Unknown, chapter 2

After all, my life feels so crappy again. A lot of things could've been much better. What happened to my fun? I still remember those rare positive moments, when I felt free - and I felt like I belonged to something, all at once. It seemed like everything had made some sense, also the bad things, like happiness was the gratification for my efforts to hold on. Anyway, nothing can always go wrong, especially when you're trying so hard to work things out - that's what I started to think. But now I fear that I was wrong and that nothing had improved. All I know is that YOU have never been a positive part of my life.

I'm sure that no one wants to hear about it. I guess I've got some real good friends, but they'd never understand. And they've got troubles on their own. How could they ever help me with this? Well, I know that sometimes you can't make it on your own. But I wish I could. And I think I should. It just seems to be the only way to make it through. And lock out is what the world can do best. Feelings seem to be only second-rate for most people. Or even less important. I wonder if you have to be damn rich or damn good-looking or damn clever to be accepted and find your place. Maybe the main thing is to be ignorant - doesn't matter at all what happens to the people on the planet or to environment in general. No one cares. Hell, just as if anyone could repair destroyed hopes by paying a fucking bunch of money!

I just don't know why it has to be that hard. And it's not just about those stupid hormones. No matter what I try, I never get what I wish for and what I need, you know what I mean? I try to remember a time when someone was there for me to make me feel at ease. It gets harder every day. You can't leave the Blvd. Of Broken Dreams when you're always alone in the dark. It's gonna end in a dead-end street. I mean, how can you give what you've never received from anyone else?

I don't want to cause any harm. Well, I know that I do sometimes, but I'm trying my best. All that I wanted was to find my place in this life. I wonder if I'll ever make this masterplan come real. Anyway, I'm not crazy or brave enough - depends on how you see it - to end what I never seemed to own, really.

Oh well. Fuck it. I think I'll just try to hold on - sort of like I always did. Though I'm so tired of fighting. And I wonder where the power will come from.