A Rather Confused Prophet, chapter 1
"That is the only way we can be saved. I know you don't like it but it has to be done," Leah said, putting her foot down on the situation.
"There has to be another way, I mean, if it does work and he gets here, which is unlikely, how do we know he's actually gonna help us? For all we know he's gonna freak out," Zinc said.
"He won't," Leah assured. We all agreed that we had to do this, even if we didn't like it.
***
Thank christ that's over. Any more interviews and I'm gonna collapse. The least these people could do is come up with some original questions. I started to walk out of the studio so I could go home. Billie and Tre hung back for some reason; not sure why they did but I couldn't be bothered to wait for them. I opened the main door and all I could see was a brilliant white light. It was all I could see for about a minute. When it went away I knew I wasn't in Cali anymore. The concrete jungle of L.A. was gone. It was replaced with a forest; trees of bright colours were everywhere. They were much brighter than normal trees. The leaves were pink, yellow, turquoise, lime green and lilac. The bark wasn't brown; it was white, a stainless white. The sky was a freaky shade of blue and the ground was gold and silver.
Where the fuck am I?
There was no noise, no birds, no nothing. Apart from rustling. I shot round to where it had come from. Nothing was there.
Ok Mike, think back. Have you taken any drugs today? Only caffeine, as usual. Shit there goes that option.
The rustling was closer than before. It started to scare me so I ran for it with no idea where I was or where I was going. Unfortunately I ran towards the rustling and something tripped me up.
"No point running," something said.
"What the fuck? Who are you?" I shouted.
"Relax. You're gonna be fine," the person said, jumping out of a tree. She was a huge change to the colourful scenery and the word 'goth' sprang to mind. Black button up shirt, black pants, black make up, black hair and really pale skin.
"What the fuck is going on?" I said.
"Shh. All will be explained later but you have to come with me."
"Why?"
"You have two options, come with me to safety or stay here and get arrested because you are breaking several laws just by lying there." A high pitched whining started. I clamped my hands to my ears. The Goth looked round; her panicked expression clear to see. "Shit," she hissed. "Dude I'm seriously not joking you have to come with me."
"Fuck off. I don't know who you are." I backed away till I was leaning against a tree.
"Listen, you hear the whining?" I nodded. "That's the Jukelsa coming after us. They are not good. They will throw you to Boosh if you don't come with me right now."
"Jukelsa? Boosh? What the fuck are you talking about?"
"Oh screw this." She grabbed my hand, pulled me off the ground and started running, dragging me with her. The whole place was as brightly coloured as the trees. It all clashed horribly though.
Where the fuck did that comment come from?
"Mike, come on. Hurry up!" The Goth said, I didn't realise I was lagging behi...
She knew my name.
Why did that freak me out? Loads of people know my name.
The Goth pulled me into an alleyway, off the main street which she had just run down. Everything was too bright for me. At the end of the alleyway was a strange looking hut, made out of pieces of sheet metal, even they were too bright for my eyes. Her feet screeched on the ground, leaving black grip skid marks on the pink concrete. I didn't have time to stop so ended up whacking into the strange, florescent orange, hut.
"Shit. That hurts."
"Then don't do it. Pretty fucking obvious," The Goth said, hitting a piece of yellow metal. It moved to the side and some guys face replaced it.
"Yeah? Oh you got him. Great!" He disappeared and a hole opened up in the ground.
"You first," The Goth said, pushing me down the hole. It was more like a slide but with a lot more friction than normal. It killed my back and almost scraped all the skin off it.
"Son of a bitch. That thing hurts!"
"Oh, quit complaining," The Goth said.
The inside of the hut was a lot bigger than the outside. But it had hardly anything in it, just a huge computer in one corner, spitting out pages of writing that the guy who answered the door was reading. The walls were lined with maps and odd sketches that looked like they were ripped out of those old books you get in horror movies.
"Leah! Get your ass out here! You fucking owe me one! I nearly got my ass arrested!"
"Again?" A girl poked her head round the corner of the next room. She was the total opposite to the Goth, she was a punk. Spiky purple hair on one side of her head, baggy clothes covered in chains and pins.
"What? Not my fault they have my D.N.A on file, is it?"
"Yeah it is since you have been arrested like 87 times."
"That's not it. More like... 90 times." A guy commented form the floor. He had grey everything. Grey clothes, grey hair, almost grey skin.
"Piss off! It's actually 83 if you must know. Now can we please get down to business. I think I freaked him out enough already." The Goth joined the guy at the computer.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?" I shouted.
"Shut the fuck up dude. You don't want us to get found out, do you?" the grey guy said.
"At this very moment, yes. Yes I do."
"We ain't telling you anything until you calm down," Leah said, running her fingers through her hair.
"Fine, see. I'm calm."
"Then why is your hand shaking?" she asked.
"It...just...is." Nice excuse Mike.
"You may as well tell him now, then he has time to go nuts," the guy in grey said.
"Fine, what do you want to know?"
"Everything! Where I am, who you are, why is everything so fucking bright, what the fuck do you people want me for?"
"Oh the basics then. Firstly, who we are. I'm Leah, the girl in black is Mindy, the guy in grey is Zinc and the guy at the computer is Hyde. And we need you to help us out, well, save us really."
"What do you mean 'save you'?"
"You can probably tell you ain't on...your version of earth any more," Zinc said.
"There are different versions?"
"Yeah, there are thousands of them but that's not the point so don't side track me. You are on a version of earth where girls rule basically." Mindy and Leah glared at him. "Girly girls, not you guys. You're cool."
"You just scraped out of that one," Mindy growled.
"Girly girls rule?" I checked.
"Yeah, that's why everything is so bright. Nothing is a dull colour on this planet. Unfortunately. And every law applies to what girly girls want, which sucks ass if you're like us. And we need you because you are the only person who can save us. You are our...prophet, so to speak."
"Prophet? Like Jesus?"
"Jesus? Who the fuck is that?" Mindy asked.
They don't know who Jesus is. How thick. Right, how do you explain Jesus to people when thy have no clue who he is? "Well, he was King of the Jews, apparently, only if you believe it. He started a religion called Christianity."
"Oh, you mean Christi. Not Christianity. You must mean Jebus then," Leah said.
"You're not a Christi are you? I can't stand those bastards with their religious rules."
I shook my head. "I don't have a religion." Mindy breathed a sigh of relief.
"Thank Jebus," she muttered.
"So I'm a Prophet?" I asked.
"Yeah. Ours'. And as our prophet you have to help us out," Hyde said in a dull tone, still with his face in the pages.
"I don't have to it I don't want to," I said.
"No. You have to help us otherwise I won't send you home," Mindy grinned.
Goddamnit
"There has to be another way, I mean, if it does work and he gets here, which is unlikely, how do we know he's actually gonna help us? For all we know he's gonna freak out," Zinc said.
"He won't," Leah assured. We all agreed that we had to do this, even if we didn't like it.
***
Thank christ that's over. Any more interviews and I'm gonna collapse. The least these people could do is come up with some original questions. I started to walk out of the studio so I could go home. Billie and Tre hung back for some reason; not sure why they did but I couldn't be bothered to wait for them. I opened the main door and all I could see was a brilliant white light. It was all I could see for about a minute. When it went away I knew I wasn't in Cali anymore. The concrete jungle of L.A. was gone. It was replaced with a forest; trees of bright colours were everywhere. They were much brighter than normal trees. The leaves were pink, yellow, turquoise, lime green and lilac. The bark wasn't brown; it was white, a stainless white. The sky was a freaky shade of blue and the ground was gold and silver.
Where the fuck am I?
There was no noise, no birds, no nothing. Apart from rustling. I shot round to where it had come from. Nothing was there.
Ok Mike, think back. Have you taken any drugs today? Only caffeine, as usual. Shit there goes that option.
The rustling was closer than before. It started to scare me so I ran for it with no idea where I was or where I was going. Unfortunately I ran towards the rustling and something tripped me up.
"No point running," something said.
"What the fuck? Who are you?" I shouted.
"Relax. You're gonna be fine," the person said, jumping out of a tree. She was a huge change to the colourful scenery and the word 'goth' sprang to mind. Black button up shirt, black pants, black make up, black hair and really pale skin.
"What the fuck is going on?" I said.
"Shh. All will be explained later but you have to come with me."
"Why?"
"You have two options, come with me to safety or stay here and get arrested because you are breaking several laws just by lying there." A high pitched whining started. I clamped my hands to my ears. The Goth looked round; her panicked expression clear to see. "Shit," she hissed. "Dude I'm seriously not joking you have to come with me."
"Fuck off. I don't know who you are." I backed away till I was leaning against a tree.
"Listen, you hear the whining?" I nodded. "That's the Jukelsa coming after us. They are not good. They will throw you to Boosh if you don't come with me right now."
"Jukelsa? Boosh? What the fuck are you talking about?"
"Oh screw this." She grabbed my hand, pulled me off the ground and started running, dragging me with her. The whole place was as brightly coloured as the trees. It all clashed horribly though.
Where the fuck did that comment come from?
"Mike, come on. Hurry up!" The Goth said, I didn't realise I was lagging behi...
She knew my name.
Why did that freak me out? Loads of people know my name.
The Goth pulled me into an alleyway, off the main street which she had just run down. Everything was too bright for me. At the end of the alleyway was a strange looking hut, made out of pieces of sheet metal, even they were too bright for my eyes. Her feet screeched on the ground, leaving black grip skid marks on the pink concrete. I didn't have time to stop so ended up whacking into the strange, florescent orange, hut.
"Shit. That hurts."
"Then don't do it. Pretty fucking obvious," The Goth said, hitting a piece of yellow metal. It moved to the side and some guys face replaced it.
"Yeah? Oh you got him. Great!" He disappeared and a hole opened up in the ground.
"You first," The Goth said, pushing me down the hole. It was more like a slide but with a lot more friction than normal. It killed my back and almost scraped all the skin off it.
"Son of a bitch. That thing hurts!"
"Oh, quit complaining," The Goth said.
The inside of the hut was a lot bigger than the outside. But it had hardly anything in it, just a huge computer in one corner, spitting out pages of writing that the guy who answered the door was reading. The walls were lined with maps and odd sketches that looked like they were ripped out of those old books you get in horror movies.
"Leah! Get your ass out here! You fucking owe me one! I nearly got my ass arrested!"
"Again?" A girl poked her head round the corner of the next room. She was the total opposite to the Goth, she was a punk. Spiky purple hair on one side of her head, baggy clothes covered in chains and pins.
"What? Not my fault they have my D.N.A on file, is it?"
"Yeah it is since you have been arrested like 87 times."
"That's not it. More like... 90 times." A guy commented form the floor. He had grey everything. Grey clothes, grey hair, almost grey skin.
"Piss off! It's actually 83 if you must know. Now can we please get down to business. I think I freaked him out enough already." The Goth joined the guy at the computer.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?" I shouted.
"Shut the fuck up dude. You don't want us to get found out, do you?" the grey guy said.
"At this very moment, yes. Yes I do."
"We ain't telling you anything until you calm down," Leah said, running her fingers through her hair.
"Fine, see. I'm calm."
"Then why is your hand shaking?" she asked.
"It...just...is." Nice excuse Mike.
"You may as well tell him now, then he has time to go nuts," the guy in grey said.
"Fine, what do you want to know?"
"Everything! Where I am, who you are, why is everything so fucking bright, what the fuck do you people want me for?"
"Oh the basics then. Firstly, who we are. I'm Leah, the girl in black is Mindy, the guy in grey is Zinc and the guy at the computer is Hyde. And we need you to help us out, well, save us really."
"What do you mean 'save you'?"
"You can probably tell you ain't on...your version of earth any more," Zinc said.
"There are different versions?"
"Yeah, there are thousands of them but that's not the point so don't side track me. You are on a version of earth where girls rule basically." Mindy and Leah glared at him. "Girly girls, not you guys. You're cool."
"You just scraped out of that one," Mindy growled.
"Girly girls rule?" I checked.
"Yeah, that's why everything is so bright. Nothing is a dull colour on this planet. Unfortunately. And every law applies to what girly girls want, which sucks ass if you're like us. And we need you because you are the only person who can save us. You are our...prophet, so to speak."
"Prophet? Like Jesus?"
"Jesus? Who the fuck is that?" Mindy asked.
They don't know who Jesus is. How thick. Right, how do you explain Jesus to people when thy have no clue who he is? "Well, he was King of the Jews, apparently, only if you believe it. He started a religion called Christianity."
"Oh, you mean Christi. Not Christianity. You must mean Jebus then," Leah said.
"You're not a Christi are you? I can't stand those bastards with their religious rules."
I shook my head. "I don't have a religion." Mindy breathed a sigh of relief.
"Thank Jebus," she muttered.
"So I'm a Prophet?" I asked.
"Yeah. Ours'. And as our prophet you have to help us out," Hyde said in a dull tone, still with his face in the pages.
"I don't have to it I don't want to," I said.
"No. You have to help us otherwise I won't send you home," Mindy grinned.
Goddamnit
