First Kiss, chapter 1

It was cold. A little too cold, even though we were in each other's arms. His eyes looked down at mine as mine looked up into his. I lost myself in them for a moment. This was too good to be true. It was almost like a dream. It was a dream.

The next morning I found myself going through old photographs. Pictures of when we had been together. It was almost as if the memories didn't want to fade away. I dropped them back into the box before putting the lid on to try again to go through another day without remembering him. It had been so long ago since that day. So long since the night he was taken from me. All I could do was either remember it or cry. Crying wasn't exactly what I wanted to do. People saw that as being weak. I didn't want to be seen like that. Instead I kept my emotions bottled up inside. To everyone else it was like it had never happened. Everyone remembered seeing us together. Everyone remembered us being so happy and being so cute together. No one saw the dark side. No one saw his pain. I did, but no one believed me. I did, but no one would trust me. I did, but then again, he put himself through it and there was no way I could talk him out of it. The day he left, all I could think about was the times that we had together. All I could think about was the times we shared and the memories I could and will never forget. I still think about him. I know I shouldn't. But I still do. I can't stop and believe reality. For some reason, I feel like my world is programmed, but a man behind a computer punching into it my future. It seems to be, since this is the only way I can describe it. It seems that all bad luck comes to me. When my world finally looks bright and sunny, it comes crashing down onto me. Piercing my heart and cutting me up so that there is nothing left of me. My soul feels like it's breaking down and being eaten away. It's going. Time is leaving. Time is running out. It's leaving. Life is short.


I made my way down to school the same way I did everyday. Everyday for the past four years. Down the main road and through the back park onto the oval that backed up against the school. Water dropped down onto me. It was great. The skies were dark and everything just seemed perfect. NOT. I was lonely and tired and I didn't want to be here. That's until I saw him.

He was standing there. Shaggy dyed hair. A shirt that was slightly too big for him. Shorts that were ripped. Black Converse.

He was perfect.

Only thing was, he had someone and I wasn't good enough for him. Even if I tried. It wouldn't have worked. Everyday, the thought of having him slipped into my mind. Everyday it slipped back out. There was no choice. There was no chance. I tried to think more optimistically. It didn't work. Nothing ever worked out for me. All I had was myself and my best friend. He was the only one that I could tell anything to, the one I could share my deepest, darkest secrets with. He was the only one I could trust, the one I had first cried to in second grade, and the one who was there when family had passed away. He was all I had left.

But soon, he was going to be taken too.

Apart from him, there was my older brother. I cared about him as much as he cared about me. We never showed it though. We couldn't. It was like a law set in stone hundreds of years ago. I'm going to be sad when I see him leave in search for his real mother. Although we're only 'steps,' I feel so close to him. It was a miracle my parents had adopted him in the first place. It was amazing that he had taken care of me and looked out for me. He was special, but I could never tell him. It was a quiet relationship we had. Of course we fought, and at times were mad at each other and miserable, but it was part of being in a family. We were family and I love him as much as I would if he was blood-related to me.

I continued to keep walking through the rain. It was horrible. It was like the world was trying to get me down today.

If only I hadn't had that dream. If only my mind had kept me happy and a man behind a computer didn't control my world, maybe things could be different. I continued walking into the distance. My locker wasn't far away. My morning had already gone as predicted. It was like it was on repeat. Over and over and over and over. It was normal. Nothing extraordinary would ever happen. I got my books and walked to English like I did every Monday morning. That's when I saw him again. His blue eyes glittered against the grey sky background. He looked perfect. He was perfect.

The only thing that wasn't perfect was that she was there.

She was what almost every girl thrived to be. A pitiless, cold-hearted bitch. She looked like the people in the movies and on magazine covers. Tall, blonde, blue eyed, with a perfect smile. Completely plastic. I don't know why people would want to be like that. I guess it was almost like a conforming addiction - it was like a drug. If enough people wanted it, it would become a craze. It was amazing how the world worked like that. I bet that computer man came up with that. Damn sexist.

I walked into English and sat down where I usually sat: back row nearest to the window. My best friend came and sat next to me. He knew something was bothering me. He knew he could get the answers out of me.

"What's up, little one?" he asked, pulling his chair out before he took a seat. 'Little one'. Why was I referred to as that? Was it because of my height? I know 5'2" is short, but come on. LITTLE ONE!

"Yeah, alright. I guess," I replied, trying to hide the real feelings inside.

"You can tell me the truth, Steph. I won't say anything, I promise," he told me, leaning on the desk, holding his head in his hands. I let my eyes look down at him, wondering why he was acting like this.

"Billie Joe, don't be so nice to me," I told him outright.

"Who ever said I was being nice?," he asked, smiling and resting his head on the desk. I looked down at him again, rolling my eyes.

"You act like you're pissed off at the world," he told me.

"No I don't," I replied.

"You do, you get yourself down. Don't be like this," he told me, putting an arm around me. I shuffled away before resting into him for comfort.

"Why does the world make me hate it so much?" I asked. He shook his head.

"Don't let it get to you."

That's when he walked in. Walked in with her. Into my English class.

I couldn't believe it - it was like the world really was against me. As a matter of fact, I was acting a little sarcastic before. Well, maybe not. I guess the world does hate me.

"Why does she have to take this class as well?" I asked, quietly getting comfortable in his arms. There was nothing better than cuddling with your best friend. Even if the world did hate you.

"She doesn't. She's just trying to get him back," he told me.

"Get him back?"

"Yeah."

My day started to get better. He was single. She wanted him back. But I knew I had no chance. Even Billie knew that. It was pointless.

He came and sat down next to Billie. I wondered why. Then it registered. They were friends, in the same band. What an idiot. I bet that was due to the man programming me. I swear I hate him, controlling me like this. I watched him closely as he sat down. The way he pulled his hair out and pulled it in underneath himself. He was the only thing in this world that wasn't fucked up in some way. Then again, everything in this world is fucked up. But he was fucked up in a beautiful way. His eyes continued to glitter and sparkle even when the world was like this. Black and white with no grey.

"Hi, Tre," was the only thing I could get out quietly. He looked and smiled.
It was at that point that I could have melted into Billie's lap and then dripped onto the floor. His smile was amazing. Magical in a sense. Okay, maybe I'm overrating a bit, but it was the most beautiful thing I had seen in the world. He managed to mutter a few words back with another smile.

It was amazing. I felt as if the world didn't exist of only black and white but had shades of grey in there as well. If only it could have colour. No. Colour was a little to far-fetched for now.

I smiled to myself and looked up at Billie. He returned the smile and hugged me a little tighter. He knew I was happy. Not that I showed it. It was like a feeling a best friend could pick up. It was just how we were. We were close like that. He sat me up properly and told me to breathe in and out calmly. I did as he told me to.

That English class passed way to quickly. Probably since I was watching Tre from the corner of my eye during the whole lesson. It was so cute to see the way he wrote and scribbled out phrases when he didn't like them. He was truly beautiful. To me he was. Probably to most of the school as well, but that didn't bother me. My world seemed to add a colour. It was red.

The colour of love.

I wasn't looking forward to the bell ringing but I knew it was going to soon. I would be off in another class and he'd be gone. The memories would be the only things left. I didn't want more memories. They only brought pain and discomfort to me and I couldn't stand it.

I watched him stand up and pick up his bag.

He offered to walk me to art class.

I looked at Billie Joe for an answer. He leant over and hugged me so that we could whisper to each other.

"Just walk with him and don't go all shy," he told me.

"I wont be able to. Why is he even asking me anyway?" I asked curiously, as I smiled over his shoulder to the boy waiting. He smiled back.

"I don't know, but just go and don't freak out, okay?" Billie told me. I nodded and smiled before I walked over to Tre and we walked out of the room. My world consisted now of five colours: white, black, grey, red, and blue.

Those eyes of his were amazing. Blue. What a depressing colour if you think of it. But no, his eyes were amazing. They made me melt. Made me feel weak. Made me want to smile. This computer programming man was actually doing something nice for to me.

"Here, let me carry your art bag for you," he offered, taking it from my hands. I smiled and placed my hands into my pockets as we walked down the hall together. I saw his ex standing at her biology room door with one of the football jocks. She gave me a look. If looks could kill, this would be it.

My world now has lost it's colour red. I'm sure now that people in this world have no hearts. I wonder why. Are we programmed to love? Are we programmed to want to love? Personally this whole love subject is getting me down. So let's get to art.

"Here's your bag," he said, giving it back to me. I smiled and took my canvas out to finalize some touches on it. He sat on the table that I had the canvas near and watched me paint. It was awkward. The painting was black and white. No other colours seemed to matter. Then again, blue and yellow still existed.

I looked at his eyes again before he noticed and mixed a bit of paint in the palette to try get the exact colour. I used it for the tears coming from the eyes of the painted figure. He took the brush from me and fixed part of the eyes.

"Do you mind?" he asked. I shook my head.

"No, it's fine," I muttered, putting the canvas underneath the window to dry. He followed me over.

"Wanna go paint outside? It gives us privacy," he asked me.

"Us? Why would we need privacy?" I asked him. He looked down at the ground, turning his feet inwards.

It was the cutest thing I had ever seen.

Red was back into my world of black and white.

He looked back up and paused before continuing to talk.
"You know... it's just nice when a few people sit together and act all arty," he explained.

I smiled as an idea came into my head.

"Would you mind getting dirty?" I asked, smiling. He shook his head.

"Okay, I'll go get Mike to help you carry that massive canvas outside," I told him, pointing to a large one.

"That massive one?" Tre asked. I nodded.

"You're crazy," he said.

"I know," I whispered, carrying paint cans outside while Tre and my brother carried out the canvas and put it on the football field.

"Okay," I said, starting to paint Tre red. He giggled and fidgeted.

"Don't move," I told him, continuing to paint. He stood still like a puppy being told what to do.

Once he was painted, I instructed him to lay down on the canvas as I rolled him over and over to paint it. He giggled, making me smile, but I kept it hidden. Mike could tell though. There wasn't much a big brother didn't notice. I helped Tre up and took his plaid shirt off of him and started to wash it under the tap outside to get the paint off of it. Mike shook his head and stood in the paint before stepping on the canvas to make a pattern.

Just as the shirt was getting dry, the bell went. The boys carried the canvas in before Tre came back out for his shirt.

"Here's your stuff," he said, kindly handing my bag over. I smiled and handed his shirt to him. He smiled before excusing himself. I watched him walk off. Walk off to her again. They were like magnets attracted to each other. They hugged as she looked over his shoulder towards me. That look came out again. That's when red left my world again.

Hearts break and release feelings and emotions.

Those emotions are red.

Red is now missing.


That afternoon, I was walking around the campus and it became dark again. The rain started to fall and soak into my clothing. It was gorgeous. The sky was dark and the world as I knew it was going back to normal. I continued to walk down to my next class. It continued to rain. I saw Billie on the way. He smiled as usual, but that smile didn't make me happy. There was only one smile that did and it didn't belong to me.

Billie came over and comforted me again, knowing something was wrong. He asked if I wanted to go home.

"Yeah."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, come with me," I took his hand and walked him along the side streets until we came to my house. The rain seemed so calm. It was like it wanted me to relax. It was working.

"Steph, you going to be okay?"

"Yeah, why?"

"It's just... I haven't seen you like this before."

"What do you mean?"

"Dark, but in high spirits," he told me, smiling. I smiled back.

He had noticed how happy I had become with Tre around, but he too knew the competition involved with getting Tre. He was the most wanted guy on the campus. Every girl had a thing for him, even if they didn't admit to it or if it was too small to notice. I continued to walk Billie inside to where I comfortably made it onto my bed. Billie got down and laid beside me, kinda watching over me like a guardian angel. That's exactly what he was. My own guardian angel. I shuffled closer towards him and rested against him gently, as I felt an arm go around me.

"You'll be alright, trust me," he whispered, shutting his eyes. I shut mine too, and within a few minutes we were both dead asleep.


That was until his mobile went off. I heard him gently growl and feel around in his pockets for it, in a rush to try and not wake me up. He answered the call and started talking gently, rubbing his eyes.

"Hello?"

"Hey, how are you?"

"Not too bad."

"Yeah, come over, the stuff's set up."

"Alright, talk to you soon."

"Bye."

I tried to figure out the other parts to that conversation. I knew it couldn't have been Mike. Why would he ask to come to his own house? It could have been Jason. He was pretty shy in a way, but fun to have around, once he was comfortable with you. Or maybe it was Tre. Ah that would be perfect. But no. Tre couldn't come here. The house was horrid. I hadn't cleaned it in almost a week. I turned over onto my side and looked at Billie, who was still rubbing his eyes.

"Who was that?"

"Tre. Why?"

"What did he want?"

"To jam."

"Over here?"

"Yes over here. What's with the questions?"

"I don't know."

I turned back over and closed my eyes for a moment. He would be here alone. She wouldn't be here. This was perfect. I turned back to face Billie.

"Do you know how special you are to me?" I asked him. He shook his head.

"How special?" he asked.

"You're a rainbow in my world of black and white, Billie Joe," I told him, giving him a hug.

He hugged back, smiling and whispering some things to me. Something about being special to him and something about not taking everything too seriously. I smiled and cuddled closer. Was it wrong to do this with a best friend? I mean, to show some kind of affection, even though you didn't feel in any way inclined to liking or even loving them in a more then a friends way? He didn't seem to mind, so I guess it was alright.

We were friends.

That was all.

At least I thought that was all.

Then again, out friendship was kinda weird. We'd tell each other we loved each other and would be extra close when we were together, but no, it wasn't love.

It was just friendship.

"When are the boys coming over?" I asked.

"Any minute now."

Those words came out with a ring on the doorbell. We looked at each other and agreed that I would answer the door. I got up off the bed and shuffled downstairs to the entrance. Six figures stood at the door. Six. That wasn't right. I opened the door, revealing Jason, Mike, Tre, and three of the popular girls from school obviously brought along by Tre.

"Come in," I welcomed them, turning my back when the girls entered. I got another smile from Tre, but this time it didn't feel like it meant anything. There were others around. Before, we were alone. We had privacy. Now we had a house full of people.

"I'll go get BJ from upstairs," I told them, walking up. Jason and Mike looked at each other before looking at Tre. He shrugged.

"Billie, the guys are here," I told him, walking back into my bedroom. He was sitting on the edge of the bed.

"That's nice," he let out. I looked over at the calendar.

August 30th.

September was getting nearer.

Billie was going to start losing his mind soon. Like every year around this time.

"Come on BJ, they're waiting," I told him.

"The boys won't mind," he mumbled.

"No, there are girls as well," I explained to him. He looked up at me.

"Tre's friends?" he asked. I nodded.

"Probably."

He got up from the bed and walked over, giving me a hug I didn't expect.

"You want to stay the night?" I asked. I wasn't going to let him walk home alone in this mood. He nodded and made his way downstairs to the garage to start band practice.

That afternoon I stayed in my room the whole time.

Undisturbed.

Uninterrupted.

And in peace.

That was until there was a knock on my door.

"Come in," I said before I could even think of asking who it was. A figure opened the door and came and sat down on the bed. I looked up. Blinked. And looked again.

"Tre."

"Hey. Billie said you needed cheering up."

"Meh, he did, hey?"

"Yeah."

"So you came."

"Yes I did."

"Thanks."

"It's alright."

He made himself comfortable on the bed beside me. I turned my head to look at him. He smiled. I smiled back. I wondered if this would be the same kind of relationship that I had with Billie. One of trust. Or was he only here to find out gossip and tell those plastic Barbie dolls downstairs.

"Today was fun," he murmured.

"Yeah," I whispered, smiling. Painting Tre red today did have its upside.

"Do we have art tomorrow?" he asked. I nodded.

"Yeah, first and second period," I told him. He smiled.

"You walking to school?" he asked.

"Yeah with Mike and BJ probably."

"Can I join?"

"Sure."

These first few lines of conversation seemed normal and sweet. It was like he was talking pure innocence. That was until he started talking about his ex.

"So why don't you like Liz?" he asked me. I looked up at him.

"It started a long time ago. It was a small fight and then it became bigger," I explained.

"But that doesn't give me a reason on why you hate her," he told me. I rolled over so my back was turned to him.

"I don't want to talk about it," I said sternly, but calmly.

I felt something pull gently at my hair. Twirling it around. I closed my eyes.

This was comforting.

"You can tell me. I promise it will stay between us," he told me, trying to gain some kind of trust. I shook my head, pulling away from him.

"I said I don't want to talk about it."

"Please, just with me?"

"No."

"Steph, please?"

Why was he begging for an answer? Why did he want to know so badly?

"Tre, please, I really don't want to talk about it. I'm not in the mood."

"What would get you in the mood?"

"Tre, please don't. I don't want to talk about it, and that's final."

"But why?"

"'Cause you'll tell all those plastic Barbie dolls downstairs."

"I won't, I promise. It will stay between us," he told me, starting to play with my hair again. I closed my eyes. I guess I could tell him. He seemed genuine enough.

"It's just that Liz and I were best friends and now we can't stand each other," I told him, shuffling closer towards him. He placed an arm around me the same way Billie did.

My eyes shut themselves automatically.

This was comfortable.

I didn't feel like I shouldn't be doing this.

He was comfortable to be around.

I could trust him.

I fell asleep against him for a few minutes. It wasn't awkward or anything. It was sweet that he stayed there. I woke up minutes later feeling something against my neck. It was cold but warm at the same time. It was his breath. Trickling down my neck. I shut my eyes again.

He had fallen asleep.

This was perfect.

Red was in my world again.

Thank you, mister computer administrator.

I spent the rest of the afternoon with my eyes shut, resting with the sleeping Tre on my bed. I didn't want this moment to end. I wish it would never end, but I knew it had to.

It had to.

Everything that started finished.

And this ended quite quickly.

"Tre!" a girl screamed from downstairs. He opened his eyes and blinked to become accustomed to the light. He rolled over gently to get up.

"Don't go," I managed to mumble out. He stopped. I placed an arm around him and closed my eyes again. He stopped and looked down.

"I have to though."
"No, just stay."

"Steph..."

"Tre, just stay here."

"But why?" he asked. I shook my head and told him there was no reason. I just wanted him to be there. He looked at the door and excused himself from my grip. It was at that moment that the world was black again. The computer had obviously caught a virus. I hope the guy has anti-virus on there or the world could be fucked up for a while.

I stayed alone for about an hour. Seemed much longer than that. I looked over what I had and how I could address the situation. Billie came back into the room to tell me they had ordered pizza for dinner. I wonder why fast food is so convenient. Oh well, at least I knew with BJ around I was going to be left some vegetarian.

He came and sat down beside me, looking down.

"Is everything alright?"

"Of course," I told him, getting up. I sat beside him and found my way into his arms quickly. He tightened his grip around me and I started to become accustomed to his heartbeat. The rhythm was plain and simple. I loved it. I watched his eyes glitter as he looked out into nowhere. They were my favourite shade of green. Not that they always stayed that colour. They were a little brighter when he cried and a little darker when he was scared. How much I wanted to know what I meant to him. I couldn't ask though. It would just be awkward.

"Love you," I whispered in our friendship talk.

"Love you too," he replied with a giggle.

"No, I mean I really love you," I continued, playing the game.

"Really?" he asked.

"Yeah," I told him.

He paused for a moment, biting his lip.

"What's wrong?" I asked, being cut off by a finger gently being placed on my lips.

"Just... it's... I..." he let out, before he laid down on the bed again.

We spent the rest of the night together. Closer than usual. There was basically no air space between us. I couldn't help but watch him while he slept. He seemed so innocent. So pure. Just like a guardian angel. My world slowly started to become technicoloured.


The next day I found myself at the kitchen table, eating breakfast with my brother, which was weird. We rarely saw each other. He kept quiet, but I know he wanted to ask something. He was curious. That was something I could tell about Mike. When he was curious about something.

"So what did you and Billie do last night?" he asked.

"Nothing."

"Steph, you can tell me."

"If something happened, I would tell you. Trust me."

"Promise?"

"Mike, I swear to you."

I wondered why Mike would ask something like that. He knew I didn't have feelings for Billie. Or did I? No, no, it was only a friendship, that was all. Billie and I were just friends. Just friends.

Why was my world so confusing?

Why did Billie need to be so attractive?

Almost as attractive as Tre.

NO, WHAT?!! Billie is not attractive. Erase that thought.

Okay, that's better.

Tre. Lets keep that on my mind.


I made my way back up to my bedroom. The stairs seemed to continue forever. This made me tired. I didn't want to be tired. I walked back into my room and dropped back down onto my bed, making a thud type sound.

"You okay?"

"I'm fine."

Billie walked around the room, trying to find his amp cord.

"It's next to the computer," I whispered. He smiled and picked it up, walking over to the bed. He sat down on the edge and we started talking. About nothing really. Just random things. I looked at the calendar. It was August 31st. The first of September was tomorrow, meaning he was either going to come back to being normal or in a complete mess. At the end of the conversation, we went into detail a little. Before he left, he made clear between us both how he felt.

"You know you're my best friend."

"Yeah, I know."

"And I love you like a best friend."

"But no more."

"Yeah, no more," he said quietly.

"It's okay, Billie. I don't expect you to."

"It's just..."

"Billie, it's fine."

With that, I got a kiss on the cheek before he left my bedroom. I wondered why the heart was made to be like it is. They use it as a symbol of love when all it actually does it pump blood and oxygen around your body. When people say they're heartbroken, I wonder why they don't use a different phrase? I mean, can hearts really break? I wonder why it's associated with love.

Damn computer man controlling us.

Why can't I have the answers to the questions that I want?

Why is the world being so mean to me?

I want answers and I want them now, damnit.


Later that day, I walked downstairs to see Tre on the couch. His eyes were watery. As if he had been crying. I sat down beside him and asked what was wrong. He told me everything about Liz like I was the only person he could tell. He told me every in detail like he trusted me not to tell anyone else.

He was trusting me.

Did I deserve his trust?

We quickly found our way into each other's arms. I comforted him as well as I could. He seemed to not mind the intimacy between us. He was so warm. So comfortable. So easy to be around. I wondered why he was letting me become so close to him. I mean, since when did I ever have a chance? It was weird. This was all a little too freaky. I took his mind off the pain and heartache Liz was causing him and started to talk to him about music. This seemed to lighten him up and lift his spirits. We continued talking, becoming closer and more aware of what each other was doing. He continued to keep crying. His eyes became a brighter blue than usual. They were becoming tear stained.

Slowly his arms found their way around me.

Slowly he started to bite his lip.

Slowly he started to shuffle around on the couch.

Slowly I started to place my hands on his chest.

Slowly I started to move closer towards him.

Slowly I started to look into his eyes.

Slowly our lips met each other's.

The kiss was quick, gentle, and sweet. We broke apart seconds later and broke eye contact between one another. I shuffled away from him slightly, not knowing what to expect. He was either going to hate me or be okay with the situation.

I felt a hand lay on top of mine. I turned my head to see what exactly was happening. He smiled. I smiled back. We linked fingers gently and I leaned into him. The comfort of his breathing and steady heartbeat almost put me to sleep...