First Kiss, chapter 6
*THAT MORNING*
"So are you staying for the party tonight?" Mike asked. I looked at him, nodding my head before I picked up my cereal bowl and walked outside, taking a seat on the couch and turning the TV on. It was still early in the morning. Well, for me anyways.
"She seems touchy."
"Yeah, you're right, Tre. I should probably stop being so protective of her."
"Mike, you're just doing what all older brothers do." He smiled, raising his eyebrows, before leaving with Tre to go buy alcohol.
"Morning, BJ," I let out quietly as I saw him walk into the kitchen. He mumbled and stumbled around, opening up cupboards, trying to find something.
"Looking for something?" I asked, turning the volume on the set down a little so I'd be able to hear his reply.
"Where's your aspirin?" he slurred, throwing stuff out of the cabinet above the sink. I put my bowl down and walked into the kitchen, opening the drawer he was standing in front of.
"Here," was all I said before I pushed the packet into his hands. Our fingers awkwardly touched before I tried and attempted to pull away hastily. Why wouldn't my fingers move? I blushed and looked away, realizing as I did that we had linked fingers. I don't know why, or even if there was a reason for this, but it seemed right. Tre was only a friend. Billie Joe was love. I had come to accept that. Slowly and gently, he pulled away the packet so we were holding hands properly.
"You're coming tonight, right?"
"Yeah..."
"Why you so down?"
"Just confused."
"About?"
"You."
We hugged intimately and familiarly with one another. I wondered why he all of a sudden didn't need his aspirin. He threw the packet into the sink before we continued to hug.
"You know, I wouldn't ever have the guts to break your heart."
"Thanks, Bill."
"And even if I did, I wouldn't want to hurt you anyway."
"Okay."
"Listen Steph, what happened with that chick at the party... I didn't mean it."
"Okay."
"I mean it. I didn't expect anything to happen."
"I trust you, Billie."
"Doesn't seem like it."
"Why not?"
"I feel like you judge everything I do."
"Why would I judge what you do? Billie Joe, you're your own person, I don't control you. I can tell you what you can and can't do, but only to a certain point. Please don't ever think I'm judging you."
"Okay..."
"Okay what?"
"I won't think you're judging me anymore."
"Good."
"Well, I have to head on home. I'll see you tonight, right?"
"Yeah, I'll be here."
Before anything else was said, I managed to walk out and back upstairs to my bedroom. I shut the door, leaning up against it.
Why didn't I just tell him how I felt?
Why didn't I show him how I felt?
Why is my life like this?
If I was Christian, I would have prayed. Maybe even gone to church, but all I could do now was sit in my bedroom and sulk.
Sulk about how life was treating me.
Sulk about how everything isn't fair.
Sulk about how the administrator that controls my life from behind a screen is probably laughing now.
Laughing about how pathetic I am.
Laughing about how lovestruck I am.
OH god. Lovestruck.
What if Billie just thinks I'm some lovestruck teenage girl and then I get my heart broken?
Ahh, see I am pathetic.
I'm off to sleep.
****
"Tre, another drink."
Another was passed out.
"One over here."
There went another one.
"Tre, throw it."
One was thrown. After a slab was passed out, the drummer sat down.
"You're being awfully quiet, Steph."
"No, it's just that I had a little too much to drink."
"Want a water?"
"Yes, please."
Tre got up from the couch and walked off to get one for me. I love the way he took care of me. Another reason I would want him as a friend and no more. He made his way into the kitchen, swerving past a mass of people in the house before he got what he needed.
"Tre, dude, I need help getting a record out," Mike told him. He turned around and placed the glass down, climbing up a few shelves to get the record Mike wanted out of the pile of them.
"Thanks, man," Mike said, patting Tre's back before walking off with the record. Tre got down and picked up the glass. He looked at it. It was perfectly fine.
The pill that somebody dropped in there earlier seem to have dissolved.
"Here, sweetie."
"Thanks, Tre bear." I took it from him and started drinking it. Slowly at first, but as it started to quench my thirst, I finished it off. Tre watched over me.
"Feeling better?"
"Much..."
Some guy tried to offer me a tablet.
"She doesn't want it," Tre said, making it clear to stay away. The guy shuffled off before Tre turned back around to me.
"You sure? Do you need another glass?" I nodded.
"That'd be nice, Tre."
"Okay, wait here."
Not long after he was gone, I received a text message telling me to go to the backroom. I got up weirdly, having the drug take control of me quickly, and made my way there. I saw a door open as I continued making my way upstairs and then down the hall.
Thick green smoke came out.
I thought nothing of it.
I continued walking.
I started getting warmer.
My collar was becoming wet.
Out of the room with the smoke came Billie.
"Steph..."
"Hey, did you text me before?"
"Did you want me to?"
"No, it's just I got one saying to meet someone in the back room, I just don't know who it was."
I started fanning myself with my hand, trying to cool down. Whatever was in my drink that was spiked, it was working well.
"Are you alright? You're all flushed red in your cheeks."
"Yeah, Bill, I'm fine. Just a little warm." He felt my cheeks.
"You're really warm. Come on, I'll walk you to your room."
"BJ, it's fine, I can manage to go to the backroom."
"NO, NO, you're not going there."
"Billie Joe..."
"Stephanie..."
"No..." I started to stumble off. I couldn't even keep my footing. Everything around me was becoming bright, colourful, and shiny. Even Billie seemed more attractive.
"Please, just let me walk you to your room."
"Billie, I'm... fin... ahhhhhhhhhh..."
"You okay?" he asked cautiously.
"Yeah, just my stomach hurts a little," I said, wincing in pain as I continued to look up at him.
"Come on, I'll carry you," he told me, picking me up. I started crying into him as the pain continued. Billie quickly took me to my room, putting me down on the bed.
"Come on, girl, keep yourself together."
"I feel faint."
"Come on, sit up."
"What for?"
Soon enough, my shirt was off and I was still finding myself hot, flustered, and blushed. I guess being in front of Billie like this wasn't really going to help.
"Bathroom..." was all I managed to get out before I walked into my ensuite and started throwing up. I won't go into detail about what happened in the bathroom. I'll just skip to saying that I cleaned up any blood that hit the floor, cleaned myself up, and walked back out to my bed.
"Do you want me to get up?"
"No no, lay down."
"You sure?" he asked, shuffling over.
"Yeah."
"Do you want me to leave you for a bit?"
"No, stay," I told him, shaking my head as I sat down on the bed. I took my glasses off and put them in their case, shoving it forcibly into the drawer. Why did I have to drink that? Why did I have to throw up blood again? Michael would be taking me to the doctor tomorrow to make sure everything was alright. I wonder who spiked it? I mean, it was Tre holding the glass, maybe it was meant for him. Then again, who would wanna get on Tre's bedside?
"Lay down." I turned my head. Billie smiled.
"Come on, lie down," he said, running his fingers underneath my bra strap. It made me smile, but I didn't show him.
"Billie, don't." He continued repeating himself until I had my back firmly down against the bed looking up. He rolled himself onto his side and pushed my hair out of my face, resting his arm on my stomach. I didn't know whether I should have been worried since my shirt wasn't on and his hand was awfully close to my chest, or if I should have been more worried about the fact that I could have died tonight.
Strange.
Awkward.
Weird.
Bizarre.
Creepy.
Those were the thoughts running through my head. It didn't matter though, since well, I'm going to tell you something now you probably saw coming.
MY HEART WAS FILLING WITH RED. With passion. With lust.
I was in love
"It's kinda chilly."
"You want me to get you another shirt?"
I shook my head.
"Billie, it's cold."
"Oh..."
He climbed in under the covers. We moved closer to each other. I leant out over the bed and pulled out a bottle of grog that was underneath.
"Want any?"
"Put it away."
"Why?"
"I want this to be proper."
"Want what to be proper, Bill...?"
Kisses travelled down my neck. My eyes shut. There was no way he was going to force me into this, even if the feeling was good. I pushed against him gently. He didn't seem to budge at all as the kisses seemed to continue softly.
"Billie, please don't..."
"Don't what, babe?"
"Force me into something."
He stopped and looked down at me, biting his lip.
"Who ever said I was going to force you into anything?... You didn't think..."
"Well the way you're acting... yeah, I did."
"Steph, come on, you know I wouldn't hurt you."
"I know, it's just..."
"Why would I hurt somebody that I love?"
"Good point."
"Listen, I'll leave you here alone tonight, you can think about whatever's going through your head."
"No, don't leave... I don't want to be alone tonight. Not when there's over 12 dozen males roaming drunk around the house."
"I'll be back, I promise. I just wanna go make sure the green room hasn't burned down."
"Is that the only thing that means something to you?"
"No, you mean more than anything, babe."
With those few last words I knew I had lost him. I had lost everything. Come on, I mean, when did guys treat drugs they were dealing better than a girl? Then again, this was Billie Joe we were talking about, so anything could have been possible. I waited until he had left before I got out of bed, shoved another shirt on and made my way downstairs to the backyard. I guess it was only right for me to let out my feelings. Only problem was I found that hard with people around me, which was often a downside to life. Walking along the garden path, I pulled out a joint and lit up, leaning against the house side.
In the darkness.
By myself.
Alone.
Well that was until I felt arms wrap around me and a hand go over my mouth.
****
The next few seconds of struggle were a blur. A blur of being afraid. A blur of struggle. A blur of being dragged. Away... away... away.
Struggle.
Fear.
Violence.
Penetration.
Shame.
A few minutes later after I had been left on the garage floor, I managed to pick myself up. I couldn't believe that had happened. Why was my life so fucked up? Why did everything have to be this way?
I looked at my wrists. They were bleeding.
I don't believe that son of a bitch cut me.
I can't believe this would even happen to me.
I knew this party was a bad idea form the start. I mean, come on, 16-18 year old males running about drugged, drunk, and out of control?
How was a 15 year old girl meant to handle herself?
I was crushed.
Part of me had been taken away.
My heart bled.
With sorrow.
With grief.
With distress.
How was I going to be able to tell anyone about it?
Would I have to keep it to myself?
Would I just have to live with it?
I wiped my tears away and sat looking up at the sky.
Where were my answers when I needed them?
Why wasn't anyone here when I wanted or needed someone?
Why was I alone in this world?
Why did I feel alone in this world?
It started to rain gently as I stared up at the sky, looking for answers. I don't think anything in this world right now could help me. I couldn't even help myself.
I was broken.
Unsure.
Out of order.
In distress.
Who ever wanted control over me tonight got it, but it wasn't going to be that easy for them. I was going to get my revenge, no matter what.
No matter who it was.
No matter where I was.
No matter about anything.
****
"Steph?"
I looked up from my huddled position on the ground in the corner to a figure standing above me.
"... T... Tre?" I mumbled, having the figure kneel down next to me.
"What are you doing out here?" I shook my head.
"Come on, I'll take you inside."
"I want Billie..."
"Come on, I'll take you to him."
Within a few seconds, I was in the house. People were looking. People were ignoring me. People knew what had happened. I was quickly walked through the house until I saw Billie Joe.
"Steph, you okay?. I looked at him, letting my eyes fill up with tears again before I found myself wrapped around him, intimately crying into him. As usual, he rubbed my back gently and started whispering calm things to me. As usual, I kept making myself even more worried than what I should have been and started to get UNeven breathing.
"Steph, come on, sit down." I shook my head again.
"I don't want to; I just wanna be near you."
"You are near me."
"No, close enough."
"Do you want to tell me what happened?"
"Not really, but in a way, yes."
I started to tell him everything that happened. I poured out all my emotions and feelings onto him, hoping by doing so that it might help me in the long run. For the first time in forever, I felt safe.
For the first time in a long time, I felt secure.
We quickly found our way closer to one another in the darkness and intimacy of my bedroom. Few minutes later was followed up by kisses and gentle sounds coming from one another.
"I promise I will never let you get hurt again."
"Don't make a promise you can't keep, Billie Joe."
"No, I promise you."
A gentle kiss sealed the promise. Nothing special or overly sweet. Just enough to let one another know how we felt on the subject.
"I love you."
"I love you, too."
...And with those few last words, I found myself drifting off into a slumber in his arms...
"So are you staying for the party tonight?" Mike asked. I looked at him, nodding my head before I picked up my cereal bowl and walked outside, taking a seat on the couch and turning the TV on. It was still early in the morning. Well, for me anyways.
"She seems touchy."
"Yeah, you're right, Tre. I should probably stop being so protective of her."
"Mike, you're just doing what all older brothers do." He smiled, raising his eyebrows, before leaving with Tre to go buy alcohol.
"Morning, BJ," I let out quietly as I saw him walk into the kitchen. He mumbled and stumbled around, opening up cupboards, trying to find something.
"Looking for something?" I asked, turning the volume on the set down a little so I'd be able to hear his reply.
"Where's your aspirin?" he slurred, throwing stuff out of the cabinet above the sink. I put my bowl down and walked into the kitchen, opening the drawer he was standing in front of.
"Here," was all I said before I pushed the packet into his hands. Our fingers awkwardly touched before I tried and attempted to pull away hastily. Why wouldn't my fingers move? I blushed and looked away, realizing as I did that we had linked fingers. I don't know why, or even if there was a reason for this, but it seemed right. Tre was only a friend. Billie Joe was love. I had come to accept that. Slowly and gently, he pulled away the packet so we were holding hands properly.
"You're coming tonight, right?"
"Yeah..."
"Why you so down?"
"Just confused."
"About?"
"You."
We hugged intimately and familiarly with one another. I wondered why he all of a sudden didn't need his aspirin. He threw the packet into the sink before we continued to hug.
"You know, I wouldn't ever have the guts to break your heart."
"Thanks, Bill."
"And even if I did, I wouldn't want to hurt you anyway."
"Okay."
"Listen Steph, what happened with that chick at the party... I didn't mean it."
"Okay."
"I mean it. I didn't expect anything to happen."
"I trust you, Billie."
"Doesn't seem like it."
"Why not?"
"I feel like you judge everything I do."
"Why would I judge what you do? Billie Joe, you're your own person, I don't control you. I can tell you what you can and can't do, but only to a certain point. Please don't ever think I'm judging you."
"Okay..."
"Okay what?"
"I won't think you're judging me anymore."
"Good."
"Well, I have to head on home. I'll see you tonight, right?"
"Yeah, I'll be here."
Before anything else was said, I managed to walk out and back upstairs to my bedroom. I shut the door, leaning up against it.
Why didn't I just tell him how I felt?
Why didn't I show him how I felt?
Why is my life like this?
If I was Christian, I would have prayed. Maybe even gone to church, but all I could do now was sit in my bedroom and sulk.
Sulk about how life was treating me.
Sulk about how everything isn't fair.
Sulk about how the administrator that controls my life from behind a screen is probably laughing now.
Laughing about how pathetic I am.
Laughing about how lovestruck I am.
OH god. Lovestruck.
What if Billie just thinks I'm some lovestruck teenage girl and then I get my heart broken?
Ahh, see I am pathetic.
I'm off to sleep.
****
"Tre, another drink."
Another was passed out.
"One over here."
There went another one.
"Tre, throw it."
One was thrown. After a slab was passed out, the drummer sat down.
"You're being awfully quiet, Steph."
"No, it's just that I had a little too much to drink."
"Want a water?"
"Yes, please."
Tre got up from the couch and walked off to get one for me. I love the way he took care of me. Another reason I would want him as a friend and no more. He made his way into the kitchen, swerving past a mass of people in the house before he got what he needed.
"Tre, dude, I need help getting a record out," Mike told him. He turned around and placed the glass down, climbing up a few shelves to get the record Mike wanted out of the pile of them.
"Thanks, man," Mike said, patting Tre's back before walking off with the record. Tre got down and picked up the glass. He looked at it. It was perfectly fine.
The pill that somebody dropped in there earlier seem to have dissolved.
"Here, sweetie."
"Thanks, Tre bear." I took it from him and started drinking it. Slowly at first, but as it started to quench my thirst, I finished it off. Tre watched over me.
"Feeling better?"
"Much..."
Some guy tried to offer me a tablet.
"She doesn't want it," Tre said, making it clear to stay away. The guy shuffled off before Tre turned back around to me.
"You sure? Do you need another glass?" I nodded.
"That'd be nice, Tre."
"Okay, wait here."
Not long after he was gone, I received a text message telling me to go to the backroom. I got up weirdly, having the drug take control of me quickly, and made my way there. I saw a door open as I continued making my way upstairs and then down the hall.
Thick green smoke came out.
I thought nothing of it.
I continued walking.
I started getting warmer.
My collar was becoming wet.
Out of the room with the smoke came Billie.
"Steph..."
"Hey, did you text me before?"
"Did you want me to?"
"No, it's just I got one saying to meet someone in the back room, I just don't know who it was."
I started fanning myself with my hand, trying to cool down. Whatever was in my drink that was spiked, it was working well.
"Are you alright? You're all flushed red in your cheeks."
"Yeah, Bill, I'm fine. Just a little warm." He felt my cheeks.
"You're really warm. Come on, I'll walk you to your room."
"BJ, it's fine, I can manage to go to the backroom."
"NO, NO, you're not going there."
"Billie Joe..."
"Stephanie..."
"No..." I started to stumble off. I couldn't even keep my footing. Everything around me was becoming bright, colourful, and shiny. Even Billie seemed more attractive.
"Please, just let me walk you to your room."
"Billie, I'm... fin... ahhhhhhhhhh..."
"You okay?" he asked cautiously.
"Yeah, just my stomach hurts a little," I said, wincing in pain as I continued to look up at him.
"Come on, I'll carry you," he told me, picking me up. I started crying into him as the pain continued. Billie quickly took me to my room, putting me down on the bed.
"Come on, girl, keep yourself together."
"I feel faint."
"Come on, sit up."
"What for?"
Soon enough, my shirt was off and I was still finding myself hot, flustered, and blushed. I guess being in front of Billie like this wasn't really going to help.
"Bathroom..." was all I managed to get out before I walked into my ensuite and started throwing up. I won't go into detail about what happened in the bathroom. I'll just skip to saying that I cleaned up any blood that hit the floor, cleaned myself up, and walked back out to my bed.
"Do you want me to get up?"
"No no, lay down."
"You sure?" he asked, shuffling over.
"Yeah."
"Do you want me to leave you for a bit?"
"No, stay," I told him, shaking my head as I sat down on the bed. I took my glasses off and put them in their case, shoving it forcibly into the drawer. Why did I have to drink that? Why did I have to throw up blood again? Michael would be taking me to the doctor tomorrow to make sure everything was alright. I wonder who spiked it? I mean, it was Tre holding the glass, maybe it was meant for him. Then again, who would wanna get on Tre's bedside?
"Lay down." I turned my head. Billie smiled.
"Come on, lie down," he said, running his fingers underneath my bra strap. It made me smile, but I didn't show him.
"Billie, don't." He continued repeating himself until I had my back firmly down against the bed looking up. He rolled himself onto his side and pushed my hair out of my face, resting his arm on my stomach. I didn't know whether I should have been worried since my shirt wasn't on and his hand was awfully close to my chest, or if I should have been more worried about the fact that I could have died tonight.
Strange.
Awkward.
Weird.
Bizarre.
Creepy.
Those were the thoughts running through my head. It didn't matter though, since well, I'm going to tell you something now you probably saw coming.
MY HEART WAS FILLING WITH RED. With passion. With lust.
I was in love
"It's kinda chilly."
"You want me to get you another shirt?"
I shook my head.
"Billie, it's cold."
"Oh..."
He climbed in under the covers. We moved closer to each other. I leant out over the bed and pulled out a bottle of grog that was underneath.
"Want any?"
"Put it away."
"Why?"
"I want this to be proper."
"Want what to be proper, Bill...?"
Kisses travelled down my neck. My eyes shut. There was no way he was going to force me into this, even if the feeling was good. I pushed against him gently. He didn't seem to budge at all as the kisses seemed to continue softly.
"Billie, please don't..."
"Don't what, babe?"
"Force me into something."
He stopped and looked down at me, biting his lip.
"Who ever said I was going to force you into anything?... You didn't think..."
"Well the way you're acting... yeah, I did."
"Steph, come on, you know I wouldn't hurt you."
"I know, it's just..."
"Why would I hurt somebody that I love?"
"Good point."
"Listen, I'll leave you here alone tonight, you can think about whatever's going through your head."
"No, don't leave... I don't want to be alone tonight. Not when there's over 12 dozen males roaming drunk around the house."
"I'll be back, I promise. I just wanna go make sure the green room hasn't burned down."
"Is that the only thing that means something to you?"
"No, you mean more than anything, babe."
With those few last words I knew I had lost him. I had lost everything. Come on, I mean, when did guys treat drugs they were dealing better than a girl? Then again, this was Billie Joe we were talking about, so anything could have been possible. I waited until he had left before I got out of bed, shoved another shirt on and made my way downstairs to the backyard. I guess it was only right for me to let out my feelings. Only problem was I found that hard with people around me, which was often a downside to life. Walking along the garden path, I pulled out a joint and lit up, leaning against the house side.
In the darkness.
By myself.
Alone.
Well that was until I felt arms wrap around me and a hand go over my mouth.
****
The next few seconds of struggle were a blur. A blur of being afraid. A blur of struggle. A blur of being dragged. Away... away... away.
Struggle.
Fear.
Violence.
Penetration.
Shame.
A few minutes later after I had been left on the garage floor, I managed to pick myself up. I couldn't believe that had happened. Why was my life so fucked up? Why did everything have to be this way?
I looked at my wrists. They were bleeding.
I don't believe that son of a bitch cut me.
I can't believe this would even happen to me.
I knew this party was a bad idea form the start. I mean, come on, 16-18 year old males running about drugged, drunk, and out of control?
How was a 15 year old girl meant to handle herself?
I was crushed.
Part of me had been taken away.
My heart bled.
With sorrow.
With grief.
With distress.
How was I going to be able to tell anyone about it?
Would I have to keep it to myself?
Would I just have to live with it?
I wiped my tears away and sat looking up at the sky.
Where were my answers when I needed them?
Why wasn't anyone here when I wanted or needed someone?
Why was I alone in this world?
Why did I feel alone in this world?
It started to rain gently as I stared up at the sky, looking for answers. I don't think anything in this world right now could help me. I couldn't even help myself.
I was broken.
Unsure.
Out of order.
In distress.
Who ever wanted control over me tonight got it, but it wasn't going to be that easy for them. I was going to get my revenge, no matter what.
No matter who it was.
No matter where I was.
No matter about anything.
****
"Steph?"
I looked up from my huddled position on the ground in the corner to a figure standing above me.
"... T... Tre?" I mumbled, having the figure kneel down next to me.
"What are you doing out here?" I shook my head.
"Come on, I'll take you inside."
"I want Billie..."
"Come on, I'll take you to him."
Within a few seconds, I was in the house. People were looking. People were ignoring me. People knew what had happened. I was quickly walked through the house until I saw Billie Joe.
"Steph, you okay?. I looked at him, letting my eyes fill up with tears again before I found myself wrapped around him, intimately crying into him. As usual, he rubbed my back gently and started whispering calm things to me. As usual, I kept making myself even more worried than what I should have been and started to get UNeven breathing.
"Steph, come on, sit down." I shook my head again.
"I don't want to; I just wanna be near you."
"You are near me."
"No, close enough."
"Do you want to tell me what happened?"
"Not really, but in a way, yes."
I started to tell him everything that happened. I poured out all my emotions and feelings onto him, hoping by doing so that it might help me in the long run. For the first time in forever, I felt safe.
For the first time in a long time, I felt secure.
We quickly found our way closer to one another in the darkness and intimacy of my bedroom. Few minutes later was followed up by kisses and gentle sounds coming from one another.
"I promise I will never let you get hurt again."
"Don't make a promise you can't keep, Billie Joe."
"No, I promise you."
A gentle kiss sealed the promise. Nothing special or overly sweet. Just enough to let one another know how we felt on the subject.
"I love you."
"I love you, too."
...And with those few last words, I found myself drifting off into a slumber in his arms...
