And All the Shit You Put Me Through, chapter 6
"Oh look there she is!" Shit. "Oh God Lauren I was so worried."
"Mom, don't try and hug me because I will bite you." She stops walking and looks puzzled. Ollie and Billie Joe catch up to her, Billie holding a bag. It didn't even occur to me that I was going to see them at the airport. God I'm such an idiot.
"Oh Lauren you're here! That's a relief, Billie and I were so worried when your mom said you were gone."
"Yeah, Ollie I'm totally fine. I have to go now... on the plane."
"Wait Lauren!"
"What mom?"
"Here take this." I look down at her hand where she is holding an envelope. I snatch it off her and shove it in my pocket.
"Thanks mom."
"I don't have to thank you for anything." Billie and Ollie both looked slightly confused, which I have to say is surprising. I thought Ollie would've been the first person to hear about the separation, they tell each other everything.
"C'mon Billie go check in, the plane will be boarding soon." Both Ollie and Billie walk off, leaving an awkward silence between my mom and I.
"Look Lauren, I'm sorry. I really am. I should've told you about your father. I just...I was so mad at him that I just wanted to pretend like he didn't exist anymore. But I don't want you to leave still mad at me."
"Oh that's what you want is it? What about what I want? Huh mom? Did you ever think that maybe I would want something?"
"What do you mean?" I sigh realizing that I'm taking out all my anger against Billie with my mom.
"I just, look mom I don't forgive you, I had a right to know. I'm not mad at you just disappointed." The look on my mom's face could've killed me. I guess saying that actually does hurt more than having someone angry with you. "But, I'm dealing with other things as well and please don't ask me what they are because I'm not going to tell you. I really do have to go now, they've started boarding. Thanks for the money."
Now that the airport has taken my main bag I just have my little backpack. I swing it over my shoulder and go to start walking to the gate.
"Lauren wait." I turn back around. My mom's expression looks so...I don't know if hurt is the right word, but that's all I can think of. I know what she wants, so I go over and kiss her cheek quickly before leaving her again.
"Isn't it great that our mom's were able to get us seats next to each other?" Billie says, smiling at me. I smile nervously back. I felt so confident this morning, but now that I'm with Billie it's like it's all been drained out of me and I'm shit scared.
"Take the window seat." I do as he tells me. I hate the window the seat; I've never been good with heights. I bet it's just so he can trap me, I know he won't let me past. The flight is only an hour but I know that it's going to feel like ten. As the attendants instruct us to buckle our seatbelts, I feel Billie hands around my waist as he does mine up for me. As he removes his hands, they brush against my breasts, sending a shiver down my spine. I try to keep my eyes on the attendant so I don't look at Billie Joe, who I can feel staring at m. I just know that he's got that smirk on his face, the one he gets whenever he makes someone uncomfortable. That stupid cocky grin which makes him feel manly.
"Aww don't be scared Lauren, Daddy's got you...oh wait he really doesn't anymore does he?" My expression turns to shock as I turn to face him.
"How do you-"
"Michelle had to explain your 'behavior' to my mom, she also figured it was best that I know so that I can take extra good care of you...but then again I always do." He leans in and kisses my lips, his like ice. He pulls away as we begin to take off.
"How can you bring my father into this? I mean you of all people should understand that that is something that is off limits." Billie glares at me.
"Don't you compare your loss to mine, don't you ever! Your dad isn't gone you can still see him, I won't ever be able to see mine until the day I die."
"Won't that be a joyous occasion." Suddenly Billie's hand slaps against my thigh causing me to gasp, I knew I should've bought jeans but I couldn't afford to spend that much. His nails once again digging into my skin, I clench my teeth. I bet the only reason he keeps his nails a little bit longer is just so that he can pinch me.
"Don't ever talk like that to me again. Is that understood?" I nod. "Good girl." He pulls his nails out then just rubs over where the skin is broken.
The rest of the flight is spent in silence, apart from the sound of a baby crying and the guy behind us farting from eating way too much Mexican food. Billie's hand never leaves my thigh getting us a few dirty looks from the passing airhostesses. When we finally reach the ground I feel a huge wave of relief pass over me.
"Get up!" I follow Billie's orders and stand, picking up my bag, which I'd moved to the floor between my ankles. We spend about twenty minutes waiting for our luggage to come around the conveyer belt. Once they do, we get a taxi to our hotel.
We pull up at the place we're staying at, which turns out to actually be a motel. I guess all the money was spent on the plane tickets. Billie nudges me; I pull the envelope out of my pocket and grab a couple of notes out to pay the driver. We head for reception as the cab drives off.
"Okay so you're in room 23, and it's a queen."
"Wait a queen? Isn't there one with two singles or something?" I hold my breath hoping for the best as the receptionist looks at the computer screen.
"Nope, sorry little lady."
"That's okay baby, we can share." Billie's arm finds its way around my shoulders.
"We'll take it." He takes the key off the receptionist desk, and together we walk down past all of the other rooms until we find ours. Billie unlocks the door and I follow him in. The room is pretty basic, kitchen appliances and small TV and a giant bed in the far end of the room. I stare at it, knowing that I'll be spending a lot of time in there, for sleeping of more than one kind. Billie notices my staring.
"See that's what we want." He closes the door and locks it. "Go lay down on it." My heart starts beating faster; I didn't think this would happen straight away.
"I said lay down on the fucking bed!" Billie shoves me and I stumble I fall just in front of the bed, my head just missing it, I crawl onto it and lie down. I close my eyes. I feel Billie crawl on top of me. He slips off my shoes and slides my skirt down over my hips. His hands reach under my t-shirt, and he uses them to lift it over my head before throwing it away. I hear the sound of his shirt being taken off as well and the sound that it makes as it lands on the carpet. His lips reach down in between my breasts and his hands go under me to unhook my bra.
*
I wipe my eyes as Billie gets off me and goes to the bathroom. I look at my hand and see black smudged on it. My eyes then make their way to my wrist. I'd thought about cutting before, not just cutting suicide. It's times like these that make me consider it even more. But I made a promise to myself when I was thirteen that I would never mutilate myself, because really that's all it is...mutilation. I look back at the black on my hand before resting it on my chest. I don't dare go get dressed until Billie comes back and tells me I can. It is disgusting that I need his permission just to wear clothes. All of the other things he has made me do as well, not just sex...other...things. I hear the bathroom door open and Billie comes out and comes to lie down next to me, smiling sweetly.
"See wasn't that fun?" I nod, closing my eyes again. "Open your eyes." I do. "Look into my eyes and tell me that you love me."
"What?"
"I want to hear you say it."
"I-I- I...love you."
"Good now say it again, but say my name as well, my whole name."
"I love you Billie Joe Armstrong." His hand reaches out and strokes my cheek, then his grip on my head gets tighter and he pushes my head down to beneath his stomach. I close my eyes again, but it doesn't stop the tears from falling.
"Mom, don't try and hug me because I will bite you." She stops walking and looks puzzled. Ollie and Billie Joe catch up to her, Billie holding a bag. It didn't even occur to me that I was going to see them at the airport. God I'm such an idiot.
"Oh Lauren you're here! That's a relief, Billie and I were so worried when your mom said you were gone."
"Yeah, Ollie I'm totally fine. I have to go now... on the plane."
"Wait Lauren!"
"What mom?"
"Here take this." I look down at her hand where she is holding an envelope. I snatch it off her and shove it in my pocket.
"Thanks mom."
"I don't have to thank you for anything." Billie and Ollie both looked slightly confused, which I have to say is surprising. I thought Ollie would've been the first person to hear about the separation, they tell each other everything.
"C'mon Billie go check in, the plane will be boarding soon." Both Ollie and Billie walk off, leaving an awkward silence between my mom and I.
"Look Lauren, I'm sorry. I really am. I should've told you about your father. I just...I was so mad at him that I just wanted to pretend like he didn't exist anymore. But I don't want you to leave still mad at me."
"Oh that's what you want is it? What about what I want? Huh mom? Did you ever think that maybe I would want something?"
"What do you mean?" I sigh realizing that I'm taking out all my anger against Billie with my mom.
"I just, look mom I don't forgive you, I had a right to know. I'm not mad at you just disappointed." The look on my mom's face could've killed me. I guess saying that actually does hurt more than having someone angry with you. "But, I'm dealing with other things as well and please don't ask me what they are because I'm not going to tell you. I really do have to go now, they've started boarding. Thanks for the money."
Now that the airport has taken my main bag I just have my little backpack. I swing it over my shoulder and go to start walking to the gate.
"Lauren wait." I turn back around. My mom's expression looks so...I don't know if hurt is the right word, but that's all I can think of. I know what she wants, so I go over and kiss her cheek quickly before leaving her again.
"Isn't it great that our mom's were able to get us seats next to each other?" Billie says, smiling at me. I smile nervously back. I felt so confident this morning, but now that I'm with Billie it's like it's all been drained out of me and I'm shit scared.
"Take the window seat." I do as he tells me. I hate the window the seat; I've never been good with heights. I bet it's just so he can trap me, I know he won't let me past. The flight is only an hour but I know that it's going to feel like ten. As the attendants instruct us to buckle our seatbelts, I feel Billie hands around my waist as he does mine up for me. As he removes his hands, they brush against my breasts, sending a shiver down my spine. I try to keep my eyes on the attendant so I don't look at Billie Joe, who I can feel staring at m. I just know that he's got that smirk on his face, the one he gets whenever he makes someone uncomfortable. That stupid cocky grin which makes him feel manly.
"Aww don't be scared Lauren, Daddy's got you...oh wait he really doesn't anymore does he?" My expression turns to shock as I turn to face him.
"How do you-"
"Michelle had to explain your 'behavior' to my mom, she also figured it was best that I know so that I can take extra good care of you...but then again I always do." He leans in and kisses my lips, his like ice. He pulls away as we begin to take off.
"How can you bring my father into this? I mean you of all people should understand that that is something that is off limits." Billie glares at me.
"Don't you compare your loss to mine, don't you ever! Your dad isn't gone you can still see him, I won't ever be able to see mine until the day I die."
"Won't that be a joyous occasion." Suddenly Billie's hand slaps against my thigh causing me to gasp, I knew I should've bought jeans but I couldn't afford to spend that much. His nails once again digging into my skin, I clench my teeth. I bet the only reason he keeps his nails a little bit longer is just so that he can pinch me.
"Don't ever talk like that to me again. Is that understood?" I nod. "Good girl." He pulls his nails out then just rubs over where the skin is broken.
The rest of the flight is spent in silence, apart from the sound of a baby crying and the guy behind us farting from eating way too much Mexican food. Billie's hand never leaves my thigh getting us a few dirty looks from the passing airhostesses. When we finally reach the ground I feel a huge wave of relief pass over me.
"Get up!" I follow Billie's orders and stand, picking up my bag, which I'd moved to the floor between my ankles. We spend about twenty minutes waiting for our luggage to come around the conveyer belt. Once they do, we get a taxi to our hotel.
We pull up at the place we're staying at, which turns out to actually be a motel. I guess all the money was spent on the plane tickets. Billie nudges me; I pull the envelope out of my pocket and grab a couple of notes out to pay the driver. We head for reception as the cab drives off.
"Okay so you're in room 23, and it's a queen."
"Wait a queen? Isn't there one with two singles or something?" I hold my breath hoping for the best as the receptionist looks at the computer screen.
"Nope, sorry little lady."
"That's okay baby, we can share." Billie's arm finds its way around my shoulders.
"We'll take it." He takes the key off the receptionist desk, and together we walk down past all of the other rooms until we find ours. Billie unlocks the door and I follow him in. The room is pretty basic, kitchen appliances and small TV and a giant bed in the far end of the room. I stare at it, knowing that I'll be spending a lot of time in there, for sleeping of more than one kind. Billie notices my staring.
"See that's what we want." He closes the door and locks it. "Go lay down on it." My heart starts beating faster; I didn't think this would happen straight away.
"I said lay down on the fucking bed!" Billie shoves me and I stumble I fall just in front of the bed, my head just missing it, I crawl onto it and lie down. I close my eyes. I feel Billie crawl on top of me. He slips off my shoes and slides my skirt down over my hips. His hands reach under my t-shirt, and he uses them to lift it over my head before throwing it away. I hear the sound of his shirt being taken off as well and the sound that it makes as it lands on the carpet. His lips reach down in between my breasts and his hands go under me to unhook my bra.
*
I wipe my eyes as Billie gets off me and goes to the bathroom. I look at my hand and see black smudged on it. My eyes then make their way to my wrist. I'd thought about cutting before, not just cutting suicide. It's times like these that make me consider it even more. But I made a promise to myself when I was thirteen that I would never mutilate myself, because really that's all it is...mutilation. I look back at the black on my hand before resting it on my chest. I don't dare go get dressed until Billie comes back and tells me I can. It is disgusting that I need his permission just to wear clothes. All of the other things he has made me do as well, not just sex...other...things. I hear the bathroom door open and Billie comes out and comes to lie down next to me, smiling sweetly.
"See wasn't that fun?" I nod, closing my eyes again. "Open your eyes." I do. "Look into my eyes and tell me that you love me."
"What?"
"I want to hear you say it."
"I-I- I...love you."
"Good now say it again, but say my name as well, my whole name."
"I love you Billie Joe Armstrong." His hand reaches out and strokes my cheek, then his grip on my head gets tighter and he pushes my head down to beneath his stomach. I close my eyes again, but it doesn't stop the tears from falling.
