Like a Throbbing Toothache of the Mind., chapter 2
***Recap***
Billie - Age seventeen - Deeply depressed and feeling suicidal - No one understands, no one cares - Brad finds out he's cutting himself, Billie gets beaten up - Billie runs away - He's now on the brink off... Find out now...
***End of Recap***
Billie's P.O.V.
'I don't know what to do, why are people doing this to me? I haven't done anything wrong, have I?
I sat forward on the bench and bit my lip, staring at the lake. I know what to do; no one will be here to stop me. I hope. I stood up and walked to the lake bank, my mind racing off what to do. I'd already left Mike a letter in my bag that is, if he looked in it. Damn it, he wouldn't, would he? That would be too smart. I debated things over in my mind, growing tired of arguing with myself. Another rush of depression is all I needed, I just needed a push.
"Come on, come on," I muttered under my breath, I remembered my dad dying, and what time of the year it was. Tears spilled down my face, I didn't pause to think of anything else.
I jumped into the freezing water of the lake at 10:34:56am in the morning.
That's around the time I looked at my watch, as soon as I hit the water. I knew Mike wasn't going to save me, or maybe I was just hoping he wouldn't. I didn't bother holding my breath, what was the point; I wanted it to be quick. I think. I felt myself getting light-headed and memories flashed in my eyes. When I met Mike, the news of my dad, the funeral, the first time I self-harmed, the first time Brad hit me for self-harming, when I made a band, when we met Tre when our old drummer took off, and finally me jumping into the lake.
Mike's P.O.V.
'Where the fuck did he go?'
I searched through his bag, I don't know why, I just maybe, decided to. I found a note, it was in Billie's handwriting but I was in too much of a hurry. Before a word caught my eyes, 'Suicidal'.
"Shit."
I opened the letter and began to read it.
"Dear Mike,
I told you I couldn't go on anymore, but I don't think you believed me. Well, here goes, because you'll believe me now. I'm committing suicide, don't come after me, please don't. I don't want to live anymore, I can't think of any good reasons to stay, apart from being in the band and with you. But it's not enough anymore, while you're reading this, I'm possibly, bleeding to death, drowning myself or maybe taking an overdose of anything. Just don't come after me.
Love,
Billie Joe
P.S - Don't get upset, don't think it's your fault, it's not, it's all mine. See ya Mike. I love you."
I began to shake, tears spilling down my face. Billie... was gone? It couldn't be, I couldn't, I can't let him do this. I screwed the paper up as my hand grew into a fist. I jumped up and began to sprint after him, wherever he was. I decided to take the chance of the park, that's always where he went, I was just hoping my guess was the right one. The bench, oh shit, it's empty. I was about to turn when I saw something floating in the water.
'Oh God no, please no,' I thought and ran to the lake to see my best friend floating in the water. His skin looked pasty and there was nothing, no bubbles of breath, no shacking. Nothing. I jumped in and began to swim over to him, tears spilling down my face. I choked as I dipped under the water from my distress and finally made it to him. Grabbing hold of him I pulled his head out of the water and kept him above it as I struggled to get to the bank, I pulled him up and put my hand on his head. Cold. I put my hand above his mouth to check he was breathing. Nothing.
"Shit, come on Billie!" I screamed and started to cry uncontrollably. "Don't die!"
I leaned over him and remembered something in health class. C.P.R. Let's hope I get this right, I pinched his nose so the air didn't come out. My lips touched his cold, blue ones and I blew. Nothing. I didn't know how long he'd been in there; he might've been dead for around ten to twenty minutes. Or maybe only just dead. I didn't know the way how to push down on his chest so I just put my hands together and pushed down.
"Shit, come one Billie. Breath damn you!"
I did it again, the whole mouth-to-mouth thing. I heard him make a choked noise and he sat up, coughing and spluttering, water coming out of his mouth. My eyes widened and his complexion began to go back to normal.
I hugged him tightly; he had a hurt look and was confused, wondering what had happened. He began to cry. I pulled away from him and he looked so... distressed and pissed off.
He put his head in his hands and I only just realised he was shaking, whether it was how cold he was, or the fact he had nearly committed suicide, I didn't know.
I sat down next to him and just watched as he cried his heart out; I wasn't going to go anywhere. I remembered the letter in my hand and it was now soaking wet. Unfolding i,t the words and letters were all smudged and you couldn't see what it said. This hurt me, because it was basically the only piece of writing Billie had ever wrote to me.
Sad I know, but I wanted it, and now I couldn't have it. Billie stopped crying, but now his chest was just heaving. He looked up at me, his usual green eyes vibrant. I knew there was a question in them: 'Why did you save me? I asked you not to, but you did.'
I looked down at the ground, I don't think Billie would forgive me, but really I should be forgiving him, for jumping and trying to drown himself. I heard Billie mumble something but I didn't know what.
"Huh?"
"Why'd you save me? I wanted to die, Mike. I want to die!" he screamed in my face but I didn't flinch or punch him for shouting at me. He was depressed and had come so close to what he thought was escaping, but really he was running away from his problems.
"Billie? You're really gonna believe I would let you kill yourself?"
Billie frowned and started to cry again, he punched the ground and did so until his knuckles bled. But he continued to punch it until they were bruised, cut and there was basically no skin left. I let him do it, because he was taking the pain away.
Billie's P.O.V-
[/i]'Why did he save me? WHY, FUCKIN' GOD DAMN IT!?'[/i]
I looked at my bleeding knuckles and slumped to the ground, I felt so angry, so pissed off and upset. I was so close, so close to escaping from this pissing hell hole, and Mike had to go and save me. I don't see the point of him saving me, he wasn't going to get a big thanks. I wasn't going to be the damsel in distress.
Because, for one, I'm not a friggin' girl, for two, I didn't want to be saved. I didn't even look at Mike; instead I concentrated on my knuckles which were shaking. I felt searing pain in my hands and I tried to move my fingers but the pain was too strong so I didn't.
'Why me?'
I had this whole conversation with Mike, that there are worse of kids and adults than me, but it doesn't help. I coughed slightly and I could see Mike staring at me
.
"What?" I said coldly and Mike just shook his head and sighed.
"Billie you weren't even escaping, you were running, and people care about you. But you don't realise it! I care, Tre cares, your mum cares, but you're too wrapped up in your little ball of depression that you bring it on yourself! I'm sick and tired of having to take care of you, year after year after year-"
I listened to him and anger flared inside me, I couldn't help it. I punched him straight in the nose and found myself punching the shit out of him. Mike punched me back, hard in my jaw where Brad had with his knuckle dusters. I winced slightly but carried on hitting him, and so Mike kept on hitting me. He punched me right in my ribs, where they were bruised and sore. I cried out and felt warm tears dripping down my face.
Mike punched me in the face again and I just slumped to the ground. I could hear Mike panting and my chest heaved, I was winded badly and struggling to breath with pain. I was crying uncontrollably and not silently either, it was a whole loud, coughing, gasping cry.
"I'm sorry," I said quietly, my voice sore and it came out in a squeak, my choked up voice hurting my throat. I coughed again, blood. I continued to cough, spitting up blood. But I don't think Mike was there anymore, I didn't know.
I couldn't be bother to see what was happening, so it was like it switched it off.
Switched off the world around me, and so, it went dark.
Billie - Age seventeen - Deeply depressed and feeling suicidal - No one understands, no one cares - Brad finds out he's cutting himself, Billie gets beaten up - Billie runs away - He's now on the brink off... Find out now...
***End of Recap***
Billie's P.O.V.
'I don't know what to do, why are people doing this to me? I haven't done anything wrong, have I?
I sat forward on the bench and bit my lip, staring at the lake. I know what to do; no one will be here to stop me. I hope. I stood up and walked to the lake bank, my mind racing off what to do. I'd already left Mike a letter in my bag that is, if he looked in it. Damn it, he wouldn't, would he? That would be too smart. I debated things over in my mind, growing tired of arguing with myself. Another rush of depression is all I needed, I just needed a push.
"Come on, come on," I muttered under my breath, I remembered my dad dying, and what time of the year it was. Tears spilled down my face, I didn't pause to think of anything else.
I jumped into the freezing water of the lake at 10:34:56am in the morning.
That's around the time I looked at my watch, as soon as I hit the water. I knew Mike wasn't going to save me, or maybe I was just hoping he wouldn't. I didn't bother holding my breath, what was the point; I wanted it to be quick. I think. I felt myself getting light-headed and memories flashed in my eyes. When I met Mike, the news of my dad, the funeral, the first time I self-harmed, the first time Brad hit me for self-harming, when I made a band, when we met Tre when our old drummer took off, and finally me jumping into the lake.
Mike's P.O.V.
'Where the fuck did he go?'
I searched through his bag, I don't know why, I just maybe, decided to. I found a note, it was in Billie's handwriting but I was in too much of a hurry. Before a word caught my eyes, 'Suicidal'.
"Shit."
I opened the letter and began to read it.
"Dear Mike,
I told you I couldn't go on anymore, but I don't think you believed me. Well, here goes, because you'll believe me now. I'm committing suicide, don't come after me, please don't. I don't want to live anymore, I can't think of any good reasons to stay, apart from being in the band and with you. But it's not enough anymore, while you're reading this, I'm possibly, bleeding to death, drowning myself or maybe taking an overdose of anything. Just don't come after me.
Love,
Billie Joe
P.S - Don't get upset, don't think it's your fault, it's not, it's all mine. See ya Mike. I love you."
I began to shake, tears spilling down my face. Billie... was gone? It couldn't be, I couldn't, I can't let him do this. I screwed the paper up as my hand grew into a fist. I jumped up and began to sprint after him, wherever he was. I decided to take the chance of the park, that's always where he went, I was just hoping my guess was the right one. The bench, oh shit, it's empty. I was about to turn when I saw something floating in the water.
'Oh God no, please no,' I thought and ran to the lake to see my best friend floating in the water. His skin looked pasty and there was nothing, no bubbles of breath, no shacking. Nothing. I jumped in and began to swim over to him, tears spilling down my face. I choked as I dipped under the water from my distress and finally made it to him. Grabbing hold of him I pulled his head out of the water and kept him above it as I struggled to get to the bank, I pulled him up and put my hand on his head. Cold. I put my hand above his mouth to check he was breathing. Nothing.
"Shit, come on Billie!" I screamed and started to cry uncontrollably. "Don't die!"
I leaned over him and remembered something in health class. C.P.R. Let's hope I get this right, I pinched his nose so the air didn't come out. My lips touched his cold, blue ones and I blew. Nothing. I didn't know how long he'd been in there; he might've been dead for around ten to twenty minutes. Or maybe only just dead. I didn't know the way how to push down on his chest so I just put my hands together and pushed down.
"Shit, come one Billie. Breath damn you!"
I did it again, the whole mouth-to-mouth thing. I heard him make a choked noise and he sat up, coughing and spluttering, water coming out of his mouth. My eyes widened and his complexion began to go back to normal.
I hugged him tightly; he had a hurt look and was confused, wondering what had happened. He began to cry. I pulled away from him and he looked so... distressed and pissed off.
He put his head in his hands and I only just realised he was shaking, whether it was how cold he was, or the fact he had nearly committed suicide, I didn't know.
I sat down next to him and just watched as he cried his heart out; I wasn't going to go anywhere. I remembered the letter in my hand and it was now soaking wet. Unfolding i,t the words and letters were all smudged and you couldn't see what it said. This hurt me, because it was basically the only piece of writing Billie had ever wrote to me.
Sad I know, but I wanted it, and now I couldn't have it. Billie stopped crying, but now his chest was just heaving. He looked up at me, his usual green eyes vibrant. I knew there was a question in them: 'Why did you save me? I asked you not to, but you did.'
I looked down at the ground, I don't think Billie would forgive me, but really I should be forgiving him, for jumping and trying to drown himself. I heard Billie mumble something but I didn't know what.
"Huh?"
"Why'd you save me? I wanted to die, Mike. I want to die!" he screamed in my face but I didn't flinch or punch him for shouting at me. He was depressed and had come so close to what he thought was escaping, but really he was running away from his problems.
"Billie? You're really gonna believe I would let you kill yourself?"
Billie frowned and started to cry again, he punched the ground and did so until his knuckles bled. But he continued to punch it until they were bruised, cut and there was basically no skin left. I let him do it, because he was taking the pain away.
Billie's P.O.V-
[/i]'Why did he save me? WHY, FUCKIN' GOD DAMN IT!?'[/i]
I looked at my bleeding knuckles and slumped to the ground, I felt so angry, so pissed off and upset. I was so close, so close to escaping from this pissing hell hole, and Mike had to go and save me. I don't see the point of him saving me, he wasn't going to get a big thanks. I wasn't going to be the damsel in distress.
Because, for one, I'm not a friggin' girl, for two, I didn't want to be saved. I didn't even look at Mike; instead I concentrated on my knuckles which were shaking. I felt searing pain in my hands and I tried to move my fingers but the pain was too strong so I didn't.
'Why me?'
I had this whole conversation with Mike, that there are worse of kids and adults than me, but it doesn't help. I coughed slightly and I could see Mike staring at me
.
"What?" I said coldly and Mike just shook his head and sighed.
"Billie you weren't even escaping, you were running, and people care about you. But you don't realise it! I care, Tre cares, your mum cares, but you're too wrapped up in your little ball of depression that you bring it on yourself! I'm sick and tired of having to take care of you, year after year after year-"
I listened to him and anger flared inside me, I couldn't help it. I punched him straight in the nose and found myself punching the shit out of him. Mike punched me back, hard in my jaw where Brad had with his knuckle dusters. I winced slightly but carried on hitting him, and so Mike kept on hitting me. He punched me right in my ribs, where they were bruised and sore. I cried out and felt warm tears dripping down my face.
Mike punched me in the face again and I just slumped to the ground. I could hear Mike panting and my chest heaved, I was winded badly and struggling to breath with pain. I was crying uncontrollably and not silently either, it was a whole loud, coughing, gasping cry.
"I'm sorry," I said quietly, my voice sore and it came out in a squeak, my choked up voice hurting my throat. I coughed again, blood. I continued to cough, spitting up blood. But I don't think Mike was there anymore, I didn't know.
I couldn't be bother to see what was happening, so it was like it switched it off.
Switched off the world around me, and so, it went dark.
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