First Kiss, chapter 5
"Steph, come back, please?"
"Why should I, Billie Joe?"
"Because I want to talk to you."
"And why would you want to do that?"
"Because I wanna know why you're angry with me."
"I never said I was angry with you."
I started to hail for a cab. It started raining. The city lights shone down on us. We continued to stand alone on the sidewalk.
"Well, it kind of became obvious when you slapped me before walking out of there."
"How else did you expect me to react?"
"A little less harsh."
"Billie Joe, that was Tre's ex-girlfriend you were making out with..."
"We weren't making out, okay? She came onto me, I thought I had explained that to you."
"Didn't look like that when you started to stick your tongue down her throat."
"Would you relax? I mean, what's wrong with you tonight?"
"Nothing is wrong with me, Billie Joe, okay? Nothing," I started to growl back aggressively at him. I don't think he expected me to. I raised both arms up in the air and surrendered.
"Okay, okay, I'm sorry that I was a little drunk and I hurt your feelings."
"You didn't hurt my feelings, Billie."
"Then what did I do, sweetheart?"
"You broke me."
With those last three words, I left him alone to think as I jumped into the cab. I watched through the tinted glass as it drove away slowly. I needed to release myself. I needed to find a way out. I needed to make sure I was stable to handle anything else.
****
By the time I had gotten home, he had already left a message on the machine. I didn't bother listening to the whole thing, though I probably should have. I pushed down on the red delete button and walked into the studio at the back of the house.
I'm guessing that if they wanted to find me, they would know. Not that anyone would care about how I was feeling. I felt my chest starting to close in on me. Panic attack? Most probably. I don't know why I'd be having one though. Wait. I remember now...
BROKEN HEART
I began to struggle as I walked to the studio, I was alright by the time I had gotten there, though I had made it clear to myself exactly what I was thinking.
I was stupid to think anyone would like me.
I was stupid to think Billie could ever love me.
I was thick to think Tre would care.
I picked up red paint and threw it aimlessly onto the canvas.
WHY ME?
I threw white one and it managed to mangle into the colour.
WHY HER?
I picked up black and outlined what I wanted.
WHY HIM?
I spreaded the paint with my fingers and continued to move it around the canvas.
WHY NOW?
As it started to dry, I started to write inside the painted heart
BREAK ME BILLIE JOE
****
The boys came home later that night to find me asleep on the couch. I still had paint on me, but I didn't seem to mind. I could feel someone touching me. Trying to wake me. Wanting to talk to me. Wanting to apologize. I refused to wake up. They continued to attempt to wake me. Being the bitch I am, I continued to fake sleep, although they had woken me a few minutes ago.
"Steph, wake up."
"Steph, please?"
"Steph, come on."
"I'm here to break you."
That last line made me turn around. I rolled over gently, lying on my back. I could smell alcohol through the air. In a few quick seconds, our lips touched, sealing a passion we hadn't yet felt before together. It was passion of a romance that was due to fail. That was due to crumble, and that was due to end shortly. On another wavelength though, it seemed that the passion was real love. That it was purely sensible. That it was devotion.
"Before was a mistake."
"So you say."
"No, it was. I want to make it up to you... I need to make it up to you."
"You don't, okay. It's fine. If you like the girl, go for her, I'm only going to hold you back."
"You won't, love doesn't hold anything or anyone back."
"It will with us."
"It won't."
"Will."
"Won't."
"STEPH..."
I looked over to see my brother standing at the doorway. He gave me a look of 'I need to talk to you'. This was going to be bad. My stomach started turning and knotting itself. Why was Michael here? He never came to talk to me like this. Had I done something wrong? I got up and walked over to him. He quickly closed the door behind us so we were in privacy.
"Did you want something?"
"I... ahhh... it's just..."
"Just what, Mike?"
"Aunty Lara's getting into some trouble and I was thinking about finishing school up early to go visit her and take care of her."
"Do you mean finishing the year or finishing school altogether?"
"Altogether..."
"Michael..."
"Steph, listen... it's nothing, okay. You go ahead and finish, make mom and dad proud, and I'll go take care of family, so I can stick to my morals."
"Well then I'm going to bed to finish my year of school... can you at least walk me tomorrow then?"
"I thought you travelled alone in the darkness?"
"Shut up..."
I opened the door and walked back up the stairs and down the hall to my bedroom. There was someone in my bed. Well, at least I thought I saw a figure. I wondered why he was there? I mean, I hadn't been exactly the nicest person to talk to before. I wondered if it was love.
Damn, now I sound like a lovesick teenager.
How pathetic.
I am pathetic.
I mean, he could never love me.
And I guess in a way, I could never really love him.
I slipped into something a little more comfortable and got into bed. I wasn't going to ask him to leave. I couldn't. Well actually I could, but I didn't see the problem of him being here. That's until I realised it wasn't Billie in the bed with me.
****
"Billie, I don't think she's going to like it."
"Mike, she will. Would you shut up about it?"
****
Who was in the bed with me?
Why were they in here?
I slowly started to move towards the end of the bed.
They followed, pulling me back down.
I struggled away.
They kept me pinned down.
"Let me go."
I continued to shuffle.
They straddled over me.
"Please, just let me go."
"No."
"Tre?"
"Who else?
"Get off me."
"I can't..."
"Why not?"
"Have to keep you here so Bill and Mike can organize something about you."
"So you straddle me? Tre, I thought you were going to rape me."
"I wouldn't hurt you like that."
"I know you wouldn't."
"So..."
"Ahh, why are you, like, shirtless in my bed?"
"'Cause it's hot, and I didn't think you'd mind. Why, is there something wrong?"
"Nah it's okay. Just curious, Tre."
"Curious about?"
"You."
"How curious?"
He rolled off of me and lay down, facing the ceiling, before I placed my head on his chest gently. He didn't seem to mind. We kinda just stayed like this awkwardly for a while. I don't know exactly why it was gauche, but you know, it just felt like it.
"So you happy as just friends?" He asked. I turned my head and looked up.
"Yeah, are you?" I asked quietly, running over his fingers with mine.
"I guess."
"You guess?"
"Yeah, I mean, I would have loved it if we had... you know..."
"Hooked up?"
"Not exactly."
"Well what then?"
"Just become closer."
"Yeah, me too."
That night, the two of us fell asleep quickly. I don't even remember the last few words I spoke to him. I guess the day's events had worn us out, but nothing was going to prepare me for what happened later in the night.
****
"Billie, please don't..."
"Trust me, babe, it won't hurt..."
"Billie, please, I'm not ready for this..."
"Steph, please, I love you, I wouldn't want to hurt you..."
"Billie, please don't..."
****
I woke upright again, sweating frantically. Why the hell would Billie take me to a tattoo parlour? He knew Mike wouldn't allow it.
"You okay, sweetheart?" I looked up and saw him sitting at the end of my bed.
"How long have you been there?" He didn't reply. He just left. Vanished into thin air. I felt around the bed.
"Mmmhmm," Tre let out as I hit him gently.
"Sorry, Tre."
"It's alright." He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hands.
"You okay?"
"Yeah."
"Why you up? Something scare you?"
"Just a dream."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
We started talking. I told him everything. My emotions. My feelings. My pain. My thoughts. My love.
"So you do love him?"
"Yeah."
Something had happened today.
I don't know whether it was right or wrong.
I don't know whether I should have acted the way I did.
I don't know if I was taking everything out of hand.
I don't know if it was too good to be true.
I don't know if I had just ruined everything.
or made it better...
But I can tell you... it was finished off with a kiss so beautiful, so gorgeous, and so out of this world that I had no trouble sleeping that night...
"Why should I, Billie Joe?"
"Because I want to talk to you."
"And why would you want to do that?"
"Because I wanna know why you're angry with me."
"I never said I was angry with you."
I started to hail for a cab. It started raining. The city lights shone down on us. We continued to stand alone on the sidewalk.
"Well, it kind of became obvious when you slapped me before walking out of there."
"How else did you expect me to react?"
"A little less harsh."
"Billie Joe, that was Tre's ex-girlfriend you were making out with..."
"We weren't making out, okay? She came onto me, I thought I had explained that to you."
"Didn't look like that when you started to stick your tongue down her throat."
"Would you relax? I mean, what's wrong with you tonight?"
"Nothing is wrong with me, Billie Joe, okay? Nothing," I started to growl back aggressively at him. I don't think he expected me to. I raised both arms up in the air and surrendered.
"Okay, okay, I'm sorry that I was a little drunk and I hurt your feelings."
"You didn't hurt my feelings, Billie."
"Then what did I do, sweetheart?"
"You broke me."
With those last three words, I left him alone to think as I jumped into the cab. I watched through the tinted glass as it drove away slowly. I needed to release myself. I needed to find a way out. I needed to make sure I was stable to handle anything else.
****
By the time I had gotten home, he had already left a message on the machine. I didn't bother listening to the whole thing, though I probably should have. I pushed down on the red delete button and walked into the studio at the back of the house.
I'm guessing that if they wanted to find me, they would know. Not that anyone would care about how I was feeling. I felt my chest starting to close in on me. Panic attack? Most probably. I don't know why I'd be having one though. Wait. I remember now...
BROKEN HEART
I began to struggle as I walked to the studio, I was alright by the time I had gotten there, though I had made it clear to myself exactly what I was thinking.
I was stupid to think anyone would like me.
I was stupid to think Billie could ever love me.
I was thick to think Tre would care.
I picked up red paint and threw it aimlessly onto the canvas.
WHY ME?
I threw white one and it managed to mangle into the colour.
WHY HER?
I picked up black and outlined what I wanted.
WHY HIM?
I spreaded the paint with my fingers and continued to move it around the canvas.
WHY NOW?
As it started to dry, I started to write inside the painted heart
BREAK ME BILLIE JOE
****
The boys came home later that night to find me asleep on the couch. I still had paint on me, but I didn't seem to mind. I could feel someone touching me. Trying to wake me. Wanting to talk to me. Wanting to apologize. I refused to wake up. They continued to attempt to wake me. Being the bitch I am, I continued to fake sleep, although they had woken me a few minutes ago.
"Steph, wake up."
"Steph, please?"
"Steph, come on."
"I'm here to break you."
That last line made me turn around. I rolled over gently, lying on my back. I could smell alcohol through the air. In a few quick seconds, our lips touched, sealing a passion we hadn't yet felt before together. It was passion of a romance that was due to fail. That was due to crumble, and that was due to end shortly. On another wavelength though, it seemed that the passion was real love. That it was purely sensible. That it was devotion.
"Before was a mistake."
"So you say."
"No, it was. I want to make it up to you... I need to make it up to you."
"You don't, okay. It's fine. If you like the girl, go for her, I'm only going to hold you back."
"You won't, love doesn't hold anything or anyone back."
"It will with us."
"It won't."
"Will."
"Won't."
"STEPH..."
I looked over to see my brother standing at the doorway. He gave me a look of 'I need to talk to you'. This was going to be bad. My stomach started turning and knotting itself. Why was Michael here? He never came to talk to me like this. Had I done something wrong? I got up and walked over to him. He quickly closed the door behind us so we were in privacy.
"Did you want something?"
"I... ahhh... it's just..."
"Just what, Mike?"
"Aunty Lara's getting into some trouble and I was thinking about finishing school up early to go visit her and take care of her."
"Do you mean finishing the year or finishing school altogether?"
"Altogether..."
"Michael..."
"Steph, listen... it's nothing, okay. You go ahead and finish, make mom and dad proud, and I'll go take care of family, so I can stick to my morals."
"Well then I'm going to bed to finish my year of school... can you at least walk me tomorrow then?"
"I thought you travelled alone in the darkness?"
"Shut up..."
I opened the door and walked back up the stairs and down the hall to my bedroom. There was someone in my bed. Well, at least I thought I saw a figure. I wondered why he was there? I mean, I hadn't been exactly the nicest person to talk to before. I wondered if it was love.
Damn, now I sound like a lovesick teenager.
How pathetic.
I am pathetic.
I mean, he could never love me.
And I guess in a way, I could never really love him.
I slipped into something a little more comfortable and got into bed. I wasn't going to ask him to leave. I couldn't. Well actually I could, but I didn't see the problem of him being here. That's until I realised it wasn't Billie in the bed with me.
****
"Billie, I don't think she's going to like it."
"Mike, she will. Would you shut up about it?"
****
Who was in the bed with me?
Why were they in here?
I slowly started to move towards the end of the bed.
They followed, pulling me back down.
I struggled away.
They kept me pinned down.
"Let me go."
I continued to shuffle.
They straddled over me.
"Please, just let me go."
"No."
"Tre?"
"Who else?
"Get off me."
"I can't..."
"Why not?"
"Have to keep you here so Bill and Mike can organize something about you."
"So you straddle me? Tre, I thought you were going to rape me."
"I wouldn't hurt you like that."
"I know you wouldn't."
"So..."
"Ahh, why are you, like, shirtless in my bed?"
"'Cause it's hot, and I didn't think you'd mind. Why, is there something wrong?"
"Nah it's okay. Just curious, Tre."
"Curious about?"
"You."
"How curious?"
He rolled off of me and lay down, facing the ceiling, before I placed my head on his chest gently. He didn't seem to mind. We kinda just stayed like this awkwardly for a while. I don't know exactly why it was gauche, but you know, it just felt like it.
"So you happy as just friends?" He asked. I turned my head and looked up.
"Yeah, are you?" I asked quietly, running over his fingers with mine.
"I guess."
"You guess?"
"Yeah, I mean, I would have loved it if we had... you know..."
"Hooked up?"
"Not exactly."
"Well what then?"
"Just become closer."
"Yeah, me too."
That night, the two of us fell asleep quickly. I don't even remember the last few words I spoke to him. I guess the day's events had worn us out, but nothing was going to prepare me for what happened later in the night.
****
"Billie, please don't..."
"Trust me, babe, it won't hurt..."
"Billie, please, I'm not ready for this..."
"Steph, please, I love you, I wouldn't want to hurt you..."
"Billie, please don't..."
****
I woke upright again, sweating frantically. Why the hell would Billie take me to a tattoo parlour? He knew Mike wouldn't allow it.
"You okay, sweetheart?" I looked up and saw him sitting at the end of my bed.
"How long have you been there?" He didn't reply. He just left. Vanished into thin air. I felt around the bed.
"Mmmhmm," Tre let out as I hit him gently.
"Sorry, Tre."
"It's alright." He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hands.
"You okay?"
"Yeah."
"Why you up? Something scare you?"
"Just a dream."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
We started talking. I told him everything. My emotions. My feelings. My pain. My thoughts. My love.
"So you do love him?"
"Yeah."
Something had happened today.
I don't know whether it was right or wrong.
I don't know whether I should have acted the way I did.
I don't know if I was taking everything out of hand.
I don't know if it was too good to be true.
I don't know if I had just ruined everything.
or made it better...
But I can tell you... it was finished off with a kiss so beautiful, so gorgeous, and so out of this world that I had no trouble sleeping that night...
