First Kiss, chapter 9
"Billie Joe you don't understand, I need to talk to him".
"But why at this hour of the night?".
"Because it's a problem regarding him".
"But why does it have to be sorted now?".
I looked at the alarm clock on the bedside table. I knew the time was awkward but I had to go talk to him. It didn't matter if it was 3 am. It didn't matter that it was raining outside and it didn't matter that I was going to tell him something that could easily ruin any relationship, love or friend that I had with anyone. He needed to know he was the father of my first unborn child before the rape incident. I couldn't keep it away from him any longer. He had to know that there was a child and tat it belonged to him.
"Steph, baby he won't understand".
"Billie he will".
"Steph he won't. I had a hard enough time trying to get my head around it and I don't really have anything to do with it".
"Billie you have to trust me with this".
"I do trust you. It was a big step for you to even tell me this; he's not going to handle it. Not now anyways".
I looked up into Billie's eyes for answers. I couldn't get any though. I don't even know if it was right that I told him about all of this. I guess in a way it was thought. I mean I loved him. He was my boyfriend. I needed him to trust me and I guess this was going to help build more trust. We had to be honest to each other in the relationship we had.
It started to trickle with rain outside. Gently as it hit the windows tears formed in the corners of my eyes running down gently.
"Don't waste tears if you don't need to".
"Bill-..".
"No listen to me. Go sort it out with him in the morning if you want to, but sleep on it tonight. You'll only work yourself up more if you go now".
He was right. I couldn't go over now. I'd be him hysterics. I mean I couldn't even control myself here with my own boyfriend.
"Listen Steph, since we're staying you know... ... stuff in our pasts and I want to be completely honest with you I should probably... ".
"Probably what?", I let out with some tears looking up at Billie Joe as the rain came down harder and harder outside. A quick scare of thunder and lighting brought me close to Billie. Into his arms. His warmth and his love. It was where I was safe and where nothing could harm me.
"Tell you that I'm not meant to be seeing you".
"What do you mean?".
"Brad and my mother had an argument and now I'm banned from seeing you".
"How long ago was this?".
"About a month. How come?".
"You kept this from me why?".
"I didn't want a broken heart just because my step mother and father are divorcing".
"They are?".
"Yeah, mom and I are moving up state and well, you know that's a fair distance from here".
"Doesn't mean that our relationship has to be broken off".
"Stephanie... ..its not just that".
"Billie Joe tell me everything".
"I cant".
"Why not?".
"You'll hate me".
"I love you I, could never hate you".
"You could with this".
"Billie Joe just tell me".
"I've been seeing someone".
"You mean like cheating?".
"Not really".
"YOU WERE CHEATING ON ME?".
"No not on you with you... .".
That's when my heart began to sink. For the whole 3 months Billie and I had been, well dating, I thought he was my own. I never thought he'd use me for something like this. Cheating I mean that was down right low.
I felt used.
Then again I had been used before.
I guess this wasn't anything different.
The guy who I was convinced in love with me was just using me.
All I was was a momentary fling.
A toy to him.
Something for pleasure and fun.
I wonder if he even had feelings for me.
Probably didn't.
I got up quickly making my way back to the door.
"Steph".
"Don't talk to me Armstrong".
"Don't be like this".
"How do you want me to react Billie Joe?".
"I thought you'd understand-... ".
"Understand what? That I meant nothing? That I was only there when it was convenient to you?".
"No its not like that-... .".
I looked into his eyes. They didn't give me the comfort I needed anymore.
"Then what is it like?".
He searched the room trying to avoid having to answer, but in time he knew he had to.
"Listen, I saw you again after god knows how long and felt something I've never felt before. I'm in love with you, its just I didn't know how to put it to her".
"Who is she Billie Joe".
I assumed that the least I should know is who this other girl was. I mean I was getting cheated with. He was using me. I should have the right to know who on shouldn't I?
I watched his eyes travel around the room again. He was looking for a way to avoid me. To avoid the truth and to avoid any lies he had told.
"Billie I have to leave... ..".
"No Steph... ".
"No BJ, I have to".
-Hours later after walking though the rain dripping from head to toe-
I walked up to his front door and knocked gently. He came and opened it. I knew this was going to be crunch time. I knew he was going to have to know everything. He looked down at me. I looked up at him. The storm seemed to calm a little. His eye colour had changed. It was deep blue. I had never seen his eyes like this before. They seemed uneasy and tense but then again in a way they seemed opening and warm. I stood at the doorstep until I was finally invited inside to where we both found our way on the couch. I guess this was what it was going to be. Nothing more nothing less. I wondered how BJ was feeling.
I shouldn't though.
He used me.
Broke me.
Only wanted me and come to me when it was convenient for him.
I looked back into this eyes holding his hand up linking fingers gently.
"Tre, there's something we have to talk about-... ".
------------
Billie continued to sit on the steps outside the front door until I returned. Lucky for him I was only talking with Tre for a half hour otherwise he'd be waiting for a long time.
I guess Tre took the news better then I expected him to. He took it better then Billie thought he would as well. We swore each-other to secrecy. He knew I had been hurt while we had been dating. And he knew Al wasn't the most well behaved person to be about when he was drinking.
"Listen, I promise Al wont find out a single word about this okay?".
"Okay".
"My poor little girl".
This night was ended off sweetly.
I don't exactly know why.
I guess its because Tre knew I was being completely honest with him.
Still I was thinking about wether or not Al should find out.
I mean he was its biological father even if it was from an accident.
I started walking home.
It started raining.
I felt lost.
I felt alone.
This time thought not ashamed.
I felt comfortable and fine with what I was doing and who I was.
I wasn't going to get anyone get to me.
My world had returned to colour. I'm happy about this. Slowly I started making my way up the garden path. The gate was open so I knew someone had come to visit.
I met Billie Joe at the front door.
His fringe was infront of his eyes.
He didn't say much.
He only told me that he loved me.
I didn't know weather to believe this or not.
I mean after all he had said and done only letting me to find out in due time was a lot for me to almost hate him.
"How are you?".
"Alright, yourself?".
"Kind of cold".
In a few seconds I had his hoodie on me. I smiled reluctantly and walked inside. He followed me to my bedroom. We seemed to hug awkwardly before I took the hoodie off to give back to him.
"Keep it for tonight".
"I don't need it I'm fine".
"Come on please for me".
"Billie just take it".
"I know if you don't wear it that you'll just fall asleep on top of your bed covers and freeze".
"I wont okay. If you love me you'll take it".
"If you love me you'll keep it".
... ."Well I guess you should take it from me then-... .".
"But why at this hour of the night?".
"Because it's a problem regarding him".
"But why does it have to be sorted now?".
I looked at the alarm clock on the bedside table. I knew the time was awkward but I had to go talk to him. It didn't matter if it was 3 am. It didn't matter that it was raining outside and it didn't matter that I was going to tell him something that could easily ruin any relationship, love or friend that I had with anyone. He needed to know he was the father of my first unborn child before the rape incident. I couldn't keep it away from him any longer. He had to know that there was a child and tat it belonged to him.
"Steph, baby he won't understand".
"Billie he will".
"Steph he won't. I had a hard enough time trying to get my head around it and I don't really have anything to do with it".
"Billie you have to trust me with this".
"I do trust you. It was a big step for you to even tell me this; he's not going to handle it. Not now anyways".
I looked up into Billie's eyes for answers. I couldn't get any though. I don't even know if it was right that I told him about all of this. I guess in a way it was thought. I mean I loved him. He was my boyfriend. I needed him to trust me and I guess this was going to help build more trust. We had to be honest to each other in the relationship we had.
It started to trickle with rain outside. Gently as it hit the windows tears formed in the corners of my eyes running down gently.
"Don't waste tears if you don't need to".
"Bill-..".
"No listen to me. Go sort it out with him in the morning if you want to, but sleep on it tonight. You'll only work yourself up more if you go now".
He was right. I couldn't go over now. I'd be him hysterics. I mean I couldn't even control myself here with my own boyfriend.
"Listen Steph, since we're staying you know... ... stuff in our pasts and I want to be completely honest with you I should probably... ".
"Probably what?", I let out with some tears looking up at Billie Joe as the rain came down harder and harder outside. A quick scare of thunder and lighting brought me close to Billie. Into his arms. His warmth and his love. It was where I was safe and where nothing could harm me.
"Tell you that I'm not meant to be seeing you".
"What do you mean?".
"Brad and my mother had an argument and now I'm banned from seeing you".
"How long ago was this?".
"About a month. How come?".
"You kept this from me why?".
"I didn't want a broken heart just because my step mother and father are divorcing".
"They are?".
"Yeah, mom and I are moving up state and well, you know that's a fair distance from here".
"Doesn't mean that our relationship has to be broken off".
"Stephanie... ..its not just that".
"Billie Joe tell me everything".
"I cant".
"Why not?".
"You'll hate me".
"I love you I, could never hate you".
"You could with this".
"Billie Joe just tell me".
"I've been seeing someone".
"You mean like cheating?".
"Not really".
"YOU WERE CHEATING ON ME?".
"No not on you with you... .".
That's when my heart began to sink. For the whole 3 months Billie and I had been, well dating, I thought he was my own. I never thought he'd use me for something like this. Cheating I mean that was down right low.
I felt used.
Then again I had been used before.
I guess this wasn't anything different.
The guy who I was convinced in love with me was just using me.
All I was was a momentary fling.
A toy to him.
Something for pleasure and fun.
I wonder if he even had feelings for me.
Probably didn't.
I got up quickly making my way back to the door.
"Steph".
"Don't talk to me Armstrong".
"Don't be like this".
"How do you want me to react Billie Joe?".
"I thought you'd understand-... ".
"Understand what? That I meant nothing? That I was only there when it was convenient to you?".
"No its not like that-... .".
I looked into his eyes. They didn't give me the comfort I needed anymore.
"Then what is it like?".
He searched the room trying to avoid having to answer, but in time he knew he had to.
"Listen, I saw you again after god knows how long and felt something I've never felt before. I'm in love with you, its just I didn't know how to put it to her".
"Who is she Billie Joe".
I assumed that the least I should know is who this other girl was. I mean I was getting cheated with. He was using me. I should have the right to know who on shouldn't I?
I watched his eyes travel around the room again. He was looking for a way to avoid me. To avoid the truth and to avoid any lies he had told.
"Billie I have to leave... ..".
"No Steph... ".
"No BJ, I have to".
-Hours later after walking though the rain dripping from head to toe-
I walked up to his front door and knocked gently. He came and opened it. I knew this was going to be crunch time. I knew he was going to have to know everything. He looked down at me. I looked up at him. The storm seemed to calm a little. His eye colour had changed. It was deep blue. I had never seen his eyes like this before. They seemed uneasy and tense but then again in a way they seemed opening and warm. I stood at the doorstep until I was finally invited inside to where we both found our way on the couch. I guess this was what it was going to be. Nothing more nothing less. I wondered how BJ was feeling.
I shouldn't though.
He used me.
Broke me.
Only wanted me and come to me when it was convenient for him.
I looked back into this eyes holding his hand up linking fingers gently.
"Tre, there's something we have to talk about-... ".
------------
Billie continued to sit on the steps outside the front door until I returned. Lucky for him I was only talking with Tre for a half hour otherwise he'd be waiting for a long time.
I guess Tre took the news better then I expected him to. He took it better then Billie thought he would as well. We swore each-other to secrecy. He knew I had been hurt while we had been dating. And he knew Al wasn't the most well behaved person to be about when he was drinking.
"Listen, I promise Al wont find out a single word about this okay?".
"Okay".
"My poor little girl".
This night was ended off sweetly.
I don't exactly know why.
I guess its because Tre knew I was being completely honest with him.
Still I was thinking about wether or not Al should find out.
I mean he was its biological father even if it was from an accident.
I started walking home.
It started raining.
I felt lost.
I felt alone.
This time thought not ashamed.
I felt comfortable and fine with what I was doing and who I was.
I wasn't going to get anyone get to me.
My world had returned to colour. I'm happy about this. Slowly I started making my way up the garden path. The gate was open so I knew someone had come to visit.
I met Billie Joe at the front door.
His fringe was infront of his eyes.
He didn't say much.
He only told me that he loved me.
I didn't know weather to believe this or not.
I mean after all he had said and done only letting me to find out in due time was a lot for me to almost hate him.
"How are you?".
"Alright, yourself?".
"Kind of cold".
In a few seconds I had his hoodie on me. I smiled reluctantly and walked inside. He followed me to my bedroom. We seemed to hug awkwardly before I took the hoodie off to give back to him.
"Keep it for tonight".
"I don't need it I'm fine".
"Come on please for me".
"Billie just take it".
"I know if you don't wear it that you'll just fall asleep on top of your bed covers and freeze".
"I wont okay. If you love me you'll take it".
"If you love me you'll keep it".
... ."Well I guess you should take it from me then-... .".
