All That I've Got, chapter 1
I still can't believe it happened. I can't believe you're not here any more; not here to hold me when I'm asleep, not here to wake me in the mornings. Why did you have to die? You didn't deserve it, I should be the one dead, not you. What did you ever do to anyone?
Once again I wake up and turn over, expecting your face smiling back at me, but no. All I get is an empty pillow that doesn't even smell like you any more. How long is this gonna go on? How long before this pain goes away, before it really sinks in? I don't think it's even real at the moment; people look at me funny when I pinch my arm till it goes red, but nothing can wake me up from this nightmare I'm living.
Remember when we met when we were 10? In the cafeteria, there were no tables left so we ended up having to share. The best thing that ever happened to me; meeting you, and at the same time the worst. If I'd never met you then I'd never have fallen in love, never have had to live this pain I feel at the moment. I'd never stare at the photos that surround me in the apartment we shared for two years. Happy faces stare back at me, every single one of them you with your arm around me, holding me close. You'll never hold me like that again.
Tre doesn't understand; he could never understand how it feels. He says he does, but he doesn't; no one does. How can they understand when the only man you have ever wanted to share everything with is suddenly gone, suddenly not there and all because of some stupid bastard who had to drink and drive. Why couldn't I have been the one hit? I should have been walking there, not you. I can't go back there, not now, not ever.
I sound so stupid; guy can't even cross a road without thinking about you, but it's true. I can still see as your body hit the floor, feel the tears fall down my face as I held you, listen as you said the last three words you'd ever say; "I love you." You always were a romantic even if you wouldn't let anyone see it weren't you Mikey? Why did you have to leave me? You promised you'd never leave me, promised we'd be together forever. Well... fat lot of good that did us; here I am stuck living in hell as you're somewhere probably surrounded by hot guys wearing nothing but feathery wing things and a harp. You always got all the luck, all the good guys.
I remember the first time you told me you were gay; my heart was beating so loudly I was surprised you couldn't hear it. You didn't seem to get the hint that when we were drunk and ended up kissing it meant more to me that you thought. You thought I was being stupid; I was drunk. It took a while for me to find the courage to tell you, but I can still remember that first kiss. We were sitting on the curb, it was a freezing night and we ended up closer together just to get warm. It was amazing, all those things they say in soppy books; the fireworks, the music, everything. Ok... so it was New Years Eve, and it was more punk than romantic violins, but that made no difference to me. It was better than anything I could have imagined.
It was the first time you told me you loved me, and I dunno; it felt right. I didn't care what people said at school all that mattered to me was what you thought. Then, I dropped out, but you stayed on. When you graduated I was so proud, I dunno if I ever told you, but I could never have done it, never have put up with school for any longer, but you were always the stronger one, the braver one.
I hate this; not being able to see you, to hold you, to feel you next to me. It's killing me inside to know I won't see you again. At least I know that wherever you are you're probably having fun, whatever you're doing. Why can't I be there with you? Together forever right? Why can't forever begin now?
I sigh as I let the photo drop from my hand and watch the glass in the frame smash on the hard floor of the kitchen. Grabbing another beer from the fridge I wander into the living room to flop down onto the sofa and spend yet another night watching some crap TV show where someone cheated on someone else and they don't know who the father is or someone doesn't like someone else and it all ends in a fight. Call me mad but I don't find that good TV; must be the only one though cos it's on often enough.
Turning on the TV I see blurry shapes, how much exactly have I had to drink? I shrug and make out the shapes on stage; see I was right, some guy throwing a chair at someone else and calling her a slag.
Remember when we had that fight? Back when we were 20; you said I was a slag and said I'd been sleeping with someone else. I couldn't understand how you could think there was someone else. You were too good for me anyway there was no way I'd ever take a chance I could lose you. Those were the worst 2 weeks of my life, but the make up sex sure was good.
Why can't we be that close ever again? Why couldn't you have been alive now? I need you, don't they understand that? I throw the empty beer bottle at the wall and watch it smash into pieces like my heart. Watch as the dregs dribble down and leave stains in their wake.
I hate this. I need it to end. Not soon; soon isn't good enough. I need it to end now. Feeling the cold metal against my temple I don't even wince, my finger ready to pull the trigger. As the final trail of beer ends so does my life. Closing my eyes I gently squeeze the trigger, until I hear a loud noise and then nothing.
We were meant to be together... with you I'm far from lonely and you're all that I've got. I'm never gonna let it go.
Once again I wake up and turn over, expecting your face smiling back at me, but no. All I get is an empty pillow that doesn't even smell like you any more. How long is this gonna go on? How long before this pain goes away, before it really sinks in? I don't think it's even real at the moment; people look at me funny when I pinch my arm till it goes red, but nothing can wake me up from this nightmare I'm living.
Remember when we met when we were 10? In the cafeteria, there were no tables left so we ended up having to share. The best thing that ever happened to me; meeting you, and at the same time the worst. If I'd never met you then I'd never have fallen in love, never have had to live this pain I feel at the moment. I'd never stare at the photos that surround me in the apartment we shared for two years. Happy faces stare back at me, every single one of them you with your arm around me, holding me close. You'll never hold me like that again.
Tre doesn't understand; he could never understand how it feels. He says he does, but he doesn't; no one does. How can they understand when the only man you have ever wanted to share everything with is suddenly gone, suddenly not there and all because of some stupid bastard who had to drink and drive. Why couldn't I have been the one hit? I should have been walking there, not you. I can't go back there, not now, not ever.
I sound so stupid; guy can't even cross a road without thinking about you, but it's true. I can still see as your body hit the floor, feel the tears fall down my face as I held you, listen as you said the last three words you'd ever say; "I love you." You always were a romantic even if you wouldn't let anyone see it weren't you Mikey? Why did you have to leave me? You promised you'd never leave me, promised we'd be together forever. Well... fat lot of good that did us; here I am stuck living in hell as you're somewhere probably surrounded by hot guys wearing nothing but feathery wing things and a harp. You always got all the luck, all the good guys.
I remember the first time you told me you were gay; my heart was beating so loudly I was surprised you couldn't hear it. You didn't seem to get the hint that when we were drunk and ended up kissing it meant more to me that you thought. You thought I was being stupid; I was drunk. It took a while for me to find the courage to tell you, but I can still remember that first kiss. We were sitting on the curb, it was a freezing night and we ended up closer together just to get warm. It was amazing, all those things they say in soppy books; the fireworks, the music, everything. Ok... so it was New Years Eve, and it was more punk than romantic violins, but that made no difference to me. It was better than anything I could have imagined.
It was the first time you told me you loved me, and I dunno; it felt right. I didn't care what people said at school all that mattered to me was what you thought. Then, I dropped out, but you stayed on. When you graduated I was so proud, I dunno if I ever told you, but I could never have done it, never have put up with school for any longer, but you were always the stronger one, the braver one.
I hate this; not being able to see you, to hold you, to feel you next to me. It's killing me inside to know I won't see you again. At least I know that wherever you are you're probably having fun, whatever you're doing. Why can't I be there with you? Together forever right? Why can't forever begin now?
I sigh as I let the photo drop from my hand and watch the glass in the frame smash on the hard floor of the kitchen. Grabbing another beer from the fridge I wander into the living room to flop down onto the sofa and spend yet another night watching some crap TV show where someone cheated on someone else and they don't know who the father is or someone doesn't like someone else and it all ends in a fight. Call me mad but I don't find that good TV; must be the only one though cos it's on often enough.
Turning on the TV I see blurry shapes, how much exactly have I had to drink? I shrug and make out the shapes on stage; see I was right, some guy throwing a chair at someone else and calling her a slag.
Remember when we had that fight? Back when we were 20; you said I was a slag and said I'd been sleeping with someone else. I couldn't understand how you could think there was someone else. You were too good for me anyway there was no way I'd ever take a chance I could lose you. Those were the worst 2 weeks of my life, but the make up sex sure was good.
Why can't we be that close ever again? Why couldn't you have been alive now? I need you, don't they understand that? I throw the empty beer bottle at the wall and watch it smash into pieces like my heart. Watch as the dregs dribble down and leave stains in their wake.
I hate this. I need it to end. Not soon; soon isn't good enough. I need it to end now. Feeling the cold metal against my temple I don't even wince, my finger ready to pull the trigger. As the final trail of beer ends so does my life. Closing my eyes I gently squeeze the trigger, until I hear a loud noise and then nothing.
We were meant to be together... with you I'm far from lonely and you're all that I've got. I'm never gonna let it go.
