its working, maybe a counselor would be best for us."
"So you are suggesting a counselor."
"No, I'm not! Why can't you get that through your skull?"
Billie looked down at his now-thinner bandages covering his wrists. He remembered what he had done and how he had felt when his two boys walked into his room this morning.
"Adrienne," he started calmly. "When I saw Joey and Jakob come in earlier, you've got no idea how I felt. I felt... like the shittiest man in the world. The shittiest father, the shittiest husband. I can't even describe how I felt."
"I know," Adie said, being calm as well. "I understand... I might not totally understand why you did this to yourself, but I understand that you felt empty and alone, and maybe, for some reason, you thought there was no other escape. But we can do this. We can fix everything," she assured.
Billie Joe smiled. "Thank you, Adie, thank you for everything." Billie leaned in to kiss her again, but he was stopped.
"It's not going to be easy, and it might take work. It's not going to be suddenly easy to open up to me and tell me everything, and the same goes for me."
"I know."
"Will you try, though? Will you try it for me, and for the kids?" Adie asked.
"Of course. I'd do anything for you."
Adrienne smiled through her tears that were forming, and she leaned towards him and gave him a kiss before leaving to find her boys.
"Hi daddy!" Jakob said, climbing onto Billie Joe's bed.
"Hi, Jakob, how're you?" Billie asked, carefully putting his arm around his son.
"Good," Jakob replied quickly.
"What about you, Joey?" Billie asked. "Aren't you gonna come sit by your dad?"
Joey nodded and got up on the bed on the other side of his dad.
"Where's your mom?" Billie asked.
"Outside," Joey replied, and Billie assumed they meant outside his door; she wouldn't let them in here by themselves.
"Daddy, why are you in the hospital?" Jakob asked innocently.
"Oh... well... um... you can talk to your mom about that, okay? I think hospitals are kinda scary, so I don't like talking about them," Billie Joe tried, having no idea what to tell his son.
"Okay," Jakob replied.
"So what have you guys been up to?" Billie Joe asked.
"Nothin'," Joey said. "We watched TV, played with toys... "
"That sounds like fun," Billie said, wishing he could get out of the damn hospital more now than ever.
"Yeah! We played some video games, too!" Jakob said.
"What video game?"
"That one racing one!" Jakob said excitedly. "And I beat Joey so many times!"
"No you didn't!" Joey defended himself.
"Yes I did!"
"Only cause I let you!"
"Yeah right! You're just mad cause you lost!"
"Nuh-uh!"
Billie laughed. Adrienne walked through the door with her arms wrapped around herself, looking like she didn't really want to be there.
"Boys, shh," she said. "You might bother some other patients."
Billie Joe looked at his wife, but she avoided his glance.
"Hi," he said cautiously.
"Hi," Adrienne nearly whispered, still not looking at him.
"Know where it is?" Billie asked, remembering hearing someone say something about it.
"Yeah, Dad," Joey said. "Come get us when you're done."
Adrienne watched her boys walk out of the room and sat down in the same chair.
"What do you want to talk about?" she asked Billie, glancing at his bandages and IV.
Instead of replying, Billie reached out and lifted his wife's head up by her chin. He looked into her eyes for a few seconds before leaning in slowly, giving her time to pull away if she wanted. Adie stayed where she was and Billie Joe kissed his wife for the first time in a long time.
"Billie... " Adrienne said, finally looking into his eyes.
"Adie, I'm so, so sorry, I don't even know where to begin... "
"Billie, I love you."
"I love you too, Adie, you know that-"
"I don't know if I can believe that."
"Wh - what?" Billie asked, stunned.
"Billie, listen. You've been acting sheltered lately, you won't let me talk to you-"
"Adie, that's not true."
"Let me finish. I never felt like you were home, you were always defensive, you never spent any time with the kids-"
"Adie, I spend as much time as possible with the kids."
"Do you? Even when you're with them, you seem to be off in your own little world-"
"Thinking about the band?" Billie cut her off, sounding a little harsh. "I know what you're going to say, Adie, but let me stop you. I think about the band so we can have food, so the kids can eat and play and sleep under a roof at night-"
"Yes, Billie, I understand, and you've got to believe I'm thankful to the point where I can't even explain-"
"Adrienne, I know, and I know you've been supportive of the band forever-"
"So then where's the problem?" Adie asked.
Billie sat silently for a minute. "I don't know."
"We need to be able to talk to each other," Adie said.
"We do-"
"We used to, Billie."
"We don't anymore?"
"I feel like there's secrets, Billie, too many of them."
"Secrets?" Billie asked in disbelief.
"You don't confide in me when there's problems, Billie, if you would've talked to me we could've sorted this whole thing out and you wouldn't've-"
"Adrienne, what would you have said when I said I wanted to kill myself?" Billie said, getting aggravated.
"I would've helped you through it!"
"You would've sent me to a physc ward!"
"Billie Joe, don't you dare say that, you know that's not true-"
"Adrienne, you would've jumped to conclusions-"
"For Christ's sake, Billie, I'm your wife! Don't you dare say I would've jumped to conclusions, or thought you were insane, or needed a shrink!" Adrienne was standing now.
"What're you saying? That you would have said, 'Oh, its fine, Billie! Life is perfect, we can work through this together!'"
"I wouldn't have said everything was fine! It obviously isn't if you're suicidal!"
Billie sat silently. For some reason he never thought of himself as suicidal.
"Billie, I love you," Adrienne said sternly, sitting back down. "But if this is going to work, we are going to have to work hard at it."
"Are you suggesting a marriage counselor?"
Adrienne sighed. "You're impossible," she muttered. Billie said nothing. "We can talk, try and do it ourselves, and then if we don't think its working, maybe a counselor would be best for us."
"So you are suggesting a counselor."
"No, I'm not! Why can't you get that through your skull?"
Billie looked down at his now-thinner bandages covering his wrists. He remembered what he had done and how he had felt when his two boys walked into his room this morning.
"Adrienne," he started calmly. "When I saw Joey and Jakob come in earlier, you've got no idea how I felt. I felt... like the shittiest man in the world. The shittiest father, the shittiest husband. I can't even describe how I felt."
"I know," Adie said, being calm as well. "I understand... I might not totally understand why you did this to yourself, but I understand that you felt empty and alone, and maybe, for some reason, you thought there was no other escape. But we can do this. We can fix everything," she assured.
Billie Joe smiled. "Thank you, Adie, thank you for everything." Billie leaned in to kiss her again, but he was stopped.
"It's not going to be easy, and it might take work. It's not going to be suddenly easy to open up to me and tell me everything, and the same goes for me."
"I know."
"Will you try, though? Will you try it for me, and for the kids?" Adie asked.
"Of course. I'd do anything for you."
Adrienne smiled through her tears that were forming, and she leaned towards him and gave him a kiss before leaving to find her boys.
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