And All the Shit You Put Me Through, chapter 10
After Billie had stormed out, I'd straightaway ran to hide in the bathroom in case he decided to come back in. Half an hour had passed and as every minute went by and I was getting more and more nervous about the mood Billie would return in. In the end I couldn't stand it and had left the motel. Now 2 hours later, I had made my way back and was standing outside the window. Billie was on the phone inside. Maybe it was just my imagination, but he seemed to have tears running down his cheeks. I didn't think he would be talking to Ollie, and I desperately wanted to know who was on the other line. I spotted the light on in the reception room and quickly made my way over there. The same man who was there when we checked in was sitting behind the desk again.
"Hi." He looked up.
"Can I help you?"
"Actually, I was wondering if I could use the phone in here, see my mom is on the line in my room as is...the guy I'm with and I really need to know what they're saying, we can't actually be on the same receiver at the same time so-"
"Sure, room 23 right?"
"Yeah, thank-you." He picked up the phone from under the counter. I held the receiver to my ear as he dialed the room number.
"...About her, I mean after what just happened to you." I recognized Mike's voice
"I don't care what happened to me, it was horrible I'll admit that but it just- all I could think about was her and what she must've felt like."
"Billie, dude why do you even care you've been doing this for the last 18 fucking months or something, it's never bothered you before in fact if I remember you used to enjoy it."
"Don't say that."
"But it's true isn't it?" There was a pause from Billie.
"Mike, did you know it was wrong?" There was a sigh from Mike "Why didn't you tell me it was wrong?"
"Would you have listened?" Suddenly the receptionist sneezed, I gasped and hung up the phone, I ran out of the office and hid behind a car that was parked out the front of it. I peeked over the hood as Billie opened the motel door; he looked around for a couple of minutes before going back in. I let out a long breath and fell back against the car. I shook my head, trying to put all the thoughts going through it to make sense. It was unsuccessful. What was Billie talking about does he feel bad? What happened to him? Is he going to stop hurting me?
"Get inside." I looked up; in front of me was Billie Joe with his arms crossed. I didn't even notice him come up. His face was dead serious; I stood up, my knee cracking as I did. I tried to keep a bit of distance in front of him as I walked back to the room. Billie slammed the door as we went in. "What did you hear?" Seeing as Billie didn't have any proof that it had been me listening I decided to play dumb.
"I-what did I hear?"
"You were listening on the other line."
"Billie I don't understand-" He looked at me, before grabbing a glass and throwing it at the wall. "Billie please don't-" I had no idea what I was supposed to say. I was scared of getting cut with glass so I did the first thing that popped into my head. I kissed him. He grabbed my shoulders and pushed me away, his face wasn't mad.
"Don't do that if you don't mean it, just get in bed and fucking go to sleep."
The last 3 days were spent in silence. Billie didn't even acknowledge my presence. I'd thought about confronting him about the things he'd said the other night but figured it would only lead to trouble.
The flight home was awkward, the attendants seemed to notice the tension between us and kept asking us if we'd had a bad break up. I just nodded as to avoid any more questions. Michelle and Ollie had both made appointments and couldn't come to meet us, I was actually relieved, I was still pissed at her for keeping Dad's leaving from me plus I didn't want to make up stories about us having a fun time. As the taxi pulled up in front of our places, Billie quickly got out grabbed his bag and went into his house. I stared at his front door still surprised at his behavior. I was woken from my trance by the cab driver beeping. I handed him his money and got out of the car, I pulled my bag out of the trunk and then closed it. I made my way to the front door and grabbed the spare key hidden under the welcome. Dumping my bags as soon as I got in I ran up to my room heading straightaway for my diaries. I sat cross-legged on the bed open at a new page and pen in my left hand. I tried desperately to form sentences on the page but couldn't put my emotions into words. Frustrated, I got off the bed and stormed out of the house to clear my head.
*
I watched Lauren hurry out of her house. I threw down the magazine I'd been pretending to read and stood up. I closed the blinds on my windows and made my way out of the house and up to her front door. I tried turning the handle and was delighted to find it unlocked. I breathed a couple of deep breaths before entering her room. The items I'd been looking for were still resting on the bed where I'd seen Lauren leave them just moments before. I sat on the edge of the bed and picked up the smaller one assuming that it would have the more recent entries instead I smiled at the happy memories she'd written about from our childhood. I put it down and picked up the other one, the first sentence one the first page made tears swell in my eyes 'How could he do that?' the sentences that followed were even worse I started scanning each page faster and faster 'I hope he burns in hell', 'Why does he hurt me so?' 'I can't wait until he gets what he deserves'.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?!?" I jumped as I noticed Lauren standing in the doorway. She snatched the diary out of my hands "How dare you!"
"Look just let me explain."
"No! You can't explain that, I mean you invade my personal space! My body! And now my mind? What is your damage?!?!"
"JUST SHUT UP!!!" I screamed, which seemed to silence her, I could see the terror in her eyes. It was a look I'd seen so many times before but until now, never realized how much what I'd done had affected her. "I was just...looking for a way to apologize."
"To apologize?" She let out a small laugh "You think you can apologize for what you've done?"
"I know there's no way I can make up for what I've done to you but I just, I didn't know."
"You didn't know? The whole 'oh god please stop, don't Billie Joe why are you doing this to me' none of that clued you in?"
"Let me finish-"
"No, you've screwed around with me in more ways than one, I don't want to listen to anything you have to say. You expect me to forgive you just because you told Mike what you did was wrong?" I hated feeling guilty and she was making my guilt worse by the second and it was pissing me off.
"You listened in to that?"
"Oh like you haven't listened in to things I've said."
"Great so are you happy now? That I've finally 'got what I deserved' did that little phone call give you a happy?"
"What are you talking about?"
"The fact that some guy shoved his dick up my ass, you're trying to tell me that you didn't hear that?!?" I was screaming at her now, until I noticed her shocked expression.
"Billie..."
"You didn't know."
"I didn't know, but how can you think that I would wish that on anyone even you. Get out!"
"Fine, get out of my way." I roughly shoved her aside, I paused before leaving "You know I don't regret a thing that I did to you, you got everything you deserved."
"Hi." He looked up.
"Can I help you?"
"Actually, I was wondering if I could use the phone in here, see my mom is on the line in my room as is...the guy I'm with and I really need to know what they're saying, we can't actually be on the same receiver at the same time so-"
"Sure, room 23 right?"
"Yeah, thank-you." He picked up the phone from under the counter. I held the receiver to my ear as he dialed the room number.
"...About her, I mean after what just happened to you." I recognized Mike's voice
"I don't care what happened to me, it was horrible I'll admit that but it just- all I could think about was her and what she must've felt like."
"Billie, dude why do you even care you've been doing this for the last 18 fucking months or something, it's never bothered you before in fact if I remember you used to enjoy it."
"Don't say that."
"But it's true isn't it?" There was a pause from Billie.
"Mike, did you know it was wrong?" There was a sigh from Mike "Why didn't you tell me it was wrong?"
"Would you have listened?" Suddenly the receptionist sneezed, I gasped and hung up the phone, I ran out of the office and hid behind a car that was parked out the front of it. I peeked over the hood as Billie opened the motel door; he looked around for a couple of minutes before going back in. I let out a long breath and fell back against the car. I shook my head, trying to put all the thoughts going through it to make sense. It was unsuccessful. What was Billie talking about does he feel bad? What happened to him? Is he going to stop hurting me?
"Get inside." I looked up; in front of me was Billie Joe with his arms crossed. I didn't even notice him come up. His face was dead serious; I stood up, my knee cracking as I did. I tried to keep a bit of distance in front of him as I walked back to the room. Billie slammed the door as we went in. "What did you hear?" Seeing as Billie didn't have any proof that it had been me listening I decided to play dumb.
"I-what did I hear?"
"You were listening on the other line."
"Billie I don't understand-" He looked at me, before grabbing a glass and throwing it at the wall. "Billie please don't-" I had no idea what I was supposed to say. I was scared of getting cut with glass so I did the first thing that popped into my head. I kissed him. He grabbed my shoulders and pushed me away, his face wasn't mad.
"Don't do that if you don't mean it, just get in bed and fucking go to sleep."
The last 3 days were spent in silence. Billie didn't even acknowledge my presence. I'd thought about confronting him about the things he'd said the other night but figured it would only lead to trouble.
The flight home was awkward, the attendants seemed to notice the tension between us and kept asking us if we'd had a bad break up. I just nodded as to avoid any more questions. Michelle and Ollie had both made appointments and couldn't come to meet us, I was actually relieved, I was still pissed at her for keeping Dad's leaving from me plus I didn't want to make up stories about us having a fun time. As the taxi pulled up in front of our places, Billie quickly got out grabbed his bag and went into his house. I stared at his front door still surprised at his behavior. I was woken from my trance by the cab driver beeping. I handed him his money and got out of the car, I pulled my bag out of the trunk and then closed it. I made my way to the front door and grabbed the spare key hidden under the welcome. Dumping my bags as soon as I got in I ran up to my room heading straightaway for my diaries. I sat cross-legged on the bed open at a new page and pen in my left hand. I tried desperately to form sentences on the page but couldn't put my emotions into words. Frustrated, I got off the bed and stormed out of the house to clear my head.
*
I watched Lauren hurry out of her house. I threw down the magazine I'd been pretending to read and stood up. I closed the blinds on my windows and made my way out of the house and up to her front door. I tried turning the handle and was delighted to find it unlocked. I breathed a couple of deep breaths before entering her room. The items I'd been looking for were still resting on the bed where I'd seen Lauren leave them just moments before. I sat on the edge of the bed and picked up the smaller one assuming that it would have the more recent entries instead I smiled at the happy memories she'd written about from our childhood. I put it down and picked up the other one, the first sentence one the first page made tears swell in my eyes 'How could he do that?' the sentences that followed were even worse I started scanning each page faster and faster 'I hope he burns in hell', 'Why does he hurt me so?' 'I can't wait until he gets what he deserves'.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?!?" I jumped as I noticed Lauren standing in the doorway. She snatched the diary out of my hands "How dare you!"
"Look just let me explain."
"No! You can't explain that, I mean you invade my personal space! My body! And now my mind? What is your damage?!?!"
"JUST SHUT UP!!!" I screamed, which seemed to silence her, I could see the terror in her eyes. It was a look I'd seen so many times before but until now, never realized how much what I'd done had affected her. "I was just...looking for a way to apologize."
"To apologize?" She let out a small laugh "You think you can apologize for what you've done?"
"I know there's no way I can make up for what I've done to you but I just, I didn't know."
"You didn't know? The whole 'oh god please stop, don't Billie Joe why are you doing this to me' none of that clued you in?"
"Let me finish-"
"No, you've screwed around with me in more ways than one, I don't want to listen to anything you have to say. You expect me to forgive you just because you told Mike what you did was wrong?" I hated feeling guilty and she was making my guilt worse by the second and it was pissing me off.
"You listened in to that?"
"Oh like you haven't listened in to things I've said."
"Great so are you happy now? That I've finally 'got what I deserved' did that little phone call give you a happy?"
"What are you talking about?"
"The fact that some guy shoved his dick up my ass, you're trying to tell me that you didn't hear that?!?" I was screaming at her now, until I noticed her shocked expression.
"Billie..."
"You didn't know."
"I didn't know, but how can you think that I would wish that on anyone even you. Get out!"
"Fine, get out of my way." I roughly shoved her aside, I paused before leaving "You know I don't regret a thing that I did to you, you got everything you deserved."
