Please Don't Take My Sunshine Away, chapter 6
"She doesn't know what she's saying, Frank. Please stay" my mom says sweetly. It makes me sick. But I know better than to argue with my mother. She'll only cry again, but I can't stand to see her cry.
I decide to sleep until they leave me alone. They talked about how it was great of god to give me another chance, how lucky I was to have survived. Didn't they understand? I didn't want any second chances. I felt like I was anything but lucky. After a few hours they leave and I'm left alone.
This is more like it. All alone.
I always liked being alone. I don't know why, it made me feel free. People made me feel claustrophobic and I would get scared of crowds.
I took a walk through the hospital. I climbed up the stairs all the way up to the roof. Why wouldn't they leave me alone, I wondered as I looked over the edge. I just wanted this to stop. I was so confused, so lonely, so scared. Frank and I had grown apart. My parents didn't understand that. No one understood.
These were the things that raced through my head when I took my last steps. My last steps off the edge.
This time there would be no second chances.
I didn't feel myself land on the ground twelve stories below. I just got up, brushed myself off, and thought, "Wow, that was fun."
Of course I understood what had happened to me. I wasn't stupid. I saw my bloody, mangled body on the ground where I had landed. I saw someone leaving, seeing me there, running to get the doctors. I followed them as they took me into a room and tried to fix me. I felt free.
As they tried to bring me back to life, I felt dragged towards my body.
No, I thought. I earned this freedom. Let me die.
I laughed as the doctors finally gave up on me. A boy who must have been six or seven years old walked by me. He looked at me, then without him moving his lips he spoke to me.
Why are you laughing, he said.
It's over, I thought, laughing. I'm laughing because it's all over.
I guess he heard me because he shook his head and said, "That's not funny. It's all been over for me for thirty years, and I wish things could just go back to the way they were." This time he spoke aloud. It was starting to sink in for me that nothing would be the same. Ever again.
I should go see Frank. I want to know how he'll deal with this. I want to know if I'll ever talk to him again.
As I start to leave I feel a man pulling on my shirt.
"What do you want?"
"I can't go out there. I can't. Sorry, I haven't introduced myself. I'm Andy Armstrong, I died of lung cancer nearly five years ago. If you find them.. Could you... Could you somehow let my family know that I love them? It would mean so much.. I miss them so much.." He starts to cry.
"I'll tell them. I promise."
I start walking to Frank's house, stopping to see all of the beautiful animals. Yes, I know that very few animals live here. But many used to. Now all that's here are houses. Rows upon rows of ugly, disgusting houses.
I finally get to Frank's house after hopping onto a bus. One benefit of being dead: you don't have to pay to go on the bus. I was quite enjoying this.
I knock on the door, but no one comes, so I just walk in. I search the house and eventually find Frank in the basement, crying.
The phone is smashed and there are dents in the walls. Frank is in the corner, shaking, bawling his eyes out while squeezing a small bear.
Wait. That's the bear I gave him for his sixth birthday. I look around the dark room to see framed pictures of the two of us together, when we were younger. We looked so happy. What happened to us?
"Frank?" I say, placing my hand on his shoulder. "Franky, it's me."
He looks up at me with his teary eyes, looks confused, and then starts squeezing the bear again. I don't know what to do. Then I get an idea.
I dig around his CD collection for a while until I find the one I want. It's right at the bottom, as usual. I turn up the speakers and the song plays.
Walked around my good intentions
But found that there were none
Frank looked around. He smiled, still crying.
I blame my father for the wasted years
We hardly talked...
Never thought I would forget this, hey,
Then a phone call made me realise I'm wrong
He knows now that I'm here. This was my favorite song. It always made me cry.
And if I don't make it, know that I loved you all along
Just like sunny days that we ignored
Because we're all dumb and jaded
And I hope to god I figure out what's wrong...
I decide to sleep until they leave me alone. They talked about how it was great of god to give me another chance, how lucky I was to have survived. Didn't they understand? I didn't want any second chances. I felt like I was anything but lucky. After a few hours they leave and I'm left alone.
This is more like it. All alone.
I always liked being alone. I don't know why, it made me feel free. People made me feel claustrophobic and I would get scared of crowds.
I took a walk through the hospital. I climbed up the stairs all the way up to the roof. Why wouldn't they leave me alone, I wondered as I looked over the edge. I just wanted this to stop. I was so confused, so lonely, so scared. Frank and I had grown apart. My parents didn't understand that. No one understood.
These were the things that raced through my head when I took my last steps. My last steps off the edge.
This time there would be no second chances.
I didn't feel myself land on the ground twelve stories below. I just got up, brushed myself off, and thought, "Wow, that was fun."
Of course I understood what had happened to me. I wasn't stupid. I saw my bloody, mangled body on the ground where I had landed. I saw someone leaving, seeing me there, running to get the doctors. I followed them as they took me into a room and tried to fix me. I felt free.
As they tried to bring me back to life, I felt dragged towards my body.
No, I thought. I earned this freedom. Let me die.
I laughed as the doctors finally gave up on me. A boy who must have been six or seven years old walked by me. He looked at me, then without him moving his lips he spoke to me.
Why are you laughing, he said.
It's over, I thought, laughing. I'm laughing because it's all over.
I guess he heard me because he shook his head and said, "That's not funny. It's all been over for me for thirty years, and I wish things could just go back to the way they were." This time he spoke aloud. It was starting to sink in for me that nothing would be the same. Ever again.
I should go see Frank. I want to know how he'll deal with this. I want to know if I'll ever talk to him again.
As I start to leave I feel a man pulling on my shirt.
"What do you want?"
"I can't go out there. I can't. Sorry, I haven't introduced myself. I'm Andy Armstrong, I died of lung cancer nearly five years ago. If you find them.. Could you... Could you somehow let my family know that I love them? It would mean so much.. I miss them so much.." He starts to cry.
"I'll tell them. I promise."
I start walking to Frank's house, stopping to see all of the beautiful animals. Yes, I know that very few animals live here. But many used to. Now all that's here are houses. Rows upon rows of ugly, disgusting houses.
I finally get to Frank's house after hopping onto a bus. One benefit of being dead: you don't have to pay to go on the bus. I was quite enjoying this.
I knock on the door, but no one comes, so I just walk in. I search the house and eventually find Frank in the basement, crying.
The phone is smashed and there are dents in the walls. Frank is in the corner, shaking, bawling his eyes out while squeezing a small bear.
Wait. That's the bear I gave him for his sixth birthday. I look around the dark room to see framed pictures of the two of us together, when we were younger. We looked so happy. What happened to us?
"Frank?" I say, placing my hand on his shoulder. "Franky, it's me."
He looks up at me with his teary eyes, looks confused, and then starts squeezing the bear again. I don't know what to do. Then I get an idea.
I dig around his CD collection for a while until I find the one I want. It's right at the bottom, as usual. I turn up the speakers and the song plays.
Walked around my good intentions
But found that there were none
Frank looked around. He smiled, still crying.
I blame my father for the wasted years
We hardly talked...
Never thought I would forget this, hey,
Then a phone call made me realise I'm wrong
He knows now that I'm here. This was my favorite song. It always made me cry.
And if I don't make it, know that I loved you all along
Just like sunny days that we ignored
Because we're all dumb and jaded
And I hope to god I figure out what's wrong...
