First Kiss, chapter 8
-LATER IN THE DAY-
"I told you everything would go well".
"I know you did, I still can't believe you were promoted". I felt warm breathing against my neck gently followed by a few kisses.
"I know, promotional work, I can't believe Livermore did that". I felt more breathing gently creeping down before I started feeling even more gentle kisses along my collar bone. I shuffled a little, causing us to move so that I was basically back on top of Billie again.
"I can't believe Tre's in our band".
"Aww, you three are going to be awesome".
A gentle kiss ended our conversation. Billie Joe looked me up and down before another kiss was exchanged. I don't know why he could never tell me everything about how he felt and what was running through his mind. I rested my head gently on his chest, feeling his heart beating softly. It made me smile as we linked fingers. I swear my hair was getting wet from the amount of sweat on his chest. Not that you needed to know that though. Damn dirty thoughts. GET OUT OF MY HEAD. I felt fingers run through my hair as I slowly closed my eyes.
"You don't think... .".
"Think what?".
"This is a little wrong?".
"Whats a little wrong sweetie?".
"What we just did".
"I thought you loved me?".
"I do love you babe".
"Then its fine alright, just don't worry about it".
Since when did Billie Joe think about the down side of things like that? Maybe he was regretting what we had done. Why would he though? I mean he made it clear to me that he loved me, why would we have gone that far if he didn't love me like he had told me. I turned my head to look up at him. He looked away knowing I was looking at him.
"Billie?".
He continued to look away.
"Billie".
He continued to look out into the distance. I nuzzled his neck gently knowing he was a sucker for affection and love. He looked down and smiled.
"Yes honey?".
"Whats wrong sweetie? You seem kinda down".
"Its nothing it's just, I pushed you into something and I shouldn't have", he said regretfully.
"You didn't push me into anything babe".
"No I did and I shouldn't have".
"Billie, you didn't! I was the one pushing for it to go on".
"I'm sorry honey".
"DonÄt be Billie".
"But what if... ..".
"If what? Oh, if I became pregnant? It will never happen".
I started to kiss up his chest a little, making my way to his jaw line quickly.
"But it was in the spur of the moment, it could happen".
"Billie Joe just trust me on this one, I will not get pregnant okay? I can't get pregnant".
"You cant?".
I shook my head. Fuck. I hadn't told him about the results from after the accident. I couldn't believe I had let that slip. Here was only one person who knew about the results and that was Michael, my brother. I got off of Billie and looked around for my clothing which I knew was somewhere on the floor. I heard words trying to get me back into the bed but it wasn't happening. I couldn't face Billie now that I had realized what I was keeping from him.
"Steph come back to bed".
"No Billie".
"Steph please, just come back and tell me what's wrong".
"NO".
------
I walked away from the house. Away from Billie and away from my problems. It was the only thing that seemed right. The rain started coming down hard. My life was screwed up again and why? Because I couldn't tell my boyfriend a little secret. Because I had to keep it away from him. Because if I had told him, who knows how he would have reacted?
As the rain came down harder, I continued walking though it. I was already starting to think this was a bad idea. I was already missing what I had. I was missing Billie Joe. I missed the way he'd come up and keep me warm at the first signs of me shivering. I missed the way he cared for me and I missed the way we loved each other in a level no one else was allowed on. I ran further from my problems and from my trouble. Away from the people I loved and cared about me until I felt something tug at my arm.
________
"Tre this cant happen anymore".
"You have to talk to Billie, please".
"No Tre, just let me go".
I fought for a bit against the grip he had around my wrist. It was tighter then I thought it would be. Trying again and again I realized it wasn't going to happen. I was going to have to sit down here and have a heart to heart with my best friend. Just great.
This was all that I damn needed.
Something emotional to bring back memories of what was soon going to be a ruined heartbreak.
I can guarantee right now Billie was thinking about a girl.
Little would I or did I know that this girl happened to be me.
Tre had told me after a phone call with BJ to make sure that he was alright.
"Steph please just go talk to him".
"Tre no".
"PLEASE?".
"No, okay its... .".
"That you don't think he'll understand?".
"No he won't trust me. I mean what kind of girl attends her brothers birthday, gets raped and then can't tell her own boyfriend that she can't have children?".
"Steph come on, I know this is serious and I know Bill well enough to know he'll be support of how you feel on the matter".
"SUPPORTIVE TRE. SUPPORTIVE?!&%$#! He's going to fucking hate me".
"He wont okay just trust me, everything will be fine but you have to go home and talk to him".
I started to understand where Tre was coming from I mean, like, he was actually making sense and for once I was listening to him properly giving my full attention knowing that there was going to be nothing to look forward to at the end.
Eventually after mutual conversation I agreed to go home.
Not that it was going to help.
I'd probably just be getting screamed at by whoever was there.
Or whoever just happened to arrive there.
I guess my world was crumbling.
I guess the colours were fading.
I guess the administration man was back from his long service leave.
Just when I thought I had it all going for me, a night with a boy that I loved seemed to ruin it all for me.
Maybe it was because I was scared.
Or frightened.
Or afraid.
Or all three of them.
"Do you want me to walk you home?".
"Yeah that would be nice Tre".
Soon enough my arm found its way around Tre's waist as we came closer and closer to home. I guess that saying "HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS" is true. I mean I felt much better now that I had come back. I guess it was because I had left my heart here; and well not only on this one occasion.
There's probably a secret about me that I should tell you now. I wasn't planning on ever revealing it but after telling everyone about the 'accident' that I happened to be in. The secret is that I was once pregnant before. I know its a lot for a 16 year old girl but I guess it was meant to happen for a reason. I tell you now abortion isn't easy. It's giving up a part of your heart, your soul and your self. It's almost like cutting a hole into your heart and never being able to find something to replace it. I guess my case was different though. I never told the father of the child that I was pregnant and I had the abortion before anyone could tell I was pregnant. The only thing about it is I don't feel as comfortable around this person as I should, yet I use them for support all the time. I'm guessing you know who the person is but incase you don't I'll let you try figuring it out before I spill the secret.
"Tre, I don't think... ".
"You should go inside?".
"Yeah".
"Why not sweetie? You've come all this way".
"Because... ..".
"Because there are more secrets then you know of".
"Well tell me then".
"Its just... ".
"Come on tell me. if you didn't want me to know you wouldn't have brought it up".
"Well remember when we were like... ..You know... going out?".
"Yeah, how come?".
I looked up into his eyes. He wouldn't be able to handle this. I looked back down and placed my hands into my pockets.
"Its nothing Tre, thanks for walking me home anyways", I said politely giving him a kiss on the cheek.
"You sure you don't want to talk about it little girly?".
"Yeah I'm sure Tre. Thanks for everything though".
All I got from him was a smile to show me that everything was going to be alright before I shut the front door and slid down it slowly until I hit the floor. I felt a gentle breeze come from under the door before footsteps entering the room. I wasn't afraid, or lost or even alone anymore. The figure sat down in front of me.
"I'm glad your home".
Before Billie Joe was even able to get the sentence out I was in his lap, arms around him crying gently. I don't really know what brought the tears on but I guess it must have been big or hit me harder then I thought. Being either his soothing words or warm touch I was relaxed with in a few minutes in his arms again. Slowly I felt my eyes getting heavy, and slowly I felt my chest starting to get heavy, but I knew I had to get the truth out, and I knew that I should probably start with the person I was closest too.
I assumed that would be my boyfriend.
Then again it could have been my best friend.
Or my older brother who was always there for me.
Slowly I started mumbling out words. Words which formed sentences explaining to Bill why I wasn't able to have children anymore. I watched him cringe gently at the fact that all my 'insides were beaten, bruised and practically destroyed'.
"You going to be okay?".
"I hope so".
"You wanna just head out to bed?".
"Not really".
"Do you wanna stay up with me for a while?".
"If that's possible BJ".
I looked up at him. His eyes were tearstained. He'd obviously become emotional on the matter although I made he abortion story out like it was a rape as well. I'm glad he didn't figure out who it was other wise I don't think the band would be doing all that well. Well actually, would be able to do all that well.
"Listen I'll sleep alone in the spare bed tonight".
"Don't be ridiculous, you're in my room as usual when you're over here".
"BJ, please, I'd rather... .".
"No, I want to be with you, please, just tonight?".
"Okay, just tonight".
Slowly and gently I started to fall asleep and slowly and gently I felt him come closer and closer. With in a few minutes we were the 'perfect couple again' and as the rain started to fall onto the bedroom window we slowly started to drift asleep not knowing what tomorrow would bring us... ... ... .
"I told you everything would go well".
"I know you did, I still can't believe you were promoted". I felt warm breathing against my neck gently followed by a few kisses.
"I know, promotional work, I can't believe Livermore did that". I felt more breathing gently creeping down before I started feeling even more gentle kisses along my collar bone. I shuffled a little, causing us to move so that I was basically back on top of Billie again.
"I can't believe Tre's in our band".
"Aww, you three are going to be awesome".
A gentle kiss ended our conversation. Billie Joe looked me up and down before another kiss was exchanged. I don't know why he could never tell me everything about how he felt and what was running through his mind. I rested my head gently on his chest, feeling his heart beating softly. It made me smile as we linked fingers. I swear my hair was getting wet from the amount of sweat on his chest. Not that you needed to know that though. Damn dirty thoughts. GET OUT OF MY HEAD. I felt fingers run through my hair as I slowly closed my eyes.
"You don't think... .".
"Think what?".
"This is a little wrong?".
"Whats a little wrong sweetie?".
"What we just did".
"I thought you loved me?".
"I do love you babe".
"Then its fine alright, just don't worry about it".
Since when did Billie Joe think about the down side of things like that? Maybe he was regretting what we had done. Why would he though? I mean he made it clear to me that he loved me, why would we have gone that far if he didn't love me like he had told me. I turned my head to look up at him. He looked away knowing I was looking at him.
"Billie?".
He continued to look away.
"Billie".
He continued to look out into the distance. I nuzzled his neck gently knowing he was a sucker for affection and love. He looked down and smiled.
"Yes honey?".
"Whats wrong sweetie? You seem kinda down".
"Its nothing it's just, I pushed you into something and I shouldn't have", he said regretfully.
"You didn't push me into anything babe".
"No I did and I shouldn't have".
"Billie, you didn't! I was the one pushing for it to go on".
"I'm sorry honey".
"DonÄt be Billie".
"But what if... ..".
"If what? Oh, if I became pregnant? It will never happen".
I started to kiss up his chest a little, making my way to his jaw line quickly.
"But it was in the spur of the moment, it could happen".
"Billie Joe just trust me on this one, I will not get pregnant okay? I can't get pregnant".
"You cant?".
I shook my head. Fuck. I hadn't told him about the results from after the accident. I couldn't believe I had let that slip. Here was only one person who knew about the results and that was Michael, my brother. I got off of Billie and looked around for my clothing which I knew was somewhere on the floor. I heard words trying to get me back into the bed but it wasn't happening. I couldn't face Billie now that I had realized what I was keeping from him.
"Steph come back to bed".
"No Billie".
"Steph please, just come back and tell me what's wrong".
"NO".
------
I walked away from the house. Away from Billie and away from my problems. It was the only thing that seemed right. The rain started coming down hard. My life was screwed up again and why? Because I couldn't tell my boyfriend a little secret. Because I had to keep it away from him. Because if I had told him, who knows how he would have reacted?
As the rain came down harder, I continued walking though it. I was already starting to think this was a bad idea. I was already missing what I had. I was missing Billie Joe. I missed the way he'd come up and keep me warm at the first signs of me shivering. I missed the way he cared for me and I missed the way we loved each other in a level no one else was allowed on. I ran further from my problems and from my trouble. Away from the people I loved and cared about me until I felt something tug at my arm.
________
"Tre this cant happen anymore".
"You have to talk to Billie, please".
"No Tre, just let me go".
I fought for a bit against the grip he had around my wrist. It was tighter then I thought it would be. Trying again and again I realized it wasn't going to happen. I was going to have to sit down here and have a heart to heart with my best friend. Just great.
This was all that I damn needed.
Something emotional to bring back memories of what was soon going to be a ruined heartbreak.
I can guarantee right now Billie was thinking about a girl.
Little would I or did I know that this girl happened to be me.
Tre had told me after a phone call with BJ to make sure that he was alright.
"Steph please just go talk to him".
"Tre no".
"PLEASE?".
"No, okay its... .".
"That you don't think he'll understand?".
"No he won't trust me. I mean what kind of girl attends her brothers birthday, gets raped and then can't tell her own boyfriend that she can't have children?".
"Steph come on, I know this is serious and I know Bill well enough to know he'll be support of how you feel on the matter".
"SUPPORTIVE TRE. SUPPORTIVE?!&%$#! He's going to fucking hate me".
"He wont okay just trust me, everything will be fine but you have to go home and talk to him".
I started to understand where Tre was coming from I mean, like, he was actually making sense and for once I was listening to him properly giving my full attention knowing that there was going to be nothing to look forward to at the end.
Eventually after mutual conversation I agreed to go home.
Not that it was going to help.
I'd probably just be getting screamed at by whoever was there.
Or whoever just happened to arrive there.
I guess my world was crumbling.
I guess the colours were fading.
I guess the administration man was back from his long service leave.
Just when I thought I had it all going for me, a night with a boy that I loved seemed to ruin it all for me.
Maybe it was because I was scared.
Or frightened.
Or afraid.
Or all three of them.
"Do you want me to walk you home?".
"Yeah that would be nice Tre".
Soon enough my arm found its way around Tre's waist as we came closer and closer to home. I guess that saying "HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS" is true. I mean I felt much better now that I had come back. I guess it was because I had left my heart here; and well not only on this one occasion.
There's probably a secret about me that I should tell you now. I wasn't planning on ever revealing it but after telling everyone about the 'accident' that I happened to be in. The secret is that I was once pregnant before. I know its a lot for a 16 year old girl but I guess it was meant to happen for a reason. I tell you now abortion isn't easy. It's giving up a part of your heart, your soul and your self. It's almost like cutting a hole into your heart and never being able to find something to replace it. I guess my case was different though. I never told the father of the child that I was pregnant and I had the abortion before anyone could tell I was pregnant. The only thing about it is I don't feel as comfortable around this person as I should, yet I use them for support all the time. I'm guessing you know who the person is but incase you don't I'll let you try figuring it out before I spill the secret.
"Tre, I don't think... ".
"You should go inside?".
"Yeah".
"Why not sweetie? You've come all this way".
"Because... ..".
"Because there are more secrets then you know of".
"Well tell me then".
"Its just... ".
"Come on tell me. if you didn't want me to know you wouldn't have brought it up".
"Well remember when we were like... ..You know... going out?".
"Yeah, how come?".
I looked up into his eyes. He wouldn't be able to handle this. I looked back down and placed my hands into my pockets.
"Its nothing Tre, thanks for walking me home anyways", I said politely giving him a kiss on the cheek.
"You sure you don't want to talk about it little girly?".
"Yeah I'm sure Tre. Thanks for everything though".
All I got from him was a smile to show me that everything was going to be alright before I shut the front door and slid down it slowly until I hit the floor. I felt a gentle breeze come from under the door before footsteps entering the room. I wasn't afraid, or lost or even alone anymore. The figure sat down in front of me.
"I'm glad your home".
Before Billie Joe was even able to get the sentence out I was in his lap, arms around him crying gently. I don't really know what brought the tears on but I guess it must have been big or hit me harder then I thought. Being either his soothing words or warm touch I was relaxed with in a few minutes in his arms again. Slowly I felt my eyes getting heavy, and slowly I felt my chest starting to get heavy, but I knew I had to get the truth out, and I knew that I should probably start with the person I was closest too.
I assumed that would be my boyfriend.
Then again it could have been my best friend.
Or my older brother who was always there for me.
Slowly I started mumbling out words. Words which formed sentences explaining to Bill why I wasn't able to have children anymore. I watched him cringe gently at the fact that all my 'insides were beaten, bruised and practically destroyed'.
"You going to be okay?".
"I hope so".
"You wanna just head out to bed?".
"Not really".
"Do you wanna stay up with me for a while?".
"If that's possible BJ".
I looked up at him. His eyes were tearstained. He'd obviously become emotional on the matter although I made he abortion story out like it was a rape as well. I'm glad he didn't figure out who it was other wise I don't think the band would be doing all that well. Well actually, would be able to do all that well.
"Listen I'll sleep alone in the spare bed tonight".
"Don't be ridiculous, you're in my room as usual when you're over here".
"BJ, please, I'd rather... .".
"No, I want to be with you, please, just tonight?".
"Okay, just tonight".
Slowly and gently I started to fall asleep and slowly and gently I felt him come closer and closer. With in a few minutes we were the 'perfect couple again' and as the rain started to fall onto the bedroom window we slowly started to drift asleep not knowing what tomorrow would bring us... ... ... .
